1.Demons in Me 2.Healthy Masculinity 3.Psy Trip Reports 4.Sexual vulnerability

[Buck Edwards]

This guy just rocks. I wanna sit with him some day and trip on mushrooms. 

 

 

 

 

I think during a trip I might visit some of my pedophile related memories. 

 

Edited September 23, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

My next pickup line. I'm known for cheesy pickup lines with my exes. 

My new pickup line - I like you because you look like a pudding.  Delicious. Mm. 

[Buck Edwards]

Along with schizoid disorder I've also been found to exhibit masochistic behaviors. 

 

Edited September 23, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

To my ex - I wasn't the best person to you. I love you infinitely and more. I know that I'm never deserving of you. Forgive me. At the same time, I'm trying although slowly to change myself. To be a worthy person. I'm guilty of everything I did. I'm guilty of hurting you deeply and not caring about your feelings. Please give me some credit, at least I'm trying. 

Our relationship was beautiful even though it was short lived. You meant an awful lot to me. And I seriously say this. And no, it wasn't just for sex. I'm not weird like that. I'm not some sex addict or sex weirdo. I'm just decent, plain and I was both sexually and emotionally attracted to you. I felt like you made me complete and whole. 

Just peep into my heart and you'll only see my loving self. I loved you beyond my self. My only mistake is that I went about it unethically and ended up hurting you without the intent for it. 

I know that you find it hard to forgive me. 

The relationship wasn't in vain. I learned an awful lot from it. About a lot of things and my own shadows were exposed in the relationship. 

You'll always mean something special to me. I'll always have something of you to remember. You'll always be in my heart. 

No matter what. Even if you intensely hate me.. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

To my ex

I'll change. I promise you I'll change. I'll be a better person one day and you'll know it. I simply love you. 

[Schizophonia]

5 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

To my ex

I'll change. I promise you I'll change. I'll be a better person one day and you'll know it. I simply love you. 

Schizophonia to her psychiatrist: “I think I’m obsessive, it’s quite serious” 

Buck, at the window : 

Edited September 23, 2023 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

All joking aside, I sympathize.

[Buck Edwards]

Yea it's a weird obsession with my ex. I want their approval. That's all I wanted the whole time. 

[Buck Edwards]

I've begun to spiritually love my ex now. 

[Buck Edwards]

I wanted my ex to praise me on the regular. To approve and love me. To give me abundant validation. To give me abundant loving sex. To give me abundant affection. To tell me that I'm good. To tell me that I'm perfect. To tell me I'm loved. To accept me. 

I wanted my ex to show me lots of love and validation and the relationship to continue this way for a very long time. 

Unfortunately all of this never happened. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Love is bigger than Everything. 

Love is bigger than Evil. 

Love is bigger than Trauma 

Love is bigger than Intelligence 

Love is bigger than Validation

Love is bigger than Submission

Love is bigger than Transcendence

Love is bigger than Excellence

Love is Purity 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Fucking slimey rat! 

[Buck Edwards]

Biohazard dork wherewolf

[Buck Edwards]

I think the Michael Jackson case and the Chris Watts case are deeply connected with my personal issues. 

One because it reflects the pedophile abuse. It's completely understandable what the young men went through, something I relate to, a similar situation I went through with an older man. 

When someone does something sexually to you like rape/sodomize you in the ass, and you had to go through degradation and dehumanization, it can be hard to feel normal after that. You sometimes get used to that sort of thing. It has an impact on you. You feel tortured, controlled and sometimes helpless. 

Those scars remain. It makes you sexually weak. Immobile. 

It's directly predatory. It's control tactic. 

An older man trying to control me sexually when I was 14.

 

These things are hard to just forget, ignore or unravel. You cannot simply bypass them. It impacts your relationships and sexuality. Your brain is different when you grow into an adult. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

The whole Michael Jackson situation is close to my heart. 

Feeling sexually dehumanized at a young age and then knowing that you grew up all fucked up. It stays with you. 

It doesn't really hit you until you're in a relationship. That's when you realize your sexuality is all messed up. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I want to lay on the grass with my partner and hear them saying to me - "you're a freaking sweet ball of everything." 

