Being On Truck !

[Dear me]

Hey there ! 

I’m a college student with mental illeness , self-actualing drive . I suffer from mood disorder and it’s a life-long disease but I reached a level of accepting it and even developing myself with it . 

My highest , ultimate goal is reaching the highest levels of actualization and develop self-control . My main motivation is not having a single regret about the things I’ve not done when I’m on my deathbed . 

I’m still at college and so actualizing, studying and coping up with my disease is a challenge but I’m a polar warrior !!! 

I’m trying to find what works best for in person cause not everything is worth spending too much time and energy on . My goal for this journal is to be on truck with my actualizing journey and keep an eye on my weekly , monthly and yearly development . 

I hope you’ll enjoy reading the book of my stunning life 🙏🏻😍

 

[Dear me]

The quote of the day : The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence “ 

The habits I’m working on building : 

1. Mindfulness meditation 
2. Concentration practice 
3. Workingout 3-4 times a week 
4. Eating healthy and cutting off sugar 
5. Studying 
6. Reading 
7. Being present and mindful 
8. Relaxing the body with awareness 
9. Learning French 
10. Watching self-help videos 
11. Observation of myself to know myself better 

The habits I’m trying to break : 

1. People pleasing 
2. Overthinking 
3. Caring about people’s opinions and thoughts of me 
4. Overworrying 
5. Judgement and gossip 

[Dear me]

I found a very helpful video about techniques for racing thoughts : https://youtu.be/BXsfMst4Y0k?si=pCDQy2FTBPHuS10w

The techniques I’ll try are :

1. Progressive muscle relaxation 
2. Slow Mo thinking 
3. Cognitive distancing 
4. Scheduling worry time 

Yesterday I watched this video about people pleasing https://youtu.be/JZqEMok_NXw?si=Uuw1UeZiqKGSRc-T

It actually opened my mind to the idea that I should reconnect with myself more . 

I should study now ! I’ll try to share all the juice of my life on this journal cause I need to keep it motivational as it’d be needed in the dark times ❤️

[Dear me]

These days went on with randomness... I smoked a lot and I ate unhealthy food . Even my studying is not going well .. I feel that after I got all the amazing motivation of the beginning, it all kinda faded away . But that’s alright as long as my intentions to change and develop are embedded in the subconscious ; I’m unshakable! 

Today I opened up to my bf about my disorder and I told him that I’m accepting it , coping up with it and even developing myself a lot with it . He was open and even encourging . I realized that once we accept our flaws and imperfections, everyone else around us accepts it and even supports us more ! 

I feel that I’m so much capable! And this disease makes me wanting to fight the battles of life with greater spirit and determination!! 

Acceptance is actually the first successful baby step towards actualizing on higher levels . I’m in love with the process 🙏🏻❤️

[Sincerity]

What a great energy You have. 

Keep it up and appreciate your enthusiasm, because it's easy to lose it along the way and not even notice it. Seriously, appreciate it! It's precious and difficult to get it back when You lose it. Then You might really miss it. (kind of speaking from experience lol)

Stay awesome. 

[Dear me]

@Sincerity Thx for ur kind words I appreciate it 🙏🏻

[Dear me]

Sometimes you get shocked by the surprises life has for you . You can’t predict the opportunities and hidden surprises life can put in your way no matter how spiritual you are and how much you are connected to your intuition . 

I was discussing with my roommate about the fact that I’m not being able to be my authentic self and I only pretend what I’m showing people due to a fear of judgment. I’m completely different from people I’m living around and my motivations and values are different. The only way I can let go of this fear is by accepting my difference and uniqueness and understanding on a subconscious level that people will judge me anyways !  So it’s totally normal not to live by the values of the herd but by my own terms and values . 

We should never forget that WE ONLY LIVE ONCE ! so let’s let this once be sth great ! 

Edited October 31, 2023 by Dear me

[Dear me]

My body is in pain due to the side effects of medication. I feel like I have a horrible energy that’s located in my legs and I need to squeeze my muscles and then relax them to let it go . I’m also having insomnia and it’s irritating me cause like I’m super tired but I can’t sleep . Those things are affecting my day-to-day life and activities. But I guess it’s gonna be temporary cause I’ll find some way to deal with it , cope up with it and do what should be done with it. 

