1.Demons in Me 2.Healthy Masculinity 3.Psy Trip Reports 4.Sexual vulnerability

[Buck Edwards]

I've realized that the codependency with a pedophile is simply a  form of existential intimacy. 

And I should get rid of it because it doesn't serve my highest purpose. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

And every human relationship is a form of intimacy and we're intimacy driven creatures and intimacy is not only crucial to survival but also crucial to living. Without intimacy you'll die. You'll have serious debilitating mental crisis and problems both emotionally and mentally if you don't have intimacy needs met.. Some form of healthy intimacy would be extremely important. The only way you could live without any intimacy at all would be if you are perfectly unsocial and do not want to be social at all. Or do not enjoy any connection and never feel lonely. This is literally impossible but some people get by living like hermits. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Should I embrace unhealthy intimacies? 

Absolutely no. Never. This is a recipe for further weakening and creating more problems. This will lead to a bigger void and bigger problems. 

Solution? 

Pursue healthy intimacy. Any form of healthy intimacy is good. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

You normalize unhealthy food when that's your only source of food. You normalize unhealthy intimacy when that's your only source of intimacy. 

That's how pedophile abuse works. 

It works by preying on your existential needs. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Sometimes I should embrace my existential animalistic cravings and not feel guilty about it. 

I should remind myself. 

These are just intimacies nothing else. Just intimacies. They have no value beyond that.. 

Even the attraction to a sexual psychopath is simply a way for my mind to feel some intimacy. A security validation based intimacy. Maybe my brain is inherently more masochistic. Some brains are inherently sadistic. 

If you combine a sadistic brain with a masochistic brain, BOOM, you got unhealthy intimacy there. They are polar opposites to each other. Both need the intimacy of the other to feel fulfilled. Both are seeking each other's validation. You want to please the sadist. They want to know they can have perfect control over you. It's a sexual symbiotic relationship. 

What's the goal? 

You want security and validation. And survival too. So this is deeply existential. They want power and control. It gives them the feeling of security of holding someone they want to completely dominate. They feel good that they can wield that sort of power and take absolute trust from you. 

I think the way I have this child complex. They might have a parent complex. Having someone to control gives them that fulfilling feeling like they are in control of everything. Only a highly controlling person would do this. They want everything under them. This is their way of feeling secure and wanted and depended on. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Buck Edwards said:

Sometimes I should embrace my existential animalistic cravings and not feel guilty about it. 

I should remind myself. 

These are just intimacies nothing else. Just intimacies. They have no value beyond that.. 

Even the attraction to a sexual psychopath is simply a way for my mind to feel some intimacy. A security validation based intimacy. Maybe my brain is inherently more masochistic. Some brains are inherently sadistic. 

If you combine a sadistic brain with a masochistic brain, BOOM, you got unhealthy intimacy there. They are polar opposites to each other. Both need the intimacy of the other to feel fulfilled. Both are seeking each other's validation. You want to please the sadist. They want to know they can have perfect control over you. It's a sexual symbiotic relationship. 

What's the goal? 

You want security and validation. And survival too. So this is deeply existential. They want power and control. It gives them the feeling of security of holding someone they want to completely dominate. They feel good that they can wield that sort of power and take absolute trust from you. 

I think the way I have this child complex. They might have a parent complex. Having someone to control gives them that fulfilling feeling like they are in control of everything. Only a highly controlling person would do this. They want everything under them. This is their way of feeling secure and wanted and depended on. 

 

In both cases, the two participants involved in this weird sexual structure are trying to meet each other's needs by mutual feeding on each other. I'll simply call it intimacy hunting. Both are looking to fulfill their intimacy needs depending on the structure of their brain scan. Their brain scans will reveal that different brains are wired different with respect to basic sexual arousal instinct and response to sexual stimuli. 

I shouldn't freak out too much. It's just different sexual brains. 

Embrace your inner animal and don't fret it too much or feel guilty. 

It's nothing evil as long as you are aware of what you are doing. And awareness alone is curative. Once you're aware of such things you'll know how to control it and not let it get the better of you. 

When something controls you, it can do the unthinkable to you. For example addiction. But when you become aware of it, you start controlling it and it will never get the better of you. It cannot worsen you.

[Buck Edwards]

So the demon in me are animalistic victim intimacy desires. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

This brings an end to one of my greatest moral conflicts. Regarding evil. Evil is simply intimacy. There is nothing else to it. It's just like cancer. 

And who does cancer invade? 

