Meditation & Shadow Work & Psychdelic - Journal

[ValiantSalvatore]

I though this would be a better reference for me as I can focus on seeing this website as a tool and distancing myself a lot from it as possible, as there is a lot of subtle hostility and toxicity here, that infected me by just beign here, yet this is the only place here where I found better grounding it's more the toxicity of lower stages of development etc. That is here that is super frustrating etc.  I leave this here, if I just want to casually write smth. On page 1. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

15 minutes to the previous video of this:

I am grateful to have found new chill friends and that I am meditating more 
I am grateful that I am finding a healthy balance with order
I am grateful that I am having dates&meets-ups
I am grateful that I see and smell rain daily almost
I am grateful for nature and calmness

[ValiantSalvatore]

3-2-1 Shadow Work Christina From Work & Leo partially:

It feels like she is a power hungry improvement junky, yet only cares about the physical appearance and role subject
It feels like she is a stage blue/orange hypocrite who takes all credit for herself and has 0 joy in her life
She looks like a blonde, asshole trophy, that can't deal well with the projections of others 
She feels like a power hungry memory type of person I said so first bla bla, and only cares about her truth and a very narrow worldview of breadwinners
It feels like she only cares about breadwinning and nothing else
It feels like she is lazy and uninspirational as well as ungrateful for the inspiration others provide and can't verbalize it
It feels like she is weak in the sense that she has to take power and can't think in a big picture
It feels like she is making pressumptions and can't properly think for others
It feels like she puts people in a winner & looser category according to her standards which are very superficial with a benging character
She feels like Leo with this power hungryness at times, yet only his posts not his video which is odd
She feels like a conservative progressive
She feels like a delusional girl who would do anything for power given the right circumstances
It feels like she is stuck in a stage red worldview and abuses sex & beauty as a power mechanism and the genderism as points of debate to gain power in the world by beign non-judgemental, yet having a very very rigid opinion about this and denying this like a fake liberal progressive?
It feels like she is stuck in an eastern man & women worldview man = strong -> make money -> or gay women -> beautiful -> children -> useless&helpless

Alright shadow I won't take forever as I just want to ask you what is your gift, and what can I learn such a person is clearly not interested in personal development and changing herself, she only does thing for merit and most likely also acts in this deserved and undeserved cycle because she is insecure about her skill and only looks to preserve power like an asshole. What is the gift you're teaching me her? Can't you seem you're one and the same you also look out for Nr.1 which is you, by upholding your power, you might do it in a more balanced manner as you give others more credit, yet you also look for merit where you judge something as deserved and undeserved it's mostly also the memory part of it, that triggers you. As you memorize stuff differently and hence come to different conclusions, especially soft skills wise who deserved and does not deserve it, as you see how materalism can counter-act true social skill, and hence become triggered, as you look subconsciously for a lot of room for improvement, yet many want the physical assertive part from you and respect, which is very odd. Many power instead of control driven and we are both, crave a deep baseline of respect from each other, where are you on this? You seemed to be more in control of stuff, yet now it's about power and power is about respect, you you've figured in your worldview it's important to also trigger others and disrespect others who are disrespect full, and at best pay no attention to them, as it takes all power away, as you're not considering their worldview etc. So is this your conclusion in a nutshell? You're not giving them power, and the golden shadow of this we're taken care of in another way, especially the demotivating part and the power hungry lust lords jumping on the success wagon and then being more useful as you're not the best with the practical stuff, yet the more lean innovative stuff where they are utterly useless etc. Even the idea generation part, it feels like one concrete mess instead of concrete purity, that you provide. 

So what do we do here, what are you teaching and showing? I am showing you, you're also concrete mess at a time, and even when you fully know it, you're not making the effort to create a concrete idea, as it takes a lot of effort. Is that okay with you? Yes, it's okay, if you feel like walking on eggshells, then you can clearly see we're the same as I feel the same to you the irony of a shadow of a shadow or what is this b.s? 

Well, I tell you this you're making presumptions of the projections of others they have of themselves which are not true to their character in that sense, yes she is stupid, so what can you and I do about this? At best you leave such a person be it's like a dumb animal that is not interested in psychdelics or even becoming a cartoon wolf, as long as it's somewhat normal, and not toxic to health. You see this and understand this? 

Yes ..... alright, yet I am a conservative progressive I somehow like this bro. Yes you are you are more assertive than ever, and respectful also, as you've learned to deal with manipulators through having insight, some just continue to do it as they focus on depth of cosnciouness and guilt, these are the lowest dogs of dogs, don't deal with them. Like you saw yesterday if you have no fear there is nothing to fear even when you feel guilty, usually 99.9% of the time the other one did some bullshit otherwise he/she would not subtely manipulate for power. 

