Contemplating Motherhood

[soos_mite_ah]

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Starting off I'm going to post some things from my main journal: 

12/8/2021

Thoughts on Motherhood 

I catch myself thinking about becoming a parent and what that would entail at random times throughout the week for like years now and I wanted to jot down my thoughts not only to get things out of my system but also to make sense of things as well. 

Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent? 

I have my doubts tbh especially given my history with difficult family dynamics. Sometimes I feel like I'm too traumatized to have a kid and raise them in a way that won't traumatize them (generational trauma is real). I feel like for people who grew up in difficult home environments that some of them  grow up being really aware on all of the things that goes into being a parent and how much things like sorting through your own shit psychologically, having more than enough money to be financially stable, and having your priorities straight plays a role. And it's like... there are so many ways you can fuck up your kid if you didn't figure your life out before having them. There is a part of me that just doesn't understand how people can say that they want X amount of kids when they grow up because there is just so many things to consider practically and emotionally. 

But then again, the fact that I am questioning this, that I'm thinking critically, and that I'm taking into consideration all of the things I would need to sort out before hand is a really good sign. Also, the odds of someone growing up in an abusive home environment and then going on to abuse their kids in the same way is pretty slim  (most people who have been abused don't grow up to be abusers while most abusers do have histories of abuse growing up). On top of that, it isn't like I'm about to have a kid now. If I do decide to have any, I'll probably be in my mid 30s tbh so I have roughly 10-15 years to figure things out. And I'm putting in the work by going to therapy and doing what I can to heal from my past and not incur any additional trauma that could fuck up my development. Finally, similar to getting into relationships, you don't have to be at a 100% in order to see yourself as worthy and capable of a relationship. I'm bringing this up because I see the parallels on how I used to have a very perfectionistic attitude towards my platonic and romantic relationships where I essentially felt like I needed to go into hermit mode and work on myself instead of letting myself grow and heal through healthy relationships. Granted that is sometimes necessary but there comes to a point where it isn't sustainable anymore. Similarly with parenthood, I think it's important to be cognizant of your short comings and work with them instead of entirely shutting yourself off from the experience as a whole. 

Thought #2: Kids are Draining 

There have been instances where I have been left in charge of dealing with children between the ages of 4 and 12 for hours on end. While I had no problems with dealing with them, after 3 hours of keeping them occupied constantly, I was done. I feel like that is my limit as far as dealing with children goes. Anything more than that is overwhelming to me. As a result, the idea of being a mom is pretty daunting. The idea of having work and then maintaining the household/ raising the kids seems like a recipe of becoming one of the many adults who are tired constantly and barely have room to breathe. Don't get me wrong, my husband would be sharing the responsibility but even then it's this idea of being on all the time. 

Then again, my priorities and the ways that I would want to spend my energy may shift over time. I'm mainly talking about this from my perspective at the moment as someone who wants to get ahead in their career, have somewhat of a social life where they have close knit friendships, have time to travel and self-actualize, and also have time to rest, relax, and take care of myself. Maybe there will be a point where I feel content with these areas of my life and therefore I won't feel as compelled to pour as much energy and resources there because I already have a solid foundation and it's taking care of itself. And then I would move onto a different phase in my life where I would have more time and energy freed up to have a family on my own and it wouldn't feel like this daunting task because I'll finally be in a place in my life where I feel ready and I genuinely/ wholeheartedly would want to have kids

Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood

Similar to the way that kids can be pretty draining, there are a lot of people who genuinely love their kids and who their kids grew up to be but they hated motherhood. On top of this being a huge energy sink, especially for women, a lot of women forget who they were before having kids because they no longer have the time to themselves or hobbies that make them feel fulfilled. Not only that, but often times when a woman becomes a mother, society only sees her as such and then suddenly literally everything in your life becomes about being a mom and people only focus on that one aspect of you. And I feel like if you take the path of least resistance and have things like your marriage and kids take over your life, it's bound to turn into a cesspool of resentment, dysfunction, and inner turmoil unless you carve out time to prioritize yourself and take care of your own needs amidst all of this (even when everyone else sees you as being selfish for doing so). From what I see, there is a very fine balance that you need to take with all aspects of your life because if one thing topples, so does everything else since it all rests on each other and interconnects with one another. 

Bottom line: I'm pretty sure if I had kids I would love them but I can't imagine raising kids being an experience that I would readily say yes to because of the various challenges that are involved.

Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting

Pregnancy is some sci fi shit and I'm pretty sure if I was a man that the decision to have kids would be so much easier. I know people who have had seizures, heart attacks, and life long health issues to varying degrees after giving birth. Also, babies kind of freak me out because of the hypervigilance that is involved in taking care of them. Not only that but professionally having to take time off to take care of the kid for a couple years really fucks with your career trajectory and earning potential (not to mention the biases people have at work when it comes to women who have kids) and is one of the factors that creates the whole gender pay gap and glass ceiling. Like especially in the U.S., all of the doctor's visits, the money just to give birth, the lack of maternity and paternity leave makes having a kid really daunting. 

I feel like the easy solution to all of this is adopting. I can just adopt a 5 year old (or older) and have them start going to school and I won't have to ever change a diaper in my life, I won't have to sacrifice my career in the process, I won't have to deal with the horrors of pregnancy, and I'll be giving a better life to a kid who would have had issues with getting adopted (often times kids have much lower chances of getting adopted compared to babies and it's even worse for teenagers). But even though this seems like the most logical possibility, there is this weird thing in my head that's like *you need to have your own kids.* Idk, maybe it's the biological programing 

Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy 

Speaking of biological programming, I know there are a lot of people who look at babies and have their baby fever get activated. To say the least, that just never made sense to me. Sure I look at babies and I think their cute and I want to play with them but the thought of having one of my own in the moment just doesn't cross my head. I feel like I have that lack of maternal instincts and I feel like that could impact the way I parent and potentially even my quality of parenting because I don't have this biological kneejerk reaction to have kids. 

But then again, perhaps I have a different kind of maternal energy. Even thought the thought of having kids is a big **IF**, I often catch myself thinking about long term goals I have and how they relate to me setting the foundation for having a family. For instance, I have been working on my mental health for quite some time now and I have been working on myself in general and even though I am doing this for myself and for my own quality of life, there is this thought that comes to mind where there is a part of me that is doing this for my future husband and kids. If I am well adjusted and create a very solid life for myself internally and externally, I'm more likely to have a healthy and loving relationship with a future partner and then we can raise a functional, healthy, and happy family together.

Not to be cliche but there is a thing in a lot of spiritual/self help circles when discussing generational trauma where when a person heals from that trauma, they heal everyone that comes after them and they pave the way. And I genuinely feel that if I were to have kids, it would be an expression of the fruits of my labor in the past and my long term thinking from when I was like 15. Like when I think of having kids, I don't think of creating a legacy in material terms rather it's more along the lines of passing down a certain level of consciousness to my kids by the way that I raise them and have them go on their own self actualization journey to grow as individuals so that they can go much further than I did. I just think it's crazy considering how my grandparents grew up in a stage red/blue environment during things like Partition and the 1971 liberation war as well as norms such as child marriage and a lack of educational opportunities and agency for women being common place. Both of my grandmothers were married off in their teens with little education. Then you have my parents' generation who is in a significantly better place because they grew up in more stable political times but they have a lot of inner turmoil and problematic beliefs they had to sort through (let's just say they aren't the most functional and well adjusted people). On top of that, even though they grew up in a better place, they still decided to go the extra mile and immigrate to a foreign country for an even better quality of life (I'd say my mom is solidly blue, my dad is mainly at blue/orange, and the environment they moved to was a stable orange/green with little security and financial concerns). Then you have me and I know that I'm emotionally going to be in a significantly different place from my parents because of the privileges I have been granted in a first world country and it's just crazy especially in the South Asian American community regarding the generational differences and healing over time. 

I think as a consequence of seeing the big picture regarding how my future generations will grow up given the foundation I'm laying for myself and the way I see the evolution of consciousness as a very practical thing that I have don't have the typical feminine maternal energy. It isn't something that is rooted in this intuitive urge to have a child rather it is part of the way that my long term goals will manifest itself in the future. Long term goals such as working on myself and healing generational trauma, having a very solid career and life purpose, and creating a healthy network of support platonically and romantically are all big goals that takes years to fully build but it's also so small compared to the goal of having a healthy and happy family. The long term goals I listed are the foundation and are the small pieces of a much larger puzzle in my opinion. And while achieving those long term goals is satisfying in of itself and I won't regret putting in the work even if I eventually decide to not have kids, there is a maternal part of me that gets activated when I look at the larger vision of my goals.  I suppose that I have a very masculine maternal energy and sometimes that doesn't resonate with the feminine maternal energy that is often talked about and represented when discussing maternal energy (nothing wrong with masculine or feminine maternal energy, they are just different and manifest as such). 

Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother 

Similar to the point above on how different big goals play as small puzzle pieces to motherhood and similar to the point on how there is a lot that goes into parenting, I have observed many moving parts when I see healthy/functional families. I'm going to do my best to concisely summarize my thoughts: 

1. Have a good career and be aligned to your life purpose.
   • Gives you an identity outside of being a mother and an additional outlet for fulfillment. Mitigates societal pressures and lets you have a life outside of the family. 
   • Helps you provide for your family and gives you agency in your marriage so you have an equal partnership with your spouse and if things go south and there is an event of a divorce  you will have something to fall back on. 
   • Models healthy forms of achievement for your kids and gives you valuable life experiences that you can use to teach/raise your kids 
2. Work on yourself internally (therapy, journaling, healing generational trauma cycles, working on attachment styles. reflecting, raising your consciousness etc.)
   • Helps you have better discernment when picking a spouse which is arguably one of the most important decisions you can make in addition to choosing a career path
   • Will make you raise your kids better because you are using parenting techniques that are healthy for the kid rather than projecting your own trauma
   • Will help in creating a strong marriage and will take a preventative approach to marital issues if both people are already whole and actualized people who can communicate, emotionally self regulate, set boundaries, have their own lives etc.
   • A strong and healthy marriage is really the backbone to giving your kids a good childhood imo
   • Also you want to model what a healthy relationship looks like and what a well adjusted person is so that your kids have a good example of what is healthy and good for them, thus saving them a lot of issues when they grow up and are on their own  
   • Finally, you want to check your biases and come from an informed place when presenting different world views so your kids grow up learning how to have good discernment and critical thinking skills 
3. Make sure you take care of your health 
   • Keep up with the kids and any other demands you may be having 
   • Stay around longer to watch them grow up and have lives of their own. 
   • Mentally and physically take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself with your kids. Have time for yourself. 
4. Have a good support system of conscious friends and relatives 
   • Helps in socializing the kid  
   • Gives you people to lean on and get help from when things become a little too much or you need a break (having people baby sit, give advice, etc.) 
   • Takes pressure off of your spouse since he isn't the only person you are getting help from and that will further help the marriage 
   • Gives you a life outside of the family so again, you don't grow resentful and like you lost your identity 

All of these are huge and I feel like there are more things that I'm missing but these are my general thoughts and how they interconnect and work with one another. 

