Personal Development & Self-actualization Journal (All in one)

imit · September 9, 2023

Date: 09.09.2023

Time: 1:12 PM

Entry: #001

The need for one such thing as personal development journal is high right now as Im facing critical year in my personal development journey. Many things needs to happen during the next 365 days and Im really asking a lot from my self. The main problem right now in my life is sexual addiction, and I deeply belive if I get rid of that nasty bad addiction which is rooted in ***ography and masturbation and most recently in very light forms of sexual deviations like voyeurism and exibitionism, but I won't let it grow any further. On the contrary, I will make it get eradicted from my life with the help of this journal as a way of pragmatic and proactive problem solving strategy. On the other side, it will be really helpful to integrate writing in my life as I think it very helpful in organizing chaos into order.

Adding journaling as habit into my habit tracking system. Let's get it rolling.

Edited September 9, 2023 by imit

imit · September 10, 2023

Entry: #002

Date: 10.09.2023

Time: 1:12 PM

Integrated in commonplace book? Yes

Journal: Running Journal

Subject: Belgrade 10k Nike Run

Yesterday was the race day, I did run my 10k at 55:46, my overall score was 682 which was not that bad considering that there were over 1.400 participants. Generally speaking, it was a nice experiences altough I was triggered a lot by my worst fetish - yoga pants. For ignorant addicts that would be paradise as there were many girls if not almost all in yoga pants and leggings but for the addict that is trying to fight his addiction, it was a struggle, sort of mini hell of that much exposure to the thing that is making me horny 95% when I look at it.

Nice thing also was that my mother was there for me, to hold my stuff and wait for me on the finish line, take a picture and be support to me. Im also glad and grateful for the mom and for my girlfriend which was also supportive, not being there in person, but supporting me remothly.

I just figure out that I will probabbly race till I die. Even in those old years in which I will be grumpy grandpa, I will still race and run as I feel really FREE and like Im acomplishing something. It's also gorgeus and magnificient to have something that you are working on and to see the progress over the years. To invest and build something that is healthy and meaningful, because yeah, for me, I find meaning in running as Im pushing my self over my current limitations. Running is making me alive, but also it's making me become better version of myself. All important deceisons, at least majority of them, came from the mind that was inspired during my running sessions. After all, there are many benefits, and the most important one is I think ability to hardened your mind. To make your mind more sharper, more focused, more calmed, more clear of thoughts. Somestimes, while Im running I feel like Im meditating and other times, I feel like Im in a war with myself, and there are also times when running feels like healing or source of inspiration. It's a beautyful sport.

Currently, I have total of 3 medals in my arsenal, and I will continue to build stregth, improve my results over the course of the next few years or decades and definatly, Im going to collect really a lot of different medals that would mean something to me, that will shape the image of myself better, as it will be undeniable proof that Im pragmatically working on myself.

Edited September 11, 2023 by imit

imit · September 10, 2023

Entry: #003

Date: 10.09.2023

Time: 12:33 PM

Integrated in commonplace book? Yes

Journal: Life in General

Subject: My Family That I Love Significantly

Im listening to Handel, to one especially dear piesce of music but ultimatly sad. I've been thinking about my parents that while observing that they have around 60 years, both of them, my mother 59 and my father 62, it made me really sad to think that I have only maybe 10-20 years to spend with them and after that Im going to be alone. No single connection except probabbly with future childeren, could be that strong. Im literally crying while writing this as it's very frightening to think about losing your parents, especially when you have very loving bond with them, viewing them as your closest friends that wants you no harm, and wants you all the best in your life. When I think what they had to sacrife for me to be able to have normal and happy childhood. This life is just hard and the dificulity of life increases as years increses.

This thought of me losing my parents, and the thoughts of them not being able to have peacful retairment due to bad financial situation is just killing me. I really want to help them out, I want to transform our lives gradually. But I know that I just wont be able to do the best stuff if Im lazy, if Im procrastinating on my life purpose, on my career. I just get it that I want to work really hard, it's needed and expected from me so I wont have any regrets later of being able to do something in the past but not doing it due to ADHD, being INFP personality type or being bulied and sexually abused as child. I do not want to complain. I have really strong reasons to live my life to the fullest and not wory about the stuff Im worrying right now.

As a man, when you do your truely best, you just know it in your core of your being. It feels right. So right now, I know Im not living my best and I need to change that in the course of the next few years or decades. There are many things in my life I need to get rid off, to clean up certain parts of my life (to purify them), to organize, build and improve life with higher qualities. My idea is to work hard every second of my time.

What would even mean to work hard every moment of my free time?

To not waste time
To not procrastinate
To not be lazy
To commit to action every single day
To increase work load and time spent working day by day
To reduce time wasting gradually over time, by spending that time doing something useful
To work under pressure and stress
To work till exaustion
To work on your life, life purpose, finding meaning in your life, building grand vision and writing mission declaration
To often review your daily quests, mission, goals
To often visualize success, your ideal life
To eliminate hard addictions / soft addictions and generally speaking any deceptin, lies or distractions from my life
To do the things I like to do
To push myself over my limits mentally as well as Im pushing myself phisically
To be intrinsically motivated through life

I deeply belive that it's possible not just to DO something usefull in every single moment, but to USE every moment wisely. That would mean to be more consciouss in your life of yourself and how you spend your time in general.

Edited September 11, 2023 by imit

imit · September 11, 2023

Entry: #004

Date: 11.09.2023

Time: 10:54 AM

Integrated in commonplace book? *** Not Yet. ***

Updates:

Journal: Ideas

Subject: Journaling Ideas - Expanding on what to journal about

This is the list which I will update regularly. It will consists from all the ideas that I brainstormed on which I could expand in this journal.

Golden Nugets of Understanding - INSIGHTS
Golden Nugets of Knowledge and Wisdom - Resources and Ideas
Contemplation Journal in which I will contemplate and brainstorm great ideas and resolve all issues that are bothering me, creating solution for every problem in life
Sudden IDEAS on how to implement something or how to solve some problem that is impacting my life
Life Memories - I could expand on my past, dig deep down on who I was and how it shaped me to the man I am today, to dig up valuable lessons from the past, to make peace with the past, the ressurect memories from the childhood, it could be pricless thing to do
Journaling about the progress Im making in areas of focus, deep work sessions results and progress in all six areas of building skills and expertise: Self-actualization, Personal Development, Psychology, Web Development, Piano Mastery, Workout & Running
To be continued...

imit · September 15, 2023

Entry: #005

Date: 15.09.2023

Time: 11:32 PM

Integrated in commonplace book? *** Not Yet. ***

Updates: /

Journal: No PMO / Hard Addictions

Subject: Leaving pornography, masturbation and any other "wierd" or "sick" habit coupled with sexuality that I have. Eradicating all fetishes and kinks that might be harmfull to a healthy romantic relationship.

So it got to the point that Im 30 days partially clean and I will explain what that means to me in a couple of moments.

In the past 30 days I did not:

I did not opened any pornographic site and indulged in any sort of hard pornografic content
I did not used my "favorite" or to better say "most pleasurable" pornographic sport - Exposing myself online to strangers (Usually web cam sites)
I did not searched pornografic or sexy* content on google
I did not searched sexy images on any platform or social media such as instagram

In the past 30 days I did:

Exposed my self out of curiosity and out of inner assurance that "that content is not porn", searched and viewed AI Porn/sex like images (2 times)
Struggled with lusting in public places especially in public transportation as I was deprived from my old sex/porn habits
I had a few boners while I was sitting in a bus around hot/sexy girls
I was lusting a lot while in busses and public places, struggling a lot when I come home after lusting episode
Masturbated while I was at my workplace which was pretty shamefull thing to do
Masturbated 5-8 times during the whole month, usually in crisis and strugle times
Got blowjob and handjob from my girlfriend, had sex 0 times last month
Touched myself over chlotes while I was in the car traveling as I lusted in a public on some girl, eventually cummed (Pretty shameful thing to do, not going to repeat it ever again!)

At least, there were no big secrecy and hidding in our romantic relationship, I really was at least 95% honest with my partner except for couple minor things as masturbation and touching myself. As far as this month is over, I feel like I made some progress but sitll Im sturggling a lot more in public places then ever before. From here, I need some plan, strategies and tactics to get over next month as CLEAN as POSSIBLE.

For the next 30 days I will enroll in this self-made challenge that SHALL transform my life and to certain extent REWIRE my brain.

It is absolutly forbbiden to do these activities:

Acting out in public places in any way
Getting boners around girls
Heavly lusting in public
Masturbating at workplace and any other places that is not my home
Using pornografic materials any sort - Porn sites, webcams sites and any other that includes digital nudity
No more google image search, quoara sexy questions search, erotic text pornografy, light pornography
No more instagram searches or any other app searches for sexy stuff

The number one thing to rember in the next 30 days is to stay clean in the head. Recovery is possible for me, I just need to be patient and to proactivly avoid temptations and as many times as needed, just say NO to:

Others girls - you only have one and it's your loving partner.
Porn
Sexy stuff
Naughtiness
Kinks
Fetishes
Sexuality in general, anything related to sex. It could be sexual thoughts, fantasies or anything else that comes from being sexualy aroused other then your loving partner

In case of hardships, call your love and always be honest to her. She will sooth your mood and urges more efficiently and healthy then anything else on this world probabbly will. Other then that, use next 30 days to WIRE your brain to:

Phyiscal Training is a big must. Go to the gym, run or go do street workout, but lose that sexual energy in a good and healthy way
Deep Work is second big must. Put in a couple of hours daily/weekly into your prusuit of happiness, you deserve your dream career and it's possible to you
Think Deeply, sit down and meditate on some problems you are facing, contemplate the meaning of life and death. Ask yourself a profoundly deep questions and investigate your soul to the core.

The most important things to keep in your head is to NOT LUST in public and STAY SAFE at home.

Other useful habits:

Meditate
Take cold showers
Breath deeply
Have a good nights sleep
Have a strong mornign routine
Have a gentle evening routine
Read read read, everyday read books and research content that you like
Reduce screen exposure on your phone or your PC
Write, journal about anything you want
Sit in the silence
Practice mindfulness meditation
Build commonplace book
Cultivate a vision, write down your mission declaration, work on your life purpose
Start making commonplace book creative output
Eat healthy foods
Sleep well, stay hydrated
Etc... Anything healthy in general

Avoid unhealthy habits:

Avoid fast foods
Avoid snacks
Avoid sweets
Avoid sugars
Avoid sodas
Avoid TV movies/shows
Avoid Gaming
Avoid social medias
Avoid bakery products
Avoid smoking
Avoid drugs
Avoid gambling
Avoid impulsive shopping
Many other things to avoid...Anything unhealthy in general

Be bored, stay bored and accept it. Don't procrastinate. Do usefull stuff. Practice doing nothing and being happy about it. Start socialising with other people. Exit your comfort zone and do at least one thing you are not comfortable with. Build healthy habits, stay in shape.

