18g truffles trip report - Absolute solipsism, Insanity, Shadow

[nistake]

Intention: Contemplating some personal issues, God, Love, Death

Location: My apartment

Beginning: Around ~3pm I did some stretching and meditated for 20 minutes. Afterwards I consumed the 18g with lemontek. I didn't feel like just sitting and waiting for it to come on, so I put on some soft dance music and started dancing around. About 40 minutes had passed and to be honest, the come on is kinda blurry. Don't really remember when it hit me, but from what I remember it came on pretty strong. Changed the music, lied down and started contemplating.

Here are the insights in no particular order:

Absolute solipsism: This insight came out of nowhere pretty much, and the reason why it was really strange and shocking is that I didn't even plan to contemplate it. I mean, I thought about it a bit when I watched Leo's episode, but pretty much forgot about it. I thought I had more pressing issues to solve, so the idea to contemplate solipsism didn't even come up in me for this trip. Except it did come up, and it hit me like a freight train. I remember thinking about my family, my dead relatives, my friends, my coworkers and the terrifying insight came that they're all ME. Not my small self, but the singular consciousness (God) is literally dreaming up "my" life and all the "other" people in it. Naturally my ego was freaking out, and I literally felt like dying. I started thinking about my parents and how they're gonna miss me and the sorrow and pain I caused for them, but my mind sort of "switched" and I realized that they're just dream characters in my dream. I tried to fight it, but at the same time I tried to surrender to it. It was really paradoxical and chaotic. Then I started thinking about Love. I remember asking myself: "Okay, everything is ME, I'm all alone, but where is the Love? Even if this is the Truth, I'm supposed to Love myself and all the other fragmanted parts of myself." It was a cul de sac, because the whole insight about being alone and fooling myself believing that there are other actual people was brutal and shocking. Then I started thinking about spiritual teachers, books, NDE-s, podcasts, etc and the conclusion was the same. These things are also my imagination and I dreamed them up to entertain myself. I literally felt like this is game over, the whole jig is up, and I spoilered the meaning of life for myself. This question came up: Oh god, what's next? And the answer was nothing. There I stood, and my jaw dropped because I couldn't believe that this is it. This is awakening. This is realizing that this whole thing that I call "my" life is just a dream. I dreamed everything up just to entertain myself. Every meaning was ripped from me.

Insanity: This happened because of the realization of solipsism. I literally felt like losing my mind. I realized that insanity must be like that, because I had never experienced anything like that before. I started panicking but fortunately, I remembered that I was gonna come down, and my ego was gonna come back. I don't remember how long it lasted, but it felt like years. Also pretty brutal.

Personal shadow stuff: Oh yes, these also came up. I realized that I repressed my desire for sex and pretty much my whole sexuality. I don't want to go into these here, but it was also shocking, because I've been contemplating my sexuality for years now. During the trip I became clear to me that I just played ego games, and there was nothing but repression.

Conclusion: After the trip I was drained and depressed for 2 days. I knew that I needed to take it easy and gave myself space. Didn't do anything for the 2 days, just watched Netflix and played some games. I needed to distract myself. Now I feel a lot better and I already started integrating these insights and I know it's gonna be a lot of work.

Even though the whole trip was brutal and shocking, in retrospect I think that I needed that and it was necessary for me. Now I truly get the meaning of the saying: "The Truth will set you free".
 

[bensenbiz]

My first mushroom trip was quite the ride. It took me a few years to really wrap my head around it - Also the same realizations u got.  After that, I went through this phase where I thought "everything is a joke." Eventually, it hit me that life is here to be enjoyed and to help us become more accepting and loving.

I would have never expected it to be so strong, it was just 1.2g Cubensis

[nistake]

11 minutes ago, bensenbiz said:

it hit me that life is here to be enjoyed and to help us become more accepting and loving.

Yeah, this is exactly what I want to contemplate for my next trip. 

I mean, I know this already intellectually and I pretty much live my life according to that, but I feel like this insight is sort of incomplete for me. I still tend to worry about insignificant mundane things, which robs me of precious life energy.

[Leo Gura]

@nistake Very good! This hard work will set you up nicely in the future for some deep God-Consciousness, Love, and higher things.

It's important to get the freak-out out of the way so you can focus on appreciating the beauty of God.

Edited September 25, 2023 by Leo Gura

[nistake]

@Leo Gura Good to hear, appreciate that.

And yeah, my focus in the future will be definitely God, Beauty and Love.

[vibv]

@nistake If you're beyond the ego stuff absolute solipsism becomes the most beautiful thing ever. Hang in there  

You imagined every character here, that's right, but it gets even weirder, because a higher version of you imagined YOU. And so on to infinity, but on every level there's totally different rules and versions of reality.

To discover that greater version of yourself is most relieving, because you realize that you're not alone - yet you of course are all alone, but it doesn't feel lonely, but more connected than you could ever feel before.

You are watching yourself while you figure this thing out. It's like an enigma. You're a creator in formation.

[vibv]

Every time life throws you a curveball it's a reminder that it's even more beautiful than you thought. But first your current worldview has to be shattered.

[Yimpa]

This trip sounds like my first trip, nice!

Cool 3D artwork by the way 

Edited September 25, 2023 by Yimpa

[Vincent S]

@nistake Beautiful report. Reminds me of my second LSD trip. Very similar insights and awakenings. 
Thanks for sharing  

[manuel bon]

Great trip report, I'm glad you could have such a deep experience; I never went so deep with truffles, probably because I've never had more than 12g...Which strain did you have?

[nistake]

Thanks guys!

1 hour ago, manuel bon said:

Great trip report, I'm glad you could have such a deep experience; I never went so deep with truffles, probably because I've never had more than 12g...Which strain did you have?

Thank you. Funny thing is the strain was Mexicana, which is supposed to be one of the mildest truffles.

[bensenbiz]

5 hours ago, nistake said:

Thanks guys!

Thank you. Funny thing is the strain was Mexicana, which is supposed to be one of the mildest truffles.

be careful for your future trips, you seem also to be pretty sensitive. Less is more

[nistake]

@bensenbiz Yeah, you're right.

Another interesting fact that I had no visuals at all. This was my 2nd trip, but during the 1st trip I didn't have visuals either. Not that I mind, just interesting.

[bensenbiz]

15 hours ago, nistake said:

@bensenbiz Yeah, you're right.

Another interesting fact that I had no visuals at all. This was my 2nd trip, but during the 1st trip I didn't have visuals either. Not that I mind, just interesting.

Also had never visuals, just these geometrical layer, which looks like mosque art.. beautiful actually