Exploring the Feminine

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #1

Alright, so I am starting to like this girl from work. Its super obvious that she flirts with me. Then again, does she actually like me or is she just using me for attention / validation / entertainment ... Thats the mind fuck... I would like to seduce her ... but how? I know from experience that women will not initiate sex... they just won't ... I have to take full responsibility for having sex with this girl... I don't want to date her... I want to fuck her.. Plain and simple.. 

Next steps...

I don't know honestly... Just keep being conscious of what you are doing... Continue to be the attractive man that you are by developing yourself, working out, hitting on attractive women, saying what you want when you want, being vulnerable, not over-investing in one girl, etc... You are the man... These women love you.. 

One thing that you can consciously practice is acting like yourself when you're around this girl. I have had this problem before, where I would be unable to act like myself around the girl that I'm crushing on. I couldn't act myself because I wanted her to like me SO SO SO SO bad. I was willing to give myself up, give up my authentic self in order to get the attention from a girl... I will never do that again...

One practical thing that I can do from now on is drink less... How on earth can I move around a venue or a party / get-together and strategize hitting on women and getting laid if I am piss drunk. You think that this is helping but it is not. Be the man and have your limits and boundaries set. Don't let the environment sway you from your path. 

I would also like to say that if you have sex with this girl and then start dating her.. then what.. you're not going to continue with your pick up journey.. Isn't that what you wanted to do? I did but I really do just want to fall in love. Thats all I want... Then again I know seducing her is going to take some time... You are engaging in pickup in your attempt to seduce her and also your cold - approaches... It is all part of the same journey.. It is all connected. 

Lets get grinding... 

Edited November 6, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #2

I want to fall in love. Thats fucking it. Allow yourself to fall in love. Thats all that you have to do. But not the needy love, true fucking love, you know it when you feel it, this is it. You're in love big guy, its very obvious. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I dont want to be in love. God damnit. Get out of my head. I need to do something else. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #3

Alright, so I just suffered a brutal rejection last night. I told a girl that I work with that I liked her, and she did not reciprocate feelings towards me. It hurt me soul.

I honestly thought that she liked me too. But I think she was just using me for attention. She had no interest in getting to know my soul or falling in love with me. She was toying with me like a cat playing with a mouse... I'm the mouse... and now I'm dead. 

I'm happy that this chapter is over. I'm happy that I was able to actually tell someone that I like them. (Although I had to get drunk drunk in order to do it - next time I'll do it sober.) 

 

I feel embarrassed because everyone at work will know that I got rejected.

I feel dejected because I feel like I'm not good enough.

I feel a little bit of hopefulness because I do feel like there is something good around the corner.

I feel proud because I actually went for it instead of hiding in the corner like a scared little kid.

I feel optimistic for my future because I'm motivated now, motivated to find my princess and to help others find theirs.

 

And I trudge on.... the heros journey has just begun. 

End Part I

Edited November 12, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #4

This girl was so emotionless when I told her that I liked her. She just shut down. There was nothing there..  Ice cold... Am I attracted to females like this?... I know that I liked a girl in college like that.... And my mom is this way as well.. Do I still have mommy issues?... I guess it doesn't matter. 

All I've got to do is continue chugging along, exploring the vast and complicated field of the feminine. 

This shit is hard though... And how does each rejection not take a toll on my confidence?

It depends how you frame it... And with each rejection... A lesson is learned... The wound is just fresh right now... Its still healing... And once I get myself stitched up... I will buy myself a Katana sword and trudge back into the forest... Open and willing to face whatever comes next.. 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #5

 

PART II

 

Entering the Forest

I wake up, grab my Kantana sword and head out into the forest.

I see a man on the side of the path, practicing his back flips. 

I say "Hey, what are you doing that for?" 

"It helps me pass the time." The man says

"Wouldn't you rather do something more meaningful with your time... Something that fulfills your soul?"

"Meaning comes from the eye of the beholder."

I stare at him curiously for a couple of seconds, then shift my gaze to the path ahead. 

"Hey, I'm trying to get to the other side of this forest, would you like to join me?"

"Why do you need me to join you?"

