Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

20 min session:

I am grateful for more conscious art girls liking me
I am grateful to fully integrate shadow elements consciously & unconsciously
I am grateful for more success & more money as well as the direct manfistation of that and the direct chance of acquiring it and having it, as well as the deeper opportunities
I am grateful to be and enact more social tendencies of mine & to not engage it toxic behaviour and see frustration as a learning experience & suffering as a learning experience more than before
I am grateful for the new company and all stakeholders and that I could potentially do my masters with them
I am grateful for every conscious non-toxic, deep and romantic moment!

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's hopefully see how fast it goes. It's like the universe testing you are you intelligent enough to realize you need a more conscious enviroment?

Talked today, to the friend seems like he's more open to the possibility of getting laid & gaming girls the conscious way, even though there will be shadow's yet you'll most likely see the work end up here, ultimately I cared a lot like a lot about this. One other thing is we ate hotpot & the whole organisation thing and socializing is like a reward itself. As a child I used to talk like a waterfall my mother used to say & yeah I'll most likely get some drinks with the more conscious girl who seems to have a deep intuition about love, surrender and intimacy. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

As wisdom is my new value I'll contemplate this, this was also a way to riches somehow for me, it's a very weird irony in a sense, meanawhile I am sojourning somewhere sometime etc. 

I thought about the issue of my physical injury and happiness. There is some slight positive things, yet the gym is a real issue it's not as freeing anymore. Yoga & Stretching and some other form of exercise would be great. 

I don't think also I can be as happy anymore it's a weird admittance I'll have to make. 

Edited September 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

To be a sage might be a very good vision to have etc. I'd like to break more connection and foster deeper cultivative connections. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The funniest thing is online-dating all that counts is money & status & creativity for some good er stuff,

But yeah maybe dating 100k insta model & real model only sharing here... also has issues, yet doubt she began healing. Also serious so I dunno never meet s1 the normal girls are so normal I don't enjoy dating them. The healthy people have it the easiest by far. Yet yeah I dunno. Was a lot of input & I dunno. I don't care tbh.

There is also authenticity dance girl who likes hip-hop & asked me to walk her dog that'll be cool. Very tricky business her. Money & status frames are very heavy in online-dating. 

It's also part of this region. Otherwise acting from wisdom is just difficult at this point I lost my drive and edge it's to many subtle pains & I dove into it. It burns me out. So I can't exhaust stage orange as well anymore and achieve en masse. I am extremely happy playing video games I dunno why, I find it also difficult due to exercise & sports being the biggest inner child activity besides gaming & cycling & learning...

Also, the Turkish people & girls can have hella bias here. I struggle a bit with the attitude of German academia it has become ever more blue in a green fashion, especially considering how racist beauty is & how different that is from sex&sexiness as perception, especially with foreigners. With only Germans it's not as bad and has not been as bad, yet with some foreigners & ethnicities it can turn very very ugly.

Sent her also a very long voice mail girls have such a wrong opinion about me, yet it's not easy currently leading being so injured it's like I am spacing out to not feel as stressed at times & knowing me the typical mistakes I do etc. & reflecting on that.... like not asking for recommendations & brief moments to look, prep stuff etc. Like these tiny things are what block my fast decision making process.

I think also German Marketing killed my dating success as it makes brown typisch men the feelers & emotional a lot it fucks results seriously, then I get also this it attracts partially people who have issues as this is what happens with empathy.

Also, again due to health being taken away thee good side of this does not shine as much. I could make myself look a bit more cool etc. I just don't know what to do health wise I feel I can't live normally healthy & I don't know how to get girls now thanks to this .

It's like I attracted broken holism & fine green blueprint & half of my shadow. These 3 girls are currently there. I feel also due to cleanliness that girls at times could shy away, yet I need a different Appartement this one is a bit nasty to clean at times & I simply don't enjoy it I burn out doing so much work in a sense as I don't like it. It's not as kathartic as for others etc. A bit of chaos does feel healthy to me as I have to use my brain.

I cooked also today something very tasty & I'll try it again tomorrow/today.

Procrastinated on mathematics...

Not easy to get into the deep shit of my lp due to nerd type bullying that evokes the sickest & nastiest of thoughts. The issue of compassion also....

Otherwise I am craving a lot of sensual pleasure that exercise usually gave me.

