"i Am Not Worthy Of People's Acceptance" Belief

[Kimasxi]

I want to do Teal Swan's process of changing a belief. Could you help me go through this process?

What is my emotional pay-off for the belief "I am not worthy of people's acceptance" (I am a loser = worse than the others = I am not worthy of people's acceptance) ?

I feel shame, pathetic, sorry for myself. I don't have a clue what's the reward behind these feelings.

[poimandres]

Don't know anything about Teal Swan's process. Why would you want to believe you aren't worth of other people's acceptance? And why do you want approval from other people?

I think you are already getting the reward from those feelings..

[Kimasxi]

2 hours ago, poimandres said:

Don't know anything about Teal Swan's process. Why would you want to believe you aren't worth of other people's acceptance? And why do you want approval from other people?

I think you are already getting the reward from those feelings..

This is the link to her video. As you can see I am at step four.

Getting reward from those feeling already is the point Teal Swan makes. But I cannot identify those rewards.

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Kimasxi said:

I want to do Teal Swan's process of changing a belief. Could you help me go through this process?

What is my emotional pay-off for the belief "I am not worthy of people's acceptance" (I am a loser = worse than the others = I am not worthy of people's acceptance) ?

I feel shame, pathetic, sorry for myself. I don't have a clue what's the reward behind these feelings.

It is likely that you continue thinking this because you believe it will remedy or mask the perceived inadequacy. Like, you probably believe that if you're aware of your "inadequacy", then you can control it/hide it and avoid situations where you're likely to be rejected. So, avoiding rejection is the goal and payoff. And there is probably a goal to become adequate and lovable too. 

[Kimasxi]

2 minutes ago, Emerald said:

It is likely that you continue thinking this because you believe it will remedy or mask the perceived inadequacy. Like, you probably believe that if you're aware of your "inadequacy", then you can control it/hide it and avoid situations where you're likely to be rejected. So, avoiding rejection is the goal and payoff. And there is probably a goal to become adequate and lovable too. 

Ohh, that might be the case… I am not sure yet, but from what I know I expect myself to control everything and I panic when I lose the control.
So… avoiding rejection (I agree, my first life's priority is to avoid being hurt) in other words means that the pay-off is some kind of safety? Although it does not feel this way, but it's like a promise of safety in the future? What can I do with that?

[Toby]

Ok. I'm not interested in watching Teal Swan's video but some form of this is used in several approaches. Just go into the belief or the feeling and say what it wants to say. For example: "I want to be loyal to my mom/dad/family (because they have the same belief and I want to belong) or society. I want to feel special and not ordinary like everyone else. If others just accept me I don't know what to do with my time (to prove to them or myself that I'm worthy). It has become a part of me and I don't know who I am anymore if I let go of the belief. Others might think I'm egoistic or arrogant if I don't suffer. I need the struggle and conflict to feel myself. If I open up others might betray me or leave me. I would betray god/religion because I don't share the story (original sin) that there is something wrong with me. The function is to avoid pain and getting hurt."
Just some thoughts or ideas that came to "my" mind.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Toby

[Nahm]

@Kimasxi The pay off is, you get to be socially lazy. You don't have to do anything that involves other people - networking, sales, group study's, presentations, social events, etc. 

Another payoff is that when you are wrong, or someone else has a better idea, or when you stand to learn from someone else - you do the ego block / not worthy thing and feel superior.

Another is that when you lie to someone and it later gets revealed, you can just play the same old 'I'm not worthy' card as a ploy for their sympathy so that you never have to address your underlying issue of self dishonesty.

 

Edited March 30, 2017 by Nahm

[poimandres]

22 hours ago, Kimasxi said:

I want to do Teal Swan's process of changing a belief. Could you help me go through this process?

What is my emotional pay-off for the belief "I am not worthy of people's acceptance" (I am a loser = worse than the others = I am not worthy of people's acceptance) ?

I feel shame, pathetic, sorry for myself. I don't have a clue what's the reward behind these feelings.

