How do you compliment a man (without hitting on him)?

[eos_nyxia]

I was having a conversation with my husband recently where he mentioned something about how men are starved for positive attention, like compliments. This is something that I have heard of and thought about a bit before.

 

Then I said (and I'm pretty sure a lot of women feel this way):

1. You know, I would love to give more compliments, but I feel like I have to repress or water down the urge because I feel like I can't compliment a dude without him assuming that I am hitting on him, so... I just don’t. (Presumably, the man is cishet, because there is still often that cishet pretense when you interact with someone of the opposite sex.) Mostly I’ve saved my positive attention for children, animals, and women. (With women, it has not always been without issues, like some people might assume that women compliment each other freely all the time and then everything is always great. Let’s just say that if your tone and emotional energy appear off, sometimes a truly well-intentioned compliment can come off as a back-handed compliment, or a competitive gesture.) I cannot help but feel like if there is no attraction (or pretense or potential for attraction), then I would be able to compliment the opposite sex with it being just that... a compliment. For example, if I were someone’s elderly grandma, then maybe I’d be able to complement men (even just a simple, “wow, you look nice!”) without it being interpreted as having ulterior motives?
2. This puts even more pressure on men’s female partners to be “everything” for them emotionally, all of the compliments, nurturing, and affirmation, which may be neither healthy, realistic, or achievable. Who knows if one person will ever be capable of filling up another's lifelong emotional deficit? 
3. In our culture, if women can’t feasibly actually do much about this, then maybe men should offer other men more compliments more openly. No need to be like nO hOMo! (not sure if people still use this phrase non-ironically)... why can’t you just say that a guy is good-looking or charming, or something else, without attaching a caveat onto it?    (And also, do these compliments not count because it's not affirmation from people you want something from in a sexual/romantic way, and if so, why is this the only attention that matters?)

 

RELATED QUESTION: As a dude, what sort of compliments would you actually like to hear more of?

Edited August 29, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[Leo Gura]

"No homo, but I like your dick."

[eos_nyxia]

8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

"No homo, but I like your dick."

I might just start saying "no homo" after every compliment I give to the opposite sex now.

[Buck Edwards]

Compliments count if they're validatory or else of little value. 

[Buck Edwards]

22 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

"No homo, but I like your dick."

You realize that you can't have that word and "no homo" in the same sentence. You created a strange oxymoron there, strange loopy loopy guy. 

 

[Princess Arabia]

27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

"No homo, but I like your dick."

 

[mr_engineer]

@eos_nyxia The attitude that I'm getting from your post is that it's a chore for you. That you're not really motivated to do this but you're considering it because it would be a nice thing to do for others around you. (You don't sound motivated to do it for women, children and animals either, by the way)

Consider the possibility that words of affirmation are not your love-language. And figure out what your love-language is. And express love in that language. This is also the answer to a potential fear that you'd have of 'having to be everything for your husband'. 

The truth is that if you want to be authentic and loving in an inspired way, you need love-language compatibility with your partner (or even friends, for that matter). If you have that, you will have no issues being loving towards them in the right love-language, it will not feel like a chore and it will not drain you. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by mr_engineer

[Israfil]

1 hour ago, eos_nyxia said:

I was having a conversation with my husband recently where he mentioned something about how men are starved for positive attention, like compliments. This is something that I have heard of and thought about a bit before.

 

Then I said (and I'm pretty sure a lot of women feel this way):

1. You know, I would love to give more compliments, but I feel like I have to repress or water down the urge because I feel like I can't compliment a dude without him assuming that I am hitting on him, so... I just don’t. (Presumably, the man is cishet, because there is still often that cishet pretense when you interact with someone of the opposite sex.) Mostly I’ve saved my positive attention for children, animals, and women. (With women, it has not always been without issues, like some people might assume that women compliment each other freely all the time and then everything is always great. Let’s just say that if your tone and emotional energy appear off, sometimes a truly well-intentioned compliment can come off as a back-handed compliment, or a competitive gesture.) I cannot help but feel like if there is no attraction (or pretense or potential for attraction), then I would be able to compliment the opposite sex with it being just that... a compliment. For example, if I were someone’s elderly grandma, then maybe I’d be able to complement men (even just a simple, “wow, you look nice!”) without it being interpreted as having ulterior motives?
2. This puts even more pressure on men’s female partners to be “everything” for them emotionally, all of the compliments, nurturing, and affirmation, which may be neither healthy, realistic, or achievable. Who knows if one person will ever be capable of filling up another's lifelong emotional deficit? 
3. In our culture, if women can’t feasibly actually do much about this, then maybe men should offer other men more compliments more openly. No need to be like nO hOMo! (not sure if people still use this phrase non-ironically)... why can’t you just say that a guy is good-looking or charming, or something else, without attaching a caveat onto it?    (And also, do these compliments not count because it's not affirmation from people you want something from in a sexual/romantic way, and if so, why is this the only attention that matters?)

