Need Help Getting Over Ex-Girlfriend

[r0ckyreed]

I was really hesitant to make this post. But I have just not been able to do this on my own just yet.

Information

So, I was in a 9 month relationship from August 13, 2022 - May 16, 2023. 

We had a shared history of going to the same high school. We were both in band, I was a trumpet player and she was in the color guard. 

At the time of our relationship, she was finishing her senior year of Acting. We got together by her messaging me out of the blue on Instagram.

We had many great moments together and had my first sexual experiences with her at 26 years old. I am still a virgin and she was too.

In the past couple months of our relationship, I noticed her pulling back of not responding to texts as much and not hanging out very often. When we were together, we hung out once a week, two times a week at most. I noticed she wouldn't kiss me as much and would pull back.

I brought up early in our relationship that I was not sure about kids that I go back and forth on my stance. She stated that she wanted to have kids by 35 years old. She is 23 years old now but 22 years old at the time I dated her and I was 25-26.

She brought up that we have different values. That she wanted to live in an urban big city and I wanted a more suburban quieter lifestyle. She wanted kids someday but I wasn't sure. She stated that she wanted to breakup with me because "we both need to take time to figure out what we want." By the way, she broke up with me after she graduated from college. She was not sure whether she was going to Chicago to pursue acting. Her goal was to go there. She was crying more than I was when she was breaking up with me. She stated that she needed to break up to work on herself because she does not love herself. 

We went on one last date where we began. Our first date was bowling and we ended our last date bowling. She cried into my arms after I walked her to the car and I gave her a goodbye kiss and a card that I wrote to her indicating my love for her, my respect for her break, and to never accept love less than I have given her. She told me I raised the bar so high and that she would take 2 years to move on from me. She told me that if we ever see each other out, that she wanted me to say "hi" and acknowledge her existence. She told me that she wanted me in her life.

On June 30, 2023 about a month after our breakup, I ran into her randomly at the bar. I was playing pool with my sister on karaoke night and she saw me and waved "hi" and then walked out. I followed her out and told her something along the lines of "hi, how have you been doing? You told me if we ever saw each other out that we wouldn't make it awkward." She was shaking I was talking to her. She said "I am really trying hard not to cry right now. Can I give you a hug?" We hugged. I asked her more questions about what she was doing for work during the Summer after graduating college, but her friends were all surrounding her at this point and said "We are going now." Then, they went off.

We have not been texting at all. I told her that I will not contact her at all unless she initiates it. I think it is smart since she is the one who initiated the breakup. I have not communicated with her since that night. But she has been still viewing and liking my social media posts.

The Issue

So last night, August 27, 2023, my friend encouraged me to go back into online dating. I went on the online dating app back in early July. But I reinstalled Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge. And guess what? After quite a few swipe lefts, I see her on there! My heart was racing and beating. I did not get any sleep last night at all. Only 3 hours. She was on both Bumble and Hinge. I have not swiped right or left. I just left it there and closed out of app. Her friend is also on the app as well. It just feels so weird to me that she is back on dating and moving on after all that she said to me. I just don't get it. I went to the gym this morning at 5am because I couldn't sleep.

I am just not sure what to do here guys. I watched Leo's video on How To Get Over Breakups. I have been focusing on myself. But my issue is that I am struggling because I do not have many options for girls. I do not get very many likes on the dating apps, and many of the girls are college students in my town and don't really meet my standards. I am generalizing here.

I have been going out to bars by myself. I went to a country dance bar and just danced by myself. I got to dance with some women but that was it. I also went to karaoke bar and sang songs. But other than that, I really do not have much friends.

What really bothers me is that she is on these apps moving on when she said that the reason for our breakup seemed to be because she was going to move to Chicago. I am just a little lost and heartbroken. I thought I was over her. This is my first love and first heartbreak by the way. We never had sex at all in our 9 months of being together. She told me during the breakup that the reason for not having sex was because of my position on having kids, which I told her was "probably not, but I am still not sure."

