Letting God Work Itself Through Me

[Gabriel Antonio]

Yesterday was one of the best days of the year so far. Everything went smoothly. I was able to keep up with the flow of the day, without much effort.

Other thoughts: 

On Cringing About Myself

Many times when I think about my past, I go, “Holy shit, why did I do that?” In a blog post, Leo said that this is actually a sign that you are growing, but it’s kinda uncomfortable to realize that this will happen more…

For example, two years ago, I was under such neurotic patterns that even though I didn’t have to do shit, I was stressing myself out so that I could cover up my feeling of guilt for not being a “productive” member of society. Whenever I was relaxing (like watching TV), I’d beat myself up internally and not let myself go… Not only was I engaging in one unhealthy behavior, but two. The second one being the part that I autoflagelate.

I particularly dislike the first pages of this journal... there are degrees of cringiness... in this case, it's probably a 6 out 10. 
 

Just Do Your Thing... 

I was thinking about Neil Degrasse Tyson today. He is very influential and everything, speaks very well… In a way, he has been training for the show Cosmos for his entire life. The show itself is the result of all that he has lived.

Similarly, I have this intuition that I will do something big down the line. Something related to self-acceptance, and inspiring that feeling to others. And now it is the time for me to take care of myself completely to the point of getting so accustomed to loving, myself regardless of what I do or don’t do, that I naturally will inspire that in others and can do a lot of awesome projects, which require that I self-accept.

 

Self-acceptance More Powerful Than Will 

Instead of trying to lose weight, why not first work on accepting the one who causes you to overeat? Instead of trying to quit an addiction brute forcing it, why not talk to the one who causes you to be addicted?=

Those are just some examples. Yes, sometimes all we need is a little push; but I feel like the deepest growth comes from simply loving whatever is entering your field. Nothing has to be changed. In fact, any attempt from your part to put your finger in the experience itself will only mess things up. You will cut the process. And, in a way, cutting the process can be part of the process. The little technique I like this use is:

“Can I let go of that desire easily?

If yes, drop it.

If no, let it be.”

 

Work

Today I went back to being insecure about how I am teaching. I feel like I am not organized enough, even though the best classes are the one that I completely let go and just talk to the person authentically. All of my previous attempts to plan the classes have failed. Maybe it is because I don’t check with the other party. I always want to decide by myself, so I fail at cocreating.

But, again, I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself. Things are falling into place. Sometimes I still don’t like to give the classes, but at the same time they give me a lot of energy when I do them. I always figure out something. My style is more intuitive. I can ask for my subconscious mind to guide me and making clear what the person needs from me.

One thing that has becoming more and more clear is that social interactions do not have to make much logical sense. The most important thing is the energy behind the words. Yet, I have also been practicing checking if the person really understood me. Clear communication is a skill I want to develop this year, and giving language classes help me a lot with that.

 

Theater

I don’t think I will do plays in the foreseeable future. The characters I played are still developing in me, but I know how powerful it would be if I actually had a presentation. That would really solidify the knowledge.

Just Another Data-Point

I have been working on putting things into perspective as well. Each experience is just another experience. Each person is just another person. Each opinion is just a figment of someone else's imagination... All of that is nothing but data-points. My lower chakras are opening up, so I am connecting more to my roots (which is my intention for the year). When I am down there (below my navel), I can feel how greater I am than my current experience. Seriously, I have gone through so much shit and managed to turn out pretty decently. 

So whenever I am feeling insecure, I repeat to myself: "That's just a data-point." 

Even the planet we're on is a data point. How crazy is that...

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Maybe it is all a fucking repetition… Back to feeling SHITTY! [4:02 PM]

 

Quote

 

“What have we found? Same old fears…” Pink Floyd

 

 

I had a pretty cool synchronicity experience yesterday. I wrote on a napkin: Turn sadness into… Art. Cause I am in this phase of trying to channel my emotions into something greater, instead of trying to get rid of them.

And then, I watched an episode of “Love” (Netflix series), and Gus said EXACTLY that to Arya. I was like, “WTF, Universe? Are you kidding with me?” Sure, the brain loves to pick-and-choose, but this was kinda cool. This episode is probably the third of the third season. The title is, as I recall, Arya and Gus. I think this show is a must-watch for people-pleasers and how you actually DO NOT need to change yourself one iota.

Most of the time I am feeling very directionless. I keep thinking, “I need to find a strategy…” But on the other hand, I have tried so goddamn much that I feel like this moment of my life is to relax the fuck down.

But stupid thought patterns keep emerging. Self-destructive ones. Things that are NOT going to help me. So I go on to this spiral of negativity… My subconscious mind does the favor of bringing up the most cringy experiences I have gone through… All that shit of my past, which everybody has, comes stronger in my most vulnerable moments…

And another thing I have been getting is the fear of missing out on life. In a way, I feel like I stopped “living” at 11. After that, I feel like fear took control of my life. This makes me feel so stuck in my head that I end up not doing anything proactive to change my situation… (even if it is something small, just to build momentum…)

Cause you know what? Had I not acted last year (even if it was neurotically-driven), I wouldn’t have left my house and met so many amazing people.

 

Random thoughts 

It scares me how poor of a concentration I have. I was thinking of taking drum classes to improve that. A fun way to stay concentrated is through rhythm…

I feel like I am too ungrateful for life, and that I will only start appreciating it when I am old.

