The Guy Told Me He's Afraid Of Committment/relationship. Anything To Do?

[clytaemnestra]

So, I just started working 10 days ago in a new company and I met very cute guy. We went to some drinks (company) and he was standing next to me in a tram and approached me. We met, talked a bit about work and company and the whole night we were talking together. We got into deeper conversations and he told me he's afraid of commitment, he's only up to friends with benefits. I asked him why, he told me, because he's afraid that he'll start a new relationship, realize that the girl is not "the one" and he'll hurt a girl by breaking up the relationship and it'd hurt him, because he hates hurting feelings of another people.

That night we only cuddled and tomorrow and he said no strings attached. He told me he doesn't like being with someone just for fun and fooling another girls and he takes love very seriously.

Tomorrow 3 of us met, we had a nice time together, we were laughing a lot and then two of us spent some time alone, but non-sexually. The more I get to know him, the more we both realize that we have a plenty of stuff in common and we're quite similar and have same viewpoints and values. Now at work we sometimes meet during the breaks and talk all together, but nothing special. I contacted him on Fb and asked on Sunday if he has plans, but he saw the message too late when he already got home from gym and apologized, said he's sorry for missing the hangout and told me we could figure out something during the week. It's week now, but he doesn't call nor contact me. We just during the breaks talk all together and that's it. Or friends-thing discuss.

 

Can I get some male input in this story? I, as a girl, was never afraid of a relationship, I don't get it why is he (26y/o)? Is there anything to be done or just to forget about it? Does he only say it or really means that I have no chance and I should forget about him? OK, for me FWB is okay, but since we have planty stuff in common, I'm not sure that I could be so open and not to mind if he has another "friends" for sex or if he sees me just as any friend.. So, while I'm still at the beginning and not attached, what to do? To break the friendship or to see what comes next?

[Toby]

I'm not him but usually you could translate it to "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you (with another woman it might be different) but FWB would be ok". And he is even honest enough to tell you before you enter this kind of construct. Maybe something deeper can develop from that but probably it won't, so it's your decision if you are ok with that.

[clytaemnestra]

16 minutes ago, Toby said:

usually you could translate it to "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you (with another woman it might be different) but FWB would be ok".

Thank you. I actually never thought that it's an excuse to tell me that he doesn't like me for something more than FWB. Interesting point, I should think about it.

[Toby]

Hey, I might be wrong. You never know.

[clytaemnestra]

12 minutes ago, Toby said:

I might be wrong.

Yea, but that never crossed my mind as an idea anyways. I'll give time time and see how it goes. I guess.

[FindingPeace]

2 hours ago, Toby said:

I'm not him but usually you could translate it to "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you (with another woman it might be different) but FWB would be ok".

You could try to twist his meaning in to some excuse, or perhaps he means exactly what he said..

2 hours ago, clytaemnestra said:

he's afraid that he'll start a new relationship, realize that the girl is not "the one" and he'll hurt a girl by breaking up the relationship and it'd hurt him, because he hates hurting feelings of another people.

There is nothing particularly unreasonable about this. Maybe he is that insecure and anxious about hurting people. In which case, he might not be capable of having a healthy relationship anyway. These sorts of hangups will manifest themselves in dysfunctional ways as the realtionships develops.

Either waym whether it is an 'excuse' or a 'reason', it's indicative of some issues he has with forming healthy relationships. Which is something to be wary of. You may decide that you can 'help' or 'fix' him.. but again be very careful of this. I feel that he has some inner work to do before he is ready for an authentic relationship.

At least he is open and honest enough to tell you this at the outset. I would give him credit for that. He can do friends with benefits.. you can go along with that, but just be careful of how things develop, because if things start to look too much like a relationship (if you start coming on stronger and more enthusiastic) then he may just walk away. If he does, don't hold it against him. It is ultimately your choice to pursue some form of relationship with him, and he has warned you of his concerns. So don't be surprised if those concerns become reality at some point.

 

[Dan Arnautu]

8 hours ago, clytaemnestra said:

So, I just started working 10 days ago in a new company and I met very cute guy. We went to some drinks (company) and he was standing next to me in a tram and approached me. We met, talked a bit about work and company and the whole night we were talking together. We got into deeper conversations and he told me he's afraid of commitment, he's only up to friends with benefits. I asked him why, he told me, because he's afraid that he'll start a new relationship, realize that the girl is not "the one" and he'll hurt a girl by breaking up the relationship and it'd hurt him, because he hates hurting feelings of another people.

That night we only cuddled and tomorrow and he said no strings attached. He told me he doesn't like being with someone just for fun and fooling another girls and he takes love very seriously.

