1.Demons in Me 2.Healthy Masculinity 3.Psy Trip Reports 4.Sexual vulnerability

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Buck Edwards said:

A toxic person is toxic. But they may have something valuable to offer just like Andrew Tate. 

This is what happens when you find something corrupted and you consume it whole in its absolute form. 

The reason you get trapped in a relationship with a pedophile is the same reason you believe Andrew Tate is a great guy. 

Your mind and heart lives in scarcity. The human mind has an exceptional ability to survive almost anything and everything. Either by fighting or by coping. 

So what you cannot fight, you begin to cope. 

Although your survival mindset can help you remain complacent with your current circumstances, the  scarcity mindset doesn't allow you to see bigger  better opportunities. 

You don't need the pedophile. See? 

He conditioned your mind to think that you need him for survival. You can decondition yourself from this mindset. 

Although such things don't become immediately clear. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

The whole moral conflict 

... 

How do you transition from your sexual depravity to a better future? 

You have to deprogram and  reprogram yourself to things you deserve but don't quite get to experience or see. 

If you liked an aspect of your depraved relationship, you'll find those aspects in bigger better healthier relationships too. These relationships can also have those components in them. Like I said before you can isolate the strains. You don't have to drink muddy water because you found some mineral in it. You can isolate that particular mineral and add it to pure water, voila!! And you get the same benefits minus the toxicity. 

Desperation and neediness and helplessness are components of the scarcity mindset and not of the beauty mindset. In beauty mindset, you become whole and perfect. You look for something you absolutely deserve. You look beyond yourl  league. You set higher standards. You set your sights on something more whole and perfect. You don't settle for something less. Settling for things that degrade your worth, value, heart, emotion, integrity is a sign of a scarcity mindset impacted by victimhood and feeling miserable/weak. 

(26)

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Scarcity mindset is a coping mechanism that causes you to override moral conflicts 

Any kind(absolutely any) of moral conflicts can be dissolved or overlooked when you give into scarcity mindset and coping mechanisms. 

When you are faced with the challenges of survival and degradation, your mind begins to create mindsets to cope with it. 

These form a complex array of mindsets that help with coping and surviving, once formed and forged in the brain especially in the teenage years of life, they are difficult to unravel or decondition or  recondition. Awareness is key. Once you are aware of things that are holding your energy back, you can start working on them. You can get out of this hell hole your mind generated and preserved for your survival. You don't have to remain in it forever. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Don't settle for morally corrupted and corrupting stuff. 

You settle for low morals because you think you won't deserve any better. You think this is your doomed fate you gotta live with. 

If something doesn't feel right, most likely it isn't. 

You are simply trapped and locked. You are flawed. But these flaws are seriously eroding your genuine potential and goodness inherent in you. You are depriving yourself of the greater good that you can have access to if you unlock your mind and think of the possibility of such a "greater good."

People rot their lives in scarcity mindsets. 

My upbringing was miserable and hopeless. Always knowing that I never deserved anything better. 

 

        Survival Mode 

 

The Victim Cancer. 

What I suffer from is the Victim Cancer. 

When you are suffering deeply from a Victim Cancer, it's difficult and it keeps metastasizing. 

What are aspects of a victim cancer? 

 

I'm a victim of a pedophile who has groomed me in my teenage years to believe that I deserve nothing better than the fate I've been subscribed to. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

What are aspects of a victim cancer? 

 

I'm a victim of a pedophile who has groomed me in my teenage years to believe that I deserve nothing better than the fate I've been subscribed to. 

What has already happened cannot be undone. It cannot be removed. It cannot be erased. Even the effects are debilitating. 

What mindsets do we cultivate as victims when we suffer victim cancer?

 

> We live in survival mode. Emotionally starved mode.

 

> We internalize blame. (I must have done something to deserve pedophilia. I'm not good enough. I'm to be blamed. It's all my fault. If something bad happened to me, it's my fault. I brought it on myself) 

 

> We couldn't have done better. 

 

> our victimhood metastasizes. 

 

> we rely on fake intimacy. 

 

> Codependency. This codependency mimics intimacy. 

 

> We think only survival matters. We don't look for anything beyond survival.. If we somehow survive under the pedophile, we did a good job and this is the only thing we focus on. Damaged mind. Damaged by the pedophile. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I've extensively described the nature of fake intimacy and how demonic it can be and what sort of demons you get infected with in the previous posts of this journal. 