Well, this is definitely a very pessimistic entry. Yea, a lot of shit is happening. But there are also some pretty cool things. I am definitely not being patient with myself. I keep wanting big changes to occur on a click.

 

4 hours later… [8:12 PM] 
 

It is really crazy how fast we can alternate from being to hell to heaven (and vice-versa). Right now, I feel REALLY good and filled with new ideas of what I can do to really improve my life. The pieces are fitting together very nicely! I am very grateful for being on the self-actualization path! (@Leo Gura , you rock man! Everyone who is reading this is already in the journey also.  A very low-consciousness person would not take the time to read this...) 

So, even though there is a lot of inner-turmoil, I am finally getting some goddamn stability!

I also owe big-time to ayahuasca. I drank about 70 ml yesterday, and even though I didn’t trip balls, some brilliant insights came to me. I also remembered many insights I have had in the past.

It came to me a very radical affirmation:

 

Quote

“Just getting through the day is enough.”

(Meaning, I literally do not have to do anything in particular. Nothing at all. Mooji style :P)

 

The thing is, I am a self-help junkie. That is, I am like a neurotic micromanaging boss to myself. Not only does this demands a lot of my energy; it is also counterproductive. So, my mantra for the week is:

 

Quote

“I commit to gradual self-improvement.”

- Actualized.org episode on neuroticism

 

I have no interest in peak experiences. Yea, they’re cool and everything, but I want to go beyond that. Transcend my likes and dislikes. So… I want to just keep fucking doing what I am already naturally inclined to do--especially self-help-wise--and BOOM results will come whether I want them or not. It is going to fucking overflow hahaha...

 

I am already too much time on this path to become a complete slacker, even if I try hahaha. Homeostasis keeps bringing me back to high consciousness, as strange as this may seem. 

There is this force that always pushes me back, when I am way too deep in shadow-land. So I don’t really need to police myself. I already have an extremely high self-discernment that DOES NOT allow me to fall on my ass too much. I don’t know, maybe it is my guardian angel. [I choose to believe in that.]

I am understanding more and more why Leo criticizes science so much. When it comes to personal growth, you gotta have direct experience. Who cares about proving shit? When you are feeling amazing in your body, you are the proof! I mean, the scientific method is awesome; but what I am really interested in is seeing results first-hand. Will I come across BS along my way? Sure, but I know it will self-filter with enough time.

And, to me, what produces the greatest results is small homeopathic dosage every day. You will figure things out. Like watering the plant. You just gotta do it once or twice a day, everyday. (Depends on the plant/flower, actually).

 

New 21-day Challenge

I just created my newest challenge: watering a little flower that I have for 21 days. I might screw around with how much water it needs, so if the flower dies before that time, I will get another one.

Besides that, I have deliberately set the intention of radical acceptance: whatever, let me repeat, WHATEVER happens is okay. Radical acceptance, remember? Yea, some people can use that teaching as an excuse to not take action, but it works great with my personality type, which tends to be neurotically-driven.

By accepting the present moment as it is (bodily sensations, feelings, thoughts etc) --instead of trying to correct them--things start changing right before my eyes.

So it is a counterintuitive approach: by accepting, I create change. Paradoxical, isn’t it?

 

My Vision For This Journal 

Anyway… everything is fitting together! Yay!! I seriously hope I can write in here for at least 5 years to track my progress. Gotta find the perfect balance between oversharing vs self-censoring.

On the one hand, I can easily start purging all my dirty little secrets in here. I can do that sometimes but I have already failed in my last journal for putting too much information.

On the other hand, I can self-censor way too much to a point where I am too much mechanical. I want none of these.

Instead, my idea for this journal is to share my journey as transparently as I can, while still protecting my basic privacy. 

I really hate my first entrys, and I wish there was an option for people to see my earlier posts, instead of the old ones. ( @Nahm, @cetus56, or any moderator, is this possible?) 

Thank you all! 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Examples of Full-Circle

 

Trying to get eliminate all your addictions is itself an addiction. 

Trying to be good at something makes you bad at it 

Trying to be confident makes you not confident

Fully accepting your insecurity makes you self-confident

[Gabriel Antonio]

My Week After The Ayahuasca

I feel very great this week. My trip last weekend was head-on! It was actually good to take a break from psychedelics for a few months because now I can see how powerful they are. I have a so-called LSD, but I don't know if it's authentic... so I might as well stick with ayahuasca. 

My work was quite good. I self-doubted a bit, but overall I did well. I am with 6-year-old twins to teach English, so it's exciting to take on this challenge... quite outside of my comfort zone. 

I feel like abundance is overflowing in my life. 

The flower that I have been watering (as my 21-day challenge) is actually dying So I think I will get a new one to try again... 

I feel like I am singing much better. I am teaching better. I am socializing better. Everything is falling into place. Sure, ups and downs are to be expected, but I sure enjoy being high in lifeXD 

I have also been getting tons of energy, because I feel I am more and more aligned with my life purpose and also a lot of inner-seeds I have been watering for quite a long time (some examples, once again, are writing, music, communication); they are making my life very rich because I am not putting all my money into just one thing alone, but a huge variety. And I have been doing this for a while now... 

Well, that's it, I guess... It's 1:56 AM, so I should proabbly hit the bed

[Gabriel Antonio]

Huge Growth

I experienced today a very powerful breakthrough in many different aspects of my life. I am beginning to drop some old beliefs and paradigms, and mainly letting go of rationality and embracing feelings. 