I just need some feedback on what to do. I have been having some immature thoughts of swiping right just to show her that I am still here and am moving on too. I also had thoughts of putting the box of all the cards she wrote me and all the things she made for me on her front door step. But I don't think I am going to do any of that. I am just being 100% real and honest with you all. This has fucked with my mind, and I have never done psychedelics. Thanks for your time and thoughts. 

EDIT: By the way, I am not for sure if I should still keep the box of all the cards, painting, and gifts she made/got for me. It is in my closet. Part of me just wants to get rid of it by dropping it off at her front door step, but that just sounds too immature. Sorry, I have been having a lot of irrational/immature thoughts lately because of the recent events.

Edited August 29, 2023 by r0ckyreed

[r0ckyreed]

This is my first experience guys by the way. I am 26 yo with Aspergers Syndrome or ASD and ADHD. Not really sure how to deal with this. Appreciate any support.

[Ajax]

@r0ckyreed  Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you figure it out soon.

What is your vision, goals and purpose in life? 

List me some of your mental blocks that are inhibiting you.

I know you can do well and prosper and Kudos for going to the gym. Building them muscles and looking sexy for the ladies. 

LOVE IT!

Edited August 29, 2023 by Ajax

[Sugarcoat]

54 minutes ago, r0ckyreed said:

But my issue is that I am struggling because I do not have many options for girls.

You sad about this mostly or her specifically? 

[Noahsteelers34]

I went through a break up recently. The most important steps to take are to get yourself back to an emotionally attractive state. Take a dance class, or boxing, or something that you enjoy that challenges you. Get proof that other women are attracted to you. Meet new people, have new experiences. Gain optimism about your future with other women. Get over any delusions that she was special or the one. List all of her flaws and reasons she wasn’t right for you. Make a list of all the reasons you are value. Approach new women. 

[Someone here]

I broke up with my girlfriend just recently.  I have nothing to say to you . It's just horrible. I tried to man up and not get sucked into depression but it's just horrible. 

I hope you find a new gf soon .

[r0ckyreed]

2 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

You sad about this mostly or her specifically? 

Both. Mostly just trying to move on and find someone better. But I am not getting anywhere. I am 26 yo and time is running thin. I want to have more relationships in my youth so I can decide whether I want kids or not one day. Still not certain on that.

2 hours ago, Someone here said:

I broke up with my girlfriend just recently.  I have nothing to say to you . It's just horrible. I tried to man up and not get sucked into depression but it's just horrible. 

I hope you find a new gf soon .

Damn. How did that happen? 

[Salvijus]

Damn. Sounds tough

Edited August 29, 2023 by Salvijus

[Sugarcoat]

31 minutes ago, r0ckyreed said:

Both. Mostly just trying to move on and find someone better. But I am not getting anywhere. I am 26 yo and time is running thin. I want to have more relationships in my youth so I can decide whether I want kids or not one day. Still not certain on that.

So if you could choose , would you rather feel like you have options or , for this worrying to stop ?

[Raze]

 

[Kalki Avatar]

What helped me move on from my ex in a couple of weeks was getting busy, doing stuff I love, going on adventures by my own, hanging with friends, using Psychedelics, going to the club, talking with alot of girls online, having sex with new girls, going to strip clubs and even fucking a scort.

Now, I dont even remember her very well. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by Kalki Avatar

[meta_male]

15 hours ago, r0ckyreed said:

EDIT: By the way, I am not for sure if I should still keep the box of all the cards, painting, and gifts she made/got for me. It is in my closet. Part of me just wants to get rid of it by dropping it off at her front door step, but that just sounds too immature.

The part of you that's thinking about doing this is the part who wants to show her how much it hurts. The other part thinks it's immature. Listen to the adult here.

[r0ckyreed]

13 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

So if you could choose , would you rather feel like you have options or , for this worrying to stop ?

Have options.

[r0ckyreed]

2 hours ago, meta_male said:

The part of you that's thinking about doing this is the part who wants to show her how much it hurts. The other part thinks it's immature. Listen to the adult here.

Not sure if I understand. What is the adult response move here in this situation?