This is my plan to leave PMO for good, once and for all. What I need to do now is to reboot and rewire my brain for 90 more days. This will be my main quest and most important task further on for the the next couple of months. Honestly, if I can leave pornography and sexuality behind in my life and desexualize my brain, I can do literally anything with my life.

Currently what Im lacking the most in my life is:

Practical implementation of knowledge I have acquired over the years and that Im acquiring right now
More practicality in my life, I need to be far more pragmatic person, I feel like Im far more comfortable with theories then implementation
Strong will to say NO, to persist and perservere through any hardships in my life
Self-discipline to implement habits that will push me towards self-actualization

Conclusion is that I need to ask far more questions regarding pragmatic approach in life and to IMPLEMENT practices and techniques.

Tracking:

Day 1/100 - 15.09.2023 90% Clean (small amounts of lusting in public) NoPMO Checked
Day 2/100- 16.09.2023 <input>

Edited September 15, 2023 by imit

imit · September 16, 2023

On 9/11/2023 at 10:55 AM, imit said:

Entry: #004

Date: 11.09.2023

Time: 10:54 AM

Integrated in commonplace book? *** Not Yet. ***

Updates:

Journal: Ideas

Subject: Journaling Ideas - Expanding on what to journal about

This is the list which I will update regularly. It will consists from all the ideas that I brainstormed on which I could expand in this journal.

Golden Nugets of Understanding - INSIGHTS

Golden Nugets of Knowledge and Wisdom - Resources and Ideas

Contemplation Journal in which I will contemplate and brainstorm great ideas and resolve all issues that are bothering me, creating solution for every problem in life

Sudden IDEAS on how to implement something or how to solve some problem that is impacting my life

Life Memories - I could expand on my past, dig deep down on who I was and how it shaped me to the man I am today, to dig up valuable lessons from the past, to make peace with the past, the ressurect memories from the childhood, it could be pricless thing to do

Journaling about the progress Im making in areas of focus, deep work sessions results and progress in all six areas of building skills and expertise: Self-actualization, Personal Development, Psychology, Web Development, Piano Mastery, Workout & Running

To be continued...

Best case scenario VS Worst case scenario

imit · September 16, 2023

Entry: #006

Date: 16.09.2023

Time: 04:18 AM

Journal: Insights

Subject: The Key

I really don't know how many times did I got this kind of insight, and always I would feel it to the core of my being as it's very true from my subjective perspective. It's not even overkill to say that anything is solvable in this life just by engaging in spiritual transformation. Many many times I have said that "Meditation" alone is the key to peace, problem solving, clear mind etc..Yes, many things will definately raise out of this journey, from my deep work, life purpose work, professional work, family, love, relationships, life in general. But behind it all, it will be spirituality and spiritual solutions to practically ever problem on this earth.

I know what I was in the past and it's not even remothly close to what Im today. But I will change this with peace, freedom and clarity. I do not want to stagnate in life, I want to grow so badly but I think Im doing everything oposite. Im really disconected from myself deeply. I stopped doing many things that I loved and enjoyed doing. I feel like Im living some kind of mediocre or even below mediocre life and the potential for me is great, and thats the most painful thing to realize. You are capeable of doing many things but you are doing none of it. Beauty, intelligience, character and Im doing nothing with it.

Im not doing everything I can and everything thats in my power. Im just on a stand by, waiting for the perfect moment and indulging in self-deception that Im doing something just by being huge information consumer. Definately, I must shift the table upside down and become highly pragmatic as I belive that I have enough knowledge for 3 life times of average human being. Just start putting it to the practice and start with spiritual stuff as it is the most powerfull one.

In the next time period, I will poste a challenge for me to integrate my pragmatic self-side. The list will consits of few little projects that I need to get done within the deadline and I will prove myself that I can build self-discipline in order to build freedom.

The list is integrated in commonplace book as "Smart Goals" in a form of small/big tasks or projects that I will need to achieve and to keep going and working hard.

Edited September 16, 2023 by imit

imit · September 22, 2023

Entry: #007

Date: 22/09/2023

Time: 20:54 PM

Journal: Life Purpose Work

Subject: Building of Insane Work Ethic & Producing Viable Results

Im really strugling these days in my own head. Yesterday I felt like a king as I had really profound insight regarding sexual transmutation and today Im struggling with keeping my eyes off girls in public and as well on instagram. This doesn't looks like me. I feel that Im kind disconnected from my higher self and my consciousness is singnificantly reduced. Maybe I do not need to punish myself or push even more by beating myself over and over on why Im failing to work hard and transmute sex energy. But, I just know figure it out that I masturbated today and in the last 3 days at least 2-3 times which was significant loss of sex energy. That might be the case, anyway, the problem and the issue here I want to discuss is that I finally can say that Im talker, theorist. That one person that I really do not want to be, Im that. I always talk and talk and talk about englightenment, life purpose, psychology all the fucking time and spend 0h actually working on my life purpose. Yeah right, I spend a lot of times passivly listening to Leo's videos and working on reorganizing my phone apps, todo lists, edditing my habits in my habit apps on phone or research personal development stuff. But I do not work hard. I do not produce results. I do not get shit done. It's time to change that.

How do I practically implement working hard in my life?

The thing is that I have issue of not working hard as I did not decided which avenue will I take, which vision, which way to go, what shape to take. Im lacking the way, therefore, Im lacking purpose but I do have a solid ideas what should be very intresting to me and in which fields I think I would flourish. Let's rewind a little bit. I freaking love psychology, therefore it's my fucking life purpose 100% Im sure. Psychology, with flavours of philosophy. Sage Work. That's my thing. Basic idea here is that I CAN'T do it right now with all my heart, I cant invest 10.000 right away in psychology. I will need maybe 5-10 years of studying consistently to become psychoteraphist by majoring in psychology and then as part time job I will do sage-work and on day job, I will do what I love, psychology and helping people get mentally better. But there is a catch, before I start even studying for psychology I firstly need MONEY and TIME. I need job that will support me on this path. Here comes the thing I really love as it's intresting to me, I can express my passion for technology in creative way and also have enough time to invest in studying psychology. I need that job. Im now working as system administrator, but I will shift in web development as Its far more better option for what I need and I need freedom and to be self-employed so I can be student in my freetime, but by working with clients, to make solid amount of money.

Mission Declaration

My Hero's Journey, practical steps (My Dream Life in 8 steps):

Invest 100% of yourself in learning web development and BECOME a web developer in the next 365 days, it's totally possible, you have what it takes and you are not absolute begginer + you have really solid understanding as you studied computer science already, you have at least 1-2 of programming in java/c#. It will not be that hard for you to become a web developer. No questions asked after this. You know from the next day that your "most important task of the day" is to get shit done by learning web development. If you have time AFTER you have finished working and learning web development, you can proceed to learn psychology or personal development. But No. 1 activity and holy task for the day is: WORK YOUR ASS OFF BY LEARNING AND PRACTICING WEB DEVELOPMENT FOR A FULL YEAR.
If you have achieved the tittle of "web developer" by getting emplyoed within some solid company, you can finally start studying in your free time and commit FULLY to your most important life purpose of all - Studying Psychology! You can work around 100h a month and earn solid amount of money by doing web development and have all your needs meet and still pursue your dream career - Psychotheraphy/Psychology.
Finish university and graduate Bachelor studies and Master studies - get your fucking degree as there is no chance that you will not learn something that you love so passionatly. This step is not yet becoming a Psychotherapist. It's finish university degree. It's big achievemint and I know that I can do it. I deserve to be educated, I will be educated and finish PhD studies if reallity allows me that, meaning I will give my all.
Enroll in psychotherapist school and invest another 4 years into studying how to be psychological therapist and it may be the BEST thing that happened in your entire life or not, it's worth trying.
Now it's the time to get serious about being a modern-day sage and to become one. To research consciousness deeply, to awaken and to write toons of books/blogs/articles/science papers and shoot fucking ton of videos. It's perfect time to launch your personal development YouTube community and invest into it your whole soul.
Now here should be to expirience life to the fullest, to travel a lot and to meet a lot of people from different cultures, to try psychodelics.
Last one, after you have done all you could and achieve your dreams and left rich legacy to the world, the only thing left to do is to be, and to realize fully non dual experience, to sit in the woods and keep being quite. To enjoy existence. To celebrate being alive.
After realizing oneness you can just return to the world and laugh, be guru and teach people. Left this world a slightly better that it was before you were born.

To make summary of upper steps:

Become a web developer - In Progress [Spiral Dynamics Stage ORANGE]
Finish psychology studies - Bachelor Degree [Spiral Dynamics Stage GREEN]
Finish psychology studies - Masters Degree [Spiral Dynamics Stage GREEN]
Finish psychology studies - Doctoral Degree [Spiral Dynamics Stage GREEN]
Finish psychotherapist gradute school - Become Gestalt Psychotherapist [Spiral Dynamics Stage GREEN]
Contribute to the world: Publish books, posts, articles, blogs and leave legacy regarding psychology work [Spiral Dynamics Stage YELLOW]
Research englightenment, consciousness and become a modern day sage [Spiral Dynamics Stage TORKQUISE]
Teach people spirituality [Spiral Dynamics Stage TORKQUISE]

Now it's time to reach 10.000h in web development starting from tomorrow.

The next 2 things will be the most important things in my life:

Ability to eliminate hard addictions - escpecially porn/sex addiction that I have
Ability to build consistency, insane work ethic and to produce results

I will need now to integrate spiral dynamics stage orange. Anything related to spiral dynamics stage orange will be really helpful. I will integrate it inside out.

The first things first, I will track my time in focus todo app and I will update 10.000 hours app monthly, therefore 12 times a year.

I know this will be the hardest step for me, to do stuff thats not so great and do not spark fire and flames in my heart like psychology do, I already know that I wont like doing it at first. I really now, that until I build up some constitency and momentum, it will be god damn pretty hard.

