Stuck In An Insecure Ridden Rut

[electroBeam]

tl;dr:

my social anxiety and low self esteem is holding me back from fulfilling my insecurities of having no dating experience and social skills, and I'm not sure on how to fix it. I'm not sure of whether I should do shadow work, focus on more parties, or focus on studying at college more, im at a loss. 

 

Hi guys,

I feel completely stuck and unable to actualize. And I just don't know what to do anymore, I have no idea on how to move forward from my complicated position.

I have 3 very strong, deep insecurities holding me back from growth:

- I feel completely insecure about my lack of dating experience with women

- I feel completely insecure about my lack of work experience for employers

- I feel completely insecure about my inability to build rapport with people around me(i think i have autism)

While I don't have social anxiety, I am still an extremely shy person, and still have relatively low lack of self esteem, even though ive been working on those 2 things for nearly 5 years now. 

I'm entangled in these insecurities, and whenever I try and fix one, the other 2 jump in and prevent me from mending the former one. 

For example, whenever I try and achieve pickup, my social anxiety jumps in, and my insecurity about my inability to build rapport jumps in too, and convinces me to not do pickup. Phrases like "you're going to make a massive fool of yourself", "everyone will stare at you and laugh at you" and lastly "why are you doing pickup when you should be working on developing work experience? No employer is going to hire some sleezy pickup artist!" 

But whenever I try and work on developing my work experience for my job, my thoughts jump in and say "you're never going to get that feeling of deep connectedness from your boss", "You suck at dating, you should be doing pickup right now!" 

Due to my insecurities, I have literally filled up my timetable to the point where I literally have no time to sit by myself and contemplate life. I have filled it up with going to parties(to build social skills and dating experience) and work(to gain work experience). But my social anxiety and low self esteem hasn't gone away, and I feel like ive made no progress in the last 2 years at all, or very little. Though whenever I try to decide to deny a party, so I can focus on shadow work, I feel a very deep sense of guilt and fear, because I feel like I'm missing out on social and dating experience that I so desperately need.

I feel extremely stuck. My ego and insecurities have me by the balls, and I'm deeply entangled by it. My dissatisfaction for my life continually grows stronger, and my desire for truth/my inner voice grows louder every day, and my mental state is about to collapse, I can't keep stuck in one place anymore. 

Right now, I have a party to attend on friday, but I know that I shouldnt go because I have a test on monday. Though my fear and insecurities about dating are generating a lot of tension within me, and I don't know what to do. What should I do right now to get out of this rut?

Thanks guys.

 

 

[Martin123]

@electroBeam have you read my shadow-work guide? Sounds like youre a perfect fit.

[Shin]

Join a Zen temple, and stay there until you start laughing at all this.
If you don't, you may never get rid of all this pain, or it might take years or decades of intense suffering.

I'm not joking.

The resistance you're already feeling inside you after reading these 3 lines, is your ego that wants to suffer.

 

So the real question is:

Do you want to suffer, or not ?

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by Shin

[Martin123]

@electroBeam about the zen temple, unless the idea of it really excites you, dont do it.

You have holes in your life because there are lessons to be learnt. The quickest way to alignment is to amp up your learning rate. Emotional healing = learning the lessons you have been resisting.

This is the way it is. Truth be told until you face all the pain you have been running away from, you will be miserable. 

Once you start facing it, it will get worse. For a while, but there will be a happy ending.

Heal your emotions, heal your life. 

Peace

[Shin]

5 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@electroBeam about the zen temple, unless the idea of it really excites you, dont do it.

You have holes in your life because there are lessons to be learnt. The quickest way to alignment is to amp up your learning rate. Emotional healing = learning the lessons you have been resisting.

This is the way it is. Truth be told until you face all the pain you have been running away from, you will be miserable. 

Once you start facing it, it will get worse. For a while, but there will be a happy ending.

Heal your emotions, heal your life. 

Peace

Would be way easier to face it if he stop identifying so much to his ego,
But yeah, ultimately, he has to face it, one way or another.

There is no secret techniques, no drugs or teachers knowledge that will make this easier ...

Edited March 27, 2017 by Shin

[electroBeam]

@Martin123 I'm willing to go through pain, but I see awareness as like an uncontrollable stream. If there is a lot of anxiety or resistance, no level of willpower will allow you to break through some hurdle, because willpower seems to be an illusion. 

I can't physically go and meet new people people of how insecure i feel. Like it physically, by the laws of metaphysics, can't happen.

So that's why i feel stuck. 

[Martin123]

@electroBeam awesome. Enquire deeper, find the underlying beliefs, enquire those, do some breathwork, contemplate them, release emotions, get in touch with your inner child.

and most importantly. Fucking accept yourself homie. Youre perfect beautiful amazing and infinite. You are loved and appreciated. Youre being you better than anyone ever will or have been. 

Your insecurities are perfect as well as your desire to work on them.

Get some coaching tbh if you really feel stuck. Coaches who work with emotions and self-acceptance.