 

RELATED QUESTION: As a dude, what sort of compliments would you actually like to hear more of?

Women at the place I work have given me compliments. I didn't take it as a flirting thing. I guess it's a mixture of context and delivery. Most emotionally aware people will be able to separate flirting from kindness. And don't forget you have the power of the n-word (no) at your sleeve all the time. You are not obliged to meet the expectations of anyone that thinks your flirting with them.

[Raze]

Maybe mention your husband in the compliment 

[Jacob Morres]

No clue tbh from a women pov. Maybe if u double down on being platonic you could do it

Ik girls flirt subtly so I could see why it gets misconstrued as a sign.. maybe ud need to find a girl that knows how to do this

Men generally really are starved in this way tho

 

Edited August 29, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[eos_nyxia]

3 hours ago, mr_engineer said:

@eos_nyxia The attitude that I'm getting from your post is that it's a chore for you. That you're not really motivated to do this but you're considering it because it would be a nice thing to do for others around you. (You don't sound motivated to do it for women, children and animals either, by the way)

To a degree, being around people is a chore for me, unless they really feel like "my people" (or "my person", in the case of my husband). There has been a high degree of social masking involved throughout my whole life, since early childhood. It IS draining and unnatural for me. It's likely related to this issue, but is also a whole other can of worms in and of itself.

I actually do sympathize a great deal with men who feel like they have to learn social skills and inference from scratch, because in many ways I have been doing the same thing, though probably I started when I was much younger. Basically: 1) observe  2) take action  3) see how people react  4) observe  5) draw conclusions  6) rinse and repeat steps 1-5  7) assess conclusions again

Basically, a lot of everything that I do socially is done manually or deliberately, and sometimes that involves a lot more rumination than is really technically necessary. (Or you could say "consciously", but I don't put my own behaviour on a pedestal here, it's just my defacto state.) A lot doesn't come automatically or impulsively, especially the older I get.

Quote

Consider the possibility that words of affirmation are not your love-language. And figure out what your love-language is. And express love in that language. This is also the answer to a potential fear that you'd have of 'having to be everything for your husband'. 

This isn't about my husband or my relationship with him, actually. There is no anxiety there. There is a highway of compliments going both ways, but I actually learned a lot about how to be much freer with compliments from him, based on the way that he treated me. I didn't grow up with compliments or positive affirmation, and it's really hard to model what you don't know.

However, I do actually have the desire to spontaneously compliment positively. I used to work in education with youth for a time, I was very free with my compliments. It wasn't natural to me though (see above), but I learned. Sometimes it's been like I've wanted to say something complimentary so bad, but it always seems so WRONG, either what I say, or how it comes out. At times in my life I've been quite isolated, and that hasn't helped at all with the hyperconsciousness thing.

The original post is moreso about dealing with and meeting new people, having friendships with the opposite sex, making sense of ambiguous expectations, etc. I like to minimize problems. So much so, that I think about problems that don't technically exist yet (but probably will, lol).

The other thoughts are just things I thought were worth talking about, as a social issue. Aka. why can't cishet men get more compliments if they need/ want them?

Quote

The truth is that if you want to be authentic and loving in an inspired way, you need love-language compatibility with your partner (or even friends, for that matter). If you have that, you will have no issues being loving towards them in the right love-language, it will not feel like a chore and it will not drain you. 

I don't think it's a bad sentiment to want to meet people where they are, and help the collective needs of society be met somehow, do you?

I'm not of the mind of people automatically understanding and hitting it off with me and then having excellent, effortless relationships all the time without some sort of "effort" or "work" on my part anymore TBH. And also just expecting it to go somewhere, and then actually have it go somewhere according to my expectations/ ideals.

