It's all my fault

[Buck Edwards]

I don't even know where to begin. Is it all my fault? 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm trying to deal with the trauma, drama and karma of my ex in whatever ways I can. 

I don't want to blame you. It's all my fault. 

I caused you personal stress. The one lesson I learned is to never go into a relationship not fully knowing if I really want it or not. If I'm unsure of commitment, just don't do it. 

I am finally being able to close this chapter of my life for good. 

 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I think I fell in love with someone who was extremely serious and antithetical to the idea of openness. It's you you you and only you. You that I need to focus on. Because that's where I would need final closure. Letting people be in it is a source of unnecessary misery. That's why from the get go I requested we talk to each other, a request you denied me repeatedly. 

But anyway. I have to hold my calm.. Right now I'm thinking about you. I scammed you. I mistreated you. I duped you. And I hold myself completely responsible for it. At the same time my feelings were and are true and you should know. 

After I fell in love with you, I never thought of anyone else. I know you absolutely fking hate me to the core. And why not. I did you nasty. You realized it. You felt unsafe. You felt bad. Hurt. Wounded. Angry. 

I'm in a much better mental state now than before. No brain fog. I realize now what I done. I hurt you badly. 

The realization has hit me after a very long time. 

I wish we communicated a lot more. You were far too secretive for me to have any idea of how you felt. Or what were your exact thoughts. How could I have known? You placed way too many expectations on me. 

You have some life experience in that department. So you know more. Don't dismiss and judge me so casually. I know you are pissed off at my audacity. 

You must be thinking - how dare I? 

I deserve every form of bashing and hatred from you for what I did. I'm not sure if I can forgive myself either. 

In hindsight, I learned a fuck ton of lessons. I learned the meaning of love. I learned my own delusional expectations in relationships. I learned my flaws. I learned not to judge. 

Today your thoughts are on my mind. It's a heavy feeling. Something I can't get rid of. It's like you all over again. I'm in a much better place though. I'm able to process my emotions much better than before. 

My brain isn't cloudy. My brain isn't foggy. I can think straight something I couldn't do months ago. I was being pressured too much. I had way too much shit to deal with emotionally speaking. 

I exhibited self deception and a tremendous lack of self awareness. And not just that. I exhibited too much immaturity. Probably my autism? I don't know. 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Ironically you taught me to be stronger. 

It's ok. I suffered some eternal torment with you. Yet I learned a fuck ton in the relationship. 

 

You wanted me to give up an entire community for you yet you couldn't give up a few friends for me. In your mind you calculated too much stuff 

Another lesson to learn is to know that if something appears too confusing, it's just better to drop it altogether. When will I learn my fucking lesson? 

If someone is being too secretive, why even bother. Good hearted people are open, not secretive. They don't hide how they feel. 

You have lots of ways to blame me. Have you ever looked in the mirror? Maybe it wasn't all my fault. Or maybe it was..

Read reality carefully. Another fking lesson. 

It's morning and I just wanna fall asleep 

 

The opposite sex creates a lot of trouble, doesn't it? I guess that's why people turn gay. Haha. 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Sometimes I feel good about having duped you. 

It's like revenge. But Leo says revenge comes from a place of low integrity. 

And you still wanted me? You must have received enough f approval then!! Bored? I saw you interested in me. Or at least trying to make it appear that way. More games?

Never be around someone who seeks excessive approval of the opposite sex. Another lesson. 

 

Yea I'm badly hurt. Why should I hide? 

 

The audacity to call me a vulture. When you were the one all along. How much of a hypocrite can someone be? How do you sleep at night? Oh well, you don't. You simply can't. How many people have you heart with your games? 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

Sometimes I forget that you were schizophrenic. You were excessively paranoid about me and you only thought bad about me. Why? Tell me why. You did everything in your power to destroy me. Why? 

 

It can't be possible that you aren't schizophrenic. You are paranoid as fuck. You have lazy eyes. You would go crazy over every little thing. You thought I was doing things to you when I wasn't. You played victim. You invented things to accuse me of. You thought I was gonna kill you which wasn't true. Not one bit. You even wanted to try meds to see the difference between before and after meds because you knew that you suffer severe paranoia and it makes you believe irrelevant shit and make up beliefs and scenarios that aren't completely true. Isn't this all true? You're nuts. 