How fake intimacy keeps you in a permanent cycle of deprivation and self destruction. 

How it blocks you from experiencing real and genuine intimacy and thus keeps you suffering from a host of mental disorders and mindsets that might take a lifetime to get rid of. I described the nature of these mental issues and the problem of Chronic Crisis and long term debilitation, lack of fulfillment. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

What are aspects of a victim cancer? 

 

I'm a victim of a pedophile who has groomed me in my teenage years to believe that I deserve nothing better than the fate I've been subscribed to. 

What has already happened cannot be undone. It cannot be removed. It cannot be erased. Even the effects are debilitating. 

What mindsets do we cultivate as victims when we suffer victim cancer?

 

> We live in survival mode. Emotionally starved mode.

 

> We internalize blame. (I must have done something to deserve pedophilia. I'm not good enough. I'm to be blamed. It's all my fault. If something bad happened to me, it's my fault. I brought it on myself) 

 

> We couldn't have done better. 

 

> our victimhood metastasizes. 

 

> we rely on fake intimacy. 

 

> Codependency. This codependency mimics intimacy. 

 

> We think only survival matters. We don't look for anything beyond survival.. If we somehow survive under the pedophile, we did a good job and this is the only thing we focus on. Damaged mind. Damaged by the pedophile. 

 

 

 

> constant emotional exhaustion. Cannot fight the pedophile. He takes away your strength through constant manipulation and threats.

> Dependency for survival 

> I am never good enough 

> low self esteem 

> this is what I deserve 

> moral corruption. You engage in deception, manipulation, lies to please or escape the pedophile. 

> I can never hope for better things 

> coddling mistaken as affection and intimacy 

> fake intimacy and the reliance on this fake food 

> constant deprivation. Long term depression. 

> stunted growth 

> chronic crisis 

> something is better than nothing mindset 

> Always living in fear 

> always wanting seeking validation of the pedophile / groomer 

> scarcity mindsets. Always settling for low quality treatment. Sexual degradation. Sexual dehumanization. Not finding a problem with it. Low quality sex fueled relationships. Not finding it disgusting. Getting immune or used to it. This will need intense sex therapy to get it removed from the brain.

>  trying to please the pedophile 

> complacency with low quality circumstances. Not trying to fight or change them. Even finding peace with them. Copium. 

> high standards for yourself look impossible or undeserving. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Survivor's Guilt 

When you go throw a situation like that and you see another person who was previously trapped along with you and then you see them succumb to those circumstances, you suffer something called The Survivor's Guilt. This leads to constant excessive feelings of guilt combined with self pity and the metastasizing of Victim Cancer. 

You outlived another victim of pedophilia. That makes you feel guilty for having survived. 

[Buck Edwards]

 

PEDOPHILIA IS NOT LOVE 

(AND DON'T BELIEVE IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU IT IS LOVE) 

 

STAGE RED ELEMENTS

 

SURVIVAL    COPIUM   SCARCITY 

 

IF YOU CAN'T TRANSCEND STAGE RED, YOU CANNOT FLOURISH AT HIGHER STAGES. YOU CANNOT EVEN DREAM OF DOING SOMETHING BETTER WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU CANNOT BE STAGE TURQUOISE IF YOUR STAGE RED NEEDS AREN'T MET. 

I still have mental barriers that make me accept pedophilia as love. I need freedom from these barriers. 

 

Recovery from addiction and substance abuse 

Recovery from scarcity mindset 

Recovery from Pedophilia 

 

GROW FLOURISH MATURE TRANSCEND 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Transcending stage red means fulfilling and completing your stage red needs. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I need to sort this sex chapter part of my life for good. I don't want to stay stuck in this dirty rut for too long. I want to move on to better pursuits and things suited to my journey. 

Regarding my controversial sexual behavior - I enjoy weird sexual desires and violent sex. Opening up about it needs bravery and self honesty. All of my emotions regarding sex are a result of the pedophilia I suffered at age 14.

Come through and through. Don't hide anymore. I felt repressed at the time. I felt like I could tell nobody about my sexual past. I felt exploited. 