Feelings/emotions come first; then, rationality comes second. It's almost magical how when you are truly absorbed into what you are doing, reason stops being important. Instead, it simply happens by itself. 

Another thing: No amount of reading will substitute first-hand experiences. As Leo's always pointing out, the map is not the territory. It can help you, but don't confuse it with the actual thing. In other words, life can actually be very messy and chaotic; and that's okay.  

 

Changing my Relationship With Fear 

I had this on a psychedelic trip. A huge spider appeared in my mind. At first I didn't want to look and I was scared as fuck, but then I realized, first-hand, how fear comes from ignorance. When I simply observed the thing as it is, without judging it; I saw that it was neutral. It was just a living being trying to survive. Yea, it may have a different shape that I am used to, but nevertheless it is just as it is... 

 

The Laundry... 

Again, after all big growth, comes the laundry. I was in ecstasy today (not the drug, but the feeling). And I know it doesn't last also... but to me it became clear that I want to get more experience with theater. I feel it is so important to learn how to be listened... and there are a lot of nuances that I can do in intonation, pace, etc. to make the things I say more appealing... it's part of the game... 

 

Life Purpose 

I feel like I have the right amount of challenges, and I am looking forward to unleashing unlimited energy to fulfill my life purpose. Now, you may ask: "What is your life purpose?" Still don't know completely, but it's probably something like, "fully embrace my natural self and help others do the same through example." 

I feel like I am getting more attuned with the cycles of nature, and this lifts a huge pressure off my shoulders.. Yea, I still rush at times, and guess what? That comes with the package of being a westerner in the 21th century... No need to throw anything away... 

 

So, that's it.. I want to thank @JKG for sending me a video of Peter Ralston doing some boxing. It helped me a lot with understanding the importance of being "firm as a gelatin". Effortless power... whatever you wanna call it... I feel much more playful and natural by incorporating this strategy into my life, as opposed to getting stuck in perfectionism. 

 

Lately I have been expressing myself solo. This is great and everything, but I want to focus on getting good at expressing myself around other people, like dancing, acting etc. It's great to do solo, but with other people is much more emotionally powerful. 

 

I don't have anything more to say, but I feel like writing more haha. I feel like I am in a phase of transcending rules.  

My wrists hurt a bit from writing haha... i apply too much force... i should practice effortless power.. ops... no should statementsXD  

 

Go Metta! 

Turn Inwards! 

Big picture! 

 

To wrap up here, I am definitely gonna do more body-work... More yoga, more Tai Chi, more  dancing, more Reiki... it works directly with the subconscious mind, so a lot of stuff is resolved automatically... 

Body = Subconscious 

So by opening up my body and through organic movements, things will auto-correct in my life 

yea, I am totally extending myself here... But hell... I am not the only one who exaggerates  

 

Beautiful ayahuasca song: 

 

Edited March 23, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[Gabriel Antonio]

Going Full-Circle? Or Am I Just Deluding Myself? 

 

Yesterday I was feeling very anxious about the new things I got going for this week… and I was totally in fear… Like REALLY escaping reality as much as I can through sleep, Netflix, faping etc. And I allowed myself to do whatever I wanted in a Hakuna Matata sorta thing.

My mind was overly agitated (as usual) about the things I am going to do this week… things like, “I can’t do it”, “I am not competent enough”, “Idon’t have enough skill” And I was really scared yesterday because I was feeling VERY bad emotionally. Depressive… and everything…

And then…. Ta-da! Today I wake up feeling so content… out of nowhere… all the thought patterns that were irritating the shit out of me stopped making sense.

 

So, I just gotta tell this and then I will go: I have learned in a great book that’s on the booklist a technique of exaggerating negativity , and man… that worked so well throughout the day, but I am pretty sure it’s not gonna work tomorrow =(

Like… I feel like I have overused to the technique, dunno… And I am doing the book without guidance, so I must be screwing things up… Hahahahaha I am actually doing the technique right now. It’s so freaking funny to play with your own devilry. But the Devil has a lot of tricks under its sleeve… one of which is called overpracticing.

I am simply impressed by my level of authenticity and fluency today. Normally I am a guy who overthinks and overanalyzes all his thoughts before saying or writing them, but everything seems more genuine today… dunno… I feel more integral… with more integrity.

 

Random Thoughts

 

> My back is aching like crazy…

> My mantra for this moon is: “Natural me, the best me.” And it has been working wonders!

> Tomorrow I will give an English class to a 5-year-old twin couple (idk if you use this term “couple” in English to simply refer to a boy + a girl. They are not dating each other hahaha !) I have no idea how it’s going to turn out… I am just gonna make sure I sleep nice … and keep making fun of my devil within, which is actually me I suppose… and then the class will unfold by itself idk... they get bored very quickly (like any child) so I think I will allow them to do the playing and i will follow their lead. I just dunno how I am gonna teach them English ... oh god... 

> I miss Leo’s Heyyyyyyyyy… Hahahaha… sorta useless if you think about it…

> I also jogged while listening to Leo Quantum Mechaniscs Part 2… The best episode I have ever seen of actualized.org is: “Who is The Devil?” It was extremely emotionally challenging to hear the whole thing with openmindedness, but I did, and it paid off BIGTIME! Enlightenment experience in a ayahusca trip! Anyway, I am doing the same thing with the newer episodes… I am just gonna trust Leo on that …

> Mann, I felt so much energy and so alive today… that I start grasping to this moment, like: “I WANT TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER!!!!” How stupid of me… By grasping, I destroy. Take a twinkle and grasp it very firmly… it’s gonna BOOM get destroyed

 

Well… I feel very happy and psychedelic (didn’t use any, just a bit of cannabis) today . Existence feels magical at times. Like real magical, not the bullshit magic of the material world… I am accepting my own devilry more… Laughing my way through it… Realizing that my job is not to figure out anything; it’s just to keep my mind open and allow things to figure out by themselves. Kinda crazyyy….