Rember these things:

Your are integrating orange stage in spiral dynamics, it's pretty much important task, you might not like it as spirituality and yellow stage feels like home, but you are not yet there, but hey, this is your journey and you are the hero, one day you will get there. It's possible! Belive it and work diligently. It will pay off definately.
It will feel like you are being punished, you will feel emotional pain but this is the moment you will need to go deep into your archives of your mind and dig up something very painful to use it like motivation and practice david goggins method
It will be very difficult but YOU DON'T GET TO QUIT. Why? Because your dream is far more important then how you will at the certain moment.
Suffer the pain of becoming a better and more capable men, suffer the pain of forging yourself into bright diamond or suffer the pain of regret
You need to brainstorme ideas on how to get shit done more efficiently and how to develop the habit of working hard - the habit of deep uninterputed work. You will maybe need to reasearch and read a ton of books and materials to find out more about technique and methods on how to get more disciplined and work more dilligently.
You will need to suffer a lot, deal with it.
You will need to push yourself in the unknown direction and to figure out the thing on your own
Think of your family, you will literally get rich if you become a master of web development technologies

What are some beautful sides of web development: (if you made it through)

You get to be your own boss, you don't need to have boss/manager above you
You get to work from anywhere in the world you like, you can be on a beach and work
You get to work whenever you feel like working on your projects
You get to have the latest computer and tech. equipement that you desired for the whole life
You get to have your own office and setup you like
You get to earn a lot of $$$, six figures salary if you are extremly good at it as bonus motivation
You get to work on your own terms
You get to teach people coding for money
You get to have passive income by recording courses and educational videos that can get monitized
You get to study psychology or anything you want in life
You get to send your parents onto vacation and to pay them anything that they need
You get to send your parents into pension so they can enjoy life and relax finally
You get to secure your kids future
You get to travel anywhere you want
You get to have anything material that you want, car, house etc..
You get to have clohting you want, style and equipement that you want
You get to do anything you like in your free time, and you get to have a lot of free time
You get to live peacfully by knowing that you are master of your time and that you can have you spare time used in any way you like
You get to do a very difficult and challenging job but still very enjoyable one
You get to enjoy being a technologiest in 21. century, one of the pioneers that are cultivating world wide web, one of the biggest and most profound human inventions
You get to create content for anyone that is curious and want to learn and to teach them
You get to enjoy the fact that YOU MADE IT! Even though you struggle a lot and could do it 10x times more faster, you did it anyways.

Adding "deep work" hours counter that will count the mastery in web development, my main instrument will be skill of writing powerful code in Javascript.

Adding "profound work" hours counter that will count the mastery in personal development including psychology and philosophy.

Let get shit done.

Edited September 22, 2023 by imit

imit · September 25, 2023

Entry: #008

Date: 24/09/2023

Time: 02:50 AM

Journal: Addictions

Subject: Addressing Unhealthy Sexuality

I need to change something, currently Im on day ~42 of no porn/webcam sites etc streak. I did not open any porn sites and I have not masturbated to any sexual content. Indeed, there were few setbacks but not relapses.

Issues that Im facing right now:

I must stop to masturbate completly when Im not with my partner
I must stop exposing myself to sexual content digitally, in the past few days I have exposed my self to a lot of content through instagram, quoara and internet in general. My brain is looking for any kinds of dopamine hits and Im giving him just that. I may preserve my streak for now, but it's risky and faulty strategy. Therefore, it needs to stop.
I need to stop looking women in sexualized kind of manner in public, to have nasty thoughts about sexual acts with other girls other then your girlfriend
I want 0 sexuality when Im not around my girlfriend and I want to be CLEAN in my head, not wanting other girls in sexual manner or to have dirty thoughts about other girls
Dirty thoughts are really the sneaky basterds that Im trying to resist

In few words I have issues with keeping my head CLEAN mentally, with desiring other girls sexually, with masturbating when Im aroused and when my partner is not aware and with lusting in public. This have to stop and I will find a way! It really looks impossible from perspective that I have right now. It's impossibly hard but I know that this is just the moment and I strongly believe that I can crack the code. I can beat the addiction. Im capable.

What can I possibly do to overcome this?

Know in your heart that masturbation is not the option
When in public, look up in the sky if you need, look people in the eye, practice looking people normally
When you feel arousal, do not engage, feel that energy flowing in your body and release it by realizing it and not wanting to engage
In bus, if you feel urge just close your eyes and know that you are safe
When having sexual thoughts, start meditating, focus on your breath and start to integrate yourself more into reality
Practice saying NO to your urges and sneaky little tries for lusting in public / sexual thougths / urges to masturbate
Build skill of resisting urges and temptations
Try to avoid triggers and signals

What can I possibly do to REWIRE my brain from this patern?

I can certainly try to establish more stable and lovable connections with people: on the internet and forums, in public to strangers, with my friends, with my close people and family members
I can try to max out in working hard - deep working / focusing on my web development journey
I can try to work really hard while working out and running, all out style
I can plan out the days in such a way, that Im always doing something and that I do not have free time to look for sexy stuff
I can FEEL the urges as they come and let them go, I need practices! I need methods! I need techniques to beat this addiction!

Maybe it's really hard, but it's possible. I have created this devilish addiction and I can destroy it. I can remove it completly from my entire life. Can you even image what whould happened if the best case scenario happen and I live porn for good and for ever? I have no fucking clue how the fuck my life would be but I know for sure that it would be fucking aweseome.

Worst Case Scenario

You got to live the live of an addict your entire life
You remain addict to the last day of your life and die as an addict
You definatly lose your girlfriend as she will not have interest in someone who STAYS failure
You got no integrity, you got no honesty and you got respect from people around you
You are directionless human that is doomed to fail at anything he starts
Anything you start, you do not finish
You got no meaningful purpose in life
You got no respect from family, friends, girlfriend, community and world
You are living your life lying to yourself with your sneaky manipulative lies to the rest of your life
You got to know the true meaning of word HELL as you got to think of the person you could become and YOU ARE NOT!
You feel like a loser as you are the loser
You got to feel the worst possible feelings
You end up alone, you live alone existence and you die alone
Nothing in your life is enjoyable, there is no happiness and positive feelings wont exist for the rest of your miserable life
You are defeted and you feel defeated and behind in life

imit · September 25, 2023

Entry: #009

Date: 24/09/2023

Time: 03:40 AM

Journal: Self-actualization

Subject: What if?

What if I just stop thinking?
What if I just stop being nice?
What if I just stop lying?
What if I just stop wasting time?
What if I just stop procrastinating?
What if I just stop having addictions?
What if I just stop talking and start doing?
What if I just stop being sexual when not in the bedrom with my partner?
What if I just stop living in comfor zone?
What if I just stop being comfortable at all?

What if I becoome somebody who is disciplined?
What if I become sombedy who has strong integrity?
What if I become sombedy who is brutally honest?
What if I become sombedy who is not addicted?
What if I become sombedy who is shredded as fuck?
What if I become sombedy who runs marathon?
What if I become sombedy who always tell the truth?
What if I become sombedy who finish the what he starts?
What if I become sombedy who is a result maker?
What if I become sombedy who achieve englightenment?
What if I become sombedy who is confident AF?
What if I become sombedy who is charming, beautiful and handsome?
What if I become sombedy who have great social skills?
What if I become sombedy who have friends?
What if I become sombedy who is driven and have strong sense of purpose in life?
What if I become sombedy who is in a commited lovely relationship?

Edited September 25, 2023 by imit

imit · October 5, 2023

Entry: #010

Date: 5/10/2023

Time: 03:00AM

Journal: Deep Work (Computer Science: computer networks exam)

Goal: Gradute with a computer science degree with 8.5> average grade.

Mastery: 2/10.000

Exams Left: 27/32

Exams Done: 5/32

Things done:

~~Just getting started. For full 25 minutes. #pomodro-1 - DONE~~
~~Reading few pages of book, page 26-32 #pomodoro-2 - DONE~~
~~Just started pulling out notes from book, chapter 1 #pomodoro-2 - DONE~~
~~Pulling notes from book into commonplace book, page 1-3 done #pomodoro-3 - DONE~~
~~Pulling notes from book into commonplace book, page 3-5 done #pomodoro-4 - DONE~~
~~Pulling notes from book into commonplace book, page 5-7 done #pomodoro-5 - DONE~~

2 hours of deep work successfully done.

cjoseph90 · October 12, 2023

On 5/10/2023 at 5:02 AM, imit said:

Entry: #010

Date: 5/10/2023

Time: 03:00AM

Journal: Deep Work (Computer Science: computer networks exam)

Goal: Gradute with a computer science degree with 8.5> average grade.

Mastery: 2/10.000

Exams Left: 27/32

Exams Done: 5/32

Things done:

~~Just getting started. For full 25 minutes. #pomodro-1 - DONE~~

~~Reading few pages of book, page 26-32 #pomodoro-2 - DONE~~

~~Just started pulling out notes from book, chapter 1 #pomodoro-2 - DONE~~

~~Pulling notes from book into commonplace book, page 1-3 done #pomodoro-3 - DONE~~

~~Pulling notes from book into commonplace book, page 3-5 done #pomodoro-4 - DONE~~

~~Pulling notes from book into commonplace book, page 5-7 done #pomodoro-5 - DONE~~

2 hours of deep work successfully done.

On 15/9/2023 at 11:56 PM, imit said:

Entry: #005

Date: 15.09.2023

Time: 11:32 PM

Integrated in commonplace book? *** Not Yet. ***

Updates: /

Journal: No PMO / Hard Addictions

Subject: Leaving pornography, masturbation and any other "wierd" or "sick" habit coupled with sexuality that I have. Eradicating all fetishes and kinks that might be harmfull to a healthy romantic relationship.

So it got to the point that Im 30 days partially clean and I will explain what that means to me in a couple of moments.

In the past 30 days I did not:

I did not opened any pornographic site and indulged in any sort of hard pornografic content

I did not used my "favorite" or to better say "most pleasurable" pornographic sport - Exposing myself online to strangers (Usually web cam sites)

I did not searched pornografic or sexy* content on google

I did not searched sexy images on any platform or social media such as instagram

In the past 30 days I did:

Exposed my self out of curiosity and out of inner assurance that "that content is not porn", searched and viewed AI Porn/sex like images (2 times)

Struggled with lusting in public places especially in public transportation as I was deprived from my old sex/porn habits

I had a few boners while I was sitting in a bus around hot/sexy girls

I was lusting a lot while in busses and public places, struggling a lot when I come home after lusting episode

Masturbated while I was at my workplace which was pretty shamefull thing to do

Masturbated 5-8 times during the whole month, usually in crisis and strugle times

Got blowjob and handjob from my girlfriend, had sex 0 times last month

Touched myself over chlotes while I was in the car traveling as I lusted in a public on some girl, eventually cummed (Pretty shameful thing to do, not going to repeat it ever again!)

At least, there were no big secrecy and hidding in our romantic relationship, I really was at least 95% honest with my partner except for couple minor things as masturbation and touching myself. As far as this month is over, I feel like I made some progress but sitll Im sturggling a lot more in public places then ever before. From here, I need some plan, strategies and tactics to get over next month as CLEAN as POSSIBLE.

For the next 30 days I will enroll in this self-made challenge that SHALL transform my life and to certain extent REWIRE my brain.

It is absolutly forbbiden to do these activities:

Acting out in public places in any way

Getting boners around girls

Heavly lusting in public

Masturbating at workplace and any other places that is not my home

Using pornografic materials any sort - Porn sites, webcams sites and any other that includes digital nudity

No more google image search, quoara sexy questions search, erotic text pornografy, light pornography

No more instagram searches or any other app searches for sexy stuff

The number one thing to rember in the next 30 days is to stay clean in the head. Recovery is possible for me, I just need to be patient and to proactivly avoid temptations and as many times as needed, just say NO to:

Others girls - you only have one and it's your loving partner.

