It looks like I'm actually gonna be able to get euthanasia...

[at_anchor]

No one will ever want to employ me and even if someone gives me a chance, I'm gonna be a disappointment, I bet. If not by my own mistakes, then by someone interferring to make sure of that.

[TheCloud]

6 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

I don't fully understand what you want to say. I have YouTube to express myself? I don't know what to say there.

As long as you aren't in constant physical pain, have your mind, and have a means of expressing yourself, you have a way to show the beauty that belongs to you.  If you're already suicidal, you have nothing to lose even if someone kills you for showing it.  So what are you holding back for, when you're already talking about giving up everything?  Are you more afraid of humiliation than death?

[at_anchor]

9 minutes ago, TheCloud said:

As long as you aren't in constant physical pain, have your mind, and have a means of expressing yourself, you have a way to show the beauty that belongs to you.  If you're already suicidal, you have nothing to lose even if someone kills you for showing it.  So what are you holding back for, when you're already talking about giving up everything?  Are you more afraid of humiliation than death?

Okay, I think I understand. I just wish that there was some beauty left to show and that I won't end up being in constant pain and give up.

[TheCloud]

25 minutes ago, at_anchor said:

Okay, I think I understand. I just wish that there was some beauty left to show and that I won't end up being in constant pain and give up.

That makes it sound as if you're more afraid of yourself than you are of dying.  If you were to try again and fail or lose, it's more frightening than giving up everything.

[at_anchor]

26 minutes ago, TheCloud said:

That makes it sound as if you're more afraid of yourself than you are of dying.  If you were to try again and fail or lose, it's more frightening than giving up everything.

Giving up on the means of expressing myself and showing some beauty that belongs to me would be like failing and losing.

I don't know what content to create. It could be something about learning a language with some added tips for a healthy lifestyle.

I don't know. My current type of dream is to wait for a couple of years or more, learning a language to get a job in a good country. I don't know what job though. Maybe an electrician. If I was able to drive a truck and have a job like that driving around Europe, that would be even better, but highly unlikely to come to fruition. 

It's very frightening to create content online indeed. I could fail, make a big fool of myself, get myself into even more trouble, but you're right, I actually don't have that much of anything more to lose. 

[TheCloud]

@at_anchor Have you found the beauty inside yourself, or ever had a profound or life-changing (positive) experience?

[at_anchor]

11 minutes ago, TheCloud said:

@at_anchor Have you found the beauty inside yourself, or ever had a profound or life-changing (positive) experience?

No.

Aside from a dog barking and before that my family member coming at midnight, I have gotten a constant high tone in my left ear. I don't think I'll ever find health and work security in life. Poverty, loneliness and mental illness, that's not why I was born, I'm not passionate about that. 

I don't want to complain, I'm just obviously despised by authority figures that want all the worst for me and that includes living in pain and misery for the rest of my life. That's 100% true. I wish there was some kind of an veterinarian to put me asleep you know. God will take care of me then.

[at_anchor]

*

Edited October 16, 2023 by at_anchor

[TheCloud]

On 10/15/2023 at 6:41 PM, at_anchor said:

No.

Aside from a dog barking and before that my family member coming at midnight, I have gotten a constant high tone in my left ear. I don't think I'll ever find health and work security in life. Poverty, loneliness and mental illness, that's not why I was born, I'm not passionate about that. 

I don't want to complain, I'm just obviously despised by authority figures that want all the worst for me and that includes living in pain and misery for the rest of my life. That's 100% true. I wish there was some kind of an veterinarian to put me asleep you know. God will take care of me then.

People who put you through hardship obviously won't like it when you complain, but it is deeply necessary to feel and acknowledge your emotions.  If that acknowledgement comes in the form of a complaint, then complaining may be the correct way to start.

 

From what you said, I understand that you find your present situation to be painful and lonely.  Acknowledging and exploring those emotions won't change your current situation, but it may lead you to the next step to take.  What specifically do you find to be the most painful and/or lonely?

[Felliks]

5-Meo-DMT will never work bro who the fuck are you

Of course you see everyone as dogmatic because you want to see it in everyone.

That's probably some weird sense of self-defense and worth, like the last part of you which wants to stay loyal to something will not give up that sense of being capable of seeing it while others don't.

I'm unsure if that's a good thing anymore. I notice it in myself and it brings me down. Then it brings others down, like your post did to me.

That makes me want to self-preserve, enticing my dogmatic tendency. I bet I'd even describe you as arrogant in a sense, in a deep, deep sense of self-preservation which crossed the border of health and became selfish in its own sense. And yet nobody told you that because you're probably unsocial, if not anti-social. Poor you for what?

DMT won't work on you bro shut the fuck up. It would work WOOONDERS on you. Can't you see how acute you are?

To see what you see still is a form of consciousness. Low quality, but intense and perceptive.

Just don't kill yourself after you find out just how much you share those common traits. We all do but in this state, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. A house!

Be careful! All this time that all-seeing part of you focused on others, allowing the other part to go wild in its own self-deceiving actions. And you couldn't see a thing! What a bummer, imagine how much work that would be.

Get some money and give back to your close ones. Holy fuck you are spitting like that on your family. Holy shit go get medicated on some shrooms no wonder this is your situation. No, nobody cares, and because of that, you continue being the way you are, which continues our lack of care.

It's a self-cleaning organism this is, and it started killing you a long time ago. Get out as soon as possible man...

Edited October 18, 2023 by Felliks

[Felliks]

I see the conversation you had with Leo in another thread. You specifically mentioned being incompatible with stage blue and green.

Your age doesn't matter here. I know where you are because I'm leaving red to enter blue right now.

That means I've been in red for a while. Yeah, yeah. I've been dumb too and morally incomprehensible. Totally lack awareness. The only thing that stopped me from sinking was the clear reason I got from consuming dumb amounts of content from cleaner people.

I'm getting ready for a trip you might take too, but start reading beforehand. If you work and you move and yet you're still at that stage of health, a clean, new, and open perspective is what I take as a medication on a daily.

Hopefully, you don't have children. With all my wisdom I think you'd be too protective until you tell some people to fuck off. I'd add get some bitches but you have a wife, which doesn't stop you from being more manly expressive.

I think the roadblock is your expressiveness gets immediately judged by the same mechanism. Unfortunately, it's necessary.

You must tell it to fuck off too it's boring as shit can't you see it? And that's tricky, that's you, the source of all of that.

That's where psychedelics help a lot. They create a temporary safe space from which you observe (and alter) yourself without immediate consequences. Really helpful, highly recommend it. Wisely, wisely, but do it. Smaller doses at first of course, again, exactly how Leo recommends. If your wife is supportive it would be even better, how much does intimacy and deep care mean... If not, perhaps she's one of the culprits, then you know what to do.

Travel the world in a van, of course! 

Edited October 18, 2023 by Felliks

[at_anchor]

On 10/17/2023 at 11:35 PM, TheCloud said:

What specifically do you find to be the most painful and/or lonely?

That a particular society wants to hold me in itself and keep me down, humiliate me and abuse me, keep me from having a good life and make me have a really bad one. It's also that I can't develop myself as a result and be able to attract a man, build an intimate relationship with him and so forth. It's poverty, having to be with people that wish me all the worst and do things to make my life worse. It's the weakness and pain I feel when my stomach doesn't work or I can't sleep. 

I don't know. It's that I have so many years left to live and it scares me what is gonna happen. It would be great if i could isolate myself from everyone for the rest of my life, someplace nice and warm where I couldn't be found, where no one can get to.