Currently have a 9 year old - torn over whether to have a second baby?

[Seed]

So, the title says it all.... I am in deep conflict about it.

I am 34, almost 35 years old. Whilst I dont have a deep yearning for another child - I am aware of the ticking clock and feel that if I dont have one now, then I wont have one ever. Mentally if I am one and done, I need to know that so I can focus on what we have, our future, and the benefits of being a family of three. I also have a garage full of baby stuff that I need sort out / sell! ?

A little about our family. We have a beautiful, funny, smart free spirited, kind, empathic but challenging 9 year old daughter. Challenging in terms of her being highly sensitive and emotional. She is multi layered, strong willed and passionate. Parenting her often feels like parenting 3 or 4 children!

We feel complete and we love her to bits. Myself and my partner also run two businesses and I am in my final year of a pyschotherapy degree so will soon be setting up private practise.

We don't have a ton of money but we could make the spaces and make cut backs in order to cater and provide for another. It would mean living more carefully, and not having the freedom we have been blessed with until now when it comes to travel and weekend trips / clubs / classes etc for our daughter. So, practically, it wouldnt be a breeze, the house is pretty compact but we could make it work...

However, I am also worried about the age gap of 10 years + how this will effect my daughter going into her teens with a very young child around. Will another one completely mess up the dynamic and rthymn of our family? Will we have to split up on weekends and holidays, one parent taking one kid and the other taking the other one....

I also had a very traumatic birth with my daughter, I nearly lost her. This holds me back, I feel so lucky and blessed with what we have. Why roll the dice again?

I am also almost 35, so I am not young anymore. I dont know if I have the patience, energy and enthusiam I had before about another one. And I want my next child to be as wanted and as celebrated as my first.... even before conception if that makes sense.

But then there is a part of me that feels grief at the idea of not having another.... at selling all the stuff in the garage and my daughter growing up without any siblings. Is she deprived? Is it too late anyway as she is already 10 so a sibling would be more like a neice or a nephew... I also worry about her feeling like a second mummy as I want her to stay a kid. And feel like a kid.

I am worried about birth defects, autism, disabilities... and how that will just completely turn her world upside down and also my partner and i have a great relationship and presevering that matters to us too.

But if I dont - willl I regret? I am 35 - - in another tens years time - I will have an empty nest. At the moment this excites me but when the time comes will I be regret not extended my family? And not having a child to love and nurture in the same way anymore. I am very maternal but I also have passion to develop my career and travel.

Basically, I know nobody can answer these questions but myself. But if anyone resonates, has similar experiences to share, of age gaps, or having one child quite young and then having their life ahead of them. Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be very appreciated.

Thank you in advance !!!

Edited August 26, 2023 by Seed

[Bobby_2021]

Have one more child. ☺️?

Me and my brother have 10 year difference. And that works fine.

You can even offload some parenting duties to your daughter and she will love it. Plus your experience would mean that it would be far easier to raise another child. Go ahead. Best of luck. 

Edit: I don't think there is anything to regret for not having a second child. Both are totally and equally fine. I am only telling to have a second child regardless. Your daughter would love it. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by Bobby_2021

[Something Funny]

27 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

Your daughter would love it. 

27 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

You can even offload some parenting duties to your daughter and she will love it.

You don't know that. You know nothing about her daughter or about her family. You are clearly biased and don't care about whether it will actually work or not.

 

[Something Funny]

@Seed I don't think that anything of what you have listed will seriously get in a way of having a second child. The only thing I don't like is your motivation for having a second child. If my partner had that kind of mindset towards having a kid, I wouldn't want to have a kid with them.

[caspex]

I can't tell you what to do but here's my experience.

My younger sister is 11 years younger than me. I am basically her 3rd parent and love her a lot. The usual sibling quarrels is not there (mostly) because of our age gap. To be honest, I love it.

I was an only child for 11 years so I have a considerable idea at what changed when I become a brother. I became more responsible and empathetic. If I was an only child I'd have matured slower imo. Also she's so cute, just makes me happier in general.  Takes me out of my head, which I appreciate.