Thought #7: The Chaos of the World 

Then again, will any of this matter if climate change takes over and we start having wars over water? Do I want to raise my kids in a late capitalist dystopia where they will likely deal with worse circumstances than what I grew up in. Even if I give my kids a good life, there is only so much I can do as an individual if systemically we're all fucked. While I have detailed how you need a stable life before having kids, to get to that stable life can be an uphill battle. For instance, I have talked about the cost of health care in the U.S. and the lack of things like maternity and paternity leave. However, there is no telling what the world is going to look like in 10-15 years. I can only hope that things will get better or that I will go to a place where things are better. 

Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids 

There is this finality of having kids that I feel that people don't take seriously enough (similar to how people often times don't see getting married as one of the most significant legal decisions you will ever make). You never stop being a parent. So many other things in life, even the things that look permanent on the surface, aren't permanent in the same way as having kids. Life changing trauma can be healed from. Having career issues can be dealt with. If you have a bad marriage, there are ways you can try to get out of it. If you flunk out of school, you can get back in and improve your grades. If you don't like where you are living, you can move. Of course, each of these things have varying degrees of ease depending on situation and privilege's but there is always something you can do. But having a child.... you can't just undo something like that. It's not like you can yeet the kid out of existence and move on like nothing happened.  Basically, even with planned pregnancies I feel like a lot of people don't think enough about having kids before they have them. One of my fears with having kids is that what if I wake up one day 6 years after having a kid and realize that having kids isn't for me. Tf am I supposed to do then???? 

Closing thoughts: 

Ultimately, I don't know if I want to have kids or how many (most likely 1, 2 feels like a stretch). That is a decision for 30 year old  soos_mite_ah who will hopefully have a more stable and secure life by then and would have achieved a lot of the long term goals she has at this point in time. I wouldn't be surprised if I get to the point where I want to have a kid or if I realize that I'll never get there and that it isn't for me. As of right now, I'm kind of neutral on whether I have kids or I don't in the future. The way my life pans out in the next 10-15 years would give me a better idea.  

Edited September 18, 2023 by soos_mite_ah
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[soos_mite_ah]

3/12/2023

Thoughts on Having a Kid 

This is something that I have caught myself thinking about a lot lately. I feel rather ambiguous about the thought of having a kid. I know that I don't want kids because I feel like having more than one is a lot to handle financially and emotionally, and also as an only child who doesn't know how sibling dynamics work, the thought of navigating that with multiple children seems wild to me. Also, if I do decide to give birth, I'm not doing that shit more than once. It seems traumatic. I also feel that you are no more of a mother whether you have 1 kid or +5, in the end of the day. So my question is, is motherhood for me? 

I have journaled about this in the past. I do still stand by much of what I wrote here (points 2-5, 7, and 8) but as for point 1 and 6, I feel like I want to challenge that a little bit. I feel like I have grown significantly since the last time I have written this and my life circumstances are very different. I am in a healthy and loving relationship which has made me think that maybe I have what it takes to raise well adjusted adults since often times, the qualities that make a good partner also makes a good parent. I'm also in a job that is stable and has descent benefits so I think in a few years time I would be financially equiped to have a kid in a dual income scenario. I'm sure in a few years I will be able to have a career that aligns with my life purpose. And as a result, I think that can fulfill much of what I have written about the moving parts of being a good mother (point 6) since I have the other aspects down. 

I'm still hung up on how much I would enjoy motherhood. I wouldn't say that I'm wanting a kid out of this expectation that it's going to be enjoyable and just sunshine and rainbows as most women are led to believe, rather it is this drive towards fulfillment. I do want to work on something in my personal life long term that will bring a lot of fufillment and the process of socializing a kid, guiding a kid, and raising them to be a good person is something that resonates with me since I feel that my life purpose has to do with understanding and improving the human condition. But at the same time, I wonder if having a kid is the best way of going about actualizing this purpose. Part of me wants a kid because I want to give them the parent and the conditions that my parents weren't able to give me. I wrote about this in the post I linked above: 

Quote

 

  On 12/8/2021 at 1:58 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

But then again, perhaps I have a different kind of maternal energy. Even thought the thought of having kids is a big **IF**, I often catch myself thinking about long term goals I have and how they relate to me setting the foundation for having a family. For instance, I have been working on my mental health for quite some time now and I have been working on myself in general and even though I am doing this for myself and for my own quality of life, there is this thought that comes to mind where there is a part of me that is doing this for my future husband and kids. If I am well adjusted and create a very solid life for myself internally and externally, I'm more likely to have a healthy and loving relationship with a future partner and then we can raise a functional, healthy, and happy family together.

Not to be cliche but there is a thing in a lot of spiritual/self help circles when discussing generational trauma where when a person heals from that trauma, they heal everyone that comes after them and they pave the way. And I genuinely feel that if I were to have kids, it would be an expression of the fruits of my labor in the past and my long term thinking from when I was like 15. Like when I think of having kids, I don't think of creating a legacy in material terms rather it's more along the lines of passing down a certain level of consciousness to my kids by the way that I raise them and have them go on their own self actualization journey to grow as individuals so that they can go much further than I did.

 

And I wonder if this is my own form of maternal energy or if this is a toxic reason for having a kid. But then again, what are some good reasons for having kids? I don't think I have a good answer for that. 

I'm also wary about my own social and biological conditioning playing into this. For the vast majority of history, motherhood was something that was expected and something that just happened to you. And now that we have a choice, I want to make the most of it by making a well informed and well contemplated choice even if it is to have a kid. But I still wonder how biased I can be when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have noticed lately that I have the tendency to make plans well off into the future and have the notion of being a mom be a given. And I don't know how much of that is me low key wanting to be a parent or if it is just the social conditioning. 

I was also talking to my boyfriend about a few things on how we see our futures turning out. He did mention that he is completely against having a kid. I will be honest, while I'm not totally on the having kids train, that answer did give me a little bit of the ick and I do catch myself thinking about how long term this relationship could be because the last thing I want to do is waste someone's time. 

But now, I feel like I'm in a position where I'm pretty sure that I have what it takes to be a good mom. But the question is, is this something I genuinely want to do in the first place? Like just because you have what it takes to be a lawyer, doesn't mean that you want to be a lawyer or that you would derive joy, fulfillment, or any other kind of satisfaction from it. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should or that you want to. So I'll be making a short bullet pointed list with little elaboration so that I don't spin my head into confusion from overthinking. 

Yes: 

• I feel like I could be a good mother. 
• I want to be that guiding and caring role for another human being and watch him/her grow as a person.
• Raising a kid seems like a long term goal in my personal life that would be fulfilling to me because it is a way I can understand and improve the human condition. 

No: 

• Material conditions: the world is a mess and money can be an issue 
• I think my desire to have a kid might not be coming from a 100% healthy place (wanting to have kids to be the parent that I didn't have) 
• I'm scared that motherhood would drain me and that I would hate motherhood even if I love my kid. I'm also scared of being pregnant and giving birth. 
• While this is something that has been on my mind, it isn't something that I feel rushed to figure out. If I decide to have a kid, that's not a decision I'm making until I'm in my 30s. I have like 7-10 years left to figure this area of my life out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

9/7/2023

More Thoughts On Motherhood 

I have a bunch of reasons why I'm hesitant of having kids and why I'm thinking so hard about this. Some include the following:

• my ability to deal with a variety of situations from a child being born with disabilities to tragedy being struck on the child to where I have to be a fulltime care giver for the rest of my life
• the current state of the world regarding climate change and the such
• how draining kids can be and the thought of *what if I love my kids but end up hating motherhood* (particularly when it comes to the baby stage)
• how final this decision is
• how terrifying pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can be

But I also have reasons for wanting kids as well. My main appeal is that I want to watch someone learn and grow from the very beginning. I think it's a beautiful and miraculous process to watch a baby who can't do much slowly start to walk, talk, eat on their own etc. up until they grow into an adult with their own thoughts, experiences, ideas, and personality. I would love to be there by someone's side, guiding them and connecting with them with various stages of their development so that they can discover and grow into themselves. I want to guide them through various things in their lives from their first steps, educating them, showing them a range of life experiences through travel and exposing them to a wide array of people. I also want to guide them through messier parts such as dealing with mental health matters, teaching them to stand up to other kids, having awkward but necessary conversations around relationships and sex, helping them with their first break up or rejection, dealing with difficult classes and poor grades, and helping them through any other challenge that life throws at them. 

I find the development of children as incredibly facinating. I'm interested in all of the ways that our upbringings can affect us into adulthood and it would be an honor if I could contribute that to someone in a positive way. I love learning about different methods of parenting and the lessons you can teach you kids through those methods and through various mundane things in life. I find it incredble on how structured and stable your life has to be to raise kids in a healthy way in terms of having your finances, marriage, health, career, emotional matters, and your community set. I find getting your life together and all of the moving parts to being a good mother as a challenge I'm willing to take on and grow from.

Not to mention I want to grow and learn from my kids and see the consciousness from my family line grow and develop past me. I know there are some people who are super attached to the baby phase because they want a cute little thing to take care of but my appeal in motherhood comes from raising a kid instead. I want them to be different from me. I want to learn from them and revisit parts of my own inner child and really take a good hard look at what I went through and what they are experiencing and growing from. I want to know their differing opinions and concerns, have them set boundaries even if they are applied to me, and hell even talk back to me because while I see the power dynamic and I have the knowledge that there are some things that kids can't do, I don't see myself as an authortarian figure rather I see myself as a mentor and I still see them as a person worthy of their own rights and identity. (Also I find it super weird when people say they want a "mini me" or when there are some people who want to be parents or go into teaching because they like the idea of having power over kids who are dependent on you). 

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I also see myself as someone who is very easily satiated by life. What I mean by this is that I am the opposite of insatiable. There are some people who desire really big lives with a lot of things going on. There are people who want to spend their lives travelling. There are people who spend their entire 20s partying. There are people who needs indulge in various luxuries, not because they are snobish, but because they have the hunger for these experiences and rather than enjoying them unconciously, they really savor them. This is just to name a few. 

On the other hand, I'm a very one-and-done kind of person. I went bar hopping a small handful of times in college (like probably 3 times) and then I was like "I'm done lol." I did a weed brownie once and I'm like "yup, it wasn't bad but I think I'm good." I went to a fancy restaurant a couple of times and now I'm like "I can still enjoy this but I'll be fine if I don't experience this again. I've had my experience and I'm ready to go." I've gone back packing and part of me thinks after a few times of travelling I'll be satiated. I have studied many things and have had various hobbies and at some point I'm usually like "yup, I'm good to go." Satiated is the only word that I think really encapsulates how I feel about these things. Sure I can go bar hopping again with my friends for the hell of it, but it's not an experience I crave because I already feel full and I've done it before. Sure, I won't be opposed to going to a fancy restaurant but it's not an experience that I thirst after. And this feeling of being satiated I would describe as this sense of deep contentment with my life knowing that I have savored the experiences I have had, thus I was fully conscious of what was happening, meaning I took everything in and I don't necessarily *have to* go back for more though I wouldn't fight it since all of this is coming from a place of contentmnet after all.

