Confidence seems unattainable

[k-ahmadzadeh]

Hi guys!

I would like to kindly get your opinions regarding the methods of gaining confidence.

According to what I understand, confidence is the sensation that results from believing that you have the resources to handle a situation. In this regard, we can derive this formula: if you want to achieve X that requires the resource A, then you will only have confidence if there is A at your disposal. 

Personally, I've had no luck with the gym, dating, or socialising. I'm 25 years old, have few friends, and have never been in a relationship before. I don't have anything above average (money, looks, sense of humour, creativity) except my IQ. So, with reference to the formula mentioned above, it seems impossible for me to feel confident because I don't have valuable things at my disposal.  Actually, I want to alter something; I don't want to accept the way things are. I want to work, but honestly, I can't find any rationally tangible method to improve myself. It seems like I want to defeat an attacking tiger with a thin stick. Therefore, this picture tells me that I am destined to be a fragile organism that will soon be wiped out by evolution. I want to see a strong and justified hope, but I can't find it.

Please don't give me false hope. If you have any tangible methods, then please write

Kind regards

[flowboy]

@k-ahmadzadeh You think you need above-average humor or looks in order to have friends?

You don't.

All you need (to get laid, to have plenty of friends) is to be comfortable and accepting of your average or below-average looks, humor and whatever else you imagine to be important.

That, and from that also flows honest and vulnerable self-expression.

What you shared in this post, for example, is it something you would mention when getting to know people?

It should be.

That's how self-accepting and honest and vulnerable you'd need to be in order to be a people magnet.

Example without self-acceptance:

"By the way I have few friends and not much luck with dating" (sad voice) -> you'll get pitying looks and unsollicited advice

Example with self-acceptance:

"I haven't had a chance to make many friends here yet but I'm open to meet people.

Yeah I would also like to get more dating experience and find the right one, the girls obviously don't know what they're missing (big smile)

-> you'll get invites to hang out because you seem relatable and at the same time not sad and needy

Edited August 28, 2023 by flowboy

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YoapA4BpRU

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeztx1--I_i-Uup3kAW7okkR2uGVkJ7pv

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djA9-AIZKME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kdy3zk5Uf_0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD5BpD77-UM

[k-ahmadzadeh]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

@k-ahmadzadeh You think you need above-average humor or looks in order to have friends?

Not necessarily; I know that the dynamics of friendship are different. But for the dating, of course the man needs to be in the high level in looks or money. 

In fact, I wanted to emphasise the importance of power in human relations in a theoretical sense. There are a lot of unjustified advices like visualisation in the network, but they are actually nonsense; if the person wants to be confident, he needs to be at the forefront of the food chain. We don't live in a spiritual world.

 

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

That, and from that also flows honest and vulnerable self-expression.

That's how self-accepting and honest and vulnerable you'd need to be in order to be a people magnet.

Strongly agree. Surrendering to your destiny gives relief. 

I've accepted my fate and don't act fake. Although it decreases suffering, it doesn't solve confidence problems.  

 

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

Yeah I would also like to get more dating experience and find the right one, the girls obviously don't know what they're missing (big smile)

I am afraid that I don't have anything that a girl would miss  There are plenty of men who supply good looks and money in market. 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

3 hours ago, Sidra khan said:

Anything is possible only if you're ready to go through emotional labour for it, whether it be relationship, career, confidence, selfcontrol, ... Doesn't matter. Asking others how to get it is a lazy way, you actually know better by yourself, you simply need to take action, but you don't want to feel the emotional pain that is required to take action for gaining the confidence.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4018661/

It seems that our biology predetermine our level of confidence, so there are little things we can do. 

[Rigel]

35 minutes ago, k-ahmadzadeh said:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4018661/

It seems that our biology predetermine our level of confidence, so there are little things we can do. 

Even if that was true(which is debatable) you wouldn't know what your specific genetic potential is without doing the hard work. Everyone can improve their confidence & self-acceptance if they want to & if they are willing to do some emotional labour.

[Schizophonia]

3 hours ago, Sidra khan said:

 

Sidra Khan when she doesn't know what to answer: Posts a video of a 300 kg silverback having a stroke.

 

[thenondualtankie]

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

@k-ahmadzadeh You think you need above-average humor or looks in order to have friends?

You don't.

All you need (to get laid, to have plenty of friends) is to be comfortable and accepting of your average or below-average looks, humor and whatever else you imagine to be important.

That, and from that also flows honest and vulnerable self-expression.

What you shared in this post, for example, is it something you would mention when getting to know people?

It should be.

That's how self-accepting and honest and vulnerable you'd need to be in order to be a people magnet.

Example without self-acceptance:

"By the way I have few friends and not much luck with dating" (sad voice) -> you'll get pitying looks and unsollicited advice

Example with self-acceptance:

"I haven't had a chance to make many friends here yet but I'm open to meet people.

