Journal

[Metanoia]

I am so tired of not living up to my fullest potential that it is starting to become sickening. From the outside looking in my life might seem pretty normal: I go on dates every now and again, I workout sometimes & I have the routines you would expect from a regular university student. But on the inside I am constantly beating myself up for not working harder, not doing what I set out to do. I usually cope with this by drowning out the voice in my head with whatever form of media does the trick that day. 

The thing is, I have for a long time known that I am simply being dragged along for this ride which is my life. I never really perform, achieve or excel, I just kind of "do". I never apply myself, I rarely ever have. Even as a child I would focus only on things which gave me short term gratification. Never really thinking about tomorrow, next week, month or year. But that might also be a product of the fact that during my childhood, all my siblings and I found different ways of coping with, or rather drowning out, the constant yelling, screaming, shouting and sounds of things breaking. The environment in which we grew up in was far from the best, but that is neither here nor there - I just wanted to add that I might be beginning to understand why I am the way I am. Additionally, loads of people have had it a lot worse than me growing up and have done much better for themselves than I currently am.

I struggle with a lot of things in life, but I believe myself to be quite good at keeping up a facade. Socially I am always smiling, energetic, I try to make people laugh (and quite often succeed), people generally seem to like me. When I am alone however, I feel so extremely grey - either grey or whatever colour is associated with not sadness. Sadness not as in the loss of a loved one, or the I could cry sadness, but sadness as in "why am I here?", "why am I not doing what I set out to do?", "why indulge in these destructive behaviours even though I am well aware that they ruin my self esteem, confidence and outlook on life?". I do not really like myself that much. I always try to be better, but it seems as though the amount of time I spend trying to improve myself is followed by an even greater length of time where I actively sabotage myself. 

I do not like talking to people about the real me. I have a close childhood friend who is going through something similar, ever since he opened up to me I always try to guide him in the right direction under the guise of "I know where you are, and I know the steps you need to take in order to go where you want to be". Little does he know that the real reason why I know the steps to take, is because I have actively been doing the opposite. It is akin to knowing how to get to a particular destination not because you have been there yourself, but because you have been everywhere except that destination. Granted he is well aware that I am not there myself. 

Contrary to what whoever is reading this might be thinking. The purpose of this journal is not to sound so pathetic, nor to write at great length about how "bad" I have it. It is rather to clearly map out what I am aiming to do to improve my situation, how I intend on building a better life for myself. I want to thank whoever approved my account to this forum, because I have never had such an outlet before. So, without further ado, here are the things I intend on achieving by the end of my 2nd semester in 2024.

 

Academics

1. Achieve a B-average.

How I intend on achieving this: Focus on problem solving, rather than reading literature.

My current study strategy of spending a ridiculous amount of time reading the chapters assigned to us and taking notes of every little thing, is not optimal. It results in me not having the time to do the actual problems related to those chapters. My course is predominantly mathematics, finance, statistics and computer programming, so naturally a greater emphasis on problem solving is going to be more conducive to me reaching this goal. 

Body composition

1. Be in the gym Monday till Saturday.
2. Eat my five meals per day.
3. Stretch every day/every other day.

How I intend on achieving this: These three goals I do not think are going to be that hard to achieve. I did this just last semester. I have always liked going to the gym and eating the same thing every day never bothered me. I ate the same five meals every day and worked out Monday til Saturday almost every day of my last semester. What has been standing in my way currently is how unstructured I have been. Once I get into a groove with uni work again, this will most certainly fall into place. 

Mental wellbeing

1. Get off Instagram.
2. Meditate for at least 5-10 minutes every day/every other day.
3. Go for a walk every day/every other day.
4. Fix my sleep schedule.

How I intend on achieving 1): I am already off most social medias, only use Snapchat and Messenger to talk to friends and family. I have shook the habit of using twitter fully. Instagram has been slowly creeping into my life recently. I intend on getting off Instagram the same way I got off Twitter: simply deleting the app. 

2) & 3): I intend on using negative thoughts as a cue to either get outside or meditate. I used to meditate semi-regularly before going to bed, which was great. Looking forward to getting back into it again. 