"Because I don't want to go on alone, and I've heard there are fairy princesses hiding out in the trees. You may find one and fall in love."

"I don't want to fall in love... Been there done that..."

"Okay... then what do you want?"

He pauses to think for a moment. 

"I don't know... I guess I've never thought about it before," the man says as he does another back flip. "I like your spunk, kid. Your eyes are filled with wonder. I used to have that same look..."

"What happened to it?"

"I don't know... I guess life beat it out of me.." The man looks up at the sky. "Its starting to get dark, you should get a move on."

"You're sure you don't want to join me?"

"I'm sure, my adventuring days are over. Good luck in your travels... and stay away from those fairy princesses," the man says with a smile. 

"Thank you sir." I bow my head out of respect and I continue walking down the path.

Edited November 13, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #6

Dear women, this is what I love about you: 

• I love how you want to surrender to the masculine presence, this is motivating me to be a better leader and deal with my issues
• I love how in tuned with the moment you are
• I love how in tune with your emotions you are
• I love how empathetic you are
• I love looking for your subtle af hints that you are attracted to me
• I love making you smile and laugh
• I love how you just want to have fun
• I love your soft lips
• I love your soft skin
• I love how much effort you put into your appearance
• I love your wide hips
• I love the way your body moves
• I love your giggle
• I love how challenging you are to figure out, like a rubiks cube
• I love how cute you are
• I love how playful you are, not taking things too seriously

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #7

Dear women, this is what I love about you:

• I love how women have this way of encouraging me to better myself, I want to be a better man for you 
• I love a woman's smell
• I love those beautiful, flowing dresses
• I love your smile
• I love when I did something to make you smile 
• I love when you're cheeks are rosy
• I love that you are so good at connecting with people 
• I love how caring you are

Edited November 16, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #8

Alright so I was flooded with insights last night as I was "helping" my buddy change the starter on his car. We were out late and got a little high and my favorite thing to do in this situation is to pace back and forth and think. I started to think about my interactions with women...

Insight #1: What I found out is that I am terrified when a woman's gaze is on me, especially a woman that I find attractive or am desperate for love from. This is a big problem, its stifling, I am unable to be myself because I am frozen by fear... fear of the woman perceiving me in a negative light and disapproving of me and my behavior. Where did this come from?... I dont know... Maybe my mom?... Maybe from high school... It doesnt matter, all that matters is what I do about it now... 100% responsibility. These truths are always so difficult to realize because I have to admit how far I am from where I want to be.. difficult but also inspiring. I want to get there, I want to reach the pearly gates.. And I'm willing to make the 500 mile walk... for you. 

Okay thats a great metaphor... very inspiring but what can I do on a practical level? I can join a toastmasters club.. where the gaze of several women will be on me... Also when I finally get a chance to teach group classes at the dance studio... women's eyes will be on me.. this is good practice as well. 

Insight #2: Also, I realized that I am unable to give genuine feedback to a woman... Not sure what to do about that, we'll come back to this later. 

Insight #3: Also, I realized that my only interaction with this woman at work about my feelings for her occurred when I was piss drunk and over text. A woman does not want to hear that a man has feelings for her in a situation where a. its not in person or b. the dudes drunk af... And this is exactly what I did. I know now that I have to address this situation with her sober.. completely sober... and in person. This is how I nip it in the butt and also act with integrity and honor... I owe her that much. To be able to look her in the eyes and say I like you for you... And I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm not actually going to say this to her.. but in the future this is what I will be able to say to a girl that I like.. with this girl, I am just going to talk about how I'm doing with all of this and that I'm sorry for the way I handled it.. And that I am really trying to get back to where we were... and that its just hard to joke around and have fun with you because when I'm around you, it just hurts. 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #9

Insight #4: I danced with this woman that I think is attractive. We were doing the foxtrot promenade. I remember that I could feel a tingling sensation in my genitals. This is pure, raw, sexual attraction.. now I would never act upon this and pursue this woman, I am a dance instructor and she is a student.. I would never cross that line. However, the lessons to this is that it is okay to feel a sexual attraction to another woman, it is normal, and you are welcome to play around with it as long as you do not cross any lines that you and the woman have set for yourselves. 