My life is not the same anymore.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also the energy current of Andrew Tate & internet macho men fked  me up, some serious and vulnerable & authentic relationships where strength was build on thee foundations more & depth of connection especially knowledge & wisdom & not power.

I simply don't have the space & energy to enjoy being juvenile & acting out some karma I burnt so much fking karma through exercise, especially sex wise & my drive is already very high. 

I just notice there are more good things, yet I don't feel this push, yet this push made me partially toxic. I have issues with boredom as boredom ppl = slow = stupid partially at times & sojourning there usually brings frustration ~ solution ~ fun. 

So I dunno I feel like this Online-Dating crap and the nature of how useless introverts are when it comes to dating as they are like small goblins. ? Or zombies who can't create a community & just hide in their small tribe. I barely meet ppl that way etc... 

What a true issue is is simply how much happiness is gone from me & how this is the biggest sefl-sabotage point sport & exercise being diminished to yeah... Smith called I dunno preventative fitness care with a risk deeper injury.

Uhm ..

Edited September 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The arrogance of c.s made it also tricky for me to love this. 

I don't find as much joy anymore in creating & skill building due to the career nature of it & not the inner kid that explores the. Beauty of computer code/mathematics. The death of my grandma was not that big of a deal, yet the injury fked up everything when I look healthy people in the eye they are like well you have to just take it at times .

I am also very tired atm, society here is so orange and the greens are very stereotypical. If Owen would live in Germany he'd understand why there are prostitutes it's an issue especially nowadays. I barely see any couples also. 

All I can do is go out... I don't know I don't enjoy it that I can't automate my life as much as I seriously had the opportunity for it. 

I'll stop for now. I am to tired & don't know what to reflect upon. I lost a lot of internal strength & courage & edge I don't know what now is there is only patience & wisdom.

That wisdom is manifesting itself also more.

[ValiantSalvatore]

This does not get you laid, yet attracts people who want their issues to be fixed....

I struggle with self-sacrifice also now even  more more than ever & I was pretty good at this...

The hurt & pain of organizing is part of growing as a leader was an insight I had .

I was so frustrated etc.i'll sleep for now I don't know what else to say.

I feel like an imposter & I can't dispell this illusion & healthy doubt mixed in it as well anymore. 

Yeah yeah... higher SD development & the spiral spiraling out of control.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Shocking to see & meet model type girls, the issue right now is beign mature & the enjoyment of beign highly mature, this today was the biggest insight. I enjoyed mature living so much I completely neglected it at one point due to the immaturity of the cool kids so to speak, and fitting in and the issue of beign cool & professional without the toxicity of it, cocain, nicotine etc. All of this is atrocious absolutely atrocious, oh man also the subtle toxicity of mature people who are young got also to me. It's odd I also attracted to many odd people. 

I dunno what to think & say, there is a deep itch of maturity, yet what bothers me is to see the rampant immaturity and the succesful imagery of this, and the borderline cuckhold type of provider shit, that I can't stomach and enjoy I am way to dominate and predatory for this, otherwise I would already lean into the other side of this. 

Edited September 5, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I never thought I missed hard work & good work ethic due to injury, it's like my "golden years" have never started & there has often been some limiting factor. I'll head to bed very early, my fundamental intention is to get back to an attitude of enjoying hardwork and priding=loving myself in this... I lost this due to dating & just bad impulse control.

The best thing I can do is be a strict executer.... then be a loose spontaneous guy & a strict executer again... that means planning my fun & seeing joy in the fun of executing these plans.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am going to bed at 21:00 & will wake up at 02:00 and just do the work... and enjoy the grind .... I don't know any languaging tricks anymore I'll just enjoy the grind and the hustle mentality till I burn on & burn-out, I am most happy when I am working usually... this  crunch I also usually take a break etc. & clean my appartement.... also more clean living etc...These are my intentions.... 

Also less direct Leo watching. The maturity episode was very good, yet I seriously find it heavy of self-sustaning all of this is & I don't enjoy it that my health is fundamentally deeply affected by this many don't comprehend. It's like your IQ would be reduced by 30 points in terms of the severity of the physical injury 13-30 points and then saying, yeah bla bla bla etc. 

There is nothing others can do..., yet I don't know where to put in all of the other energy, it has to be my work and I've been having issues with this, yet I might do better etc. The point is all of this mico-health things where I'll look wo-wo I might have to simply do it and suck up these punches....