 

I will try to post updates as regularly as I am able to. Ideally I would post every day with an update as to why I have/have not worked towards achieving my goals. 

[Metanoia]

Last night I did not go to bed on time and therefore overslept - luckily it is Sunday. It is currently 19:47 as I write this and thus far I have: been to uni for a few hours (not as productive as I had hoped, but it is a start), had 4/5 meals and been on a walk. I have obviously done other things but none that are relevant to my goals. I intend on stretching and meditating before bed, so those two will be checked off as well. (EDIT: Also, I deleted Instagram.)

I have learned that doing problem questions is more difficult than I had first imagined. Additionally, for some incredibly irritating reason, the books mainly write at great length about the history and theory of whatever we're learning at one given week, and the worksheets mainly consist of mathematical problems which, at least to my knowledge, are not covered in the books. Obviously this is because the person that makes the worksheets is not the author of the textbook - but it would be nice if the lecturer actually read the textbook as well so that they could tailor the worksheets to the assigned reading. Honestly if there is such a discrepancy between the contents of the assigned reading and what the worksheets (and in turn the exams) require of us, then I do not really see the point of reading the textbooks at all. 

Additionally, I have been mentally obsessing over this "friend" of mine. We used to live together a few years back, and have kept in touch through a group chat with other friends. Last summer we had planned a group vacation together, and after only a few days I realised that I do not really like that person very much at all. I think the only reason I thought I liked him before going on that vacation was because I had forgotten how it was like to live with him. He's a know-it-all-type, always has to be right, always has to argue about everything. At times he even started arguing with himself: he would make a statement, the group with kind of ignore him because they all knew where it was leading, he would take that as them disagreeing with him (even though nobody said much of anything at all), and then he'll start debating. Weird. 

The reason he has been stuck in my head recently is because I felt like he would always pick on me. Not pick on me in the literal sense, but whenever we would start arguing - even if the argument we were having would be one which the answer is purely up to personal interpretation/subjective experience - he would eventually being to make fun of my intelligence. He would call me stupid, say I am all brawn and no brains, or make some face or gesture etc. It has really been bothering me, I am struggling to stop thinking about those comments. I hate that I did not stand up for myself more. I would try to reason with him, or simply just not engage, but I believe thats just how he is. If you do not agree with him or do not engage him he will take that as an invitation to "do more". There are plenty of other reasons why I don't necessarily like him, but those are neither here nor there. This aspect of him in particular has been bothering me, and I am glad the only contact I have with him is through that group chat. I have, however, decided that if by some "miracle" I end up on a vacation with him again he will not be treating me like that. 

Edited October 1, 2023 by Metanoia
Comment.

[Metanoia]

Day three has been pretty great. I slept like a baby after meditating and stretching last night. This morning I slept in an hour past my alarm, which was alright actually since I did not have anything to attend this morning. I have spent most of my day at uni, managed to catch up on a few lectures and done some problem questions as well. I intend on making Quizlet flash cards for each unit I am taking once I am fully caught up, and using them to refresh my memory once or twice a week just to make sure the material from week A stays fresh even during week K.

I have been to the gym today as well. After coming home from uni to eat and relax for about an hour/hour and a half, I packed my gym bag and went back to uni to study for another hour or so before going to the gym. Luckily my university has a gym which closes at 11. I even ended my workout with 10 minutes on the elliptical and I never do cardio! I also ate all 5 meals as well.

So far the only things I have not done are medicating and stretching, my scheduled bedtime is in about 15 minutes so I am going to do that now. Tomorrow I have lectures starting at 10am, so I will actually be up at 08:30 this time. It is a bit odd that waking up early is so much easier once you have something you need to do, as opposed to something you want to do. Either way, I am not complaining.

I realize this might all be a sudden surge of motivation and that in the future (perhaps tomorrow), performing to this level will not be as easy as it was today. I am hoping that might not be the case, but I know that hope is unrealistic. Things will get harder and my motivation will fade eventually, that is inevitable- all I can do is prepare for that day to come. In the meantime I will utilize the time I have with this motivation as best as I possibly can.