But… right now, Im about to do the best meditation of my life… A complete forgiveness (you -> others, you -> you, and others -> you) so all directions are included + a loving-kindness meditation by Jack Kornfield. That thing changed my fucking life… It’s so gooooodd!!! If you want it, you can find it  

Because I am for the first time in forever honest with myself it is actually very effortless to write all of this.

I have no intention of editing this text, so I am good to go. Well, I lied I just edited the text a bit

 

“Gabi, é você?” Belle no Whats

 

There's a lot of information in this entry...... 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Attempting to Simplify... 

I don't know about you, but I tend to be a very deep, existential, philosophical guy. This is great and everything, but there must be a limit to that. Otherwise, I get lost in pure monkey-mind... totally immersed in a labyrinth I will never escape. That's why the mind is so tricky... In Portuguese the word mind is "mente", and the verb "to lie" in the third person conjugation is ALSO "mente", so there's an expression here that says: 

A mente mente. 

Since "mente" can mean either "mind" or "to lie" (in the third person) the translation becomes: 

The mind lies. 

Hehe... I actually am not really fond of this expression, because it is overused in Brazilian spiritual circles. 

And speaking of spritual communities, I think this one is extra important to all of us who are self-actualizing. You gotta find people that live close to you who are also walking the path. For example, I have gone through some really deep emotional turmoil, and man... I went to my friend's house, and I just stayed there... talking... not forcing any-fucking-thing. Guess what happened? I started to feel better. 

After I vented, purged what was up to me in the truest way possible; I became aware of how deep things don't matter that much... Haha... Leo talked about this in the "The Theme Of Going Full-Circle." Seriously, that episode is da bomb! Hahahahaha... Too me, that's what so fascinating about advanced self-development. The thing becomes paradoxical, mindfucky, and counterintuitive. I freaking love that. Leo said that oh, shit! I don't know if this is the right episode. 

Anyway, Leo said that there is no distinction between the trivial and the profound. I tend to overly praise the most deep levels of life. Like, I like to go REAL intense... Hahah, that's fine, but it's a strategy crazy, emotionally unstable, and even addicts use. However, the person who truly appreciates the simplicity of life, as cliché as this may sound, does NOT need to always dive into complexity...

Like... they are just being an animal, you know? And they are totally comfortable with that. They don't try, like I do, to have superhuman powers, energy, and high levels of , you know, ecstasy etc. NOooooooo! That's a hugeee trap! They are very very calm... they are already entertained with reality by itself alone. They are not "trying to figure out" anything. You hear me, Gremlin? Haha... 

Well, after this insight, I choose to value more the natural flow of life... common thoughts, common conversations, common little problems, common food; you know? I am fed up of trying to revolutionize... I just wanna settle... Invoke the water element into the heart chakra so that the inner fire diminishes. 

Dunno....!!! I am probably extending myself here, as usual... Hehe... Like, I don't wanna spend too much energy on stupid thoughts, emotions and ego stuff... Like I want to go back to the HEART area. You know? I don't know what I am talking about haha... But it's like coming back to your natural self. Remember? When you are a child? I mean... you must have a memory of how cool it was to be completely yourself... Leo calls this being. So....!!!! That's exactly my point!!! 

Haha, it all boils down to being. Some people call this laziness. I truly envy people who can completely let go when they are watching a movie, or a song.... and feel zero guilt. I feel like I have retained myself so much in the past that when I do express myself, it's always too intense, too accumulated... 

But anyway, I want to reconnect to being. Even when I am doing shit, I still have the being in me. You know... the equanimity... a place where I can take refuge in my self... Wow... I value this thousand times more than having a hectic lifestyle. But, you know, this understanding must come organically. 

So... I consciously understand that being simple is the highest form of sophistication (as someone wrote), yet I have to come to the grips that sometimes I will be prolix, illogical, too complex, too deep etc. But I also truly want that in the moments where I am diving wayyyy too deep to the point of unhealthiness, my new mantra will be: "may I remember the simplicity of life". 

Shit, I probably got way too many mantras... haha... Btw, just to wrap up here, my intention for the new moon has been going great, yet I realize how important it is to actually experience the word for yourself as oppose to get stuck in the idea-land... 

The Map Is Not The Territory! 

[Gabriel Antonio]

1 Year Of This Journal! 

365 days that I started writing here, and well this is probably the habit that I have been the most consistent about, even though I write very freely here and sometimes I even write too damn much haha... much anyway, I have been trying to find something to do with constancy that will inevitably produce results. Peak experiences are overrated; instead, I want to develop that nice foundation that is guaranteed to increase my inner peace, which is what really matters. 

I don't really know what I am going to write here. Was thinking of doing an overview of how my life has been going, realistically. Dunno... I want to make sure for this next year that I maintain a good balance between exposing myself here vs being consistent. Because if I start oversharing details here, I might want to destroy this journal altogether. And it's really nice to have something going on for so long. So that I can look back to my life in the future. 

Well, I am going to try. 