[Shin]

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

@Martin123 I'm willing to go through pain, but I see awareness as like an uncontrollable stream. If there is a lot of anxiety or resistance, no level of willpower will allow you to break through some hurdle, because willpower seems to be an illusion. 

I can't physically go and meet new people people of how insecure i feel. Like it physically, by the laws of metaphysics, can't happen.

So that's why i feel stuck. 

I was in the same state just one year ago, and I didn't get out until my depression came to its peak.

So, if I could choose how to deal with this now, I would definitely go to a zen temple, then facing all this shit, because you do it with almost 0 resistance when you're that conscious.

@Phrae

Just find a Zen Temple somewhere in your country, move to an another if necessary, just use internet, it shouldn't be hard to find.

As far as I know, there is only one in France, so if you live in Europe, you could check it.

 

https://www.google.fr/search?q=you+need+to+know+the+knower&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-ab&gfe_rd=cr&ei=ZPzYWI7pHsPFwgL7y5L4Bg#tbm=lcl&q=temple+zen&*&rlfi=hd:;si:14568284184015835745;mv:!1m3!1d141260.9955640512!2d7.574059!3d48.7209125!2m3!1f0!2f0!3f0!3m2!1i272!2i322!4f13.1

 

 

 

Edited March 27, 2017 by Shin

[Phrae]

@Shin How? Where?

My biggest priority is raising my consciousness. It is becoming clear to me that I can't do it by myself. I can't discipline myself. 

[electroBeam]

Honestly in my experience, I find Buddhist teachers to be 10x more effective at helping you deal with problems then any psychologist suprisingly.

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, electroBeam said:

Honestly in my experience, I find Buddhist teachers to be 10x more effective at helping you deal with problems then any psychologist suprisingly.

honestly, i've never seen someone heal because of psychological treatment. i see people visit psychologists and psychiatrists for years and never ever learn how to reach their own heart.

• in my first crisis i quit psychological and psychiatric treatment and started a dancing routine.
• in my second crisis i started a serious zen/yoga practice

and now i feel complete.

@Shin's words are a real guidance.

[SMC]

@Martin123 where's your shadow work guide? 

[SBB4746]

As someone who sounds like I had a similar mindset (I probably have aspergers to), the other guys are right about your going to have to suffer a lot. You posting on here is a sign of your resistance, as only a ego would post such things. I had to go through some very scary times to overcome most of anxieties. I've been through a lot with past issues and I had to bring them all up and embrace them. Very hard times were I felt a bit crazy and was starting to question my mental health, but thats just ego. My advice is to fail miserable at at your social desires, fail at talking to girls, fail at approaching and then embrace what comes up. I won't lye, its not easy, I have cried through bouts of intense depression multiple times the last couple of months. However the good news is that, each time your surrender to your ego, it slowly starts to lose its power. 

[Martin123]

@SMC

 

[electroBeam]

@SBB4746 sure but what i find is that too many negative experiences(I've been cold approaching for nearly 5 years now, starting back in high school where I would just walk up to a random group of friends, even though I was 100000x worse back then, then now) is that the negative experiences build up and actually make your self esteem worse, because it builds triggers in you which goes off. I think too much exposure causes problems too. 

And I've already suffered heaps!!! Lol I don't know if I can really continue.

to put it into perspective, I've added 200 people on facebook in the last 2 months, because I'm neurotic about this problem, and I don't feel like im getting anything out of it. I'm no more liberated now, then I was 2 months ago, let alone 5 yrs ago. 

I really don't think facing your fears really work. Like in my experience, I've tried that, its not working at all.

it like your body changes, and your abilities change, but YOU and your perception of you doesn't change. It stays the same, and its so hard to change. My body just can't handle walking up to another group of randoms anymore, because it knows its not going to get anything out of it. It feels silly and pointless, like for example why would you smash a plate on the ground for no reason? That's how i feel with cold approaching friends, its just silly and pointless and I can't keep doing it. But at the same time still really suffering.

Edited March 28, 2017 by electroBeam

[Martin123]

@electroBeam

follow the guide. It is perfect for you.

 

[electroBeam]

@Martin123 already am! Thankyou!!! Appreciated

[Martin123]

@electroBeam ah ok I wasnt aware of that. I tried to break through your lovely stubborness. Apologies ?

[electroBeam]

@Martin123 haha I'm like Leo, I seem stubborn on the forum, but behind the scenes I'm taking advice

[SBB4746]

Well it really sounds like you need to be more mindful of how your ego is tricking you. Why are you trying to get so much validation from everyone? Obviously you lack self love and you need to dive deep into this. Why do you think other people will make you happy? Are you trying to get love from others to avoid loving yourself? Once you actually start being ok with yourself, regardless of social status and everything else, people will actually start to respect you. You need to show humbleness by being ok with all aspects of yourself, including your aniexties and social differences. Once this happens you will be surprised by the attention you start to get, but by this point in your delevelopment the attention won't even matter much. 

I also advise you to stop posting on this forum so much looking for answers. It's just another way your ego is trying to distract you from doing the real inner work. The answers you want come from you (the awareness) not anybody else. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can overcome things.