This tingling in my genitals hasn't happened to me in a couple of months.. how could I have said that I liked someone without feeling this attraction. I think that this should be a necessary component before I pursue a woman. She has to turn me on. 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #10

This raw attraction that I felt in the last post (insight #4) occurred I think because I haven't been watching porn nearly as much as I used to (I haven't for a week, and on average its been once or twice a week over the past few months, prior to this, it was 3-4 times a week.) I wonder if the girl felt the same sexual tension as I did, it was so tasty. 

I want to continue down this path. I want to feel pure, raw sexual attraction towards women. My sex dreams have also been different since stopping porn, they have been more wholesome, consensual, and loving. 

No more porn. No more porn out of respect for the feminine. I want to allow you to turn me on. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #12

Alright, what happened last night?

1. I am not very good at leading that girl from work. I came in yesterday and I wanted to talk to her about the fact that I am really going to try to make things not weird between us but I couldn't summon up the courage. I lamely said "hey do you want to talk about last weekend at some point?" With my hands in my pockets. She said "If you want to, but I mean I'm fine." But it's not fine, things are weird between us and I need to lead us out of it, I'm the man, and I put us in this mess. 
2. I danced with a couple of women during the social dancing part of our dance event. I love dancing, if I'm feeling down I just ask someone to dance with me and I feel better. I like dancing with women that are worse dancers than me because it is easier and I don't feel as bad when I fumble around. I want to work on this because Id like to dance with the really good woman dancers, this will help me progress and also it's not fair to them if I don't ask them to dance. I'm also way more nervous if the woman is attractive... I'm working on this as well. 
3. So we went to the bar after work and I completely separated myself from that girl that I like. I didn't want to be around her. I ended up having a lot of fun, I got my own drink at the bar, then went onto the dance floor and danced with this really drunk girl, she was a lot of fun but was just throwing her body around at me lol and Im not that big, at one point she tried to do a dip (unprovoked I might add) and I dropped her lmao. 
4. I was dancing for a while and I could see that this girl from work kept looking at me, I'm going to call her work girl from now on. What the fuck does this mean? Does she like me but just won't admit it? Or maybe she just wants to go back to being friends and is jealous that I'm having fun without her. We really did have a really nice and fun work relationship until my feelings got involved. I need to talk to her IN PERSON! It's time to man up.
5. I talked to this other girl at the bar, and we talked about dating and how hard it is and all of the lessons learned from it. She was very nice and I hope she finds a nice partner. I didn't feel attraction towards her. 
6. I decided to leave at midnight and head to another bar that my best friend and his friends were going to. As we were leaving, work girl seemed too drunk to drive, i got in her passenger seat and told her this, she said she was fine in slurred speech and after a few minutes she yelled at me to get out of the car. Lol God damnit! Honestly I just wanted to talk to her about our weird relationship but I once again cannot bring it up. 
7. Alright, so I get to the next bar and I just want to dance with some girls and blow off some steam. As I walked in, the guy said I owe him a 5$ entry, I said I'd be right back I've just got to hit the ATM inside, he took my license and I walked in with no intention of going to the ATM lol. I love seeing what I can get away with.. I find this fun, like what can I charm my way into or out of... This didn't work out but I'll get to that later..
8. My buddy and I go up stairs to meet our other friends. They were all dancing. I came in hot with some crazy footwork. I asked this blonde girl to dance with me and she immediately started twerking on me. It was nice I guess but I don't think I was horny enough for that, no tingling in my genitals.. is that an issue or is that normal?... Not sure.
9. After a little while, my buddy wanted to talk about something so we went downstairs so he could vent. The bouncer called me out as I was sitting on the patio talking to my buddy... He was not happy lol. I went inside and got the money for them, I came back in, gave them a 20 and said that they could keep the change as a tip because I felt bad. I wish I didn't do that... Like a dog with his tail between his legs... Fuck that. I'm mad that I put myself down like that, as if I don't deserve anything good. I am proud that I tried to get away with not paying though because it was bold and I'm trying to grow and not give a fuck what others think about me. 
10. Alright so I went back in and I asked this pretty light skin girl to dance with me, she flashed me her ringed up finger and sent me on my way. Damnit. 
11. I continue to walk around the venue, there was this large group of girls, I started walking up to them but I got too nervous to ask one of them to dance because I just got rejected.. I decided to continue to dance with my group of friends. 
12. Eventually, I build up some courage and go up to that same group of girls and ask the cutest girl that I can see with my tunnel vision to dance with me, it's like 1:30 at this point and my energy is low, not the best approach, I tap her on the shoulder and say "Hey, do you want to dance with me." she said "No." I jump up and down like a monkey as I turn away from her out of playful frustration. I remember hearing "Not yet at least." That was nice of her to say. I wish I could get more approaches in.
13. I went back to the friend group for the last 20 minutes. I ended up dancing with one of the girls in the friend group. We were dancing for a hot second but I'm starting to lose steam honestly. Then, my best friend's girlfriend comes over and literally shakes her head at the other girl as if to say "No, don't dance with this guy." What the fuck even is that?! We are friends by the way me and best friends girlfriend, why is she doing that, maybe she just felt left out .. maybe girls get jealous... I don't know.. I called it out immediately, I said something like "she doesn't want us to dance together, why do you think that is?" I don't remember what the response was. 
14. That friend group girl that I danced with really needs to let loose. She is too tight, I want to help her open up more. Every thing is very rigid. Women want to be free flowing.. why is she not this way? 
15. When we left the venue and standing outside talking, I caught friend group girl staring at me.. she was attracted to me.. I turned and faced her, made eye contact with her and smiled. She cracks a slight smile and looks away... Ahhh I love it. As we left I asked if I could give her a hug. I gave her a really good hug.. I'm getting quite good at them and I think it's because I genuinely love these women, these people. You can feel it in the way that I wrap my arms around you and squeeze your body, there's love in it. Nice job on that. 
16. Alright, this is the home stretch, as were leaving, best friend was being a jerk to his girlfriend, playfully, nothing serious. I escorted the girlfriend to the car by giving her my arm to hold onto because that's what a gentleman should do. I wasn't trying to show him up I don't think, I just want to show him how he should behave, with a little more class. And I know women appreciate this. 
17. And that's it, I hung out with my other buddy until like 3:30 am playing video games and smoking weed. Quite an eventful night.