Yeah I would also like to get more dating experience and find the right one, the girls obviously don't know what they're missing (big smile)

-> you'll get invites to hang out because you seem relatable and at the same time not sad and needy

Lmao quality stuff

[hyruga]

Nice. You have a vivid sense of imagination. I like the way you describe your situation. One way you can do to remedy is to simply act confident. People may say this is fake but it does work to some extend. Because when you talk and move in a confident manner, people will listen more intently to you plus multiple other reasons and you naturally gain more confidence along the way. 
 

[LastThursday]

11 hours ago, k-ahmadzadeh said:

I can't find any rationally tangible method to improve myself.

Here's some ideas:

1. Competence. For example, no-one is born being able to do maths, it has to be learned and it can be hard and unintuitive. Being competent in a thing will give you confidence in that thing. Being competent takes time, effort and commitment.

2. Focus. Nobody can be confident in everything they do. Work out very specifically what you want to be confident in. Is it confident with people, or confident with your physique, or confident with your intelligence. What specifically? Focus on just a couple of things and work on those solidly.

3. Practice and repetition. Sometimes there's no substitute for just practising the same thing over and over. But it doesn't have to be all grind and hard work. There's a joy to doing the same thing over and over and watching yourself improve. Try out variations and make it into a game. You were a kid once and all you did was make everything into play and games, but that was practice in disguise.

4. Seek a mentor. This can give you a real step up in your confidence, because a mentor will have been through the some of the same problems as you're facing, and they can give you guidance and reassurance, and impart knowledge to you.

5. Find a role model. Go find someone who you admire for their confidence and then copy them. Follow them, stalk them, put yourself in their shoes, pretend you are them. With the internet, this is incredibly easy to do nowadays.

6. Immerse yourself. Set aside a fixed time period where you commit to improving your confidence in a particular area. The idea is to fully let yourself go, and just do the work. Spend every waking moment investigating, researching, practising. Go on a retreat, take a course, talk to as many people as you can, go do the thing you were always too scared to take on. You will be guaranteed to improve your confidence this way.

7. Understand your fear. A lot of confidence is about being fearless (whether that is learned or not). Examine what it is that makes you fearful in the thing you want to be confident in. Maybe you fear being ridiculed in a group situation. Maybe you fear the consequences of talking to strangers who won't like you. Maybe you have trauma triggered by certain situations. Maybe you have low self worth and low self esteem. Work it out! Get therapy. Work on yourself and your mental health and your mental state.

8. Commitment. Just decide to commit to being confident in something, and go through with it no matter what happens. Confidence is incremental, not all-or-nothing. You will fail many many times, but you will also win slowly but surely. Each win will give you a guaranteed boost.

 

[flowboy]

14 hours ago, k-ahmadzadeh said:

I am afraid that I don't have anything that a girl would miss  There are plenty of men who supply good looks and money in market. 

I'm really sorry you feel that way. You are objectifying yourself.

The same way immature guys reduce a girl to their breast size, waist line or cooking skill, while that's really not what keeps a guy satisfied in a relationship (it's personality and essence, the other things are just superficial factors that need to not be neglected), the same way you are now reducing yourself to looks and money... those are just cherries on top, you don't need them!

A relationship that works and keeps working is when you like each other for who you are. That essence that you are born with, which you don't have to work for or modify.

That's what really keeps people connected and moves them from the dating phase to the relationship phase.

Of course, all the superficial factors need to be respected in the mean time. Both of you need to take care of your own health, and looks, and you need to be working on your purpose/career (but you don't have to have it made for someone to love you!)

Haven't you met these bums of guys who have weird looks, can barely pay their own rent but they're just so happy with themselves that they get girl after girl?

What does that tell you?

Also you look good enough to get girls. Stay away from the redpill/blackpill content, it's seriously messing you up!

Fine if you believe we don't live in a spiritual world, but we don't live in a cold, calculated sexual market value world either.

 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

On 29/08/2023 at 3:35 AM, LastThursday said:

Here's some ideas:

1. Competence. For example, no-one is born being able to do maths, it has to be learned and it can be hard and unintuitive. Being competent in a thing will give you confidence in that thing. Being competent takes time, effort and commitment.

2. Focus. Nobody can be confident in everything they do. Work out very specifically what you want to be confident in. Is it confident with people, or confident with your physique, or confident with your intelligence. What specifically? Focus on just a couple of things and work on those solidly.

3. Practice and repetition. Sometimes there's no substitute for just practising the same thing over and over. But it doesn't have to be all grind and hard work. There's a joy to doing the same thing over and over and watching yourself improve. Try out variations and make it into a game. You were a kid once and all you did was make everything into play and games, but that was practice in disguise.

4. Seek a mentor. This can give you a real step up in your confidence, because a mentor will have been through the some of the same problems as you're facing, and they can give you guidance and reassurance, and impart knowledge to you.

5. Find a role model. Go find someone who you admire for their confidence and then copy them. Follow them, stalk them, put yourself in their shoes, pretend you are them. With the internet, this is incredibly easy to do nowadays.

6. Immerse yourself. Set aside a fixed time period where you commit to improving your confidence in a particular area. The idea is to fully let yourself go, and just do the work. Spend every waking moment investigating, researching, practising. Go on a retreat, take a course, talk to as many people as you can, go do the thing you were always too scared to take on. You will be guaranteed to improve your confidence this way.

