Letting God Work Itself Through Me

[Gabriel Antonio]

@West Thanks for the message.

I love cold showers. They embody radical action and comfort zone challenges. I take them religiously first thing in the day. I love the feeling of just fucking do it. Like "I know this will be unpleasant, but I will do it anyway."

I figured out my life purpose on my last ayahuasca trip. "Overcome shyness and help others with shyness to overcome it." I used to meditate for 4 hours every single day (did it for about 4 months). Currently, I have been meditating for at least 15 minutes, but I do like to pray during the day. I feel like what I really need is not meditation for this moment in time, but socializing more. So I have been focusing on being more social, doing comfort zone challenges, and becoming independent of the good or the bad opinion of others as Leo says (which is a REAL challenge).

I don't try to be aware while I take cold showers. It's one of those things that I simply do it. Just get it done. Hehe.

Thanks again for the question! =)

[Gabriel Antonio]

5-5-17

i feel happy in general. healthier. i have discovered that i am a naturally dynamic and high-energy person. i am not into consistency but always being in the flow. change is the only constant. flowing with life. making conscious small changes such as changing where i sit. doing things differently, with my left hand. not blinking for a while. establishing more eye contact than normal.

my cure came about not through meditation per se but through socializing.

comfort zone challenges are great to train ourselves to get uncomfortable at times.

when we evolve, we see that the things that made us fear become laughable.

i am beginning to appreciate the trivial conversations. people have been telling me that i need to keep more focused and listen more in conversations. this sometimes upsets me. but it is part of the process.

when we are truly healthy, we don't need discipline, nor do we need to "stay positive", we naturally gravitate towards positivity. and some negativity can be good at times.

but I want to pinpoint this: socializing was what cured me.

[Gabriel Antonio]

5-7-2017

I know that everything is changing very quickly. right now, i feel tensed in my body. i like the word "evolve". i know that hardcore meditation was needed for me to realize that this is not the path i should take for now. i have discovered my life purpose: "overcome shyness and help others overcome it." i have also stated the purpose in the positive: "develop supreme self-confidence and help others achieve it."

today, i went back home from the ayahuasca ceremony. i slept for a few hours. when i woke up, i was feeling lethargic and lazy. my grandma was so happy and joyful. she even bought me some peanut candies at the market. it was very sweet of her. anyway, seeing her so happy reminded me of how better it is to live instead of overthinking life. so i decided to take some action.

i forced myself to go out of my house. then, i started talking with random people, mainly security guards on the street. then, i went to a Catholic mass. it was kind of cool mainly because it was a new experience.

things i am interested in developing:

> focusing on one subject when talking

> get back to doing yoga for 5 minutes a day

> write down all the $ i spend and all the $ i get each day

> keep focus on socializing

> meditate at least 5 minutes in the morning (i completely dropped my 4-hour meditation habit. thankfully.)

> get back to learning more (reading books, watching videos)

> keep doing comfort zone challenges & value all attempts that i practiced courage

> talk with the divine before bed

> watch at least one full Matt Kahn video

> keep taking cold showers and eating pure lemon

> be dynamic. if i feel like ending a conversation, do it. trust that the Universe will bring me something better.

> resume making Youtube videos.

> handwrite more

> meet with my dad, step-bro and step-mom

> do new things everyday

> buy some indian clothes

> search for comfort zone challenges and do at least one a day

> focus on being casual, light, and tranquil

> keep talking about the present moment

> keep talking even if it feels uncomfortable

> force myself to step out of the house

> focus on real people or at least audio-video interactions

> listen to new songs

> cook soy meat

=]

[Gabriel Antonio]

[JKG]

On 8.5.2017 at 5:11 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

> focusing on one subject when talking

Do you authentically want that, or do you just want that because I told it to you?

 

On 8.5.2017 at 5:11 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

i forced myself to go out of my house. then, i started talking with random people, mainly security guards on the street. then, i went to a Catholic mass. it was kind of cool mainly because it was a new experience.

I am kind of jealous that you are able to do that. It sounds so effortlessly.

Having new experiences is important. Thanks for reminding me about that.

[Dragallur]

1 hour ago, JKG said:

On 8. 5. 2017 at 5:11 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

> focusing on one subject when talking

Do you authentically want that, or do you just want that because I told it to you?

This is hilarious.

@Gabriel Antonio I should probably train that a bit after today!

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 5/9/2017 at 2:42 PM, JKG said:

I am kind of jealous that you are able to do that. It sounds so effortlessly.