 

Work & Life Purpose

My work is actually very related to my life purpose (developing clear communication), but the problem is, I want to help people in something that I myself am struggling, which is to throw yourself out there... and that's the key to learning languages (I give Pt and Eng classes). I am in a big plateau right now. Like I am not seeing results. And I admit that I lack proper technique since I never did any workshop on language instruction. 

Probably my biggest problem is that I haven't mastered the art of standing up for myself and looking at the things I fear right in the eye. So if I myself doubt my capacity, how will others trust me? 

I feel I am self-sabotaging in this area big time. I asked for a friend for help to give my classes a boost, but I honestly doubt that things will change. 

I lack assertiveness and organization. People tend to like me, but it's no use if my classes themselves don't have a structure... And sometimes things go very bad in the class, like the student starts speaking his or her own language. It seems like there is so much to learn that I find it overwhelming... 

 

Things I Have Learned In This Year 

Well, I don't feel like writing about the other areas. Just want to point out one thing I feel like I have improved in the last year:

1- the need for true friendship. I tend to get bored around people very quickly. I sometimes fantasize that I lying in my bed (while I am with others). To me, friendships never made much sense. I have always thought that it was a distraction. In reality, I think I haven't had a true friend in a LOOOng time... someone who I can be authentic with. That's my definition of friendship... 

But anyway, this past year I have made 3 very good friendships. I will lean on them as long as I am not totally immersed in my life purpose. I know that life purpose is where almost all the juice of life is at, but maybe I should just try to be a friend to someone, learn how to like other people... as they are... 

What I think has happened to me is: because at a young age I thought I couldn't rely on others, I developed this armor that allows me to be alone almost all the time, but this eventually backfires... so I feel like I need to come to the grips that I actually need people... not in a neurotic way... but actually see and talk with another human who is also self-actualizing. I had a conversation with a friend today about depression, and it feels so good to know that you are not alone in your suffering. 

 

2- The second thing is the need for discipline and structure. Simple as that... I tend to be all over the place, so my concentration skills suck. I have two options: either I seek help, or I develop my own method for being organized. Maybe I can mix those two solutions. Observe how others do their thing and create my unique style. Because if you ever tried to develop discipline, you probably know how frustrating that can be. Like... the name should be overdiscipline... 

 

3- Natural state of Being. >> That's where creativity comes from. As soon as I quiet down my monkey-mind, ideas start pouring. It's all a matter of connecting myself back to the Being state. There is nothing mysterious about it; it's something extremely simple. I have had experiences of Being this year especially in ayahuasca ceremonies. After a while, my ego simply surrendered and I felt the inherent peacefulness of the present moment, and I realized that what I call boredom is actually a stepping stone for entering the present moment. 

And the Being state can happen even if the midst of activities. Conversely, you can be doing nothing and NOT be connect with Being. So.. it's a inner thing. 

 

4- "Spiritual" Places can be the most unspiritual places 

In the beginning of this journal, I emphasized how much I was going to some gospel churches, meditation group, etc. Actually deep down I don't want that. I want places where people are truly themselves. No need to be spiritual or anything... In a way, I exhausted those places and I really don't feel like going there regularly like I used to. 

 

5- People Are Incredibly Hypocrite as far as advices are concerned

 It strikes me how people give you an advice today, and tomorrow they are doing the exact opposite of what they advised you. It's like a fucking joke. In a way, that is liberating because it shows how fucked up people are. And this gives a sense of relief, of like "wow, I don't have to micromanage everything I say, because everybody is talking bullshit." That sorta thing. Obviously some people sound more convincing than others. 

 

6- Theater is a great tool for healing traumas 

I did a little play and it was very transforming to me. Hope to get more experiences with that. 

 

7- It's Okay To Binge

I mean we all know binging is not healthy, but it happens. Food, Netflix, 9gag, sleeping... it's so much! A year ago, I was off almost all addictions , but it wasn't authentic. I was compensating my old bad habits with new habits (such as going to church), but they didn't stick. 

The worst thing that can happen is not binging, but to take yourself so seriously to the point of ruminating about that you are doing it. 

Because a year and a half ago I was on antidepressant and despite all the negative emotions and thoughts derived from binging, I still did them. And even stronger... 

And the thing is, your luck can turn right before your eyes. You could have had a day of depression and the other day can also be depressive or... something new can happen. 

And the thing about having a young body is that it restores itself very quickly 

 

8- No Need to Speak Loudly 

I got hooked especially between March-June on this idea of summoning massive will-power to conquer my anxiety and be listened. First of all, most people want to talk so desperately that they will compete with your tone of your voice so that they can speak. In the type of life I want to live, I want to be heard with my normal voice. 

 

9- Don't Focus On Self-Improvement, but on Self-Acceptance 

Self-acceptance can be confused with passivity. I may do that, but there is an inner-knowing that things will auto-correct with enough time. Not everything, I know, but a lot. And my reality can change right before my eyes, as long as I am in a receptive mode. I don't need to go somewhere else, things will come to me. But for that to happen I gotta be in a relaxed state of presence. 

To me self-improvement is too masculine. It's as if you wanna get rid of your negative aspects... While self-acceptance gives that reassuring warmth of, "Everything is exactly how it should be." Boom... whether you like it or not... whether you think you are being too passive or not... 

 

10- Confronting Your Fears Is Not Always Good 

Unfortunately I got into two arguments this year... I expressed myself 100%, but it was not worth it. I learned a lot from that, but I know that it was too neurotic... and it caused so much damage... not to mention that my ego always reminds me of that to fuel my guilt... Right now, I am too much on my comfort zone, I admit... 