This new life that I have constructed for myself is giving me ample opportunities to interact with women and figure them out.. I am proud of what I have constructed. I am learning from these beautiful creatures every day.. about them, about life, about myself.

I still would like to get laid.. this is the next puzzle piece for me.. I have laid the foundation of an abundance of women in my life.. now it's time to practice and get really good at leading them to the bedroom.. I have a lot of work to do when it comes to leading. 

I know that I'm destined for greatness. I am special.

... And we trudge on. 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #13

I don't know why but I love how emotional woman are, I find it so cute and endearing. This is going to sound weird, but I actually get turned on when a girl cries, especially when it's over something really silly and stupid. A girl can literally hear the words "dead dog" and start to ball her eyes. 

I love it, a man isn't capable of being this emotional over such things. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #14

Work girl rant: 

Alright I need to talk about work girl again. Here's the thing, I don't give a fuck anymore. I cannot talk to her about my feelings for her and that I'm trying to get back to normal .. because you know what? I don't want things to go back to normal! I'm still hurting, I don't want to talk to her and I don't want to see her. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that! I don't need to do something that I don't want to do, and although talking to her and being honest with her in a sober one on one situation would be a great life experience for me and help both of us grow, I am clearly not ready to have a conversation like that.

I went into the day on Friday prepared to pull her to the side and talk with her. I even practiced what I was going to say, but I couldn't do it... Because she scared me lol. Literally, she scared me... Ughhhhhh 😩 why do I have to be scared of this girl... Why does that happen? 

Fuck that dude... Fuck that! Im not going to be scared of her! I don't want to give her that power! When I went in on Friday I went in with love in my heart for her... Because I wanted to repair what we had and say sorry... But then I realized that I couldn't talk to her and I felt like such a bitch... Like an absolute bitch. The power that I felt I had throughout the week was completely gone. Because I wanted to do something and I couldn't. 

I don't want to repair anything .. I'm sorry but I'm still f'ing pissed off and hate her right now. Fuck this shit! Get her out of my head and out my life! 

