Personal Development & Self-actualization Journal (All in one)

[imit]

Date: 11/02/2024

Time: 00:00

It's time to get back to work once again.

I'm not sure how will all the things that need to happen happen, but I do feel that in the process of living my life just like a normal human being, I suddenly lost myself. 

For the start, I will continue to have writing session few times a week and I will do my best to have spare time to think deeply about the life and to read some quality books. Just as before, my mission was to be pragmatical to the core, but to not loose sense of reality while "doing". I will continue to invest in my self in every possible way and to continue to have high standards for myself.

Two things will need to happen.

1. I will need to keep doing things that I need to do to be pragmatic and to produce viable results

2. I will need to keep eliminating and minimizing distractions that are stealing the most precious and valuable resource - time.

Somehow, every time I just forget. This problem just never stop reoccurring. It's always present in some part of the month or year,  it may be absent for some time and everything could go as expected, BUT, it does occur. Suddenly, I just stop working on myself, stop pursuing my highest purpose, stop being on a mission and slide back to old habits and contacted rather then expanded state of consciousness. 

From what I observed, I always steer away from purpose to purposelessness on a treasure/pleasure/comfort island. I get absorbed in comfort, I just can not control and set the proper dosage of comfort to balance personal development. It's really hard and sad to see myself selling myself to nothing basically.

This stops now. The main task here is to get above mechanicalness of reality by sprouts of consciousness occasionally. In other words, you need to get back to meditation again. 

Things I need to eliminate:

1) Masturbation - Now I'm almost 200 days free from pornography but, still for some reason I get really aroused when I see girls in yoga pants in the public or when I see images of stockings/lingerie or really sluty girls on social medias. Course of action is not to masturbate directly to those triggers but usually I get home, go the the shower and jerk it off to fantasies. I do really have a problem with sexuality as feel like Im so hyper sexual, Im very physical man and when I lack physicality in my life I tend to release it through sex. In my relationship, sex life is really not that frequent, not to my satisfaction at all. We maybe have sex 1-3 times a month at most. I really crave for sex and sexuality but I couldn't just get it. I would just love to again have sex for half an hour and fuck my girl so hard that she can not walk, I just miss so much about having my dick sucked and licked till I cum in her mouth and she lick every drop of my cum. I just miss so much of those perverted fantasies that I can not accomplish that I'm ending so frustrated asIm not even able to release it to porn like before. But when I think, my life was living hell before, pornography would take my life. Thankfully, that period is gone, but... Im thinking that masturbation to this mentioned fantasies is my new weak spot. I need to stop it and to figure out the way to transmute that enormous sexual urges into something usefull and to STOP viewing women and girls as object of pleasure. I just want to see them as fellow human beings. I want to cure those my sexual abnormalities once and for all. I saw on first hand that porn is coupled with masturbation, it's the devil combo. Here comes the hardest part, No Porn was the easiest part, now M and O comes to me as a new challenges.

2) Comfort food eating coupled with watching series/movies and basically not doing anything positive with my life AS WELL AS EATING SWEETS. This must to stop. 

[imit]

Diary Entry No. 1

 

Date: 22. February 2024.

Time:  15:40

 

I feel like I fall straight to the bottom again, I just lost the count on how many times this happened and I just can't say that this is normal and that it should happen because this kind of falling is meaningless. In the following ways I'm living in deception, just chasing my own tail in circles without an end: masturbation, binge eating food, binge watching tv series, procrastination etc... I'm not striving to higher things in life, no progress, no nothing. Just endless pleasuring of myself till I'm numb totally. The pain of knowing that I can be much more in life then this is the greatest pain. It's really a miserable existence. I know that I at least drop out from my life freaking pornography and many bad habits associated with it. However, my life is currently flatline. The only thing holding me up in the life right now are my mother, my girlfriend and love that I have for my family. To think just that I'm not even drinking a glass of water daily or brushing my teeth is awful. For the good part of my day, I'm watching series and eating food, instead of sleeping with high quality before midnight, I'm watching till 2am in the morning, then I wake up on my free day, instead of going to the gym and striving to be better person or learning, I'm existing again, laying on the couch and watching series. Pathetic, that's me, at least right now. No friends, not a single soul in my life. For me, if I look my life, there isn't a word that can come to me at this moment, that I can say about myself that is positive. If I continue to write in this way, there is just no need about my depression, my broken dreams, my broken life. It's just sadness and melancholy times hundreds. 