[Sugarcoat]

10 hours ago, r0ckyreed said:

Have options.

That’s feeding the worry, because it really is its own independent thing. Ironically you get less attractive to women with this type of worry,  which you might know already, not that that is the reason to try to resolve it , but still.
 

It’s like a cycle. You probably already had this insecurity around attracting women before, then you get a girl, now you feel good temporarily, but since it’s based on her being with you , if she leaves you’re hurting. Then you feed the worry again, thinking the solution is to have options but then you’re stuck in the same cycle, if you get a girl you’ll feel good temporarily but if she leaves, which is out of your control you’ll feel shitty again. It’s a very unstable thing to base such happiness on. 
 

all that meditation you talk about in your profile flew out the window now didn’t it? 
 

Since you say you have ASD. I also have such tendencies and I had problems with feeling very stuck in my head so if that’s the case maybe take some deep breaths and do things that could help you ground you deeper in your body to calm the mind. For me body awareness has helped a lot.

 

 

[The Redeemer]

On 8/28/2023 at 10:01 PM, r0ckyreed said:

I was really hesitant to make this post. But I have just not been able to do this on my own just yet.

Information

So, I was in a 9 month relationship from August 13, 2022 - May 16, 2023. 

We had a shared history of going to the same high school. We were both in band, I was a trumpet player and she was in the color guard. 

At the time of our relationship, she was finishing her senior year of Acting. We got together by her messaging me out of the blue on Instagram.

We had many great moments together and had my first sexual experiences with her at 26 years old. I am still a virgin and she was too.

In the past couple months of our relationship, I noticed her pulling back of not responding to texts as much and not hanging out very often. When we were together, we hung out once a week, two times a week at most. I noticed she wouldn't kiss me as much and would pull back.

I brought up early in our relationship that I was not sure about kids that I go back and forth on my stance. She stated that she wanted to have kids by 35 years old. She is 23 years old now but 22 years old at the time I dated her and I was 25-26.

She brought up that we have different values. That she wanted to live in an urban big city and I wanted a more suburban quieter lifestyle. She wanted kids someday but I wasn't sure. She stated that she wanted to breakup with me because "we both need to take time to figure out what we want." By the way, she broke up with me after she graduated from college. She was not sure whether she was going to Chicago to pursue acting. Her goal was to go there. She was crying more than I was when she was breaking up with me. She stated that she needed to break up to work on herself because she does not love herself. 

We went on one last date where we began. Our first date was bowling and we ended our last date bowling. She cried into my arms after I walked her to the car and I gave her a goodbye kiss and a card that I wrote to her indicating my love for her, my respect for her break, and to never accept love less than I have given her. She told me I raised the bar so high and that she would take 2 years to move on from me. She told me that if we ever see each other out, that she wanted me to say "hi" and acknowledge her existence. She told me that she wanted me in her life.

On June 30, 2023 about a month after our breakup, I ran into her randomly at the bar. I was playing pool with my sister on karaoke night and she saw me and waved "hi" and then walked out. I followed her out and told her something along the lines of "hi, how have you been doing? You told me if we ever saw each other out that we wouldn't make it awkward." She was shaking I was talking to her. She said "I am really trying hard not to cry right now. Can I give you a hug?" We hugged. I asked her more questions about what she was doing for work during the Summer after graduating college, but her friends were all surrounding her at this point and said "We are going now." Then, they went off.

We have not been texting at all. I told her that I will not contact her at all unless she initiates it. I think it is smart since she is the one who initiated the breakup. I have not communicated with her since that night. But she has been still viewing and liking my social media posts.

The Issue

So last night, August 27, 2023, my friend encouraged me to go back into online dating. I went on the online dating app back in early July. But I reinstalled Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge. And guess what? After quite a few swipe lefts, I see her on there! My heart was racing and beating. I did not get any sleep last night at all. Only 3 hours. She was on both Bumble and Hinge. I have not swiped right or left. I just left it there and closed out of app. Her friend is also on the app as well. It just feels so weird to me that she is back on dating and moving on after all that she said to me. I just don't get it. I went to the gym this morning at 5am because I couldn't sleep.