7. Understand your fear. A lot of confidence is about being fearless (whether that is learned or not). Examine what it is that makes you fearful in the thing you want to be confident in. Maybe you fear being ridiculed in a group situation. Maybe you fear the consequences of talking to strangers who won't like you. Maybe you have trauma triggered by certain situations. Maybe you have low self worth and low self esteem. Work it out! Get therapy. Work on yourself and your mental health and your mental state.

8. Commitment. Just decide to commit to being confident in something, and go through with it no matter what happens. Confidence is incremental, not all-or-nothing. You will fail many many times, but you will also win slowly but surely. Each win will give you a guaranteed boost.

 

Great! These are very practical tips. 

Thanks a lot! 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

On 28/08/2023 at 10:10 PM, Rigel said:

Even if that was true(which is debatable) you wouldn't know what your specific genetic potential is without doing the hard work.

It makes sense! Maybe, I should try to achieve the limits of my genetic potential. Good point.

[k-ahmadzadeh]

On 29/08/2023 at 11:31 AM, flowboy said:

I'm really sorry you feel that way. You are objectifying yourself.

The same way immature guys reduce a girl to their breast size, waist line or cooking skill, while that's really not what keeps a guy satisfied in a relationship (it's personality and essence, the other things are just superficial factors that need to not be neglected), the same way you are now reducing yourself to looks and money... those are just cherries on top, you don't need them!

A relationship that works and keeps working is when you like each other for who you are. That essence that you are born with, which you don't have to work for or modify.

That's what really keeps people connected and moves them from the dating phase to the relationship phase.

Of course, all the superficial factors need to be respected in the mean time. Both of you need to take care of your own health, and looks, and you need to be working on your purpose/career (but you don't have to have it made for someone to love you!)

Thank you for your attention, sir!

If you ask me, I wouldn't separate the physical appearance of a person from its whole identity. If I love a lady, it is partly due to her appearance. I think that most relationships work this way. Of course, quality relationships can't be built without compatibility in their personalities. But, in my opinion, the threshold through which the dating phase ends and a quality relationship starts can't be passed without meeting the necessary criteria like money, looks, and so on. 

On 29/08/2023 at 11:31 AM, flowboy said:

Haven't you met these bums of guys who have weird looks, can barely pay their own rent but they're just so happy with themselves that they get girl after girl?

What does that tell you?

I haven't ever seen a weird-looking, low-status guy in a relationship with a type of girl that I would find attractive. Maybe there are, but I've always seen the opposite. In every social media post, movie, advertisement, and epic story, as well as in social norms, it is subtly bombarded that the only way to a girl's heart is either to be handsome or rich. 

I'm not complaining about that; I'm just describing the picture. It is how nature works. 

[Leo Gura]

Confidence simply comes from massive experience.

You can develop confidence in all those areas by gaining a lot of experience working on them.

Move to a big city, talk to 5000 girls, and you will have confidence in dating.

Go to the gym every day for 5 years and you will have confidence in the gym.

Etc.

You can consistently work on these areas to develop mastery. Daily, consistent practice is the key.

Edited August 30, 2023 by Leo Gura

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, k-ahmadzadeh said:

I haven't ever seen a weird-looking, low-status guy in a relationship with a type of girl that I would find attractive. Maybe there are, but I've always seen the opposite. In every social media post, movie, advertisement, and epic story, as well as in social norms, it is subtly bombarded that the only way to a girl's heart is either to be handsome or rich. 

I'm not complaining about that; I'm just describing the picture. It is how nature works. 
 

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

After this post I quit, because I am arguing for your happiness and sanity and you are arguing against it. Should it not be the reverse?!

I’d like to point out that your examples are from media and culture, manifactured, ideas deliberately propagated with a marketing agenda, and my experience is from real life, things I’ve seen with my own eyes. 
Get off media if you want to be happy and successful in dating and socially, it’s doing you no good and brainwashing you with these untruths that resonate with your internalised sense of unworthiness.

And this internalised sense of unworthiness is thanks to childhood trauma by the way, you can raise your self esteem a lot by healing some of that.

[99alvarosanchez]

@flowboy how to go about healing that type of childhood trauma?

[Jacob Morres]

@Leo Gura

One more just cuz I'm a stickler lmao

Id say its daily, consistent, conscious* practice ?

[StarStruck]

First get a deep understanding what confidence is before trying to get it because if you don't fully understand what it is, you will never get it.

[Princess Arabia]

14 hours ago, flowboy said:

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

After this post I quit, because I am arguing for your happiness and sanity and you are arguing against it. Should it not be the reverse?!

I’d like to point out that your examples are from media and culture, manifactured, ideas deliberately propagated with a marketing agenda, and my experience is from real life, things I’ve seen with my own eyes. 
Get off media if you want to be happy and successful in dating and socially, it’s doing you no good and brainwashing you with these untruths that resonate with your internalised sense of unworthiness.

And this internalised sense of unworthiness is thanks to childhood trauma by the way, you can raise your self esteem a lot by healing some of that.

Frustrating isn't it, and you give quality advice too.