Also, isn't it worth learning to get along with people and understand them, for everyone's greatest good?

Edited August 30, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[eos_nyxia]

2 hours ago, Israfil said:

Women at the place I work have given me compliments. I didn't take it as a flirting thing. I guess it's a mixture of context and delivery. Most emotionally aware people will be able to separate flirting from kindness. And don't forget you have the power of the n-word (no) at your sleeve all the time. You are not obliged to meet the expectations of anyone that thinks your flirting with them.

Yea, I think you're right about everything that you've said.

[Buck Edwards]

43 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

The original post is moreso about dealing with and meeting new people, having friendships with the opposite sex, making sense of ambiguous expectations, etc. I like to minimize problems. So much so, that I think about problems that don't technically exist yet (but probably will, lol).

I don't know what's the big deal with you. Doesn't seem like you want to minimize problems. You don't have to compliment everyone you meet. You could simply have a friendly conversation and that would be enough unless you want to make your partner uncomfortable on purpose,lol. You make this unnecessarily complicated. Yes compliments can be taken as affection and there's nothing wrong or emotionally un-aware about feeling that way, they are not uncalibrated if they thought something about it, in fact you're the one being uncalibrated lol. Because most people who want to flirt start with complimenting first. This is how society has always operated and it's not going to change to your needs. Maybe don't compliment the opposite sex on their looks, maybe compliment them on their abilities or maybe do it in front of your husband so it doesn't appear sneaky. You don't have to compliment someone, make them feel awkward, and then explain yourself or guilt trip them for feeling awkward because they misunderstood you. It wasn't their fault either. Don't guys who flirt with women pay them compliments? It goes both ways. If you don't have enough social calibration, then just don't try it and make it less stressful for everyone involved. Because compliments can often be very misleading, give mixed signals and are generally used with intention, especially if they're strangers. If you have already known them for a long time, then they might not take it too seriously as they have known enough about you and they already know the equation is platonic. And if this is a constant source of tension between you and your husband, then they're bigger problems between the two of you to sort than just complimenting noobs.

 

Edited August 30, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

4 hours ago, mr_engineer said:

The truth is that if you want to be authentic and loving in an inspired way, you need love-language compatibility with your partner (or even friends, for that matter). If you have that, you will have no issues being loving towards them in the right love-language, it will not feel like a chore and it will not drain you. 

This is true. I agree with this. If you have a healthy relationship, you would never feel the need to explain anything. In fact if you have issues with communicating love, then it's often a sign of insecurities on both or one side at least. Or a lack of love. 

Edited August 30, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[eos_nyxia]

5 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

I don't know what's the big deal with you. Doesn't seem like you want to minimize problems.

I like to think about things that many people see as small things and deconstruct them and analyze them. Small issues usually relate directly to bigger issues somehow. I also like to think about society in general, which is in a way always open-ended. Always becoming and transforming. I like to try to understand these things.

And as mentioned above, a lot of my emotion does actually follow my "logic" first, and not vice versa, so I need to have some sort of clear logical understanding, perspective, or praxis governing my emotions and behaviour.  I'm under the understanding that this is actually quite alien to quite a few people.

Quote

You don't have to compliment everyone you meet. You could simply have a friendly conversation and that would be enough unless you want to make your partner uncomfortable on purpose,lol. You make this unnecessarily complicated.

Yea, I know that?  This is about complimenting men more in situations that I would like to remain platonic. I've lost a good handful or two of male friendships for this reason over the years (some of them were very good ones IMO), and I think I've had one where we stayed friends but we aren't particularly close anymore anyway.

I would like to avoid situations like these if possible.

Quote

Yes compliments can be taken as affection and there's nothing wrong or emotionally un-aware about feeling that way, they are uncalibrated if they thought something about it. Because most people who want to flirt start with complimenting first. This is how society has always operated and it's not going to change to your needs.

This isn't about my needs; I know how to not compliment everyone on the street, lol.

This is at least partially about men complaining (or feeling wistful) that they don't get compliments from the opposite sex more. I myself was just wondering about myself, coming from the opposite side of the equation. What could I potentially do to meet some collective, unmet need?

Quote

Don't guys who flirt with women pay them compliments? It goes both ways. If you don't have enough social calibration, then just don't try it and make it less stressful for everyone involved. Because compliments can often be very misleading, give mixed signals and are generally used with intention, especially if they're strangers. If you have already known them for a long time, then they might not take it too seriously as they have known enough about you and they already know the equation is platonic. 