Where I'm going with this is that I think I'll reach an age in my 30s or so where I have done everything I want to do, travelled all of the places I wanted to go, and live the life I want to where I can see myself giving everything up to have a child. It will be my last act of selfishness and indulgence which I will repay with selflessness for the rest of my life. And this selflessness will not habor resentment because I will repay my decision to have a child by pouring into that child all of the happiness and contentment I have created for myself so that I can share my beautiful life with another individual, so that I can pour from a place of wholeness by giving them my life experiences as a teacher. I can see myself feeling so fulfilled and content with my life to where I will want to share that overflow with another person.

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I'm also content with the idea of not being a mother in this life. To me, dying single or child free is not the worst scenario. I know I can still live a full and beautiful life without getting married or having kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a desparation to get married or have a kid. If it's not in the cards for me, I'm willing to accept that. And especially when it comes to being a mother, I want to either raise them in a good circumstance and be a phenomenonal mother, or not have a kid at all. If I'm going to be a mother, I'm not going to mediocre one. I will have the following at the bare minimum: 

1. A stable and loving marriage to model to the child to a man who is dedicated to raising and providing for the child with me. 

• We both have our personal issues and generational trauma worked through and we have both lived full and complete lives on our own and with each other because we are actualized and we created a beautiful life for ourselves that we both want to share with a child.
• We have done couples therapy before marriage and during the first 3 years of the child's life since that is usually the time when couples tend to be on the rocks. 
• We have taken parenting classes and actively educate ourselves on parenting. We can admit when we are wrong and we can alter our way of parenting according to the needs of the child withouth compromising our marriage because we have compatible parenting styles. 

2. Financial abundance to where we can do the following

• Provide food, shelter, and clothing with no sense of instability for the child. This is the bare minimum and honestly I shouldn't need to mention it. 
• A good education along with domestic and international travel about once a year as a family (I want to spoil my kids with a variety of life experiences and expose them to a big world literally and intellectually) 
• I can take the first 2 years off after the child is born and have my husband support us on one income 
• Have my husband take the next two years off after me so that he can take just as much time with the child to bond/ raise them and I can support everyone on one income 
• All of this except the last point is the circumstance that I was raised in and I want the same or better for my child. And even though my dad didn't take time off of his career to raise me, he did have a lot of free time as a business owner to where I got a lot of time with him growing up and he spent an active role in maintaing the household in terms of chores and raising/bonding with me. 

3. A sense of community from friends and family so that my kid has other people to go to other than me and my husband (it takes a village / we're not doing the nuclear family nonsense) 

4. Enough time and energy to give to the child so that they are thriving.

And if I don't have these things or if I get the thought that my desire to have a child is not coming from a healthy place, no matter how much I want a child, I'm not going to have one because it's irresponsible to bring a child into this world against their will knowing you don't have the means to give them the world. If I reach like 40 and I don't have these things, then having a kid is simply not in the cards for me and that is perfectly fine. The worst case scenario isn't to die alone and /or childless. The worst case scenario is to be trapped in a toxic and abusive marriage with a child who didn't ask to be here having to endure that with you and get the worst version of both of their parents. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I did a little brain dump about parenting in my private journal a few days ago and I thought I'd include this here in this journal. While I claim that I don't know and that I am open to being child free, I still find myself thinking a lot on how I would raise my kid: 

The Baby Phase (birth to 4 years old)

Before having a baby, my husband and I both need to be in a place in our careers where we can support a family of 3 under a single person’s income and we have savings to fall back on. We also have to have a sense of community around us to help out with taking care of the baby whether that be friends or family.

Birth to 2 years old

I will be staying at home with the baby while my husband supports us all since, I will have to breast feed during this time. I will need to be focusing the most on the physical well being of the child in terms of adequate nutrition, a good amount of physical activity (+ we will have to baby proof our living area), good sleep, various medical check ups and other things that entails on taking care of a baby 24/7.

As the child gets older, there will be more of an emphasis on gentle parenting. This will likely start at around the age of 2. Gentle Parenting means we will teach the child about the world not through punishment or asserting authority but by teaching them about natural consequences. It also means that there will be a focus on teaching the child emotional regulation and identification during tantrums or any other times the child is dysregulated. This will be emphasized more during the age of 3-4 years old

3-4 years old

Basically, what I said in the previous paragraph plus here there will be a shift where instead of my husband supporting all of us like he did when the baby was born to about 2 years old, I will be supporting the family on a single income from the time the child is 3 to 4 years old. This is because, personally, I don’t think I’m cut out for the stay at home mom life and I don’t want to sacrifice too much of my career because I think it’s healthy to have an identity outside of being a wife and mom and that it’s important for me to maintain a degree of career and monetary stability independently since you never know what can happen in life (i.e. husband gets laid off in the future, he dies, we get divorced etc.). I also think it’s good for the father to be in the child’s life early on to bond with the child and so that parenting responsibilities are more equitably distributed, resulting in a better marriage where we can empathize with each other better and appreciate the work that is taking care of the family both in terms of taking care of the home as well as monetarily providing.

 

Childhood years (age 4-10: school age)

By now, both my husband and I will be back to work. During these years, I want there to be a focus on the child’s education in schools so that they are ahead of their curriculum and that they have the support they need to thrive. I’m willing to take on a similar model my mom had when it comes to educating me except without inflicting a lot of trauma (basically what she did without making my child an anxious mess that is scared to fail, basis their self worth on how they compare to others or their achievement, and without me hitting them or verbally abusing them)

Education also means social education outside of the classroom as well. That means that we do emphasize the need to have friends and we will facilitate our child having friends whether that means their friends come over to our house or the kid goes over to theirs. It can also mean sending the kid to camp or sleep overs.  This is different from the way that I was raised because my parents emphasized school so much to where my social skills suffered and I had a good deal of social anxiety growing up. I also get their anxiety around sending me away to camps and sleep overs since they were immigrant parents and as a result didn’t know how that stuff worked but were aware of predators. And I think this can be easily tackled with using age-appropriate sex education so that my kid can communicate if they are being abused. And if that happens, we are immediately going to therapy and taking legal action.

Conversations around reproduction may come up if my child asks questions. I’m not going to sit here an lie to them and say that babies come from storks. That’s going to fuck up their perceptions of sex and reproduction and will probably lead them to being laughed at later on in school. I don’t think it’s a good idea to shelter my kid completely (even though there are some boundaries for age appropriate education) and I think it’s good to normalize the LGBTQ as a community rather than only focusing on the sexual aspect of it. I don’t want them to ever have to deal with “coming out” rather I want them to know early on that there is nothing wrong with being gay or trans and that’ it’s normal and that we are 100% supportive. If for instance my daughter is gay, I don’t want her to go through the whole thing about coming out because we expected her to be straight. I just want her to nonchalantly pop up with her girlfriend just as she would with a boyfriend. They will also be educated about masculine and feminine energy and learn that gender and gender expression is fluid.

I would also teach my kid about boundaries and how to stand up to others (and maybe even fight if necessary). There have been several instances in my childhood where I was essentially raised to be a nonconfrontational people pleaser and while I have handled much of this as an adult through therapy, it still never went away fully. Also, these nonconfrontational methods of dealing with bullying such as ignoring the bullies, telling the teacher, “killing them with kindness” honestly made some things worse and more drawn out. Also, especially if my child is a girl, she will not be given the message that boys pick on her and physically hurt her because they secretly like her.

My kid will also slowly learn to be self sufficient with basic chores regardless of gender. By age 10, they will be able to do their own laundry, pick up after themselves, do the dishes, and make the bed. My parents delayed this stuff for me until a later age because they wanted me to focus on my studies and while that didn’t horribly fuck me up, I do remember growing up feeling weird because it felt like my peers were progressing and growing in terms of responsibility and self efficacy while I stagnated more. My kid at these ages will not have to do super time-consuming chores (vacuuming, deep cleaning, cooking etc.) because I want them to focus on school but they will know how to do basic things for the sake of self sufficiency. My husband and I will also model a fair division of labor as well as the general principle of “we don’t clean the house because we always keep it clean in the first place.” I think this will do the child good in terms of modelling fair gender dynamics as well as promoting a healthy and hygienic way of living.

While my kid won’t have a 1000 organized activities like a lot of kids that I grew up around in the suburbs, my kid will be encouraged to find their own hobbies and explore given what my husband and I do for fun as well as what is available in the community. I don’t think it’s the best approach to fill out a child’s calendar as if they have access to Microsoft Outlook and I also don’t want to drive them around in a 1000 different places. They will be encouraged to explore in a more organic, unstructured way to foster authenticity.

And for the lightening round, here are things I will not do to my child at any age:

• Emotionally and verbally degrade them: I will not teach them that hurling insults and cussing at people is an effective way of communicating. I will not fuck up their emotional wellness and self-esteem by degrading them in the process of disciplining them. I will not teach them that discipline comes from degradation and I will teach them to have discipline within themselves in a healthy and gentle way
• Physically harm them or threaten to: I will not teach them the notion that people who love them will harm and disrespect them. I will not teach them that violence and asserting dominance is a good way to solve problems.
• Compare them to their peers and their achievements: They need to know how to develop their own sense of self and self esteem outside of how they measure up tot heir peers.
• Center their entire life around school: I want them to grow to be successful adults, not successful children.
• Isolate them socially by talking bad about their friends or not letting them hang out with their peers period.
• Comment about their or other people’s bodies and food choices: We will follow the principles of intuitive eating and we will encourage a sense of body neutrality.
•  I will not share the intimate struggles of my marriage or personal issues with my child: I will not parentify them or make them feel like they have to carry a burden to comfort me and be my therapist. I will be a more competent adult than my family was to me. They will also not bear the burden of being guilt tripped by money or by having to do adult things like translate tax form at the age of 5.
• I will not get agitated when my child is simply trying to have a conversation or understand where I’m coming from: I won’t paint them as trying to “talk back” just because they have questions nor will I use the phrase “because I said so.” It’s important to have two way communication and for a child to understand where the parent is coming for so that they can sharpen their critical thinking skills. I want them to be able to question me and talk to me rather than blindly follow my authority. I want them to challenge me and cause me to think of things in a new way from their fresh perspective. I want them to feel comfortable with expressing their ideas to adults and authority figures and I want them to be comfortable with self expression in general.
• I won’t violate their physical or emotional boundaries: they will not be forced to show physical affection towards anyone if they are not comfortable and I will not force them to talk if they are not comfortable with it. And of course, I will respect their privacy and won’t do shit like take the door of the hinges, stop them from closing the door, or read their diary.
• I will not degrade them for their feelings: I will not tell my son that he needs to “man up” and that “boys don’t cry” and I will not tell my daughter that she is hysterical when she is experiencing something emotionally intense. Regardless of gender, I will create a space where my children can express and process their emotions in a healthy way. Suppression is not going to be a thing in this household.

 

Preteen years (11-12)

I do expect my child to do well in school and / or put in good effort. If anything, I would focus more on congratulating effort in order to promote healthy habits and responsibility rather than stroking their ego on how smart they are which can yield to various issues in terms of creating a healthy form of identity. If they are struggling in school, I’m not going to punish them and blow up at them rather we will both come up with a plan to help them succeed and figure out what is going on. I want to focus on this more so in these years rather than the childhood years because I think from age 4-10, kids need to grow at their own pace. But once they are like 11 ish, you have a solid understanding of where your kid is at and you can create a more individualized plan for them to thrive in school.