Porn

Sexy stuff

Naughtiness

Kinks

Fetishes

Sexuality in general, anything related to sex. It could be sexual thoughts, fantasies or anything else that comes from being sexualy aroused other then your loving partner

In case of hardships, call your love and always be honest to her. She will sooth your mood and urges more efficiently and healthy then anything else on this world probabbly will. Other then that, use next 30 days to WIRE your brain to:

Phyiscal Training is a big must. Go to the gym, run or go do street workout, but lose that sexual energy in a good and healthy way

Deep Work is second big must. Put in a couple of hours daily/weekly into your prusuit of happiness, you deserve your dream career and it's possible to you

Think Deeply, sit down and meditate on some problems you are facing, contemplate the meaning of life and death. Ask yourself a profoundly deep questions and investigate your soul to the core.

The most important things to keep in your head is to NOT LUST in public and STAY SAFE at home.

Other useful habits:

Meditate

Take cold showers

Breath deeply

Have a good nights sleep

Have a strong mornign routine

Have a gentle evening routine

Read read read, everyday read books and research content that you like

Reduce screen exposure on your phone or your PC

Write, journal about anything you want

Sit in the silence

Practice mindfulness meditation

Build commonplace book

Cultivate a vision, write down your mission declaration, work on your life purpose

Start making commonplace book creative output

Eat healthy foods

Sleep well, stay hydrated

Etc... Anything healthy in general

Avoid unhealthy habits:

Avoid fast foods

Avoid snacks

Avoid sweets

Avoid sugars

Avoid sodas

Avoid TV movies/shows

Avoid Gaming

Avoid social medias

Avoid bakery products

Avoid smoking

Avoid drugs

Avoid gambling

Avoid impulsive shopping

Many other things to avoid...Anything unhealthy in general

Be bored, stay bored and accept it. Don't procrastinate. Do usefull stuff. Practice doing nothing and being happy about it. Start socialising with other people. Exit your comfort zone and do at least one thing you are not comfortable with. Build healthy habits, stay in shape.

This is my plan to leave PMO for good, once and for all. What I need to do now is to reboot and rewire my brain for 90 more days. This will be my main quest and most important task further on for the the next couple of months. Honestly, if I can leave pornography and sexuality behind in my life and desexualize my brain, I can do literally anything with my life.

Currently what Im lacking the most in my life is:

Practical implementation of knowledge I have acquired over the years and that Im acquiring right now

More practicality in my life, I need to be far more pragmatic person, I feel like Im far more comfortable with theories then implementation

Strong will to say NO, to persist and perservere through any hardships in my life

Self-discipline to implement habits that will push me towards self-actualization

Conclusion is that I need to ask far more questions regarding pragmatic approach in life and to IMPLEMENT practices and techniques.

Tracking:

Day 1/100 - 15.09.2023 90% Clean (small amounts of lusting in public) NoPMO Checked

Day 2/100- 16.09.2023 <input>

Just wanted to say good for you and being aware of your bad habits especially PMO. We all have our bad habits and ego backlash.

You mentioned you were exposing yourself to strangers? Hopefully you dont dont do It anymore especially when youre commited to your girlfriend.

How often are you sexual with your gf? As you didnt mention It in above post.

It takes a lot of integrity and courage to admit youre struggling and wanting to change for the better. Keep at It and good luck

imit · October 14, 2023

On 10/12/2023 at 1:24 PM, cjoseph90 said:

Just wanted to say good for you and being aware of your bad habits especially PMO. We all have our bad habits and ego backlash.

You mentioned you were exposing yourself to strangers? Hopefully you dont dont do It anymore especially when youre commited to your girlfriend.

How often are you sexual with your gf? As you didnt mention It in above post.

It takes a lot of integrity and courage to admit youre struggling and wanting to change for the better. Keep at It and good luck

@cjoseph90 Hey, Thanks for the feedback, I think Im far better in the past 15-20 days, lot less urges and we even managed to have sex in two consecutive days, which is great improvement in our relatioship. My girlfriend and I are almost 3 years in a commited relationship and I had some nasty habits rooted in pornography which caused us a lot of pain in relationship, but overall it's pretty loving and our love is strong. I cheated on my girlfriend with live web cam girls, payed to masturbate with them, which is pretty shameful in my eyes. But, I was honest with her, and we got over it. Now, I have a second chance and Im not going to break it up and hurt her, so Im here doing my best, honestly speaking.

I know it's dark and twisted to get aroused around girls seeing your boner or flashing them on web cam webistes like omegle. But for the past 60+ days I've been clean. No pornography, no web cams, no nothing except that I had been strugling by lusting in public, wanting to flash and have urges to search online sexy stuff sometimes, and it usually is when Im down emotionally and NEVER when Im alright, so I can conclude that it is coping mechanism, nothing else. Why and how it was born? All the answers probbably lies in my childhood and puberity. Being exposed to pornographyy and masturbation at the age of 7 or 8, something like that. Flashing was I think extension of pornography, sexting on omegle as teenager and the fetish outgrown in wanting to flash in the real world.

The good things are that I feel that I slowly start having more and more self-control, gradually.

So yeah, my partner knows almost all of my pornography, masturbation.. shameful addiction except part about having urges to be watched by the girl while I have boner etc..If I told her that and be 100% honest I would break her and our relationship beyond repair and I think it's not worth to do so. If Im done with those habits and behaviours and Im currently living my normal version of myself striving for the best version, it might me irelevant for the present moment? If I do not go back to old behaviours, do you think it's etically right to keep those thing to myself? I would really appreciate your answer to this.

And regarding the sex frequency, she is currently recovering from my infidelity in the past, so I do not want to pressure her into having sex at all. But in the last few days, she wanted so we enjoyed both.

For my recovering plan, in the next 2 weeks Im going to schedule a talk theraphy with a psychotherapist. I think it may help a lot.

Thanks in advance.

imit · October 14, 2023

Entry: #011

Date: 14/10/2023

Time: 11:50 PM

Journal: General

I'm super excited as it's time for updates!

I will write on a couple of different dimensions in my life and I am excited to write as the new chapter in my life begins, symbolically, batman's main theme in the first movie was from my childhood, the most inspiring thing I ever seen in the screen, it was always my calling. When I get inspired by Batman, it usually means majestic grandiose changes in my life and my spirit.

What will I write about:

My clearly redefined purpose in life
My declared mission
Maybe some of the visions that I currently cultivating
Current progress that I have made with PMO addiction, my new knowledge, and my strategy on how will I proceed with addiction

Life Purpose

In some sense, the core of my life purpose that I have discovered in my past is staying the same. The core of who I am and the potential as well as qualities that I possess and will possess, remains fairly similar to the last evaluation. But the roadmap to actually get there, to my destination is very different. In the past, before discovering certain qualities and potentials, my life purpose was to find life purpose and reveal who I am. To be honest enough, I am still doing shadow work and gathering data, researching the depths of my mind, and the deeply buried archives of my personality and ego. Who I am in the ego dimension. A lot and a lot of fucking work is left to do. But...

Now I have a strong desire to unveil all the messy stuff that's wrong with me and to be brutally honest with myself and others, but especially with myself, because all the farther work is impossible if one is not honest and if one thinks that he possesses the things that are the most desirable, the qualities and the knowledge as well as the principles and tools. If I'm honest, I'm really a few drops of water in the fucking ocean of life, ocean of knowledge and consciousness. I'm so small, but I'm part of the whole and I'm conscious of it. I now know that I have multiple life purposes, not just one, and I know that this process is supposed WILL be slow. It tests me in new ways. It requires me to build patience to be able to, just like David Goggins, be able to look at how slowly the grass grows.

My new purposes

Consciousness - Elevating my levels of consciousness to the higher realms for higher possibilities
Love - Expanding my capacities of being loved by myself and expanding capabilities on loving others, not being judgmental
Ego Dissolution - Eliminating distractions in life, eliminating addictions both soft and hard, reducing and reducing to the point where my Ego disappear
Pure Joy - Living in the present moment and enjoying life in simple moments
Pragmaticism - The thing that my ego hates and runs away from the most, my lower form of life purpose which in the past I considered the main one, will be to ace the university with the highest possible grades, integrating stage orange all the way up. In combination with the job that Im currently doing, it's really a great combination of both. Making money and studying the thing you are working on. Preparing the right environment for the stage yellow that will one day come to be integrated. I can not skip this stage. I got tired of running away, and I will deal with it for the one super big reason. I will enroll in post-graduate school for psychotherapy as the thing that will most probably be the most enjoyable thing to do as I think my personality is built for therapy BUT, first I need to heal myself fully, to fully overcome obstacles in my life and mental problems, as well as ego barriers, to deeply understand my own psychology so that one day I can be really good at what Im doing with other people, healing them from practical experience I acquired in my own life struggles and mental health problems. As soon as I give myself the ultimate goal of enrolling in postgraduate studies of psychology, that very moment I got a strong desire and inner motivation to pursue the current degree as that all will be very fucking beneficial to my future self. Why run from things that have been hunting you your whole life? Why not accept the present moment, feel those emotions, and go through the transformative process? It will change my life. I have a lot to say, but for lfie purposes, this is enough to prove the point.

Mission

I do not know how other people or people in general define mission while defining things like goals, purpose, and similar stuff. But I understand that it is not just the end goal, it's the journey, not just the destination. It's the set of problems that are there, that need to be solved with certain tools in certain environments in a certain way. It's far from the simple way. far from a simple thing.

