How do you motivate yourself when you’re alone at a club?

[PurpleTree]

16 minutes ago, nhoktinvt said:

if you are having negative unwanted interaction (even though you haven't do anything wrong) that is because of your environment is really polarized and unharmonized this might be caused by you gaining reputation the solution is to go home or chilling and take a time off then continue to approach when the time is right (context and social calibration 101)

I have no problem talking to a woman if there’s a reason. Like being in the same hostel room etc. but the possibility of rejection is a pure blockage 

[PurpleTree]

Well at least I’m going home now instead of drinking more and going to other parties in hope i’ll get over it

[PurpleTree]

Generally i think I’ve never had more suicidal thoughts than after coming home from clubs. Which is wild. Also wild because I didn’t get rejected very often actually. Just the thought of it is paralizing

Edited October 22, 2023 by PurpleTree

[SeaMonster]

15 hours ago, PurpleTree said:

Generally i think I’ve never had more suicidal thoughts than after coming home from clubs. Which is wild. Also wild because I didn’t get rejected very often actually. Just the thought of it is paralizing

Because you're being unrealistically negative.  You're discounting all the things that go well, focusing on the few that don't, and blowing it all of out proportion.

That's a problem ripe for CBT or some kind of therapy.

Edited October 22, 2023 by SeaMonster

[PurpleTree]

1 hour ago, SeaMonster said:

Because you're being unrealistically negative.  You're discounting all the things that go well, focusing on the few that don't, and blowing it all of out proportion.

That's a problem ripe for CBT or some kind of therapy.

Yup it’s true. 

[something_else]

This might be long but I’ll share my experience with clubbing.

The two things that significantly improved my experience in clubs were:

• finding people to go with most weekends
• focusing on having fun instead of just talking to girls

This is because a sociable state is key to having a good time in a club, and having a good time in a club is key to meeting girls there. The key to this puzzle is getting into that sociable flow state.

The best way I’ve found to get into that state is to chat to guys first. Make friends. This is good because you’re no longer “alone” in the club, and it also significantly improves your state of mind. 

For example, here in the UK most clubs have a smoking area that’s crammed with people. When I used to go solo I headed straight for the smoking area, chatted to a bunch of people and made some temporary friends for the night. Just from this, my emotional state was 10x better and then I’d also have people to go and dance with or chat to.

I now have more permanent friends that I met from doing this who I still go clubbing with occasionally, which makes things way easier.

Once you can reliably chat to guys and make friends for the night, then you force yourself to more directly confront the fear of approaching girls. It will be much easier now, but likely still scary. Set yourself a goal of just talking to (or dancing) with 5 girls in one night and then scale it up over time.

Once you have done the 5 approaches you have achieved your goal, you are free, you can relax, you can do whatever you want for the rest of the night in the club, you can feel proud of yourself. Then scale that number up each time.

I noticed something very powerful happened when I had done the N approaches. Because I told myself that I had done what I came to do and now I was free to relax and chill out for the rest of the night, much of the anxiety and pressure vanishes almost instantly.

I hope this helps you, sorry again that it’s so long  

 

[PurpleTree]

49 minutes ago, something_else said:

 

• focusing on having fun instead of just talking to girls

Yea i often don’t really enjoy it that much without drugs and or lots of alcohol. It’s loud, pressure, hectic, scary, in my head, other people are often drunk and annoying. I mean sometimes i can enjoy it but a “good” party mood has to coincide with a saturday. Often on a saturday i’m tired, but then i’m like i should go out and meet some women, and when I’m there I’m like ugh this suuucks

 

thx for the posta though

[something_else]

1 hour ago, PurpleTree said:

Yea i often don’t really enjoy it that much without drugs and or lots of alcohol. It’s loud, pressure, hectic, scary, in my head, other people are often drunk and annoying. I mean sometimes i can enjoy it but a “good” party mood has to coincide with a saturday. Often on a saturday i’m tired, but then i’m like i should go out and meet some women, and when I’m there I’m like ugh this suuucks

 

thx for the posta though

You have more control than you realise over your mood when you go out.

Just chat to everyone you can in the most sociable parts of the club where talking is possible and I promise your nights out will get 10x better

[Leo Gura]

The best motivation is: "If I don't start approaching right now, I'm gonna have a miserable night."

