Letting God Work Itself Through Me

[Gabriel Antonio]

Telling About My Little Experiment - Programming an Intention for the Week

You take a wristband and place it on your wrist. Then, everytime you catch yourself looking at it, you remind yourself of your intention. I took this from Leo, actually. He sometimes suggests this technique at the end of the video. For example, in the contemplation video, he says to contemplate about relationships for 30 seconds; the other one he says to make it pinch you, you know, slap the wristband on yourself everytime you catch yourself criticising (Perfectionism video).

Anyway, I am a terrible writer cuz I go to a lot of tangents. Have you been practicing your concentration, btw? It can be as simple as listening to a song till the very end, without listening it on the background. Can you do that? It is actually kinda challenging, cause the mind goes CRAZY.

So… back to my experiment: it has been going very well. I find that having a juicy insight on your wrist is life-savior. Seriously, it helps a lot to avoid getting triggered and stay focused on self-actualization, as opposed to self-shame, self-guilt, and self-hatred. Haha…

 

Quote

Fun fact: Do you know that brazilians laugh like this “kkk”? No, they are not racists. It actually resembles to the sound of a type of laugh, if you think about it. Man… why am I talking about this?

 

OKAY! So let’s get to each week and each insight.

 

First week

 

Intention: If you can let go easily, let go. If you can’t, let it be.

Insight: This is a formula for a stress-free lifestyle.

 

Comment:

Seriously, if you are stressed out about something, that means you are not aligned with God’s Will (as the christians put it), so I took this insight from Leo’s video, and, man, did it work. Cause you can apply in many, many situations.

 

Should I stop thinking about this thought?

Can you let go easily?

No?

Then, Let it Be.

It is actually a meditation technique. Quite powerful!

 

Second week:

Intention: I am Gabriel

Insight: I am fucking amazing

 

Comment:

I got this idea from my Tai Chi teacher. She recommended us to use the “I Am” secret to embody our individuality. This insight makes me comprehend the magnititude of my greatness. If you think in terms of Physics, we are GIANT creatures, depending on the perspective. It makes me go, “How can I not see that?” (Btw, I feel like studying physics is a catalyst for enlightenment).

So… in times of trouble, I affirm this sentence for reminding myself of my greatness.

 

Third week:

Intention: I will survive

Insight: The Universe will go you what you ask it. From now on, I do not want situations that makes me challenge my survival skills, but rather situations that promote my well-ness and well-being.

 

Comment:

This intention is EXTREMELY powerful. In a lot of situations, I doubt of my own capacity to kick-ass. I get scared of uncomfortable emotions, not knowing that they are a signal that a high performance state is about to be entered. Haha, and I feel this insight helps put into perspective life itself. Dude! We are all gonna die VERY soon. If you realized the magnitude of this fact, man, wouldn’t be living your life differently? Like, taking more action, getting into some crazy adventures?

The thing is, a lot of us are extremely fragile. We cannot handle any emotional, nor physical distress. We shy away from them. But the truth is: they are a part of life. They are the excrement of your greatness to flourish. If you want to understand reality deeply, think in terms of Nature, because it fucking mimics itself over and over again. PÁ!

And, btw, I want to introduce you guys to a concept called: anti-fragility. There is a pretty cool video of that on youtube:

 

 

It is pretty cool. And it puts this whole question that we are dealing here, which is:

Life is ending one minute at a time. Is that Fight Club? Love that movie btw. It has a deeper message in it that almost nobody got it.

 

Fourth week:

Intention: Active Auto-Mode

Insight: You Already Are Good Enough

 

Comment:

So… here is the thing: you do not have to force anything, in fact you are the one causing your own problems by the way you react to things. Response-ability. I feel like society does a great job at transforming us in half-dead people. We get so lazy and comfortable with the beliefs that were held into us, and we simply don’t question it. And this one about “being cheerful” is pervasive.

So… I decided to go against the grain. One of the most wide-spread ideas is “do not be in the auto-mode.” However, if you consciously decide to enter auto-mode, that becomes… RELAXATION. And this is, in a nutshell, how you truly want to live your life.

My acronym for this one is AA. Activate Auto-mode.

 

Fifth week:

Intention: There is always something to complain… (to Inferior Ego)

Insight:

 

Shit, I got tired… Hahaha… Gonna finish that later. But this is a great exercise. 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

On this journal entry, I am going to write about three other intentions that I have done recently. Just to recap, I put on a wristband and everytime I catch my eyes looking at it, I tell myself the intention. This is great because it helps you embody the insights, as opposed to only knowing them.

 

Nothing special is supposed to happen

 

> Reality is perfect as it is, and there should not be any need for more stimulation.

> This goes full-circle. When you truly accept the boredom, a lot of “special” things start to happen.

> Right expectation. If you go on living your life expecting that something grandiose has got to happen, then I am afraid you will fall on your ass pretty quickly. True happiness and fulfillment comes from Mastery, which is not only long-term but life-long, and not some instantenous.

 

The ego has always something to complain about

 

> Actually, this is a strategy to justify my own misery. When I simply become cognizant that there is this program (more like a virus, actually) running inside of me, it starts to dissolve. 

> Tai Chi helps with this one because I am learning how to manage my energy intelligently as opposed to wasting it with thinking about all the wrong things about myself, other people, and my surrounding.

> When I allow my Little Ego to complain as much as it wants, haha, full-circle once again: it stops complaining. And I find that it really is all stored in the body. The Little Ego is in your body somewhere. And maybe you should just release it by relaxing your body a bit more.

 

Burn Neurons

 

> I am in a Hakuna Matata phase. I am building my foundation to progress in life. In a way, I feel like I am recovering from all the shit that happened to me, especially school. So, the thing is: burn neurons as an conscious choice is actually called relaxation. And, yes, it can be watching porn, Netflix marathons, ice cream binging. If that’s what you are up to. I feel like sometimes we cut the process of Nature. Maybe we have to go through shit so we figure out how to live life better in the future. Maybe we have to go through that phase to outgrow it, otherwise we abort the cycle.

 

> It is actually pretty fun to do this. You know, when I write burn neurons, I also mean that you can waste them. And if you find yourself wasting them, at least be creative in process. For example, if you want to binge watch "Freaks & Geeks", go ahead and do it. But… do not lose your dignity in the process. This means, prepare the goddamn thing. Don’t just throw yourself in the couch. Give yourself some challenges. Watch an episode with your eyes closed. Watch one walking on your living room. IDK! You figure this shit out. Haha. Or simply allow yourself to enjoy the goddamn thing. 

 

> I noticed that I started following my true desires, when I allowed myself to waste neurons. Ever since we are very little, we were forced to do shit. And this in the long-run is terrible. I am trying to get into this state of Effortless Power, and I feel it is totally required that I move into the direction of positive motivation -- not neurotic one.

 

 

......Why do I put so much energy into things?.........