At this age I want to have more conversations around media literacy, gender roles, racism, ableism etc. because a lot of bullying and self esteem issues come from these types of things. Of course, these are on going conversations that will start even in childhood since they are exposed to the world around them and their peers, meaning it’s up to the parent to guide them through that, but I think by the time the kid is about 11, they can engage with these ideas better on a more conscious level.

I want them to be open to exploring different religions, different communities, questioning their sexuality and where they want to live, what their interests are, what they want to be when they grow up, what their skills are, and what careers they might be interested in. And I don’t want to put them up against the limitations I was given from my parents who raised me to think that doctor, lawyer, and engineer are the only options, that being gay will result in being disowned, and that I’m crazy to have an existential crisis on religion. And just in general, throughout their childhood, I want to raise my child in a culturally and socioeconomically diverse area so that my child knows how to engage with a variety of people and so that they are literate with different points of view.  

Of course, at this age I’m going to talk to them more explicitly about puberty and sex. I never got that conversation growing up and that messed with things down the road that I’m lucky to be able to come back from thanks to things like media literacy. Also, puberty was rough for me because my mom didn’t talk to me about shit and body shamed me during the whole thing. I’m not fucking doing that. I’m not going to stigmatize sex and I will say sexual exploration is healthy and normal but of course I will teach them how to be physically safe with contraception choices as well as how to be emotionally safe in terms of having boundaries and identifying sketchy behavior.

Teen years (13-18)

I’m going to be laid back in terms of me not demonizing alcohol/ weed, not demonizing sex, and not demonizing partying. I don’t want them to flat out avoid these things (and lets be real, kids are going to do what they want to do anyway) rather I want them to be educated so that they can handle these situations responsibly. My kid will be exposed to alcohol in the house at an early age to where when they go off to college, the novelty won’t be there and they won’t care for it. I will allow my kid to have private alone time with their significant other under my roof so that they won’t have to sneak off and do something in public in a high risk environment that can also involve them being isolated from others to where they cannot call for help. Also, condoms will always be available.

I want my child to be able to talk about their friends and dating lives. I didn’t have this with my parents and I think it’s important for a kid to feel comfortable talking to their parents about these things because 1) their peers are on the same boat and are also working with limited knowledge and 2) if they are in a toxic friendship/ relationship, they can get help for it and learn what is and isn’t normal. I think especially with brown kids, since many of us were barred from dating to begin with, a lot of us had to suffer in silence instead of being able to go to a trusted adult to guide us whether that is navigating relationship challenges or consoling us through a break up.

Mental health will always be a priority. We will have conversations about things like stress, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, etc. Mental health issues will not be stigmatized nor will interventions such as therapy and medications. I want my kid to have good coping skills and for them to feel safe enough to open up about these types of things without judgement. And I’m willing to share my experiences growing up as a way to teach them and bond with them. I want to really focus on fostering a healthy relationship with a lot of trust at this age because I want to move from actively parenting them to being more of a guide and mentor while still having certain solid boundaries since they are minors (i.e. curfew, not parentifying them, protecting them from predators etc.). Therapy may or may not be involved in this process.

My kid will also learn good work life balance in the form of balancing friends, extra curriculars, a part time job, and school. While I do want to encourage them to challenge themselves, I won’t demonize rest or prioritizing themselves in the form of taking time for themselves or investing in their friendships. I’m not going to yell at them for not being up at 8 am on a Saturday when we don’t have anything urgent going on nor am I going to make them feel like they aren’t doing enough if they aren’t taking like 15 AP classes. I’m going to teach them about various ways to succeed in this world whether that means being an entrepreneur, going to college, working a 9/5, going to trade school etc. and the pros and cons that come with each of these. And while I don’t have all the answers, I’m willing to help them learn how to check in with themselves and follow their own path. Like, I’m not going to paint this narrative that college is the only way to create a stable and secure future.

At this age, I’m going to encourage financial literacy. I’m going to talk about the investments that I have open under their name, open a credit card so that they can start building credit, and teach them basic budgeting along with how 401k, Roth IRAs, and stocks work.

18 and beyond

I want to encourage my child to be independent but I’m not going to force them into the world. If they need to come back home and live with me for a bit to save up, they are more than welcome to. Here, there will be even more of a emphasis on fostering a relationship rather than being an authority figure. They will not have a curfew and generally speaking will be treated as an adult in terms of responsibility but I’m not going to sit here and expect them to have everything figured out. That’s where I come in when it comes to being supportive and giving life advice from my own experiences.

 

Other things:

• They will be raised in a walkable city: I will raise a child who has the confidence and self sufficiency of a 10 year old in the NYC subway. I want them to have things to do and ways to get there independently without me accompanying them and driving them everywhere.
• They will be raised in a diverse area socioeconomically and racially: My child will be class conscious and will be aware of different kinds of life styles. They will also learn to deal with diverse groups of people and not be self hating.
• They will be in a financially sound and non-flashy household: They will not worry about the bills, how to pay for medical expenses if something were to happen, and how to pay for their education. At the same time, they won’t have a lavish lifestyle centered around mindless consumerism and compulsory consumption.
• They will travel nationally and internationally yearly: I will be spoiling my child with a wealth of life experiences and opportunities to bond with them. We will travel with our kid twice a year starting from age 8 so that they will remember the experiences and so it won’t be absolute hell. When we travel twice a year, in one occasion my husband will travel with the kid and in the other, I will travel with the kid. Every now and again we will do a day trip with all three of us.
• I accept that my child is their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, life experiences, and point of view: While I’m here to guide them, I’m not expecting them to agree with me or come out as some kind of “mini me.” I am here to guide my child to help them explore themselves and the world in a safe and healthy way so they can show up authentically, not form them into what I want them to be.  I will accept my child regardless of his/her gender and sexual orientation, their weight and physical appearance, what skills they have to offer, their academic success, and the different ways they fuck up. And they will fuck up and be immature and have bad opinions because that is normal and healthy for a child of a certain age with limited life experience. Having a child who is mature for their age is not the flex that you think it is. I don’t expect my child to like me or have a relationship with me after they grow up because, again, they are their own person and don’t owe me anything. But at the same time, I won’t stop loving them and it’s my responsibility to create a healthy and loving relationship as much as I possibly can. I don’t expect my child to take care of me into old age. I don’t expect them to make similar life decisions as me. I don’t expect them to fill a hole in my heart and make me happy or be the reason why I experience unconditional love. When I have a child, I’m coming from a place where I’m not only full but I have so much to give and that I’m so fulfilled that I want to share that with a child and facilitate their growth.
• And yes, while my parenting has a great deal of influence on how my child shows up in the world, since I recognize that they are their own person, I know that while I have responsibility in being a good parent, just being a good parent isn’t going to guarantee good outcomes for the child since again, they are their own person and they are still subject to things outside of their homelife from school to broader culture which can also influence their decision making. Sure, I can guide them through that and help them out a great deal, but in the end of the day, they are responsible for their actions and to what extent they let my guidance in. Sometimes, they need to make their own mistakes and learn from them.  I’m here to give them the tools to deal with life. It’s up to them whether or not they want to use those tools.
• I will be honest and say that I think I will struggle to accept my child if they do some kind of violent crime or become like a fascist (conservative is one thing but fascism is another. I can deal with conservative family members given that they are otherwise emotionally healthy and well rounded as adults so long as I have certain boundaries but fascism is another thing.).
• I will respect my child like they are a person: There is so much ableism around how we treat children and I swear a lot of people have kids for the power trip. My child is going to have realistic expectations compared to adults. They will not be expected to be more emotionally regulated than an adult. They will not be expected to be more polite than an adult or be more quiet and still than an adult. They will not have to constantly be the bigger person in our relationship because I will take responsibility as a parent to be the bigger person and apologize if necessary. They also have their own boundaries and I will teach them how to identify their boundaries and assert themselves. I will show them affection in a way that they are receptive to it and that makes them feel loved whether that is by touch, words of affirmation, quality time, etc. And of course, I’m committed to and excited by them becoming their own person and getting to know them along that journey.

[soos_mite_ah]

Being 100% Sure You Want Kids 

I always hear from other people that "if you aren't 100% sure you want kids, don't have them." And I get it, kids are hard work and this is not a commitment you want to half ass especially since another human life is in your hands. At the same time, this attitude feels very black and white. After all, I know people who were 100% sure they wanted kids who ended up hating parenthood, specifically motherhood. I doubt everyone who was 100% sure just had a happy ever after after deciding to have a kid or two. 

Also, I feel that my sense of ambiguity and doubt on the decision is more of a reflection of me wanting to think critically about this decision rather than a symptom of me half assing my commitment. If anything, I feel like the way that I carefully think about this is indicative of my commitment to this topic, whether I ultimately decide to have a kid or not. 

It just boggles my mind that there are people out there that had this intrinsic knowing that they want X number of kids from the very beginning. I have a friend who has always been very in touch with her maternal energy since we were kids based on the way that she treated her younger brother and their friends. She has always told me that she wanted 3-4 kids from the time we were like 12. And just knowing her personally, I do think that it's coming from a healthy and authentic place since she has never been the type to be like "i want a mini me" (god, people who say that are so fucking cringe). 

My boyfriend is also someone that knew from a young age how many kids he wanted. That number is 0 and he has never waived a bit in his life. He just can't handle the tantrums and crying and would have issues keeping his sanity in that circumstance. It's simple, straightforward and uncomplicated. Clearly, given that I'm writing in this journal, I have a different experience lol. I have a lot of thoughts on this matter. At least one of us is sure about your decision. I have talked about this with him and how that affects what our relationship will look like long term. We have a very healthy relationship and we have talked about how we would handle various life transitions from moving to different parts of the country, moving in together, career changes, health and family matters etc. since we are both in our early 20s which can be a volatile time for people when it comes to life happening to them. I honestly feel like if we break up that it will likely be due to a difference in our long term life goals rather than problems in our relationship.  

Another part of me wants to wait til my friends start having kids so that I can see how their experience pans out and if I'm just content with being the fun aunt that takes care of the kids while the parents are catching up on some rest or doing anything else they need to do. I'm not cutting out the possibility of being a part time parent out of the equation lol. 

Another thing people say is ask yourself "which decision are you likely to regret more, the decision to have kids or the decision to be child free?" My answer to that question is I don't know. I'm scared of regretting the decision to have a kid because at that point, another life is involved and you better not screw it up or let the kid know about your regret. I'm also scared of regretting not having a kid because I do see myself reaching a point where I have lived life to the fullest and I would really want to share that with another life by pouring into them and I do think that not having a kid can have an impact on my sense of fulfillment in life, even if I can still envision a happy child free life for myself. I still think even if I have a happy child free life, it's lilkely that I will go through a sort of a mourning process. I remember when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I saw a bunch of scary stuff on the internet on how that basically means your infertile, and while that wasn't earth shattering for my life, I did feel this sense of heaviness and mourning of the thought that my body made the decision for me befre I was ready to make the decision on my own. Later the doctor that I went to abut my condition told me that people tend to exaggerate the impacts of PCOS in the internet and that it doesn't mean that I'm infertile. 

So far I just know that whatever the decision may be, I want to have a sense of autonomy over my body and my life. And unfortunately, that's no longer a gurantee considering the political climate of the U.S. especially in Texas.   