Just whispers, laughs, teasing, chilling. Laughing like children. Soaking in the sun. Until the moon comes out. And then slowly kissing and touching. Down there. Down there. All intimate love and petting. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

It must be so hard to deal with the loss of someone. I think grief/loss and feeling deprived of affection are similar things. I don't know. But she is mighty brave. I like her soft voice and gentle demeanor. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm gradually trying to move away from justifying pedophilia(or not finding anything wrong or fucked up about it) towards embodying and embracing healthy forms of love. This transition is hard. It needs proper transition. It needs convincing a brainwashed mind that control and power cannot never equate to love. Feeling empowered is love, not feeling it is just slavery. Slavery cannot be love although it's survival depending on the circumstance. I'll call it sexual slavery. Some people are okay with it, because they have been tamed to believe that this is their fate, getting fucked in their ass everyday by an older man. Similar to a woman being sold by a pimp who then just succumbs to her fate. It's difficult to dissociate from that. To feel normal. To feel loved. 

 

When Leo makes comments about pedophilia being love, this can be extremely damaging to someone like me. I'm not trying to play victim. It's very conflicting to accept such things as love. One of my greatest moral conflicts. I feel gaslighted by Leo. I feel double victimized. I don't want to accept brutality as love. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

When you are groomed and tamed by a pedophile, what exactly goes through your mind. Your body and mind try to adjust to it. You try to cope with it. You simply want to survive the ordeal. This causes some deep chemical reactions in the brain. You don't want to think it's wrong. Thinking that it's wrong makes it even more unbearable. So you think it's okay. Just deal with it as it happens. Don't fight it. This inhibits your guard against it. 

Over time you begin to normalize it. That's the only way to survival through it. 

What's the price you pay? You end up in sexual slavery forever. What's the life of a sex slave? To be giving oneself away to more pedophiles. Maybe you even begin to enjoy it. You simply cannot draw a line between right and wrong anymore. You feel guilty for enjoying it. But you also feel it's okay. This is how things are. Lines are blurred. Boundaries are snatched. You feel tied. You feel like you have to love something you really don't want. It inhibits your tolerance and sensitivity. You become insensitive and immune to the pain of being used. And then comes the question of security. An older man makes you feel more secure. Because I was 14 at the time. A 14 year old does not feel powerful enough to fight off something like that. An older person makes you feel "comfortable" or "protected" but in an odd way. You know you're being protected but not for the right reasons. You feel coddled in a weird way. You have to please this pedophile for this price of security. Pleasing a pedophile is already setting the tone for validation and control games. You feel unloved if you fail to please. If he is  pleased, you feel you did a good job. Again slavery. You're forever stuck in a cycle of pleasing and validation which your mind comes to believe as love. This kind of fornication is addictive and codependent. Dubious. Not real love. Just dependency of the mind on both sides. He wants to use you for some ass fucking. You want to please them to feel accepted or even valued.. 

I guess something similar happened to Michael Jackson accuser James Safechuck. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

The question is how to hop out of this pathetic mindset you find yourself trapped in?

This is a pit. A bottomless pit. Once you are in it, you're in for the long haul. It will take valiant effort to deny pedophilia as love. It will take a ton of self love, opening up, burning shame, sexual vulnerability to come to a point where you feel you're out of this sexual prison for good. 

Buck you are in a sexual prison set up by that pedophile. It's not your fault you feel fucked up. 

Buck you are in a sexual prison set up by that pedophile. It's not your fault you feel fucked up. 

Buck you are in a sexual prison set up by that pedophile. It's not your fault you feel fucked up. 

 

 

 

Yea. I'm in a sexual prison. That's what it is. It is sexual slavery being masked as love. Why is this ok? Why is my mind ok with something that is not healthy for me? Why is my mind ok with a pedophile molesting me? 

 

At some point you're indoctrinated to believe that your value is hinged on how much a person wants you. Remember this indoctrination happens in young age, like teenage. So the pedophile gives you that "wanting." you're only good enough to please them. They deliver you that whip. They make you feel vulnerable. BOOM!!! Trauma bond is formed. Now a certain method is set up. You're a cherished object. You're an item. You're their something. They give you little gifts and trinkets to keep you rewarded for pleasing them. 

Did Michael Jackson give little gold rings as souvenirs to James Safechuck for being a good boy and allowing all the ass fucking? Pretty much yes. 

 

 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Buck Edwards