Letting God Work Itself Through Me

[Mango1998]

12 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Leo's recent videos are definitely not for me at the moment. I have a huge tendency for isolation, and seeing him advocate things like, "You can't grow your consciousness by being in a group."

 

You have to find the balance

[Gabriel Antonio]

5-23

I have been going through a fragile phase. I don't feel connected to God, and I think that's mainly because I haven't been going to church. I feel like I am beginning to appreciate simplicity. These days, I haven't been doing much productive. I am keeping up with some habits--socializing, writing here, preparing my language classes--however, I definitely feel this is a low energy phase. At the same time, I do get some spells of energy.

Today I woke up very early and didn't have time to sleep as much as I wanted to. I spent most of the day talking bullshit with random people. My life purpose is to overcome shyness, so talking is a good thing. I do feel something is missing. I miss having those experiences with the divine; of, you know, feeling incredible in my body and mind. Well, I had that yesterday, so I think it is a waste of time to blame myself for not feeling good.

I gave an English class today, and I used a, so to speak, technique, that I learned from someone here on the forum (maybe it was @Mango1998). Shut up my mouth, and if the other person wants to talk, let him or her talk. People always end up talking. I like the advice from infinite waters about socializing. "Sometimes I feel like just listen." I do recognize that this can become a trap to me, but, hey, at least I am doing something. I am happy that I have actually decided to go to the class. Show up! I feel like I am a good participant in life when I am present. The key is to show up.

On the other hand, I value quality also. Anyway, I got one more English class to give in a few minutes. I will be as present as I can be, and then I want to dive deep inwards. Talk with my inner child, do some "I Love Yous", and talk with the divine as if it were a close-friend (that is, without needing to fake happiness, just be as I am). May I have enough strength to give this class.

As Suzuki Roshi said, the phrase that sums up Buddhism is "Not always so". Nothing is fix or permanent. May I learn to see arising and passing of all things with equanimity and balance.

I do recognize that I am also in phase of overeating. But I can kind of control that.

[Gabriel Antonio]

11:05 PM 24-May-17

I liked @Mango1998's advice on finding balance between being with other and being alone. I like the term interdependence. I need people, but I don't need anyone in specific.

I haven't been applying masculine force lately, but more anchoring the Divine Feminine. Accepting myself as I am manifesting. I get kind of a glimpse of what Leo said that self-acceptance is 10x more powerful than self-improvement.

I was quite depressed this morning. I mean, I was utterly depressed. I had 0 pleasure, and I just felt like eating. I even thought of asking Leo in the personal questions if he ever binge. I might do that later.

I also remembered Leo's advice on negotiation. I feel @Dragallur advice has been helping me. He said that he knows that playing video games for him is a very bad sign, so he watches a movie instead. I am kind of doing that. Thanks a lot!

I have kind of accepted the meaninglessness of our existence and that no matter how hard I try, there won't be any reason. So I am simply enjoying this trip.

I haven't been getting sexual desires lately. I fear a bit making women pregnant. Well... there is an easy solution for that.

I feel I have been very humorous lately. I like when people get it, but my goal is for self-amusement (as Leo says in the How To Be Funny video).

I feel I am integrating a lot of things that I have watched over the past year. I am grateful for having so much knowledge. I am also grateful for the Universe talk with me through my intuition.

I saw a very good infinite waters' video. It was posted on May 17th, I guess. It is called How to Keep a Conversation Flowing. I think this is the 3rd video about this that Ralph has posted.

It is great to have a purpose in life. Overcome shyness and help other do the same. I get so much happiness from interactions. I have been criticized (as usual), but I don't even care. As Krishna said, "It is better to follow your own path imperfectly than another person's path perfectly."

[Gabriel Antonio]

Here I am again. 

As I sit here, I notice my breath. I try to remember my intention for the day. Oh, yes! To smile more. I put on a smile on my face, which feels uncomfortable. I take a deep breath. Start thinking... and thinking... 

Life is meaningless. > That's a truth I have been working on accepting. The energy of Love is what make this journey pleasant and exciting. 