[soos_mite_ah]

Fears Regarding Motherhood: 

Pregnancy / Birth / Post partum: There are so many different side effects of preganancy that I've heard on the internet from the typical morning sickness all the way to potentially losing your teeth. I also grew up with a lot of traumatic birth stories in the form of the media I was exposed to in childhood witht the Indian Soap Operas that my mom and her sisters would watch. I just know that I if I decide to be a mother, I'm only having one. There is no way I'm repeating that shit. My mom reassures me and tells me that all of the women in both sides of our family had relatively smooth pregnancies without too many symptoms. I honestly call bullshit because I know that my aunt, my mom's older sister, had two miscarriages before having my cousin. Even if she didn't have many preganancy side effects prior to the miscarriage, that's still a pretty big deal. I'm pretty sure my mom is down playing things which causes me to not trust her tbh. I've read waaay too many therads on r/regretful parents to take things like this at face value. 

I'm also scared about post partum complications and depression. I'm scared of the time it can take to recover as well as how it can affect my ability to be a parent. I hate how people perpetuate this notion that pregnancy is the best thing that can happen to you, that you glow before and after pregnancy, and that it's always this easy and beautiful thing that everyone should experience when that's not the case for many people. I'm glad that people are talking about the effects of post partum depression and how it impacts people. I feel that a large part of it is not even in your control because so much of it is hormonal related from your body adjusting to pregnancy, adjusting to giving birth, and adjusting back even though you never fully go back, and there is only so much you can do to sort through your emotions and existential crisis prior to giving birth.  

The Baby Years: 

The baby years seem so incredibly stressful from the sleepless night, to not having any time for yourself for like 2+ years depending on how many kids you have, to the financial stress that you and your partner face. It's no wonder that people struggle with their marriage for like the first 3 years since a baby is born. Not to mention how mothers specifically often lose a great deal of their identity once having a kid because it consumes so much of their lives and because society has a tendency to view mothers as nothing more than just mothers. 

Babies are also so incredibly delicate that I'm scared that I'm going to fuck up and have it die or something because of the position that it is sleeping. That alone freaks me out, no elaboration necessary.  It's the feeling of being on call 24/7 and having someone be 100% reliant on you. I know that' not 100% the case if you have a community there to help you. My mother had my aunt and uncle (my dad's brother and his wife) all throughout my childhood for help, even if it meant just dropping me off at their house for a couple of hours. She also had her sister come to the U.S. to help her with the first few months after I was born. And one year after I was born, my mom took me to India to visit family for 6 months both so that her relatives could bond with the baby and so that she could get additional support. Not to mention my dad supported us 3 financially during 90% of my childhood. 

Maybe this is a sure reason as to why I shouldn't be a parent. I'm attracted to more to the parenting and guiding part of the role rather than a 24/7 caretaking role. 

Severe Disabilities: 

Speaking of being on call 24/7 and having someone be 100% reliant on you, I'm scared of the possibility of my child being born with severe mental or physical disabilities. I'm scared of the ongoing suffering they will face in their lives in such a state and selfishly, I don't think I'm cut out for that circumstance of being a 24/7 caregiver for the rest of my life if something were to happen. While the baby years are intimidating, there's still an end in sight once the kid starts growing up and becoming more independent. 

At the same time, I'm told that a lot of severe disabilites can be detected early on in the pregnancy and that there is only a small chance of something like this happening. But at the same time, I'm also told by others that you need to be prepared for anything if you decide to be a parent and if that is not for you, parenting isn't for you either and you shouldn't have kids.However, my rebuttle to the detection of severe disabilities in pregnancy is the possibility of having a healthy child who later in life is caught in a freak accident that kills them or worse renders them physically and mentally incapable causing them to suffer for the rest of their life. That's not something you can detect ahead of time and while it's unlikely, the stakes can make it a huge gamble. 

And I know this is a fucked up way of looking at things, but I feel like the vast majority of people don't think about these things too hard. I'm not saying that's right, but I am saying that it makes me feel like maybe I'm over reacting or overthinking......? I feel this way both on the topic of disabilities as well as how much thought I'm putting into this decision to be a mother as a whole.

Speaking of disabilities, I do have ADHD that I generally manage well. I know I have heard stories about the challenges that parents of disabled children go through in r/regretful parents and I think thankfully my parent's only dealt with my ADHD in the way that it manifested in me having trouble paying attention in school and my surroundings as a kid rather than full on tantrums and behavioral issues. But even then, that was still too much for my parents and they caused a good amount of trauma in me because they tried to "discipline" the ADHD out of me (i.e. my mom beat me and my dad verbally and emotionally abused me). On one hand it's like, my parents definitely didn't put this much thought into having a child and just had me so maybe I'm overthinking this especially since I think I have more skills to be a better parent (I'm not saying this to gloat rather I'm saying this to say that I've worked on myself and biases much more than they ever have in their lives much less than before I was born). At the same time, I'm like, you better than anyone should know how fucked up it is to have a kid and take on more than you can chew by default because you didn't fully think this through. I know about how unwanted I felt, how much of a failure I felt in my parents' eyes, and how much therapy it took to undo all that. And that's with a manageable form of ADHD, not even a severe disability.  

[soos_mite_ah]

A Mother's Baby, A Father's Maybe. 

The phrase "A Mother's Baby, A Father's Maybe" is used to describe two things. One that it's easy to know the mother of the child but the father can be ambigious unless there is a paternity test involved (insert a clip of Maury here). But another meaning of this phrase is that mothers are expected to take on more of the load in terms of raising the child compared to the father and that there isn't really a gurantee that the father will play a role in the child's life.  I'm going to be discussing the later. 

One of the easiest places to see this is the whole ordeal around teen moms. Rarely does anyone talk about teen dads and what they're doing. There is a whole show about Teen Moms and people raised a question about where the dads are and let's be real, if there was a show call Teen Dad, it will be pretty boring (or alarming) because it's likely that the dad's life is not nearly as altered as the mom's and you will end up watching a teenage boy going through an existential crisis while in high school while still playing video games in their spare time. Or they run away all together. 

Why do I mention this despite the fact that I won't be a teen mom and I wouldn't dare having a chlid out of wedlock due to the instability that it will create for me and the child? Because the phenomenon of a married single mother exists. There are mothers out there who are married and even though they have a partner, all of the responsibility around haivng a kid (and also often holding down a job in the process) falls on her while her husband is not doing much to help her. Often times, when these mothers get a divorce, sometimes it's easier than when they were married because instead of taking care of an extra person, the husband, along with the children, it's easier to just take care of the kids even with a smaller income because of how it frees up more of your time and labor. And honestly, I think that and/or becoming a single mother is one of the worst situations, waaaaay worse than being single and child free. 

Basically, I'm evaluating my decision to have a kid with this possibility in mind, even if this is a possibility that makes me wince and I pray to god something like this happens. But it is a reality for many women, single and married. It also makes me think that if I decide to have a kid, I will also have to approach dating and marriage differently than I do now. I will have to have higher standards regarding men and also take the dimension of what kind of a parent this man will be and if our approach to parenting compliments each other. Because if I know I want to have a child and I'm making a decision about my life partner, my life partner will also be my co-parent. I can't just look at my own needs of what I want in a relationship when the decision of who the father of my child is on the line.

Also, even if I make an excellent choice in a father, there is also a chance  of him dying which again will put me back in the role of being a single mother. There is also a chance that I might die and my child has to be raised by my husband which is all the more reason to make a good choice when choosing a father and life partner. You don't want to leave your child in the hands of someone unhealthy and incompentent if you die. 

I'm not someone who actively seeks out "provider men." While I'm not a 50/50 kind of girl (more on that in another post), I do like doing things for my partner like paying every now and then and doing little gestures that are stereotyped as "things a man does in a relationship." Gender roles aside, I think it's natural to want to do things to show that you care for your partner. That can look different for different people. For some women, it looks like showing gratitude. And while I'm the same way, I don't like to just say thank you and act all giddy when a man does something for me 100% of the time. Personally, I do like taking a more active role in showing that I care in the relationship every now and then. I still think about the few times I bought my man flowers and how happy that made him. I believe that this is my authentic way of showing up in a romantic scenario. 

At the same time, sometimes I think that my authentic way of showing up would not be conducive to vetting and finding my life partner when I take into consideration of choosing the father of my child. I feel like getting a guy that actively provides in a relationship (and takes pride in providing), not just financially but also in other dimensions, gives you a better shot at avoiding the whole married single mom thing. I know my dad was a man like that. While he wasn't the best father, he didn't leave my mom hanging when it came to household matters. He took an active role in my childhood and he contributed to household tasks. He did the cleaning, my mom did the cooking. He did his share of the laundry and regularly picked up after himself. He also hired help with the lawn and with deep cleaning the house when he and my mom started getting older and less capable to physically keep up with everything. He also took care of 100% of the finances. And while the financial aspect wasn't all positive in terms of how it affected the power dynamic of the relationship and his degree of fulfillment in terms of having an equal partner, he always took pride in being a provider and a father and it was a version of masculinity he embraced and valued a great deal.

My father told me growing up that a man with any sense will see the value that the women in his life provides and that he will invest in that accordingly to the best of his ability. That man is someone who sees the value in the role that his mother and the women in his life played and can see and understand how big of a job being a wife and mother is and how that in turn helps him and the whole family to prosper with the combination of the valuable work of their partner as well as how the family motivates a man to do better in his life. He only gave me this talk once when I was like 11 and he was telling me the story on how getting married and having kids affected his father's life and how it has affected his as well. I didn't think of it as much at the time but I do think back to that conversation whenever I see the alpha male podcasters who keep talking about 50/50 and how they keep asking women "what do you bring to the table?" almost in an accusatory tone as if a woman has nothing to add other than sex and as if they want to watch a woman dance monkey dance to prove herself to them. Men like that who cannot even see the value another person can add in their life but insist on dating and having kids anyway are the biggest red flags.  Like you know damn well they won't give you basic respect much less step up when something affects you two as a couple. It's seriously giving wounded masculinity and fatherless behavior as if they never got any healthy role models for masculinity. Sure, it's fine if you don't resonate with the paternal archetype of masculinity, but it's really fucking weird to be that disrespectful to the people around you to where your view of masculinity is so limitted to where you only see it as a means to exert power over others in order to stroke your own ego.

And unfortunately, a lot of men do just that. They have kids because they like the aesthetics of being a father and they expect that their wife is going to be the maid, the cook, and the nanny, and the caretaker in their old age without doing anything in return. Of course, it isn't all men. My father was most definitely not like that and it's always a little shocking to see the weaponized incompetence, from the idiot fathers that are played off for laughs in sitcoms to people irl congradulating a father for changing a diaper and watching the kids as he is supposed to as a co-parent. It's so weird when I see accounts of grown ass men who don't do basic chores that you would expect a roommate would do when they live with their partners because they expect their wife and girlfriend to pick up after them like their mother. That was never modeled to me as a child and my boyfriend is most certainly not like that. Men who don't do basic things when they live on their own to take care of themselves aren't men, they are boys. What I'm describing isn't "women's work." It's basic adult responsibility. Regardless of gender, I expect you to be able to cook, do the laundry,  keep an clean, hygenic, and organized living space, and remember basic dates, appointments and responsibilities to yourself and the people around you becuase you're a fucking adult.     