[itsadistraction]

Awesome advice from everyone, 

@PurpleTreeif you don't like clubs there's other places to meet and bang women...I've met girls at the opera in the audience, got numbers, and hooked up later. Turns out they were out of town and were happy to have someone show them around. Another good place to hook up is conferences/training events at work, because everyone is out of town, looking to have fun after a boring conference, and aren't too worried about seeing you again after hooking up. 

Flight attendants are easy too cause they want to have fun while they are in a new city and usually fly out the next day. 

As others have mentioned,  make friends so you have people to go to these events with. 

 

Edited October 23, 2023 by itsadistraction

[ZenSwift]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

The best motivation is: "If I don't start approaching right now, I'm gonna have a miserable night."

For me it was miserable either way. 

One night in particular, 40 sets of 0-2 minute rejections, and get a few that sting so hard that it lives rent free in my mind for the following week. 

[Miguel1]

What Leo said and also,

How can I improve if I don't approach? How can I build a thick skin if I don't get rejected?

How can I get over the fear of approaching (which causes you to get rejected), if I don't build a thick skin?

I've been rejected thousands of times, that at this point I don't even realize that it is a rejection.

In my head, it is just a bunch of noise, funny noise to be exact. I get into social mood when I get rejected. The harsher the rejection, the faster I will get into the mood and flow.

[Emotionalmosquito]

On 10/23/2023 at 11:17 AM, ZenSwift said:

One night in particular, 40 sets of 0-2 minute rejections, and get a few that sting so hard that it lives rent free in my mind for the following week. 

Omfg this is way too real! God help us 😭

On 10/30/2023 at 7:54 AM, Migue Lonas said:

I've been rejected thousands of times, that at this point I don't even realize that it is a rejection.

In my head, it is just a bunch of noise, funny noise to be exact. I get into social mood when I get rejected. The harsher the rejection, the faster I will get into the mood and flow.

What about when a few of them complain to the bouncers/staff about that weird guy trying to hit on all the girls then suddenly you’re banned and your bridge is burned? Or is that just a me problem? Idk why but my very existence alone seems to put people, especially girls on high alert 

[Miguel1]

On 01/11/2023 at 4:58 AM, Emotionalmosquito said:

What about when a few of them complain to the bouncers/staff about that weird guy trying to hit on all the girls then suddenly you’re banned and your bridge is burned? Or is that just a me problem? Idk why but my very existence alone seems to put people, especially girls on high alert 

I haven’t been kicked out of a club for years. In the beginning, ten years ago, when I was uncalibrated and not smooth, I did get kicked out and maybe even banned from a club or two.

First of all, nowadays I’m friends with almost all the bouncers and staff (staying in one city so it is easier), but then, 

Since when talking to girls is prohibited? Especially in a socially lubricated place like a club?

Your fear of coming across a creep is what makes you come across like a creep.

Never forget this: everyone is allowed to start a conversation, everyone is also allowed to reject the conversation. These two points has to be respected.

Or am I missing something? Are you talking about something completely else that doesn’t even cross my mind?

Like harassing or breaking the rules / laws? Obviously don’t do any of these.

If you clearly get a harsh no / a strong no, then back off and move on. Wish them a good rest of the night and go talk to someone else.

What am I missing? It’s not rocket science. When it comes to socializing, taking action is worth much more than theorizing in your head.

[petar8p]

Girls asses motivate me haha

[SeaMonster]

I think it's fundamentally a trick question.  You shouldn't be having any thoughts.

You should be centered with your attention/senses outward so you can read the body language of the women in the club.

If any women are giving you any "interested" nonverbal signals, immediately go up and say "hi."  You can improvise from there based on what she gives you.

Even if you're not physically attracted to her, you can at least "warm up" by chatting with here (and maybe she has a friend you are attracted to.)

Blind Cold Approach is relatively low-percentage game.  You have to have some kind of mastery of women's interest signals to bat higher.

Edited November 3, 2023 by SeaMonster

[Emotionalmosquito]

On 11/2/2023 at 11:28 AM, Migue Lonas said:

I haven’t been kicked out of a club for years. In the beginning, ten years ago, when I was uncalibrated and not smooth, I did get kicked out and maybe even banned from a club or two.

