scary realization every time i trip, need help

[emil1234]

so its been a long time since ive tripped, since it rattled me last. since then, ive been doing really well, meditating, excersising, eating well, and really living a good and healthy life. So i was in a very good mindset, so i decided to take 100 ugs of lsd. Because I wanted to disprove my prior realization. Appearantly everytime I trip, I come to the conclusion that I am god bored and stuck in existence, forced to experience, longing for non existence. Everything is a joke, and god does not want to exist.

im pretty sure this isnt the ultimate truth, because i hear so many people speaking of infinite love and all this, but man. I really cant get past this realization. The past two years of my life has basically been about disproving this realization through living a good life, and ultimately having a trip in a real good mindset. But i reached the same conclusion. pls tell me this is not the ultimate truth

[SamC]

Don't worry man, this realization is just an intermediate step to realize an even deeper truth about your exsistence. Right now you're resisting it and by resisting it you are slowly learning to surrender to it. You will let this go eventually as you purify more of your self as a separate self. 

I've experienced similar states on LSD... in fact this has been historically what happens to me when I take LSD. It almost always puts me in a " no self state" where my ego is searching for balance and itself as my own life or not itself as in that it wants to reach non exsistince. ( which my ego in that state believes is impossible)

Always remember to keep your awareness - consciousness itself is curative.. so if that's the case - More consciousness will not sink your life - it will expand and heal you..  Atleast in the long term. 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS.

@emil1234

Edited September 9, 2023 by SamC

[Soul Flight]

I have the exact same experience. You are not alone. Terrance McKenna often referred to the "meat locker."

If you trip and tell yourself not to think of a pink elephant, you're gonna think of a pink elephant. You may be stuck in a loop.

You may be greedy for the euphoria and bliss. You are trying to control the trip. You have expectations. The cosmos always has control. You must embrace and inhabit your insignificance.

Have patience. Give yourself a 50 year plan. Work on your chakras. Do yoga. Study yoga. Study chakras. Let go of your schedule and your plan. Let the universe come to you. Do not go looking for the universe. Let go.

The lesson here is to surrender control. All will be revealed. You are not ready. You are skipping steps. Open your eyes. Accept the message. Show respect for the cosmos and the monad. This is not a game. There are no shortcuts. Explore your shadow. Get therapy. Read self help books. 

You have a calling. You have been chosen. This is not about recreation. These drugs are a tool. This is not escapism.

Pack your bags. Buy the ticket. Take the ride.

Hang in there. We've all been there.

[Yimpa]

11 hours ago, emil1234 said:

The past two years of my life has basically been about disproving this realization through living a good life, and ultimately having a trip in a real good mindset.

Paradoxically, you can be in a really terrible mindset yet have a profoundly beautiful trip. 

[Osaid]

Hi.

I am curious as to what exactly you are "realizing." How is it that your experience longs for non-experience? Does your table long for non-experience as well? Is your table not "God" as well? 

Next time it happens, in your experience, I want you to point to where "stuck" is. I want you to point to where "bored" is. What does it look like? What does it smell like? What color is it?

If you can find it, great, now you can neutralize the problem.

If you can't find it, great, there is no problem.

Edited September 9, 2023 by Osaid

[Osaid]

11 hours ago, emil1234 said:

im pretty sure this isnt the ultimate truth, because i hear so many people speaking of infinite love and all this, but man. I really cant get past this realization. The past two years of my life has basically been about disproving this realization through living a good life, and ultimately having a trip in a real good mindset. But i reached the same conclusion. pls tell me this is not the ultimate truth

There's no need to be sure of what exists. You have no difficulty in being sure of the color red or the color blue because the "sureness" arises from existence itself. "Being sure" is an unecessary input on your part. Existence doesn't need you to be sure to exist.

It absolutely does not matter what I do or don't tell you, because it just exists as something I told you. Never the thing itself. What matters is what you are experiencing right now.

Whether it is or isn't the "ultimate truth", it has absolutely zero effect or bearing on your current experience, this is something important to take notice of.