I read this quote the other day and thought it was inspiring (although friends I have shared it with found the quote depressing), thought I would share it with all of you. Hopefully someone here draws the same inspiration from it as I did:

"Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting."
-Haruki Murakami.
 

[Metanoia]

Today was a good day. I got up around 08:30, attended my lecture at 10am and actually felt like I was understanding what the lecturer was talking about throughout the entire 1hr 45min lecture. You know that feeling when you are listening to the lecturer speak and looking at the power point wondering, "what is going on right now?". That usually happens to me at least one or two times throughout a lecture, but not this time. It felt great. Afterwards one of my friends started talking about how he did not understand x thing the lecturer taught us, and I managed to explain it to him without even thinking about it.

After my lecture I went to study with my uni friends, but eventually realized that we were not being productive. We usually open the relevant material on our laptops, read a line or two and then chit chat and lose track of time. Once I realized, I pictured myself having to write the following in this thread:

"Today started out well. I woke up on time, went to my lectures, but ended up wasting too much time chit chatting with my uni friends after the lecture that I neither did any work, nor had time to workout/that I had to choose if I wanted to spend my time catching up on uni work or go to the gym."

That really set things into perspective, so I went to work by myself in the silent study area, and by 4pm I had fully caught up on one of my units. I feel like my understanding of the unit is still a bit shabby, but at least I have laid the foundation. The next step for this unit is to make flash cards out of my notes (there are some definitions and formulas that just do not come intuitively to me), and work on more difficult problem questions. The making of flash cards definitively will not take too long, which is good since I have got to start catching up on another unit tomorrow as well. I am feeling optimistic.

Just like yesterday, I have done essentially everything I planned. I am having my last meal after writing this, then I will stretch, meditate and go to bed. Oh and also: I have got a date next Tuesday! Super excited. Wish me luck.

 

[Metanoia]

Bit of a shorter update for today, not too too much to report on. I have done essentially everything I set out to do today: all meals consumed, been to the gym, no scrolling on instagram/facebook, went to uni and worked on some problem questions. I finished making flash cards on Quizlet, after which I did some problem questions for the unit I had caught up on. It is all a lot clearer now. However: I am noticing a dip in my efficiency/workload. I did not start catching up on another unit either. The fire that I felt in the beginning is starting to fade. I was getting distracted and lost focus a little bit easier than yesterday. I anticipated this though. Will keep pushing.

As per usual I plan on meditating and stretching before bed, might have a cup of tea between then and now, how knows. I woke up today with a sore throat and it has been bothering me all day. Hopefully I am not going to get any worse. I also started having thoughts of lust today. I usually have those daily, but ever since my first post on Sunday they kind of disappeared. Now that I think about it, today might actually be the first "difficult" day I have had so far. Not difficult in the sense that I was at any point struggling, but there was a bit of resistance at times. Today was just uncomfortable enough to be noticeable, and just uncomfortable enough to have an effect on my output. 

Funny thing is, when I began writing the first sentence, I genuinely had not thought about how my output had been affected by these elements. I had kind of forgotten those points throughout the day when they effected me. This only goes to show how reflecting upon your day can alter your perspective. I will keep the intro the same though, I like the thought of someone reading this and realizing what I just realized at the exact points when I realized. If that makes any sense at all.

Nonetheless I will thrive in the face of adversity. Maybe tomorrow will be 10x worse than today, who knows? Now that I have become aware of my situation I will act appropriately. I will be here updating all of you on how I managed to make it regardless of my circumstances.

[Metanoia]

I did very little work today. After attending my lectures I went to the city to buy some sweaters, time flew and as I got home I realized that I needed to grocery shop as well. After grocery shopping I went home, cooked, ate, and went to uni to try to get some work done before I had to go to the gym - this was around 18:30. I needed to be in the gym by 20:00, or else I would not be able to finish up before they closed. I should have been able to get quite a bit done, but only ended up finishing my notes from a previous lecture on machine learning. About two pages or so.

