I am selfish and cold. I don't care about people.

[trenton]

In this thread I would like to discuss a selfish aspect of my attitude towards relationships. I in fact care very little about emotional bonding. I see little value in loving people for who they are.

My attitude towards relationships is that relationships in general are of little value because they do not achieve a broader goal. This could be the attitude that sex and emotional bonding is irrelevant lofty ideals. I only care about what people do for me. If I don't love people for who they are then I treat relationships like a transaction. I don't see how relationships are supposed to get me closer to my goals unless I share common interests with other people.

This includes my attitude toward family. I don't feel an emotional connection to others. Whenever it seems that my family can't help me do something like become a chess grandmaster, I spend little time with them and I don't talk with them. Instead I focus on studying chess because that gets me closer to my goal. I thus care about my goals more than I care about people.

Part of the problem could be trauma which started my fear of emotional bonding. I have been working on this trauma with a therapist and it seems that my selfish tendency stays in place. emotional bonding feels hollow to me and I only care about advancing myself.

I remember a couple of times I felt an emotional bond and I used to love it. Once the fragile illusion of romance collapsed and the man I trusted most died there were no other people I trusted enough to fill the void. The void has stayed ever since. On the bright side I am starting to trust my mom more now. Maybe she can fill the void, but I care more about how she can help me achieve my goals than I care about her.

Furthermore if people die it seems like it would be inconvenient. Once again I might be an overly cold guy. Part of it could be depression.

What do you think about this selfish tendency to not care about people?

[Raze]

Try loving kindness meditation 

[Felliks]

Well, that partially makes you a psycho! Welcome to the club buddy.

How old are you? Some stuff comes with age, and I remember my years being that way. In retrospect, I should have doubled down. Isolate, build, keep my mouth shut.

There is selfishness, and there is healthy self-development.

I don't think you're selfish if you're not taking away from people. You're probably just as socially inept as am I and don't realize how easy it is to reciprocate.

Reciprocation is invisible to me, and when I discover it I'm always baffled... It's that automatic, yet easy? Unavoidable. #1 in social behavior and psychology.

Dunno, note down what you get, and give back. IT DOES IMPROVE YOU AS WELL, and your life.

The selfishness you have is inadequate. You've got to be more selfish, so much so you'll give for the promise of getting even more. Is that twisted? I don't yet know or care. Give.

Edited October 27, 2023 by Felliks

[Merkabah Star]

Sounds trauma induced. Glad you are seeing a therapist. 

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

2 hours ago, trenton said:

I thus care about my goals more than I care about people.

Well, what are your goals? And why do you have them in the first place?

Everything we do, we for for love. It's just that a lot of us are pursuing love in rather dysfunctional and ineffective ways because we deeply mistrust other people due to traumatic experiences that made us believe that the love that we get from other human beings will always be fickle, treacherous and impermanent, and so we try to get the love we seek from more "reliable" sources like money, professional success or drugs... or, in my case, from art and music. Why bother with people if you can just work on your business, play guitar or pop a pill instead, right?

The problem is that none of these evasion tactics are a true substitute for meaningful relationships, so they will always leave you feeling kind of hollow and empty inside. So the only real solution is to dig up the root cause of your mistrust in others, heal you trauma and learn to trust again... which can take up a whole lifetime, but what else is there to do?

[trenton]

@Felliks you are right about being socially inept.

I have been diagnosed with autism. I am used to being misunderstood even by my own family. for example, my sisters can't stand it when I'm blunt and to the point. They find it rude and criticize me for being too honest. It makes me not want to communicate my feelings to others.

I then feel trapped and frustrated because of other people. If other people are not reliable for emotional support then I will not be vulnerable for them. I often struggle to see what a happy relationship would look like to me. I fail to see how struggling to find someone who would love me is worth the frustration of being misunderstood. I don't want others to make me feel powerless.

[trenton]

@Bazooka Jesus I have a few possible career choices. My first choice has been to become a professional chess player. I have this goal because one, I want to do something and two I am prone to overthinking everything.

If I don't pursue becoming a professional chess player then I struggle to rebuild some other purpose from scratch. I struggled with this for years and came up with a few options in psychology, philosophy, and politics.

I don't know how to have a meaningful relationship with other people. What makes a relationship meaningful if not some higher purpose? It would be nice if I were still naive enough for the presence of a beautiful woman to be enough to fulfill me. If not that, then what? I no longer believe in romance and I don't see the point.