Rant aside, I feel like the decision of whether or not to have a child would be 10x easier if I had been born a man. That's why this journal is called Contemplating Motherhood instead of Contemplating Parenthood. You don't have nearly as many expectations piled on to you if you are a man having a child and of course, you're physical body isn't on the line. That changes a lot of things. 

Edited September 18, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

A Good Past

Another common reason why I feel like people are hesitant to bring children into this world is because how much of a wreck this world is. You have climate change that the people in power are not taking seriously, the rise of far right leaders and media figures, anti-gay and trans hatred, and women's rights being rolled back. It's understandable that many are hesitant of the future globally as well as in the U.S and as a result, it's understandable to be concerned about whether bringing life into this world is even the right thing to do. Not to mention that the country feels like a toxic boyfriend who keeps you around in the relationship because he keeps saying that "I'll change, I promise." 

I was talking to a friend about this who is about to get married. She's about 4 years older than me. She told me something along the lines of this:

You never know what the future is going to look like in 20 ish years. Sure things are awful now, but a lot of things can improve in time. Just think, you and I were born in the 90s. The economy was great, the Cold War ended, 9/11 had not occured yet, and people were dubbing this as the end of history. If you go by your logic now, the 90s would have been a good time to have kids. But do you think our parents could have predicted the kind of world we would have stepped into in our adulthood and the chaos that we have to deal with to where in some cases it's hard to get up on our feet due to student loans, shitty house prices and wages not keeping up with inflation? No, and similarly, we don't know what kind of world our children will step into and sure things are rough now and it feels like it's not going to end based on prior experiences in recent times, but things don't move in an even tragectory. 

I thought of this and I think a point was made. I also think about this post that I saw a while back that said that we cannot gurantee a solid future for our individual children but we do have control to a certain extent over the present and how these future adults will look back at their past. We can't gurantee the state of the world or that they will have a better standard of living compared to their parents but we can do our best to give them a good childhood so that they have the tools to handle the challenges that will meet them in adulthood. 

Sure there is the climate crisis looming in the air and in the uncertain future. And while all of this is reassuring in the face of that uncertain future, I am concerned about the present if you aren't in the best position financially. There is the cost of childcare, the lack of gun legislation in the U.S. and the lack of materity and paternity leave, and the thousands of dollars it costs to have a baby in a hospital in the first place that makes me second guess things in the U.S. Even if people want to have kids, there are very real logistical and financial restraints (not to mention the cost of living and stagnating wages) that stop people in the present who otherwise would really want to have children. 

I know that when people hear pro-choice, the main thing they think of is the access to abortion so that they can choose not to have a child if they so wish. But I don't think we think of the other side of pro-choice enough which is the choice to have a child. And I think that the pro-choice stance can tie into other political ideals such as a living wage, paternity and maternity leave, having vacation days, gun control, climate change legislation, universal health care, walkable cities, accessible childcare, and so many other policies that can support families in bringing kids into the world and raising them as well in a way that makes sense to their family planning goals.

That's my other thing, if I decide to have a kid, I know that I don't want them to be raised in the U.S. not only for their well being but also for my sense of support and sanity. While I was able to handle going to school givent the shit that you see about school shootings and having a couple of close calls in my school, I don't think I can handle such a thing from a parent's perspective. I hate on how I had to panic about basic things like how to pay for college and getting health care in a way that was timely and wasn't going to be exhorbitantantly priced. And I don't think that I would be supported as a mother in this country as far as the social infrastructure goes. Sure I'm going to deal with shit like social biases and other issues everywhere, but atleast other places have it codified to be more supportive to families and in general have a better quality of life. 

An uncertain future is something I can deal with a certain extent. An uncertain present is another story. And while people talk about the social pressures and expectations to have kids, I think the times put pressure on people not to have kids as well in different ways. 

Edited September 19, 2023 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Common Reasons to Have Children that Rub Me the Wrong Way 

Category One: Wanting Little People Like Yourself to Preserve Your Idenity

1. Wanting a Mini Version of Yourself or Your Partner: This is honestly the worst in my opnion. I just think it's weird to want to have that much control over someone and I think you're bound to be disappointed because your children will grow up to be their own people and likely not carbon copies of you and your partner, even if they resemble you guys looks wise. I just find it funny that someone people with children claim that child free people are selfish and then site reasons like this when people ask why they wanted kids. Not funny haha, funny weird. I think that wanting to have children is inherently a selfish act because the kids never asked to be here and it's up to you going forward to pay that selfish act forward with a life time of selflessness. Again, your kids never asked to be here so you better treat them well. 
2. To Carry on the Family Name and Values: I feel like the family name bit is kind of ridiculous unless you have a weird lastname. Like I have heard this line from people whose last names are Martinez, Khan, Smith, Chowdhury.... like bffr. That last name isn't going to die just because a couple people decided to not have kids.  As for values, this goes back to the whole you can't choose what your kids are going to be like and the values they will hold. Sure, you as a parent have some influence, but the child's values will be determined by other factors like their peers, environments, and life experiences as well. And as a child of immigrants who has had a very different life compared to my parents, I can tell you that your kid having the same values as you is not a gurantee. 
3. To Have a Legacy: I feel like men are more likely to state this reason and I find it to be weird in a comical way. Like sir, you are not in Succession or an episode of The Crown. You are a regular, everyday civilian... act like it.
4. To Mold A Life: Again, weird and kind of controlling. I think it makes more sense and seems healthier to want to guide someone as opposed to going into the experience with the intention to mold. Again, this isn't everyone but I feel like there are a lot of narcissists that insist on having kids (and a lot of them) because they like the idea of molding someone into their own image and also having absolute control over a baby that has no agency and has to depend on you for everything.  
5. To Give the Gift of Existance: I feel like this is tangentially related to the category title and I didn't know where to put this tbh. I put this reason in Category One because I feel like it goes along with this notion of control and almost playing god in a way. I don't think existance itself is inherently a gift and that you need to make it a gift for your child, because again, they never asked to be here and you don't want them to hate their existance lol. This reason also reminds me of the pro-life people that try to get you by saying "if your mom aborted you, you wouldn't be here right now" to which a lot of people respond with "I don't care to be here my guy and I wouldn't want my mom to suffer if it came down to it. 

Category Two: Having a Hole in Your Life

1. To Feel Unconditional Love: It rubs me so weird when people cite this reason because it really make me think that they never experienced unconditional love in other areas of their lives which makes you think if they are capable of showing that kind of love. I have felt that kind of love with my friends and family, with animals, with myself to a certain extent. And it's like, if someone has to be your child for you to experince that kind of love, I'm sorry, that's not unconditional love. 
2. For a Sense of Fulfillment: I think fulfillment can be a valid reason but I think it's how you go about it. If you are dependent on having a child to have a sense of fulfillment, that's a little weird because a child comes into the world not knowing how to basic things like walk. I think putting your sense of fulfillment on a baby is a pretty big ask and a burden. Your fulfillment is your responsibility. That said, I think kids can enhance whatever sense of fulfillment or lack of fulfillment you have. I think it can be a beautiful to share your sense of fulfillment and pour that into someone else to help them grow and develop into their own person. 
3. To Make You Happy: Again, that's a pretty big ask to someone who just got here and doesn't know how to even talk and just a pretty big ask to anyone. I don't think it's wise to put the burden of your happiness on anyone especially child. I think this can also yield to some people to put their mood dependent on their children and that's not a healthy dynamic because of how it clashes with self regulation and responsibility when it comes to emotional reactions. 
4. To Fix Your Marriage: I have personal beef with this one. I was the baby my parents had to fix the marriage. And I spend many years having to play therapist with my parents from my childhood which I had to unpack. Plus, if you have a chaotic marriage, what makes you think a baby is going to make that any calmer? If anything, people struggle with their marriage the most, even those with healthy relationships, for the first 3 years of a child's life because of how big the life transition is. On top of that, if you get through those 3 years, that kid will be subject to whatever chaos you guys have in your household and trust me, that doesn't yield to well adjusted results. 
5. To Re-experience Childhood: I feel like this can come in one of two ways. There are people who approach this in a healthy way where it's like they want to broaden their life experiences by watching a tiny person learn how to navigate life from literally the first steps and onwards. But then there are those people who want to live through their kids for whatever reason (insert the Disney cliche where the Dad says "Son, you're giving up on your dream"  and the son  is like "I'm not giving up on my dreams, Dad, I'm giving up on YOURS.")
6. A Sense of Meaning: This goes along with what I said about a sense of fulfillment. I think it's important to have a sense of meaning before having kids and share that with your family rather than having your family determine your sense of meaning. I feel like this is especially true for women because we're pushed to have kids and have that be what defines us and it's so important to have other life experiences and have a well rounded life and idenity outside of motherhood regardless of whether you decide to have kids or not. 
7. To Give a Better Childhood than the One You Experienced: I'm going to be honest, I do see part of myself in this and I'm trying to be careful in the extent that this is the reason why I want to have a child. I think this can come from a lot of trauma and can come from an unhealthy place, causing you to create a differnent kind of fuck up compared to the kind of fuck up you were raised as. Please don't project your trauma to your kids. 

Category Three: External Influences

1. Social Pressure: This can include anything from gender roles to your annoying aunt who keeps asking you and your spouse when a baby will be on the way. And nearlly all of the people who put this pressure on you have the least at stake when it comes to you deciding to have a kid or not. Some people are really nosey, have no sense, and are judgemental af towards people who may want to be childless because of whatever insecurities they way have in their life decisions. Also, in some cases, misery loves company. It' s just such a personal I feel like generally speaking this is doesn't end well when people have kids because they are pressured to do so. 
2. To Repopulate the Earth: I feel like this mainly applies to the pronatalist of the world like Elon Musk or Nick Cannon who basically have a fetish around having a bunch of baby mamas and spreading their seed. While the pronatalists are a small percent of the population, I do think some people still think that if you don't have kids that humans will cease to exist. And while I'm not someone who thinks that overpopulation is a threat we face, I think it will take quite a bit for 8 billion people to just go extinct. The pro-natalist are worried about underpopulation and I feel like a lot of it has to do with having enough bodies to exploit for capitalism to keep going which honestly, fuck that. 
   • Honestly, I also think that anti-natalists are also fucking weird because of how black pilled and doomer they can be. I don't think overpopulation is the problem rather making sure that everyone has food to eat and shit has more to do with resource allocation/ wealth distribution rather than us not having enough resources to support people. 
3. To "Go Forth and Multiply" / Religious Fundamentalism: Idk, maybe I encountered quite a few of these kinds of people because I live in Texas or because I discovered the Morman family blogger side of YouTube. I think this can be wrapped up in the social pressure point but I think it needs a bullet for itself. I honestly feel like having more than like 4 kids usually yields to neglect and the parentification of the older kids because there is no way that you as a parent can take the time to give every kid what they need emotionally and in terms of time. Plus, how tf are you doing this in THIS economy. I have questions lol. 
4. Someone to Look After You When You're Old: Again, another reason that I didn't know what category to put it at. It's kind of like the very first point I made in Category One where people claim that having kids is selfless but then cite really selfish reasons. First of all, even if you have kids, there is no gurantee that they will want to care for you in your old age or if they will be able to (i.e. they could be disabled, have other burdens, they could die before you get old etc.).  Second, the money that you save as a childfree person and likely help you to have a more comfortable retirment so that you don't have to rely on relatives as much. And then there is the whole lonliness argument and honestly, I don't think a nuclear family is the solution to that problem. You can still have friends and have a sense of community with the involvement you have with your surroundings. Popping people out of you pussy is probably not the best way to create a sense of community nor is it definitately not the only way to have community and a sense of belonging.  

