Transsexual hybrid brain?

[steinberg]

Hi.

I am a guy that studies clinical psychology in Europe. I have been doing psychedelic therapy, and I have stumbled upon something that I have a really hard time integrating.

Around 9 years ago in the start of my twenties, I started going to a psychologist. My life was not going well. I had been abusing different substances because of depression over a period of some years. This therapist helped me a lot. I had been blaming myself for all of the problems happening in my family. I suddenly got the insight that I wasn’t as bad of a character that I though I was and learned to live by my most fundamental values. I learned a lot of psychological principles that worked.

The therapist suggested I started meditating. I was hesitant at first. A friend of mine had also started meditating at the same time and was recommending it to me. At this time I also started watching Leo’s YouTube videos where he talked about meditation. In the end I bought into the idea and startet meditating every day for 20 minutes. My life was suddenly going were well. It was like I was slingshotted like a satellite entering the orbit of another planet. I had my meditation practice going for some time.

I stopped meditating for some time and life was not as frictionless as it used to when I was having a daily practice. I read another self-help book that was talking about meditation and I had this eureka moment where I recognized how huge deal meditation was in helping me self-actualizing. I started my practice back up and boosted it to 1hr+ a day. I had an insane flow state. I have undiagnosed ADHD and one of my advantages is that I have the ability to hyper focus. This combined with meditation practice made it possible for me to get a razor thin concentration. I aced every subject I had in school with A grades, and was going to study at one of the most prestigious educational programs (engineering combined with economics) in my country. This was until I meditated while simultaneously smoking cannabis in the Christmas vacation. I got this really uncomfortable feeling in my body before I got a vision in my head where I tried to talk to my parents as a child. Boom and is was like somebody cut with a knife over my third eye. I felt a electric shock in my body and fell of my meditation stool.

From this day on I had daily persistent tension headaches. My life was hell. My concentration was at negative infinity. I regressed to a point below where I was at before I started my soul-searching journey. I was depressed and though about suicide everyday over a course of several years. I made a pact with my-self that I was going to figure out this whole headache situation to the point where I was willing to bet my whole life for this purpose.

First thing was that I read about Alexander Lowen´s bioenergecits and psychosomatics. I went all in and travelled to another country and met with a professional practicioneer in this field. For a year I worked with her in another country. It didn’t work out well in the start, so I suggested introducing psychedelics into the mix. 1.5 hours x 2 every week. 1 session with psychedelics and 1 session without. The psychedelic opened me up and I was starting to work my trauma energy out. I did this for a year, but it was moving way to slow than what I thought it was going to be.

When I came home, my headache wasn’t resolved. But I had external pressure from family to start studying. I was forced to choose clinical psychology as my future profession, because I still needed to figure out the psychosomatic situation about the headache. I started the study. I tried doing psychedelics, but it did not work out as it was hard to fix it logistically with a trip sitter and location.

I had my headache on the back burner and was focusing my energy on other things. Fast forward to a couple of years ago, I started to do low doses of LSD combined with holotropic breath work. I created a protocol to keep my nerves under control during the therapy sessions with ice baths and vagus nerve stimulation weeks before every trip. I had 10 sessions in 3 months and my symptoms got way better. The headache was melting away.

What seemed to come up in several session was these girly, bubbly, pink emotions in my body while doing the therapy. I am almost 99% sure my body started producing high doses of estrogen while tripping. A trauma from my childhood appeared when I was molested by my best friend (family friend) who was 5 years older than me. He was in puberty and I was probably 7 years old. My father had some porn magazines and movies that we found and watched together. We both got really aroused to the point where he couldn’t handle his urges. He forced me to do different stuff. I liked it. I was really into it. It was just something about losing control and being forced to do something that you don’t like while simultaneously liking it at the same time. My emotions was so amped up in the situation that I disassociated. The trauma itself was not the biggest deal, but was all the shit that went on afterwards. I did a lot of externalizing and got caught by my parents and teachers at school for doing a lot of stupid shit. My first years in middle school was hell and I ended up with a lot of narcissistic traits.