[Gabriel Antonio]

Remember to Have Fun!

 

Enjoy yourself! Even if you are screwing things up, at least enjoy the minimal moments of gratification. In Buddhist psychology, they speak of three types of personality. The two most common ones are either attachment-based, or aversion-based. Sometimes I get so aversed to the world that I end up not wanting even the good shit. It’s really fucked up, and I will not go into detail here cause it really is a rabbit hole.

For a long time I thought I should enter a state that is somehow different from the one I am having in the moment, but Nature is not dumb. It is not making you live the situation you are living for a stupid reason. Yea, deep down, there is no meaning. And this is not a bad thing. Quite the contrary. We, then, can fabricate our own meaning. For more, watch Leo’s video on purpose. (Leo is at his finest on that vid!)

But anyway, I was reflecting back on my life, and maybe my greatest problem is that I never allowed myself to relax completely. I have developed this neurotic and destructive belief of an ever-unsatisfying experience of the present. So basically no matter what I am doing my mind is always putting myself under a miscroscope.

But… I have found that I want to live in a playful way. Yea, I get it. This whole thing is fucking joke and has no meaning to it. So, instead of getting pissed at the meaninglessness of life, why not have fun in the process? We are all gonna die anyways… Not to say that you should seek danger. Nope… it’s just that… maybe you should quit self-improvement. Cause it never fucking ends. Don’t know if you have noticed that.

So when I embody self-acceptance and a sincere appreciation for being alive, wow, it feels like my body instaneously starts feeling good, as if the Body actually wants to serve me. And if I always act like an ungrateful and highly-critical bastard, it will respond accordingly.

And on the other hand, if I fuck things up, but I enjoy myself in the process, it feels like magic happens. Because it feels like I get excused from the consequence, when I simply allow myself to not care.

 

Dunno if this text makes any sense. Not in the mood for reading it or editing it. This ain’t college, thank god And plus, I have decided that I want to fully embody a new lifestyle.

 

>> 1-take only << 

 

This means: no editing. Train myself to be good in one shot. Live. No rehearsals.

 

But going back to the topic, I find that I get tons of energy when I am enjoying myself unconditionally. SURE, I don’t mean basic needs. But even then, I still believe it is possible. Holy shit, I am writing this coming from almost 0 experience in this. Because as I mentioned my mind is always looking for the bad thing.

 

But, aw, life goes on.

 

All the lies are being melted.

One by one.

Drop by drop.

No need to hurry.

Cause Nature is in action Here.

[Stupid poem written by stupid me. yea, I been doing good with the self-love] 

[Gabriel Antonio]

The 1-Take Lifestyle

 

So, here is the thing: life cannot be lived if you are thinking you are in a rehearsal. And the best way to train that spontaneity is through what I call the 1-take lifestyle. You do not think too deeply to do anything, you simply do it. Imagine you are in a real play. So you are there in front of many people, and they are all staring at you. Do you really think there would be enough time to think about every single thing you say? NO! The gift is exactly in the capacity to relax into the moment and do it.

I got this idea from Ralph Smart. He always braggs about the fact that he shots his video in one take only with no script. Haha. I like this philosophy of his. In his older videos, he used to edit A LOT; he’d go through hours and hours on the editing room in the search of the “perfect” version. But then, he realized later on about radical action.

He also mentions about school. Have you ever noticed that the brightest kids do not make a lot of effort? That they do not study as hard as most people? The real good ones. I had a friend who did not take any notes whatsoever and was the top in the class.

There is also a quote that he always mentions, which I really like: “You cannot get into the effortless state by making more effort.” Most of us here are pretty neurotic, I can definitely guarantee that. Most of us still think that brute force is the way to go. But it is not. The way to go is through softness, but firmness. It is as if your whole body is relaxed, but there is a tonality to it. Like the bamboo.

 

Basically you want to become a bamboo, so there is absolutely nothing inside of you. Then, you can become a superconductor of Divinity.

 

Now… coming back to the 1-take lifestyle. It is the same thing. What I am saying here is not for you to go on living a crazy, hyperactive life. NO! Minimalism is also needed. But what I am trying to say is: There is no time to think. When you are thinking, you cut the flow. If you wanna sit down and just think about some shit, that’s fine. But if you keep thinking while you’re doing everything in your life, then… I can almost guarantee that you are misusing your energy.

 

STATE OF FLOW

REMOVE FILTERS

ZEN BODY BEING

 

So, next time you are talking to someone, talk for real. Or for example, when you are practicing meditation, do not overstress for how bad you are, instead keep the flow going. Improvise… Got it? Instead of wishing the world met your unrealistic expectations of perfection. There is no perfection. And, as Ralph Smart says, the paradox of the perfectionist is that they want things to be so perfect that they end up not doing shit.

 

Quote

Freedom means the freedom to make mistakes.

- Alan Watts

[Gabriel Antonio]

Hey, felt like writing some random thoughts:

 

- On Becoming a List-Maker

 

I love how Jack Kornfield said that the Buddha was a list-maker: the Eightfold Path, the Four Noble Truths, Twelve Principles of Forgiveness etc. And I have been doing 20-item lists (I force myself to think 20 things), and this practice is very liberating.

First, it is great to take things out of my head. Second, it boosts my creativity because then I see how much I got inside of me.

 

- 2018: Softness

 

I had defined my intention for this year as “playful root” so that I stay connected to my roots while being playful. Yea, that’s nice. But I also like this other one. Softness. In the body, mind, and heart. I feel like I am slowly conquering my hyperactivity and euphoria. For example, today I was thinking of doing 3 things (yoga, ayahuasca, and a concert). Dude, if it were 7 months ago, I would have done the 3 no matter what. But thankfully I think I have learned my lesson: minimalism is the way! So, I only went to the concert, which was amazing btw. He is a beast.

 

 

 

- My Only “Real” Self-Development Progress: 10% more self-acceptance

 

I had a ego backlash this beginning of the year. Gained some weight, got overstimulated various times, and been half-assing at work. I had a HUGE growth last year, so this backlash is a good contrast. And one thing that I have noticed is that there is like 10% more self-acceptance, which is a true blessing and so useful. When I am hating on myself or the situation I am in, I remember to apply some self-acceptance to the situation. So I use a lot of spiritual truths that are in the feminine part of the spectrum:

 

> It’s okay. You are doing good enough.

> Relax the body

> You are dismissed of any charge. You are innocent!

> You are Everything

> Relax. Nothing is in control here.

> From the mud comes the lotus.

> You do not have to do anything. 

> Do not use force. You are enough as you are. 

I have found that I work better with feminine spiritual principles. I am grateful that I have weaned myself off the neurotic seeking I used to have.

 

As Matt Kahn puts it, “Because the doorway of Enlightenment does not open for beings who are going on with their spiritual path with ferocity and hyperactivity. The doorway of Enlightenment and Supreme Liberation opens within a being who demonstrates relaxation.” Or, as I like to put it, softness. You do not need much effort nor hard work. It’s like 20% of effort.