Before I used to resist such states and hate them and force myself to live with them from a state of sadness and hopelessness. Now as I’m accepting myself and loving everything about my life,  I’m trying to cope up with the negative part of myself so that I can be productive and work on my goals . I’m here not to resist but to accept and see wht can I do about it that’s gonna make it feel less painful and more relaxing . 

And I also keep in my mind that every state I go through there are lessons that need to be learned no matter how negative and painful the state is . When we take the approach of learning from what’s happening with us in an observing matter , we reach a higher level of growth and development. 

I’m unique as you are in nature and we should enhance and love this uniqueness cause it’s a God creative energy that’s been made in such manner to result in you . Love it and live with it ! 

[Dear me]

October was a month of taking in and absorbing info and mindsets needed for changing the approach I take towards life . It was all about trying to accept who I am and where I belong and not pretend for the approval of people . I lost a lot of weight during this month and I worked out a bit . I’m now 56 Kg probably and so it’s time to build some muscle. I ate healthy generally . I made peace with everyone around me and made a lot of deep connections with people I didn’t think that I can learn sth from . I didn’t study well . I didn’t finish reading even a book . I learned about fear , self-esteem , bipolar disorder episodes and how to deal with it and cope up with it , awareness , mindfulness , acceptance and body relaxation . I was more mindful to relax my body throughout the day more . I listened to music so much . My sleep pattern wasn’t well and I reached a level of taking meds to sleep . I started the habits of meditation and concentration practice . I didn’t do self-care routine much . I got into a healthy relationship . I learned some French during this month . 

OVERALL it was a good month 😊❤️

My goals for November: 

1. Building the habits of meditation and concentration practice and increase the time I take to practice them 
2. Studying smart and hard 
3. Reading 3 books including the book of body language 
4. Workingout 4 times a week 
5. Eating healthy 
6. Doing very well in the quizes 
7. Continuing learning French 
8. Sleeping well 
9. Watching the series Dr. House 
10. Being in balance and more mindful 
11. Watching the series of spiral dynamics and digging deeper into them 
12. Watching the series of self-deception by Leo 
13. Watching the series of survival mechanisms by Leo 
14. Contemplating more using a journal 
15. Being more confident 

My intention towards starting this month is really positive and I started it with a walk in the park . I connected to nature and to autumn in deep manner that opened my heart to love , acceptance and peace . 

The quote of this month : “ Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance , you must keep moving “  ~ Albert Einstein 

Have a great November everyone 🙏🏻❤️

[Dear me]

Her aura is peaceful, calm and grounded . Her whole existence is a beautiful moment. It’s me , I’m her ! 

I started running this day with this intention and despite the pain in the body due to the side effects of meds I did my best and I’m really satisfied.The goals of the day were : 

1. Attending lectures at college ✅
2. Working out and bath ✅
3. Studying with my friend ✅
4. Practicing French ✅
5. Reading in the novel ✅
6. Mindfulness meditation for 15 min✅
7. Concentration Practice for 15 min ✅
8. Watching some part of Dr. House series ✅

I’m grateful for having such a great , productive day with so much done in it . I’ll try my best to keep it up and study more . 

My goal for the next few days is to finish the novel and dig deeper into the series of suvival and self-deception by Leo Gura . 

 

 

Edited November 4, 2023 by Dear me

[Dear me]

A healthy relationship involves the two individuals working on themselves for each other and they’re not wasting their time for the neediness they have like love , security and a lot of attention . It involves high-conscious individuals who work on themselves for themselves and for their partner . Real , high-conscious love means growth for oneself and for the partner . When you love someone , you need to see them grow and reach their highest potential and also grow for them . The co-dependent relationships are overrated and very common because very few are willing to grow and evolve . But I’m not into them anymore !!! 

Grateful for being in such high-conscious , healthy relationship cause it’s pushing me to be the best version of myself 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I need to study harder and smarter and work extra hard on my knowledge cause heyyyy we’re in the 21st century!! 

 

[Dear me]

The past few days I felt that I was manic ; I have a lot of energy that made me do a lot of activities but then sleep less of couse with the help of diazepam. It made me reach a level of  feeling that my body is in pain because of how much I’m working on things and how much effort I’m putting in  vs the rest I’m getting in return . I noticed that during this period I walked a lot , cleaned a lot and was hypersexual . This period doesn’t make me focus on the priorities like studying cause I get distracted easily which is why I was productive in physical activities more than mental ones . 