I have been disorganized with my habits. I have been keeping up with meditation, journaling, and cold showers. I feel like speeding up my pace. I like @JKG's idea of keeping rigorous track of the days I have been doing a specific habit. I feel discipline can also bring a sense of meaning to our life.

_________________

8 Habits I Have Been Doing

> Cold shower first thing in the day 

> Visit 4 friends (neighbors) 

> Study for 10-15 minutes

> Prepare English/Portuguese activities for 10 minutes  

> Talk to my inner child for 15 minutes (5 minutes of "I love you"; 5 minutes of "it's okay", and 5 minutes of free talk) 

> Meditation 15 minutes 

> Random 20-item to-do list 

> Organizing my house, feeding my dogs and cats, washing the dishes 

Anyway, I don't even know if I am going to do those things. I feel the need of challenges. New goals. At the same time, I have been liking practicing self-acceptance. I want to be more organized. Yes. I think that's it. This is something I don't like, but I feel it is necessary. Have a plan for the day. Aw... I feel I am just rambling here. 

______________

Random Thoughts

I just noticed my jaw tensed. My spine is upright (YES! :)) 

I like @Mango1998's positivity

I have been thinking about God. A mature version of God should include masculine and feminine; good and evil; and the Creator and the creation (us) integrated. 

I have felt like this before, energetically speaking. Expansion... contraction... expansion... contraction... 

Take small steps of various activities. 

I had sex today haha 

[Gabriel Antonio]

11:22 PM 26-May-17

This week was for sure one of the most challenging ones. I had a huge ego backlash. I started craving food and I felt very shitty. However, I understand that sometimes we need to go all the way down to arise into infinite heights. It is always like this. If I felt very joyful all the time, I wouldn't grow. For example, I recognize that I got fixated on prayer. Totally out of balance.

After a while, I felt the need of pursuing new knowledge. I have watched some videos that I wouldn't have otherwise watched. In essence, I feel like I am on the verge of a big exponential growth. My focus has been on developing self-confidence. I have realized that I do not have to suffer alone. I can offer my presence to other people. For example, today I was hella bored in my house, feeling the need to use my energy somehow. So I went to a close pharmacy and started talking with the security guard. It was a very good conversation that I would have lost had I stayed at home. It was simple and enjoyable.
YOUR VOICE MATTERS!

Speak even if your voice shakes!

I love what @ wrote to me once. "It is essential to explore contrasts to find the middle way." I understand that I went to one side of the spectrum of forced introversion and isolation; now, I am on the other side. Explosions of extroversion..! Sometimes it is even hard to control myself and I end up speaking in places that I shouldn't. But that's ok. It is part of the growing phase. I need that.

I feel there is a lot of energy accumulated in me. And I need to use it somehow. English and Portuguese classes have been helping me with that.

Anyway, the great insight I had today was: use your voice. Your voice matters.

At the same time, I feel the need of cultivating my faith. I am looking forward to my ayahuasca experience this weekend. Hehe, I love to live in Brazil =]

"There is nothing natural in being fat." Leo

[Gabriel Antonio]

5-27

Today has been awesome. Early in the morning, I decided to pray for 1 hour. I was inspired the video "Feel Good Now - Matt Kahn". One of the things he advocates is: every time we say something positive, we make a deposit to our emotional account. The thing is, most of us have an emotional account in the very negative. Therefore, many times we say positive things to ourselves, yet we still don't feel good. Why? Because our emotional account is still in the negative. So... the solution is simple: we keep on saying positive things until our account reaches neutral; then, positive.

Here was my practice: I sat in meditation posture, and I was still the whole time. I was moving my mouth all the time since I was praying out-loud. I was also inspired by Osho idea that before we meditate, we should use our energy. I used my energy through my throat chakra. I consciously chose high-frequency words such as "Grant me strength," "Holy Father," and "Glory to God." In the beginning, I was having many wandering thoughts, but eventually I entered a frequency of Peace. My emotional bank account was, now, in the positive.

[Gabriel Antonio]

btw - i just wrote a post on my last ayahuasca experience. it was amazing!