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Job Applications are also so weird man, I dunno I feel so gaslit by human society to burn for others and their exploitative competitive b.s. It makes it difficult to enjoy the idea of merit when it's fundamentally flawed and a very low level of motivation.

Then having meaningful interactions is also not easy... I definitely don't feel I can be as happy due to some inflated self-Wörth and also the shadow side of this thing or double shadow side. I also can't tell if & how to better deal with pain. All that helps is 1h long meditation & cold showers to deal with this perception & work harder & smarter etc. I work like a bullet then usually, fast and effective. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The irony of intutive connections are that they are intutive and not tangible, and often would hurt others. It's extremely good to look at this and get back into the groove there are some very subtle beyond you're average shit social stuff, that is so apparent to me, that makes it difficult for me to, sometimes do my work, yet it generally feels good to be around people who are seriously aware of racism and dark humour and are not colorblind assholes, that is one thing I noticed how these two perceptions create different biases, I am only free in very deep meditative states of this and deeper meditative states. 

Right now making new very holistically inclinded friends who miss the hardcore type of practice, that I did solo for years. So I am building a community yeahyyy!! I also notice I have more love than the average type of guy these girls are delusionally loving at times and I notice I prefer love and empathy over compassion. Compassion is a bitch in a sense, it's odd realizing this I told this to my mother yesterday it's such a patronizing type of relationship when turned toxic and cynnical and also runs a deep ground for fundamentally deep and strong friendships. 

 

Edited September 6, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also making friends similar to my old friends, yet more conscious is extremely good. There are a lot of subtle traumas, I have yet they are not really traumas they are, it's very good if they are forgiving, when I see someone acting more masculine then they truely are and it's simply social skill there is no merit to it besides the social skill.

Currently, all of it runs so well, I don't believe it it's more the immaturity of this forum & some of Leo that deeply hinders me from growing, I would generally choose more conscious people and I don't think people like Aubery Marcus are very conscious, it's truely a guru-notion, not a conscious problem solver etc. Nothing against him, yet I don't like guys who smoke cigarres to show how manly they are most of these friends are gone, I'd rather trip and go into the feminine I don't have that edge to proof myself that much tbh, do mathematics then, I don't know what is more manlier by energy than mathematics, silence, zen and heavy deep tripping. 

This is also a pattern I've noticed and I'll stay clear of these toxic ppl. I learned from deep masters and could build my own stuff, I am not really fond of the guru notion besides for sex and fun. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today, was also the first day where I smelt the early morning... it's such a beautiful smell... I miss deep hard and excellent work, as a holistic form of performances, I currently struggle to implement this in my work and to underpromise and over-deliver because I enjoy the work. I am also still glad for my last psychologist, she'd be the only one I'd talk to, also if Leo would be a psychologist I'd go to him as he just gathers stuff from black people etc. I noticed everyone I meet who likes and enjoys these ancient things from africa etc, is a very good source to learn and be part of, I just turn toxic at times. All of this subtle energy currents as HSP with Andrew Tate & Donald Trump are close to gone, I drew a lot of strength from meditation alone. 

The issue with many spiritual folk for me is, I have to see myself even more as authority similar to the kriya-yoga advice, there are a few who'd I trust on this. Many are to dangerous with their half-assed knowing and I don't value knowledge anymore. I don't and I won't care about this aspect. 

Also the current cultural slide to all this latino influneced stuff based on Wisdom, is already 3-4 years old or not??? Like I dunno at times. It's so heavy 6w7 type feelings I dunno and I barely meet true ones, also mostly through psychdelics I've found deeper notions of this. 

I'll also stay clear of couples who are to science oriented, science = survival nowadays I've seen better and more creative scientist and people who enjoy art, it's a bit more liberterian in nature, yet I find more love here in art & creatvity. All in all things are coming to an end again, there is a huge new beginning I did not even fully start enjoying and exploring the last 7 months have been quiet exhausting and I know I push myself already quiet hard, the point is I still have a lot of shadow work to do mostly due to white society be that in family and or not, some of you remind me of how disgusting humanity is by the sheer topics they bring up, it's nice to forget seeing beauty and art.

