Completely lost and trapped in my mind

[Matthi]

Hi,

Right now I am stuck in a situation that seems unbearable and I don't know if I will be able to escape. 

So, three weeks ago I finally managed to move out from my parents house (I'm 25 years old now). Life there was unbearable and so my only thought was to get away, but I was severely traumatized from something that happened 10 years ago (and still am), to the point where I felt incapable of doing even normal tasks, and even if I managed to do them, they would stress me out so much that I barely had energy left after.

I thought, when I finally would be away from my parents, and the rest of the family, who treated me like complete shit and tried to convince me everyday that I am a retard, everything will become so much easier. And than I finally managed to move out, without a job, via a Website called Habyt.com, which makes moving out very simple and doesn't require many documents (that I didn't have). So that's great. But I couldn't afford a whole appartement for myself on this site, but only a shared one (for three people total). And this was my mistake. Because I have extreme social anxiety, like really extreme. But when I got to the apartment, I was lucky because no one else was there. And then no one came in the first two weeks. And in these two weeks I was finally able to relax a bit for once. I mean, I was still in emotional pain, but now atleast I was alone and, I don't know, I just felt more free, and something in me felt relieved, despite the pain that was still there. It's like something somewhere in the background of my mind, that had been constantly there for a long time, disappeared. There was still much suffering, but not constant stress on top of that anymore. 

On the second day after moving out I texted my mom that I don't want to have contact to her or the rest of the family in any way until the end of March 2024. Later she called me on the phone and started crying and asked if she was ever gonna see me again. I promised her that she will. Doing this, and the phone call after, broke my heart. It still feels broken. But this was necessary, or I will go even more crazy, the way I was before. 

Anyway, it turned out, I still wasn't really able to do much, which was to be expected, since I only just had moved out. I didn't cook, because the thought was too stressful, so I went out to eat everyday. But usually I was too scared to go into a restaurant, so I just bought junk food at subway and McDonald's. Additionally I ate lots of candy. Lots of it. I also barely could sleep, which wasn't new, only this time it wasn't from the constant stress and fear of being in a toxic and abusive environment, but just from the overwhelming amount of hurtful emotions and thoughts. It still was much better than before though. But I still was suffering a lot and felt incapable of doing anything, and I still felt incapable to get a job. I should be able to last a few months, moneywise, but still. Eventually, because I couldn't think of anything else, I contacted a therapist. The session is next week, though I don't have any hopes in it.

Anyway, here is the thing that destroyed me, which is that yesterday a new roommate showed up at my apartment, and now my social anxiety hit me at full force. All bit of peace and stress-lessness of the first two weeks has been blown away in an instant, as has the tiny bit of clear thinking I was capable of then. Now I'm a wreck. I am so scared of doing anything in the apartment. I am so scared to leave my room, because I might encounter my roommate. She probably thinks I'm a freak. Well, at least I think that. My body is so tensed up constantly. I don't know how long I can survive this. I have no idea what to do now, or how to escape this situation. 

Of course there is that appointment with that therapist next week, but honestly, he will probably turn out to be a narcissistic piece of shit like almost all other therapists I had the pleasure of meeting so far. So I don't really have much hope for that. And even if he turned out to be fine, then it would probably be too slow. Because I think even good therapy takes months and years to get really good results. But I can't wait that long. I am in extreme pain right now. 

I started meditating a few weeks ago, and I think it has a good effect on my mind while I do it, but again, it only has a small effect for a short period of time, and it will probably take months and years until it will really transform my mind. I will keep doing it, but it isn't enough right now. Because I won't survive multiple years in this state.

I don't want to go to a psychiatry or something, because that's where much of my trauma comes from. About ten years ago, when I was 15, my parents sent me to a psychiatry for a total of about 3 months, because I wasn't obedient enough, and to convince me further of how I retarded I was and how I deserved punishment. When I got out of there, I didn't feel like myself anymore. Suddenly, I couldn't express my emotions anymore. I didn't cry anymore. Which also made the psychiatrists diagnose me as autistic, while completely denying my suffering. So, that's my experience with that.