 

Hehe, thanks for your honesty. Your comment helped me today take action in talking with strangers.

On 5/9/2017 at 2:42 PM, JKG said:

Do you authentically want that, or do you just want that because I told it to you?

it is a waste of time. spontaneity is better :]

[Gabriel Antonio]

[Gabriel Antonio]

[Gabriel Antonio]

[Gabriel Antonio]

U

[Gabriel Antonio]

[Mango1998]

@Gabriel Antonio I like your idea with handwriting

Giving classes might also help you to improve you communication skills

If you ask me, time is the best gift you can give someone, even if it is short I hope your friend will see that also like that

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Mango1998 cute message. thanks

[Gabriel Antonio]

5-17-2017

Today = less energetic that usual.

In a strange way, I fear feeling tranquil because I think,

"Shit! I have got to exert control! I should NOT get lethargic & lazy. That's the worst shit in the world!". >> I should get lethargic and lazy.

Quote

A-ha! I just became aware of a belief: "I have to always keep moving."

I like @JKG post about being non-productive. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones that I don't have any intention at hand; to simply talk bullshit. I came up with a sentence a few months ago.

Quote

The world need more non-busy people.

However, I feel that at this moment of my life, I want to use my energy. I want to be productive, full of activities.

Why?  Because when I use 100% of my energy, I feel great afterwards.

Small Strategic Moves

The key to progress is to take baby-steps and be consistent.

Consistency = Patience + Action

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Greetings!

It is a pleasure to be here. Graciousness is a word a like to use to describe the Buddha. One and a half year ago, I was so accustomed to doing things slowly, very mindfully, dwelling deeply in the here; in the Now. I reckon that was a phase. Nowadays, I am embracing my enthusiasm. I feel a profound fire energy inside of me. A male-dominant inner-force arising. For instance, my intention for this day is to be a vehicle of youthfulness.

Dynamism is key. As I always mention here, the secret to abundance is performing various activities in homeopathic doses. If something is not flowing at this exact moment.... it is okay. Take a conscious, strategic break. Your brain will resolve all questions for you. Remember: nothing is under your control.

There are times that we need to speed up; use our energy. This way, we naturally gain our peace. Tiredness can generate peace. I have not been practicing sitting meditation. Instead, I practice walking meditation. I elevate my thinking patterns to the Divine and the Holy Father. I invoke the energy of the Supreme Cosmic Energy through prayer. Phrases such as "Almighty," "Eternal Father," or "Lord" fosters my connection with the Absolute Infinity (as @Dragallur likes to put it).

I will create today a list of 20 random social fears that I have so that I can tap into each of them through a systematic strategy of comfort zone crushes.

Cheers, mates!

Gabriel/Devil/Noah/Lucca/Fábio/Victor/Gustavo [these are all the names I have used in the past]

[Gabriel Antonio]

12:19 PM 19-May-17

Autobio

Childhood

I was a very happy and joyful child. At the same time, I was also dependent upon adults to do things outside my comfort zone. I would feel insecure to try new things; thinking I was not going to make it.

I had a very strong bond with my cousin, who was also born in 1996. After my parents divorced (2005), I stopped seeing my cousin. The belief I got from the divorce was:

"I can't trust anyone 100%, because the other might go away, like my dad did." This is called a abandoment syndrom.

I stayed a full year (2006) without seeing my dad at all. At this moment, my mom, my sister, and I were attending a spiritism (which is a Christian church that believes in spirits) and we were also praying. This was a moment of stability after the sudden break-up of my parents.

Teenage Years

When I was 10, I moved to a traditional and competitive school. There people started to compare me with my sister. I was the quiet one, and she was the talkative. And I interiorized this label "the quiet one." I wish I had taken more initiative to simply talk to people, even if it were in a "weird" way.

That was a very hard school for me. I stayed there for 1 and a half year; then, I moved to the school I used to attend when I was a child.

For some time, I held some limiting beliefs about me being extremely  shy, not good enough (both academically and socially), and also "lazy". However, in High School, I made some good friends, some REAL friends--with whom I could be authentic with.

When I was 18, I moved to San Francisco (CA) for 4 months. There, I realized that my strategy of being a loner wasn't going to work out. So I forced myself to go out, to talk to people due to my despair (which was caused by isolation).

One year past, I moved to Santa Rosa (CA) for college. I stayed there for 1 and a half year.