 

> I feel like it is possible to learn things with zero theory. Just gotta imitate long enough, do not get attached to results, and become curious about the thing you wanna learn. Genuinely curious. Then, like magic, you learn the thing. I want to write a book about this method of mine. Got to fully embody it first. 

 

Well, think that's enough. 

 

> I am going to Vipassana in two weeks. Would never expect that Haha. Cool! Let's get immersed in meditation. My only concern is getting too much physical pain during meditation. So I wanna be able to sit nicely, effortlessly upright for hours and hours (like 10). After all, physical pain is not a sign of growth, but of exhaustion. 

 

What if, in reality, you treat yourself like Cartman treats people? 

[Gabriel Antonio]

My Personal Development Journey - How It Has Been Like

 

I got into self-improvement in 2008 at the age of 12. I went to some lectures of a numerologist guy. I also started taking NLP private sessions because of social awkwardness.

And throughout my teenage years I searched and searched. Always trying to implement what I learned, but thinking back today I think 80% of my effort to improve myself only caused suffering. Most of the things I “corrected” in myself came back years after. Weight, social anxiety, discipline. They would get better for a while, but homeostasis would inevitably push them back to where they were originally were. 

But this year, IDK, I might be into something with Tai Chi. This idea of zero resistance in the body is so important to me. It ain’t about getting rigid, but softening into the body. No need to rush. No need for results.

And instead of forcing yourself, take a pause. I think it is very weird to see people like Tony Robbins who pushes people too much. I was checking a video of him, and the other guy was doing pushups or something like that. He was clearly tired, but Tony kept saying: "COME ON! COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT MAN!" So instead of the encouraging the guy to take a break, he encouraged him to force himself. 

In general, my behaviors continue to be more or less the same. But I am less judgmental. I am not beating myself so much. Instead of forcing a “correct” posture, for example, I focus on working with what I have. I think the greatest mistake we make is trying to get rid of pain. Emotional, mental, physical, any type of pain. Sure, we do not want to self-torture ourselves by exposing ourselves to high levels of discomfort. This is not needed. It can be useful for contrast though. 

But what I am talking about is recognizing the perfection of the present. We hold very little power, if any. Maybe one thing we have free will on is in our INTENTIONS. And the rest, as strange as it may seem, is all governed by nature.

 

 

My Experience with Ayahuasca

The first trips were extremely intense. I got in contact with True Love, my inner child (I could talk clearly to it), and sometimes I would see very scary things. I also had very clear moments of awakening in the Timeless. It was so amazing. But it was too intense. 

This whole psychedelic journey of mine was way more intense that it probably should have been. But it didn't cause much damage being so hyperactive. But it certainly is counterproductive. 

Right now, I haven't tripped for more than a month. It's very good to have this contrast. 

I might write some more later. I feel good today.  

Edited February 5, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[Gabriel Antonio]

20 Affirmations Alligned with Divine Feminine

 

1- Things autocorrect.

2- Stop being a micro-managing boss.

3- Things happen by themselves.

4- You do not have to throw anything away.

5- Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best that you can.

6- All emotions are valid.

7- Include, include, and include.

8- No matter what you are doing, you are doing it correctly.

9- You Are Already Good Enough

10- Laziness does not exist. If you are alive, you are always doing something.

11- Nothing really special has to happen.

12- Allow yourself to get immersed in your story-line.

13- Relaxation is the only authority.

14- Allow nature to take care of you.

15- Treat yourself as if you were a 5-year-old in pain.

16- You don’t have to like your experience.

17- Express yourself more, not less.

18- Soft is the new strong!

19- There are no rules. You are free to play.

20- No need to force anything.

 

The Divine Feminine seems too soft to be true. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

I would be lying if I said that I have amazing habits. Nah, I have realized that I wasn’t able to keep up with any of my “habits”. I mean, some of them became pleasant actually, so I don’t count them. For example, cold showers (winter) and hot showers (summer). But I have got acclimated to the coldness or hotness. I have seen that all it takes is deep breathing, and BAM! You got superpowers right there.

 

The thing is, I have backslided even though too me the worst that could happen would be to keep forcing myself. You force, and force, and force. But, as that quote said, do not overtrain a willing horse. The power is in doing everyday so that you build momentum. That beautiful small dosage, drop by drop. And then it will eventually bloom. You might put too much practice in it, and just like putting too much water on the plant, you KILL it by doing too much.

 

I wrote down 20 ideas for habits and I will experiment with them today. They are all relatively easy (my favorite so far is to practice drawing straight lines throughout a piece of paper: front and back with the right hand, and one time with the left hand). It seems like a very easy practice, but in reality it is sorta like a meditation practice. The moment I realized that meditation ain’t about maintaining the perfect pose, the perfect state of mind, the perfect stillness… NAH! That’s bullshit. Meditation is in the here and now. And drawing straight lines (or at least attempting to do so) has a huge therapeautical effect. If you think too much, the line will not be straight. When you achieve that beautiful state of Flow, everything you do is pure gold. 

 

But, anyway, I will experiment with some other shit. Then, by the end of the day, I will write on a piece of paper the habit until the Vipassana retreat (GODDAMN). There is no time actually haha. It's on the 21st. this month. So, like 10 days from now. Speaking of this retreat, I am very curious to see if I will accept it or deny it. It will be awesome as an immersion technique. So that will lit the fire eventually.

 

Hmm… I thought some days ago that all I wanted to do was to release built-up energy. Too me, it all boils down to the body. And one thing I have realized as one of my main pitfalls is: excess use of energy and effort. Also known as: NEUROSIS.

 

But the thing about neurosis is that you don’t fix it with more neurosis. Sometimes we are forced to take a break, but this is not always necessary. Sometimes all you gotta do is slow the pace down. And you will be fine. It’s like a martial art fight: if you throw all your energy at once, you will drain it all by round 2. But if you manage to save energy strategically, you will become more resistant. It’s like what George Leonard wrote in the book “Mastery”: if there is one thing humans would be better than most other animals is: long-distance running. 

 

Animals are very stupid. Have you seen what a dog does when he’s like really hungry? He eats very very quickly. Some humans do that as well. Similarly, an animal would use all its strength at once in a running competition. If you are soft in your body, you will have tons of energy. Ideally you should use the same amount of effort that an elderly does or a child.

 

The fundamental thing is that: if you apply the principle of Softness to every area of your life, everything will be transformed. Because softness is a lifestyle. Softness means using the minimum amount of effort to execute something.

 

So, my point is: even thou I am engaging in unhealthy behaviors (all that shit: eating, fapping, isolation), something deep down is changing in me. Because in the midst of all my experiences there is an absence of judgement. Criticism is stored in the body in case you have forgotten. So, as you can feel, meditation is an on-going practice. You realize that words do not matter. That all it matters is the relaxing of your shoulders. 