So it has to be this way because it's been this way since time immemorial? I guess if that's truly the case, no compliments for anyone then!

Seriously though.... people complain that modern urban society is cold, insular, and unempathetic, I am legitimately trying to figure out how to be kinder and less.... cold, insular, and unempathetic.  Lol............

 

 

[eos_nyxia]

15 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

This is true. I agree with this. If you have a healthy relationship, you would never feel the need to explain anything. In fact if you have issues with communicating love, then it's often a sign of insecurities on both or one side at least. Or a lack of love. 

Y'all need to stop projecting.

[Buck Edwards]

4 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

I like to think about things that many people see as small things and deconstruct them and analyze them. Small issues usually relate directly to bigger issues somehow. I also like to think about society in general, which is in a way always open-ended. Always becoming and transforming. I like to try to understand these things.

And as mentioned above, a lot of my emotion does actually follow my "logic" first, and not vice versa, so I need to have some sort of clear logical understanding, perspective, or praxis governing my emotions and behaviour.  I'm under the understanding that this is actually quite alien to quite a few people.

Then process your logic around it first. 

4 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

Yea, I know that?  This is about complimenting men more in situations that I would like to remain platonic. I've lost a good handful or two of male friendships for this reason over the years (some of them were very good ones IMO), and I think I've had one where we stayed friends but we aren't particularly close anymore anyway.

That's impossible. There's not a donkey in the room. There's more to this than mere complimenting men. You don't just lose someone for complimenting them. You probably made them feel wanted and then unwanted. They felt offended and walked out of the drama. 

4 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

I would like to avoid situations like these if possible.

This isn't about my needs; I know how to not compliment everyone on the street, lol.

This is at least partially about men complaining (or feeling wistful) that they don't get compliments from the opposite sex more. I myself was just wondering about myself, coming from the opposite side of the equation. What could I potentially do to meet some collective, unmet need?

But you don't have to meet their needs when you have a husband, maybe attend to his needs if possible. It's valid for him to feel awkward if you're too worried about the needs of other men. When men complain about compliments they don't mean married and taken women lol. They mean there's not an abundant amount of flirting these days, thanks to feminists who make everything a chore and complain about misogyny all the time. It's not your job to meet an unmet need at the expense of everyone's peace. People will meet their needs in a more wholesome way without the extra baggage, if you know what I mean. 

4 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

So it has to be this way because it's been this way since time immemorial? I guess if that's truly the case, no compliments for anyone then!

I don't think people are always fishing for compliments. A drama free relationship is what most men look for. 

4 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

Seriously though.... people complain that modern urban society is cold, insular, and unempathetic, I am legitimately trying to figure out how to be kinder and less.... cold, insular, and unempathetic.  Lol............

 

 

By generating less drama lol. If women didn't have an enormous sense of self importance, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard for men to date. Regarding cold and insular, just be nice and friendly and don't take it overboard. Avoid unnecessary shit if you can. 

[eos_nyxia]

23 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

That's impossible. There's not a donkey in the room. There's more to this than mere complimenting men. You don't just lose someone for complimenting them. You probably made them feel wanted and then unwanted. They felt offended and walked out of the drama. 

Perhaps true, but also perhaps projecting. Perhaps I missed something, perhaps not. Legitimately, maybe I do not know for sure.

What drama though?  Not sure where you're pulling these assumptions out of.

Quote

But you don't have to meet their needs when you have a husband, maybe attend to his needs if possible.

Husband = no male friends? Got it!!!!!!   Wait, don't you try to meet everyone's needs in some way? Friends? Family? Etc.

Quote

It's valid for him to feel awkward if you're too worried about the needs of other men. When men complain about compliments they don't mean married and taken women lol. They mean there's not an abundant amount of flirting these days, thanks to feminists who make everything a chore and complain about misogyny all the time.

You don't really know anything about my dynamic with my husband, I'm not sure why you keep interjecting about him into this conversation when you don't know what the dynamics of our relationship is like, our level of trust, or even if I'm a following the traditional monogamous life path or not? What I'm talking about is literally everyone else. I've known him for a long ass time; hopefully when you know someone for that long, you truly, actually know how they think and feel.

