Journeyman pt.2

[Ulax]

Yello peeps,

Thought I'd start another journal up. Closed my previous one for now at least.

Have been feeling pretty isolated without a journal, and would be nice I feel to start one up again.

Still battling against the mental health issues, namely dissociation.

I've made some big steps forward I'd say. I'm currently seeing an osteopath/ cranial guy, and also an acupuncture lady once per week.

The acupuncture is pretty mind blowing because it has given me my first experiences of coming out of dissociation. It was pretty shocking to me at first because it showed me just how dissociated I've been all my life. Like, I expected things to be different outside of dissociation but not as different as they became. Mostly in terms of the difference in vision. Such a mind fuck for me all of this.

Acupuncture is the first thing that has made any noticeable difference to my dissociation. And thank god for that.

I'm a couple of sessions into the osteopath guy too now. The osteopathy is very interesting to me. It works through the practioner touching or holding various parts of your body. I think there is some sort of energy work involved with it.

But I feel the combination of these is great. I'm v grateful to have the financial means to access these both simultaneously.

Also, have been working a lot on see-hear-feel meditation. I've found some stuff that actually works. Namely, outer see with rapid finger tapping.

Have been dealing with lots and lots of flashbacks though. And, lots of effects of gaslighting. Because a big thing has been lots of people denying my CPTSD and dissociation. Its been an incredibly isolating experience for me.

I also have a two week mahasi noting retreat booked in for next month.

Have also met with two potential therapists. Both with a somatic focus and a focus on dissociation.

Plus, recently cut out a friend from university. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

Finally started taking the antidepressant 'Sertraline'.

The effect is so dramatic for me. Thank god. Truly thank god.

Every minute of each day was suffering with DP/DR and accompanying severe depression. Fuck that.

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Got the osteopath tomorrow and Acupuncture soon too

Edited September 18, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

So, it seems i'm finally in a new chapter of my life. After a very fucked up one.

The ssri has worked a miracle on me. Coincidentally, my meditation practice finally clicked. And I've ramped up to doing 4.5 hours per day of it. I've been expermenting daily with meditation techniques for days, and I finally got it. Essentially, I've created a new technique via combing the mahasi noting technique with shinzen young's noting gone technique. Essentially, what I do is I do watching the breath in the abdomen and labelling rising-falling. Then as soon as an inner experience come to awareness I label 10 gones on that inner experience. Then return to the abdomen labelling.

I call it 'mahasi gone'. A lot of shadow stuff has been coming up, and i've been having some ego backlash. Like I've found myself taking out revenge via online trolling on a old teacher who used to harass me at school on twitter. The ssri definitely helps with the practice.

I've stopped doing the acupuncture and the osteopathy as of late. Mainly because the practioners kept pissing me off, giving me unsolicited advice, or being patronizing. Also, I had time to get some feedback from the techniques and I think I'm best placed to look elsewhere for the time being.

I've finally found my 'unicorn' therapist too. In the cptsd community, people use this term to refer to basically a very good cptsd therapist. Which i've found to be surprisingly rare. Also, i think the combo of the antidepressant and the therapist are useful too. The  therapist specializes in dissociative disorders and cptsd. They are an integrative therapist and use mainly a combination of sensorimotor therapy, IFS therapy and somatic experiencing.

Although i've had numerous hardships I can't help but feel guilty at the same time. I've been very privelleged to have a lot of financial support and to live in a first world country with a welfare programme. Some of the shit i've seen on forums is so harrowing. Like you have women with severe cptsd in fucking iraq who are dirt poor. Or having cptsd and being homeless.. How the fuck they are going to get out of that situation i have no idea.

Before therapy pickup was like an obsession of mine, I guess stage orange v green transition. And I felt like a bit of a dumbass for putting so much emphasis on it instead of therapy for a while. But I dunno, if I hadn't gone through that period I don't think I would have ever cultivated the skills of taking the world as it is. I have this sort of mantra 'there's the way the world is and the way you want it to be'. And, I think that has helped me get to where i am. Because fuck man being bedridden by mental illness for years, and everyone criticizing you is fucked. You open up to people and they fucking laugh in your face. Its insane. I dunno man, its just fucked up.

[Ulax]

Have been putting the hours into meditation. Still the mahasi flow technique. Am doing hours per day. Unstructured atm, in that i don't plan it out.

I'm going to play with doing two 3x1 hour meditations per day going forward too.

[Ulax]

Clocked in 6 hours of mahasi flow meditation. Did 4 sets of 3x30 mins.