[soos_mite_ah]

TLDR So Far: I feel like I could really envision myself having a kid if I had the following gurantees: 

1. They won't have severe disabilities and won't get into a freak accident
2. I have a partner that will be supporting me through the process of child rearing financially, emotionally, and in terms of putting in the same amount of work 
3. I have a partner whom I have a healthy, loving relationship with and who is compatible with my life goals, parenting styles, and general life style
4. My partner and I make enough money to where we can easily support a family and give the child a live they deserve 
5. Postpartum won't be absolute hell 
6. I have the time and energy to be a good mother and maintain my own sense of identity. 

But even then, I still have the following questions: 

1. Is motherhood for me? How badly do I want this? 
2. How do I feel about being in a care role for the baby years? How would my partner and I handle that situation? 
3. Can I handle something like preganancy and giving birth? 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

I feel like learning gentle parenting techniques and watching them played out is a little hobby in mine lol 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

The American Education System (and Just Society as a Whole) 

 

I can't believe I haven't written about this especially since I have talked to a lot of my friends about this topic. The education system as it is right now is giving me an existential crisis in terms of having a kid. I have seen a lot of accounts of teachers expressing what they are encountering in schools in this post pandemic world and it's very concerning. A lot of these kids are so behind in terms of literacy that you have middle schoolers who are reading at a 3rd grade level. I mean you can most definitly say that a lot of it probably had to do with online learning, something that even I as a college student struggled with but I recognize that it's so much worse when you have trouble retaining basic and fundamental information and literacy as a small child. 

However, it's important to recognize that it's not just COVID. You have the impact of the no child left behind policy where kids are being passed along when they haven't gotten the skills they need to go to the next level causing things to snowball and them to be even more confused and behind in years to come. You have how teachers are constantly burnt out and can't even pay their bills much less educate kids properly even if they wanted to (honestly, whenever I find out that someone I knew has become a teacher or a nurse, I immediately think they are in the trenches). Then you have the influence of politics and anti-intellectualism with all of their book bans and fear mongering. And of course, even if you aren't a facist, this rage against teachers and the education system is trickling down and causing people to disrespect teachers even less causing more uproar in classrooms and little Tommy can't get disciplined because the teacher is villanized when they tell his parents he's misbehaving because the parents think Tommy is a perfect angel. Not to mention the school shootings and other people's feral kids who are probably feral because their parents are neglecting them by shoving an ipad in their face or by doing gentle parenting incorrectly where they just don't have any boundaries or structure with their kid. And honestly, sometimes you can't even blame the parents because they're probably working multiple jobs to pay the bills because we live in a cost of living crisis and they probably just want an hour or two of peace while they get dinner ready and decompress. And of course these kids don't see hope for the future and the thought of wanting to get higher education because that shit is expensive and they can tell that life is going to shit and it's really hard to have aspirations to guide you and ground you so you have something to work towards under these conditions. The parent's aren't okay, the teachers aren't okay, and the children are definitely not okay. 

I'm not going to blame the children in this situation. They're just here and no generation is inherently feral lol. But  socially there is a lot of things happening at this time and schooling is not exempt from that. And while being child free is becoming more accepted nowadays, I also think that there are still a lot of parents who don't put much thought into having kids. There are people who treat having kids as a think to mark off their bucket list, or treat having a baby as a cute little accessory / mini me. And of course you have the people who are just recklessly having sex as well. So there are definitely parents out there who didn't go into this thinking about the educational implications of how they are going to raise their child from their basic literacy to things like higher education and extracurriculars. And I just think it's buck wild to not think of these things because it's just so different from the way that I grew up. 

Having a good education was front and center of how my parents were raising me. Though I will admit that they went overboard to where they had unrealistic expectations that were abusive and they could have also focused on other areas of my development, the bottom line is that my education was prioritized. It was prioritized in the form of being sent to private schools because the schools in my area weren't that great, my mom sitting with me as I did my homework, doing other school related activities outside of school, travelling, and having college being an expectation. And when I hear about these accounts and these kids, I honestly think about the amount of privilege I had in this upbringing and how that has shaped me not only into who I am today and the opportunities I have, but also my ability to make effective, well thought out decisions in my life. And honestly, sometimes I wonder if I decide to have a kid if I would be able to provide for them in the same way in terms of giving them a quality education, whether it be public or private, and travelling with them. I think that on top of being able to sustain having a kid, there are added costs on the quality of life that I want to give my child especially in these conditions where certain life styles aren't as accessible as they once were in say the early 2000s for example. 

On top of that, my dad was self employed and worked like 20 hours a week and my mom was a stay at home mom during my early childhood. I also had relatives who helped my mom take care of me when I was an infant. I had a lot of time with my family and while I have a good bit of trauma, being materially neglected or neglected from the attention of my parents because they weren't around or they were too tired to engage with me is not one of them. And I don't know if I will have similar circumstances that will give me that community and financial support to raise a kid well. 

And then of course you have the health care system and issues around maternity leave, the cost of life in general, the lack of community, and the possibility of me bearing most of the load in raising the kid. I sometimes feel like having a child feels out of reach even if I wanted one because I feel like I have to marry really rich to give my child the life deserve and / or move to another country like New Zealand and uproot my entire life so that my child doesn't have to be raised in the U.S. Unless I'm rich or I marry rich, it's hard for me to think of raising a kid in the U.S. Like there are some serious changes that need to happen in this country before I think of bringing a child into this world. I'm talking universal healthcare, gun regulations, affordable higher education, better wages, a reformed school system, etc. and a big part of me thinks that it's unlikely that all of this will happen within the next 10 or so years. 

So even if I have what it takes to be a good parent and even if I have a desire to be a parent, systemically things feel like they are stacked against me and my ability to provide a good life for my kid. And that is a horrible thought to have in my opinion. I know we talk about being pro-choice in terms of having rights to an abortion but also, I think being pro-choice includes the choice to have a child and alleviate the decisions that can sway the decision of people who would otherwise want to be a parent but is afraid that they can't provide for their kid once they bring them to this world. Advocating for better wages and working conditions so that people can be with their family in a healthy way is pro-choice. Advocating for maternity and paternity leave is pro-choice. Advocating for proper education is pro choice. Anything that can improve the living conditions of even the people who are living right now, is pro choice. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Therapy Notes 1: Gambling 

I started talking about this topic in therapy after a long awaited amount of time. For this session, we mainly focussed on the difficulties of parenthood and why I'm against having a kid. In our next session, we'll delve more deeply into why I'm for having a kid but that is something that is yet to be seen. 

I addressed many of my concerns in this therapy session. These included my fears around pregnancy, labor, postpartum, and how delicate raising a baby is and how on top of that is physically exhausting. We also talked about changing relationship dynamics, the chance I marry a guy who wouldn't help out at home much, the isolation around motherhood and the struggles many women have with losing their identity because they no longer have time to take care of themselves or engage in hobbies and while many women love their children, they don't enjoy motherhood. And finally, we talked about the chaos of the world around us, climate change, school shootings, and affording a good quality of life and education for the kid. 

A lot of it came down to the notion of *will I be able to handle X if I have a kid?* Will I be able to handle an event where my child is severely disable? Will I be to handle an event where the father doesn't contribute much to the household? Will I be able to handle the stressors of being a mother and being on 24/7? Will I be able to handle the health issues that comes with pregancy and giving birth? Will I be able to handle postpartum? And while it's good to have these scenarios as a possibility so that you don't look at becoming a mother in rose toned glasses, you're aware of the red flags that are present in potential partners, and you are mentally prepared of the various ways parenthood can test you, I don't think it's entirely healthy to focus on the negative aspects. You can be aware of them, but you don't need to be lazer focused on them. I feel like for me personally, I should probably step back from social media just a smidge when it comes to these types of content because while it's good to have some anecdotal evidence, just because something happened to someone, doesn't mean you will have the exact same experience. And I don't think it's entirely healthy to anxiously come up with future possibilities, scenarios, and how to react to them over being able to be present and tap into how you feel about a situation now. We'll cross the bridge when we get there. Speaking of crossing bridges when we get there, I think a lot of these doubts also has to do with doubt I have in my own ability to respond. Sure, I'm not ready now. But I have still a good 8+ years left to grow into the person who is able to deal with these types of situations and have the emotional regulation skills to take care of myself and respond to my parenting responsibilities accordingly. 

Then there are my anxieties around choosing the right partner. I understand that having a kid can change the dynamic of the relationship and that there are guys who say they really REALLY REALLY want to have a kid and that they'll step up and take responsibility but once the kid gets here, you're pretty much on your own. It's similar to how kids talk about wanting a pet and how they swear they'll take responsibility for it but then the parent gets stuck having to clean up after the pet, taking them on walks etc. And while there is a risk that your partner can switch up on you, I think there are some warning signs that you can clock early on to avoid getting into this situation. Some of it involves how much he pitches in on domestic chores and how regularly, to what extent he can grasp the responsibility around having a kid, his attitude around household labor, the way he has interpreted his family dynamics and dynamics of the families in his community,  his reasoning why he wants a kid, and his over all competency around being a good partner such as being able to communicate, take accountibility, be gentle etc. And I guess since I do have a track record of having good relationships whether it be platonic or romantic,  I do have faith in myself to be able to choose well. Then again, I'm so cocky to think that just because I'm generally well thought out and fortunate in this aspect that shit can't happen to me and I wouldn't ever be dealt a bad hand. But I do think that having a really good partner (and a village to a certain extent) is essential to navigating parenthood and having a more equitable division of labor and involvement in raising the kid. 

Speaking of the village, that's another thing that worries me. It's a chaotic world out there. And while I don't think it's wise to bubble wrap the kid and sheild them from what's happening, I do want my kid to grow up in a good environment. I understand that there is only so much I can control on my end in raising a child well and that there are tons of unknown variables in school, broader society, entertainment, etc. I know there is a chance that my kid can fall on the wrong path and really fuck up their life and not have it be my fault. You can do everything right and still have your kid turn into an ass because they are their own person. 

I will also say, I do think it's a good sign that I'm putting this much thought and work into seeing if this is a good choice for me. I remember being like this prior to getting into a relationship. While I was a little spiky and on guard when dating, it did save me from a lot of questionable situations and it did ultimately lead to me choosing well and being considerably more chill about it. And I can see the same detail oriented tendency come in when it comes to deciding to be a parent and with who as well. I do think I need to trust myself more lol. I have build a good life for myself. I'm healthy and self aware. I have dealt with difficult things before. And I have good people around me becuase I choose/ attract good people and I'm good at maintaining healthy relationships. That all points to something, right ?!

I guess after writing all of this out, motherhood feels like a gamble. Will I have the resources and capability to handle what is being thrown at me and / or will I grow into being that person? Will I have a good spouse and support system to help me raise the kid? What about the circumstances outside my control that can greatly impact the outcome of how my child grows into a person? There is a chance that all of this can turn out well but there are also plenty of pitfalls along the way as well. I guess for me, it comes down to the degree of uncertainty I can tolerate to take a risk like this as well as how strong my desire to have a kid as well. I know in this session I focused on the negatives but I do plan on exploring the other side of this more in a future session so I'm sure more entries are to come. 