Okay, this is all I can think of to write for now. I'm sorry that this got so long. And I'm not even sure what my question is, other than maybe if you have some suggestion of what I can do now. But of course that's stupid of me to ask, because how the fuck are you supposed to know what I should do with my life? And on top of that, I will probably get offended by most responses to this, for varying reasons. But I wanna try anyways.

So, that's it. Thanks for reading, and maybe for responding. 

 

[SonataAllegro]

You are not stupid, you are suffering. Continue to not contact your family and do one small positive thing per day for your well-being till it snowballs. Don’t worry about your rommmate, thinking about what she thinks of you is gonna turn into a negative spiral. Break the ice and meet her, perhaps even tell her your going through some stuff so she’s not worried. Your parents are the cause of this, as you clearly state. Don’t contact them, you made the right choice. Therapy should be grounding as well if it’s consistent. Also avoid any psychoactive substances. Best of luck!

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[Salvijus]

Allow anxiety to kill you. You'll see it's actually not that bad. Rather feels kinda liberating. (It's a subtle meditation pointer btw)

[Salvijus]

You can also visualize the crucifixion of Jesus happening in you while you allow the anxiety to overhealm you perhaps you'll realize the meaning and the feeling of resurrection and ascension.

This simple method does work wonders.

Edited September 22, 2023 by Salvijus

[hyruga]

Yes rise above all -John Cena. Rise above your intellect.

 

[Salvijus]

Lol

[TheAlchemist]

On 17.9.2023 at 2:14 AM, Matthi said:

Hi,

Right now I am stuck in a situation that seems unbearable and I don't know if I will be able to escape. 

So, three weeks ago I finally managed to move out from my parents house (I'm 25 years old now). Life there was unbearable and so my only thought was to get away, but I was severely traumatized from something that happened 10 years ago (and still am), to the point where I felt incapable of doing even normal tasks, and even if I managed to do them, they would stress me out so much that I barely had energy left after.

I thought, when I finally would be away from my parents, and the rest of the family, who treated me like complete shit and tried to convince me everyday that I am a retard, everything will become so much easier. And than I finally managed to move out, without a job, via a Website called Habyt.com, which makes moving out very simple and doesn't require many documents (that I didn't have). So that's great. But I couldn't afford a whole appartement for myself on this site, but only a shared one (for three people total). And this was my mistake. Because I have extreme social anxiety, like really extreme. But when I got to the apartment, I was lucky because no one else was there. And then no one came in the first two weeks. And in these two weeks I was finally able to relax a bit for once. I mean, I was still in emotional pain, but now atleast I was alone and, I don't know, I just felt more free, and something in me felt relieved, despite the pain that was still there. It's like something somewhere in the background of my mind, that had been constantly there for a long time, disappeared. There was still much suffering, but not constant stress on top of that anymore. 

On the second day after moving out I texted my mom that I don't want to have contact to her or the rest of the family in any way until the end of March 2024. Later she called me on the phone and started crying and asked if she was ever gonna see me again. I promised her that she will. Doing this, and the phone call after, broke my heart. It still feels broken. But this was necessary, or I will go even more crazy, the way I was before. 

Anyway, it turned out, I still wasn't really able to do much, which was to be expected, since I only just had moved out. I didn't cook, because the thought was too stressful, so I went out to eat everyday. But usually I was too scared to go into a restaurant, so I just bought junk food at subway and McDonald's. Additionally I ate lots of candy. Lots of it. I also barely could sleep, which wasn't new, only this time it wasn't from the constant stress and fear of being in a toxic and abusive environment, but just from the overwhelming amount of hurtful emotions and thoughts. It still was much better than before though. But I still was suffering a lot and felt incapable of doing anything, and I still felt incapable to get a job. I should be able to last a few months, moneywise, but still. Eventually, because I couldn't think of anything else, I contacted a therapist. The session is next week, though I don't have any hopes in it.

Anyway, here is the thing that destroyed me, which is that yesterday a new roommate showed up at my apartment, and now my social anxiety hit me at full force. All bit of peace and stress-lessness of the first two weeks has been blown away in an instant, as has the tiny bit of clear thinking I was capable of then. Now I'm a wreck. I am so scared of doing anything in the apartment. I am so scared to leave my room, because I might encounter my roommate. She probably thinks I'm a freak. Well, at least I think that. My body is so tensed up constantly. I don't know how long I can survive this. I have no idea what to do now, or how to escape this situation. 