During such period meditation and concentration practice helped me a lot to calm down and slow down . 
I’m having fun with my friends and my communication skills are getting better as I’m becoming more extroverted in such period . As a person I look really attractive and full of vitality and positive energy but when it comes to the body deep down it’s struggling to stay calm and relaxed . 

I can’t imagine how such chemical changes in the brain have such a tremendous effect on the body . 

I’ll try to slow things down despite this vital energy I’m having for conquering the world and start studying more seriously cause I have few quizes here and there . 

Just a quick reminder : It’s okay not to be okay just find the balance in life ❤️

I found this video helpful and motivating to keep going as a polar warrior: 

 

[Dear me]

I remembered the old days when I faced death face to face many times and I could flashback the strip of my life to remember what I did that was worth remembering and repeating and I found out that I had many experiences that were pretty good . Like my life wasn't as bad as I feel it when I'm feeling down . And honestly despite all the difficulties I faced and I still face I just feel that I don't wanna live anyone else's life . It's like a state of deep acceptance to myself and my imperfections to a level I'm starting attracting similar people to my life . The close people to me are just so authentic and are in alignment with their life in the weirdest , rarest and most amazing way possible . 

It just felt really good when I try to share my deep insights and thoughts with such people and they like it to a level that they start showing me their true , authentic colors . I would like to share some of my old insights on this journal :

• Missing is a humble welcome to the memories rather than the people in our past . It is the appreciation to the glory of the memories' thoughts . It's where the heart works with the subconscious mind to produce such feeling as it indicates to the emptiness of the soul .
• People come and go in your life to fulfill a lesson that life brings them for . Every person or every experience is a reason for the psychological growth of yours . The more experienced you are , the better it's for dealing with very changing environment and living to your full potential in a world full of hardships and misery . As long as you're strong from the inside nothing can scare you or affect you from the outside . Raise above your limitations to be the mirror of your authentic version and to walk on the path of the highest conscious expression . Be yourself in a unique manner and never compare yourself to others ; walk your own journey and enjoy every single part of it . 
• You may seem a bit strange to others if you are on the road of actualization and they sense that there's something wrong with you , but that's okay as long as you're being authentic and being someone they wish they can be but can't because of their limitations and social/cultural perspectives they have in their egos . Walking this road means listening to the voice of the soul through the intuition and following it . If they want to call you strange ,full of complexities , weird or crazy , let them do that because you know you are not going with the herd but following the highest conscious path. It's not easy to accept such words but if you're too busy walking your journey then such thoughts or comments become like insects around you and you become so focused on the goal that you only allow them to fly ; you know what you're doing and you have the vision so let it kindle the darkness and guide you through all the difficulties to find your way towards becoming (the actualized version ) . Never let the darkness take out the lights f your soul !

 I love such thoughts cause they empower and motivate me to go on and keep up !! 

 

Edited November 14, 2023 by Dear me

[Dear me]

The quote of the day : “keep your mind fixed on what you want in life : not on what you don’t want “

Today I should study hard and I gotta prepare myself mentally to set for like 9 hours of studying . 

I felt that I needed to listen to this song so badly cause it comforted me 

 

[Dear me]

The quote of the day : “ Pursue what catches your heart , not what catches your eyes “ 

Yesterday wasn’t productive and I didn’t study much . I kept overthinking and that’s a problem because that means I’m being very distracted from doing what should be done in every hour of the day . I need to develop self-control so that I can do what should be done during the specific period I’m giving myself to complete a task and start using the letting go technique more often during the day . 

During my meditation session I realized a solution that can solve the problem of having a lot of tasks and not being able to complete all of them , not because I don’t have time but because I’m having a horrible time management. The solution is to divide the day into 30-minute blocked durations which are about 36 and during every blocked duration I should do a task . Some tasks may take couple blocked durations or more but what’s important is that I should have the self-control to complete the task during that duration . I need to prioritize my tasks and see when the most difficult tasks should be completed ( when is my energy and concentration levels are high ; usually in the morning ) . And I downloaded many videos of music for studying and concentration so that I keep the 30-minute blocked duration interesting and more concentrated . 