 

Past (A year ago)

             |-------------------------------------|--------------------------------x-----|

Total Comfort Zone                                                Total Outside Comfort Zone 

 

Now

             |-------x------------------------------|-------------------------------------|

Total Comfort Zone                                                Total Outside Comfort Zone 

 

Future (3-31-2019) 

             |---------------------------------x----|-------------------------------------|

Total Comfort Zone                                                Total Outside Comfort Zone 

 

Both of the extremes cause suffering... when I get neurotic about leaving my comfort zone, I lose touch of the simplicity of the present moment. When I am too stuck in my comfort zone, I feel ... not alive... Well, I have explored both poles. So I hope for this next phase to think of baby-steps to try new things. 

 

11- Whenever You Get Too Excited About Something... Stay Alert! 

When I get too euphoric, as much as my ego hate to admit, it's a time to actually slow down. If I were ten times more patient, I would have gotten the results I crave for. But because I am unaware of the cycles of nature, I keep hitting my face against the wall. With the same speed that I get excited, I also get demotivated and I rush the process, which only does harm. 

 

I wanted to write 20 things here, but that's probably enough. 

 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

More Things I Have Learned This Year…

 

12- What we want is not the best self, but the natural self

Here’s the thing: you can try and put a mask as if you were perfect, or you can focus on being the way you organically are. When trying to become better, we often get neurotic… But then you meet someone who has flaws just like me and you, but who who is so relaxed in the moment that the person becomes untouchable.

When I am trying too hard, I often get rigid. When I am rigid, I get very vulnerable. No flexibility whatsoever. So I can “break” very quickly. On the other side, there is that feeling of not doing enough sorta thing that actually is a program I got from the school system.

Learning/Change is already happening… And you can’t even stand out of the way, because everything must be included, including your “worst” self.

 

13- Don’t take rules so seriously

 

This has to do with confusing the map with the territory. I have read so many things about psychology, language learning, relationships, etc that I get paralysis by analysis. I am in that highly perfeccionist mode of trying to get the best results out of every little tiny detail about a situation… and also about life…

But… that actually HURTS me… Fixation on being perfect creates a lot of problems because you end up using all your energy; however, we have to learn how to direct the energy on the priority. For example, I always try to give the best language class and be the “perfect” teacher, but actually this neurosis of mine blocks me from being in the moment in a laid-back sorta way.

So, from now on, I hope to fully integrate the art of consciously half-assing, and break some rules… including the rule of breaking rules… haha…

 

14- When you are aligned to your Life Purpose, you become a superhuman

This past year, I have felt truly aligned to my LP some times. It was crazy… Like… so much energy… so much vitality… so much health… it’s as if you are living in a different reality. People around you may not understand why you are doing what you are doing, but deep inside you know! And that’s what matters.

Vision!

 

15- Most of what I learned in self-development must be thrown away

 

Like… life is getting so paradoxical and mindfucky that the typical self-help advice simply stopped making sense to me. Go exercise! Take action! Blah blah blah… The less I think about those things, paradoxically, the better I naturally become at them… When I stopped trying to have a good relationship with my family, I started having. When I stopped trying to become confident, I became.

You see, I am not trying to produce any change whatsoever in my life. Some may call this laziness, passitivity… And yea, there’s a fear inside that says, “Wait until your life gets messy! Then you will see that I was right: You are fucking up your life!” Something along those lines… It’s the inner gremlin.

As I mentioned yesterday, I want to deeply reconnect to the Being state. Another name for this is Access Concentration. The moment that your mind chatter stops being important. And you become relaxed in your body. Like… “Everything’s perfect.” Sounds hippie and new-agy, I know, but this is doable!

 

16- Faith Is a Choice

Remove any religious usages of the word “faith.” The thing is, you can either believe there are no miracles; or believe that everything is a miracle. (Think Einstein said that, but not sure).

 

You can believe that

everything you’re doing is what you should be doing; or you can believe that certain things you shouldn't be doing.

 

So, even if I am screwing up big-time, I consciously decide to accept that this is part of Divinity’s Plan, and that I have not enough intellect to comprehend why I am doing what I am doing, only Nature can know that.

 

I think that consciously choosing to believe that there are higher forces in command of our reality takes a huge pressure off the shoulder.. Like… I don’t have to figure out anything… I am just gonna do my thing, with as few thoughts as I can, and trust the unfolding of Divinity right before my eyes. After all, it’s a strange loop…

 

So ...

 

Existence loves me, no matter what I am doing or not doing.

 

That’s a choice.

 

Well, I think I overwrote, like always, but it’s okay haha…

Hello, Verboise, my old friend...

I come to talk with you again...

 

I am getting really sleepy. Will try to go to Tai Chi practice tomorrow morning, but it’s already 12:47 AM, so I might as well sleep in. Dunno…

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

My Experience With Teaching Language to Children

I had this belief that my life purpose had to do with children, but now that I had the direct experience, I am very doubtful of that.

I am sure there are very effective techniques to deal with agitated children/animals, but I simply don't know. The more I try to tame them, the more agitated they become. The more I try to interact with them, the worse the conversation gets... 

 I am not going to be the guy that puts extra effort to please others, much less children. Instead, I want to be the guy who is natural, who feels good in his skin... 

Now analyzing the results of the classes, it was quite disastrous, though he taught me a lot. 