I have partially dealt with the difficult subject of sex but there was very little improvement towards moving to healthier organic versions of sex.. I suffered guilt (not guilty pleasure kind of guilt). I suffered guilt and shame (self shame) that I was holding onto these weird ideas around sex. That I never thought of enjoying sex normally the way other people do. In my sex world there were always hidden masochistic forces and imagery of violence. Yea some of it can be embraced or dismissed as "just sexual nature" or slightly tangent sexual behavior, but I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I'm not satisfied thinking that this is just that. There must be something more to depraved sexual fetishes too. 

 

I'm being abnormally vulnerable in this journal, forgive me. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I'll need extensive sex therapy to undo some of the harm done by whatever happened to me at 14.

I didn't deserve what I was subjected to. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My autism made it harder for me to resist the pedophile. It's like with autism you can't draw clear boundaries between right and wrong. Your judgement and discernment are screwed in autism. Everything goes over your head or it simply doesn't figure. The autism struggle is real. It can fuck you in many many ways. My autism was quite severe in my childhood as well as teenage years and it remained undiagnosed back then.

Today when I look back on my teenage self, I realize how fucked up everything was. My autism would passively accept everything as ok. With autism there's diminished critical thinking and so lot of things don't appear as objectively WRONG. 

You need assistance with every little thing when you are severely autistic or even moderately so. All your thoughts and interpretations are garbled. 

You won't know if someone did wrong to you. Friends would insult me and it wouldn't register as an insult. This half witted dim witted kind of existence where there was a passive acceptance of everything as a blank. Nothing. Empty. Blank. Blank head. Nothing ever registered. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

What autism feels like. 

 

 

 

It's always that blank expression. 

 

 

 

With autism there are also emotional intelligence related challenges. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I had mentally ill parent growing up. 

When you have a mentally ill parent it's a double whammy. You not only have to deal and cope with a mentally ill parent but you even need to deal with all kinds of diseases they passed on to you. 

I know I am a bit fucked up. But I didn't sign up for this at birth. I didn't say that I wanted to be this way. I had been dealt a bad hand and I had no option but to play the hand I was dealt. 

[Buck Edwards]

How to deal with such things? 

First thing to do is subscribe to recovery programs. Extensive therapies. 

Recovery from substance abuse 

Recovery from Pedophilic Trauma 

Recovery from Autism 

 

 

 

Guide resources. Coaches. 

Meds 

Psychedelic assisted psychotherapy treatments 

Join support groups 

Psych wards aren't a great idea. They are messy. 

Join communities that care. 

Open up. Be vulnerable. Seek intimacy in other ways. 

A community feeling is a good feel. 

Have a close but uptight circle of friends. No drama friends. 

put your money where your mouth is. 

 

 

Look for genuine intimacy. Remove sources of fake intimacy from your life. They clog the recovery channel in your body. 

 

Distinct forms of intimacies. 

The Succubus brain and the Fragile Brain 

Animalistic intimacy 

Emotional intimacy 

Commitment intimacy 

Therapeutic intimacy 

Samaritan intimacy 

 

I'm telling you to become a stronger man for your own good. You will never find a man who will say "Yea bro, I'm a victim." It's simply against masculinity. Basic masculinity lies in taking charge. Basic masculinity lies in saying - "I'm stronger than this and I won't be defeated. I'll defeat this." The male brain wants to be the winner in every situation and paradigm. Victimhood is sometimes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you think you aren't good enough, you'll begin to believe that. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

. 

Forced intimacy. 

Pedophile intimacy 

Victim intimacy 

Strong sense of security. 

Like a contract. Validation contract.

 

Resentment, anger or you can blame yourself and feel guilty. You don't want to live in that angry frame. You don't want to forgive the pedophile. So you're stuck. Emotional dilemma. You simply have to avoid such people in the future as much as possible.. 

The main reason why you blame yourself is because blaming the pedophile is pointless as they are never going to be punished or even dealt with. So the mind returns to  blaming the self. You feel ashamed of yourself. So it's a shame based guilt. 

Past life regression and repressed memories. How would you know about a crime? Vivid detail. 

Pedophiles, psychopaths, abusers, sociopaths. 

Forgiveness, understanding, compassion and empathy for a pedophile. 

Different brain scans will reveal different intimacies. 

