Big shadow coming up

[Butters]

I do volunteering work. Long story short this woman 2yrs my junior is my supervisor and she's manipulating me. Nothing too fancy, just basic stage orange manipulation I think. But the fact that I have my heart open and this bitch uses me as a tool to look better in front of others angers me. It angers me more that she could just be genuine and I'll make her look good automatically in front of others, but instead she chooses to undermine my intelligence. 

I'm honest, like totally honest in my signals, unlike most people who manipulate one way or another. 

We've had genuine moments, she's not a narcicist, but as she gains power she chooses to step on my head and bite the hand that feeds her. She has no clue how easily I could dominate her in front of others in every situation. I choose not to, at least not yet. I could literally destroy her career so easily, how could she be so stupid? I just don't get it. 

I feel like she's making assumptions about me, mistaking my kindness for weakness. It feels like an invitation to just destroy her until she either cries or gets fired. I've been pushing this side of me away but it's there. My dad's a full blown narcicist, he invented that shit. I can fall back on full blown nariccistic psychopathy at any moment, I'm just choosing not to. 

It's like a sharp sword in the attic. A tool I could always grab and use,but as an absolute last resort. 

Realistically though I'll probably just start calling her out on her bullshit as it happens. I have developed a sharp intuition for this, it'd be kinda fun to literally describe how she's trying to manipulate a situation while she's doing it. I also wonder if she's actually fooling anyone or if she's just making a fool out of herself while thinking she's smart. 

Her manipulation has always been opaque to me, I just never said anything. Now she's biting the hand that was held over her head. 

I know this isn't a good use of my time but I'm obsessed over this since last night. Like actually obsessed, I can't think about anything I should be working on right now. 

I do care about my volunteer job, I work with refugees and I have more heart in it than most of my colleagues there, sometimes too much maybe. I also feel like this volunteer job is good but I want a different function there, but not sure yet how to get it. 

Edited October 26, 2023 by Butters

[Butters]

Here's the thing though: when I'm feeling great and I'm totally on my path, none of this shit matters and I intuitively deflect all of this bullshit in the moment, it's great. 

Last time I had some worries from my personal life so maybe I wasn't as present, not as strong, and then she tries to use me. But I have to admit in this moment I don't notice anything, things just are, I'm just chilling. All these thought I've described here came last night and more today. 

Why? 

[Butters]

I fully realize how petty all this sounds. I find it a giant waste of my time as well and it's not who I usually am. 

Also going through a tough time right now and lots of stress. Opportunities as well, but major shifts bring this stress rn. Everything is shifting recently, my business feels like life or death these days. But the potential has never been so great and clear either. 

Idk.

Edited October 26, 2023 by Butters

[Butters]

And you know what the truth is? I love her. I love the refugees that I help. My heart is more open now than before and perhaps it frightens my stage orange coworkers. From that angle I can understand. From that angle perhaps she's afraid too, because I had such a protective energy when she was scared herself of a situation I was the beacon of rest, love and calm in a situation where the women were panicking. 

I was in my strength there, it felt amazing. 

From that perspective I understand she would try to not see me as human, because she's afraid of the feelings. But it backfires. She must know I see right through it all, right into her soul. When she's manipulating I can't even hold eye contact because I sense it. I sense real vs fake because I've transcended lots of things myself. 

But not fully. 

Edit: I don't think this is it though, cause she's manipulated before this. It's basically just that she shows in front of other women that she can control me, it's such a joke. She must see me as weak or dumb but I always see right through it. 

Edited October 26, 2023 by Butters

[Butters]

Or different angle: I was that beacon of strength and masculine energy last week but this week I had tiny holes in my armor so she tests to see if she can be fully safe. 

She's also incompetent in her supervisor role, but like I said I've been holding my hand over her head all this time because she has been there for me too. And I believe that she deserves a fair chance and perhaps can learn leadership overtime. She's kinda new still. 

Idk. 

I'm talking to myself here but I would appreciate it tremendously if anyone can relate or has gone through similar situations. 

Edit: I'm not discarding the option that it's entirely on me and wildly blown out of proportion. I do have a special distaste for narcicistic behavior, which isn't fair cause she's a heart centered person. I should totally be slapped for even entertaining these thoughts. I am so much further in my development, these thoughts are so unfair to them. 

Please note that I'm never bringing this kind of energy into the workplace, I'm totally chill there with no back of mind thoughts. It's just something that came up at home later and I can't let it go. As I'm entertaining these thoughts my compassion is coming back so that's a good sign I guess. Now I feel bad. 

Edited October 26, 2023 by Butters

[Butters]

I already have a solution. Next time I see her I will simply tell her that I know she's doing this, give specific examples, and ask her to stop doing it. 

[Princess Arabia]

Sounds like you're the narcissist. Phrases like:

The bitch

Angers me

I'll make her look good automatically Infront of others

Undermine my intelligence 

I'm honest, unlike most people who manipulate 

Bite the hand that feed her

Dominate her in front of others

I have been pushing this side of me away, but it's still there

I can fall back on full blown narcissistic psychopathy at any moment, I'm just choosing not to

I have to stop here as this is just the first couple paragraph. I could go on and on 

Don't know, but this sounds narcissistic to me. Maybe she's one too and both energies are just clashing and since it's a work environment you feel helpless for fear of losing the opportunity of whatever it is you're doing there.