 

Dissolving…

Dissolving…

Dissolving…

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Today I woke up in a very good mood. I smoked some cannabis, and I set the intention for the day of: “Why do I feel so unhappy?” And, well, the answer came. It all boils down to life purpose. If you are not aligned with your purpose, you will feel unhappy and with no energy. There would be no reason to be energetic.

One of the most underrated videos of Leo IMO is the one called “How to Get More Energy.” It has like 8 minutes, and that episode is very simple but so true. If you ain’t got a higher purpose for why you are here on Earth, you will get depressed and your energy will be all over the place.

 

Today, it also became clear how important doing theater has been to me. I watched a documentary on Netflix about the movie Man on the Moon, and it blew my mind how Jim Carrey embodied the character. And it clicked on me today: if Jim didn’t have acting or comedy, he’d likely be in a hospice. But… he channels his craziness into something that people love.

So, the thing is, channeling your energy will bring peace of mind. If you don’t channel your energy (I think this is called Sublimation in psychology), you will feel odd. You will not feel fulfilled. And, in my case, the thing that gives me the most pleasure is probably acting. It was so good to do that. A very transformative experience, and now I am embodying what I have learned into my daily life. This is a freaking play. So might as well enjoy it and do it well.

 

Anyway, I felt a lot of energy today. So much that it almost scared me. Because usually when I get a lot of energy, I usually waste it all on stupid things. But… I don’t know, today seemed different. The energy that I got from being more authentic in my work and my conversations with people made me realize that, when I am not aligned with my purpose, I am suffering. That’s the thing about the mind: it needs something to do.

 

On the other hand, there is also the “Being” component. Yes, it feels great to be in your purpose (in my case is doing plays for children). At the same time, everything is in divine order already. So in a way, it is a matter of relaxing into the present. I have found, however, that it is much easier to absorb myself in the present moment, when I feel that I used my energy into my Purpose. When at the end of the day, I can say: “Wow… I took a step closer to the right direction…”

 

         |--------------------------------|----------------------------------|
Life Purpose                                                                Being

 

If I fall too much on the “being” side of the spectrum, I often get too lazy. And I fall into low consciousness behaviors. Always going for the bait. The quick-fix. The immediate pleasure. But, when I sense in my body that what I am doing has a higher purpose, man, everything gets reorganized and rearranged. There is no anger for taking so long to find the purpose; but only an appreciation and gratitude for finding it.

 

Anyway, trying not to get over-excited because of this insight of my purpose. I am tired of swinging too much from euphoria to depression. Roller coasters are kinda fun, but now I am more into something more grounded. And to develop my roots, it requires TIME. And in our shitty society, ppl are too impatient with us ever since we got out of the womb. Parents worry about their children development, but, as someone put it, I have never seen a grown-up that still uses diaper. We eventually outgrow shit.

 

Okay, that’s probably enough. I am so fucking grateful for this insight today. It put a lot of things into perspective. Holy shit…

 

Let’s see how the upcoming days go.

 

Vipassana retreat is in 9 fucking days!!! I hope I go to it. But I gotta admit that there is a pretty high chance that I will come up with some idiot excuse as to why I won’t go, and I might end up cancel it. We’ll see…

And just to finish everything off, I have found that when I am taking whatever steps towards my LP, addictions automatically are dropped. 

 

How To Cure Addictions - By Kung Fu Panda

Unfortunately the stupid person who uploaded cut the best part of this scene at the end. The Panda does not eat the dumpling. Instead, he says: 

"I am not hungry, Master."

 

Keep on Keeping On 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Life Purpose & Stopping to Get Rid of Pain 

So I got this huge intutive hit yesterday about turning my whole Life Purpose to something related to Theater. I got really excited, and I know that this excitement will pass. As George Leonard says, true growth occurs with short spurs of progress and long periods that you feel you’re going nowhere. I freaking love the feeling that I have had for the past two days, but I know how much I can suffer if I get attached to them. But, hell, I am happy that something changed.

I had been focusing on Tai Chi Chuan very heavily this past month to develop the effortless power. And now my new fetiche is for theater ahah. I am scared that I might get overly-excited and screw things up. Cause when I do something too much, I get aversed to it even though I love it. Happened to me with meditation, with yoga, with singing, with weighlifting. I love those things. They take me out of my “boring” world, especially yoga. So, for this reason, I sometimes I overdo those things as a way to escape my reality.

But deep down I feel like if I am meant to be to exaggerate with theater, so be it. And then, a different thing will appear. Nothing wrong with that. Just wanna make sure that I don’t get too euphoric, cause I know that it leads to depression later on.

 

But, anyway, the thing I want to talk about today is another insight I had about a week ago. I had heard it before, but now I fully understood it through direct experience. To put simply, do not try to get rid of pain; relax into it instead. So the thing is, avoiding pain generates more pain. You can certainly do things that will alleviate it, but you should never approach pain with the attitude of “getting rid” of it. If it is there, it’s to teach you something. And this fight against pain will never end because pain is part of life.

Thich Nhat Hahn talks a lot about that. He says that western medicine, for example, is very surgery-oriented. Any problem is an excuse to make a surgery. Always trying to fix. The same thing has happened in psychotherapy. The therapist tries to remove the problems of the person. But that doesn’t work. Instead, he says, we should learn the art of transformation. Lotus flower, anyone?

A year ago I was taking a very hardcore, masculine, and neurotic approach to pain. I would challenge it. I’d feel an ache in my chest (like I usually do), I’d tell it, “Go ahead, Pain! Show me what you got!” A lot of people here on the Actualized.org community does that in Strong Determination Sittings. But that doesn’t work. We should treat our bodies with a lot of patient and softness. Otherwise it will not respond well, but rebel against you sooner or later.

 

Being aligned with my purpose makes pain management go way down my priority list. When nothing is going on in my life, any emotional or physical pain is very alarming. But when I am having a blast and I can hold a firm and detailed VISION of what my future will look like 10 years down the line, the pain of today doesn’t even come to mind.

At the same time, I know that sometimes my body forces me to rest the fuck down due to overtraining. But I want to find my true passion, the thing that I don’t even care if I overpractice. I might fall on my ass, but when I am ready, I will get back to it. Is that theater? IDK. But definitely something related to Art. 

So, anyway, been trying to get my values straight this year. This will help me guide my self. Ourselves… Our cells… We are our cells. We are ourselves.

And, finally, I feel like true healing starts happening when you stop trying to get rid of pain, but when you genuinely are interested in understanding the pain.

I thought of something else to write, but I am experimenting with writing less.

 

Yay! 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Life Purpose is More Important Than Enlightenment

I used to pursue enlightenment when I still didn’t have a clue what to do with my life. I still don’t, but I feel like I am way closer to what I authentically desire.

