Negative thoughts crewing in

[Thought Art]

Hmmm

[Yimpa]

I recommend meditating on this video to gain a new perspective:

 

[Thought Art]

I’ve been in and out of dark thoughts still. Still working through sense of regret and hopelessness. I feel far away from a life I want. I feel lonely and alone. I want more money and relationship in my life. I want things to be different.

[Rigel]

Can you live with family or friends for a few months to reduce costs & pay your debt? I see from your profile that you live in Canada. I am also in Canada & I worked 6 weeks in a factory this summer to invest in my life purpose & I made 4600$ net. If you can find a way to be rent free or reduce the rent to a minimum for just a few months(even if your living conditions wouldn't be ideal) you could pay your entire debt & then start investing in what you want.

I don't know the extent of your student debt but you spoke of 8k for being scammed. That could be paid in 3-4 months if you grind 40hrs a week & even do over time in a factory. It's not fun but it could get you out of there within a year or two(depending on the extent of your student debt).

Be grateful you live in Canada & not some toxic place. Even wage slaves have it pretty good here compared to other countries. Leo's recent blog posts about Mumbai & Bangladesh has put things in perspective for me.

Edited August 23, 2023 by Rigel

[Thought Art]

@Rigel Good ideas for sure. I’m not sure those options are available. But, perhaps there is a way to do it. 

[Thought Art]

@Thought Art I just feel a sense of hopelessness. Like, nothing will work in my life and now I just have to settle for mediocre existence and wage slavery. I’m in a pretty dark place. But, at the same time my emotions are mixed.

[Thought Art]

Is the life I want doesn’t exist, why exist?

[Thought Art]

I am aware how things can change because I’ve been through things like this before. But, right now I feel like I’m not in a resourceful state

[HMD]

@Thought Art Try this, at least for the time being. Actually do it. 

You are dealing with the negative aspects of reality. Reality is manifesting in a way that you do not like. All the negative emotions, thoughts, and circumstances. Observe them as what they are, consciousness trying to manifest in a particular way in the present moment. Try to let it be and just observe how your mind is creating all sorts of bullshit, how it is attaching negative meanings, and how it is resisting the present moment. Try to fully surrender to the moment. To what is. Accept the fullness of consciousness for now and you will notice that answers will come to you naturally. You will find a way.

.

[Javfly33]

How much months you have left to pay your debt? 

I guess that will be the number of months you will be enslaved. Then from that moment I guess is just finding yourself a better paying job. 

[hyruga]

How much do you earn from planting a tree?

What course did you spend on? Care to share?

Just earn back the income! Money can always earn back. If you struggle with 8k spent, you are going to struggle anyway down the route. Just treat this as an earlier wake up call.

Edited August 23, 2023 by hyruga

[Thought Art]

@hyruga tree planting is piece work and only seasonal. Right now I plant about 2000 trees a day and make about 240 dollars. Some people are very good and make like 400-500 dollars a day. 
 

I hate my debt so much and the people who knowingly scammed me. They are monsters.

I hate it

the course is called “Sell What You Know”

Edited August 24, 2023 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I think I may also lack wisdom and integrity as well. I’ve been struggling to love myself because my ideals and who I actually am are very separate.

[Thought Art]

Yeah, my problems relate to a fundamental lack of maturity, work ethic, focus, emotional mastery, discipline, habits, wisdom, forethought, risk management, adversity quotient, a sense of entitlement, wanting things to be easy, impatience, inability to accept aging and letting go of past, etc

[Thought Art]

I think I experience a lot of fear which leads to bad decisions. I also realize I struggle to love people in my life. I’m needy, moody, and selfish in many ways.

[Thought Art]

I keep wavering on my state. I’m frustrated my earning potential is so low and my debt so high. My life is all fucked all right now. Tree planting is also extremely hard and after taxes it’s not really worth it. But, I’ll be done in about 2 weeks. Probably won’t plant trees again as I see it’s just not worth it as I’m already 27.

the fact that I’m getting older increases my suicidal ideation as I realize how much time it takes to achieve things and how valuable youth is. I’m trying to figure it if it’s worth living if I can’t achieve my goals. I want to grow older so I can be more wise and loving. But, the idea of being average, broke, working a slave labour job, never able to be successful makes me want to kill myself. I know that’s not a resourceful place but… isn’t there also just the brute reality what I’m too old to get rich? Or, am I too young to be rich because most people lack the maturity to do so. I don’t know. 
 

I really hate planting trees btw. Just doing it for a bit to survive. The social aspect and being outside is healthy. The money isn’t worth it, for me anyway.

[Thought Art]

I will continue to try to work through this consciously.

while tree planting I essentially have nothing to occupy my thoughts because it’s essentially brute hard labour. 
 

I noticed three repeating types of thoughts today. 
 

1. Anger and resentment about the marketing course, the loan and the failure. Mixture of guilt, stress, regret, resentment, anger, frustration, revenge, self doubt, triviality. 
 

2. I notice a suicidal thought which, I suspect is a pseudo thought and way of… idk, wanting a magic pill to solve all my problems to make me wise and young again. Silly.

3. Resentment toward a girl I have a crush on. So weird. I think it has to do with my anxious, avoidant attachment style.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

One of my biggest problems is these types of looping thoughts. I’m contemplating how to transcend them. I try to think consciously affirmation, gratitude etc

[Illusory Self]

Suffering is a good teacher. I used to think similarly to you, untill consciousness woke up to itself. It's not necessarily the situation that is bad, it's more so how the thoughts and or interprations of the situation feel. You already are the case which is truth/love/unconditioned self. Maybe try and go inwards into noticing the more recurring thoughts that appear and just let me flow without any attachment or judgement. Thoughts are thoughts. 

 

'One of my biggest problems is these types of looping thoughts', that's another thought which feels off most likely.

 

Wish you all the best!

 

I found journaling, meditation, self-expression really helped me. Notice there is quite literally nothing to do at all. You don't have to do or become anything as you already the case. Consciousness which is already unconditional.

[Thought Art]

Lookout kid, trust your heart
You don't have to play the part they wrote for you
Just be true
There are things that you could do
That no one else on earth could ever do
But I can't teach you, I can't teach it to you

Lookout kid, trust your mind
But you can't trust it everytime
You know it plays tricks on you
And it don't give a damn if you are happy or you're sad
But if you've lost it, don't feel bad
'Cause it's alright to be sad

Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do

Lookout kid, trust your body
You can dance, and you can shake
Things will break, you make mistakes
You lose your friends, again and again
'Cause nothing is ever perfect
No one's perfect
Let me say it again, no one's perfect
Right

A lifetime of skinned knees
And heartbreak comes so easy
But a life without pain would be boring

And if you feel it, it's fine
I give you everything that's mine
I give you my heart and my precious time

Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do-do

Lookout kid, trust your soul
It ain't hard to rock n' roll
You know how to move your hips
And you know God is cool with it
But some people want the rock without the roll
But we all know, there's no God without soul
Right

A lifetime of skinned knees
And heartbreak comes so easily
But a life without you
Would be boring for someone like me

And if you feel it, it's fine
I give you everything that's mine
I give you my heart and my precious time
(Precious time)
(Give you everything)
I give you my heart and my precious time

Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do
Do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do-do

Unconditional
It's unconditional
It's unconditional
No matter what you do
It's unconditional (unconditional)
It's unconditional (unconditional)
Unconditonal (no matter what you do)
It's unconditional (unconditional)