[Gabriel Antonio]

[Gabriel Antonio]

[JKG]

@Gabriel Antonio The first half of the year isn't over yet. Only 5 months are over. You still have one

[Gabriel Antonio]

20 activities

• reading
• jogging while listening to a self-help, spiritual audio
• cooking
• meeting a friend
• talking to a stranger
• comfort zone challenge (e.g., climbing a tree)
• attending a trial class of something outside of your comfort zone
• meditating
• journaling
• yoga
• drawing
• writing desires, goals
• preparing Portuguese/English classes
• talking bullshit with a friend
• seeing childhood photos
• taking psychedelics
• visiting new stores
• consciously doing something that might cause negative reactions and taking the pressure of being called "an asshole", "selfish", etc.
• proposing a 1-minute of silence to another person
• telling a inconvenient truth about yourself to a friend or partner
• telling your crush that you like him or her
• taking 7 deep breaths
• cold showers

[Gabriel Antonio]

12:55 PM 02-Jun-17

Strategizing...

Yesterday I decided to meditate for 2 hours, and it was amazing. I feel I have started listening to my inner voice once again instead of being so caught up in prayer.

Today, I listened to Leo's "How to Be Ruthlessly Effective at Anything" video, and I was very inspired by it. Taking consistent action every single day.

I came up with a huge list (21 items) of mini-habits. My major habit would be 2 hours of meditation. I feel like this is the right amount of time so that I can find balance between silence and movement. Anyway, from this list, the habits that I am serious about implementing everyday are: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 14, 16, 17, 21. As you can see, I got lots of 'em. I am taking ayahuasca today, and I hope to get some visions and insights as to what to focus on.

I am open to suggestions.

Man, have I missed meditating.

It's good to be back.

[Mango1998]

20 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

• preparing Portuguese/English classes

are you a teacher?? I´m just curious

[Gabriel Antonio]

This is a vulnerable post. I almost didn't post it.

I have been going through this very rough stage of my self-development journey. Some weeks or months ago I had been on an exponential growth, in which I felt unstopabble; I felt as if I was truly confident that this the right path; that I was growing. But... guess what, now I don't feel any of that. Quite the contrary, I feel very judgemental, doubtful, insecure, and indecisive. Yes. A quadriple-combo!

First of all, I have been judging a lot others. It is very strange to have this feeling once again. I was feeling so pure and extroverted a couple of weeks ago that I had forgotten how it is like to be in my mind all the time and judge people relentlessly. It is very creepy to see that process happening. For example, at the ayahuasca ceremony, I was basically in my mind judging everybody there. Goodness gracious, judging prevents me from being in the moment.

I have been struggling with the difference between self-love and complacency/laziness. I do feel lost most of the time. That is quite sad, I feel. But at the same time, I recognize that life can be holding something far greater, far higher consciousness for me.

I just don't know where my life is taking me to. I have been thinking a lot about the past, and I recognize that my nostalgic part is kicking in. At the same time, I feel a lot of hope. I kind of like this introspective phase. I missed spending more time by myself. And I haven't been getting a lot of joy from interactions except with my meditation group, which I really love. Last time I went there, I was very radiant and open. I loved how participative I was that day. On the other hand, two times I go that I went there, I was very quiet, totally inside my mind. So always remember how quickly we can change.

AYAHUASCA CEREMONY
Speaking of the ceremony of yesterday, it was quite crappy. I was feeling very lazy. I just wanted to lie down. I was very low on energy, because I didn't eat very well during the day. In the middle of the ceremony, I went to the kitchen of the house to grab some crackers, and the owner went there exactly when I was eating. And then she told me I wasn't supposed to eat during the ceremony. I got pretty angry and bitter inside from receiving that "scold."

I wish I had felt more love during the ceremony.

However, another thing that happened during the ceremony was the practice of "I Love You". I only entered the Force (which is the name for the higher conciousness state psychedelics provide) when I accepted my current situation and began speaking silently "I love you" to all the waterfall of thoughts and personas that exist within. The judgemental part, the sad part, the neurotic part, etc. Then... BAM! I was in the Force. However, I was so tired that I ended up losing that state very quickly.