Does knowing that the color red is the ultimate truth change your experience of the color red? Does it stop being red? No, because it's just knowing, what you know never touches anything that is experienced.

Edited September 9, 2023 by Osaid

[LSD-Rumi]

Bored doesn't register in God's mind. God is infinitely high.

[emil1234]

@Osaid well the way i perceived is that consciousness or god was stuck inside of it itself, trying to escape itself essentially. looking back, this could be interprated in a number of ways, but during the trip, when I looked people in the eye, I saw the consciousness inside of them hating itself. It's like consciousness was disgusted by itself and the fact that it had to exist.

[Soul Flight]

2 hours ago, emil1234 said:

@Osaid well the way i perceived is that consciousness or god was stuck inside of it itself, trying to escape itself essentially. looking back, this could be interprated in a number of ways, but during the trip, when I looked people in the eye, I saw the consciousness inside of them hating itself. It's like consciousness was disgusted by itself and the fact that it had to exist.

I get the same message. I get versions of the message even more extreme and frightening than your version. Remember you are god and you are the universe and you are the monad. If there is no escape, you can either whine and complain about it as god, or you can make the best of your situation. Play the hand you are dealt. Enjoy a limitless universe and imagination. Enjoy infinite creation. Or get depressed and torture yourself as god. The choice is yours. It is all perception.  

[Snader]

I’ve had something like that on shrooms when I take relatively higher dosage. For me it’s not about escaping, but about the anxiousness rising from realizing the ultimate loneliness of reality.

I’ve dealt with that in many different ways simultaneously. One way is that I admit that I might be lacking consciousness and understanding, so that the realization might not be the whole story as I it experience. Secoundly, I repsect the potential of psychedelics and the twisted nature of reality enough, so I intuitively feel it’s not the whole story, that there is something beautiful lurking beneath that is still for me to discover. Thirdly, I acknowledge the conditioning regarding my ego, being aware that my human bias might be distorting the experience.
 

All of those things are something to be worked on, so I look forward overpassing that realization, or the part of it that is probably misinterpreted. 

Edited September 10, 2023 by Snader

[kamwalker]

I had a similar experience on mushrooms last year. Shook to me to my core. Basically I experienced the infiniteness of reality and it scared my ego to death. I kept trying to convince myself afterwards it was not true and just my preconceived thoughts forming this interpretation of it. But it kept happening over and over. But guess what? Now when I trip I've become accustomed to that experience and it doesn't scare me anymore. I accepted that it's just one aspect of infinite and there is more to discover. Now when I experience that part of infinite I use it as a tool to improve and upgrade my finite self. So long as I remember it. Lol. 

[emil1234]

@Snader Yea I've never really had that loneliness aspect. It goes without saying, also as you point out, we're definetely biased when it comes to these experiences, which is also why we all have slightly different, in some cases extremely different experiences.

I've only experienced the oneness or aloneness part as self loving, like a deeper connection with other people. 

[emil1234]

@kamwalker how are the other parts of infinity that you've experienced? id love to hear

[kamwalker]

2 minutes ago, emil1234 said:

@kamwalker how are the other parts of infinity that you've experienced? id love to hear

The only thing I've experienced and have consistently experienced since it happened last year is the realization of being the singularity from which each and everything is derived. There is only one thing. And the finite mind forgets this in order to continue existing in its current form. 

The problem (or you could argue it's not a problem) is that I will forget what infinite feels like very soon after and it becomes more and more difficult as time passes to describe it or understand it. This is by design. 

[Osaid]

8 hours ago, emil1234 said:

It's like consciousness was disgusted by itself and the fact that it had to exist.

I'm guessing you relate to this sentiment?

I think you could even bring up this "realization" right now if you wanted to. No need for psychedelics. Surely the same mechanism exists across all states?

But then, what actually is it? How does consciousness accomplish being disgusted by itself? Are there states where this doesn't happen? How does consciousness accomplish those states where it doesn't happen? Are the states which have no disgust anti-truth/anti-consciousness? Or maybe it's not inherent to consciousness at all?

Food for thought.

Edited September 10, 2023 by Osaid