I know why JP spent all of this money into art, so he can forget the b.s he did, with all the ray ray type stuff. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am completely deconstructing the LP course, new insight also showed me that I have different strength as what others perceive me at which is an issue in itself, yet my deep intuition also. I am not a balanced person I am innovative more, there generally speaking has to be this more single-minded focus & getting rid of talkers & people who invent notions because of different drives etc. 

Also staying away from ungodlike mechanical people etc. some minor stuff etc. I'll have a friend to explore psychdelics with this is good definitely. 

I'll also stay away from the shamers of work, and the ones who do a lot of work and just enjoy life a bit more. I don't like work shamers. 

I legit had a desire to be world class otherwise I would not have strained myself so immensely, also my workout etc. It's not easy to channel this now into work etc. I also feel at home with more pragmatists who are not as toxic and rigid. 

I feel as thought I am coming back to more conscious stuff & I hope I can still get to some peaks, there are certain people who pull me down as they ride on to deep shadows for their own confirmation and are mostly deeply ray ray and enact these ray ray type of structures etc. They miss love, very deeply. 

I had to give myself years of self-love to be at this place now, as my mother is compassionate, yet unloving she loves differently by energy, I deal better with practical emotional direct type of love. Not held of frustration and anger. Some withdraw to much and I am already a double withdrawn type, only with a double withdrawn type this functions better. I am not very duty bound by nature, more by intent etc. TIER 2 personality type run downs are also so different. 

IT's good to learn pride & love also for more experienced people and normal people at times, not the fantasy of a spiritual relationship etc. Many have to many traumas etc & bad habits etc. I'll have to see what this will be etc. 

I keep a healthy skeptecism with Leo and the spiritual stuff, as I don't know due to attainments beign a reality in me what is real and not with the psychdelic usage in the more recent times...

Edited September 6, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The irony of life...., I wish I could have been at a place like this earlier in my life.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Valuing wisdom is so different, the vision of the sage. I'd love to say some extremely crazy things as I just thought the notion of it is so funny, yet I'll leave it at that. I also get less triggered. Which is great. 

Wisdom & Beauty is one of the weirdest combinations to consider, even with software. Very very odd etc. All I can say for now. I predict in 3-4 months I am at a high state again and around november/december I'll trip, so for now I keep investing into my social lif. What bothers me is that I lost a tremendous amount of fun in my life due to the injury, beign so healthy takes so much maturity, it's not easy. I am also to perfectionistic & excellence drive, and I'll have to sort of come to terms with this. I have fun beign serious... & then letting go is super fun. 

I am back approx. as of today. I'll also do some sproadic shadow work again it just is very good for growth no matter what. 

3-2-1 process

It feels like there is a drive for exellence that I can quiet get my hands on I felt it this morning this glowing inner star 
It feels like there is a deep impulse for going beyond the current standards of what is required out of love & joy & how meditation and visulization are the gripping corner for this
It feels like there is a deep love & humility in the act of beign mature beyond what humans perceive 
It feels like there is a deep ambition & hustle depth that enjoys going beyond what is required of the white man
It feels like there is a deep warrior spirit that enjoys seeing & facing it's own death and creation in an extrem and humbling way
It feels like the morning sun & smell
It feels like the ambition of a dream

So here we go this is clearly a golden shadow there is no need to kid us here, what has been up lately with my work mentality, you've made so many new friends, they all enjoy hanging out, even attractive girls etc. Where is the motivation? It's not motivation you most likely miss the old joy of life/joie de vivre with passions and hobbies due to the image of many computer science students and how in the box all people seem, even the out of the box people seem in the box, yet you seem to be always somewhat different. It's also rare to meet people like this, yet you do meet them. So what is it currently what is hindering me from greatness and excellence, there have been many people giving me tips & insights, yet it's so radically different to have and work with golden shadows and put trust into this process, well... for once.... you remember when you woke up and could go swimming at 9 am and enjoy the beauty of nature, as there have been barely any people and the deep depth, and you've always whined about the lack of skill development, yet feel the same drive when seeing your linkedin profile? 

Yes. That is your joie de vivre, you miss all the deep travel experiences and non-sexual ridden beauty due to the heavy lust type nature of our culture, and also the creativity of it, yet you yearn now to express this sexually also more deeply.