The owner of the place suggested to use rapé, which is a powder made from tobacco. But I hate that thing. Anyway, me hating it might be a sign to actually use it. But I haven't been forcing myself very much lately.

NUMBNESS
These past days, all I feel is a sense of numbness. I recognize I am backsliding into some old, low-quality habits (e.g., overeating,oversleeping etc.); at the same time, I do realize that the current season in Brazil (winter) has this quality of retrieving.

HOLDING HANDS WITH MEDITATION
As soon as I noticed all these bad habits creeping in, I immediately held my hand with meditation. I had been meditating for 4 hours until a month ago, and I simply stopped because I felt as if it didn't make much sense. I was feeling so conscious and present that meditation was actually pulling me away from being present. Plus, I was very focused on prayer, which can be done when you're doing anything.
Now, however, I don't feel enough strength to be praying all day long. It is really quite crazy how our energy level can drop or rise in a matter of days, hours, even minutes.

INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

I have been going out with two girls, none of whom I am reallly attracted to. The two are very needy. I understand them, because I have those same seeds of neediness inside of me. But I just don't want to commit to a relationship like that. For example, I cancelled an English class because I was hanging out with one of those girls. I mean... it was kind of nice.

I understand that it takes time to build love. I mean, it can go away pretty easily, so in a way I have to invest time in it. However, I also recognize that it should be something smooth and natural. Idk.
__________________

I feel there is a lot of stuff stuck inside of my mind and my body. So it is good to write here. And write, and write, and write.

This is a way of catharsis; an outlet. Anyway, I don't really know what else to write about.

[Mango1998]

8 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

I have been going out with two girls, none of whom I am reallly attracted to. The two are very needy. I understand them, because I have those same seeds of neediness inside of me. But I just don't want to commit to a relationship like that. For example, I cancelled an English class because I was hanging out with one of those girls. I mean... it was kind of nice.

I understand that it takes time to build love. I mean, it can go away pretty easily, so in a way I have to invest time in it. However, I also recognize that it should be something smooth and natural. Idk.

 

This sounds like a forced relationship  

[Gabriel Antonio]

Sometimes I remember how easy it is to be happy. It is all so simple, yet I love to complicate shit. Anyway, I woke up today feeling shitty. I was like, "Shit. Another day! Fuck!" And then I was feeling very lazy in my bed. Then, I decided to take a shower. I did. Then, I meditated for 40 minutes. Then, I went for jogging while listening to the new episode about psychedelics.

It was nice to start out my day this way. I was going to do some negative habits, which I haven't done in months long, but then while I was meditating I remembered what @Dragallur said to me about negotiation. So I told myself, "Ok. I realize that I am not that good today. Lately, actually. So I am going to come up with a list after I am done here of things that I know are positive, but I will consciously only do a little bit of each of them." This is a strategy to build momentum. If I am feeling very lazy on a day, it is no use trying to go to the opposite side and be super-productive. So I started small.

I came up with 25 easy-and-quick things for doing today, and I am happy for them. I already feel better. More energized. Sometimes when I am feeling very lethargic, I condemn my "energetic" drives. I judge myself from doing so much etc.

In fact, I want to write a bit about my judgemental side. I have noticed that it is ok to judge as long as you don't get attached to those thoughts. I mean, whatever you focus on, grows. So it is ok to judge once in a while. We obviously have no control over our thoughts, so what is the point of condemning yourself from thinking certain things? This is called rumination. Rumi-nation. A nation based on the concepts by Rumi. Shit, what am I even writing about?

Anyway, one of the things I did was to go to the local market and simply greet people with a simple "Hi". And it worked well. I even did a comfort zone challenge of asking a cashier to borrow me her phone to call my mom. I was feeling lighter, which was really good.

One insight I had is that everything is lighter than it seems. I mean, sure there are so dark parts of our lives, but that's ok. I mean, I don't really trust in what I am writing here. Anyway, my intention for this journal entry is to write as much as I can. I feel good this way.

My meditation has been going well. I have started to set the intention of "Awareness" because most of my meditation is thinking, daydreaming. This is ok, but I do realize that there is something far greater. Yet staying conscious is something so complicated at times. Like how am I supposed to stay conscious of my thoughts? I mean, I would like something more concrete like my breathing. Anyway...