Only pedophilia can be the root cause of deviant victim intimacy. 

I can also call it normalized intimacy. 

More like a contract based security. 

I can also call it groomer intimacy. 

 

 

 

There's deep deep deep codependency. A feeling of weakness. The groomer is also a controller. You seek some sort of refuge and security in this control. I can also call it validation intimacy. You are addicted to validation.

 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Move towards healthy masculinity. That's was going to be one of the talking points of this journal. 

Someone called me a simp lol. I'll take it. 

I'm the last person to be a simp. Never simped anyone, except maybe Leo sometimes. My ego is headstrong. Although I do suffer low self esteem intermittently. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not gonna lie, being called a simp hurts. 

 

 

 

 

3 more things 

Cultivate emotional intelligence 

Live life forward 

Be open to all kinds of perspectives and possibilities. True openness. Be experiment. Sugar spice kind of thing. 

Be Humble when it comes to knowing 

You're the engineer of your own life 

 

 

Terrence McKenna and Alan Watts 

 

 

One way versus two way communication

 

 

 

This will need bravery, honesty and personal responsibility and ownership. 

 

 

Also another tool you can use 

 

Psychoanalysis is pretty much like shadow work but might involve even greater levels of self honesty and critical self investigation and the ability to confront oneself despite the ego resistance and the awkwardness in admitting wrong things. The ability to be fully upfront might help. This needs some degree of fearlessness where the fear of anticipating punishment might be diminished.. 

 

 

What happens if you are raised and controlled by a psychopath. (do this on Fridays)

You aren't attracted to a psychopath. You are simply engaging in that intimacy.. 

 

Animalistic aspects of life. 

 

Bad karma generally manifests as evil..

 

AIDS - acquired immuno deficiency syndrome. 

An emotional psychological form of AIDS is AIDS - acquired intimacy deficiency syndrome. 

Human birth happens by sexual reproduction. Any reproductive activity is intimate or rooted in intimacy. A man lives by intimacy till the time of his death. It's extremely difficult to be completely devoid of any intimacy in life unless you appreciate living in complete social isolation and simply enjoy lack of human social connection. I have difficulty finding such an example. Who could be this unsocial that they can go through an entire lifetime without an ounce of intimacy? 

Absence of intimacy in life is highly dangerous. It leads to depression, lack of motivation, chronic crisis. It's similar to AIDS infection. You eventually weaken and die.

Simply put, it's not healthy to live without intimacy. 

We have both moral, beautiful and animalistic aspects of life. On the color wheel you should line up all the minor, major and fundamental aspects. 

Why did I feel okay living with a pedophile and what can I do about it? 

I have to come to terms with my existence with a pedophile after many years of trying to process this incident in my life. I have understood that acceptance is the key. 

We can't be pure as saints. This is human existence. There are all kinds of things. We live in the ambit of moral principles and ethics that are enforced by social laws. We can also do this naturally and that's called conscience. 

However what I have found in my analysis of sexual psychopathy and with such advancements in psychology, it's getting better and better with things that were impossible to discuss a century ago. Thanks to modern literature it's possible now to have a grasp of the human mind and it's idiosyncratic behavior. 

The Child Complex. 

I think somewhere in the middle of dealing with a pedophile I developed something that might be called a Child Complex. I became too immature, docile. I became like a robot. The only way to operate me was through a set of instructions. Children are incapable of telling right from wrong. I think I went through something similar. 

This can happen if you have been dominated and controlled by a sexual psychopath for a long time. You are dumbed down by the psychopath. This introduces into your character the factor of docility and passivity, vulnerability, innocence and a child like infancy. I'll call this bundle "fragility." 

This fragility is extremely (and I mean extremely) attractive to a psychopath. It's like moth to a flame or ants to honey. It's literally sugar to a psychopath who are ready to feast on it. 

The older man is just salivating and masturbating realizing the kick he is going to get out of tricking someone into illicit sex. He doesn't have a conscience in that moment. His reptilian instincts take over. He is in a sexual ecstacy, out of control. He is overtaken and consumed by his predator instinct, he wants that power in the moment. He wants to fuck the boy so bad and groom him. This is a total power move and this structure is absolutely important in keeping his dick gratified long term. It's also a big boost to his ego. You see psychopaths are driven by ego needs. 