I throw in a bit of conscious mental rest (CMR) meditation every now and again too. Its a non directive type of meditation. 

Man, I'm so fucking grateful I finally found a meditation technique that works for me and I can go hardcore with. Its taken 8 years of searching. 

The past few years have been like a war. I told myself I would just practically lock myself in my room until I figured out what the fuck was going on, and until I solve it. And it seems that journey is bearing fruits. The funny thing is to most it will just seem like someone who was very lazy finally got there act together. But hey, if you know, you know.

Edited November 24, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

Another 6 hours of mahasi flow put in today.

[Ulax]

Am going to add in some centering prayer after the mahasi flow stuff.

Am thinking about potentially switching therapists yet again. Things are so much easier now im out of dissociation. And with that my needs have changed. I was looking for some Somatic experiencing help for the dissociation, but now I'm more interested in a combination of Somatic experiencing and IFS. But we'll see.

Am going to work on my internet addiction too. It should be much easier now to deal with now. And should make it much easier to day to day tasks. Though I wonder what might come up.

I might do some AA 12 step type stuff as well.

Am also thinking of self studying for a sociology exam too.

But I think mainly I need to work on getting some sort of routine going and working on the addiction. My mind is so good at rationalizing or dismissing my addiction.

Edited November 28, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

Have continued with my practice.

Have started having rather intense dreams. Including a couple intense nightmares, one was particularly terrifying. Both I woke up from screaming my lungs out too.

Have selected a level 3 IFS therapist I want to work with now too. With all the meditative gains it should be much more seemless re IFS.

 

 

[Ulax]

Man it is wild to be emotionally stable. I was so fucked up lmao. Pretty much borderline feral ahahaha. I laugh but fuck. I dunno how im still alive.

Looking for ways to fill up my day now. I have my meditation stuff which is great and will plug in an ifs therapy sesh  soon.

Want to get into some kind of routine.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

Think I'll add in a session of mantra meditation, using 'om sri rama jaya rama jaya jaya rama'. Like perhaps one 30 min session midday.

I also ordered an xbox which im quite excited about. So, can just meditate, therapy and xbox for a while. Then when im ready I can get on with normie activities, i.e. life purpose, dating.

Edited December 2, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

Getting some FAT ego backlash. Keep obsessing over getting revenge over perceived wrongdoers from the past. I even downloaded an ebook on ways to get revenge earlier lmao. 

Am working on getting my concentration practice sorted to deal with it. Dry insight practice is intense man, gotta make it wet.

Am retrying a few of the practices I came up with during the fucked up times. Hopefully they should work in these lighter times.

[Ulax]

Think I've found the accompanying meditation I've been looking for. Gonna try doing 2 x 30 minute conscious mental rest, alongside the mahasi flow. Would total 5 hours per day.

Have met with 3 different IFS therapists recently. One stood out to me, she was pretty hot as well lol  - nice bonus hehe.

[Ulax]

Dodson: "Be-Do-Have 

Levels below 200 are focused on " Having". All of life 
involves and surrounds what someone has and can 
get. 
Levels 200-450 revolve around "Doing". All this " Doing" is what built civilization as we know it. 
On levels 450-600 the persons focus is on "Being". It is not important what one owns (has), what one does (profession) but who one is (personality, energy-field). 
Lower-level consciousness thinks that the best method  to achieve something is Do-Have-Be. "If I workout (do), then I have muscles (have) and then I'm respectable ( Be)". A much easier life begins with Being and then letting the actions naturally come from that Being which will eventually result in Having (this is described in detail in my book " Parallel Universes of Self") "

[Ulax]

Added in yoga nidra to my practice too. I think the embodiment is v useful.

Also, I want to have one sesh of concentration meditation per day. Will make it a mantra one.

So, currently my day will be broken into three practices:

1

- Mantra (30 mins)

- Yoga nidra (10)

- Mahasi Flow (60)

2

- Yoga nidra (10)

- Mahasi Flow (60)

- Conscious Mental Rest (30)

3

- Yoga Nidra (10)

- Mahasi Flow (60)

- Conscious Mental Rest (30)

Have meeting with the final prospective IFS therapist tomorrow too. She is very well regarded so let's see. 

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Actually I'm going to swap in counting meditation for the mantra one,

Edited December 6, 2023 by Ulax

[Ulax]

This doesn't stop making me laugh each time I see it lmao

[Ulax]

 

[Ulax]

Well, cut my dick off and call me Ulaxella, I think I've finally made it out of the inner hood

 

Edited February 14 by Ulax

[Ulax]

 

[Ulax]

 

[Ulax]

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
- Anne Lamott