"Bad" 3g mushroom trip, God realization

[Adilbek]

This happened more than a year ago on September 26, 2022. It was the most difficult experience in my life by far. I had several 2g grips, a few 1g trips, a one 3g trip before. On the previous 3g trip I drank the tea slowly. This time I drank it all within a short period of time, which was a mistake. The acceleration started shortly after. It didn't stop at a point where I felt would have been comfortable. It would just keep on going and going. I started to panic and rushed to the washroom to throw up. By the time I got there, the washroom was already resembling more of a spacious temple, the toilet a column in the middle. It was at the same time familiar but completely strange. I realized it was not my washroom at all, at least what I thought was my washroom was never it. Around this time the dose was too high for the ego to be credibly denying the fact that it did not in fact exist. The ego was still holding on to the idea of "I will just throw up and the bad trip will soon be over. I was so stupid to do a huge dose, I will never do mushrooms agian". My girlfriend who was at home with me started to worry as well, I tried to act as if all is fine, that it's just a bad trip and I need to throw up and lie down. But in fact it was the worst possible thing that could be happening, and it was just getting started.  

It's hard to explain this to someone who didn't experience something similar before. It was harder and harder to stay in the ego. I saw the ego suffering and struggling to stay "alive", but at the same time there was something that saw through it already. It was the denial stage, followed by anger. I tried to lay down and put on the eye mask to keep the resemblance of normality. Because if I did that, it would mean that I'm still having a bad trip and it'd soon be over. But it was not working, nothing was working. Nothing could save me. Meanwhile it was accelerating. I lay down and started to fake acceptance. Ok, I thought, if I can't fight it, let me accept it. I hoped that maybe if I do that, it would ease off. But it was still bargaining, not real acceptance. Meanwhile, it's getting more and more intense. I am still fighting for my life. But it gets so strong that hope is vanishing little by little. I am already thin, very very thin.....It's just me. It's always been just me. I am God. I am all there is, everything and everyone. I created everything. Those thoughts came later, but at that moment, it was just the obvious and banal feeling that it's just me. I keep "coming back to this" without ever leaving it. All else is a daydream.

As I felt the approach of death, a realization came that death would be an experience inside me, and it would still lead me to that place where I always am. At that point the fear of death disappeared. Maybe it's the psilocybin that started to taper off or the fact that I realized that death doesn't exist, but I sat in my bed and thought that it doesn't matter how strong the mushrooms are, it can't change the fact that I'm God, so no psychelic can do anything with that simple fact. I remember when faced with death, choosing to keep my ego - I guess it was the ego deciding, but that's beyond the point . I thought, I am still giving myself a chance to play as an ego for a little more time, because THAT place will never go away anywhere. I opened my eyes and looked at the hands. It felt like I was looking through a screen. I was fully sure that I could do telekinesis. I tried to move something in the room, and was surprised that I couldn't.

I checked my phone, there were some news about some fight that happened in my country. It was very hilarious to me at that point - that we choose to do this stupid shit with our time here, it's literally the stupidest and funniest shit we can do. And that I am the one doing it. I am literally responsible for everything. There is no bigger authority in this world that me. I am the ONLY authority, for better of for worse. Then I immediately texted Leo on Facebook, fully sure that he'd respond to me because at that moment I felt like only Leo can understand what I'm saying. I realized that all enlightened people are not real, they are just meat dolls that I put out there for my own entertainment, like NPCs in a game giving out quests. That NO ONE can be enlightened, because only "I" can be enlightened, whatever that means - I don't completely understand why I am feeling this way. I understood the meaning of the koan "if you meet a Buddha on the way, kill him" - because he's not Buddha, he's just a doll, because nothing can kill Buddha, only God is Buddha, and I am that.

I also saw that the real truth is pure insanity. It is absolutely insane. That a crazy guy in the comment section is the actual enlightened being - because it's fucking YOU, just trolling yourself for believing all this bullshit. LOL 

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edit the above was written just now. The below was the original post. 

Some key realizations: 

 

* I am God. I created everything. 

* I am alone. Utterly alone. Speaking to myself. This is excruciating and terrible. There's no one to consult with, no one to ask, no authority except myself.  

* There are no enlightened masters. Reality is insanity. The only enlightened masters are insane people. Enlightened masters are puppets I put for myself to entertain myself and leave breadcrumbs. 

* I am playing cat and mouse with myself. Forgetting and remembering. But it's all for fun, there's nothing at stake. 

* My ego is enormous. It is selfish and greedy. The fact that I needed a mushroom trip to see this means I wanted to feel special, regular ways of "getting to Truth" are not cool or special enough for me. All is an attempt to fill the hole inside. It's selfish and disregarding to my loved ones. It's all an attempt to add something to my collection of things that make me special, it's just greed and selfishness. It's disgusting. I remember that I said to myself "Why did you come to me again, go live your life. He won't stop until he kills himself". The ego is selfish it won't stop searching and digging until it destroys itself. But it won't find anything that isn't there already. It will just come to the same old place where I've always been. And alone, again. 

* I cannot die, death is inside me, I created death

* As an ego I have too much to lose. I want to get back to ignorance and live my life. That's why I didn't want to

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Hey, thank you so much for reading this! As an ego I'd like to say that I still have so much to learn. As God, I just want to say hahahahahaha 

On a more serious note, I am still integrating this experience and I get almost like panic attacks when I recall the experience. I stopped watching satsangs, stopped meditation because all that would raise energy in my body to the point of ringing in ears and throw me back into the realization. I've been slowly integrating the experience but it has not been an easy journey. I definitely got more than I bargained for