Please share your insights. I feel stuck in a victimhood

[k-ahmadzadeh]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share my problematic mental condition with you in order to get the opportunity to see my life problems from various perspectives. I've been hanging around this forum for a while now, and I've seen a lot of bright minds here, including Leo, who can share their insights regarding issues of personal development. Although I am an atheist and can't believe in mystical phenomena, I see that this forum is the best one in the whole network, so I am open to any advice from you. Thanks in advance for any insights!

To put it in general, my problem is that I feel extremely powerless and devoid of any important recourses to succeed in life, so I feel resentment and hatred in extreme degrees that make me paralysed and unproductive. I hate the underlying mechanisms of the world, how it works, and how everything is dependent on 'power'. And I don't know the exact solution to this problem. I do journaling on 'how life works and there is nothing I can do about it except accept it." For months, I have been trying to practise acceptance of unfairness and things that aren't in my control with stoic thinking and stoic meditation. But it just gives a little bit of relief that allows me to be in the now and to work, but at the end of the day, the same feelings arise again. I am aware that if I were a powerful man, I wouldn't feel this way. Today, it seems to me that I don't have any resources to improve myself. It is a sense of hopelessness over which I have no control. And it is not just a sense; it is the rational conclusion I've achieved through strategic assessment of my resources. I want to improve myself but can't believe in the possibility of success in various spheres of my life.

I come from an upper middle-class family in Azerbaijan, and for me, my past seems full of misery, suffering, depression, and failure. I've failed a lot in my career, dating, social confidence, and gym. I've tried to become an engineer but hated it and failed at it. I've tried to study business to achieve managerial jobs, but I didn't like and pursue it.

I've tried dating, but I've been rejected a lot. I've never been in a relationship. My height is 170 cm, and I discovered that in this competitive dating market full of tall and handsome men, I don't have a place. I used to go to bars, but seeing athletic men was discouraging me to approach girls, and I would end up returning home without trying. Nowadays, I buy sex by booking escorts, but of course it just relieves lust, not a craving for companionship with a cute girlfriend... I've also tried to get in shape in the hope of improving my attractiveness for 9 months, but I couldn't gain muscle. These two big failures make me very depressed and bitter about my life.

Today I managed to work as a PhD candidate in political science in a European country. This would be the only success of my life because I got the opportunity to engage with science and study the power in interstate relations and make a little money from it (you see, I am obsessed with power).

But, overall, I feel like I am a disabled person who is not suitable for this world. I can't find any inner resources within myself to be a more powerful person. I see Leo is talking about self-development, hard work, positive staff, etc. But it seems that this staff is only for people who have inner resources. I believe that I've lost the genetic lottery, and there is nothing significant that I can do about it.

Today, I am trying to keep myself stoic and strategically pessimistic (as Schopenhauer did), but it doesn't work well. I don't have any motivational vision. I see my future as full of challenges with which I don't have the ability to deal. 

 

I know I wrote a lot, but thanks for your patience. If you have any insights or suggestions, please share them with me, @Leo Gura

Kind regards

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52yS4wS4kHE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqtt6rhrNEs

 

[Princess Arabia]

In response to the dating aspect. Stop trying to build muscles to attract women. Women who are dating you just for your muscles are superficial and vain. Do it if that's what YOU like for yourself. Not all women care about that stuff. Tall dark and handsome is a myth. Guys tend to think most women go for looks and the physical because that's what they look for initially. Women are different in that aspect. Guys are more visual, women more emotional, and I don't mean emotional basket case, even though some are, just how you make them feel is more relevant to us.

Confidence, masculine, a sense of humor, respectful, charismatic, playful, adventurous, and attentive to her - build on these traits. Forget the outer appearance as far as height, muscles and whatever else. As long as you're clean, smelling good (even if it's your natural smell), simply dressed (nothing over the top like you're in a masquerade ball or trying too hard to impress with all kinds of jewelry and polka dots and stripes, you get the drift).

Walk with confidence. Approach with confidence, know that she'll be missing out if she rejects. Ask her to dinner or suggest a walk in the park with her. Hold her hand if she lets you. Don't stare at other women when you're with her. Make her feel special. The reason players gets the girls is because of how they feel about themselves. Not because they are so great, but they feel like they are, so they exude that. They feel confident even if they are a piece of shit. Doesn't matter in the beginning. They only try to get in a woman's pants quickly because they know they can't sustain a loving, respectful and long-lasting relationship because they have no grounding for that.

But most importantly, see yourself with her. Imagine it. Put it in your mind. Visualize it. Make space energetically for it. Stop thinking negatively about women and open your heart to love. Not saying you have to love her when you first meet her or ever, but just open your heart to the possibility of finding a partner for whatever reason you want a partner for. Act as if you already have it. Know that you are worthy and feel as if you are already in a relationship or have someone in your life. Become what you want to attract. 