Now, I shall talk about solutions. Strategy to cut it off, and to cut everything right here and right now, is not possible and not effective. I tried it so many times and failed. What I need right now, is to fill those times, that I spent doing all those bad habits, to fill it with good, productive and healthy habits and to INVEST in myself bit by bit. I don't need to remove or destroy negative habits in my life, I just need to replace them with good ones. Result of good life are good habits. Second most important thing is the power of now. Just those 2 things alone are cure to my condition right now. Meditation and learning. Meditation and discipline.  Meditation and good habits. I need act out my will into the world. I need to better myself, it's my antidote to chaos.

The brave thing I did today is that I took cold shower that was quite unpleasant. Second thing, I did start to drink water again which is good start and clean up the mess in the house. Also, I did training yesterday and as of today, I brushed my teeth. That's enough for the start. Also, I'm fasting at least 16 hours now. I will keep going further.

• I want to implement visualization as a habit and to write down my goals and review them daily

Up next that I want to write quickly is my direction in my career. By priorities I will do next:

1. Studying for computer science degree (majority of my time should go into this, 3-4h idealy)
2. Learning and practicing web development (at least 1 hour daily would be sufficient)
3. Developing and customizing web site for my parents business (30-60 minutes a day is enough)

I will also need to keep myself from:

• Binge eating, instead try fasting as much
• Eating  sugars, sweets etc. Instead try eating healthy snacks
• Avoid masturbation in any way, stay away far from pornography and it's sources - when urges start to occur, start meditating and training
• Avoid series, gaming and movies, limit yourself to only watch series when you are with your girlfriend
• Make your life a living hell short term that will benefit you in the long term, suffer the pain of discipline or pain of regret later
• Always do something of your time, don't procrastinate. 

That's all for today. I will try to be as frequent as much as I see that journaling helps me a lot.

[imit]

Diary Entry No. 2

 

Date: 23. February 2024.

Time:  11:05am

 

I have decided to end the current misery and get back to the track. It was basically a one second decision, wake up this morning, drink coffee with my girlfriend and get out of the bed, going straight to the bathroom to take a cold shower and I did thankfully. What helped me this morning was some cool sigma grindset music and while taking a shower I did for the first time in a while to visualize success. By this, I just don't mean to visualize things like graduation date with my degree, but also the whole process behind it and that freaking music enhanced my experience of future success in my head. Anyway, it was great to shake and be shocked, to get in my body out of my mind. It was a wake up, sudden awakening of the body. Ecstatic experience, gosh, I love that feeling. What I did visualize again, was not mere success, it was the things I love and enjoy doing. I want to my life back. I want again to be in the state of "pursuit of greatness", at least to be back on the path. I'm okay with not achieving greatness but ONLY if I die trying to be great and WHO knows where that mindset will bring me in life. I hope for the best. 

There is basically a ton of things that get messed up, went into the chaos, high disorganization etc.. I was stalling just like a plane without fuel, I was dropping from high skies and pretend that it's okay, it will not bring me any harm or damage to my life, those are just food, tv series, masturbation... Maybe, but if that's the only things you do on your regular day, you are going to be far behind average in a few months as you are not making any progress at all on daily base, however, you are downgrading yourself each month for one whole version, your will is weaken, your body is clumsy and weak, everything deteriorates. 

I want to create  a special purpose page, it will be placed in my digital ecosystem, my second brain - notion. My duty will be to collect all the thoughts that are important for my future and for my path, all the promises and goals, defined mission and statement of my purpose as well as my written version of vision of my life. It will be scheduled for a daily review. Also, I need system of goals and habits. I need to reestablish those again. Basically, I need to go over again through everything. This was done many many times and I always betray myself and self myself short.