 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Do you realize how much harm you have caused me? 

I was about to suffer a heart attack during our relationship. I'm sensitive. My only closure right now is that you're schizophrenic. I feel like we met in a mental asylum. It's a shit show. Yes, I have empathy for someone who is deeply mentally ill, but your suffering is not my lot. It shouldn't be. I am not your tampon. Long ago you talked about vampires. You're a vampire yourself. Look at you. Look at what you did. You used to preach  me on love and peace. Yet you were the one who dumped me and walked away. Look at who sucked the life out of me. Isn't this what vampires do? 

What have you achieved out of this? My destruction? Are you happy now? 

I tried so hard to convince you that I'm safe. And right here right now, this is my struggle. This is called the real struggle. The struggle of being in a relationship with a mentally ill person. You simply left without explanation or closure. Leaving me in a ditch to deal with the aftermath. Not a care in the world how I would cope with it. What did you think? 

You'll never take accountability for your part in all of this, putting all the blame squarely on me. And this is the ultimate peak of the struggle. Come out of a relationship feeling guilted and blamed, although it's no fault of mine. I am at fault for certain things I agree, but it's not entirely my own fault. No. It's not. You did things that I have to cope with now. Things that are extremely painful and hurtful to deal with. 

[Buck Edwards]

You'll not even ever listen to me. Because it bruises your ego. You'll simply flip through my pain. It's not important to you. I meant nothing? 

I really loved you. But you could care less. 

 

You could care less about my feelings. You wanted to protect yourself from getting hurt. So. It was a zero sum game. Either you were gonna be hurt or me. And you chose me instead. To protect yourself? 

Does this look fair and justified to you? 

You hurt me. It's plain and simple. 

Your mental illness hurt me. It wasn't my obligation to serve you. You vampired on me for your emotional needs and left so much harm and damage in the wake? 

I suffered weeks and months of mental trauma, strife and frustration. 

Do you care to listen? 

 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Shower me with all the pleasantness and then leave me in the ditch. 

[Buck Edwards]

Be on the lookout. On one hand you could be dealing with someone who is overtly hurtful. On the other, you could have someone who doesn't appear overtly disrespectful, yet you can see signs either of desperation or loneliness or negativity. Broken people. It's nice to help someone once in a while. But sometimes that neediness can turn into vampiring. Someone being excessively clingy. Developing intimacy too quickly. I forgot to talk about fake intimacy. I forgot to talk about cold shoulder treatment and the harm it causes. 

 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

I need a partner who is emotionally strong. Not someone who casually dumps me on the go. 

For me a relationship can only work if there's massive levels of trust and security and implicit trust and intimacy. Someone who has known me for a long time and is not afraid to be vulnerable with me, in turn making me feel better being vulnerable with them too. 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

And this is the Most valuable insight on my past - 

If you want something truly valuable, you have to get down to the dirty, you have to do the dirty work. You can't expect a truly rewarding experience without getting your hands dirty. 

And that's why you never get it. Because you just don't wanna go through shit. Guess what, shit is real like Leo says. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Remember that even what you did was for your own needs. Not for my needs. 

 

 

Pleasure leads to pain. To me they both are same. 

One important piece of information is the word conflict. 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Now I'm on hot pursuit. I'm on the trail. (not the Appalachian one).. 

I'm now realizing that the rabbit hole goes much deeper. 

This was way deeper than I thought. I realize how deeply and badly hurt I am. 

 

As I go deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole all I see are chains and chains and chains and chains. Chains linking all the pieces of the puzzle. 

 

 

One popular definition of gaslighting is - everything is your fault. 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

You can have your party lol, I'm out. 

I'm not going to support bullies and cowards and therein lies my integrity. And my bravery lies in my integrity and decency. I'm never going to stoop low and support people who intimidate others. 

Have fun. 

In vulnerability also lies courage. 

 

Edited October 18, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Forum crashed lol. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I still try to study evil as much as possible and I can say that I'm not very successful with it. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I guess when I'll see true love, I'll meet the maker. 

[Buck Edwards]

I think my only intention was for you to know my feelings. 

[Buck Edwards]

This is all a lie. Everything is a lie. Everything is a lie.