I moved back to Brazil. Last year, I was recovering from an emotional breakdown (a.k.a. spiritual awakening) I had when I was in Santa Rosa. I was also feeling extremely lost and at times depressive. What helped me pick myself up was the support from my family, intensive therapy + educating myself through actualized.org and infinite waters + commitment of 4 hours of meditaition.

Nowadays (20 yo)
At this moment in time, I am focusing on giving Portuguese and English classes, go back to college, and deepen my relationship with other people and with the Absolute.

[Gabriel Antonio]

2:21 PM 20-May-17

For some reason, I feel very lazy today. I have got very low energy. I went out to go the market this morning, and I just didn't feel like being nice to people like I usually am. I said Hi to the people I see regularly, but I acted "I am in a rush."

Sometimes I wonder why I am in this "fight." Why do I see life as a battle? I do acknowledge that it feels very good take a break. At the same time, I have this deep fear of feeling bad in my body and mind. Right now, I feel well. But I reckon if I keep with this attitude of not making effort, I will soon start feeling shitty.

Maybe what is happening is homeostasis, but at the same time I feel like I can't start forcing myself to do stuff. Maybe I should simply follow Leo's advice on how to stop being lazy. (just fucking do it, even if you half-ass).

Sometimes life seems completely nonsensical. Today I began questioning all the things I have been doing. I keep a list of habits. And I am like, "Geez, why do I do all of these?" Life seems hard sometimes, and I fear getting lost in thoughts.

Anyway, I miss going to that evangelical church with my friend. Right now, I don't feel any connection with God. Yes... homeostasis is kicking in. At the same time, this is a moment of reflection: "Why do I put so many conditions to do things?"

I went to a meditation class yesterday, and it made me remind of self-acceptance. But when is something true self-acceptance or complacency?

I am taking ayahuasca today at a new place. At least I got that going for me. I am curious to see what pops up. I will make a list of some intentions.

Side note: I fapped yesterday before bed. Maybe my low energy has something to do with that. Or the fact that we're in the last quarter of the moon. Anyway, I am open to feeling energetic and happy once again. It is interesting how I trust more in myself to allow myself to feel "raw".

[Gabriel Antonio]

11:46 PM 22-May-17 

I want to thank my great friend @Dragallur for the awesome Skype conversation I had with him today. He listened to me very attentively and with a lot compassion. He shared with me an awesome video. I am very grateful that he was there for me, offering me shelter in a moment of difficulty. He inspired me to simply go out and force myself to meet people. 

I was going through a heavy spell of depression. I was overeating big-time. And also oversleeping. This is dangerous because it is a hole that sometimes it is hard to pull myself out of it. The longer I take to act, the deeper I go into the hole. 

Leo's recent videos are definitely not for me at the moment. I have a huge tendency for isolation, and seeing him advocate things like, "You can't grow your consciousness by being in a group." (which may be true) makes me want to go back to meditating 4 hours a day, which is totally unhealthy for me. Why? If you're in a room that's totally closed and it is smelly, you have got to open up your windows. NOT sit there and do nothing. I feel like I need to evolve myself and really get the basics of life handled before attempting meditation and enlightenment. I can't skip steps. "Oh... I won't study nor work, because I want to focus on meditation." That's an easy trap for me. 

I repeat: what has been helping me is advance my social skills. I love Leo's video about extroversion and also the one about how to overcome shyness. I like his advice of simply telling things about yourself to other people. Sometimes this may seem selfish, but it is a great way to express your voice and share your journey with other people. Sometimes I feel like my voice doesn't matter, but it does. I only need to build momentum to start expressing it. 

Starting slow... building momentum... BAM! I am rocking! 

Anyway, today I was very unproductive. I basically only socialized. But that was good. Why? Because I neededed it. I was in such a fragile emotional state that I couldn't focus on my work. I will do this Now (hehe, not exactly Now but when I finish writing here). Sometimes a break is needed. 

Please, step out of your house if you're feeling shitty. Go talk to someone. Go distract yourself. Start small. Start talking with the easiest people ever. (It can even be your mom, Idk). But do something. Even if it is shitty. 

That's an advice for myself. I feel much better now. More secure and confident. It is crazy how we can shift from being totally insecure to being very very confident. 

I also feel very humorous now. I like it. 

Anyway, thanks again to @Dragallur for saving my day! I owe you one, bro!

 

[Dragallur]

@Gabriel Antonio The video is originally from Jana