Cancer invades susceptible people. 

Evil intimacy invades people with Child Complexes. Now  I understand the Watts scenario. 

Gradually everything is getting clearer. 

I have a child complex. That's why I'm attracted to psychopaths. Because only psychopaths have the skill to manipulate children. To make them feel good. 

You'll need higher intelligence to deal with children. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Psychopaths are highly intelligent people. Some of them even become shrinks. 

It takes low intelligence to have a child complex. Innocence. Naivete. This comes naturally to people like me. 

People with a psychopathic parent complex tend to create a diametrically opposite polarity with people who are somewhat dimwit. 

Also someone psychologically fragile like me. It's easy to control. 

This could also mean that at least one parent must have been a psychopath. 

I can't believe the revelations I'm arriving at. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I'll most likely get attracted to cult leaders and cults. Because cult leaders are generally psychopaths. 

[Buck Edwards]

This is a rabbit fox kinda situation. I have a rabbit complex. Someone with a fox complex will find me very attractive. 

This circles back to the original story of Mr Fox.. 

I'll attract a steady supply of foxes before I develop the brains and skills to ward them off for good. 

I think this is the genetic wiring of the brain leading to such intimacies. 

But something that Leo said fits into this picture. 

Leo talked about burning of the karma. 

If I burn my karma sufficiently with a mock fox, then I won't have to deal with real life foxes anymore.

This all ties into existential, primal, primordial, animalistic, reptilian, karmic (from past lives) Axis. This should be another ASPECT MINOR.

 

I'm just relieved that I have finally become aware of my demons and that it won't lead to anything worse. It's simply intimacy. Just like masturbation. 

Years ago when I was going through puberty, I felt extremely nervous and guilty for masturbating for the first time. I remember that. 

Once I understood it's just masturbation, I stopped panicking, embraced it and pretty much got a hold on it. 

Once you know how to tame a snake, it can't attack you anymore. 

Once you are aware of your demons, they can't attack you anymore. 

 

Edited September 27, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Why was Michael Jackson always attracted to child like innocence?

Notice how Jackson never had to go to prison. Just like Russell Brand? 

Yet Watts had to rot in prison. 

Children suffer. Pedophiles don't. 

The ultimate suffering a pedophile or master manipulator can inflict on you is to make you commit a crime for them. Capitalize on your weakness. Push you into doing things you never thought you could be capable of. Infect you with their psychopathy. 

Completely dominate you and subjugate and sabotage you. 

When your life is controlled by a sexual sadist, it will never be the same.

 

Edited September 27, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I'm sick of twisted people like Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson and Russell Brand. 

They get away with abusing children and women and innocence in general. 

 

They remind me of the people who did the same to me when I was a child. 

 

Edited September 27, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I notice that I always have the need to be a victim in every situation. 

And I rarely take responsibility. 

 

Maybe I suffer from the Cinderella Complex. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

To my ex. 

I love you. You brought a lot of my shadows and repression to the surface. 

You made me vulnerable and open up. 

I'm sorry I was so attached to you. I was madly in love. In a sea of hopelessness, you were my flashlight. 

I'm extremely sorry that I played games. Tricked you. I didn't mean to. I simply didn't know better. 

I wish things were different and I was more fruitful to you. I wish I was more honest with you. But I have problems being entirely honest.

Forgive me. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

To my ex 

I am not perfect. Yet I'm trying to get better everyday. I still cannot guarantee. You have taught me a lot of things that humbled me. You shed light on my weaknesses. You were my healer. 

I'll always love you. Even if you don't believe me. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

At the end of the day there is grace. 

At the end of the day there is elegance. 

At the end of the day there is hope

At the end of the day there is vulnerability 

At the end of the day there is acceptance 

At the end of the day there is strength 

 

[Buck Edwards]

5 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

At the end of the day there is grace. 

At the end of the day there is elegance. 

At the end of the day there is hope

At the end of the day there is vulnerability 

At the end of the day there is acceptance 

At the end of the day there is strength 

 

This will be my prayer whenever I'm faced with hate and loss. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Be calm. Everything is gonna be alright. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I think Russell Brand is showing a lot of arrogance. Not being fair to his victims. This doesn't look good on him. He needed to be upfront about all the wrong doing. He should have given closure to his victims. They deserve it. 

Reminds me of the pedophile who will never give me closure on what I went through. 

Always dismissal dismissal dismissal. 

Typical of such people. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 27, 2023 by Buck Edwards