I've gotten a lot better

[enzyme]

I was off this forum for a little while as I was dealing with some emotional issues I was having relating to past trauma, and I was also making attempts to find my own place again and find a job that I could stick out for as long as I could.

My main issue that I deal with is I have these very intense reactions towards things my parents done to me when I was much younger and coping with the aftermath of it all.

I sometimes scream and become so terrified.  It hasn't happened in a long time although the last time it did my neighbor called the cops on me and I had to explain to the officers that there was nobody home except me - and that I was just an aspie losing my mind over basically nothing.

I read two of Eckhart Tolle's books (The Power of Now and New Heaven, New Earth) as well as a Steve Taylor book that described cases of people having profound awakenings when they experienced trauma (I can't remember the name right now).

I've discovered that 90% of the issue was that I was too entrenched in my false sense of self (ego) and that I was using time to keep the illusion of past alive.

I've been able to talk myself down when I experience the onset of my panic attacks - I can stay grounded in the now instead of reenacting a 'past'.

I wouldn't say I feel depressed or unhappy but I'm not particularly enthusiastic in the present either.  My goal is to see if I can experience pure love and joy as often as I can without exploiting alcohol and drugs like I used to (although I still micro-dose mushrooms every 2 or 3 weeks).

For anyone else on here that's experienced craziness in their life and isn't sure whether they can comeback from it and truly heal - you can.

It might take a lot of time, and you might not feel any ecstatic sense of joy at first.  You can learn to feel peace in the now, which might not be the happy buzz you're after, but that will come on its own and it will sweep you away.

[Yimpa]

Thank you for sharing, I’m right there with you.

Now that I think about it, I’ve never had a terrible interaction with a cop. They’ve all been genuinely caring when I was at my lowest.