The one thing I could have done today which would have vastly improved my output, would have been to get up and out of bed once my alarm rang. It rings every morning at 08:45. My lecture today was at 12:00, but I keep turning my alarm off and laying in bed either on my phone or just watching time pass. I could have spent that time productively, but I chose not to. I decided to waste my time doing nothing until I had to get out of bed. Not good.

Other than that everything has been smooth sailing: Eating all five meals is getting easier with each passing day, going to the gym is getting easier also. I look forward to meditating before bed now. The stretching I feel quite indifferent towards, but it has to be done. I still use my phone quite a lot, although I do not use Instagram of Facebook. I am only on Snapchat because that is the one compromise I made so as to not completely cut family and friends off. Plus my older brother has a three month old son now which he sends a lot of videos of. They always make me smile.

Speaking of smiling: this girl I approached last academic year, made eye contact with me at uni today and smiled at me. I found this odd, since we stopped speaking because I felt she was playing extremely hard to get, and did not feel like looks justified having to deal with her attitude. This resulted in (from my perspective), her pretending that I did not exist. If she walked past me with her friends, she would not notice me, we kind of went back to being complete strangers again. Now after all this time that has completely flipped on its head, seemingly out of nowhere. I have changed out my wardrobe, my hair is a lot different from last year, I also carry myself differently now than I did then. I am definitively reading way too much into this. Funny thing is, it happened so fast, and we were both walking in different directions, so I did not even have time to react properly. I looked at her with that same stone cold face I always have when I am wandering through the university. I find that quite funny.

However ladies and gentlemen, lets focus on what actually matters: the date I have on Tuesday. This would be our 2nd date. First date we went to a museum, we hit it off quite well. When I asked for a 2nd date I originally asked to take her to an improv-compedy thing happening on Saturday. She had plans on the weekend, and and suggested Tuesday evening. Since then I have been looking for shows/activities/things to do on a Tuesday that isn't a coffee-date or a meal at a restaurant. I do not do small talk well, but if there is an activity involved I am in my element. Anyways, I have invited her over for wine and pasta. Hilarious, I do not really drink alcohol, know nothing about wine, and eat the same cost to calorie efficient meals every single day. So I have got a thing or two to learn until Tuesday. I am going to spend the weekend looking through pasta recipes, and I will consult with someone/anyone that drinks wine. In hindsight this was a very dumb thing to suggest, and I have been anxiously waiting for her response since I sent the text. But then again, this cannot go wrong, white women looooove pasta and wine.

Furthermore, I have another issue: I live in a small uni dorm with one other person.  He is cool, he is not going to be an issue. But my room is so bare bones it is not even funny. I do not need that much, so therefore I do not have that much. But I definitely need to spruce this place up. I have this "couch" which is like a pull out bed thing, I need to get a load of pillows to actually make it comfortable to sit on. I have had it for over a semester and all this time it has been more of a decorative piece than anything. I am also thinking of getting some of those RGB LED strips because the light in my ceiling is probably as far from romantic as you could get. I need to get some blankets as well. I also need to reorganize my room.

Long story short: I have a lot more on my plate than I had originally hoped. I am both nervous and excited, I hope this goes well. I think I will feel a lot better about this over the weekend once I have made my room less stale. Her and I will cook together, I just need to know the steps by heart, which should not be too difficult. I also need to focus on my uni work and all the other commitments I have made to myself in this thread. This weekend is going to be a hassle, but it will pay off.

[Metanoia]

Let’s not talk about today 

[Metanoia]

Do not worry, I have not given up. Today has been productive, I think? I do not feel that way, however I have quite literally spent 70-80% of my day reading/working through my statistics and machine learning textbook. Because the material is quite tough, I did not get that far, I am roughly 10 pages off from having read two weeks worth of assigned reading. I also taken notes and worked through the exercises from the book. But it does not feel like I have worked hard enough. I am not satisfied.

I have done everything I set out to do: gym/all meals had/studied. All that remains is meditating and stretching. I have however, noticed that I need to start putting my phone away. I use it a lot even though the only apps I have that are worth checking are: Clash of Clans (do not judge), Snapchat and the Facebook Messenger app. I use tinder too, which is a good segue into something I wanted to get off my chest: the 2nd date I had lined up for tomorrow. She cancelled earlier today.