I much prefer this than being an only child. During the first 2 years I did feel she got a lot more attention than I did, but I didn't feel bad because I knew that is what was required for a smaller child. When she said my name for the first time I felt soo good. There was never a reason to hate her even though my hormones were running wild at the time.

Due to circumstances I had to raise her alone since I was 14 and still do (I am 19 in a month). There were a lot of difficult moments but I can tell you that the the thing I am most attached to in this world is her. I think you daughter would love a little sibling especially 'cuz she is sensitive. Personally, I was very locked emotionally and bad at expressing, my sister helped me experience a lot of love and kept me sane in times where I otherwise wouldn't have been able to.

 

[Seed]

1 minute ago, Something Funny said:

@Seed I don't think that anything of what you have listed will seriously get in a way of having a second child. The only thing I don't like is your motivation for having a second child. If my partner had that kind of mindset towards having a kid, I wouldn't want to have a kid with them.

Do you mean motivation as in fear of regret and / or depriving my daughter of a sibling? 

[Seed]

3 minutes ago, Swarnim said:

I can't tell you what to do but here's my experience.

My younger sister is 11 years younger than me. I am basically her 3rd parent and love her a lot. The usual sibling quarrels is not there (mostly) because of our age gap. To be honest, I love it.

I was an only child for 11 years so I have a considerable idea at what changed when I become a brother. I became more responsible and empathetic. If I was an only child I'd have matured slower imo. Also she's so cute, just makes me happier in general.  Takes me out of my head, which I appreciate.

I much prefer this than being an only child. During the first 2 years I did feel she got a lot more attention than I did, but I didn't feel bad because I knew that is what was required for a smaller child. When she said my name for the first time I felt soo good. There was never a reason to hate her even though my hormones were running wild at the time.

Due to circumstances I had to raise her alone since I was 14 and still do (I am 19 in a month). There were a lot of difficult moments but I can tell you that the the thing I am most attached to in this world is her. I think you daughter would love a little sibling especially 'cuz she is sensitive. Personally, I was very locked emotionally and bad at expressing, my sister helped me experience a lot of love and kept me sane in times where I otherwise wouldn't have been able to.

 

Oh wow! Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful relationshps. I have heard countless time of littles one having a powerful effect on their older brothers. Let's hope same goes for sisters.

Thanks again. I think I am just having confidence wobbles. Part of me worries I am not cut out for the task as I feel I have done so well with raising my daughter - I am scared I wont be able to do it all again.. xx 

[Seed]

@Bobby_2021 Thanks so much for shaing your experience. Are you the eldest or youngest? 

[Something Funny]

@Seed  why do you even want a second child?

You say that you don't have a deep yearning to have a kind, and that you feel complete with just the family of three, but then you are afraid that you might regret not having a child later on.

In my opinion, you shouldn't have kids unless you really want to have kids and are 100% sure of it. I don't think you should pre-emptively have a child out of a fear that you might possibly regret not having it in the future.

You also say that in 10 years your daughter will leave the nest and you will be alone, and will have no one to care for. That is also a bad motivation in my opinion.

And by the way, what will change if you have another kid now? You will just delay the same thing for 10 years, but eventually you will still end up "with an empty nest". Only you will be even older by that time. What are you going to do then, cry for your kids to make grandchildren for you?

This kind of unhealthy attachment really irks me. Kids are not there to help you escape from feeling lonely and empty.

Edited August 26, 2023 by Something Funny

[Seed]

14 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

You also say that in 10 years your daughter will leave the nest and you will be alone, and will have no one to care for. That is also a bad motivation in my opinion.

And by the way, what will change if you have another kid now? You will just delay the same thing for 10 years, but eventually you will still end up "with an empty nest". Only you will be even older by that time. What are you going to do then, cry for your kids to make grandchildren for you?

No, I totally agree. This is why I am putting so much consideration into this.

 

I am trying to work out whether I do want one, but fear is stopping me. I am naturally a caring person, but I do not NEED to care and nuture. I am excited at the prospect of my life of being mid forties and being totally free. I am in battle with both. But there is no need there.