I started doing heavier doses of LSD. Around 500ug with eyeshades and binaural beats. The same feelings appear. My pelvis is shaking heavily while all these emotions goes around my body. My body produces a lot of estrogen. I have read a lot on trans forums about how it feels to do estrogen and it’s exactly the same feeling I am getting. My boners are soft and hard while I get these crazy body orgasms when I masturbate. I get these fantasies in my mind about being a girl being penetrated and it feeling good. It is like all of the energy in my body becomes pink and red. I see a lot of pink hearts swirling around. I suddenly feel drawn towards makeup, shaving my legs and doing all the other self care stuff girls usually do. I can watch a porn movie and feel jealous of the girl being fucked.

This is really confusing. Because when I work out a lot and eat clean (which results in higher testosterone levels), I feel manly and the thought of being a girl having sex is nauseating. In these mind states I only want to have sex with girls.

I have three different hypothesizes:

1. I am a trans woman that have repressed my sexuality because I am ashamed of the trauma.
2. What I am experiencing in the therapy sessions is the repressed emotions of liking what I was going through when I experienced the trauma, and I am integrating this disassociated part of my personality
3. I have hybrid brain that could function on both testosterone and estrogen. What I experience in the sessions is just healing my trauma.

Does anybody have the slightest clue or insight about what this phenomenon could be all about?

[Adrian colby]

There’s a possibility that cannabis caused some brain damage. It’s not the same plant it used to be and latest study on young people ( below age 25) showing brain damage from prolonged use. 
 

looking at various gender disorders and neurological studies of such, the brain requires adequate levels of both testosterone and oestrogen to function properly. For example someone with 46xxy syndrome their testicles don’t develop properly and the individual suffers from lethargy and depressive states regularly without knowing why. Once diagnosed and treated with testosterone, the symptoms go away. One specialist in the condition describes it as the brain being starved of its corresponding balance in hormones

what you need to understand is that the body has both oestrogen and testosterone. The breakdown process of testosterone is what creates estradiol( an oestrogen) and is an essential part of your health. If your estradiol levels are high (as you claim to perceive it), you may have a serious problem going on with your testosterone.( it might be worth doing some blood tests during these periods of perceived oestrogen surges to see if you actually have a raised estradiol level)

the trans condition for a female trans has a brain that is somewhere between a male and female structure. It’s not totally one or the other where a male trans has a fully male brain. There is also a genetic mutation present. 
the brain structure is s physical phenomenon but electrical signal imaging of the brains responses, while there are typical male or female responses( cognition), they are so wide and varied it’s not really possible to tell a persons gender from them.

there’s nothing to be ashamed of fantasising what it might be like to experience the sensations of the opposite sex and there are plenty people out there that openly express they are fluid and feel more one than the other on a given day. Certainly there maybe a neurological development associated with that just as much as there is a neurological structure associated with a person who is rigidly only one side.

 

if you’re worried about it, I would test for the basic levels and rule out any disorders and then move onto other avenues like your psychology. Don’t get bogged down in it thought. Unless it’s causing serious health or distress issues, just enjoy exploring.

[steinberg]

To be honest, I don´t think there is any brain damage. My headache has gotten a lot better doing the trauma work. I think that some of my lower chakras (especially the root chakra) is blocked. When I get these girly emotions swirling around in my body, my energetic system is totally open.

I know that males and females both have testosterone and estrogen. I only get heightened estrogen during trips. After the comedown, the production stops. This is a phenomenon only happening when doing trauma work on LSD.

I am not ashamed of anything. What is, is what is. I don´t  judge it. I Just have a hard integrating these experiences.

For me it is a pretty clear link between this trauma or repression and my headache. There is something going on in my chakra system.