Let's face it: I am currently not good at training dogs, nor training adults, nor training children. That’s a skill I will eventually have to develop in my life. But it’s not happening right now… the more I fight it, the worse the beast gets… it is not giving up, but a strategic break. 

 

Ego-Backlash Humbling Me

I went through an ego backlash these past days, and wow… I kinda needed that…

even though I exaggerated on some things, it left me with a new understanding of what is like to to trust the unfolding of your life no matter what…

i’m just trying to stay calm, keep doing the things I naturally wanna do, and observe how life changes right before my eyes. It’s just a matter of time…

Because you know what? I am not going to impact the world by trying to be somebody other than who I already am. It is my life experience that can help others… I know that many many people are going through the same thing than I am right now… and how can I have compassion for them, if I myself have never been to the dark realms? Sure, I don’t want to get attached to that, but it’s part of life…

For example, if I were to explain to the Dalai Lama some of the problems people from the 21 st century are going through, he would not even understand, because he sorta lives in a different reality than us

Conversely, if i stop trying to fix my goddamn self all the time, and simply allow whatever my instincts want to do; then I will be able to better empathize with others that are going through emotional turmoil…

i wanna be that person who you can be yourself 100% and not be judged… so i am in the process of accepting myself as a whole. before I can accept all the weirdness in another being, I first have to accept my own 

 

Growth is NOT linear!

I feel like watching Leo’s video how to be more patient. I feel like I should watch that many times to program that into my subconscious mind…

 

Reminders:

I am already taking action.

Your problem is not lack of action, but neurosis.

Wait till you hit the knee of the curve. 

 

So to sum up, teaching children showed me that my life purpose is not about children, but probably adults. And disciplining children is quite energy-draining... Probably it's weak tone of voice... maybe it's because I allowed myself to get dominated by fear as a young child... I wish I could be more assertive, more natural, more loosey-goosey... Awwwwwww.... i am putting so much energy on writing this! fuck! 

[alyra]

All of what you learn is essential to discovering all that you need to learn. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

On ‎4‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 6:49 AM, alyra said:

All of what you learn is essential to discovering all that you need to learn. 

Wut?

 

 

Personal Development Is Counterintutive 

Last year, I went so deep into my own psyche, and I discovered that almost everything that I had heard I should actually do the exact opposite. Sorta like the exercise for dropping should statements that Leo gives in that episode. So I get the thing I "should" do and contemplate in my mind the possibility of doing the opposite, just for open-mindedness sake's. 

I call this playing with counterintuitiveness. Cause self-deception is such a big thing that you should actually do the opposite of what common sense tells you. But start small. 

 

Radical Honesty 

I can't fool myself: I am going through a phase of laziness, where it feels like I am wasting my life, time, and energy. Though I have always had this spark inside that motivated me to take action eventually... but I am not even thinking about that... I got serious motivation problems... I know that by doing stuff, I will eventually start enjoying the thing, but being lazy sounds so much more comfortable haha... But it's something unsustainable... I can't live my life like this... 

And then, I try to come up with solutions... but it's counterproductive. The more I think, the more I confuse myself. Maybe this laziness is here to teach me how to let go no matter what -- even if it is through engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as binging on Netflix, food, sleep, etc. Because deep down I exaggerate how much harm they bring. Like, yea binging on stuff is not good, but worse than that is binge on thinking about how you shouldn't have done something. 

 

> The two things that separate me from two years ago are: psychedelics and cannabis & friends. These two things help me a lot. Even if they are just a "security blanket," but it gives me a sense of trust in the process... 

I am really not handling well with any type of stress this year. It's making me go nuts. So fortunately I can slow down as much as I want.

Ideally I think I need some good old masculine compassion to put my things together, but that ain't happening in the foreseeable future... 

I get pissed off because I know how much of life I am missing, yet I know that If I don't change who I am internally, it won't matter where I am... 

Yet, I can't deny that it is kinda enjoyable to slack off... but then guilt inevitably arises... 

 

Wow... so many things I could expose here... but I think that's enough. I am pretty aversed to my work; I canceled a lot of classes this week, and I have been trying to distract myself as much as possible. Boom! That's me in a nutshell 

 

Wow 2... it feel so good to self-reflect through journaling. It feels very healingful .. I like that word healingful.  Full of healing. Full of awareness. Awareness has nothing to do with tension. Pure observation. I am in a point of my journey that I feel like things are so not working that they start to work... the things I have been investing my time and energy on.. like this journal... I judge that I am going nowhere due to lack of a technique and a systematic training, but this thing here is working. 

 

Or maybe not:P 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Micronegotiation 

I am thinking of setting my intention for the new moon will be to "micronegotiate" everything. Let me explain that. I very often take things for granted and I don't always communicate assertively. So I think that if I check more often how the other person is thinking, even if I exaggerate in the beginning, I will be able to talk myself out of almost any problem in life. 

Quote

"I remembered my father’s face as he soothed my crying and applied the stinging iodine. Then I remembered our fights, fights which had been of the worst possible kind because my technique had been silence." 
- James Baldwin 

My mind is not that flexible, so I tend to assume a lot of shit. Which in reality I DONT KNOW. By being too silent all the time, without exchanging energy, I get lost in the laziness of my mind. 

Micronegotiation will also help me embody the insight of co-creation. Creating alone is fun, but co-creating is 10x better. I know this theoretically, but I want to focus on co-creating more during this new phase of the moon. Even if it is with another persona inside myself. But haha I think its better to focus on real people... I don't wanna get lost in my little universe...  