 

And no,  my daughter absolutely doenst owe me any grandchildren. She doesnt even owe me a relationship. She is her own unique person which I have had the joy and challenge of raising. I feel 'complete' as I in am not yearning for another... however, I am open and considering whether another would be a lovely addition for the family and of course. naturally, I dont want to have any regrets in my later years.

 

I tend to be an over thinker and a worrier, and I convince myself out of my true desires through fear of fucking up. I am trying to work out what my true desires are. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by Seed

[Seed]

@Something Funny Also  - hope my response doesnt come across as defensive. I appreciate the challenges to my thinking. X 

[Something Funny]

@Seed I see, you sound fine. I don't think you will have any issue with having a second child if that's what you want.

[Bobby_2021]

1 hour ago, Seed said:

@Bobby_2021 Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Are you the eldest or youngest? 

I am the younger one. So the benefits of having an older brother was immense. He was like a third parents, but much more energetic, masculine and strong. 

For me personally, the best configuration of siblings is Elder sister and younger brother. Most girls love to take care of their younger sibling. 

I have cousins who are an only child wishing to have siblings always. It's not nice being lonely. Also such kids will have an artificial kind of maturity to them since they always deal with parents who are much older than them always. That will drain the childishness from them to some degree.

[eos_nyxia]

8 hours ago, Bobby_2021 said:

Have one more child. ☺️?

Me and my brother have 10 year difference. And that works fine.

You can even offload some parenting duties to your daughter and she will love it. Plus your experience would mean that it would be far easier to raise another child. Go ahead. Best of luck. 

Edit: I don't think there is anything to regret for not having a second child. Both are totally and equally fine. I am only telling to have a second child regardless. Your daughter would love it. 

You know, I've never actually heard anyone say anything positive about being stuck with parental duties as a child. Not anecdotally from personal experience, and not in the field of psychological studies (where they call this "parentification"). I'm sure that there is a big difference between giving a few minor responsibilities in a structured way, and expecting a 6-10+-year-old girl to feed, clothe, bathe, educate, and nurture their siblings, and stopping them from accidentally harming themselves, as well as just generally not being a bad influence.  (This was my brother's ex-wife. Add to this list: ward off the effects of alcoholic and otherwise irresponsible or extremely busy and absent caregivers.)

And traditionally, this load was only expected and dumped on female children, no? A large, usually poor traditional household with a lot of responsibilities often relied on the labour of female children otherwise they would not have been functional (for example, rural farm households). Although in general, children had adult responsibilities and were thought of as adults at much younger ages. Around my great grandparents' ages (like during the Great Depression), kids were working in factories to support their families, foraging for food or working with machinery on farms at the ages of 11-13 old, smoking and drinking like adults, and in some cases, boys were responsible enough to be thought of "the man of the house" around this age. It was a completely different era, but it seems to have had a strong effect on both my grandparents' and father's era in terms of what was thought of as acceptable childhood responsibilities. After all, the concept of "teenager" didn't exist in the early 20th century.

We also used to hardcore condition (basically indoctrinate) little girls into motherhood-as-primary-life-purpose too on top of whatever they would have been inclined to do naturally, with giving them baby dolls, societal values, etc.

Just based on my reading and observation of people's experiences, the parentification issue is a common enough reason why women choose to be childfree, either because they staunchly do not want them (the sentiment is: "I was forced to be a mother at a young age, no way I'm going to choose to do that now"). Or they would otherwise want kids, but they're completely burnt out from mothering and just generally taking emotional and physical responsibility for other people their whole lives. Too much of this wrecks people's mental health as adults.

Conversely, I've never personally met an only child who was mad about it. My mom: happy to be an only child, because she got all of the attention and the very limited resources her parents had, and had no sibling responsibilities. My husband: not technically an only child, but had a much older half-brother who was completely out of the picture, so was raised as an only child. Had no issue with it. Just off the top of my head. If kids get lonely.. don't they just make friends? At least you get to choose your own friends? There's no real guarantee that siblings will like each other and have compatible personalities, either as children or adults... 

Like my dad: has a lot of siblings. They do not all get along. Not as children and not as adults.