I was listening to some Thich Nhat Hahn. I was amazed by how cheerful and joyful the audience was. He embodies peacefulness. It is quite remarkable how calm a person can be. I used to want to be like him. But now... well, too much work. I feel like I want to be myself. Sure, he has some great teachings and insights, but, man, I love being me.

There are times in which I simply forget how the thousands of hours I have studied Buddhism, spirituality, and psychology; and simply let go of everything and become present. It is so cool to have that feeling. At the same time, boy, oh, boy. I have been getting a STRONG ego-backlash, and I am happy that I have had the courage to expose it here on this journal.

I feel like watching some old videos of mine (on YT) so that I can see how I was feeling back then. Sometimes I tend to idealize the past as if it were great, but most of the times it wasn't.

I am pretty addicted to fantasy. It is quite scary how far I can go to the past and think, "Oh... that was so brilliant. I miss that."

Anyway, I am developing more self-confidence. I am not giving a shit about the voices in my head (yea... maybe a little bit), but I have decided to challenge my fears and pain through saying to them, "Show me how powerful you are."

Btw - I watched a beautiful Matt Kahn short meditation (5 minutes) called A Letter to My Inner Child. (something like this). It is amazing. Totally recommend it.

Dude, I feel like doing psychedelics by myself. The best place I have been to is called Saint Daime. The last one I went was pretty crappy. But, hey, that's ok, at least it was somewhere new.

That's it for today.

[Gabriel Antonio]

11:31 PM 05-Jun-17

ENERGY LEVELS

I have been feeling very low on energy. It is quite crazy how much I have changed in terms of energy over the last month. I am going through an ego backlash. I am happy that I have been able to maintain social interactions despite my unwillingness to do so. I am kind of forcing myself to talk to people.

OVEREATING & OVERSLEEPING

Here I am again doing the same things that I was doing exactly a year ago. A year ago, I basically gave up on improving myself and was living a very lazy lifestyle.

I don't know why but lately nothing seems to be right. I feel there is something lacking, a reason for doing all the shit that I do.

BREATHING

Today, I was at a friend's house, and I decided to practicing counting my breaths. It was quite amazing how mindful I became. I saw and felt how incredible this human experience is.

At some point, my ego got tired of that and I "slacked off"; that is, I allowed myself to let go and just go with the flow.

I feel I need more discipline. I feel like an addict who has to come to the terms that he is destroying his life. I feel like I need that moment of "I can't live this way, so I decide to change today." At the same time, I feel like there is the self-love component. I mean, everything is okay--whether I want it or not.

I am grateful for the friendships I have been cultivating. I am also happy that I have decided to focus once again on socializing rather than meditation. I get very easily attached to meditation and I stop trusting my natural instincts.

CYCLICAL NATURE OF LIFE

Life isn't always a progression. It is more of a cyclical thing. It is quite clear how the patterns I am demonstrating right now are similar to old ones. And the wheel turns and turns and turns.

LOWER-SELF

Sometimes I feel like fighting with my lower self. But fighting in a way is a component per se of my lower-self. I have been comparing myself a lot with other people; of how more "hard worker" they are than me; of how "lazy" I am; etc--as if there was a pride in being busy all the time.

Sometimes I wish I could just be as content as a cat. At the same time, I know that life is trying to push me forward.

I don't like this period I am going through. I feel very stuck. But at least I have some tools to cope with all these. (Breathing, friends, talking to inner child).

USING MY BODY

I feel like walking more. I want to use my body more, yet I don't have the energy to do so. It is always a struggle to do something productive with my body. Most of the times, I like to walk, which is good.

Anyway, I am happy that I am here writing. I am kind of worried with I can feel in the future, but that's only an illusion.

Thank you.

[Gabriel Antonio]

it's all in divine order.

whether you want it or not.

follow your natural instincts.

be a nobody. expect to achieve nothing.

and trust yourself.

[Gabriel Antonio]

relax. 

let the light enter you and dance in the presence of your almighty presence. 

i love you <3

[Gabriel Antonio]

Endure boredom.