[Adrian colby]

From personal experience with lower chakra stuck energy, it’s earthly desires I hadn’t got out of my system. I have a gender disorder myself so I didn’t get the same degree of experimentation or exploration till I met my wife. After exploring a little I let go of the desire as I noticed it was attached or stemming from a thought. I sat with the thought and let it go and I lost all desire for a few years. There was a sense a peace and self satisfaction with it but I got the root awaken again after a mushroom trip and realised I’d just shut it down. In order for it to fully open and be ok with that energy I had to face my sexual frustration from the disorder, the unrealistic expectations I had developed from watching porn and healing my confidence in myself ( when lacking was leading me to blame my wife for not wanting to sleep with me when my behavior of getting upset when I didn’t get what I wanted or pleading with her out of not understanding why, was pushing her further away) I could have snapped there and then and walked out of the relationship and it would have been completely my fault. When I took responsibility for my own lack of confidence and talked to her openly we discovered a misunderstanding from our lack of communication both verbal and behaviourally. Everything came back up and was worked out in the open. The following week I screwed up once or twice but openly acknowledged it and gained more confidence. I no longer ‘needed’ what I was seeking from her. Our sexual relationship exploded after that as we both felt a sense of freedom from the obligation. It was a connection, becoming one, sharing energy, not a short lived satisfaction. It was more mental and up in the head.

there are certainly very hidden traumas there that I wouldn’t have considered traumas so certainly explore the possibility that there’s something there with yourself especially if there is a sexual frustration that’s blocked at the root. 

[integral]

@Adrian colby I have a very similar life experience where at the age of 21 I smoked weed for the first time and experience debilitating headaches that lasted 10 years right after. People told me I was crazy, "weed is safe it cant do that". I then spent that time learning engineering in school and got a good job all with major daily headaches (I had no choice but to push through it). 

The best guess is it can cause a micro stroke for some people on there first time smoking it, got unlucky. It took a long while before I was able to re-learn how to relax the mind/body and the headaches went away, im guessing the brain had to rewire itself to a new way of working and it took a very long time to do that as I was stuck in one way of thinking/(using the brain).

Quote

I have three different hypothesizes:

1. I am a trans woman that have repressed my sexuality because I am ashamed of the trauma.
2. What I am experiencing in the therapy sessions is the repressed emotions of liking what I was going through when I experienced the trauma, and I am integrating this disassociated part of my personality
3. I have hybrid brain that could function on both testosterone and estrogen. What I experience in the sessions is just healing my trauma.

Does anybody have the slightest clue or insight about what this phenomenon could be all about?

I cant fully relate to this but i do have a sexuality that Im very balanced in both feminine and masculine energy, and can invent what i am attracted to when i want to be attracted to it. So if i wanted to be turned on i just turn my self on with my mind. So there is no fixed preference, i can perceive anything to be attractive with enough imagination.

How this might relate to you or to anyone is attraction is a fluid concept that can be focused its energy on anything you set your mind to. The limiting factors are judgment, if your free from judgment then you can open up your attraction to it. So yes im making the claim that a hetero sexual males are programmed young to have inner judgments that are tied to there identity preventing attraction to men. They also dont have any idea how to focus there attraction. 

Edited August 20, 2023 by integral

[Osaid]

It seems like your body has a very balanced testosterone/estrogen, so to speak, and any idealized thoughts about your childhood experience tips it towards estrogen (desire to be dominated), and then physical activity like exercise tips it towards testosterone (desire to dominate). So your experience of sexual desires is fluid and influenced very easily. Whether this is good or bad is up to you, really.

I say testosterone/estrogen kind of metaphorically here to refer to masculinity/femininity, but it could also literally be the case that you can change the levels of these chemicals in your body very drastically somehow. Everyone is different, after all. It could be a thin balance between the two.

[Osaid]

2 hours ago, integral said:

I cant fully relate to this but i do have unique sexuality that Im very balanced in both feminine and masculine energy, and can invent what i am attracted to when i want to be attracted to it. So if i wanted to be turned on i just turn my self on with my mind. So there is no fixed preference, i can perceive anything to be attractive with enough imagination.