Apparently she had a change of heart and does not see me in "that way" anymore. I have no clue why. I asked if something had happened and she essentially said just that she changed her mind. For some reason her cancelling hurt a lot more than it should have. She was the first one I had been on a date with in a long time that I genuinely enjoyed being around. We hit it off very well also, or at least so I thought. I ended up swiping on tinder for a while after she cancelled, but got this feeling that I should maybe delete the app. I think I might.

I want to work towards using my phone less. I know this app called "Forest" or something like that. The premise is that you get some land in the app, and you can grow different kinds of trees and bushes on said land. However, in order for these to actually grow you need to set a timer on your phone which will essentially disable the device. If you use your phone whilst the timer is still going you will "kill" whatever you started to grow, and will be left with a dead tree/bush on your land.

Anyways, I am off to bed soon. As per usual I will be stretching and meditating before bed. Maybe I will read a book as well, I currently am in the process of reading both "Think and Grow Rich" and "Dantes Inferno". Although I have not picked them up in a while. Goodnight.

[Metanoia]

Not too much to report on today. Had lectures today, been to the gym, had all my meals, going to stretch and meditate after posting this update. I feel like studying has become easier. Reading through the relevant material has become easier, and following along in the lectures as well. Problem questions are still difficult, though.

I got stuck in an elevator today, first time. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, I made a friend whilst in there.

 

[Metanoia]

Today a good friend and colleague passed whilst work. He he was not feeling well and told those he worked with that he needed to go home, on his way up to the locker room he had a heart attack and collapsed. Rest in peace G. You will be missed.

[Metanoia]

I cannot seem to fall asleep. It is currently 01:20, I went to bed about an hour ago or so if I remember correctly. Apologies in advance if this is incoherent, and/or poorly written.

I cannot seem to stop thinking about what happened to G. I picture his last moments, I think about what his family are doing right now. He had a daughter and a wife in Tenerife, and only came to my country to provide for them. You could always catch him on FaceTime with his wife and daughter during our lunch breaks, I think his daughter was around 8 or so. Truly heartbreaking. I wonder what he thought about as he realised he was living his last few minutes. 

Last I spoke to him he was telling me that I should learn this game called backgammon, and that once I come back to work for Christmas break we could play a few games together. I think about that a lot too.

During the daytime I seem to be fine, I do not think about it much. But once my head hits the pillow I start thinking. It happened last night too. I have not had too many deaths in my life, luckily none were close relatives. But no death has felt like this one. I genuinely enjoyed his company at work, I respected him a lot. He always had some great story about something he did or experienced as a younger man, he was funny too. I cannot count how many times I have shown up to work since he started working with us, and actively looked/asked for him - and if he was not working with us that day I would be a bit bummed out.

I will truly miss working with you G. Good night.

Edited October 17, 2023 by Metanoia

[Metanoia]

As it is way past my bedtime I shall keep this brief. Overslept, got to lecture on time, had all meals except one and spent the rest of my day working on a group project due the 30th. We have roughly three tasks left out of 32. If we manage to score above a 90% on this assignment, we can get a B-average with a 50% on our written exam.

I have altered my workout routine so that I am at the gym 3x per week, with a 4th optional day if I have the time. Given that exam season is approaching I thought it better to allocate more time towards my studies, as opposed to being in the gym 5x per week. I rarely manage to do any truly productive work after having been to the gym either. I will be meditating and stretching before bed.

Edited October 19, 2023 by Metanoia
Deleted paragraph questioning why my last post was deleted. Turns out there was a server crash and subsequent data loss.