Life purpose will make you very productive, happy, and fulfilled. I love people who are feeling good in their bodies and mind, and I find that to be common among people who believe they are positively contributing to the world.

Anyway, enlightenment work is very advanced shit. Yea, you can do it whenever you want, but I feel like there are better moments in life. Gotta use the intuition to know if the time is right.

Speaking of intuition, I am considering not going to the Vipassana. I don’t feel the need to prove myself, and I really don’t know if stillness of the body is what I need at the moment. Actually, I think I need the contrary. Use my body a lot and then release all my energy, channeling into something I believe.

I went to a concert some weeks ago, and the guy is totally on his purpose. It really inspired me. I went: “Holy shit! Now that’s something I want to do in my life! Something like THIS!”

 

Oh… another thing that clicked on me is regarding comparison. I should only compare myself to my older-selves, because I am in a neverending process of evolution, whether I am aware of it or not.

 

I am very surprised by how I am feeling these past days. It felt like I am alive for the first time in a long time. I know this feeling will pass. After the ecstasy, the laundry, right? But it is very satifying to experience those breakthroughs. Sure, most of the path is very dry, but when you hit the knee of the curve, it feels fucking amazing! I want pass the ecstasy and go directly to real inner peace, and the only way to develop true peace is through... equanimity. 

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

FEELING SO GOOD LATELY THAT IS IS CAUSING SELF-DOUBT

 

I have been feeling very much in the flow of life these past days. And the type of pleasure I have been feeling is not the one that is temporary; it is lasting. It is the pleasure of a river that flow freely. This is something natural to being an animal, but we as a species have been forgetting more and more our true nature, which is pure.

My mind is very suspicious about everything. It lacks trust, probably due to feelings of rejection and abandonment in childhood. All of these have accumulated through time, and now you got me: a guy who doesn’t feel good in his body, who is constantly worrying or criticizing himself, and highly indecisive.

What I found that helps me the most is body work. But like, I am not talking about doing it to merely look good. If it feels good, it will look good. When I understood that every physical activity should feel pleasant, I realized how much out of touch I have been with my body. It’s not that I need to focus on the muscles, and be super-mindful. Nah, it is about having fun. If you are having fun, you are probably on the right track.

 

I keep writing “you”, but I am talking here with my own subconscious mind.

 

THE POWER OF VISION

 

So, the past days I am feeling “high” almost all the time. You know, ecstasy showers throughout my experience and feels like I am in Heaven. And I had the insight that I have only felt this way when I was aligned with my purpose. In some way. When I had a clear feeling of, “Oh! I am into something here!” Something bigger than my petty little problems, uncomfortable feelings or sensations. Something that put all that shit on its place. Something that puts everything in perspective. You go, “Fuck the present moment! If I am feeling shitty today, I don’t fucking care. I am here for the long run! I am building an inner castle, and it all starts with building a foundation!” Sure it’s going to be emotionally challenging, but if that VISION is crystal-clear in my mind, and I do have to reaffirm it every single day, without exception. Otherwise, I will get extremely sloppy and will set the expectations for my life to very, very low standards. And low standards create suffering.

 

AWESOME BOOK

 

I am still digesting the book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” by Mark Manson. The really juicy insights are in the first half of the book. Seriously, you can throw the second half away, and the book would be even better, because it’d have been more concise. Haha, I am not being concise here. Shame on me!

One thing I really like what he wrote on that book is about the fact that we’re always suffering, whether we want it or not. So he suggests us pick what you want to suffer for. What are you willing to suffer? And I don’t think he meant in a self-torturing way haha. Nah, in a way, that actually you know that it is going to double the pleasure to you.

 

LP IS THE MOST FOUNDATIONAL ELEMENT OF SD

 

I have just realized that: if you do not have priorities, you will suffer unnecessarily. You will put on your attention to all sorts of stupid shit, so there will be no focus. And without focus, progress is very slow.

Sometimes I watch self-development videos with an attitude of, “Oh, shit! Do I do what he’s criticizing?” That is, I always defend myself too much. And that is a lack of priorities. It is so simple: we have so much energy. It is more than enough, by the way. So we got to focus that energy on frying the big fish. Isn’t that obvious? But I think most of us do not take the time to ponder and really write down and reevaluate what are the priorities in your life, right now.

 

I also love that LP is so alive! It’s always changing. And this makes it so much fun! It is always a work-in-progress. We design our lives. Is there anything more fun that?

[Gabriel Antonio]

The Vipassana will be in 3 days! I am kinda worried of my body going crazy there. I am also not sure if I will stick with their technique. I know should, and I will certainly give it a good try, but I have no problem in doing nothing, just seeing time pass by. I feel it is going to be a crazy experience, and I am not sure when will I be able to quiet my mind.

A lot of questions are popping in my head. What if my back starts hurting too much? What if… Well, I think I will be fine. I have gone through a lot of shit, and this is yet another experience. One more data point. One more tool.

I feel as if I am going to live in a different country with a different language. And then, totally immerse myself in that and hope something clicks…

If any of you have any tips, please post here or PM me.

 

So, today, I kinda felt a backlash, which is totally normal. Self-doubting and some pain in my body. I saw a weird movie: The Water Shape.  

[Gabriel Antonio]

2-21-2018

I think I have really changed since i started this journal. Back in the beginning, I was heavily focusing on "God". But now it seems to me that it's all a matter of relaxing into the present moment, which is perfect the way it is. You don't have to force yourself to "be present". You are already present, whether you want it or not. 

Well, anyway, I decided not to go to the Vipassana. My main justification was: I got too much accumulated tension in my body, which would make 10 hours of sitting self-torture. I am building momentum in my life, also, with work and everything. There would be no problem in having this stop, but I feel I am into something with my work, about to reach a breakthrough. And the final reason is that I think I have worked so goddamn hard on meditation, yoga, and all that shit that I got aversed to it. And it'll probably take me years to detraumatize myself. I actually feel extremely unpresent when I am meditating. 

One thing that came to me today was the importance of just relaxing into myself. That is, not trying to become something different than who I already am. I don't know how to be more clear with that. Instead of going your way to become a perfect version of you (which will only make you miserable), I much rather enter a state of complete acceptance. If someone wants to join me, great! If not, that's ok. But I don't "need" someone. And I love this feeling of self-ownership. Good-bye, victimhood

I have noticed how much I sometimes argue with my own tension. It's kinda weird to explain what happens. But basically when I am talking, sometimes a resistance pops. And then, I feel like I talk with the resistance. IDK how to explain, sorry. 

I'm probably gonna see my little brother this weekend, which must be pretty fun! There is also this birthday party, which I feel this intuitive urge to show up and see what happens. I feel like I am opening myself from the inside out in a way that's much deeper that I have ever experienced, so it'll be nice to join a social event and see how it feels. 