While it sucks tremendously that this is something we have to go through, I’m glad to hear you say that because it validates my own struggle. Even on this forum I’ve been told that I must be doing something terribly wrong to get kicked out of night life places because no one else is. Knowing how women and prick bouncers/bartenders are, I know it’s happening to a lot more of us than people realize. Think about how unjust that is: we aren’t making threats, we aren’t being violent, we aren’t touching without permission (at least I’m not) literally our only crime is making people uneasy just by not knowing how to act like a carbon copy of everyone else. Somehow that’s a bannable offense. Has anyone ever heard of a woman getting kicked out of a club for being insufficiently socially calibrated? Of course not! Nothing is ever a woman’s fault. In fact if a woman is acting a little weird in her interactions, first thing the staff is gonna do is start searching for which man’s fault it is that she’s acting differently than what’s expected.  

On 11/2/2023 at 11:28 AM, Migue Lonas said:

Since when talking to girls is prohibited? Especially in a socially lubricated place like a club?

If you don’t know EXACTLY how to do it, what to say, when to say, how to say, then it is very much prohibited. Men are afforded very very little room for error when flirting with the ladies before being ruthlessly hit with asinine and  disproportionate consequences. Indeed you would think a club is a very well lubricated place, somewhere you can feel free to let loose and start expressing yourself in a free and open manner. But the reality is far more depressing than that usually.

On 11/2/2023 at 11:28 AM, Migue Lonas said:

Or am I missing something? Are you talking about something completely else that doesn’t even cross my mind?

Like harassing or breaking the rules / laws? Obviously don’t do any of these.

The only rule or law I violate is an unspoken one of being completely authentic instead of characteristically castrating myself to behave exactly like everyone else. In my experience girls are deeply disturbed of giving a genuinely unique guy a chance because they’re terrified of being judged by their friends and they’re taught to think men who act even a little different from what’s arbitrarily deemed socially acceptable are psychotic mad men who’re going to rape and kill them. As far as “harassment”, that word has all but lost its original meaning. It’s become a type of “burn the witch” term that girls use against guys who they find ugly or otherwise irksome in whatever way. When a woman tells people you’re “harassing” her, doesn’t matter what you were actually doing, it will shut off people’s logical mind and automatically pit them against you. Sometimes they might be reasonable to give you a chance to explain your side, but you will still be heavily suspected of wrongdoing.

On 11/2/2023 at 11:28 AM, Migue Lonas said:

If you clearly get a harsh no / a strong no, then back off and move on. Wish them a good rest of the night and go talk to someone else.

That’s the thing. There is nothing clear about it. Half the time they don’t even tell you you’re bothering them, they just look at you with a blank stare. What’s even more bewildering is they’ll often pretend to be interested in what you’re saying and be very active in the interaction when under the surface they’re wishing you’d get the hell away. Only to later talk behind your back and get the staff or security up your ass.

On 11/2/2023 at 11:28 AM, Migue Lonas said:

What am I missing? It’s not rocket science. When it comes to socializing, taking action is worth much more than theorizing in your head.

Hopefully I explained some of it. I’m just above and beyond completely sick to fucking death of all of it. The women, the white knights, the bouncers, the bars, the unreasonable and small minded attitudes, the alcohol, the gaslighting, the double standards. I’m so infuriated and disgusted by this game it makes me want punch holes in the wall and rip my fucking skin off. Why even put up with a system packed full of people who’re this shitty and inconsiderate to guys who just want to get better at pulling girls?

 

 

[something_else]

58 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

While it sucks tremendously that this is something we have to go through, I’m glad to hear you say that because it validates my own struggle. Even on this forum I’ve been told that I must be doing something terribly wrong to get kicked out of night life places because no one else is. Knowing how women and prick bouncers/bartenders are, I know it’s happening to a lot more of us than people realize. Think about how unjust that is: we aren’t making threats, we aren’t being violent, we aren’t touching without permission (at least I’m not) literally our only crime is making people uneasy just by not knowing how to act like a carbon copy of everyone else. Somehow that’s a bannable offense. Has anyone ever heard of a woman getting kicked out of a club for being insufficiently socially calibrated? Of course not! Nothing is ever a woman’s fault. In fact if a woman is acting a little weird in her interactions, first thing the staff is gonna do is start searching for which man’s fault it is that she’s acting differently than what’s expected

You'll notice he said that it happened a few times at the start when he was less calibrated but it stopped happening. I was the same, I got kicked out of the first club I ever went to solo for creeping some girls out, I even posted about it. This was the last time it ever happened except when my friend got caught sniffing ket in the bathroom lol. I'm actually glad I got this negative feedback in hindsight because it helped me calibrate myself to the envrionment much quicker.

1 hour ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

The only rule or law I violate is an unspoken one of being completely authentic instead of characteristically castrating myself to behave exactly like everyone else.