Of course there is that appointment with that therapist next week, but honestly, he will probably turn out to be a narcissistic piece of shit like almost all other therapists I had the pleasure of meeting so far. So I don't really have much hope for that. And even if he turned out to be fine, then it would probably be too slow. Because I think even good therapy takes months and years to get really good results. But I can't wait that long. I am in extreme pain right now. 

I started meditating a few weeks ago, and I think it has a good effect on my mind while I do it, but again, it only has a small effect for a short period of time, and it will probably take months and years until it will really transform my mind. I will keep doing it, but it isn't enough right now. Because I won't survive multiple years in this state.

I don't want to go to a psychiatry or something, because that's where much of my trauma comes from. About ten years ago, when I was 15, my parents sent me to a psychiatry for a total of about 3 months, because I wasn't obedient enough, and to convince me further of how I retarded I was and how I deserved punishment. When I got out of there, I didn't feel like myself anymore. Suddenly, I couldn't express my emotions anymore. I didn't cry anymore. Which also made the psychiatrists diagnose me as autistic, while completely denying my suffering. So, that's my experience with that.

Okay, this is all I can think of to write for now. I'm sorry that this got so long. And I'm not even sure what my question is, other than maybe if you have some suggestion of what I can do now. But of course that's stupid of me to ask, because how the fuck are you supposed to know what I should do with my life? And on top of that, I will probably get offended by most responses to this, for varying reasons. But I wanna try anyways.

So, that's it. Thanks for reading, and maybe for responding. 

 

Hi Matthi,

What I'm hearing is that you are feeling very overwhelmed and in pain right now, you have just gone through a major change in your life and you're also experiencing strong anxiety and stress from traumatic experiences.  You might be experiencing this because your need for love, autonomy and basic support wasn't met in your home as you grew up, and that deprivation was in and of itself traumatic. You were also deprived of basic psychological safety in that environment and in those circumstances where the traumatic events took place. 

I felt inspired when you said how you left that very difficult circumstance, I thought it was a bold and very courageous thing to do. 

I am learning about Nonviolent communication (NVC) in my life atm and my purpose with this (perhaps odd) response is to try and learn how to connect with peoples underlying needs and emotions, and express that I feel compassion and empathize with these struggles you have been through. Please correct me if I have misunderstood some things. 

Much Love.

Edited September 23, 2023 by TheAlchemist

[AndylizedAAY]

This is what it's like to easily get lost in the mind time and time again. To jailbreak the mind and to untangle it would be awakening.

[Leo Gura]

@Matthi This is an opportunity for you to grow socially, to learn to be comfortable around other people. That is necessary for your future regardless.

Try this exercise: go deliberately be around other people, and when that happens, consciously try to relax your body and mind. Don't think about anything, don't tense your body, and just be at ease as other people are around you. And keep doing that. You don't even have to talk to them. If they talk to you, you can tell them that you just want some space to relax and meditate.

[strika]

On 17. 09. 2023. at 1:14 AM, Matthi said:

Hi,

Right now I am stuck in a situation that seems unbearable and I don't know if I will be able to escape. 

So, three weeks ago I finally managed to move out from my parents house (I'm 25 years old now). Life there was unbearable and so my only thought was to get away, but I was severely traumatized from something that happened 10 years ago (and still am), to the point where I felt incapable of doing even normal tasks, and even if I managed to do them, they would stress me out so much that I barely had energy left after.

I thought, when I finally would be away from my parents, and the rest of the family, who treated me like complete shit and tried to convince me everyday that I am a retard, everything will become so much easier. And than I finally managed to move out, without a job, via a Website called Habyt.com, which makes moving out very simple and doesn't require many documents (that I didn't have). So that's great. But I couldn't afford a whole appartement for myself on this site, but only a shared one (for three people total). And this was my mistake. Because I have extreme social anxiety, like really extreme. But when I got to the apartment, I was lucky because no one else was there. And then no one came in the first two weeks. And in these two weeks I was finally able to relax a bit for once. I mean, I was still in emotional pain, but now atleast I was alone and, I don't know, I just felt more free, and something in me felt relieved, despite the pain that was still there. It's like something somewhere in the background of my mind, that had been constantly there for a long time, disappeared. There was still much suffering, but not constant stress on top of that anymore. 