The transition from men no. 4 to men no. 5 - I want to become self-conscious most of the time. I want to be constant. I want to have a permanent "I". I want to have self-control. I want my mind to be submissive to my soul, to the core of my being, to the center of my conscious experience. I want to bring the Tao on the earth for myself, I want to join the union of oneness and to radiate love and energy as well as consciousness to people around me. I must conquer myself first. I must conquer my desires. Methods: Meditation, Deep Breathing, Sexual Transmutation, Semen Retention, Hardcore training, Harcore studying, Cold Showers, Connection with people, Connection with my girlfriend, Connection with nature, Connection with myself, Eating Healthy foods, Living a Healthy Life. Being balanced.
Discovering my deep true God nature and awakening - I felt through dreams and through glimpses of consciousness in certain moments which implies being awakened but I do not have enough consciousness in my life and my energy field is not strong enough as well as my ability to concentrate and focus. I will need to build stronger concentration, and a stronger energy field, to rediscover new ways to awaken, to discover new concepts and new techniques which will apply to my life and result in elevating consciousness levels. Methods: Meditation, lucid dreaming, deep or shamanic breathing, contemplation, self-inquiry, living more consciously the ordinary life. Listening to spiritual teachers, reading books on certain topics, and doing the practices will definitely help in raising consciousness to the point of reaching the absolute, the God, the objective, and unified collective consciousness - oneness.
Experiencing ego death and ultimately accepting myself - Living on the edge, in the least comfortable places and activities where ego has the most probability to die away, to be honest as long as I am alive I think we might be bound to have ego backlashes and setbacks but I strongly believe that they can be reduced to the minimum so we can bounce back to the game in no time. I will need to go full circle on this, for sure. From somebody that is one big 0 in the ability to "do" as my natural ability to go-get, failed me, to someone who is mastering the game of go-getting. This will take a lot of work, the method: eliminating hard addictions as a top priority, eliminating soft addictions as a second priority, living in the present moment, practicing self-acceptance, and suffering through emotional labor. Learning how to live in discomfort, learning how to be miserable, and to be okay. Challenging myself to the core and to the point where I become the most uncommon amongst uncommon people at least in my environment, life space, etc.. Learning how to use healthy coping strategies and how to BE OKAY WITH NOT BEING OKAY. Accepting that fact and that energy in that moment. Learning to like all aspects of life.
Work and career, becoming a go-getter, result-maker - This too will require me to live on my edge constantly, not just living through negative emotions while doing nothing, going through emotions while doing hard stuff, and challenging myself to the core. This is rooted in questions like "How hard you can work? But I would dismiss any pure physical expression of this statement. It's a lot deeper than that. I mean it in a couple of different dimensions. How hard can I work while working intelligently, in a smart way, with a great decision-making process, how much can I take on myself, and suffer through while doing all of that? Method: Smart Hard and Deep Work. Challenging myself to the core. Executing tasks, day in and day out. Completing stuff and getting good grades at university. Making good results while dieting and working hard at the gym. Making good results in relationships. Making good results at XYZ. Real viable and measurable results. I need to be proven, that I'm capable of realizing my potential.
Contribution to the world through the play, love, and connection - This will be maybe too challenging for now, but anyway, it may come to me next year or in the next 5 years most probably. As I'm rising to the singularity point on the Maslow pyramid of needs, straight at the top of self-actualization. I'm going to need to integrate the green and yellow stage. It will be my contribution, my legacy to this world. This is why I'm currently building skills for that. I'm preparing myself for this challenge and will continue to prepare for a long time. Im strongly confident that my area of expertise will be developmental psychology and the role of spirituality in modern psychology. Most probably I will be writing blogs, shooting videos and maybe writing even books on the themes of psychology, but there is a massive amount of work that I need to put myself through to be able one day to contribute to psychology. It will take at least 8 more years of academic schooling to achieve that level, to be able to contribute on a broader scale. Method: For now it can be as simple as shooting self-improvement videos of the knowledge I acquired in the past decade of personal development. Not presenting it like science, more like presenting it like a public option that might help somebody, anybody. The second way, I have piano skills, and I can forge them even better, even more. Playing piano was always a kind of self-expression where I was in direct contact with my soul through music. I bet there are people that could and would like my music. It's worth trying anyway. In the long run, a lot of creative output will be needed in the future, in the next 15-20 years. Be prepared. Forge skills.
Helping and loving - I think this is my favorite hobby. I'm really proud to say that I'm thankful to my parents as they taught me how to love myself and others. I like to care for other people and to do small things for them especially when those people are my close ones and family. This one won't have any special method but to love people for being people, to communicate and listen to people and their problems. To love them unconditionally. Still, It takes lifelong practice. But I know deeply inside that life is constantly testing me. It's giving me challenges to overcome myself and it's putting me in certain environments and situations to see if I'm going to do the right way, to help, to love.
Experience, play, joy, and happiness - Life is definitely to be experienced, I'm certainly grateful for the life I'm living right now.

PMO Journey so far

So far so good. I'm much cleaner and much more able to be in self-control than the first month of quitting anything porn related. The results are:

No porn sites, no cam websites, no masturbating to any sexual digital material for 60 fucking days (today)
I masturbated in total for the past 30 days: 8 times (with bare hands and no digital help) and in the first 9 days it happened 5 times so for the past 15 days Im pretty clean even from my masturbation habit as I masturbated only 3 times
I got 2 periods of 7 days without PMO absolutely, totally clean and they happened also in the last 15 days
Urges to flash, or better to say, urge to get excited while somebody else is watching me was reduced to the minimum in the public places
In the private space, there were a few instances where I was home alone and desired to be watched by neighbors from the open windows in the situations where I was naked after or before showering, but those fetishes I believe are fading away with PMO slowly. It will take some time to heal and rewire the brain
I got exposed 8 times to the sexy digital stuff on my phone or PC, the good thing is that I didn't act out on my urges and I feel proud that it is the way it is
Lusting in the past 15 days, only 2 days were critical at the beginning of the month, everything else was good. The start of the second month was critical, it's just worth mentioning both.
A total of 6 sex encounters with my loving partner so far, slowly getting our lives together, and living clean of Porn with my partner is currently a very liberating experience although I still regret doing much bad stuff behind her back in the past with my compulsive masturbation habit. Even though I was been honest with 95% of the stuff, even those 5% I feel guilty and I guess I will need to live with it, to accept it or leave it be that way. Im absolutely certain that the past can not be changed, but the past does not define who are we in the present moment, or what are cultivating ourselves in the future. This is a big and painful lesson for me but a necessary one. Now I now how good things are and I'm not letting anybody including me, destroy what I have now, I do not want hell on earth anymore. I'm living in peace, understanding, and love right know.

Now I'm aiming for the next 30 days to be really clean so I can be even more proud of myself. Even now I'm astonished by the benefits I'm experiencing for the last couple of weeks(2-3 weeks), so I'm curious to ask, what next? What if I'm 100% clean in every way? How much will I be able to focus more? What great ideas would I have? In what fundamental or profound ways would I change myself? To proceed, I would need to make a detailed and redefined plan with certain strategies and tactics that will lead me to success in the fight against PMO.

Quote

The most profound benefits for the past 60 days in my life, especially last 15-20 days are:

Clarity of vision - Big vision regarding my future life that Im currently building, it's very inspiring and motivating!

Sense of purpose, sense that Im on a mission, finally, I know that some crucial decisions are made and I now need just to execute

Lucid dreaming - Vivid dreams, dreams that I rembember clearly, mystical experiences in dreams. Those are all gifts I experienced.

Energy - A ton of fucking extra burning hot energy that crave to be used. Feeling is just like Im on steroids when fasting from PMO.

Better organization of life, everything is slowly falling to it's place, sorting day by day, bit by bit.

Less objectifying women as sex objects - Finally, Im close to completly ignore all women in public, just notice them, and be okay with it.

That would be all for now. I feel really fresh after I wrote down all that was stuck in my head for the past few days. Not to say that I do not have anything left to write about, it's enough for now. I will write about tools and habits in the upcoming writing sessions.

The main problem now: I need some structure, routines, and habits in my life. I need to build that in the next 30 days.

What else do I need? I need fucking goals. They need to be set. It will be done.

The idea for the next journaling: "I want to write about the tools and practices(habits) that I want to embody in my life and their probable impact on my life."

imit · October 28, 2023

Entry: #012

Date: 28/10/2023

Time: 10:33 AM

Subject: The Art of Sexual Transmutation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rulE5MJICLo

I'm writing and sharing this as I may need it for my future blog that I'm planning to start or it can be useful for some viewers of my personal journal on this forum. Those are just my thoughts and nothing else, be sure to always verify things for yourself as Leo mentioned this many times in his videos. Good Luck.

On this particular subject, I have done extensive research, now, for over a full decade and I still know very little in comparison to how much there is available knowledge on this subject. I really think that one day it would be a very good idea to write a book about it. It's for sure on my bucket list. I will categorize this writing session into three parts: brief context, the theory behind sexual transmutation, and practical implementation.

Introduction - How did I get into personal development and how did I discover this dark fine art?

The thing is that I was a 16-year-old boy who was traumatized in his childhood by certain family issues, issues by the time I was in elementary school where I was bullied, and several other factors. After the damage was done, I started my schooling years in engineering high school, where for the first 2 years I was misbehaving a lot with the groups of people that I felt like I was accepted. Drowning in the abusive use of alcohol, drugs, and cigars I was desperately looking for the reasons to live and the way out of the misery that I have created for myself. One day, I was invited by my friend to come and join the lecture of "Andrej Fajgelj" who was at that time a politician. But.. He mentioned something there, that was crucial. He was talking about some "nofap" guys and said that they are abstaining from pornography and masturbation as a way of living their lives to the fullest without PMO habits that are usually one big distraction. I must say that at that time, I didn't even know that Im destroying myself with tons of pornography DAILY for years. But I decided to give it a shot, and I tried little by little to quit and concluded that I could not. The more I tried the more I failed, but, year by year I had more and more knowledge and made it to reduce it by little every year. The most important thing here was that I discovered that I was living a purposeless life, nothing to fight for, no meaning, no nothing. The only pleasure was the physical one, and my whole existence was orbiting around physical pleasures. The second most important thing was that I discovered slowly where I am in life, the reference point, I clearly saw that I'm a walking mess. The third point was that I discovered that those mine ways of living are decreasing my possible potential and my whole lifestyle was designed in such a way that it keeps me imprisoned without a room to escape, and the last thing is that I discovered personal development as a real practical in which I can certainly improve, alongside with NoFap. But the thing is, later on, no fap led to the discovery of the art of sexual transmutation.

Sexual Transmutation - What it really is?

In the simplest words, the art of sexual transmutation as I like to call it, is the process of transforming one way of the energy into another form of energy through channeling into different kinds of channels. The energy here is something that is constantly being produced in our bodies and at the same time used for certain activities. Without lifeforce, energy, or prana, there is no life. The important thing here to understand is that the same energy we all have can be used through different activities and ways.

For the human being, there are 7 different chakras, in the Spiral Dynamics model there are 8 different stages, in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, there are usually 7 different levels of needs and lastly(that I know) there is 7 different type of people in the scale of personal and spiritual development and maturity in the model of P.D. Ouspensky and they all relate to the channeling of sexual energy in different channels in a theory of sexual transmutation. How?

For example, in Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, we have our basic needs of survival, the first stage or first level of needs is purely existential, therefore, the sexual energy here is used for one's survival needs. This kind of sexuality and use of sex energy is physical. Now, if we go up a little higher through the pyramid or hierarchy, we clearly see that sex energy is now used for securing employment, safety needs, morality, security, health, and morals although it can still be used for the basic needs of pure physical sex or self-pleasuring. On the next level, we have the emotional integration stage, where we develop deep intimate connections with our partners, develop crucial relationships with like-minded people, and maintain healthy relationships with our family. Keep in mind, that sex energy is still used for the lower 2 levels, just what happens is that those first-level needs are being satisfied, and the need for higher hierarchy needs is triggered. At each level above there is a difference in the quality of sex energy that is being produced. For example, at the level above intimacy, there is an achievement and public success through career building, forging a "Get shit done" mentality, and seeing how these stages exactly correlate with the model of spiral dynamics, for this concrete example, with stage orange. If go even deeper, we are basically on our quest for self-actualization where sex energy is no longer an expression of the physical domain. It can be, but the energy produced on this level is kinda like fuel for personal development on the highest possible levels that is - self-actualized personal development level. It can be said, that each stage in the needs or spiral stage is directly related to the opening of different chakras.

Sexual Transmutation - How it can be practiced?

From a personal perspective, I still struggle to implement it in my life completely, but after several years of trial and error, I'm finally getting a hint on how to use sex energy in a gentle and useful manner.