Yeah I'm pretty much the same. Not that I like guys. I like females for the most part. But sometimes you want them to dominate a bit more, I guess. Not sure how to describe it. I've never desired 100% masculinity, or else I would be gay I think. But I've desired some variations of that percentage. It's possible to create such ratios where it feels like "you're getting fucked by a girl" if that makes any sense. It's not entirely masculine, but it's pretty masculine lmao. That's kind of where the appeal of "feminine men" comes from I guess. It's just another mix of those "ratios" between femininity and masculinity.

Then there's also just the idea of having something out there pleasuring you that is enticing by itself, which kind of leads into what you said about imagination or whatever. I've always felt this way. Like, if something is objectively physically stimulating me, the only way to stop that would be to imagine something to stop me from enjoying it.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2023 by Osaid

[LSD-Rumi]

@steinberg Did you use to repress your femininity before psychedelics?

I would becareful before jumping into the whole trans thing.

 

[eggopm3]

I can definitely relate to LSD having a strong feminine energy to it. I theorize that because I'm attracted to women when psychedelics show me beautiful things there's a higher likelihood I'll interpret what I experience as being more female-oriented.

You can explore your perceptions of gender and sexuality to whatever wild extent you want on psychedelics. Exploring fantasies and experimenting with possibilities and what ifs can be a great thing to do while on them, there's a lot to discover there. that doesnt necessarily need to imply anything about being trans or not though. we all have access to both masculine and feminine energies within us, and developing a healthy connection with both is a good thing you should strive for as you develop and mature in life.

[effortlesslumen]

15 hours ago, steinberg said:

 

I started doing heavier doses of LSD. Around 500ug with eyeshades and binaural beats. The same feelings appear. My pelvis is shaking heavily while all these emotions goes around my body. My body produces a lot of estrogen. I have read a lot on trans forums about how it feels to do estrogen and it’s exactly the same feeling I am getting. My boners are soft and hard while I get these crazy body orgasms when I masturbate. I get these fantasies in my mind about being a girl being penetrated and it feeling good. It is like all of the energy in my body becomes pink and red. I see a lot of pink hearts swirling around. I suddenly feel drawn towards makeup, shaving my legs and doing all the other self care stuff girls usually do. I can watch a porn movie and feel jealous of the girl being fucked.

This is really confusing. Because when I work out a lot and eat clean (which results in higher testosterone levels), I feel manly and the thought of being a girl having sex is nauseating. In these mind states I only want to have sex with girls.

I have three different hypothesizes:

1. I am a trans woman that have repressed my sexuality because I am ashamed of the trauma.
2. What I am experiencing in the therapy sessions is the repressed emotions of liking what I was going through when I experienced the trauma, and I am integrating this disassociated part of my personality
3. I have hybrid brain that could function on both testosterone and estrogen. What I experience in the sessions is just healing my trauma.

Does anybody have the slightest clue or insight about what this phenomenon could be all about?

@steinberg

First of all i would further disolve the trauma to see clearer.

Secondly you have to consider that this substances take your conciousness experience to an extrem point out of your ordinary ego perception. In that kind of state you could directly get in touch with your female side or soak up other female energys. Maybe at the time of the traumatic event you percieved yourself at recieving end of the interaction, where as the other party was the dominating manly part. Associated with the pornograpic projection of that film that was innterconnected during that experience which shaped it greatly. Might try to speak about the material that was seen during that time as well. So you might supress your masculinity out of the sheer terror of the event. Everyone has a femine and a masculine aspect psychological speaking and spiritualy thinking, it does not mean you immediately have turn this into a problem regarding sexual biological identity. 

Edited August 20, 2023 by effortlesslumen

[effortlesslumen]

49 minutes ago, effortlesslumen said:

@steinberg

So you might supress your masculinity out of the sheer terror of the event. Everyone has a femine and a masculine aspect psychological speaking and spiritualy thinking, it does not mean you immediately have turn this into a problem regarding sexual biological identity. 