I am the one who manipulaters for power
I am the one who is a conservative progressive
I am the one who is more in power favour currently than control, as you see control as weak
I am the one who is subconsciously looking for steady improvement in others work
I am the one who is thinking in black & white about who is deserving and undeserving
I am a conserative materalistic prick, about who I mate, date and fuck
I am a conserative idea creator by not focusing on the purity of the idea, yet only on the concreteness and practicality 
I am the one who is not interested in working on himself in terms of personal development anymore and only cares about money
I am the one who is memorizing stuff correctly, yet changes plans due to assumptions due to very subtle agreements and needs other power driven people to help make correct decisions, control is of no use here. 
I am the one who is like Leo and Christina a power hungry spiritual and materalistic seeker at times 
I am the one who can't make a proper distinction but claims to make them so, yet also does them I am in conflict with myself and when I see others who are in conflict with themselves I abuse it for power gains
I am the one who gives others who're worse of negative identities like looser, asshole, piece of shit etc. 
I am the one who craves purity and can put that into an eastern faltout racist context of superfifical beauty or only biological hallmarks and standars instead of purity of soul, which for me is the true eastern spirit. Like having a pure aura about s1, more often than others etc. 

Edited October 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I think Leo massively underestimates shadow work stuff, the resentments against buddhist seems unreal I wonder even what happend and I care not much about this. The pain stuff with Shinzen he even wants to test them as he thinks it's b.s so I dunno what buddhist did b.s, you should question them more often. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Anyhow I might make some of these explorations myself soonish~ I'll ask the russian guy who has experience with psychdelics and make some prep either this or next year to take NN-DMT orally etc. To see for myself I think Leo is correct on this, yet lacks shadow work and relational grounding regardless of how many partners, I doubt it a bit, yet if he's good all goodness to him, a yeah deserving paradigm was about goodness. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

20 min meditation:
 

• Soothing energy of the very deep meditations I had when it was more regular was present and the depth of masculinity I could provide from
• Love mantra etc. Just generally feeling very good about myself and the world

Gratitude Journal:

I am grateful to date a cool girl that has an interest in psychdelics, spirituality, video games and personal development

I am grateful to have very new chilld friends who are interested in the above all of them and even business!

I am grateful to be working at the new company and hopefully I get more money soonish, as a working student

I am grateful to not surround myself with easterners who have a very racist worldview and upbringing and cause subtle damage that I felt recently also in my body

I am grateful for the resemlbance and difference the girl I am dating has with the girl I feel deeply in love with 

I am just grateful for conscious coincidences nothing is random, I hope and make a wish Leo stop demonizing spirituality and keeps his word more often

This is his weakest point as a man, he can't keep his word, I have this also and I presume this comes from a lack of strong masculine presence within ones family etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

20-25min meditation: -> Going to eat & found this beauty
 

• I am grateful that I am finding a deep wholeness in me when I can hear space & the universe
• I am grateful that people help me out and create clarity where I lack it due to simply beign an innocent beginner and not knowing
• I am grateful for everyone who does not cause emotional wounding and extra pain that is not prolific to more organic growth
• I am grateful and thankful for solving problems with and without the help of others
• I am grateful for meditation and being less active on the forum and the internet as well as other stuff
• I am grateful for people who respect me and love me
• I am grateful for everyone who is not hostile towards my spiritual growth and supportive
• I am grateful for the turkish girl and the commonalities that we have I hope we can be a supportive TIER 2 couple and I can enjoy this type of work with her

I am grateful for beign human

 

 

Edited October 7, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

1h: Meditation:

Through listening to the power of now which I enjoyed for years when I felt I had severe life problems, I realized that this feeling I feel at the center of my heart is just resistance and I am purifying it piece by piece slowly and gently and in a very controlled manner. I used to have such extrem feelings of flow and positivity when I did my practice due to this, I did not know where to put that energy in, as it's more of an executive energy, and not learning type of energy. etc. I am not getting into this, yet the freedom of a breakthrough is not experienced in that way, yet it's similar in essence. 

I might smoke cannabis today as I go out, for the first time since last year, and the tiny megy tiny ultra tiny bit I smoked at my birthday 4 months ago approx.... 
 

• I am grateful for every positive opportunity
• I am thankful that I am speaking up for myself when I feel mistreated or someone treats me in a negliable manner
• I am grateful for feeling through resistance in meditation and feeling breakthroughs
• I am grateful for beign less triggered by scientific rational people and seeing their good side, that they take time and help often with their time
• I am grateful eckhart tolle and the power of now in terms of helping s1 at stage green & turqouise without the issues of stage yellow workholism and super edgy meta-systematic perfection striving. 

I thought I could cherish the discipline of stage blue more again, yet act more yellow that seemed to help with stuff, anyhow. I am going there is stuff to do & I will go out today.