 

>> The Path of Least Resistance << 

[ Bodily resistance ] 

 

Edit: I came to the journal to write about the following, but can you believe that I forgot? It's just like when I am going to send a text message to specific friend and then suddenly I found myself having lost 5 hours on 9gag 

Anyway, I have noticed in myself (especially in some psychdelic trips) that the way to have a better posture is not through forcing myself to have one, but it is more like moving your body in sorta monkey way. For example, the way Leo was holding himself in the enlightenment vid. Notice, he was constantly changing his posture, and it was very organic. Not stiff. Not trying to be perfect. So, I want to allow myself to have more "sloppy" positions, and not freak out that "I will lose my energy if I do that". Bullshit! 

So... monkey-like posture it is! 

Edited February 21, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[Gabriel Antonio]

On Not Forcing 

I think a lot of us in the self-help community has a terrible habit of always doing things through brute force will power. While this can work for a while, it is a very poor type of motivation. It is that same old thing: We got to enjoy the path more than the result itself. To me, this is yet a definition of play. To not force means you are receptable to playing. If we are always dead serious and we only use neurotic motivations to make ourselves do something, well, this is sure gonna backfire sooner or later! 

Not forcing means that you do not force yourself to say something in a social setting. Oftentimes I give in to my anxiety and I start speaking way too much, but if I only had the patience to wait for things to happen... that would have been much more organic. And, nowadays, being organic is super-important. People have become too smart to fall into some traps. We do not like plastic-like leaders; we like authentic ones. 

I am following the premise of using the minimum amount of effort to do anything. My goal is not to become special, but to be a vehicle of the Divine. And I have found through Reiki, yoga, and Tai Chi that the more of a bamboo you are; the lighter you will feel, the more magnetic you will become, and the more effortlessly fun life will feel like! Not to mention you will make TONS of progress. Children learn quickly because they are very flexible. Their minds can bend very easily. Why? Because they live in a state of non-resistance. 

Examples of things people force themselves to do: 

- Fake smiling

- Trying to be positive 

- Exercising, despite not wanting 

- Meditation 

- Studying 

- Working 

- Socializing (big one for us introverts) 

- Being nice 

- Catch up with other people's rhythm 

- Cold showers (for self-help junkies) 

- Not faping

- Waking up early 

 

 

I am not saying will power is not important; but you will not go very far just with it. I have found that having high quality friendships (preferably both should be self-actualizing), I feel it is much smoother to do "boring" and "unpleasant" things. 

And from these examples above, I think we can see how poor quality results we get. For example, I used to force myself to meditate daily for hours. I summoned massive will-power everyday. This practice didn't turn out well. My sitting were terrible since I didn't want to be there. And now I cannot think about meditation without frowning my eyebrows haha. 

So I feel like it is a good practice, if you have the opportunity to do so, to set aside one month to do absolutely nothing, and see what happens. This is for you to get in touch with your authentic motivations, that is, the things you genuinely like to do. Chances are, a lot of "bad" habits will reappear. Remember, this is a counter-intuitive move we are making. This backlash that you will likely experience, if you decide to try this challenge, is similarly to a destruction. You are destroying all your neurotic motivations. You might gain weight, judge yourself as being a "lazy-ass" person, might get depressed... 

But... if you stay with this strategy, I have found that after some months and with a lot of compassion, tolerance, and acceptance towards yourself; things that make you feel "high-consciousness" start to appear. You might want to join your local yoga studio, or work with programming (which you haven't done in years), or might talk with a friend who you haven't talked in ages! Remember: Love is brighter in the dark. 

So, to wrap up, you can also baby step your way through more authentic motivations. Leo mentioned this in the A Rant Against Morality video. For example, if you think you should put the toilet seat back up, you consciously don't do it. So small things. God, I love that video! It's been a while since I haven't watched it! Gonna check it out later! 

So... that's my main thought of the week haha Not forcing... I obviously still force myself to do shit, but I am getting better =) 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

The Cyclical Nature of Life

 

I keep forgetting about this. The moments where I truly felt integrated were the ones that I had this deep existential relief from accepting life as it is. But I don’t know, it feels like the rules are always changing, but at the same time I understand that everything is repeating itself in different way, with different remixes.

To me, high school felt like repetition of middle school. Similarly, from 7-21, at least, I have felt that it is like a different version of my first 7 years. I feel like 7 years are like a lifetime.

 

Getting in Touch With Anger

 

I have noticed that what I call depression is actually rage in disguise. It’s like I feel like there’s this part of me that desesperately wants to scream at the world, not realizing that it is actually screaming to itself. Yea, so all anger boils down to self-hatred.

I really don’t know where I was taking this text to… But anyway, I have been trying to speak rationally with my anger, because it is a fucking wild horse. HAha. Yea, I know… it is like a 5-year-old in pain. And I know that I shouldn’t try to get rid of anger, but to transform it into something more wholesome. Maybe I feel angry because I still don’t feel totally aligned to my true passions and talents.

 

Again: Why Purpose is Essential 

 

If, however, I am able to align myself at least internally in terms of my values, priorities, and my purpose in the next 6-12 months; that would go a long way! As Leo put it in his LPC ad, you can start feeling good right now about your purpose.

Purpose is so freaking important because it sets the direction we want; not the direction randomness gives us. It feels really empowering. To hold this vision that is so STRONG that the apocalypse could be happening, and you are still anchored.

When I am disconnected from my true call, I feel depressed, maladjusted, weird in my body. When I am on my purpose, everything makes sense and my VISION breaks through all the bullshit of the present moment -- that is, stupid people, stupid thoughts, and stupid emotions.

 

Etymology of Stupidity

 

The root word stupid, which can serve as an adjective or noun, comes from the Latin verb stupere, for being numb or astonished, and is related to stupor.

Stupor (from Latin stupere, "be stunned or amazed") is the lack of critical mental function and a level of consciousness wherein a sufferer is almost entirely unresponsive and only responds to base stimuli such as pain.

As leo said in the no bullshit guide to meditation, we act in a much more stimuli-response way that we typically like to think we do. 

 

Party

 

I went to this party which turned out to be pretty nice. It totally became clear how important it is to let myself go. Haha…

 

> Your social skills are co-related to your capacity to let yourself go. >

 

It was a very new-agy party, which was great for me. There were some amazing people there, and I almost fell into the trap of comparing myself to them.

Before I went there, I told myself, “Well, I am sure I will learn something there… at least ONE thing…” And when I got there, I realized how everything is actually ONE. Nah, just kidding

So, there was this instrument of percussion I wasn’t able to pull off a good sound. Then, a really chill guy at the party told me: “Your hands should be soft.” And then he showed me the movement of his hand, and I said, “Oh, so I have to develop my munheca.”

 

Munheca means wrist in Portuguese.

