instead of focusing on sex, focus on connection

[Chives99]

What do you have to offer the other person????? what does the person have to offer you?????? do you understand each other, do you have chemistry???? sex is the icing here theres a reason why a womans not just going to open her legs to you right from the get go, she needs to feel your LOVE , your authentic personality, your humour your charm and playfulness. Treat her like shes your equal not a god , she doesn't want you to grovel and tell her you're not worthy 

 

"oh please miss can you love me so I can love myself and feeel good"

 

 

you think thats stupid well thats exactly what you're doing and why you get social anxiety when you talk to girls. How the helll can you talk to a girl if you don't think your good enough its basic logic , yet you self sabotage constantly. Always remember you're good enough it doesnt matter if you struggled with socialising and cues  and have awkward moments in the past, put it all behind yourself whatever it is, go out there and talk to them........ they are waiting for you to come into their life and give yourself to them your beautiful goody authentic persoanlity. go get them tiger. make a fool of yourself take the plunge, you are not those arrogant arseholes that  can't take no for an answer they are guys that are angry and miserable and bitter but all overly confident and thy are the toxic guys that hurt women...............but  you are a lovely guy you just need to put yourself out there and be bold............... shes waiting for you

Edited October 3, 2023 by Chives99

[Pav]

In my experience focusing on building a connection first just doesn't work, if you don't get them sexually excited they seem to lose interest. (An exception to this may be where you've know a girl for a while through social circles or other situations where you have repeated social contact over time and then you guys decide to hook up). It takes along time, say months or years, to develop genuine connection. How long should we spend try to develop a connection before having sex? You'll most likely end up disappointing her if you take too long to be sexual and she'll move on to someone else. A better approach in my opinion is to get sex out of the way relatively quickly and you can focus of building that connection afterwards.

4 hours ago, Chives99 said:

sex is the icing here theres a reason why a womans not just going to open her legs to you right from the get go

This is simply not true. Women love sex and it's very important to them, probably more so than it is for men. Many women will have sex on say a first date if it's with an attractive guy, they will make it easy for him (of course not every women will, there's variance in how quickly people are willing to have sex).

Looking at things from your own perspective; is all you want from a girl a connection and a decent personality, or is their physical attractiveness important factor in influencing whether you're interested in them sexually? Assuming that physical attractiveness is unimportant for women and that it's all about you're personality demonstrates you haven't had a lot of experience in this area.

4 hours ago, Chives99 said:

she needs to feel your LOVE

Do you really love someone when you've only known them for a few dates? It's important to be genuine and honest.

4 hours ago, Chives99 said:

your authentic personality, your humour your charm and playfulness

This stuff is great and will influence your perceived attractiveness as well as help the interaction go in a positive direction. However, you are at some point going to have to sexualise the interaction. You will need to develop to ability to physically escalate well and arouse your date, there's no getting around this. Whether she's receptive to your escalation will come down to how attractive she finds you, which mostly comes down to your looks and your charisma. The biggest way you can improve your attractiveness is be lowing you body fat percentage to 12-15%, if you have overweight you are massively lowering you attractiveness and hindering your results in dating.

4 hours ago, Chives99 said:

Always remember you're good enough it doesnt matter if you struggled with socialising and cues  and have awkward moments in the past, put it all behind yourself whatever it is, go out there and talk to them........

Realistically you may not be good enough (ie. attractive and socially skilled enough) when you're first starting out to get the dating life you desire. Poor social calibration, lack of social skill, awkwardness, negative energy can kill your interaction with women. Depending on where you're starting from you may need to spend a lot of time working on your social skill and dating skills. And it will probably be brutal for you at first.

It's also a good idea to improve your physical attractiveness (ie. lower body fat, gym, groom well, dress well) to a point where you're at least somewhat attractive before you start cold approaching in order to improve you odds of successful interactions, otherwise you will get an overwhelming amount of rejections without seeing much success, which can be disheartening, lead to more social anxiety, and lower your self-esteem.

Edited October 4, 2023 by Pav

[Chives99]

3 hours ago, Pav said:

In my experience focusing on building a connection first just doesn't work, if you don't get them sexually excited they seem to lose interest. (An exception to this may be where you've know a girl for a while through social circles or other situations where you have repeated social contact over time and then you guys decide to hook up). It takes along time, say months or years, to develop genuine connection. How long should we spend try to develop a connection before having sex? You'll most likely end up disappointing her if you take too long to be sexual and she'll move on to someone else. A better approach in my opinion is to get sex out of the way relatively quickly and you can focus of building that connection afterwards.

I mean that you need a connection and chemistry for her to want to sleep with you, most women dont sleep with a guy after the first date that would make sex far too cheap and trivial, which is why it has to be built  a bit first

 

3 hours ago, Pav said:

This is simply not true. Women love sex and it's very important to them, probably more so than it is for men. Many women will have sex on say a first date if it's with an attractive guy, they will make it easy for him (of course not every women will, there's variance in how quickly people are willing to have sex).

 

Sex is awesome but connection and chemistry must be built first, guys can have emotionless sex but thats not what it like for a woman she needs to feel the prior too really enjoy it.

 

3 hours ago, Pav said:

 

Looking at things from your own perspective; is all you want from a girl a connection and a decent personality, or is their physical attractiveness important factor in influencing whether you're interested in them sexually? Assuming that physical attractiveness is unimportant for women and that it's all about you're personality demonstrates you haven't had a lot of experience in this area.

 

Sure we want to be attracted physically to our girl but can't date an appearance, you'd have nothing to talk about or do together, an airhead super model might be hot and fun to hook up with but she probably not a good conversationalist so you need to sacrifice some looks 

 

3 hours ago, Pav said:

 

Do you really love someone when you've only known them for a few dates? It's important to be genuine and honest.

 

 Take what im saying with a pinch of salt here , i meant love in the more general sense of having a good heart and not being so concerned with yourself.

 

3 hours ago, Pav said:

This stuff is great and will influence your perceived attractiveness as well as help the interaction go in a positive direction. However, you are at some point going to have to sexualise the interaction. You will need to develop to ability to physically escalate well and arouse your date, there's no getting around this. Whether she's receptive to your escalation will come down to how attractive she finds you, which mostly comes down to your looks and your charisma. The biggest way you can improve your attractiveness is be lowing you body fat percentage to 12-15%, if you have overweight you are massively lowering you attractiveness and hindering your results in dating.

 

Of course the two aren't exclusive to one another

 

 

3 hours ago, Pav said:

 

Realistically you may not be good enough (ie. attractive and socially skilled enough) when you're first starting out to get the dating life you desire. Poor social calibration, lack of social skill, awkwardness, negative energy can kill your interaction with women. Depending on where you're starting from you may need to spend a lot of time working on your social skill and dating skills. And it will probably be brutal for you at first.

 

You should always see yourself as worthy, even if you aren't where you want to be , how can a woman love a man that doesn't love himself, it would be like going into battle with a general that thought you were going to loose.

 

3 hours ago, Pav said:

 

It's also a good idea to improve your physical attractiveness (ie. lower body fat, gym, groom well, dress well) to a point where you're at least somewhat attractive before you start cold approaching in order to improve you odds of successful interactions, otherwise you will get an overwhelming amount of rejections without seeing much success, which can be disheartening, lead to more social anxiety, and lower your self-esteem.

Of course my prior points don't negate this, work on your appearance and fitness as well as personality