[Metanoia]

Today, Friday, has been a pretty good day. I woke up and felt energized and ready for the day, but did not get up right away - my lecture was at 10 and I woke up around 07:50. Once I actually attended my econometrics lecture though the tiredness set in. Luckily it was not only me that felt that way. I did however manage to actually try to focus intensely on the lecture for the entire hour and forty-five minutes. After the lecture I had an eye examination; turns out my vision has improved since last! Last examination both my eyes were -1, now my right eye is -0.5 and my left is -0.25. I will be getting my contacts in about a week or so, although I will eventually get glasses. I just need to find a pair that fits my face, I also need to find the pair of glasses - which are out of my price range at the moment.

After the examination I headed home, ate and went to uni to work on the group assignment we have due on the 30th. There were four tasks left to do, and I did three of them. I am meeting my group tomorrow, but I do not intend on doing the last task as I personally feel as though I have done most of the heavy lifting. I do not mind it though as I am not the "best" student in our group, and it felt good to be more useful than the top student we had onboard for once. I plan on showing up, maybe doing some cleanup of our document, ensuring its all in the right format etc. After which I will be going to the silent part of the library to read up on my machine learning course.

Exams are right around the corner and I do not feel like I am nearly as stressed as I should be. I am still behind on my reading and homework, yet I am not worrying at all. My first exam is in late November, along with a graded assignment in my machine learning course. After that I have four exams between the 1st and 15th(?) of December.

I have been to the gym today. I have had all of my meals except one, although I have been snacking so I think I might be close enough to my calorie goal for the day. I do not really track my calories as I do not mind eating the same meals every day, so I rather just make a meal plan which hits my goal and stick to that. This also ensures that I am able to predict my monthly spending on groceries for the entire semester, which is pretty great. The meal I missed was roughly 500 calories, and the lion bar I just had is like 270.

I still need to get ready for bed, stretch and meditate. I plan on waking up around 07:30 tomorrow, will I manage to get out of bed straight away? Find out in my next entry.

Good night random person reading my journal.

[Metanoia]

Today was not really a good day at all. If you were eagerly waiting to figure out if I managed to wake up at 07:30 Saturday morning, I did. But I went back to sleep again, woke up around 11, decided the dream I had been having was so interesting that I went to sleep again and woke up at 13:00. 

I got to uni around 14:00 and stayed there till 19:00. I do not really feel as though any of the time spent at uni was productive at all. I did not get much, if anything done at all. All I did was pretend to do work until a sufficient amount of time has passed, to where I would not feel bad about going home. After coming home I ate and scrolled/wasted time. I have had only 2/4 meals today (I have decided to combine two of my meals so there are 4 in total now). 

It is currently 03:08 Sunday morning. I have done nothing of significance other than waste a perfectly good day. That is fine. It does not matter how many times I lead myself astray, what I care about is how long it takes me to 1) realise, and 2) act. 

One thing I am realising is that I am lonely, I also think I am sad on the inside. I never really project these emotions out into the world when/where others can see them. I prefer to let them fester inside me till I am alone. With regard to the sadness: I am not sure how to explain what it feels like other than “grey”. I do not really feel much of anything when I am left alone. The loneliness however is easier to put into words. I miss the feeling of being loved deeply. I think about it all the time. I have a family, friends etc. and I am in contact with them daily, but it just does not compare.

I have been single now for three years, my first ever real relationship lasted 7 years in total. We were each others first everything, until suddenly that all changed. In retrospect that was a good thing, we were not good for each other. But man if I could go back and relive that time I would. I have dated a bit here and there since then, but nothing really feels the same. I even had a year long “situationship” with a girl, which was fun at the time, but it never felt like it did back then. We still keep in touch, I might see her before the year ends, actually. I keep going in circles where sometimes I hate that I am single and I want to find someone, anyone to waste my time on. Sometimes I realise that if I focus on being the person I want to be for long enough, eventually someone will stumble into my life. Other times I focus on all the things I dislike about myself, and blame them for my situation. I do not really like myself that much. I think that is why I self sabotage so often. 

Realistically I do not have the time nor the funds to sustain a relationship. Especially not in the city I am currently living in. A relationship would not be good for my future either since I need to focus on my studies and fitness goals. I also have monetary goals as well: I want to grow my savings account and I am also investing on the side. A girlfriend would not be a good addition to my life considering the goals I have, not right now at least. 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Metanoia