I'm not in a relationship at the moment but I remember when I was ready, it came in no time. I wasn't really ready emotionally because I had hang-ups about myself and men but it happened. The very same thing I feared, happened. It happened because I feared it, so I attracted it. But every other trait I visualized my partner to have he had it. Everything else he was, but the one thing I have a problem with I created it. I realize that now, and I'm working on it. It isn't easy, but I'm aware of it. Also, as you go higher up on the Spiritual scale and become more conscious, people get deselected out of your life without your doing. It's vibrational, that also played a part. 

Stop saying thing are failures, but opportunities to get better. As far as your other challenges, someone else would probably be more suited to answer those because I'm not in the career field. But I can tell you that it's not about the outside world and the mind can mislead you if you identify with it. It wants to keep you safe and the brain is still primitive and is only serving your survival agenda. It's very slow to evolve, so use your intuition and follow your heart not the mind, only use the conscious mind to make conscious decisions and to reason intellectually and logically. 

Edited August 21, 2023 by Princess Arabia

[k-ahmadzadeh]

4 hours ago, Sidra khan said:

Taking career advices from others has never worked for me so I'd suggest to find out yourself through contemplation.

And take action.

 

Thank you so much! I agree with you. My current career is the most suitable one for me; I have a passion for political science. So I am continuing to work on it.

 

1 hour ago, Raze said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52yS4wS4kHE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqtt6rhrNEs

 

Thank you for sharing! Regarding the first video, I think that I don't have the willpower and strong psychology to make myself responsible for everything. Actually, his suggestions don't seem realistic. The question is: how is it feasible to maintain the same level of intense dedication in all areas of life as one does when striving for expertise in their career, considering the significant demands of becoming an expert and the subsequent limitations on time and energy?

Regarding the second video, E. Tolle brilliantly analysed the mechanism but didn't express any tangible solution. 'Letting go of victim identity' seems like empty advice. 

 

1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

In response to the dating aspect. Stop trying to build muscles to attract women. Women who are dating you just for your muscles are superficial and vain. Do it if that's what YOU like for yourself. Not all women care about that stuff. Tall dark and handsome is a myth. Guys tend to think most women go for looks and the physical because that's what they look for initially. Women are different in that aspect. Guys are more visual, women more emotional, and I don't mean emotional basket case, even though some are, just how you make them feel is more relevant to us.

Confidence, masculine, a sense of humor, respectful, charismatic, playful, adventurous, and attentive to her - build on these traits. Forget the outer appearance as far as height, muscles and whatever else. As long as you're clean, smelling good (even if it's your natural smell), simply dressed (nothing over the top like you're in a masquerade ball or trying too hard to impress with all kinds of jewelry and polka dots and stripes, you get the drift).

Walk with confidence. Approach with confidence, know that she'll be missing out if she rejects. Ask her to dinner or suggest a walk in the park with her. Hold her hand if she lets you. Don't stare at other women when you're with her. Make her feel special. The reason players gets the girls is because of how they feel about themselves. Not because they are so great, but they feel like they are, so they exude that. They feel confident even if they are a piece of shit. Doesn't matter in the beginning. They only try to get in a woman's pants quickly because they know they can't sustain a loving, respectful and long-lasting relationship because they have no grounding for that.

But most importantly, see yourself with her. Imagine it. Put it in your mind. Visualize it. Make space energetically for it. Stop thinking negatively about women and open your heart to love. Not saying you have to love her when you first meet her or ever, but just open your heart to the possibility of finding a partner for whatever reason you want a partner for. Act as if you already have it. Know that you are worthy and feel as if you are already in a relationship or have someone in your life. Become what you want to attract. 

I'm not in a relationship at the moment but I remember when I was ready, it came in no time. I wasn't really ready emotionally because I had hang-ups about myself and men but it happened. The very same thing I feared, happened. It happened because I feared it, so I attracted it. But every other trait I visualized my partner to have he had it. Everything else he was, but the one thing I have a problem with I created it. I realize that now, and I'm working on it. It isn't easy, but I'm aware of it. Also, as you go higher up on the Spiritual scale and become more conscious, people get deselected out of your life without your doing. It's vibrational, that also played a part. 

Stop saying thing are failures, but opportunities to get better. As far as your other challenges, someone else would probably be more suited to answer those because I'm not in the career field. But I can tell you that it's not about the outside world and the mind can mislead you if you identify with it. It wants to keep you safe and the brain is still primitive and is only serving your survival agenda. It's very slow to evolve, so use your intuition and follow your heart not the mind, only use the conscious mind to make conscious decisions and to reason intellectually and logically. 