I am just not sure what to do here guys. I watched Leo's video on How To Get Over Breakups. I have been focusing on myself. But my issue is that I am struggling because I do not have many options for girls. I do not get very many likes on the dating apps, and many of the girls are college students in my town and don't really meet my standards. I am generalizing here.

I have been going out to bars by myself. I went to a country dance bar and just danced by myself. I got to dance with some women but that was it. I also went to karaoke bar and sang songs. But other than that, I really do not have much friends.

What really bothers me is that she is on these apps moving on when she said that the reason for our breakup seemed to be because she was going to move to Chicago. I am just a little lost and heartbroken. I thought I was over her. This is my first love and first heartbreak by the way. We never had sex at all in our 9 months of being together. She told me during the breakup that the reason for not having sex was because of my position on having kids, which I told her was "probably not, but I am still not sure."

I just need some feedback on what to do. I have been having some immature thoughts of swiping right just to show her that I am still here and am moving on too. I also had thoughts of putting the box of all the cards she wrote me and all the things she made for me on her front door step. But I don't think I am going to do any of that. I am just being 100% real and honest with you all. This has fucked with my mind, and I have never done psychedelics. Thanks for your time and thoughts. 

EDIT: By the way, I am not for sure if I should still keep the box of all the cards, painting, and gifts she made/got for me. It is in my closet. Part of me just wants to get rid of it by dropping it off at her front door step, but that just sounds too immature. Sorry, I have been having a lot of irrational/immature thoughts lately because of the recent events.

 

 

Doesn't sound like you did anything particularly wrong per se. Some women really want to have kids, so it could have been a major deal breaker for her. Or she just seemed like you weren't going to be a good fit for her and was trying to let you down easy.

Really it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with being in love with someone. Just try to see things objectively and zoom out and honestly ask yourself if you guys would have been a good fit long-term.

I recently got over my ex. I still have mixed feelings for her, but if I honestly assess the situation, I realize that she is quite immature and has values that don't mesh well with mine, so it would have never worked.

I think it is important to view this from a bird's eye view as to not get attached to personal feelings as this can blind your perception and prevent you from seeing things accurately.

 

Edited August 30, 2023 by The Redeemer

[r0ckyreed]

Going to the gym has helped me realize that while we did have great memories and times together, she is not my ideal partner. She is not existentially nor psychologically grounded. My thing now is learning how to find a partner who has a love for philosophy and psychology.

[meta_male]

On 29.8.2023 at 10:12 PM, r0ckyreed said:

Not sure if I understand. What is the adult response move here in this situation?

If you want to get rid of the things just throw them in the trash. Do it for yourself, she doesn't need to be involved in this.

[Princess Arabia]

On 8/30/2023 at 3:27 AM, The Redeemer said:

Doesn't sound like you did anything particularly wrong per se. Some women really want to have kids, so it could have been a major deal breaker for her. Or she just seemed like you weren't going to be a good fit for her and was trying to let you down easy.

Really it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with being in love with someone. Just try to see things objectively and zoom out and honestly ask yourself if you guys would have been a good fit long-term.

I recently got over my ex. I still have mixed feelings for her, but if I honestly assess the situation, I realize that she is quite immature and has values that don't mesh well with mine, so it would have never worked.

I think it is important to view this from a bird's eye view as to not get attached to personal feelings as this can blind your perception and prevent you from seeing things accurately.

 

You have multiple personalities. After reading your response, I looked at who wrote it and my eyes popped open when I saw your name. This is clearly a different side of you than the usual ranting and complaining and constant negativity. I see this a lot on here too but not as obvious as with you. Interesting.

[D2sage]

My longest breakup was 5 years. It is boring but you need to find a new spark in your life.

Go have sex with other girls and watch the feelings vanish.

She follows your stories and posts, that's good. Now travel somewhere and have the time of your life and let her like your post under her blanket at home.

Edited August 31, 2023 by D2sage