 

Not Giving a Fuck 

 

So I go this insight that to play well any instrument you have to build momentum, because when the body is REALLY relaxed; it feels like it is not you who is playing. There must be no tension. And tension is something interesting because you cannot get rid of tension by making more tension. Instead, what works is not giving a fuck.

Children don’t give a fuck. Animals don’t give a fuck. And they all have perfect posture. So I have found that you cannot think too much. If you do it, you will fail. At the same time, I want to make sure I avoid the most common traps and errors in posture and so on.

But, you see, I try SO HARD to be pain-free that this goes full-circle and I end up getting into a state of deep pain. Fuck me, right? HAhaha…

 

I try to be so healthy that I become unhealthy.

I try to clean up my addictions so much that I become a worse addict.

I try to be so pure that I end up becoming dirty.

 

And so on

 

Allowing yourself to do shit, make mistakes, be imperfect >> The Key to Tracking Your Progress Well

 

Tying back to the cyclical nature of life, I have just realized how important it is to allow yourself to be raw. That is, allow yourself to act in your most natural self.

I often try to perfect myself and perfect the things I do, but this is not good. It is just like an overweight person that avoids stepping into the scale. So the person thinks, “So, I am going to spend 2-days without eating and run a lot; THEN, I will see how much I am weighting” Why would do that? It makes no sense.

If the person is going to start a diet, it is actually a good thing to measure the situation in its worse conditions, so that you can track your progress. Ta-da! Hahaha. That’s why I am giving up on trying to be perfect in the present moment. Instead, I act how I most naturally feel like and trust that the cyclical nature of life will push me back up eventually.

 

It’s a cycle…

It’s a cycle…

It’s a cycle…

 

Quote

“Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you are ahead; sometimes you are behind. The race is long, and at the end it is only with yourself.”

 

I don't wear sunscreen.

[Gabriel Antonio]

I Suck When I Try to Concentrate 

So, I don't know why I wrote each initial letter capitalized, but anyway I have been feeling this a lot. For example, when I try to sing well, I sing terribly because it sounds fake. When I let myself go, it sounds pretty good. But the thing is, I am not allowed to focus on the thing I am doing. Yea, I know it's counter-intuitive. Because, you know what? All the attempts I have done in my life to self-improve have actually backfired sooner or later. My only alternative then is to work with what I have. And try to transmute the yucky aspects of my self into something of greater value. 

Some examples that I suck when I become self-conscious: social skills, sports, meditation, etc. Anything that makes me too aware is bad. For example, when I used to practice following the breath, I would focus so goddamn much on my breath that it actually became highly rigid and incorrect. I find it very hard to become aware of something without manipulating it. 

Hmmm... I think I am describing the Do Nothing technique HAhahaha

 

Being Too Hard On Myself -- Especially In Work

I have also realized today how much I am hard on myself. For example, I have been over-stressing because my English and Port students don't seem to make a lot of progress. I keep thinking, "There must be something wrong with me!" I put such a high expectation, which I will NEVER achieve. And what I have realized is that the path for a great class is through transcending language itself. Sure, I have to make sure people understand what the hell we are talking about, but I have this feeling that even when they don't understand what I am saying, even if they are not paying attention at all; their subconscious mind is active. 

Maybe I should trust that the important information will come up. And really people just want to have a good time. I am not the one doing the teaching. If they really like me, they will naturally WANT to learn English. And, IDK, godly forces will help'em

 

Still Struggling with Values, Priorities, Purpose 

I get the importance of all of these, but I have to admit that I still haven't fully incorporated and programmed into my subconscious mind my true priorities. I kinda have an idea, but it is not rock solid. I am sorta all of over the place. I feel like tripping on a psychedelic so that I could focus on imprinting my priorities into the subconscious. 

 

Theater 

When I did a play, it was so fantastic. I realized how important it is to engage yourself in the story itself. You have to make yourself believe in it. First and foremost, it's up to you. And then, I was watching some footage of me rehearsing, and man! Everything I have been working on so hard -- such as my posture, my voice, my clarity -- were all automatically incorporated to my acting. And the thing is, I couldn't care less about those things. However, just like a child, when you truly don't have an agenda, God's starts to manifest itself automatically. 

 

Being Lazy 

Sometimes I feel like testing my body and mind to see how much cheap entertainment they can take, before a crash. For example, I have eaten a lot of sugar today, and the crazy thing is, I don't feel bad at all. Yea, I know everybody talks down on sugar, but when I experiment first-hand I just don't see so many downsides... I feel like the way we feel is 20% inevitable and 80% we co-create. Well, in a deeper perspective, 100% is inevitableXD 

But anyway, if I'd had a day exactly like today one year ago, I'd have freaked out and rushed into action. But, dude, lemme tell ya: today was so freaking cool. I know that I inevitably have to change my routine to spicy my life up, but it sure feels good to do nothing and feel 0% guilty about it. 

"But what about living your purpose?"

Well, I feel like this is yet another part of my purpose. I haven't figured all the details out, but to put simply, my mission here on Earth is to show people how relaxation and playfulness can auto-correct almost any bad trait, behavior, habit etc. 

 

So, if someone came to me and said: 

Quote

 

"MAN! I am such a BUM! I haven't been doing shit"

 

I can simply reply: 

Quote

 

"You are breathing, aren't you?" >> Instead of giving advice to brute force their way to action. 

 

 

As counter intuitive as this may sound, I have found the desire for change boils naturally. It feels like I am the one doing it, but if I am really honest, it comes from something deeper than myself. 

Plus, not doing shit can be reframed as: "You are in the process of removing inauthentic motivation to positive motivation." So first I have to sweep all the neurotic drives I have, which may cause me to do very little shit, but then I will get in touch my the things I truly care about. It's the same old thing, "we have to destroy to build."

 

Final Random Thoughts

> My purpose has to do with the throat chakra. Not necessarily becoming a voice coach, but certainly opening the voice up effortlessly. 

> If I only I was easier on myself, things would flow better. 

> I am kinda worried about getting sick of PD, spirituality and all that stuff; since I read so goddamn much about it. Well, at least this is all gonna be in my subconscious. 

> I sometimes worry that I am wasting my youth, that I should be going out more, just pure exposure... And going places, knowing that "showing up is enough." I do enjoy life indoors though... 

> I am writing too much here. 

> I feel like I always write about the same shit in different ways. 

> I binged on Leo today hahaha. Saw the meditation post, watched like 2 or 3 vids, and was reading his old forum posts haha. I hope I don't get aversed to Leo. I know I am putting more than I can chew, but another way to see it is: I am just immersing myself and what resonates will stay. 

 

Bottom Line: When I try to be good at something, I suck. When I don't give a shit, I succeed. 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

I don’t have much to say today. So why bother writing? Yea, I don’t know… Maybe because it feels pretty good even though I still block myself a lot when I am writing. If I only understood that all it takes is momentum. Warming up and then, BOOM. God starts writing for you.