Over all, I feel more balanced after talking about this with a therapist. I do think it was wise to step away from family and childfree related content on the internet so that the horror stories don't mess  with my head and cloud my judgement too much. I felt like I was catastrophizing less and that I could point to parts of my life that indicated that I had the competence to be a parent in the future. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Therapy Notes 2: Green Flags and Beige Flags 

The last time I discussed motherhood in therapy we focussed on all of the reasons why I'm hesitant to be a mother. This time we explored the part of me that wants to be a mother. 

My main reasons why I want to be a mom include wanting to watch someone grow and develop and be the guiding role in that, how I can be easily satiated with my life to where I can see myself building a happy and fulfilling life for myself that I would want to pour into a child, and to an extent how I want to raise an emotionally healthy kid to flex on my parents lol. I have expanded on the first two points in this journal so I'm not going to repeat that. It was nice to be able to explore in a therapeutic setting though because I feel like I got to unpack these reasons with a 3rd party who has professional experience and education to suss out warning signs. 

I really focuseed on the last point about wanting to raise a healthy kid because my parent's sucked at raising me. I saw the potential of this being a red flag because it could be interpreted as me wanting to have a kid to resolve my own trauma and give them the childhood that I didn't have. I can see on how this can come from a place of selfishness and unhealed issues that can signal that my decision to be a mother isn't coming from a healthy and authentic place and  how that in turn be projected on to the kid and fuck them up. However, upon further unpacking in therapy, I realized that for me at least, it's not coming from that toxic place. It's not uncommon for people to have adverse childhood experiences that can in turn result in them being a good parent because they know what not to do and how to respond to various challenges. The first thought I have is Dr. Doofenshmirtz in Phineas and Ferb and how he had a shitty childhood, thus causing him to be a super villain, but he's also an amazing dad who always goes the extra mile for his daughter lol. 

Then there is the whole generational trauma thing. I feel like I have worked through a lot from the stuff that got passed down to me in terms of mental health, bad relationship dynamics, unhealthy ways of coping due to things like child marriage, wars, genocides, famines, etc.  And I have created a beautiful life for myself and I'm just getting started. It also gets me emotional when I think about the life I had and the priviledge I had when it comes to doing this work because a couple generations ago, my grandmother was married off at 14, didn't get the chance to complete her education, and basically had her whole life chosed for her. And here I am. I'm well educated. I got the chance to travel. I was raised in a stable enough environment to develop myself. I have a job and I'm financially secure. Sure, I didn't have an easy time in terms of family and mental health but I still got through to the other side of it. And I can only imagine what I would be able to provide for my future kid from this place and I want to see the amount of progress that would take place in the next generation.  Just because part of this decision comes from past hurt, doesn't automatically mean that I'm going about this in an unhealthy way. 

In my fears about it being a red flag that I want to have a kid to give them the childhood I didn't get to have, I wanted to explore how I genuinely cannot picture having a boy. Ngl, part of me would be a little disappointed if I found out at the baby shower that I was having a boy instead of a girl. I genuinely cannot picture having a boy, I just draw a blank. And in being able to identify this tendency in myself, I wondered if I wanted to project onto a kid or if this is just coming from a place of not being able to picture boyhood since I only have experience with girlhood and the challenges that come with that. The last thing I want is to be one of those parents who is pissed off at the gender reveal because they have internalized misogyny or misandry that they didn't unpack. 

Upon exploring this, I think it's a beige flag that I cannot imagine having a boy. I think my dad went through something similar where he was a little disappointed when he found out I was a girl. The reason he wanted to have a boy was because I wanted to see boyhood in a different time and environment through his son's eyes and be able to connect to his son in that way. But he thought to himself *well you know what, at least my wife gets to have this beautiful experience.* This conversation happened in the context of me talking about how I don't have a good relationship with my mom and how we're not that close.  And he explained that it breaks his heart that my mom took that for granted and has such a bad relationship with me because he wouldn't have squandered an opportunity like that. But he's still grateful that we were able to have such a close relationship and that he was still able to have that close relationship he wanted to have with a son with me even if he doesn't understand everything I deal with fully. I think I find myself in the same dynamic as well in relation to wanting a girl. I also think that since I grew up as an only child, girlhood is the only reference to childhood I have in a family structure and as a result, it's easier to imagine. It also adds to the learning curve if I end up having a son because there is only so much I know about the male experience since I don't have direct experiences of it. Which is why having a solid husband is all the more important because he needs to be able to model a healthy form of masculinity and relate to the challenges that can come up when a boy is growing up on a more personal level. 

I also know that I will need to alter my parenting style based on the type of kid I end up having and their unique needs. I can't just be the parent that I wish I had because what I need and what my kid needs can be two totally different things because we're totally different people. I also know that my skills as a parent doesn't determine the outcome of who my child becomes. It most certainly plays a large role and I'm not denying the responsibility of that. But they are also their own person who will respond to their own environment and life circumstances accordingly. I think that's important to consider because there are many times in my life where my mom saw my actions and performance at school as like a reflection of whether or not she was a good mother based on what the other competitive South Asian moms were doing. The other South Asian moms had kids who were valedictorian and who got into super prestigious school. I got decent grades and got into a good school but I could tell that at times my mom felt the need to pressure me further and have that manifest in really negative ways because she felt insecure, because she felt like she was doing something wrong because she thought her kid didn't measure up.  I want to steer clear of that. My child is not a mini me nor are they an extention of myself and my needs. And I think that this self awareness more or less debunks this notion that I'm having a kid because of some unhealed part of me to reproduce a childhood I didn' have and to have a girl that I could project onto. 

In conclusion, after this therapy session, I left feeling more sure of myself. I feel like while I don't know whether or not I want to have a kid that I'm putting in a lot of good thought into it and that my deisres for wanting to have a kid is coming from a healthy and authentic place. I don't know what my ultimate decision is and I have plenty of time to figure it out. But I do have the confidence to know that whatever I choose, I'm going to choose well because I'm thinking through this carefully and intentionally. 

[soos_mite_ah]

If the Stars Align

After the previous 2 therapy sessions I found my feelings around motherhood temper out a bit more.

For example, when it comes to why I don't want to be a mother such as the struggles people go through with the pregancy and post partum, the concerns I have with the world around me being chaotic, the unequal distribution of labor, and the possibilities of accidents and special needs, they all still seem like perfectly valid concerns like before but after therapy, they also feel like me carefully considering the side effects in fine print. Like birth control has pages and pages of side effects that can really fuck someone up but not everyone has to deal with (I personally don't have issues with the side effects, just the occasional nausea) even though it's a very real concern. And even if people deal with it, there are ways to tackle things and alternatives they can explore. I believe motherhood has as similar dynamic as medications that have a lot of side effects but are still good however, I do recognize that unlike medication, you can't just stop being a mother so it's important to take the fine print and side effects of motherhood more seriously through a fine tooth comb before jumping to any conclusions. Nevertheless, while I still feel scared, I feel less scared because I don't entirely know how things are going to turn out for me (and it could turn out positively) and I know that even if I'm intimadated by the challenges ahead, that doesn't mean I won't acquire the tools over time and step up when the challenges are presented to me. After all, I'm not planning on having kids for another 8-10 years. 

Alternatively, when it comes to my feelings regarding wanting to be a mother, I think it's great that I'm thinking through this carefully to make sure my desires are coming from a good place and I think it's been nice to unpack this with a professional. I have very valid questions for myself and I'm glad I explored those and came to the conclusion that I have my head screwed on well regarding wanting a kid. I feel more self assured when it comes to making this decision because I think I have my head screwed on well enough to be able to challenge my thinking and be self aware in my decision making if I do decide to have a kid. 

While there is a part of me that doesn't want to have a kid and a part of me that does want to, there is also a third part that is kind of in the middle where I'm like *I could have a kid.... but only under specific conditions.* I feel like this is more of a middle ground compared to the other two sides in that it keeps the possibility of having a kid or not open ended. I'm not super attached/ desperate to the idea of having a kid because I can envision multiple ways I could still be happy and fulfilled in my life if for whatever reason having a kid is just not in the cards for me. I don't want to have a kid because it *will* make me happy and fulfilled. If I have a kid, I want it to come from a place where I'm already happy and fulfilled and I want to share that and the life I have built for myself with that kid. I also know there are other ways of satifying my maternal urges to guide and nurture from volunteering with kids, being a part of the community for my friends who decide to have kids, volunteering for a pet shelter, or having a pet or two. As a result, if I do end up on the road to being child free, I don't see this being a source of a gaping hole in my over all life satisfaction. And of course, I don't want to have a kid unless I'm sure that I can give them the life that they deserve. That goes beyong giving the bare minimum of food, water, shelter etc. but also includes being able to afford a good education, travel, and extracurricular activities. At the very least, I want them to have the same quality of life materially as I had growing up if not better. 

So here are some scenarios that I can see myself having a kid in addition to having an exceptional partner and community around me: 

A. My husband and I both make decent money and are able to move to New Zealand to raise the kid. 

B. There are serious changes that have been made in the U.S. government (reforms in health care, education, cost of living, parental leave, gun laws, child care etc.) 

C. My husband is absolutely loaded to where we can afford to give the kid a good life and have the means to make good decisions despite being in America in the occasion that America doesn't change. 

If I don't meet the right man in time (say I'm like 37 and still single with no signs for worthy prospects) and if one of the following scenarios doesn't come true, I'm just going to say that having a kid is just not in the cards for me from the universe and just call it a day. There is also the possibility that I am still unsure in my late 20s but my thing is, if I'm putting this much thought into this decision only to still be unsure at like 28, at that point the indecisivness isn't coming from wanting to see all possibilities rather it's coming from a place of probably deep down inside not wanting to do this. I agree to a certain extent that if you're not sure, the answer is no, if being unsure is coming from a place of hesitation rather than justified scrutiny. 

So then the next question is, what does make a man worthy of being the father of my potential child in addition to simply being a good spouse?: 

• Doesn't see child care and taking care of the home as a gendered activity. 
• Enthusiastically and diligently wants to be an active role in the child's life and has thought of the reprucussions of having a kid as deeply as I have
• Is willing to take time off work to take care of the kid until they reach school age and I am willing to
• We have an exceptional, healthy, and fulfilling relationship that can deal with the challenges of parenthood effectively. We need to model a healthy relationship for the kid, he needs to be a good role model, and he needs to be a good team member when it comes taking on this project together. 
• Is incredibly supportive of what I may go through physically and mentally in this transition, carries the load of being a parent with me, and is trusted to take care of the kid if for whatever reason I'm not able to. 
• Has similar philosophies on the topic of raising kids (i.e. not super relgious in the upbringing, doesn't believe in hitting kids, understands what healthy parenting looks like, emphasizes educational achievement etc.)
• Is capable of supporting a family montetarily 
• Has a good amount of family support and comes from a healthy household (optional but highly preferred). 

[soos_mite_ah]

Yikes

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Hi! This is such an interesting topic as a self-actualization. Good luck on your journey!