Can I really fix this particular kind of social anxiety?

[Jayson G]

I don't know how to explain the particular kind of social anxiety I have, but I'll try to explain it. 

I'm not trying to say that Im some unique snowflake lol .. but Ill explain my thought process here. 

So I've cold approached a lot. (300 approaches over the years) And with cold approach I always usually talk to a single person. Im a guy and whenever I talk to a girl, Im usually fine. Im normal, casual, a bit flirty if I want to be. 

But when it comes to groups, things are different. Usually in the beginning of entering a group, I start to really choke up (social anxiety wise) .. and this is pretty much any kind of group. Even my 2 closest friends, I just start choking up and getting anxious. It got to the point where I have to drink alcohol any time I enter a group situation. And at 3 beers Im usually having a great time, social, etc. but only with alcohol. 

This really got amplified 2 years ago, I was hanging out with a group of friends and I really was choking up, anxious .. it happens even more when its quiet around us, like no music is playing or whatever. But then the girl from the group is like "why are you all scared" and like attacking me, and that made me shut down even more. 

And now I cant enter most group situations without alcohol. There's family Ive wanted to see for many years, but Ive been avoiding them because of this. Up until today I was like okay its fine, I'll fix it later after I fix my financial situation more, but now it's like Okay I really need to fix this, work on it 4 to 5 times per week. 

The way I would describe this social anxiety is situational: It mainly happens when its quiet around me, in groups of 2 or more, with people who I know judge me or dislike me, with my aunt and uncles (in my culture they tend to be more on the judgemental side), and other situations too like in conversation I would laugh at something but then suddenly get self-conscious about my laugh and then kind of shut down, or someone brings up something from my past that is hard for me to talk about. 

Sometimes I think though that some of these situations are different from social anxiety. Like some things could be associated with trauma and OCD which I have also. But at the same time I spend a lot of time alone, and my OCD and trauma doesnt make me anxious so I have a feeling this is all just social anxiety, and nothing really else. 

I kind of just want to know if I can really fix this. I used to be nervous with girls, one-on-one, but I've fixed a lot of that with cold-approach, getting girlfriends, dating. Now one-on-one with girls, or hanging out with a guy im usually fine for the most part. Really its just in a group of 2 or more. 

My aunt was coming over, and I just took a lot of hurt from her in the past. And the whole week before she was coming to my house I did all these things to try and get myself to be okay to talk to her, but the day she arrived, I choked up again .. but for the first 3 minutes it was very obvious and uncomfortable, but after 3 minutes I was completely fine, wanting to talk to her, talking perfectly well in a group. So often its just those 3 minutes in the beginning. 

I know cold-approach isn't enough to be honest to fix this (I think) .. because in cold-approach, Im only talking to one person at a time usually, and my social anxiety is situational with usually groups of 2 or more. But then again with cold-approach, I usually have short conversations, Im not that social to be honest, Im pretty inconsistent, rarely talk to groups, etc. So maybe that will help. 

I also wanted to add that the past month, life's been pretty good. A month ago I had this BIG emotional release, and since then Ive been very peaceful in my mind, a whole month straight. Alert, happy, peaceful, meditative, productive .. but only by myself, in my house. 

To the main point of my post: I guess really the main point of my post is this: I want to commit today onwards to really making a shift in this area of my life. It's been years of just avoiding friends and family, both out of social anxiety, but also because I am very happy alone. But I cant keep this behavior up of avoiding people. What I want to know is, is this really possible to change? I know thats a weird question to ask. I mostly know that any change can be made in life. I know that people have cured all kinds of social anxieties. But for some reason, I have this thing I tell myself that my social anxiety is situational, that mines is mixed with OCD and trauma, that I have failed to change this a lot in the past and despite my efforts it only feels like it worsens .. I just really want to know, with honesty, if this is possible to change. And then if its possible, what can I do to fix it? I plan to socialize 4 to 5 times a week. (I have only met 1 friend in the past 4 months) .. Im planning to go to the gym 3x per week, join classes where I can be more social like hip hop classes and stuff, go to the gym, if I have the courage I'll try to join toastmasters. Ive joined toastmasters before and even gave speeches. I was pretty nervous but I did it, so I think I can do it again. Im 27 right now. I was a lot more social in college. I feel like I can get back to that. What else can I do for this unique situation based on your experience. 

Any and all replies would be greatly appreciated. @Leo Gura if you have any advice, based on your past struggles please share if you'd like. 

[Miguel1]

Try basic letting go work:

Go take a comfortable seat / lay down on your bed. Now visualize the group events happening.

As you start to get more tensed up, feel into the feelings and bodily sensations more.

Dive deeper into the feelings and sensations with your deep inhales. Welcome them and accept them.

Finally, let them go with your deep exhales.

Do this for 5-10min+ and as many times a day as you feel like.

[Jacob Morres]

I hypothesize a strategy and consideration for ocd, and trauma might be useful as well because you mentioned that, (on top of cold approaching, exposures etc.) 

There's a lot of evidence based and scientifically proven methods that can help here bc the science improved a lot over the years. So I don't think it's unique or unsolvable, there's a lot of good information for such issues 

 

Edited November 4, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[petar8p]

You probably had an experience where you did done something stupid and you were mocked for it in a group, so you developed a trauma around it and you choke up every time you need to speak up. 

Only approach is shadow work on that and exposing yourself to it like you did with cold approach and girls..