120mg MDMA & Death by Gratitude

[Karla]

120 mg MDMA -Death by Gratitude

 

Thank you Thank you Thank you. I wrote this before bed the day of my trip and forced myself not to change anything LOL.

Writing this before I forget or try to back out of writing it, he he. On 9/4 I got up, did a 20 min meditation, walked outside 30 mins., hydrated, journaled, worked out and then watched a module in a training I’m taking. I drank about 12 ounces of coconut water (fave is Vita CoCo- Pressed, SO good).

I was slightly worried I’d be dehydrated because this happens often when I trip and leads to headache and nausea so, trying coconut water to help my avoid this.

I did a quick paulo santo cleanse in my my room and around my body. Probably one of my favorite smells ever.

I showered, wrote out my intention and ended up dosing later than I initially planned around 12:45p on an empty stomach, except for the coconut water also helps to stave off hunger pangs.

 

Before I plugged the MDMA water, I spoke my intention into the syringe. And felt into it and said thank you. (I learned this from a bufo facilitator and absolutely love it. I’ve been practicing it with everything because it’s so powerful.)

 

Intention from my notebook:

Heart opening heart wisdom

Gratitude, more me, more free & more in love with this experience. Deep, deep knowing. Deep, deep appreciation, feeling & discerning heart guidance over everything.

My lessons always land.

 

I laid down, answered an e-mail quickly that I had forgotten to send and I could feel that it was starting to take effect pretty and it felt uncomfortable to be looking at my screen. I made myself comfortable and spoke my intention aloud again. Thank you ?? 

About 1:15p I could feel the come up pretty strong and I had a fear that perhaps I took too much. Full body tingles and a lot of sensation OF the body. I surrendered because there was no changing it now. Joy slowly increasing. Full body tingles and random tickles. A lot of heart tickles almost butterfly-ish. 

I was really enjoying the sound of my inhales and exhales— a bit “static-y and surreal” along with the music and my hearing seemed intensified. Everything sounded SO beautiful, it made me tear up. I got super cold and grabbed socks to put them on and noticed I felt quite dizzy sitting up.

 

I felt dizzy to get up again and drink water but something kept reminding me to drink so I gave in and then laid back down.

 

Wowww. You’re kidding me this is life. You can’t be serious?? OMG. Oh my God— this work is pure magic. All I could say was thank you, wow wow wow. Holy wow, THIS path… You’re kidding me! Are you effing serious, this feels too good to be real? Sobbing.

 

I am heaven. Living in heaven. I felt like I would be crushed with gratitude, that I would die the feeling was so BIG. Bigger than “me”.

 

Wow. Holy WOW. I said aloud, you can’t be serious? It’s too good, too beautiful -feels so good just to be.

I felt I would be crushed again and die so, I surrendered. I said, I surrender.

 

It felt like my heart burst and just sobbed. Saying thank you between sobs.

This can’t be real… are you serious, are you SERIOUS, I get to do this work? There’s nothing to fix, so much more to see, to feel, to allow.

 

I think 90 minutes in was the highest point around this time. Still enjoying my breathing and the music was so beautiful. Focused all my intention on my inhales and exhales —static-y and my whole body feeling like air.

 

Around 2 hour mark I don’t have anymore water so, I ask my sister to come refill my water and bring me more and I am SO GRATEFUL she is there and can help me because it’s hard to get up. I realize I can’t say thank you enough but say thank you anyways when she brings me some.

I drink and lay down.

Around this time spirit told me I could leave Karla behind, if I wanted. I couldn’t stop sobbing. (Journaled more on this later because at the time I felt so torn with this).

 

I thought if I leave her, what if she comes back? It’s okay & she can. It’s all totally fine. So, I said okay. Thank you for bringing me this far. Thank you for not stopping. Thank you.

 

After about 3.5-4 hours I feel more normal but still very dizzy.

I had a headache starting around 5p, I kept drinking water and it seemed to wear off.

 

I wanted to have cacao with my mystery school sisters at 5:30p (on Zoom) but I wasn’t sure if I could sit up and feel okay for it. My cacao so was sooo good, he he. I could feel this sweet sadness that my trip was over and that I had a lot to integrate at this time as well but still feeling SO grateful.

 

I did make it for the circle. They did rape but do not like rapé so I sipped cacao and shared my experience. I broke into tears but it’s so good to share in an open space— so emotional still and I shared with tears and they held space. It was amazing!

 

Takeaways:

MDMA has some bufo vibes from my last bufo experience but just much less intense. There is this immense gratitude that feels soooo healing to the body but also that there is SO much I don’t know, that all I can do is surrender to the bigness of it. That I have no choice but to surrender.

The heart holds my clarity and I can tap back into this.

Psychedelics expand my capacity to feel and this is a powerful intelligence we learn to suppress. All the feels have a beauty.

I’ve been eating cleaner than clean— lol. No treat foods, no alcohol at all for almost 3 months and this does affect how the body receives the medicine. I was already pretty healthy with my food choices but subtle changes matter more than I ever imagined.

I could do this work my whole life and there would still be oceans more and I can be grateful for this or see it as challenging, either way I keep going anyways.

I feel so grateful to find Leo and find this community.

I keep having these BIG gratitude bombs with trips so, I this must be what I need right now and I can totally see that.

 

[Karla]

Here’s my playlist I used btw. If you have some similar music vibes, pls share yours thx: 

 

[Arthogaan]

Beautiful 
 

 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

Very cool. Cheers!

[PurpleTree]

Nice

[Yimpa]

7 hours ago, Karla said:

I drank about 12 ounces of coconut water (fave is Vita CoCo- Pressed, SO good).

I was slightly worried I’d be dehydrated because this happens often when I trip and leads to headache and nausea so, trying coconut water to help my avoid this.

Wow, my psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to try her coconut water last time I went. She asked me twice, yet I refused both times because I had a slight allergic reaction when I tried coconut water a looong time ago.

I’m going to actually ask her for it next time I go. Life’s too short to be hung up on past bad experiences!

Edited September 6, 2023 by Yimpa

[Karla]

@Arthogaan love all of these and especially the last one. SO good ??

[Karla]

3 hours ago, Yimpa said:

Wow, my psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to try her coconut water last time I went. She asked me twice, yet I refused both times because I had a slight allergic reaction when I tried coconut water a looong time ago.

I’m going to actually ask her for it next time I go. Life’s too short to be hung up on past bad experiences!

@Yimpa yes try but maybe make sure you’re not allergic.

I think they are all so different. I also really enjoy harmless harvest brand- with pulp = really tasty. I kinda experiment and try different ones and the options are better than ever now.

some coconut water is just not good. my favorite kind is actually a bit processed ha ha but still my fave flavor wise.

[StarStruck]

@Karla nice trip report. So the only stuff you do is set intentions and surrender? Sounds so easy. I have trouble with surrendering. 

[Yimpa]

@StarStruck do you have trouble surrendering on psychedelics or while sober?

[StarStruck]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

@StarStruck do you have trouble surrendering on psychedelics or while sober?

both

[Yimpa]

3 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

both

Me too. Try reframing surrender from a form of punishment to a form of acceptance.