Aha, very interesting shadow another very mature conversation, how are we children today? Ever heared of Donald Trump? Bro, you don't need to trigger me, we don't get triggered by Trump, the unfortunate stuff is we get inspired by this power and we still don't like and listen to it, as there is a deep authentic emotionality behind it, it pains me to say this and feel this, where I feel with liberals they are so bitter and sarcastic and negatively ridden, they miss a healthy dose of psychdelics in their morning tea. 

Well then what is this joy of life feeling I used to have like almost any given fking day subtely and or less subtely even during the worst fking days? Well... it's your willingness to go after life. You're the one yearning to experience all of these beautiful experiences.... you're the one who realizes the beauty of all of it, especially a new morning dawn, the deep creativity & romance, also the deep bitterness of humans as the bitter people implanted this partially in you, with their gaslighting type antics and cynnical manner. 

You clearly see the deep joy of living in the morning and enjoying a new morning and working on projects on a bright future in that sense, you have more beauty around you make this happen, you can do it. 

That's oddly encouraging from a shadow aspect, well here you go you've noticed something positive. What gift are you still bringing me fundamentally? 

You crave strength in stability, yet you don't seem to get it as much due to conditioning and your physical apperance and cultural notion, people project stuff onto you do to you beign extremely open-minded and non-judgemental, even the judgemental people apperciate your non-judgement and the non-judgemental ones start judging around you. You know this is all evaluation currently right? That this is a rational tool.

Yes, yet what is your actual gift, can you clearly tell me? Your gift is strength in intention, energy and deep momentum, consistency in your doing and holism internally, externally it's tricky to get this going, yet start and continue internally and most things will fall into their place.

I am the one who seeks strength in holism
I am the one who still has a strong joie de vivre
I am the one who loves to put this joie de vivre into his work it's passion activated
I am the one who can see the wisdom of the warrior spirit in me due to living like one
I am the one who can see the wisdom of the wisdom of bitter people & why it's gone in the morning 
I am the one who has been neglecting his own divine feminity due to the crazy masculinity and unhealthy people who are to neutral and see neutral as the new way of living. 

All I can say for now, I am embracing sort of I presume meritocracy female drive, I dunno how to say this. It feels deeply creative and I never liked the subtle bitterness around the topic of sexuality & beign black partially also it's odd to embrace creativity, the marketing & all of this. 

I also miss healthy gay jokes, just for this energy if you get what I mean. But hey here I am ?some are so stuck up they can't play with this notion.

Edited September 6, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I hope also when I have a new guitar, that this will just work fundamentally better in terms of tapping into inner child I did so much trauma work already, I would not work with people who are the slightest bit to dull to get what I am talking about intuitively. As I'd need more direct information. 

I am glad my psychoterhapist had a TIER-2 inclination about beauty and love. Showed me more with whom I'd work if I'd be interested in having an excellent relationship and brining that value into this also etc. I'll post my meditation session later, people also seem more willing to listen to me, as I deeply listen to them. 

So I am up for more reading etc. I just have to get rid of the technological people. They do no good to any process, it's a different perspective I am clumped into due to marketing bias & beign tall and strong, people already think you are like a foreign technology, if you really consider how alien at times ppl can view you & it feels like. 

Beign tall = alien technology. Yes, heared it here first. Also practicing my CC & giving people shadow work material is ultra funny to me & IIRC part of holism and childlike parts of turqouise I stopped with this, yet I might bring it back even from orange to get the orange crunch out. 

Also at times Leo gives me nightmares at times I dunno why exactly, yet it happens. I had a very akward hateful feeling I dunno why all of this happend due to to many deaths in my immediate enviroment. Leo is really a good guy, that is the point some are more questionable 

Edited September 6, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am an odd creature at times, it's not easy to get into the positive upswing & I generally struggled with this, today ironically was one great day as I just smelled the morning again, this lifestyle costed so much energy it's crazy to realize this, they all tell me to chill while I have so many questions due to fundamental lack of clarity and sort of loss of excellence drive it's very odd to say this, overall .... I hope things go better and better... 

I will react less negatively also to toxic girls, and just ignore and mute these girls.

I am grateful for more holistic and loving girls
I am grateful for feeling more joy of life
I am grateful for not getting into deep negative notions of hatred due to white society and also meeting others who are interested to socialize
I am grateful to not be around people who gaslite
I am grateful I had courage as a value
I am grateful that the feeling of gratefulenss exists and for every loving deeply loving human coming from deep love, humility & strength not fragility and need, in that sense proper anti-fragility and depth of love