What I should have said was that you are already seeing the reward of the belief "I am not worthy of people's acceptance." Feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness, etc..

If you start believing that you do not care about if you get approval from others (assuming you aren't hurting yourself or others), what do you think the payoff will be?  What do you think the payoff would be if you said to yourself out loud "I don't care what others think, because I'm good enough for my own self. I live up to my own standards."? And then you started to believe and live those words?

As some others have said before about avoiding situations where you might be "rejected", I'm not sure if that's going to be a good way of dealing with the inner root of the problem. By constantly avoiding the problem (fear of rejection) you won't overcome it and that's an indirect way of dealing with the problem, but the problem will still persist..

Edited March 31, 2017 by poimandres

[TJM1959]

22 hours ago, Kimasxi said:

Teal Swan's process of changing a belief

I just watched her video, some real tangible stuff re becoming aware of the internal conversations we can create...not sure I get the "vibrations" part tho. What she fails to do is speak about the profound power of a hands-on, all-in, balls-to-the-walls, take a risk, stretching yourself, "experiential" process to bust up limiting beliefs and conversations. Trying to sledge hammer a new concept or idea into our own brains can be exhausting and may not stick, may tend to be topical. One's experience has all our faculties in motion and at play, regardless of the actual experience.  
So here's a question to you Kimasxi, if you were to have unconditional love, support and you felt heard, what would you want people to accept about you?

[Kimasxi]

On 31.03.2017 at 4:38 PM, poimandres said:

What do you think the payoff would be if you said to yourself out loud "I don't care what others think, because I'm good enough for my own self. I live up to my own standards."?

I think I would feel safe.

So why don't I do it? Why is thint pay-off not an enough motivating reward?

[Toby]

Because it's an addiction. Everyone has this or other patterns that they are addicted to. Just look at alcoholics with their 12step-program. It's not unlike a lot of things on the "spiritual path". It's not enough to see a pattern or a behaviour to drop it. It's a really deep investigation sometimes.

[Kimasxi]

On 31.03.2017 at 5:24 PM, TJM1959 said:

I just watched her video, some real tangible stuff re becoming aware of the internal conversations we can create...not sure I get the "vibrations" part tho. What she fails to do is speak about the profound power of a hands-on, all-in, balls-to-the-walls, take a risk, stretching yourself, "experiential" process to bust up limiting beliefs and conversations. Trying to sledge hammer a new concept or idea into our own brains can be exhausting and may not stick, may tend to be topical. One's experience has all our faculties in motion and at play, regardless of the actual experience.  
So here's a question to you Kimasxi, if you were to have unconditional love, support and you felt heard, what would you want people to accept about you?

You can also watch her video "How to find a core belief" because there are also two questions that help to question beliefs. 

I am scared of being vulnerable.
I freak out every time when someone exposes me on that. I´m reading The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and I just realised that all my life is driven by fear  That's why taking risk when I may become vulnerable is so difficult to me. Instead I am trying to baby-step it and convince myself that there is no reason to fear. What would you suggest I should do to "domesticate" my vulnerability?

I don't know "unconditional love" nor have I ever unconditionally loved, aka I don't believe it exists. But assuming it existed, I would like people unconditionally love me even though I am imperfect, weak, not meeting the standards of belonging to the cool people (this is an issue from my childhood, where the whole group rejected me), that I am hurt and have negative feelings they don't like, and I may need help from other people to deal with them, that I am scared of them, that I need or want to be taken care of. 

Your question is SOOO valuable. Thank you!
 