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Refined intention for the new moon: Wacky me, the best me. 

Yea, I am imperfect... and it's a paradox that when I truly accept my imperfection and I allowed it, things seems to be closer to perfection... instead of getting paranoid and trying to be peRfect in everything... 

And a word that really resonated with me is "wacky". Jack Kornfield said that: "We are all a little wacky." Idk... I liked that.. 

My last intention was "Natural me, the best me" haha, so now there is a new one.. The wacky me.. I just hope to avoid any extreme... for example, being TOO wacky, TOO authentic... TMI kinda thing 

It feels like things are clicking 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

I have realized in life that sometimes it is all a matter of taking the first step. You don’t really have to think about it, because there will be no YOU who is doing. The experience is happening by itself.

 

I have to be honest here: I am procrastinating a lot of life problems. It seems like I have tried so hard, and now it is time to slow down and focus on cultivating friendships.

 

I am kinda attached to the Earth element. Part of me thinks that life is only about facing fear head-on. But it actually isn’t. That only makes me stressed, and it eventually backfires.

 

         |--------------------------|---------------------------|

COMFORT                                                    COURAGE

 

When I apply too much force on courage, the thing ends up going all the way back to comfort.

 

I think I have tried enough to do things solo. I can only get so far by myself. Still, I miss having a healthy outlet for my bad-quality energy. To transmute that shit and be spiritually, physically, emotionally, and psychologically PURIFIED. There’s still a lot of shit in me that is blocking “God to work itself through me.”

 

I have realized how truer life feels when I am connecting with a friend. It is an exchange of energy. It’s not like I have to “sacrifice” myself, but simply caring about the other person.

 

I have a masculine mind, and sometimes it is worthy comtemplating the difference between objects and living things. The goal of sex is not to satisfy my sexual desires, but to bond with the other person.

 

I find that it is much easier to be courageous when I have good people inside and outside of me. The more I nourish the outside friends, the happier the inside friends also get. It is a win-win. And I do feel at times my friends inside of me.

 

Last but not least: I am in the process of embodying the lazy-man’s path to enlightenment. See more here: http://gururating.org/2017/03/04/mooji/

 

I am more in contact with the feminine energy. It is so healing… even thou I judge it as being “fruity”

 

Question-Mantra for the week:

What feels the most natural right now?

[Gabriel Antonio]

Changing my focus

instead of having the pretension of “God working itself through me”, I want instead to focus on something more concrete, more human.

>>>  relationships <<<

i am very lucky to have found three amazing people who I can practice being vulnerable (aka being the weird me). And what I have found through cultivating those friendships is that 

Everything I desesperately want (and more) can be found in human connection. i am not saying any type of interaction, but to have a few friends who you can act stupid with.

People who you can be authentic with, without fearing that you are gonna “lose” the friendship.

I am even thinking of starting a new journal focusing specifically on communication, interaction, bonding etc.

btw, in a psychedelic trip, my life purpose came to me very very clearly and very strongly. 

Overcome shyness and help others do the same.

so I am considering creating a new journal with that title...

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Direct Experience

I would put "direct experience" as one of my values, so to speak. I am often just reproducing something that I heard. That's okay, as long as I have a direct experience from what I am talking.

For example, I know from experience how tensing up body and mind will make me tired very quickly. Instead, by being with people who remind me who I truly am, I can trust my relaxed version. And if something is not flowing like I wish, then it is probably a sign to change. Or do it some other time. There is no rush. This is not a race.

 

Quote

We are on a rush to get nowhere fast.

- Saw it on infinite waters, don't know the exact author

 

Today 5-7-2018

Today I stayed at my house throughout the day. I didn't do shit. Just watched Yu-Gi-Oh! videos ... read some things online... But I didnt socialize nor did I leave my house. It doesn't feel very good. I mean, I am glad I allowed myself to have such a lazy day, but I know from personal experience that "basic" pleasures (eg, eating, sleeping, orgasm) must not be overdone, otherwise it gradually gives off less and less pleasure--until it becomes painful.

But anyway, right now at the end of the day, I feel very optimistic. As if I had become aware. "Oh... another day of depression. Ok..."

Things might take some time to figure themselves out, but I know that it is just a matter of living one day at a time and taking in whichever bitter pill the Universe wants me to swallow (in homeopathic dosage), and not force myself too rigidly. The healing is already happening, whether I want it or not.

[Gabriel Antonio]

God is always in command.

Whether we want it, whether we don't.

Whether we believe in It, whether we don't.

The formless.

Absolute Infinity.

How can you not believe in something that you already are?

[Gabriel Antonio]

4:35 AM

I think I will stop updating this journal. I want to start a new one focusing on my life purpose.

[Gabriel Antonio]

Important definitions of words with "over..."

 

Overdramatic (Drama Queen)

People (mostly girls - but boys play their part) who like to blow everything totally out of proportion

 

Overtraining

Overtraining occurs when a person exceeds their body's ability to recover from strenuous exercise.

 

Overshare

1, reveal an inappropriate amount of detail about one's personal life.

2. when more information is provided by subject that what is entirely necessary or even wanted.

Example:

Quote

Subject 1: I gotta do laundry. No clean underwear since Christmas. I've resorted to wearing them inside-out, backwards, and inside-out backwards.

Subject 2: That, my friend, is an overshare.

Related words: TMI, overexposure, intrusion