Non-doership experiences are very interesting because it truly feels like you are in movie theater. I wish I felt like that more often, because it takes off a huge pressure on my shoulders. In the Salms 91, there’s this part,

Quote

 

“He who inhabits the hidden-place of the Divine,

In the shadow of the omnipotent will rest.”

 

 

Random Thoughts

 

> One thing that came to me today is how quickly we can change. I feel like I have spent way too many years trying to self-improve. Always trying to be more healthy, more spiritual, etc. But did that work? No… quite the opposite, actually. And I have found that when I am in a playful state of mind, I naturally improve. Effortlessly…

> I went jogging today, and it was extremely boring. Halfway into it, I couldn’t wait to get home.

> I thought of doing so many social things that I ended up doing none. Shame on Me ><

> I am still experimenting with: not forcing things vs forcing to build momentum. Sometimes my mind and body just needs a little help to build momentum, but paradoxically that can backfire.

> I can clearly see how all attempts to perfect myself in any area of my life actually backfires. For example, I used to focus so much on running with the most correct technique that I ended up having a terrible technique. Sometimes I feel I am too fragile, and that I need more firmness. That’s all it takes; it feels at times.

> I have realized that to become good at acting first and foremost, you have to believe it yourself. If your inner child, let’s say, is not buying into your acting; neither will other people.

> I have discovered this awesome trick to become more aware of each instrument in a song. It’s simple: You use your mouth. Like a baby. It’s pretty cool. After enough practice (NO EXPECTATIONS on results, please!), it feels like something clicks and you start hearing individual instruments. I suppose that must be pretty obvious to musicians, but to me has been mind-blowing.

> I am finishing reading Iyanla Vanzant’s book, “One Day I Just Opened Up.” It is so powerful! I love her honesty! Today the topic was, “Joy.” And how it is an internal thing and does not depend on external circumstances or people. I love the structure of the book! It really is a self-help book since it feels like I underwent a very powerful and intensive workshop/retreat. I became my own psychotherapist.

> I was feeling nervous for a class I was going to give. And then, I realized, “I will figure it out.” I am always equipped with my intellect in the present moment. And the brain has a terrible rate of predicting what is truly gonna happen. So… the only thing I need to take care of is what is happening right now. Then, when different shit pops in my field, I will be truly present; and there is no better tool than to be totally in the moment.

> I’m gonna buy the book, “Taming Your Gremlin.” This title really resonated with me, and although it is a old book; I think I can benefit from it. Will probably do it with a friend.

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Today I realized how crazy life actually is. Like it doesn't make any sense at all. Logic is a human invention. And the thing is, what is most important is the energy, not the thing itself. Yea, sure the content kinda matters, but it comes naturally when you are focusing on the energy. 

For example, I can be writing a text 100% intuitively. There is a greater force that makes the thing I am writing make sense. And what I have found is that progress is inevitable with enough practice, whatever it is you are doing. It is just a matter of doing it the best that you can with a clear intention. Follow that intention throughout the activity, and you will be fine. This is how you gain back control over your life. 

Today, I am going to a concert that is VERY special to me. She is called Marie Gabriella, and she's an example of someone who is alligned to Life Purpose. You can sense how different she is because she has found what she came here to do. 

I used to judge myself really harshly. Still do, but now it seems like my true passions are becoming so strong that they are outnumbering my misdeads, if you will. When you have something you love deep enough, you will see how your imperfections will be put in their places: fertilizers. Just like a river doesn't care for the rocks in its way, so can I learn to navigate through life, like Water does. 

This is it for now. Here is a song by Marie: 

Gratidão (Gratitude) 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

On Being Hard on Myself

This is a big one for me. Always beating myself up for not being perfect. Always wanting to be so goddamn perfect that I end up not doing shit. Perfect... ._. 

I don't know if I mentioned this in here, but this basic trend of my life -- being hard on me -- has followed me even in my work. I was putting so much pressure on me, as if I was supposed to magically make people speak a foreign language. That's no easy task. To put simply I was getting paranoid about making sure I did miniquizes, that I corrected every single mistake, etc etc But that did not work. 

 

I have realized how cool I actually am. Like... the more effort I try to be nice, the less authentic I become. Not to mention that my battery gets low very quickly after making the effort of being charismatic (whatever that means). Putting a smile on my face and pretending that I am paying attention to a boring-ass conversation are definitely not my life purpose. 

 

More On Life Purpose

My life purpose revolves around complete self-acceptance and inspiring others to do the same. For example, I got a 12-year-old cousin who is kinda shy. And it gives me so much joy to share my journey with him because it feels like I am talking to my old-self. And it is interesting to see how some psychological mechanisms work on different people. He was saying, for example, that he has a hard time keeping a subject, maintaining a conversation etc, and I told him: Dude... there's nothing more boring that keeping a subject! You can do or say whatever you want to me. 

I feel like because I went through so many self-created hells, I am extremely tolerant with other people's behaviors. I don't get offended easily, nor do I recriminate behaviors. Had I been a "perfect" person with a "perfect" childhood and teenage(hood?), I wouldn't have this deeper understanding of human psychology to a point that I don't really judge people... 

 

Old Patterns & New Alternative

Well, apart from that, I have been noticing in myself some old patterns kicking in, especially regarding shyness. Hehe... So, what I have noticed is that some blockages kicks in when I am in specific situations. For instance, when I go to a "party". I don't know why, but there is something about this word that blocks me. 

I used to tackle each fear head-on, but I think there is a better alternative. Conciously put off some thing that are simply not happening (for example, dating), and wait until I am ready to face it without having to brute-force myself so much. I have noticed that when I take the edge off, things start to magically solve by themselves. 

 

Running - Feeling Great, but Fearful... 

I have also been running, and it feels REALLY good. My basic intention is, "accelerate my heart beat". I don't focus on correct technique of running... nothing on that matter, because self-fulling prophecies can happen. "Oh... my knee might hurt if I don't have proper technique" >> BOOM! Knees start hurting. Nah... instead, if I just focus on other things (like visualizing great things in my life), I have this intution that the way I run will naturally become correct effortlessly. 

I did feel some ache in my knee though. Nothing alarming, but I do get scared about it. I think that happens because I have this bad habit of extending my knee too much. But what I have learned in Tai Chi is that the knee should be always lightly bent, and not rigidly straight. 

 

All in All... 

Dunno... but anyway, life feels good lately... Ego backlashes? Sure. Just a week ago, my room looked like a room of a junkie; my greatest desire was to sleep for eternity; and I felt extremely insecure around anybody. But... you know what? The past two days are in the polar opposite. I feel naturally talkative and self-confident; hopeful about my future; and more attune than ever to my Mission here on planet Earth. 

But... some days can pass, and I can find myself in yet another quagmire. 

Up and down... Peak and valley... Sweet and sour... Hot and cold... Blah blah blah... 

 

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