You don't need to characteristically castrate yourself to not creep people out. You just need to be somewhat socially aware of other people's thoughts and feelings. Nightclubs are filled to the brim with weird ass people, that's part of the reason I love them so much. You just have to work out how to channel that weirdness in a fun way instead of a creepy way.

 

[Yimpa]

On 10/21/2023 at 8:28 PM, PurpleTree said:

But approaching is hell. I think it’s trauma 

It could be. But even if you have trauma, you can connect with those who have trauma and raise your vibration together. Not to make the trauma stronger, but to see it from a higher perspective.

But you won’t know until you approach them. Don’t go looking for trauma, though.

[Emotionalmosquito]

@something_else Jesus Fucking Christ man how about a trigger warning before making me read a post like that, I almost smashed my phone on the ground. They kicked you out because you whispered something in a girl’s ear. If a guy complained to a bouncer about a girl doing that (or really anything for that matter) he’d laugh in their face and say get lost. Women bothering men is treated like a joke not just in clubs but just about everywhere else in life as well. But the gynocentrism is better exemplified in night clubs than pretty much anywhere else. Check out this segment from an article I read and tell me if u think it’s real. Knowing how our egregiously sexist society is I’d say it’s one hundred percent true. 

“Literally the last time I went to a club I saw a normal, perfectly reasonable looking average guy, get bumped from behind at the bar and he 100% accidentally spilled some of his beer on a young lady’s suede high heeled shoes. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes were suddenly furious with rage. He was mid sentence, I couldn’t hear what he said, but I am guessing it was something like, “I’m so sorry let me buy you a-“

But he couldn’t finish his sentence as her bony knee shot like lightning straight up into his nuts. As her other high heel acted as the fulcrum for her weight and she leaned back a bit and her arms went flailing out to keep her balance. She got some really great momentum into the move, all of her violent force going bye-bye straight into his drink-spilling crotch. I’ve seen some knees, and this was top-notch. He fell instantly to the ground and, ironically, dropped the entire rest of his pint all over her other shoe. In my opinion, serves her right. It was an accident! She stormed off in a huff and complained to the staff as he laid there dry heaving, probably wondering what his new life of ball-lessness was going to be like. The bouncer showed up and Mr. Average was removed from the club while everyone stared and laughed, it was pretty hilarious.”

Anyhow, Leo was your first replier to that thread and he said even he’s been kicked out of clubs, this was surprising to me because when I posted complaining about my experience he said something along the lines of “you have to act like the biggest jackass in the world to get kicked out of a bar.” I know it’s not a club but the social dynamics are still quite similar. So was he acting like a massive jackass to get told to leave? In my experience that’s not true at all. And reading your thread confirms it. The next reply is a girl (Preety) chiming in to let us know she finds it “hot” that he’s been given the boot a time or two. So you get kicked out for an incomprehensibly retarded reason despite people saying you have to act like a total lunatic for that to happen, Leo tells you to toughen up about it and that it’s even happened to him before, then a girl comes along to tell us she finds it hot when you would think girls should find it a turnoff considering girls getting the ick is the entire problem here. This world is literally not fucking real. 

On 11/7/2023 at 4:13 AM, something_else said:

I'm actually glad I got this negative feedback in hindsight because it helped me calibrate myself to the envrionment much quicker.

Yes, calibrate as in you better walk on eggshells around the all mighty woman because you’re constantly on very thin ice and one small slip up away from being figuratively burned at the stake. Awesome to know. That makes me feel just terrific about my possibility of ever getting better at attracting these humanoid alien creatures. Seriously, if an alien came to earth to study our current human mating rituals when they saw the vast amounts of bullshit the males have to go through just to get a chance at achieving one of the most basic functions of life they’d be absolutely dumbfounded like “by golly, it’s actually like you’re trying to learn how to slay a dragon” LOL

On 11/7/2023 at 4:13 AM, something_else said:

You don't need to characteristically castrate yourself to not creep people out.

I mean if there’s an unspoken list containing the most basic and harmless little things that somehow give girls the ick of which you can’t possibly know all of them until it’s too late, how are you supposed to not just play it safe and constantly be on guard lest you burn your bridges before you even have any idea wtf you did wrong?

On 11/7/2023 at 4:13 AM, something_else said:

You just have to work out how to channel that weirdness in a fun way instead of a creepy way.

I’m sure there is some way to do that but goddamn bro, things sure don’t look good