Why does a 14 year old live with a pedophile? 

The answer is a bit complex. It's because of fragility. The fragility in me attracted the older man. This triggered his predatory instincts. I was attracted to, due to my child complex. I found him domineering. His manipulation and control worked. 

 

Watts boy also had a child complex. 

Even James Safechuck. 

 

Male sexual health 

Don't watch porn. Don't do no fap. Don't do anything. That's the best. Just be. 

 

 

Sexual is Emotional. Sex = emotions. 

Ego = emotions 

 

Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a clear memory of what happened to me at 14. It's hazy. There was sexual abuse. But I don't remember a clear sexual assault or when it happened exactly. 

Sometimes I think this could be repressed memories. Maybe I was sexually traded/exploited/assaulted  in my past birth. And I'm experiencing the after effects of it in this birth as I'm slowly unraveling the repressed memories. Since I vividly remember what a sexual assault and grooming experience feels like. Yet I can't pin point specifically when it happened.

All I can say is that it's firmly lodged in my subconscious and continuously triggers memories and weird fetishes in me. 

There is no point in asking myself why I continued to be in a relationship with a pedophile. There will never be a perfect answer. 

The question should not be why. The question should not exist. There is no reason why evil exists in this world or if it's even necessary. It's like asking why does cancer exist? The answer simply isn't there. You can't ask such a question. It is simply there. We simply accept cancer. 

Similarly evil exists and we simply accept evil. All forms of it. Why does pedophilia exist? Pedophilia exists and we accept pedophilia. All forms of it. 

 

Is pedophilia a very dangerous thing? 

The answer is a resounding yes. It is absolutely. Why? It turns you out all fucked up. It messes up your sexuality and makes it okay for you to feel like a victim. You can develop hate and anger issues. You could feel humiliated, dumbed down, depressed. Controlled. Manipulated. 

It can normalize sexual exploitation in the mind of the victim. 

I'll use the word exploitation here on. 

Sexual exploitation can cause lasting damage. It can make it sound okay to be beaten up, to be brutalized and controlled and treated like trash or coddled like a sex object/item. 

 

Pedophile colony dreams. 

I had a dream where I was walking through an alley in a pedophile colony and I was naive, young teenager. And there were much older men lining up that colony and alley. They were all standing peeping out of the doors, some were standing outside their doors, looking, watching my every move, gesticulating. Waving at me. Smiling. Some were stern. Lascivious looks. Then one of them held my hand and touched my head. Pulled me inside and shut the door. Then I was told to do things I didn't want to. The semen was all over me. I felt like a piece of meat. Like trash. I felt objectified. I was at their mercy. They kissed my ears. They told me it's okay. Everything is okay. They also threatened me to not tell anyone about it. I felt weak, fragile and disoriented. I felt ashamed. I felt degraded. Humiliated. Touched. Fondled. They weren't pedophiles. They were crocodiles. My pain and suffering was their pleasure. My silence and compliance was their victory. My submission was their goal. It felt like a goat being sacrificed at the slaughter. I was mocked, ridiculed, made to eat weird things, spat at, slapped,choked. They wouldn't kill me. Then they would touch me in strange places and ask me if I was horny. Then they would insert themselves till they felt gratified. Rubbing me. Touching me. Fondling me. Kissing me. Licking me. Holding me. I was uncomfortable. Then they would tell me that it's ok and I should enjoy it. I didn't really enjoy. But I would feel horny. After they were done, I would feel tired, weak and fall asleep with a lot of semen everywhere. 

They acted like they cared about me but in a weird way. They were polite. But lewd. They reminded me of someone like Bill Clinton. 

They told me that if I did sexual favors for them then I'll be in their good books for a long time. And if I didn't, then I will fall out of favor with them. They were luring, baiting, blackmailing, enticing and wanted me to feel horny on cue. 

They didn't have an ounce of guilt on their faces and they looked worn out and shitty. 

 

Sex is nothing. 

Sex is nothing. 

Sex is nothing. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Finally I can think again. 

511..561

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Distinct forms of intimacies. 

The Succubus brain and the Fragile Brain 

Animalistic intimacy 

Emotional intimacy 

Commitment intimacy 

Therapeutic intimacy 

Samaritan intimacy 

 

 

511..561

 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Buck Edwards