[Arkandeus]

your desire to not believe is proof that you're already not believing. 

if you didn't believe it you wouldn't desire to stop believing it. 

belief is like a gradient, there's doubt, then there's many different shades of believing, then there's knowing. 

the first stage, doubt is a void between different beliefs,it's like trying to tune yourself, then you have the beginnings of beliefs, which is where you're at. 
desire to belief, is the beginning of belief, you're not doubting anymore, you know what you want believe and you want to let it come down to your reality, you don't want to believe, you want to know without any doubt, that you're worth of being accepted. 

recognize that you're already believing. 

what did you do to start believing? nothing, it's effortless.
you recognized something you desired, something you know is beneficial to your being. 
to change belief is to change your awareness. 
your awareness changed effortlessly, belief is effortless. 
you can't manufacture awareness, you can't ''do'' anything. 
you became aware of something and it entered your life, that's it, it's automatic.  

 

there's nothing more to do, you're already doing fine, as time goes, you will believe more and more automatically, just trust the process. 
recognize that you're already believing, relax into that mindset, to relax into your belief is to make it grow, the more you're comfortable and used to the idea that you're already believing, the more you will believe, till you can feel it with absolute certainty, till you know it. 

that's how belief works.
know that you already believe, till your belief becomes what you know

Edited April 2, 2017 by Arkandeus

[Christian]

@Kimasxi

I have a similar belief. I think for me the emotional pay off is that thinking I am not worth of other People's acceptance is it gives me an excuse to be lazy and protect myself. Because of this, people do not give me the acceptance that I secretly want, but don't believe I deserve, and that just makes me believe it even more. Every little rejection, comment, or expression that people give me feeds into the problem because it functions as evidence which further intrenches the belief "I am not worthy of People's acceptance. 

But the greater problem is the lack of entitlement that underlies this belief. The lack of self worth.  To turn this around, you need to grow in self esteem so you feel entitled to People's acceptance in a healthy way of course -- not like a narcissist. Sorround yourself with positive people you actually like, be kind to yourself, read books on self esteem like "the six pillars of self esteem". Doing some questioning of this belief might also help. Ask why it is true? 

Get angry that you believe it, why are you potentially wasting years of your life because of a fucking belief system? See the ridiculousness in believing this. How stupid it is. That will maybe open you up  

 

[Kimasxi]

39 minutes ago, Arkandeus said:

your desire to not believe is proof that you're already not believing. 

if you believed it you wouldn't desire to stop believing it. 

belief is like a gradient, there's doubt, then there's many different shades of believing, then there's knowing. 

Perhaps then, my belief is "I am not YET worthy of acceptance" ?
 

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desire to belief, is the beginning of belief, you're not doubting anymore, you know what you want believe and you want to let it come down to your reality, you don't want to believe, you want to know without any doubt, that you're worth of being accepted. 

Maybe…
 

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what did you do to start believing? nothing, it's effortless.

Well, it's not effortless. I had to overcome some resistance so that I could become aware of something.
 

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the more you're comfortable and used to the idea that you're already believing, the more you will believe, 

OK, we will see. Thank you!

[Shin]

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What would you suggest I should do to "domesticate" my vulnerability?

You can't, you have to suffer to make your vulnerabilities goes, and that means doing the very things you fear the most.

I wish there was a trick to do that, but there really isn't.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Shin

[Kimasxi]

5 minutes ago, Christian said:

@Kimasxi

I have a similar belief. I think for me the emotional pay off is that thinking I am not worth of other People's acceptance is it gives me an excuse to be lazy and protect myself.

In my case, it made me burden myself with a mission to become more extrovert, blatant, persistent, working hard to make myself more impressive and high-status in my local group. So I am not sure if there is space for "lazy" ?

Perhaps some years ago it gave me an excuse to be lazy and hidden from society's judgement as I used to tell myself "I don't need people, people are stupid, I will rebel". It's no longer the case.

I can feel very passionate about growing and becoming my better self. It´s so pleasant to be proud of myself and feel I am winning, slowly but it´s going in the good direction. And then there come rejection, disappoinment, nobody gives a fuck about the better person I´m becoming, they still prefer other people's company and so on. The thought that I am still not that person makes me suffer and want to hide.

 

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the six pillars of self esteem

I´m just reading this, I've read 1/3 of the book so far