You know what's really funny? Although I'm making such a big deal about this, I'm actually looking forward to going in on Tuesday and seeing her... Because it's a challenge, it's all a challenge... And honestly I don't know how I am going to act.... I have no idea... And that's whats so exciting about this work ... And that's also why you shouldn't be rehearsing conversations... No, you go into something with an intention and then you go from there... You feel it out .. and you trust your intuition and your feelings... And you do what you do. There's no need to plan.

If I continue exploring the feminine with this kind of awareness I will become all-pro in this area.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

 

I know its been so long

Since we saw each other last

Im sure well find some way

To make the time pass

 

Hey moon, its just you and me tonight

Everyone else is asleep

Hey moon, if I was to fall

I won't fall so deep

Though I doubt I'm gonna

You can wake me up if you wanna

 

And your pale, round face

Makes me feel at home in any place

I would happen to be

At a quarter past three

 

The moon chased the sun out of the sky

Goodbye sun, the night's begun

The moon chased the sun out of the sky

Goodbye sunshine. the night is mine

 

Hey moon, its just you and me tonight

Everyone else is asleep

Hey moon, if I was to fall

I won't fall so deep

Though I doubt I'm gonna

You can wake me up if you wanna

I would hate for you to hand there all alone

The whole night through

 

Hey moon, my old friend

Hey moon, the night is coming to an end

Hey moon, come back soon

Edited November 20, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #15

 

On the topic of flirting

Do girls have any idea what they are doing when they flirt with a guy? 

 Work girl apparently had no idea that she was flirting with me, and this other girl that I was texting said that she flirts with guys unintentionally when really she's just being nice. I asked her why she thinks this happens, and she said "I just doesn't know how to talk to people."

Is this how girls operate? They just flirt with guys and then take no responsibility for it? Do they always act like this? Maybe it depends on how  conscious or aware the girl is. 

Is it possible that they are just unconscious of what they are doing? I know that many people, myself included do things completely unconsciously. It's not until afterwards that you can look at the situation and realize what you did and why you did it. You bring the unconscious into the conscious light. 

Maybe from my perspective, this girl was flirting with me .. but from her perspective, she was just having fun. If this is the case, then I feel like I got played.. as if she's just using me as a toy. 

Damn... 

If this is the case then we are on two different wave lengths because I am looking to fall in love and she is looking to have fun.. maybe I should just try to have fun.. switch the mindset. 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine #16

Dear the feminine

I now realize that I am needy for your love, for your acceptance, for your approval. I understand now that I will fail again and again to attract you if I continue with this needy behavior. How will I fix this? Only time will tell, but I've got some ideas... And I have now shined a bright yellow light on the neediness inside of my body. It looks like an ugly little demon, slerching around, looking for little crevices to hide out in, whining in a high pitched growl. Take, take, take, that's all he thinks about. I want to extract him from my body. I want to let him free so that he can move onto something greater. But for now, he is stuck inside of me, waiting to be freed. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Exploring the Feminine Entry #17

 

All He Wants is to be Loved

 

This character that is me. 

All he wants is to be loved. 

That's it. But he doesn't know how to get it.

He has his methods and strategies, but they haven't worked so far.

Where does he go from here?

How will he deal with this?

That's all he wants, LOVE. 

This is the saddest truth of all time

I just want to be loved

But I don't know how to get it

I have twisted ways of going about it

They involve using people and manipulating people into loving me

 

It starts with self love

Not love from an external source

Full love and acceptance for myself

That is everything that you need

I am enough 

I am loved

I love myself

 

It is clear to me now where I must go

I have to allow the fairy princess to find me

I don't go out into the forest in search of the fairy princess, I go out into the forest in search of myself

My true self

And with each blunder, each mistake, each mishap, every struggle, every problem, every dilemma, every embarrassing moment, I fall deeper in love with myself 

That is the counter intuitive nature of all of this 

That is the goal

To love myself not less with each mistake, but more and more with each mistake

To love myself more and more with each disappointing truth that I learn about myself

 

Falling in love deeper and deeper not with the feminine but with myself.

[Spiritual Warrior]