There are several components:

Abstinence and conservation of sex energy - This process is necessary as we need to first produce a certain amount of sex energy in our bodies.
Mindfulness meditation - This process is used to become aware of the sex energy flowing in the body, to have an "urge" and not to react to it, but to be mindful of it, this is the way of calming that wild energy inside of our bodies.
Purpose, meaning, goals, mission, and vision - Life purpose and mission are needed If the use of this energy is intended on the highest possible levels for self-actualization and personal development, one needs to fulfill the lower needs first so one can freely use your build-up energy for things like building your career or making new friends or having a romantic relationship with the desired partner. Whatever it is, use Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as ref. model, otherwise use your purpose and meaning to generate more purpose and meaning with the help of additional tons of sex energy stored in your body.
Channel or "The One Thing" or "Medium" - For me, this can be studying computer science, researching personal development, reading tons of books, or just doing whatever I desire to do to focus my energy on producing results.

The art of sexual transmutation is a system, a process. It takes things as INPUT and it makes OUTPUT. If used properly, it can take in only your conserved energy, and as output, if you are mindful and channel your energy the right and gentle way, it can produce very useful output.

I remember when I was thinking about alchemy and still to this day, it amazes me how some people still think in this modern age that the art of Alchemy was about turning bare metal into gold or whatever element into gold. But this is a largely false statement. We are the Alchemist, still to this day, the conversion of wild sex or vital life energy into golden output in the real world through the art of sexual transmutation is the way of real Alchemy. Just if you stop to think about it, the most passionate people are usually the people with a high sex drive. Throughout the history of mankind, many people used this sacred practice of Alchemy for their own gain and if you do not believe me it's fine, but check what other people have to say on this matter, for example, Napoleon Hill. He's a great example of those people, who discovered the sex transmutation and started using it for his personal gain. He wrote a ton of useful books and was a great author.

There are many ways to go about it, but the best one is to start the practice gently, and alongside the practice, there should be research.

Maybe messy or confusing, the most important thing was to get the idea, to get this thing called sexual transmutation which is the real thing, "DISCOVERED" for yourself, for your personal gain. Later on, only through reading and research and of course, with practice, this thing can be cultivated to the point where you are generating a mass amount of value for yourself and the world.

Still to this day, I deeply believe that I'm a really lucky guy who found a few keys that are the most important things that happened in my life so far:

Discovery of personal development, as well as Leo's business: actualized.org
Discovery of the secret art of alchemy, the Art of Sexual Transmutation
Discovery of the present moment, Truth, and profound spirituality

I keep on saying to myself that the ultimate key is not even the first two things that are on the list, the ultimate one is always and always will be living in the present moment.

imit · October 28, 2023

Things left for me to keep in mind and start focusing on and resolving:

Eliminate the problem of oversleeping, not being able to wake up when I want to wake up
Eliminate the next hard addiction: sweets/candies and occasional snacks/fast food - Clear up the diet
Eliminate the possibility of releasing through masturbation, rather practice conserving energy or releasing through intimate sex or transmutation
Eliminate other elements with a blocking-like nature, current problem: Bad organization and even worse prioritizing of tasks.
Improve efficiency and productivity, this is currently in progress as I'm building my "Ultimate Productivity System" slowly but with success and I shall write about it here on the forum as I will need some improvements in my system and to share it with other people that can find this system or parts of the system useful in their everyday life

Those are just a few things that I need to focus on right now, other than that my to-do list is basically endless and there are infinite amounts of possibilities and permutations of "what can be done to improve". This rabbit hole is very deep. Both for personal development and self-actualization. One can easily break friendships, relationships with partners or family, or dump their career if obsessed with self-improvement to the extreme. Speaking of this from personal experience as this already happened to me. Only this time, I have figured it out how to balance multiple things at the same time, you do it just like the CPU on any modern PC does. Though multitasking, but not in a modern way of multitasking, this kind of multitasking needs to be done with care, and very gently. I shall write about this also, I have plenty of thoughts on how to do personal development in a healthy way.

Quote

Core observation during this writing session: I really I'm more productive if I'm not at home. The idea can be to just avoid doing work at home for some time by changing places. For example, the most productive I am at work is when I'm alone and I get things done. I can try to:

Work at library

Work at coffee shop

Work at the office (even in spare time)

The second core observation that I can also use to write about: Systematic Personal Development - The way of system thinking applied to the personal development journey.

Side notes, for the next scheduled investment in my personal development journey, I will buy:

Piano - For the pure joy of playing and sharing with people all around the world on YouTube Channel
Quality Microphone, Record Lightning, Quality Web Camera - I will need it for the YouTube channel that I'm planning to create

There are certain plans that I still didn't manage to have time to brainstorm about and to plan out. It's all kind of stored in the back of my head and not really going away as they are probably good ideas that need to be examined in the long run. Ideas:

Piano YouTube Channel
Personal Development and self-actualization blog as well as Instagram profile where I will post, publish, and promote PD Journey (English, worldwide)
Thinking about starting a real YouTube channel on a national level (as I am far more comfortable speaking in my native language as a native speaker) where I will couch and teach people stuff from personal development and self-actualization

But I have to keep in mind that this needs to be done alongside:

Relationship
Home Duties
Full-Time Work
Family & Friends
Study for University
Staying healthy and training well

Maybe the key here is gradual improvement and the use of exponential growth as well as system thinking and automation.

imit · October 31, 2023

Entry: #014

Date: 31/10/2023

Time: 11:40 AM

Subject: Various Topics

I feel really good although I had some rough past few days as well as troubling dreams and nightmares. I am trying to wrap my head around my dreams and understand my subconscious mind. I'm not inspired that much to write about anything particular as the morning was never part of the they where I'm overflowing with ideas and insights but the nighttime always was.

Vibration, Speed or Frequency of Thoughts

Anyway, I'm creating some consistency in my life by doing what I love and writing some stream of consciousness down to digital paper. The thing that I concluded is that I like to write digitally for specific reasons, it's really fast, and even faster is when I record myself talking. My ability to formulate thoughts has a certain speed and writing down things in different ways has different speeds of course. When I write digitally or speak I feel like my writing or speaking matches my speed of thought.

The Flow State, higher vs lower self

That's a really interesting conclusion but the next one is that my speed of thought is not optimal and not constant all the time. At my peak, for example, during focusing sessions or deep work, while being influenced by the coffee, my mind can go at wild speeds and it gives a god-like feeling. It's feeling like everything is possible and that I'm able to do or understand anything. It's such an elevated state of consciousness that I'm integrated into the present moment very well. It's such an easy thing to do to stay self-aware or aware of my surroundings or to feel my body. It's the key. When combined with practices of semen retention and dopamine detox or better "practice of delayed gratification", it's god-like power. On the other hand, when I wake up, my thoughts are really messy and my state of consciousness is really low I have through the day with my efforts, elevated that state to a higher level. Somedays, it doesn't happen at all, I stay at the lower speed of thought all day and it's directly correlated to the addiction cycle as I'm prone on those days, to be less disciplined and eat junk food, being lazy, etc. I like the concept of lower vs higher self and I think that there is a lot of knowledge that is interconnected and needs to be extracted from those concepts. In my view, when it comes to the higher self, there is the elevation of consciousness, the ability to abstain from simple bodily pleasures, and the freedom to "be" and feel the higher emotions and the intellect that works at a higher speed and mental images as well as visual images that are pretty high resolution. Everything is high quality when the higher self comes. But, when it goes away, and all you are left is lower self, all human petty little problems arise. The mode of survival kicks in, the ego backlash kicks in. The mind becomes cluttered with thoughts that are lower resolution and kind of blurred in some way. Shift of consciousness happens, consciousness deescalates to the lower realms of reality and totally different kinds of desires arise from within. Sexuality becomes awakened in a primitive way, and addiction to foods, laziness, etc. becomes more likely. From god-like we downgrade to animal-like. We become different persons and we at those moments are usually controlled by our own emotions, we go as the wind blows. Sadly, many people live their whole lives in these primitive states, and this is even exploited by our society through various business that makes money by selling things that we crave, and we crave for the exact reason that we not living by our own deepest self, we are being manipulated and controlled by external events and circumstances. There is a lot of evidence and well-put examples as well as explanations of the previously mentioned mechanisms by P.D. Ouspensky on this paradigm.

Reading, writing, speaking, and deep thinking

I like to write, and I'm slowly falling in love with it as weeks pass by I find new ways to make it even more enjoyable and for now, it's great. I will continue to write and improve my English as I'm well aware that there is a lot of space for my English to be improved. Fast forward a few years or decades down the road, I will have the most valuable skills that one human being can have, and there are 4 of them: Thinking, writing, reading, and speaking. I deeply believe that they are lifelong learning skills and when you are highly developed in those 4, you can conquer the world, the internal feeling must be that you are unstoppable and I am not the only one who thinks this way. Even in Sidarta from Herman Hesse, there is a reference for what I mentioned about those skills. For example, Jordan Peterson, who is a 21st-century clinical psychologist and author, emphasizes the importance of those skills.

Emotional Connection

I don't know what to say, but my life is definitely going the right way as I feel it from the inside. My gut feeling never lies and it's usually 95% accuracy when it's intense. I think that introverted and extroverted intuition can be trusted as a string that connects are directly to reality. How to know what is true? Look deep inside of yourself and ask a question, the answer will be delivered at some point.

When talking about emotional connection, this year is when I finally realized it. I was so deeply under self-deception because my brain from highjacked by porn and masturbation habits, that I didn't even have a true need for meaningful connection with people on different levels. I'm really grateful to the Universe for anyone who comes into my life either an ally, teacher, or my own student. I started to appreciate any and every conversation that I had in my life. When I am talking to a stranger on the street or just saying hi to a neighbor, the situation when I'm on a simple coffee with my mom, sister or father, or any other family member, talking with intelligent coworkers or talking with beautiful souls on social media or forum actualized.org. I really enjoy conversation and the moments of knowing that I have with other people. This all started really recently, maybe in the past month or so. I feel like I love people just by talking and caring for them in some fundamental sense. I feel like I just started to integrate some nuance of the green stage in the Spiral Dynamics model and it feels lovely and like a fresh breath of air. Many beautiful things start occurring in life when it happens that individuals transcend the lower-self state of consciousness and desires. One thing I can not say from this perspective is that more is better. Balance is the key in every sense. Actually, more is better, if desires are coming from higher states of consciousness. When there is nothing to do, just to be. It's wonderful how many things get done with great joy.

imit · November 5, 2023

Entry: #015

Date: 5/11/2023

Time: 12:40 AM

Subject: Writing Session - Stream of Consciousness

There is just so many things to do, it's so easy to fall into the trap of overdoing and get out of balance in this work. Recently, I'v been watching one of Leo's video while cleaning the house, I think it's called "the rule of balance in personal development", and it's what a great video to remeber me that balance is one of those skills crucial for personal growth and for sure it's one of the rare skills to have.

So many applications of personal development into our lives, so much content available everywhere on the internet and so much possibilities for anything and everything to happen. That's one of the hardships of living in this modern age. As much as it's cool, it does have disadvantages.