Thank you so much for your detailed response. I really appreciate it.

I am afraid that I would have a different opinion regarding the possibility of building 'confidence, masculinity, a sense of humour, charisma, playfulness, and adventure.' Actually, I don't believe that these traits can be built. Mostly, men aren't transformed into being masculine, but they are born with this trait. I've tried to use affirmations, and fake it till you make it' tips, but I've failed. I discovered that personality traits can't be changed significantly, at least for me. In popular dating advice, everyone says you should develop masculinity and confidence, but how can you be confident without good looks, a muscular body, or significant wealth? Visualisations are nothing but illusions of the mind. How can I base my confidence on mental images? For example, if you are the head of a state, how can you be confident against aggressor states without enough military capability to back your country? In this case, you can't say, We shall destroy you, to your enemy because you lack the necessary resources to do that. Romantic attraction wouldn't be different. If you don't have any valuable resources, inevitably you will be unconfident or insecure (I am not shy or 'a nice guy' type of person at all, and I am partly assertive but also very insecure). So, how can I feel confident If I see girls mostly with handsome or rich men. In every media post, every movie, every advertisement, and every epic story, as well as social norms, it is bombarded that the only way to a girl's heart is either to be handsome or rich. So, how would you expect me to transform into a confident man?  

Let me tell you that, actually, I've already given up on dating long ago because I couldn't find any tangible solution. Therefore, I want to be a person who doesn't care about being single.

Thank you for your response again! I am here just to get a lot of perspectives on whether I have made a mistake at certain points.

[Princess Arabia]

3 hours ago, k-ahmadzadeh said:

Visualisations are nothing but illusions of the mind. How can I base my confidence on mental images?

We live in a mental Universe. Every creation starts with the mind. A thought. You are thinking with your logical mind. The Universe is illogical. You are looking at TV and commercials and social media and comparing yourself to that. Now that is the delusion. It is also possible to build confidence. You have to focus on what it is that you want and not the reasons why you can't attain it. 

Listen to the way you speak, you are creating that. You are sending that out to the Universe and it is responding to you. Everyone that come on the forum, or I should say some, and ask for advice on certain things, no matter what someone says, they always respond back with their own excuses why they can't or why it won't work. 

This is not about faking it till you make it but aligning yourself to your desires. The common thing I see with people is that they would rather defend their limitations instead of trying to learn how to empower themselves. Exactly what your topic says - victimhood. I was also a victim for years and I'm just starting to get over it a few years now and I've seen the difference. I don't look at what is going on around me, I change myself to try to align with what I stand for, what I want, how I feel and the outside world has adapted to that. I know I can't change the way you feel but all I'm attempting to do is showing you how you are sabotaging yourself with what you say about yourself. This is not woo woo stuff, it's how Reality works. Sex doesn't sell anymore, fear does, and it will cripple you. Anyway, all the best to you and I've come to the realization that people are where they are at and they have to see for themselves how they are creating their world, and unless you have a degree or wear a suit and tie or look like a Zen master, no one listens. I listened, I listened to the ordinary guy, the smart, ordinary guy and I've become more wise because I let go. I let go of what I used to believe and started to listen to my heart. I still have a ways to go, but my mental state is so much different now. I fall into traps all the time but I'm more aware of them and I go meta to get myself out. I don't worry about what I see on the outside, I concentrate on how I'm feeling. Am I anxious, worried, fearful these are traps. Just let go of yourself and know there is a higher power at work. Don't resist it and allow. The Universe is on your side but if you keeping believing you're powerless and a victim, you will not overcome your weaknesses. 

[Ulax]

@k-ahmadzadeh I think some inner work could help. Here are some suggestions from me:

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Meditation would probs be helpful i think.

I'd experiment with the following 4 categories of meditation techniques:

1. Single pointed concentration meditation (I.e. See the book 'The mind illuminated')

2. Mindfulness meditation (I.e. Shinzen Young's see-hear-feel system, Mahasi noting, body scans)

3. Surrender/ letting go meditations (See the sidebar on the r/nondirective subreddit)

4. Loving-kindness meditations (I.e. metta)

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Also, if you want to work with your unconscious dynamics via psychotherapy, I'd consider working with an IFS or Gestalt therapist. 

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Plus can also do some body work, i.e. acupuncture, yin yoga, cranialsacral therapy, to really release chronic body tensions, and with that you release traumas. 

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You can buy some cheap ear defenders too. I think they'll help you concentrate whilst meditating.