Quote

It's not your job to meet an unmet need at the expense of everyone's peace. People will meet their needs in a more wholesome way without the extra baggage, if you know what I mean.

It's not my job, but I still wanted to know and to ask.

Quote

I don't think people are always fishing for compliments. A drama free relationship is what most men look for. 

Experience has not proved this to be true, personally. Men get bored too, it seems.

Quote

By generating less drama lol. If women didn't have an enormous sense of self importance, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard for men to date. Regarding cold and insular, just be nice and friendly and don't take it overboard. Avoid unnecessary shit if you can. 

So it really just is about getting compliments from people you only want to date and have sex with, and where there's a real chance of it? If that's true, I guess that would be simple enough then! Either way, I'm not sure why y'all are writing to me like I'm having a massive life crisis about this.

Edited August 30, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[Buck Edwards]

19 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

Husband = no male friends? Got it!!!!!!   Wait, don't you try to meet everyone's needs in some way? Friends? Family? Etc.

Only for those who know how to be around people generally peacefully. 

Quote

You don't really know anything about my dynamic with my husband, I'm not sure why you keep injecting about him into this conversation when you don't know what the dynamics of our relationship is like, our level of trust, or even if I'm a following the traditional monogamous life path or not? What I'm talking about is literally everyone else. I've known him for a long ass time; hopefully when you know someone for that long, you truly, actually know how they think and feel.

It's not my job, but I still wanted to know and to ask.

If it's not your job, then don't take it is what I meant originally by - don't create unnecessary shit. 

Quote

Experience has not proved this to be true, personally. Men get bored too, it seems.

This is the most hilarious statement I must have come across. If you have that mentality, no wonder you find yourself in trouble sensing from your original post. Men don't like being riled up for shits and giggles. Don't know about women though. 

Quote

So it really just is about getting compliments from people you only want to date and have sex with, and where there's a real chance of it?

It's about social calibration. Men are starved and emotionally sensitive. Anything you say as a woman can be a big deal to them. You shouldn't take someone's emotions for granted. Retrospectively you could be doing more harm than good in your quest to meet needs lol. Yes it would be nice to get compliments from others too (I mean women you don't wanna date or expect sex from) but it comes with caveats. Nobody likes to deal with baggage and offloaded emotions. You're perhaps not good at it and that's why you repulsed those men and they walked out. Contrary to popular belief that men aren't emotional or they are too stoic, men can actually sense the intent behind a woman's conversation as it is an important means of dating and survival. It's easy to see how an emotionally starved man can see your compliments as a disguise. Just don't do it. Don't lay your hook where you don't wanna fish. The nature of your underhanded commenting suggests that you probably enjoy baiting. Tons of women like that. 

Quote

If that's true, I guess that would be simple enough then! Either way, I'm not sure why y'all are writing to me like I'm having a massive life crisis about this.

Your original post sounds like it. God, look at its length, just says how much you're fussing over a nonchalant issue lol. You could be creating a major life crisis for someone else. 

Edited August 30, 2023 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

25 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

So it really just is about getting compliments from people you only want to date and have sex with, and where there's a real chance of it? If that's true, I guess that would be simple enough then! Either way, I'm not sure why y'all are writing to me like I'm having a massive life crisis about this.

Also men want something that will lead to something substantial. They're brutally survival oriented than women. If they're into a woman, they're in it for the long haul, not just playing games. Of course they can have flings too, but on their own time, not at the expense of their personal peace. So if they see there's smoke without fire, they don't wanna waste too much time around it. Just getting a decent woman is already hard enough than wasting time around women who aren't worth the time. So if something doesn't lead to anything, then they have better things to do and attend to. It doesn't mean they can't be friends with you. But just generally men avoid being friends with women if there's not much to gain from it, it drains resources big time, this is male mentality, just deal with it. Don't make it overly complicated. Some men really want to be just friends, but you women won't give them the time of the day. You wanna bait high quality men and friendzone them, what for, they can find better girlfriends than be a woman's emotional tampon. Most women just use men in the name of being friends, anyway. Social media is full of emotionally manipulative women, the so called dark feminine, women using men to get likes on their profiles. Men are too tired of that shit and want to go for the real deal and not carrots hanging on a stick. Women are really good at dangling those carrots. Most men don't see being friends with women as a profitable option in the long run, always being friendzoned.