I’ll try this method from today and see if it can help me solve the problem of overthinking, self-control and time mangement (3 in 1 ; my favorite drink 😉) 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Dear me

[Dear me]

God today was the day to reconnect with very close people in a way I felt home again . I reconnected with my best friends who were not very involved in my life and with my BF in much deeper ways . I’m grateful for having such incredible people in my life with whom I can be truly open and authentic and lmao. The time spent with them is priceless and the more I’m being emotional and authentic , the more comfortable they are being cause they love me for who I am not only for how I look or what I possess . I love them from the depth of my heart and I’m ready to show my love; It’s because I love myself so much to a level that I’m seeing myself in them and I’m seeing how deep our connection can be . God I’m just thankful and grateful for my life and my people ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

This song melted in my heart in a way I just feel that I found my home in the everlasting nothing 

 

 

[Dear me]

Sometimes you have to pause for a moment and just see everything from the observing lense and see if your goodness is going to the right or wrong people and whether it’s appreciated or not. I need to rethink about my best friendships and rethink about my best friends cause I gotta keep in mind that not every close friend can be considered as a best friend in that easy manner!! Well let’s be honest I have 3 best friends  and they’re all loving and supportive. I love them for who they are and so they are. I’m being completely authentic in front of them and I lmao with them. They are the reason why I’m here and without them I couldn’t have been here trust me 🙏🏻🙏🏻 I’m grateful for their presence in my life and I’ll always be there for them cause we got each other’s backs ❤️❤️❤️

Note: I’ll send them this 

Other than that I feel home as I’m in my family’s city.I couldn’t sleep in such a way for like a month and I’m grateful for having them in my life.I like to be independent but I need the presence of my people in my life cause they show me that life is still magical despite the fact that it’s difficult!! Great connections are necessary for our mental and psychological health.

I didn’t enter the mode of studying yet and my quizes are after 5 days and they’re a bit difficult. Today I’ll try my best to enter such mental state and study hard. I know everything is gonna pay off one day and I’m gonna give it my whole 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Edited November 21, 2023 by Dear me

[Dear me]

November was such an incredible month. I went through healing and it purified my inside. Everything is becoming clearer and I’m connected to my intuition like never before. I know what I’m doing and I know my life purpose and the reason why I’m created. There’s a power higher than myself that’s driving me towards my vision in life and I’m deeply motivated to keep on going. November made me accept myself and be as authentic as possible in the most attractive way and I’m noticing that people are becoming more attracted to me and more accepting and loving. It’s as if I’m shining through love and it’s coming back to me. I don’t need to change anything in myself except letting go of the ego and becoming more authentic. I’m in love with this avatar and I’m in love with my life. 

I feel that my soul is so old and doesn’t belong in here. Despite the fact that my body’age is 22 but the wisdom I’m getting from the intuition goes back to a 200-year-old grandma. I’m sensing everything and understanding everything on a divine level. I feel fearless and I just feel that God is giving me power to be courageous and decisive. 

I’m falling in love with the path of heroes and actualizers and I’m going to do everything it takes and pay what it costs even if it costs this avatar’s life just to make this vision become a reality. 

I have 3 more quizes and then I’ll go back to the state of acing life cause I got to achieve many goals before the end of 2023. I know deep down that one day all this hard work will pay off and I’ll leave a mark in humanity!! 

I hope that people will get to know their authentic selves and know their life purpose before it’s too late. And it’s never too late before a human being decides to read their inner book!! 

Life is hard but magical and it’s our purpose to find out its magic and live in it !! 

[Dear me]

Carelessness mode is on. I just feel that I don’t care about anyone and anything. Many people are attracted to me and want to spend time with me but I’m just not in the mood of meeting anyone.I’m just feeling like being in solitude and minding my own business. Yesterday I slept for 12 hours and it felt like heaven😅. Today I got to do so many things and meet many people despite the fact that I don’t want to but sometimes we gotta force ourselves to do things we don’t enjoy and in this forcing we learn so much about ourselves. 

I didn’t do my best in the quizes and I don’t care but I got this urge that I must study harder for the final exam. I got an urge to accomplish so many goals before the end of 2023 cause I feel that this year is great despite the fact that it included so many horrible , unbearable events. 

Hhhh my statement these days is “ Omg so many people are wanting me and are attracted to me but I don’t want any of them ; let them fuck off I wanna sleep”. Yeah it’s like being authentic and loving is really attractive and draws people’s attention but it comes a time where you’re just not in the mood for all that shit and that’s okay. Just live your life according to what fits you and feels good for expressing who you genuinely are🙂

Have a great day everyone✌🏻