Contemplating Motherhood

[soos_mite_ah]

@mydiamondsandpearls Thank you so much!!! I hope you enjoy the posts lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I find this topic interesting because I feel like the expectations people had for things such as parenthood and even weddings has changed so much since social media and influencers started posting things. I feel like a lot of these things were much simpler in the past whereas now on the internet, they look like larger than life spectacles. I know it would be pretty chronically online to assume that everyone is having over the top weddings and are giving their children over the top childhoods but I do think that this type of content does affect what standards are seen as aspirational and even normal. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Therapy Notes 3: Provider 

I discussed much of what I wrote about in the post below in therapy: 

Basically it boils down to the fact that there is a part of me that wants to have a kid, but only in specific circumstances. And if those circumstances don't come into fruition, that's fine because I can still envision having a happy fulfilling life because I'm not going into the notion of having kids is going to fulfill me rather I want to build a fulfilling life and pour into / share that with someone. And even if that someone isn't born, well I still have a beautiful life that I've built for myself. I think that I have a more nuanced view of this matter after these three sessions and I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders in terms of decision making and consciously making this decision. 

I detailed this in a past post but the three scenarios where I can see myself having kids is as follows: 

On 7/3/2024 at 9:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

A. My husband and I both make decent money and are able to move to New Zealand to raise the kid. 

B. There are serious changes that have been made in the U.S. government (reforms in health care, education, cost of living, parental leave, gun laws, child care etc.) 

C. My husband is absolutely loaded to where we can afford to give the kid a good life and have the means to make good decisions despite being in America in the occasion that America doesn't change. 

If I don't meet the right man in time (say I'm like 37 and still single with no signs for worthy prospects) and if one of the following scenarios doesn't come true, I'm just going to say that having a kid is just not in the cards for me from the universe and just call it a day. There is also the possibility that I am still unsure in my late 20s but my thing is, if I'm putting this much thought into this decision only to still be unsure at like 28, at that point the indecisivness isn't coming from wanting to see all possibilities rather it's coming from a place of probably deep down inside not wanting to do this. I agree to a certain extent that if you're not sure, the answer is no, if being unsure is coming from a place of hesitation rather than justified scrutiny. 

We discussed these scenarios in therapy and talked about how this is coming from a place of wanting to be well prepared for the common challenges of parenthood as it relates to money, childcare, medical matters, education etc. The thing is, there are a lot of unknowns when it comes to parenthood and I'm going to be challenged. But while there are a lot of unknowns, it's best to prepare for the known challenges of having a kid so that you have the bandwith and capacity to deal with the curveballs. I think I also need to trust my ability to handle unknown situations or at the very least trust myself to be able to reach out and get the resources I need to handle said unknown situations.

I do believe this inner sense of confidence is something that can come with age and challenging myself as I continue to grow and change as a person who is figuring out adulthood and as I navigate other life transitions over the years from switching careers, moving, travelling, and more. I do have faith in the person I become and I think I'll know more concretely where I stand with the topic of having kids when I am a bit older. Not only that, who knows how much the world can change in that time. The world has changed a lot in the past decade, albeit not in positive ways. But I'm sure good changes can happen too and a decade is a pretty long time. 

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Not only did we discuss my ability to provide when it comes to having a kid but we also talked about how I would need to approach dating if I have the intention of potentially having a kid. I explored this in the same previous post I have been referring to:

On 7/3/2024 at 9:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

What does make a man worthy of being the father of my potential child in addition to simply being a good spouse?: 

• Doesn't see child care and taking care of the home as a gendered activity. 
• Enthusiastically and diligently wants to be an active role in the child's life and has thought of the reprucussions of having a kid as deeply as I have
• Is willing to take time off work to take care of the kid until they reach school age and I am willing to
• We have an exceptional, healthy, and fulfilling relationship that can deal with the challenges of parenthood effectively. We need to model a healthy relationship for the kid, he needs to be a good role model, and he needs to be a good team member when it comes taking on this project together. 
• Is incredibly supportive of what I may go through physically and mentally in this transition, carries the load of being a parent with me, and is trusted to take care of the kid if for whatever reason I'm not able to. 
• Has similar philosophies on the topic of raising kids (i.e. not super relgious in the upbringing, doesn't believe in hitting kids, understands what healthy parenting looks like, emphasizes educational achievement etc.)
• Is capable of supporting a family montetarily 
• Has a good amount of family support and comes from a healthy household (optional but highly preferred). 