On the second day after moving out I texted my mom that I don't want to have contact to her or the rest of the family in any way until the end of March 2024. Later she called me on the phone and started crying and asked if she was ever gonna see me again. I promised her that she will. Doing this, and the phone call after, broke my heart. It still feels broken. But this was necessary, or I will go even more crazy, the way I was before. 

Anyway, it turned out, I still wasn't really able to do much, which was to be expected, since I only just had moved out. I didn't cook, because the thought was too stressful, so I went out to eat everyday. But usually I was too scared to go into a restaurant, so I just bought junk food at subway and McDonald's. Additionally I ate lots of candy. Lots of it. I also barely could sleep, which wasn't new, only this time it wasn't from the constant stress and fear of being in a toxic and abusive environment, but just from the overwhelming amount of hurtful emotions and thoughts. It still was much better than before though. But I still was suffering a lot and felt incapable of doing anything, and I still felt incapable to get a job. I should be able to last a few months, moneywise, but still. Eventually, because I couldn't think of anything else, I contacted a therapist. The session is next week, though I don't have any hopes in it.

Anyway, here is the thing that destroyed me, which is that yesterday a new roommate showed up at my apartment, and now my social anxiety hit me at full force. All bit of peace and stress-lessness of the first two weeks has been blown away in an instant, as has the tiny bit of clear thinking I was capable of then. Now I'm a wreck. I am so scared of doing anything in the apartment. I am so scared to leave my room, because I might encounter my roommate. She probably thinks I'm a freak. Well, at least I think that. My body is so tensed up constantly. I don't know how long I can survive this. I have no idea what to do now, or how to escape this situation. 

Of course there is that appointment with that therapist next week, but honestly, he will probably turn out to be a narcissistic piece of shit like almost all other therapists I had the pleasure of meeting so far. So I don't really have much hope for that. And even if he turned out to be fine, then it would probably be too slow. Because I think even good therapy takes months and years to get really good results. But I can't wait that long. I am in extreme pain right now. 

I started meditating a few weeks ago, and I think it has a good effect on my mind while I do it, but again, it only has a small effect for a short period of time, and it will probably take months and years until it will really transform my mind. I will keep doing it, but it isn't enough right now. Because I won't survive multiple years in this state.

I don't want to go to a psychiatry or something, because that's where much of my trauma comes from. About ten years ago, when I was 15, my parents sent me to a psychiatry for a total of about 3 months, because I wasn't obedient enough, and to convince me further of how I retarded I was and how I deserved punishment. When I got out of there, I didn't feel like myself anymore. Suddenly, I couldn't express my emotions anymore. I didn't cry anymore. Which also made the psychiatrists diagnose me as autistic, while completely denying my suffering. So, that's my experience with that.

Okay, this is all I can think of to write for now. I'm sorry that this got so long. And I'm not even sure what my question is, other than maybe if you have some suggestion of what I can do now. But of course that's stupid of me to ask, because how the fuck are you supposed to know what I should do with my life? And on top of that, I will probably get offended by most responses to this, for varying reasons. But I wanna try anyways.

So, that's it. Thanks for reading, and maybe for responding. 

 

Brahmacharya/semen retention is the only thing that will truly help you with a problem like this, i'm talking from the personal experience, other techniques can be helpful as well but they don't fix the core problem, brahmacharya/semen retention does.

This video is a good place to start, give it a try!

[Reignforest]

I would recommend reading or listening to "the myth of normal " by gabor mate.  Just don't use it as an excuse to be a victim.

Also if you're not female I would recommend trying to live off the land and focus on survival. If you are female,  perhaps look into intentional communities. 

[Anna Nomas]

@Matthi Small victories are huge when you’re suffering. zoom in and take each moment at a time. celebrate every moment that you move through the fear, even for literally one second, then next time two seconds… and so on. Let yourself be proud of these moments of growth and be open to self love despite suffering