@steinberg

No i have to correct this thought with a more accurate one. The masculine side is supressing the feminine side wich was vunerable at that time when you put your sensitive awarness (the lsd could make you really open to this and perceptive to it) on your inner working of your different polaritys regarding this topic. This could be a reason of your strong nauseating feeling when thinking of getting fucked as a female. Explore this feeling. Really feel into it. Maybe supressed shame that puts you at extrem points at both of your polaritys not able to balance out. Im not sure but my feeling says you should explore this! 

Edited August 20, 2023 by effortlesslumen

[effortlesslumen]

The ego likes to clinge onto extremes.

[Schizophonia]

It has absolutely nothing to do with hormones. It's just a weird paraphilia.

[steinberg]

On 8/20/2023 at 0:15 AM, Osaid said:

It seems like your body has a very balanced testosterone/estrogen, so to speak, and any idealized thoughts about your childhood experience tips it towards estrogen (desire to be dominated), and then physical activity like exercise tips it towards testosterone (desire to dominate). So your experience of sexual desires is fluid and influenced very easily. Whether this is good or bad is up to you, really.

I say testosterone/estrogen kind of metaphorically here to refer to masculinity/femininity, but it could also literally be the case that you can change the levels of these chemicals in your body very drastically somehow. Everyone is different, after all. It could be a thin balance between the two.

Yeah. It kind of feels like I get this estrogen boost under the trips because it is the only way to get the female energy expression of the trauma into my body. It is a really weird experience! But I never have any of these female or pink toughts / feelings in sober state. But I am pretty sure that if I would take exogenous estrogen, I would like the feeling of being woman. The only thing I am afraid of is being totally trans, because I don´t want to go through the whole transition ordeal.

But is that what gender fluid is? Being both man and a woman?

[steinberg]

On 8/20/2023 at 2:08 AM, LSD-Rumi said:

@steinberg Did you use to repress your femininity before psychedelics?

I would becareful before jumping into the whole trans thing.

 

I haven´t repressed anything. I haven´t thought about it for a while, but when I was younger I would crossdress like a joke with my sister and her friends and being turned on by it.

[steinberg]

On 8/20/2023 at 7:15 AM, eggopm3 said:

I can definitely relate to LSD having a strong feminine energy to it. I theorize that because I'm attracted to women when psychedelics show me beautiful things there's a higher likelihood I'll interpret what I experience as being more female-oriented.

You can explore your perceptions of gender and sexuality to whatever wild extent you want on psychedelics. Exploring fantasies and experimenting with possibilities and what ifs can be a great thing to do while on them, there's a lot to discover there. that doesnt necessarily need to imply anything about being trans or not though. we all have access to both masculine and feminine energies within us, and developing a healthy connection with both is a good thing you should strive for as you develop and mature in life.

Yeah. I have taken LSD before while not getting female energies though. It seems that the LSD triggers estrogen production, which changes the characteristics of my feelings.

I also think that its really important to integrate both the feminine and masculine in our psyche!

[steinberg]

On 8/20/2023 at 10:13 AM, effortlesslumen said:

@steinberg

First of all i would further disolve the trauma to see clearer.

Secondly you have to consider that this substances take your conciousness experience to an extrem point out of your ordinary ego perception. In that kind of state you could directly get in touch with your female side or soak up other female energys. Maybe at the time of the traumatic event you percieved yourself at recieving end of the interaction, where as the other party was the dominating manly part. Associated with the pornograpic projection of that film that was innterconnected during that experience which shaped it greatly. Might try to speak about the material that was seen during that time as well. So you might supress your masculinity out of the sheer terror of the event. Everyone has a femine and a masculine aspect psychological speaking and spiritualy thinking, it does not mean you immediately have turn this into a problem regarding sexual biological identity. 

That is totally right. When I had the trauma, it felt like I was a girl. I think that was because I was being dominated while simultaneously being a kid that hadn´t gone through puberty, hence having a more balanced estrogen/testosterone ratio in my body which made it possible for me to facilitate those feelings. I think that if it had happened today, I would feel gross about it.

[Oppositionless]

@Adrian colby “back in my day weed was this fun thing to do with your friends. you kids’ weed is way too much”