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Believe it or not, imo, you already have a LOT going for you mate

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Edit: David Tian, on youtube, might be a useful mentor btw

Edited August 22, 2023 by Ulax

[Princess Arabia]

The heading is a bit confusing, but just watch to understand the depth. I don't just watch videos. I implement the teachings and have seen the results. This will seem woo woo to some, but that is ok too. Consciousness wakes up when it's ready and we don't recognize the power we have. You also have the choice to keep defending and believing your limitations. That's ok too. This whole channel is great and there are lots of testimonies from those who have created better lives for themselves. 

 

[jdc7733]

@k-ahmadzadeh The only improvement is to stop trying to improve yourself and just have fun. Life is not serious. I'm kind of being a hypocrite here though (I don't crave status but I crave companionship) and I am gay, so, I don't know much about dating girls, but, stop thinking about what they want and start thinking about what you want. It's not always about status, or looks, and everyone wants different things. You never know what kind of person you're gonna find. I nearly gave up because I have such specific wants that I can't even seem to describe, and, I'm not exactly a catch. I would say, most of what you're attracted to, is to show you what you thought you wanted but really what's not good for you, until you find the one that's right for you (although there's no guarantee you will find them.) Usually people are looking for people who share a mixture of shared and opposite features (although the opposite features may just be things they're suppressing, that is a part of them), so, you can estimate the kind of girl you will be attracted to or will be attracted to you. Example: I am very passive so I want someone who's more assertive, I also have dark thoughts and a lack of ability to connect with people and I want someone who relates to that. Think about what you are and what you want. 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

@Ulax Thank you for attention! 

I think that benefits of meditation is relatively small, but it is worth to try. I also intend to start taking antidepressants. We are physical beings, so we need tangible staff in order to survive and growth, rather than mental exercises. 

 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

@Princess Arabia

Dear, thank you for your care! 

But, you know, I can't compel myself to believe in idealistic and spiritual stuff. I have very materialistic and atheistic type of personality. Additionally, the forces that propel life are physical phenomena, not the mind and thoughts. I believe this is evident, at least, in the context of the macro-reality in which we live. Materialistic paradigm has far more explanatory power than idealistic/religious one. 

Kind regards

 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

On 22/08/2023 at 7:46 PM, jdc7733 said:

@k-ahmadzadeh The only improvement is to stop trying to improve yourself and just have fun. Life is not serious. 

Strongly agree! 

I think that the pressure for self-development of modern society comes from the soft power projection of United States of which unique history has generated modern capitalist spirit. In contrast to this, we may notice that Far Eastern religious traditions suggest more humble and reasonable way of living principles for people who are weak in terms of 'power': surrendering and accepting. 

 

[k-ahmadzadeh]

On 22/08/2023 at 7:46 PM, jdc7733 said:

@k-ahmadzadeh It's not always about status, or looks, and everyone wants different things. 

It seems like you're implying that a positive or confident personality can contribute to success in dating. I would partially agree with this notion. However, the question remains: How can someone develop a good personality without those elements of power (looks, money, status)? It's nearly impossible! One needs a foundation to rely upon, which in turn provides a sense of confidence and competence. This creates a LOOP, and I'm not aware of any way to break it.  

[k-ahmadzadeh]

On 22/08/2023 at 7:25 AM, Ulax said:

Edit: David Tian, on youtube, might be a useful mentor btw

I've reviewed some of his videos and articles. As far as I understand, his advices can only be useful for ones who are rich and high status. If I would have those qualities, I wouldn't need any coaches' advice  

[TheCloud]

@k-ahmadzadeh When I'm stuck in my head and my thoughts are going in unproductive circles, I find it to be universally necessary to consider my emotions and relationships, which are very easy to ignore when I'm in that state.  One of my guiding principles is that thoughts are how we live, emotions are why we keep living, and relationships are what directly or indirectly dictate our emotions.

 

Do you have troubling relationships, particularly but not exclusively with formative authority figures?  Is your resentment and hatred a transformation of a deeper emotional pain you don't want to admit?  It's difficult to admit, particularly for men, that our feelings are hurt.  It's much easier and more "masculine" to be hateful and vengeful.  You won't get where you want by dismissing your past and ignoring your deeper emotions.

[SeaMonster]

On 8/21/2023 at 7:35 AM, k-ahmadzadeh said:

To put it in general, my problem is that I feel extremely powerless and devoid of any important recourses to succeed in life, so I feel resentment and hatred in extreme degrees that make me paralysed and unproductive.

I don't understand what that means ("devoid of any important resources.")

The one important resource you have is intelligence.  You can use that to educate yourself on how to achieve your goals, both professionally and socially/romantically.  You can use it to learn how to make positive changes in your life that will improve your self-confidence and self-esteem and allow you to tap into your personal power.

The one thing you have to understand is that if you're unhappy, that's a signal to you that you need to change your ways, from the littlest details in your daily routine to your overall big picture attitude.