Basically, this boils down to the guy taking an active role in raising the kid and doing domestic labor, is reliable when for whatever reason I'm not able to follow through on these responsibilities (whether I'm struggling mentally, physically, or if I'm absent in the event of death), has thought through the implecations of having kids as carefully as I have and is compatible with my philosophies around parenthood,  and has the material means of supporting the kid. In other words, I don't want to be alone in dealing with the struggles of parenthood materially in the form of monetary commitment and domestic duties or mentally regarding similar views and in terms of emotional support in challenging times 

We talked about how I feel about screening for such things in a relationship and having these standards. While I don't think there is a 100% chance of me knowing how a guy is going to react to being a father until the baby is here, I do believe there are signs in the relationship based on how he treats me, his attitude towards taking care of the home, and how living together would work. And of course I can have conversations with this guy regarding his thinking process around having a kid. All of that I'm comfortable with and it's also things I want to check out via living together before marrying someone even if having a kid is off the table. 

I also discussed the growing trend on the internet regarding traditional gender roles and *finding a provider man.* While there are some decent relationship advice out there regarding red flags to look out for, I also feel like a lot of dating advice nowadays is hyper individualistic but not particularly individualized in that it cannot take an individual's situation into nuanced consideration and can be blanket advice.  I feel like nowadays there seems to be this notion that there is only one way that a healthy relationship can look, where a man provides financially 100% and the woman is in her receiving energy. There is nothing wrong with that so long as it's coming from a healthy place for both parties but that is not the format that feels authentic for everyone. I feel like for me personally, I like taking a more active role in the relationship and sometimes pay for dates because.... well I like doing nice things for my partner and he likes doing nice things for me and it's reciprocal. Like it's not coming from a pick me complex where we're both keeping score and tallying up when it's someone's turn to pitch in.

But this notion around dating to find a provider man I feel is coming from a back lash of the girl-boss feminism of the 2010s and how we're idealizing being able to provide for a family on a single income since the economy is going to shit and more and more women don't want to work and instead wants to have the option to stay home and take care of the kids.  A whole generation of women have been told that we can do it all. And while this is empowering, a lot of us also heard that we need to do it all, and it's fucking stressful if you don't have an adequate amount of support. So people are pushing back against this. However, the problem around getting a provider man who will pay all of the bills is that it sells a fantasy rather than a solution. The solution isn't that we all get out of the workforce to be stay at home wives and mothers so that we don't have to deal with the stress of working like we don't have a family and providing for a family as if we don't have a job and other plights of late stage capitalism by opting out of the system. The solution is having the option for affordable childcare, higher wages, maternity AND paternity leave, access to quality health care etc. 

Nevertheless, I feel like this type of advice to lock in a rich man and the singular model of what a healthy relationship looks like has an appeal with the way that it gives a formula and sense of predicatability on how to achieve desired results in an increasingly chaotic and unpredictable world and dating landscape. Sure I can brush some of this off as chronically online but we also need to acknowledge that this is coinciding with the prevalence of online dating where you're essentially meeting people from the void of strangers in max 100 mi radius rather than the natural filtration process of your social circle. Besides dating apps, I think there is also an inherent level of unpredicatbility when it comes to dating and it's natural for our human minds to want to find patterns to explain this madness, even if such pattern doesn't actually exist, for a sense of predicatabily in having desired outcomes.

I think for me at least, feeling like I need to date with the attitude of *I need to find a rich provider man* is me trying to craft a sense of predicatability in a relatively unpredictable situation (because hey, we don't know how exactly the guy will react until the baby gets there). As I started unpacking this in therapy, it's obvious that the blind spot of this is that just because a guy provides monetarily doesn't mean he will actively be involved in the home and child rearing. And while I know this, I guess there is a part of me that wanted to hold on to this misconception because there is a part of me that thought well maybe if he can provide financially, he's also likely to provide in the home and emotionally as well. The other part of me is just being influenced by the trends around me at this period of time where traditional gender roles are having a resurgance.  Basically, I need to touch grass lol.   

Edited July 13 by soos_mite_ah