Secrecy

[vishnusavestheday]

It's hard to be conscious by posting on this forum. I grow so weary of being judged for typing possibly dualistic or unhelpful comments to others that I usually cut my own prospective posts and replies and paste them entirely in a desktop text document. 

 

It kind of rings out from that old Watts saying, "Once you get the message, hang up the phone." I hate that saying. It feels so amputating, but I've attempted this sort of cessation hundreds of times.

 

My dad told me that same message when I was getting into trouble for using psychedelics. He pleaded as to when I would stop trying to interact with psychedelics, or whence I'd stop chasing enlightenment. We've been since estranged for other differences.

 

But since our estrangement, he's gone on multiple Ayahuasca retreats. He was a secretive person, admittedly. Either way, his actions don't prove me right, nor do I feel less guilted by the Alan Watts quotation neither of us said first.

 

It brings me to this topic of discussion. How secretive is enlightenment? Does enlightenment belong with afforded privacy? As somebody posting on this internet website regarding mystical permanence, am I perceived as a lesser, limited self for even daring to ask questions? Is there any room for enjoyable chatter? I ask these questions because I get the rising feeling that awakening would be described as a something that *didn't* encourage me to generate a new internet post--probing for innocuous information out of loneliness or sorrow.

 

I don't really like this forum because I feel dead-ended fairly often when users preach on and on about words I haven't quite realized as deeply as them. Like I said, I've tried and failed to execute on posting at all anymore because I just feel predictive of expected results. There's not a chess game going on from this topic, I just feel out of options.

 

Any non-pavlovian response would be deeply appreciated.

[Shodburrito]

No, you are not perceived as lesser, but you may be only by people with a spiritual ego trying to appear better than you. 

Most of the people on this forum just preach what others say and have these half-baked ideas in their brains that they haven't fully fleshed out yet. They spew all these ideas but really have trouble answering any questions when someone starts poking a stick at them. If you're confused by their answers don't feel like you're dumb because you're not. Most people type low-effort responses that they don't really understand anyway. 

I encourage you and everyone else to think for yourself. When you have a question about life. Spend hours thinking about it and then questioning the supposed answers your mind comes up with. Don't immediately go online, or on here, or to your spiritual teacher, to find an answer. I really only recommend doing so when you actually need to spice up your spiritual life to provide an opposing fresh perspective to help you grow more.

Also who cares about what other people think about what you say? You just need to get over your fear that some people won't like what you have to say.

Much love

[vishnusavestheday]

@Shodburrito

 

Eh, I suppose I've flagellated myself for getting into unnecessary shit-throwing contests before.

 

So I've just avoided these interactions and employed this sort of aversive maneuver as a self-preservation mechanism, because I exercise the awareness of the possibility that I'd provoke undue reactions from others. Many times has it occurred that one undue reaction in a day sets off an entirely unexpected and radically dualistic chain of embarrassing self-evidence. 

 

Only recently has a trip through the grocery store checkout on LSD shown that there is a way through without provocation, bravado, or fake humility. I was buying one bottle of sparkling water from the grocer, and unabashedly did I wait patiently instead of using the self-checkout. I was quite pleased after that event.

 

I grow tired of such fruits of childish spirituality-- valor stealing, laughing at insolence, or inviting humiliation. Other people don't deserve it.

[Sugarcoat]

I was aware of this forum for several years before even daring to take part in it , so relatable. In my experience, when you go deeper into yourself, you develop this sensitivity to and within yourself which makes you simultaneously more sensitive to others.

So all these people writing about god and awakening this and that… Can’t say with absolute certainty but with this sensitivity you can sort of sense when it’s the “real deal” vs not. And the real deal is rare.. and funny enough it wouldn’t judge you. A lot of the time the impression I get is that a lot of the talk is somewhat on an intellectual and ego level EVEN if they have had peak experiences. That’s why the word god doesn’t really sit right with me sometimes as my experience of it has been colored by reading here and just smelling the grandiosity at times. So those people slowly ascend down from the pedestal you put them on when you see the games they’re playing.. as you become more sensitive and know yourself deeper. So the posts are not solely the words, there’s a kind of energy to it, and other subtleties. And btw ego isn’t necessarily a problem there is a lot of nuance to it and I would say it’s more about how you relate to it and how it takes form which can be many different ways with various density so forth
 

Also from a place of knowing yourself deeper what you want to write will reflect that and then the replies don’t really matter as it’s coming from this authentic place. 
 

“ I ask these questions because I get the rising feeling that awakening would be described as a something that *didn't* encourage me to generate a new internet post--probing for innocuous information out of loneliness or sorrow”

I depends on “where you’re coming from” I would say. If you’re a person who tends to engage a lot in a way where you’re agitated for answers and to prove others right by debating etc then I believe awakening would tone down that need. But if you’re the opposite a person who doesn’t engage and has a bit of a barrier that holds them back as you said in the self preservative way then I guess awakening would have the opposite effect of breaking down that barrier so you might engage and express yourself more. 
It’s quite a narrow view imo to only consider the former. 

To know which one it is for you or what happens to you when you engage is connected to this sensitivity to yourself by going deeper into yourself I would say. So if it feels expansive or not for example. So even if someone points out your ego to you, that doesn’t have to be an accurate it could just be their impression .

 

 

Edited August 19, 2023 by Sugarcoat