This concern about sibling loneliness, it seems to primarily be a parental concern, is it not? (Someone feel free to correct me with counterexamples, I am actually curious.)

 

Edited August 26, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[eos_nyxia]

@SeedI tend to be of the mind that if you are uncertain and what you have right now is GOOD, you probably just shouldn't. Appreciate what you have and either let go of those "what ifs", or perhaps time will do that naturally for you. Perhaps it is true that I have read and heard too many regret stories to be optimistic though.

If you have enough right now, and if you're going to struggle financially and emotionally with more than one, then you probably shouldn't.

If your body is going to struggle with the effects and results of birth (due to a previous traumatic birth and possibly age), and also you won't be prepared to deal with a child with developmental disabilities (let's be real, how many people actually are??), you also probably shouldn't.  (Probably an unpopular opinion though.)

If you're worried about your relationship being overwhelmed or thrown off balance, particularly if there already has been an asymmetrical division of labour and energy (like you're way more burnt out than your husband), then I personally definitely would not. It just seems like a recipe for more burnout and resentment.

With the other questions, it's hard to say for sure though, obviously.

Unfortunately, it seems like the "regret" stories are often blotted out by people who are pro-having-children because it IS still taboo enough, even though it would help prospective parents make a better-informed decision.

Personally, I'm childfree, so I am biased. I would say: always pick self-actualization through yourself and the people who are here (as opposed to someone else who isn't even born yet) and living your life over motherhood, especially if you're on-the-fence. There is always the option to nurture non-biological children, animals, etc.... There is SO MUCH that the world as it is already needs. (But in your case, you don't have to choose, you are already blessed with a "good" experience of motherhood.)

Edited August 26, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[eos_nyxia]

@Swarnim  It's pretty interesting to read about your positive experience of being an older brother. I know it's probably not uncommon at all, but it wasn't my experience, nor was it the experience of anyone that I was close with. The person who I knew who tried the hardest to be a positive influence in his younger sisters' lives, he was deeply conflicted about it. Himself, his whole family (emotionally and physically absent or unreliable father), etc. Probably just a "him thing" too.

[Ajax]

Don't do it! Just don't... lol 

Edited August 26, 2023 by Ajax

[Bobby_2021]

Bringing a child into the world is the most complex thing. You will only run in circles if you "think" about it. If you can give your child some basic life privileges, lifestyle and comfort, I say go for it.

I don't know where any of you people are from although my initial judgement is that you are from the west from what you are saying. I don't have experience with the societal structure and I cannot think for you. It's not that I don't know about any of these. I just can't give opinions unless I know the specifics. 

1. Children has to grow up with a strong bond. Incompatibility issues are non sense. No one will stay by you like your brother/sister despite compatibility issues. You have to build trust with your siblings. That has immense value but it takes work to develop it. You need to base your bond on principles and hold it strong.

2. Social circle is ephemeral. That will not give you anything long lasting. Only family is what lasts. That too if you put some work to make it last.

3. I am not saying to offload entire parental responsibilities to second child. But they could take up 10% of the duties and that means a lot. Having other people to take care of forces you to mature fast. But that won't have to rob you off your child like wonder of life.

I myself have to take care of my younger cousins and I love to invest in them and watch them grow. I don't take any grudge in having such responsibilities. Maybe it's a cultural thing where we take such responsibilities because we don't have much choice anyway.

At the end of the day, it's only my opinion. It's your call.

I totally get why people say to not have children. But there are also reasons to have children, if you are being strategic enough. 

[Bobby_2021]

And please don't bring this oppressed female narrative into this. People and society together are doing what they need to survive. The female child may not go to school, but the male child may have to clean sewers full of human excrement in order to make a living, if you are talking about some old traditional patriarchal ways of living. Life is so harsh that most of you won't survive a month in such situations so keep your opinions of such people to yourself.

Modern life is heaven compared to this and you need to make a couple of strategic decisions to have just another child, if you truly want them. If you adore comfort too much, then don't bother.

[Phil King]

Many peoples biggest regret in life is that they didnt have more children. Take that as you will