Tomorrow 3 of us met, we had a nice time together, we were laughing a lot and then two of us spent some time alone, but non-sexually. The more I get to know him, the more we both realize that we have a plenty of stuff in common and we're quite similar and have same viewpoints and values. Now at work we sometimes meet during the breaks and talk all together, but nothing special. I contacted him on Fb and asked on Sunday if he has plans, but he saw the message too late when he already got home from gym and apologized, said he's sorry for missing the hangout and told me we could figure out something during the week. It's week now, but he doesn't call nor contact me. We just during the breaks talk all together and that's it. Or friends-thing discuss.

 

Can I get some male input in this story? I, as a girl, was never afraid of a relationship, I don't get it why is he (26y/o)? Is there anything to be done or just to forget about it? Does he only say it or really means that I have no chance and I should forget about him? OK, for me FWB is okay, but since we have planty stuff in common, I'm not sure that I could be so open and not to mind if he has another "friends" for sex or if he sees me just as any friend.. So, while I'm still at the beginning and not attached, what to do? To break the friendship or to see what comes next?

The dating period is exactly for that. You can become close, hang out, have fun, have sex and whatever but you are not commited to each other. When you see that all things go well, are in place and you know each other pretty well, you can ask the guy for you two to become exclusive to each other.

Don't scare him off with commitments. That is needy behaviour. Just go out and have fun with him. If a relationship is bound to happen, and it will happen, and will happen so organically.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Dan Arnautu

[clytaemnestra]

3 minutes ago, Dan Arnautu said:

Don't scare him off with commitments. That is needy behaviour. Just go out and have fun with him. If a relationship is bound to happen, and it will happen, and will happen so organically.

No, I didn't even mention it, it was our first meeting. I agree with all said, I'm just thinking like, maybe he wants to be clear from the very beginning that nothing's gonna happen and I misinterpreted it. I mean, we girls change our mind very often when it to friendzone comes and since we have more options (at least it seems like to me) we kinda are not afraid of commitments, I mean like I've never heard any girl friend being afraid of commitment, so for me it's unknown field and it happen first time, so I'm still confused, but it's good anyways, I'm learning something new about men.

[Dan Arnautu]

3 minutes ago, clytaemnestra said:

No, I didn't even mention it, it was our first meeting. I agree with all said, I'm just thinking like, maybe he wants to be clear from the very beginning that nothing's gonna happen and I misinterpreted it. I mean, we girls change our mind very often when it to friendzone comes and since we have more options (at least it seems like to me) we kinda are not afraid of commitments, I mean like I've never heard any girl friend being afraid of commitment, so for me it's unknown field and it happen first time, so I'm still confused, but it's good anyways, I'm learning something new about men.

I get what you are saying. I was trying to emphasize that it is natural to be afraid of a commitment when you don't know the other person well. Date him for a month or two and if things are going well ask for him to be in a commited relationship with you.

If he doesn't wanna date, you got your answer.

[Guest Annetta]

@My_Name_Is_Mud Are you assuming this person is me, or do you tell everyone they have DID?

[jse]

[Shin]

2 hours ago, jse said:

The funny thing is, they don't know what they miss.

Physical sex is so bad compared to psychological sex, and tantric (spiritual) sex piss on those two, but you need a deep intimate relationship for that, exactly what they are avoiding !

@clytaemnestra I said that because it is kind of funny to realize ^^

You do what you want miss

Edited March 31, 2017 by Shin

[clytaemnestra]

44 minutes ago, Shin said:

The funny thing is, they don't know what they miss.

Well, I don't plan on enlightening him on what he misses. 

[Nahm]

@jse You're hilarious.

@clytaemnestra I just received my male translator from amazon and am happy to use it....

"I don't want a relationship with you" means "I don't want a relationship with you"

Hope it helps. This thing cost me twenty five bucks.

 

[jse]

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

I just received my male translator from amazon and am happy to use it....
"I don't want a relationship with you" means "I don't want a relationship with you"
Hope it helps. This thing cost me twenty five bucks.

I'm thinking of upgrading mine to the Manslator ™

 

[clytaemnestra]

On 3/31/2017 at 8:22 PM, Nahm said:

"I don't want a relationship with you" means "I don't want a relationship with you"

Where did you read this sentence? I didn't say so. The guy was talking in general, we were talking about in on the same day when we met for the first time, thus with you part I don't see anywhere.

[Guest Annetta]

@clytaemnestra  Sorry, Michael thinks I'm you.
@My_Name_Is_Mud  Cut it out.  

Gaslighting.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Whywolf