Just an analysis, idk so just let me know if you agree or not. Not saying it's the case. 

[Princess Arabia]

9 minutes ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

It's interesting now that you bring that up. You can categorize most narcissist into two categories: Grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. Grandiose is what narcissism looks like in the masculine, vulnerable is the feminine. Grandiose narcissism is basically the cliche of the person that thinks they're better than everyone around them and wants everyone to know and acknowledge it, vulnerable narcissists are more manipulative and covert in how they get their validation. Basically the classic "nice guy" who kisses everyone ass and gets mad when he doesn't get back any validation.

Here is a good video on the latter, it might be worth-while to watch it and figure out whether it resonates with you. @Butters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNWjEwtNMrc

Not judging btw. Even if you were to find out that it does resonate with you, there is nothing wrong with it. It's just the way you were conditioned.

 

https://youtu.be/f_Kf5eJ9wXI?si=30mLgn4qemrvLyM9

This is also another video about narcissists. 

[Butters]

2 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Sounds like you're the narcissist. Phrases like:

The bitch

Angers me

I'll make her look good automatically Infront of others

Undermine my intelligence 

I'm honest, unlike most people who manipulate 

Bite the hand that feed her

Dominate her in front of others

I have been pushing this side of me away, but it's still there

I can fall back on full blown narcissistic psychopathy at any moment, I'm just choosing not to

I have to stop here as this is just the first couple paragraph. I could go on and on 

Don't know, but this sounds narcissistic to me. Maybe she's one too and both energies are just clashing and since it's a work environment you feel helpless for fear of losing the opportunity of whatever it is you're doing there.

Just an analysis, idk so just let me know if you agree or not. Not saying it's the case. 

Yeah that's why I named the thread like that. But my psychologist said I don't have to worry about possibly being a narcicist because I think about this so much and always consider what is the right thing. 

It's no longer in my mind as much now since I posted here. It's just interesting to notice my mind going to these places while I should be focusing on my future. I'm going through some transition I feel. 

Edited October 26, 2023 by Butters

[Princess Arabia]

14 minutes ago, Butters said:

Yeah that's why I named the thread like that. But my psychologist said I don't have to worry about possibly being a narcicist because I think about this so much and always consider what is the right thing. 

It's no longer in my mind as much now since I posted here. It's just interesting to notice my mind going to these places while I should be focusing on my future. I'm going through some transition I feel. 

Much love. Everything will be fine. My suggestion is to not take things so personally and just treat every situation for what it is without trying to interpret it and to not compare yourself to others and that people are just trying to survive the best they know how, including yourself while still maintaining your boundaries and not taking people's shit while recognizing your own shit and trying to transcend them.

[Butters]

18 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Much love. Everything will be fine. My suggestion is to not take things so personally and just treat every situation for what it is without trying to interpret it and to not compare yourself to others and that people are just trying to survive the best they know how, including yourself while still maintaining your boundaries and not taking people's shit while recognizing your own shit and trying to transcend them.

❤️ Wise words 

Thankfully I don't harbor these kinds of feelings much, just the trauma can come up sometimes. I'm already over this situation now after some yoga and talking to some girls at class. 

About narcicism: anyone interested can look up Dr Ramani on YouTube, her content has helped me a lot. But after reflecting and grief I found it useful to try and let it go. I haven't fully let it go yet so sometimes I slap the label narcicist on people which is a habit I'm hoping to minimize overtime. 

[Butters]

13 minutes ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

Everybody has the capacity for some level of narcissism (talking about it more in terms of a personalty trait here rather than a personality disorder, the people with a narcissism disorder simply have a much more dysfunctional level of narcissism). When you catch yourself slapping the lable of narcissist onto others, chances are that you are projecting that aspect of your own personality on them. I can relate to that, I do that sometimes. It doesn't mean that you've got a disorder, but it's probably worth to inspect this facet of your personality closer for answers on why others act in such ways. This will give you some peace of mind regarding other people's narcissistic tendencies, because you can relate to it on a human level, not a conceptual level of "narcissism = bad". 

Thank you. I try to do this but sometimes I go to extremes where I start to think I'm the worst person in the world, or I'm some angel and everyone else sucks. For me the trick is to find balance, it's probably a little bit of both.  

At this point I've contemplated and thought about things like this too much and it's time for me to be outward more.

[Jacob Morres]

8 hours ago, Butters said:

Here's the thing though: when I'm feeling great and I'm totally on my path, none of this shit matters and I intuitively deflect all of this bullshit in the moment, it's great. 

Last time I had some worries from my personal life so maybe I wasn't as present, not as strong, and then she tries to use me. But I have to admit in this moment I don't notice anything, things just are, I'm just chilling. All these thought I've described here came last night and more today. 

Why? 

i hypothesize implementing some coping mechanisms might help on these days

mindfulness, body awareness, breathing exercises , journaling, exercising, pursuing your values.  etc.

i can relate, on days where i'm not doing so well, things get very magnified for me. there are times where it is completely insignificant and then times where it's the worst thing in the world lol

Edited October 26, 2023 by Jacob Morres