In the past couple of months I managed to:

Stabilize my finances
To create structure in my life
To define what's important to me on daily basis
To define goals, mission and to embrace the feeling of purpose I have inside of me
To redefine my life purpose
To leave addictive sexual behaviour behind me (PMO habits)
To organize my life and create ultimate productivity system that's working and producing results (File management, calendar management, mail management, second brain or commonplace book, task management system etc..), It's working and it's getting more functional with each day that passes as Im getting more stuff automated, not keeping it all in my head is very reliefing, many things are handled automatically with predefined set of rules and notes
Managed to fix my relationship by fixing the core issues that was rooted in my unhealthy sexuality and addictive patterns of behaviour, managed to rebuild trust with my partner and we are continuing to improve our relationship with each day that passes
Managed to build some healthy habits that are by their nature organizational, productivity and optimization oriented
Managed to improve and learn a lot on my daily job as system administrator, still there is a lot left to learn but Im getting more confident in solving the day-to-day issues that occures, even my boss was able to tell me that in comparison with other two colleagues, she concluded that I learned exponentially
Managed to redirect my sexual energy towards personal development and self-actualization, even towards building more meaningful connections with people

I can be sure that lot of stuff was done and it all resulted in viable results. I should keep going this route and keep investing in myself. Only problem though, I feel like Im not creative anymore. In the last 15 days at least, there are so little creative outbursts. Maybe I swinged in the left brain direction a little too much, so I guess I will just need to restore balance with right brain activities.

Yeah, I start to feel that Im becoming finally more productive person. I manage to produce results and there should be a continious progress in the future.

What are some problems that Im facing right now that are blocking me from reaching my full potential in the present moment?

Alarming: Drinking too little water, some days I go without even drinking a single glass of water and it's freaking unhealthy
Eating junk food lately, this one costs financialy and it has impact on my well being as well as physical health
Alarming: Eating sugary food, candies, chocholate etc. - Im addicted to it. Period. This is urgent problem to solve.
Alarming: No physical activity at all, not training, running or going to the gym. This might be a huge problem in the next months to follow.
Getting stuck from time to time at building productivity system instead of doing the hard work by putting in effort and studying.
Neglecting social connection with friends in real life, this requires more attention in the near future
Not reading books at all, and this is one of my favorite things to do, why am I neglcting it? Why can't I find time for it?
Consuming > Implementing, this is problem that Im facing for my whole life, so I need to think deeply how will I overcome it. I need to find a way to practice far more then I consume. The healthy portion might be 70% of practice / 30% of consuming
I have a feeling that tick tick might not be a good app. for goals and Notion would be the right candidate as it's flexible to the core. There is so little time allocated in reviewing mission, goals and directions as well as setting smart goals.
I have some idea, picture in my head of what would be the ideal day and ideal lifestyle of mine. And I just know it that Im not living it. I need to change, I need some bold life changes, some big change is coming and I feel it.
Alarming: I still do not have crysis management plan, and this should be created ASAP. What the fuck I think I will do when that dark times sneak up on my back and ego backlash hits me hard? What will I do? I need to stay balanced, but sometimes I just gave up on everything in those dark times. I need that plan created.
One of the issues is that Im avoiding spirituality and the present moment, I just now figured it out. Fascinating. I just realized that I was asleep for a long time, still to this point Im writing this as Im in my deep sleep as my mind took over the control. Present moment is the most important and most beautiful thing we have, yet, our minds when they take control, completly ignore it and we are in our heads 100% of the time and THEN, we ask questions like Why am I addicted to X? Why Im not able to enjoy x? Why Im not able to relax and have a stress-free good night sleep or nap? Why Im not able to love, be kind and gentle more? Why Im getting angry and why are my emotions getting wild lately? Why do I not have any control over my bodily cravings for easy pleasures in life? Why my life is meaningless? Why Im not creative?

Ultimate Productivity System

Category #1: Track

Samsung Health: Im using this app. to track my daily physical movemnt or activties, sleep, steps, water intake etc. It's connected with my Samsung Gear S3 watch and synced with Samsung phone app.
Fasting Tracker: My intemittent fasting records are tracked here.
Water Drink Remainder: Directly synced with Samsung Health app to track water.
Habits Loop: Free app for habits, I use this app to track small but powerful habits like meditation techniques, breathing exercises etc. It's my toolkit full of useful habits. I have solid database of archived habit's that I can pull from and start practicing and track them right away.
Habit Now: Im using this app. to track only the most important and crucial habits like reading, writing, studying and working out. Just a few important habits that Im tracking but they are all measurable and have a lot of metadata attached to every habit. Powerful tool.
Habit Share: Using this app. to track my "bad" habits that I want to have control of how much and how frequent Im consuming less healthier stuff. Primarly used for tracking porn addiction, alchochol intake, sweets and snacks, binge acitivites etc. My girlfriend and my mom are my accountability partners in this app. Cool app.
FitNotes: Using this app. for custom exercises tracking in my workouts, but not for running.
Strava: Just for tracking my running. Super awesome community oriented app with great statistics.
ExpenLess: Amazing financial tracking app, Im able to organize my expensess and make budgets for the present month with ease.
Traquer: App. for tracking reading habits and making book shelfs. This app is super fast and it has great heatmap for tracking how much you read. The best thing, it totally free and it's super intuitive and easy to use.
Daylio: Great mood recording app.

Category #2: Capture

Notion: My second brain app, this is where I have built a complex web of databases that are orgnized in such a way that it have big impact on my motivation levels, my ability to organize knowledge and of course my source of pure creativity. Every single video that I watch or course I take or anything that comes to my mind such as insights, ideas or observations gets directly stored in my notion database. This is my commonplace book. Impact of this app on my personal life is amazing. It's life changing thing.
Instapaper: Read later app. just like pocket.
Readwise: Daily highlight from my books, online articles, kindle notes, tweets etc. Synced directly with notion database. It's perfect space repetition app to always remeber what you have read in the past. High life impact app. Life changes as well. It's also synced with instapaper and pocket.
Pocket: Save everything and anything you search online on the web to your personal space and review it later.
OneNote - Great app for quick capture, when Im in hurry and not able to use notion in situation where Im far away from PC or laptop, it does get handy to use OneNote, it's fast and it's practical. Later, I transfer everything from OneNote to Notion db.
Penzu: My favorite app for writing. It's so gorgeus and simple. It's amazing. It makes writing x100 times more enjoyable. Wish I have 250e to pay for premium, but it's too much for too little in return.
Voice Recorder: Quick capture when Im unable to write in OneNote or when it's more practical to record more lengthy stuff.
AnkiDroid: Anki flashcards for space repetition. Amazing tool.

Category #3: Consume

YouTube: I use it for anything and everything, any issues that I have or that I want to learn something, I take a look at it on YouTube. My favorite app of all time. Day dreaming one day that I will record some stuff and post it on YouTube.
Audible: Amazing app for audiobooks.
Spotify: Alternative to YouTube, only using it for JRE podcast and sometimes for music
Skillshare: Great place to learn artful skills
Telegram: I usually use it for receiving news from high quality and verified sources.
Udemy: Great place to learn business skills.
Bookmate: App. just like audbile, ton of audio books to listen to. Good alternative to audible.
Medium: Place to read great articles.
Readwise Reader: Amazing tool for reading anything in text form, twin app of readwise, sync with notion and readwise db.

Category #4: Coordinate

TickTick: Task Management - My Ultimate Task Management System. Works charmingly. Make me go 10x in productivity. Cheap investment of 4$/month = massive value return in the future. One of the greatest todo app ever made. I just can't imagine a single day without it.
BlueMail: Email Management - All different email accounts in one single unified inbox, manage emails like tasks and remainders easly.
OneDrive: File Management - All files from all devices in one safe place. Currently on 100gb plan, planning of expansion on 1tb, possibility to expand on 2tb or to use business plan in the future. Quick and simple but permanent solution to management of files.
Google Calendar: Event Management - All important events goes here. It perfectly works for me. Simple, easy and free. Works in integration with ton of different apps.
Protonmail: Private and secure business email.

Category #5: Communicate

Viber: Main tool for non-business communication with people.
WhatsApp: Backup alternative for viber. Not using it much.
Skype: Use just in case. Usually used for mentoring.
Teams: Business/University communication tool.

imit · November 5, 2023

Entry: #016

Date: 5/11/2023

Time: 02:45 AM

Subject: My Achievments

Up to this point, I don't think that I did a lot and usually I forgot from where I came from. But just for the sake of self-inspiration I will list all the thing I failed and went back or times where I just crushed it, or Im just convinced that it is that way.

My cookie jar:

Even though I was scared and abused kid from disfunctional family, I managed to overcome my social anxiety and need to get approval and validation from other people, people pleasing etc.
I managed to overcome great depression and purposelessness in my life, still I have fears and insecurities in certain aspects of life but the most important thing I have overcame.
I was labeled as weak in my elementary school but still, I managed to learn to fight trough karater where I attained blue belt, I even learned a lot of different fighting skills thourgh my own material arts experimentation
Even though I was labeled as physically weak and not appealing or sexy in any way, I managed to build 8-9 out of 10 physique with six pack of abbs and pretty solid shape. From 110kg fat guy I managed to get to sexy 82kg beast in muscle. Im pretty proud of my looks but also in strength and endurance.
Even though I was weak, I managed to get into Calisthenics and do 10 muscle ups which was indicating that I was in solid form.
Even though I suck at running in my elemntary school races, being always the last to finish the race, times are now different. Im now able to run for 30km non stop in around 3h, next year running for the full 42.2km marathon. This year (2023), my success was that I managed to run 2 races in one year, one is 21.1km hill race, which was the hardest thing I did ever and second is 10k belgrade which was easy and I finished around 700th place from around more then 5.000 people which was solid to me.
In highschool I was heavy smooker, drinking alchochol and smoking marihuana, having no personality by being people pleaser and no strong integrated character within me. I was shallow. No purpose, no mission, no goals. All that is behind me. Im not that person anymore.
I had big complex around my teeths, as they are not straight as they should be or as they are in avergage person. Not being able to smile. That was sad. I had big insecurities around my teeths but I managed to overcome that. Smiling honestly and truely whenever I feel like it.
I had no gf and I was virgin up to my 21st birthday. Big insecurities and issues there, but that didn't stop me. I managed to have sex with 5 different girls up to this point and I have been in several relationships and I had a lot of different experiences during 21-25 years of age. Big giant leap in romantic relationship sphere of life.
I was addicted to games, playing them all day long for around 10 years until eventually cutting them completly from my life.
I was addicted to watching tv shows, movies and generally eating snacks, bullshit foods, sweets etc. Most of the thing that I mentioned are now out of my life. Only left are sweets but even those things I do moderatly even I know that Im still addicted to them.
I always felt stupid and I think of myself as someone who have really low IQ. All because I was in a school system that was not in favor of my intelectual needs. In high school while doing drugs and all other supstance abuse behaviours, I was chronically lazy and non-curious around the school topics and my grades where the lowest possible passing grades, surprise is that I managed to overcome this and ace last year of high school with 4.5 GPA.
Even though my GPA sucked, I managed to go to the university and study what I like and what is profitable and best for me. Currently Im second year in Computer Science and Im not stopping until I have masters degree even Im almost 27 years old dude.
I had a dream of becoming a military officer while I was at 4th year of high school and I was dreaming to be spec ops. one day. I must say that I didn't quite make it to become military officer as my GPA was so low, I didn't end up being accepted even though my entrace exam results in phyiscal and math test were really high. Im considering this my success as I went all the way and tried to achieve that goal singlemindedly. I didn't fucking quit.
I managed even to go to special operations selection for anti-terrorist military police unit which are in Serbia equvivalent to US Delta Forces. I was in for about 2 months and due to my injuries I was forced to quit further selection process. I must say that Im thankful for that experience as I was able to experience what extreme sports as profession feels like. Its was fascinating. One of my biggest success in life so far.
I managed to become System Administrator, working in a stress-free job that is most of the time cozy and relaxing with bunch of spare time in the office and bunch of freetime out of the office. I worked as security guy for almost 5 years to be able to finally get here. I worked in a variety of different jobs: Glovo Courier, Part-time Student Jobs, Security, Hard Physical Labor etc. But it all payed off.
I was someone that was broke and always in the debts but I managed to get my finances in order finally, I have roof over my head, food and everything that I need to live function life.
As a kid I was considered gifted for music and I went into elementary musical school and played piano for couple of years, and practice it later in high school for couple of years. I managed to learn technically high-demanding compositions like Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement.
For 4-5 years I was tenor singer at one of the Belgrades most famous chorus which is AKUD "Ivo Lola Ribar" . I traveled a lot with a lot of different amazing people, and still to this day I consider this a great experience and success in my life.
From someone who heavn't read any books in childhood and elemntary schol, to some who has read about ~100 books.
One of my greatest success up to this day is success with my own family. I had a really highly neurotic and disfunctional sister that produced a lot of stress on me and my mother and father. We all did suffer from impact of my sister mental ilnesses. I was thinking deeply, almost believing that I will never overcome family issues and that there is no possible growth for my sister. But it all changed. Not only my sister have changed, we all have changed internally. As I have shifted my believes and mindset in the positive direction, so my family this also. They mature overtime. Now, today, we are seeing each other and we are enjoying in our spare time, doing some mutually satisfying activities like watching movies, traveling along the country or drinking coffee together. Not only that my sister was very hard to get along with, but we my father and my mother were divorced and a lot of difficulties rised from their broken marriage. It was all very messy and hard, but now it's fine, now we have some direction and we are growing as human beings more each day that passes. Still to this day, it's not perfect, far from perfect but at least we get along each other and we are more caring, gentle and understanding with each other. We are more compassionate and mature people. My biggest success was definatly overcoming disfunctional family and all the internal issues that were created by it. My recovery from my trauma is my biggest success up to this day.

Of course, there are many other maybe minor wins that could be consider success but Im not able to write anymore, my eyes are really tired and to honest, I can't even rember some of the things as the memories are slowly fading away. I think only the important one were on my mind while I was writing and feel really feel like Im empty. I expressed all that I had in me. Now, Im singing out.

imit · November 7, 2023

Entry: #017

Date: 7/11/2023

Time: 15:00

Subject: Crysis Plan (Mood Swings / Depression / Burnout)

I found out lately that basically, everything in life is functioning in a dualistic fashion, usually in two cycles: day/night, hot/cold, cloudy/clear sky or mind, working/not working, lazy/productive, happy/sad, depressed/expressive, etc...

When it comes to my mood, my personal feelings are quite complicated when it comes to us humans, they are just like the seasons of the year or sudden changes of heavy rains and clear sunny days without any clouds on the horizon.

It got me thinking, they are patterns. But, can we guess which pattern will take place next week or next month? What are the frequencies of our "emotional downtime"? Maybe we can guess behavioral patterns based on multiple factors such as:

The stress that we have in the present moment (environmental component)
The emotional state we currently exhibit (emotional component)
The current state of consciousness (spiritual component)
Sleep quality and sleep quantity, hydration, diet (physical component)
Emotional, spiritual, physical, or any other kind of deprivation

Can we take all this into account to be able to predict when our crisis is going to happen, and for how long it will last? How can we overcome the negative emotional state we are in and what steps to follow in those moments?

I have come up with the idea that maybe the best thing in difficult times is to make a plan when we are in the good times for the bad times. In other words, when we feel good and we have a clear vision and clear mind, we make a plan, set the rules and constraints, and architect the whole plan on how to react so that when the bad times come, we don't have to think anything, just follow the plan as you are 100% sure that those states are not permanent and the whole point in the plan is to not get into "self-destructive" mode or "lazy" mode which we will then recover for a long time after many things we worked so hard, are basically ripped off. We are basically not starting from scratch after a depressive episode has ended if we are not falling into various unhealthy coping mechanisms. We are here to implement "healthy coping mechanisms". Just follow the plan/script and slowly recover.

Several different things could happen to us to bring us into negative states and states of contracted consciousness. The end result is usually a depressive episode, physical or emotional burn-out, tiredness, and laziness. The moral of the story is that our body, mind, and spirit are unable to execute on the level that we demand. We simply can not be that productive and efficient on those days. We get clear signals from our body and subconsciousness, that recovery is needed. The worst idea is to push through even harder or to completely give up on consciousness and indulge in X, Y, and Z activities that we think our bodies are only capable of in those times.

Don't do the following:

Do not make utterly important life decisions: From my personal experience, I found that we can not make good decisions in those moments when we feel emotional/physical/spiritual "downtime". We simply lost the balance and some of the components are obviously damaged by the sudden loss of balance.
Do not trust your mind: The mind will tell you many things about the near or long-term future based on the data he can gather in the present moment. Those are alarming and surface-thinking predictions based only on a tiny fragment of reality. The lenses through which the mind looks and generates perspective in those difficult times are simply not true. It's a better option to just cut off my mind and say, it's okay you can tell me everything but I'm not going to believe it and not act upon it. Have in mind to listen but not indulge and not engage in conversations in your head about a catastrophic and doomed future.
Do not push yourself harder: Avoid thinking that you are David Goggins and that you should go 10x when you are on your broken legs. Maybe it's time to just rest. Accept, rest, and avoid stress. Do the opposite, instead of going hard, go soft with yourself but in a healthy way. You are not weak. You are not soft. You are just caring about yourself in difficult times and loving yourself by being gentle.
Do not indulge in pleasurable activities all the time: Do not simply abandon the ship that you worked so hard to build in the first place. Try to engineer it so your ship does not sink. Pump the water out of the ship and keep your ship floating. Still keep your habits, just in tiny portions. Don't go on 1h training, train for 10 minutes instead. Don't read the whole chapter, read only a few pages but keep your healthy and important habits in place.
Do not give up dreams, missions, or goals: Instead, do the opposite, and review them.
Do not self-isolate from people: Try to limit exposure to the outside world, but don't cut it completely. Try to communicate with other people in simple language. Try to be kind to other people and tell them how are you feeling. You need healing and emotional connection is very much soothing and healing energy that you need and seek.
Do not self-isolate in the apartment and stop moving: Just keep in mind that moving triggers elevation of consciousness. I don't know how, but it does. It's really therapeutic to just move and walk, stretch and run, walk walk walk, and keep walking when you are in the greatest pain. It will reduce it, it will take out the demons that are occupying space in your head.
Do not stop important practices: Meditation, cold showers, deep breathing. Keep your ship flowing down the river or ocean. Keep pushing, but in little doses, and keep stressing your organism but just to the point where
Do not indulge in self-destructive behaviors: Like pornography, masturbation, alcohol, weed, reckless driving, etc...
Do not engage in arguments with your partner: If you are emotionally hurt or depressed, you will be more prone to negative emotions rather than positive ones. Combined with the stress and new problems that arise during those times, we might feel overwhelmed and lose self-control over our emotions and say or do things that are not aligned with our values. To avoid is not the best thing, but to communicate that you are not feeling well and delay hard conversations and crucial problems for the time when you are feeling good and when you have the capacity to solve complex problems.
Do not make any further "shoulds": Stop any and every moralization that you can and that you are conscious of. For sure, there are things that we need to do anyway even if we do not feel like it, but most of the things that are negotiable and delayable which are causing us stress and that are difficult for our current condition, should be delayed or rescheduled for another time. This also implies that you should not force yourself on anything that is far from your zone of "can do". Basically, do not try to move the mountain if the apple-sized rock is too hard for you to move.

What you need is healing, not further action in conquering the world. You need to rest and heal. You need to get inspired and be intrinsically motivated. You need to recover from the emotional sickness.

Do the following:

Try to eat healthy foods mostly
Try to stay hydrated
Try to keep habits with a minimal effort approach, I'm referring here to ideas from James Clear's book: "atomic habits"
Take it easy and sleep as much as you like, but don't oversleep
Take it easy and eat junk food if needed but try not to reduce frequency and do not make it habitual
Take your favorite playlist for these times like dark times music, or sad classical music, and enjoy it
Review your life purpose, your goals, and your dreams
Practice affirmations for well-being
Try to run, exercise, and move
Move and walk a lot, it's crucial
Know that this is only a cycle and it will pass, A good mood and happy creative emotions will get back to you soon
Spend more time in nature, generally speaking, more outdoor activities
Talk with your friends, open up with your partner, and cuddle, kiss, and hug a lot
Practice gratitude
Meditate and practice mindfulness even if that's the last thing that you would do
Enjoy your favorite show, movie, or any game that you like
Listen to guided meditation and breathing sessions on YouTube
Read or listen to audiobooks or consume whatever you like and in whatever tempo you like
Keep in mind that these days, it's not about making progress, it's about preserving yourself and gently caring about yourself. Heal and recovery.
Spend more time with dogs and cats, go visit your own pets and play with them
Sit and do nothing meditation, let the thoughts flow through you freely
Go out and buy yourself something that you like
Practice self-acceptance, go watch Leo's video about this practice and relax, practicing self-love and self-acceptance
Listen to some guided meditation by Eckart Tolle, Ram Dass, Osho, Moojiji, etc...
Write, write, and write even more. It's so damn therapeutic to write and journal about anything. Get your depressed thoughts out on the paper. Try to psychoanalyze yourself. Why are you experiencing the thing that you are experiencing?
Accept that this too is normal, get back to Tao Te Ching and embody some principles from Lao Tzu's work, and bring Tao to the Earth.
Be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, love yourself

Quote

This is a mix of activities that might be healthy to do while experiencing burnout. The most important thing might be to accept and embrace whatever is happening. To sit quietly in the corner of your room with your pain and to hug it, to stay mindful of it and let the rainy storm pass after which you will restore the balance.

Singing out.

Edited November 7, 2023 by imit

Personal Development & Self-actualization Journal (All in one)

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