This time I want to know how it feels like when you do not give up on yourself. What would happen if I do not quit? What would happen if I achieve success for the first time in my life and continue to make results? Result would be positive addiction I'm sure of that. I would be addicted to success like mad, to those high feelings. I need to include this into my visualization practice. So there is rich experience in visualization, not just blurry images of success.

For now, that's all, I'm singing out.

[imit]

Date: 13. Friday 2024

Time:  00:50

Subject: General stuff

 

Well I must say that i'm gladly back to this forum and to my writing sessions in an old journal. I'm just listening to Rach. performance of one of my favorites pieces, it's just truly melacholic in such a way, that I resonate with this piece so much. It's dark but there is a light on the end of the tunnel, just the way I feel like in my life at this moment.

I don't know why I like so much writing on this forum, but I guess one thing is that it's the community of people that I appreciate a lot plus it has a lot of cool options for formating while writing, not only options but layout is cool. I will just for sure, tranfer it to my notion in case site get shutdown or something like that.

I just remebered the one quote from dr. Wayne Dyer, when his daugther commented to him: Daddy, don't die until there is still music within yourself. (something like that) and just it resonates with me at the moment, because I'm getting through a hardship and while there are voices in my head telling me that I don't need to endure that pain my whole life and I have ways of ending it, there is in me a warrior, a true battle tested warrior that is going to endure what ever life throws at him. It actually is my alter ego, my dark side, the one who can do anything in life, and I call him Grey. It's still better then nameless, and I can not deny it's existance. My inspiration for naming came from the movie Grey and in general, in my life I can not say that I'm the one who represents the light nor darkness, but still i'm the mix of both worlds, I have darkness in me and I have light and many people in my life just see the bright, light side of me, even the closest  ones to me. The whole is that I won't just surrender, I have whole eternity for peace and silence in after life, but there on earth, while I'm still breathing I'm going to fight. I'm getting back to the personal development again, I'm getting my life back together even if I don't know how will I do it. But I'll do it. I will rise from the ashes once again, and I will use my dark past as future motivation and of course, especially in making new choices, I will consult with my dark side and my dark past, always.

I hate to fucking say it, and even more to have to accept the reality of having dealt this cards in life, but I will manage to overcome my traumas there are in the list below:

My biggest flaw and problem in my life is sexuality and I do belive that once I have control and mastery over sexual energy, I will have immense power at my disposal, and life will be much better for me

My biggest traumas have root cause in the early childhood and are created by dysfunctional family. I have sister that have hard psychological issues her whole life, plus I have dad that was so unfair to my mother, and combined together we were one big dysfunctional family and we created as a family so much traumas and wounds. As a result I have created escape from suffering with my pornography addiction from my early childhood.

From an early age, or from the age I was born, I was born very different from the other kids, I had and I have my whole life unrecognized ADHD. Many issues with school and university could be avoided if I just treated my ADHD on time.

My traumas, ADHD and unhealthy sexuality lead to a lot of bad decisions through my teenage years and adolescency and lead to development of many problems that I'm experiencing right now such as various addictions sexual or non-sexual.  

 I think one of the best decisions that I have ever made will be seeing the therapist and going to the theraphy. In the start I was sceptical since I think that I'm in control and I can deal with my problems on my own, and as far as this is true more then it's not, I still will benefit from multiple perspectives, It's like having a hired consultant that will help you see the problems that you don't see in your life, who will suggest solutions. Majorly in my circles of peoples, I was the one to give the advice, and many people would say that I give a good advices and that I would be a good therapist, well it's finally time to get my theraphy for the first time. 

I must say that my life currently is a fucking mess and I need to start working on it to get it more organized and more get myself to be more productive in my day. This is currently enough, as I don't have any left inspiration to keep going and keep writing.  But one is for sure, WRITING as a habit is really super helpful thing that is so much beneficial and it have HEALING powers in my case, I feel so much better when I have my thoughts well organized, or organized at least in some manner, becuase I'm an introvert and I don't get to speak to many people so all the my ADHD super fast racing thoughts get stuck and internalized instead of expressed like here. I will keep going and keep writing for sure. That's all for now, i'm singing off.