Need Advice

[LoneWonderer]

So I am going to describe a problem that has been plaging me most of my life and I'm just looking for any insight into the situation. 

So I have a lot of problems connecting with other people. I really dislike conversations with others, and always try to avoid long conversations with people as I get bored really quickly. I never really liked talking with strangers but the more I avoid having conversations with people the worse my capacities to interact with others become and every year it becomes worse.

Truly I've always disliked having conversations with others and get bored very quickly. However I do have a few friends and I can talk and listen to them for hours on end or even podcasts and YouTube videos I spend hours engaged in conversations online beetween two people talking about a topic, but the second it comes to anyone outside of my small circle and in the real world I can't stand it. 

The result is that I'm extremely disconnected from people day to day and have trouble communicating. At the same time I really don't want to talk with people but feel lonely and disconnected so it's like I'm stuck. I'm not loving and caring with others and interactions with strangers are robotic and monotonous. I experience day to day interactions with others as mechanical towards an end goal rather than feeling connected. Any thoughts? Anyone else stuck in a similar situation.

Thank you

[LoneWonderer]

I also forgot to mention that interactions with others have also always been exhausting for me. Since they never came naturally even short conversitions tire me out.

[k-ahmadzadeh]

Hi! 

Your case is very similar to mine, with the exception that I am very social with my family and close relatives. I am afraid that I don't have any significant solutions for your case. But we know that the fundamental mechanism that drives humans to do something is motivation—the expectation of joy or pleasure. Maybe by contemplating a lot, you can find something joyful in socializing.

Additionally, sometimes motivation arises after initial attempts rather than in the pre-attempt period. You might think about that.

Kind regards

[LoneWonderer]

@k-ahmadzadeh Thank you for your reply. 0% joy and pleasure for me interacting with others unfortunately. I do enjoy having deep conversations with my few friends though.

Edited August 21, 2023 by LoneWonderer

[k-ahmadzadeh]

4 minutes ago, LoneWonderer said:

@k-ahmadzadeh Thank you for your reply. 0% joy and pleasure for me interacting with others unfortunately. I do enjoy having deep conversations with my few friends though.

The thing is that If you have any goal that requires socializing in certain degree, maybe you can focus towards that goal, so that you will have strong willpower to force yourself for socializing.

Nevertheless, everyone's psychology is different. This advice might not work for you.

[LoneWonderer]

@k-ahmadzadeh I've done a 3 month volunteering last year where I had to co-live with 4 random people in a small house. I did that to try to break the bad cycle. I managed fine and became used to it. For the past 2 years I'd also been living with roommates and conversation was not a problem. This summer I've been living and working with an old couple from Norway for 2 months and also had no problem. I did all these this on purpose to target the problem.

If I force myself I have no problems but still it doesn't feel natural, tires me out and my want to interact with people is still non existent. I've tried to make it better but it doesn't seem to change the fact that, I can do it, but hate it.

[Buck Edwards]

Maybe you're an intense introvert like me. I generally avoid people as much as I can Because I find it draining.

Yet intimate conversations don't tire me. 

The only solution is to embrace your nature. You can limit outside socializing. I've noticed that it not only drains me but is a huge waste of my personal resources, not wise to invest my time in it anyway. 

. Maybe you feel you're missing out on something but it's not real. Just social conditioning. Most people are drama and stress. Little gain, too much waste. 

Try expanding your circle gradually with 1 extra person per 3-6 months. Introverts sadly cannot handle a lot of people. You gotta do what's best for you. And going for something that's out of character for you is not a good long term strategy. You aren't cocooning yourself, trust me. There's enough social media already. We consume a mountain, we actually implement a molehill. 

You're good as you are. Just try exploring slightly a bit more than your typical niche zone but take it slow. 

And you're not wrong in feeling drained. It's exhausting even for out and out extroverts and like I said before not wise. 

 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

4 minutes ago, LoneWonderer said:

@k-ahmadzadeh I've done a 3 month volunteering last year where I had to co-live with 4 random people in a small house. I did that to try to break the bad cycle. I managed fine and became used to it. For the past 2 years I'd also been living with roommates and conversation was not a problem. This summer I've been living and working with an old couple from Norway for 2 months and also had no problem. I did all these this on purpose to target the problem.

If I force myself I have no problems but still it doesn't feel natural, tires me out and my want to interact with people is still non existent. I've tried to make it better but it doesn't seem to change the fact that, I can do it, but hate it.

Then, maybe you should find any other thing that would decrease your sense of loneliness by engaging with it. 

And, maybe you should live with loneliness. You may view its pain as a chronic physical pain that will last for your entire life period, so maybe you can mindfully detach yourself from it. 

 

[LoneWonderer]

@k-ahmadzadeh @Buck Edwards Thank you both for your kind words and advice ?

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zpe-azhEZk