Negative self-concept and beliefs shattered through hookup experience

[Ulyssees]

Preface: I'm fairly new to Actualized and only discovered Leo's YouTube channel and in late 2021. I had no idea about the term or that the concept of self actualization even existed and viewed it through a basic lense of self improvement. It did not take me long dive deep into the rest of his content and due to a combining factor of covid, homelessness and being overworked, I found it at a strange time of having a mental collapse of sorts. Prior to this, to say my previous concepts of self improvement was on the downward of the spiral would be an understatement. I was heavily into hardcore redpill and blackpill incel content for too many years and thats where this is going. My self concept was in the pits for so long, self esteem non existent(Thanks for recommending the Six Pillars of Self Esteem btw), etc. Ive never had a girlfriend or a relationship of any sort save for two drunken flings and random periods of sexting women I'd meet on and off through dating apps over the years. My outlook towards women was extremely poor, as was the way I viewed myself ironically. Its only been through the recent two years of doing some healing and deconstructing work Ive been able to see them and myself through a healthier lense. Moving forward with this post I will omit personal information the best I can.

 

A month ago I was invited out by a friend who is a stereotypical 'chad' in every sense of the word. He effortlessly pulls women toward himself with that bad boy charm and game, but also general drama too. I haven't been out since 2019 for a lot of reasons. Covid and wage slavery being two big ones. Its funny because I nearly wasn't going to go and was trying to convince myself to stay home with thoughts of "What if we run into trouble? It will just be like any other boring night of drinking" but my urge to drink was too strong so I rolled with it and met him out at the local watering hole. People were having a party of sorts when we arrived in the outdoor area and my friend knew some people of that said party so we started socializing with them. I'm mainly introverted and dont really engage in conversation unless somebody starts talking with me first. The night continued on, my friend argued with another patron and somehow I found myself talking to a woman from the social group that was out partying. 

I had no intention on picking anyone up that night and I just casually talked with her, asked her questions to improve my own lack of social skills(its rare I talk to women in person at all), etc. She seemed to enjoy the conversation because she asked if I was going to the bigger club  downtown later, I said I might and she said I should and through some modicum of  drunken self awareness it clicked in my mind that she was into me, so I obliged that thought and we made our way to the club. 

She arrived a little later than me and we met up and resumed our conversation in a quieter area, again I kept it casual and slowed my drinking right down. I forget word for word what was exchanged but I do remember her sharing personal info that I did not judge her for and kept the conversation moving by asking her questions and having a genuine interest in her and the scenario I found myself in from a meta-perspective. I asked her why she liked me more than my friend and she said that he is hot but I was different. Different how? I didnt even ask, but looking back at what she told me I got the idea that she probably was never asked much about herself or treated well by other men. The night moved quickly and we were all over each other by the end we made our way back to my place. I'll spare you all the rest of the details regarding that.

The following days and even up to now have been a mental unravelling of sorts. Prior beliefs about myself and the shit I had been following for years blindly were questioned thoroughly. I have not consumed or looked at redpill/blackpill content like I use to since covid started and especially after discovering the rabbithole of Actualized.org, but sometimes intrusive thoughts(mainly negative body image stuff) does linger.

 

This journaling of these events may not mean much to anyone reading but it was very transformative for me and maybe somebody will get something out of it. Like I said before I was amazed for days later, it really is a bizarre feeling having previously held belief systems contradicted before your very eyes. And this has not been the only belief systems that I have done it with. Have I been an outgoing casanova since this has happened? No, but I have a way more healthier view and better understanding of myself and interacting with women in general. I cannot state enough that I really really did buy into the red and blackpill horse shit that I was not good enough for any woman for so many years. I have a lot more healing and work to do on myself moving forward, thanks if you read the whole thing, hope it did not drag on too long.

[Leo Gura]

Yup, that's the power of going out.

Good work.

Red pill and black pill are cancer.

Edited August 23, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Spiritedness]

Thanks a lot for the perspective because I myself have been indulging in redpill content a lot lately. Also, I wanna ask, what did you refer to when you mentioned the 'healing' and 'deconstructing' that you did (and are going to do)?

[integral]

Great Testimony! 

[Scholar]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Yup, that's the power of going out.

Good work.

Red pill and black pill are cancer.

Love pill is and always has been the answer.

[StarStruck]

Last week I had a crazy weird success story also but I still have some cognitive dissonance and my brain doesn’t want to register the success and forget about it for some reason. 

[StarStruck]

31 minutes ago, Sidra khan said:

Same here, we have to be deliberate to remember the successful and positive sides of our lives. 

Aren’t you female though?

[StarStruck]

31 minutes ago, Sidra khan said:

"my brain doesn’t want to register the success and forget about it for some reason. " 

I answered this.

Repetition is key. It is a matter of thinking habit. 

[Ulyssees]

On 8/24/2023 at 4:55 AM, Spiritedness said:

 Also, I wanna ask, what did you refer to when you mentioned the 'healing' and 'deconstructing' that you did (and are going to do)?

Man I don't even know where to begin with that but I will give you an example from earlier today. I was in a foul mood and decided to drive to the park and sit by the waves and clear my mind, when I arrived I saw a couple minding their own business and my mind negatively started to dwell on that. Had I been 10 years stupider It would have ruined the rest of my day completely with blackpill/incel thoughts but I was able to ground myself and get rid of those emotions. I consider that to be a sign of healing from those toxic beliefs. 

As for the deconstruction man its been a wild ride and long story short, I wasted so many years and opportunities on stupid conspiracy theories, ideological beliefs and religion. I cant even describe how the deconstruction happened, everything just slowly started to 'click' about the bullshit hole I dug myself in. Seeing the reactions to covid was the start of the questioning about the validity of things I previous believed, Leos videos on Conspiracy theories and the Self Deception series was the final push. 

Everybody hates covid but I see it as a blessing in disguise. It may be a stretch to say, but I believe I'd have never found this place if covid never happened, and I would have remained with the wool pulled over my eyes in the shit heap trench that I have been digging for myself all these years.

Edited August 25, 2023 by Ulyssees