Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

No gym will again drink wine and work on these aspects, I might clash I focus to do shadow work this time to fully avoid clahses that are just to stupid like with my landlord because she is fat & curious and I hate at times fat & curious people due to a realtionship I had with a friend, and this is something I also need to heal. Some of it happens automatically, yet I am beign a dick subtely at times. A lot of it is due to white society and just the issue of many people don't live from TRUTH. That is a game changer etc. Also to appreciate my body is way more difficult than ever I'd have to think a body to not make it an subject&object problem. A body makes things more easier, a friendship, a friend etc. It takes all pride out of it (insight from a blinkist), a community, a network, a trauma etc. A car, a house, a girl? 

Makes it more easier way more easier.... 

I am drinking might post for fun, I am one of the few people who can use alcohol very well. It would also spice up my sex life a lot with the right kind of person, I never thought how far taste goes also... well besides culture... this is also a sensory shadow, especially contemplating the rudimentary form of the MBTI, I also noticed people listen often for the wisdom & not the knowledge. Etc. etc. etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also it's fking painful to fall from the "model type people of vanity love" into the depths of ugly type people of vantiy love, and the issue was love all along, just some people take it more lightly... 

ALSO WHY DO PPL NEED TO DIE AND THEY BLOCK SOME SHIT IN MY EXISTENCE LIKE HELL WHAT IS DEATH???????? 

I'D LIKE TO FUCK HER BRAINS OUT I WAS YESTERDAY DIRECT TO ONE GIRL ABOUT SEXUALITY AND IT WAS THIS TYPICAL NON_DATEABLE GERMAN CULTURED GIRL I THOUGHT LIKE FUCK WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE YOU'D HAVE TO BE A HOMOSEXUAL TYPE OF CARING DADDY WHO CARES FOR THIS TYPE OF STUFF IT HURTS & CRIGNES MY INTEGRITY TO BE LIKE THIS IT'S LIKE HAVING A FATHER AS MOTHER TAKING CARE OF THESE GIRLS I DUNNO 

It's so odd. I am drinking now... white wine! For a change... this one is also not as good as the one from the wine bar. I also seem to enjoy italian white wine for now, yet not yeah w/e Zeigeist issues.  

[ValiantSalvatore]

I wonder at times why I'll also have a pull to this, yet I hope I can buy an electric guitar next month. 

I'd need some list for normal pop-songs or some algorithm that categorizies the music type of my youtube playlist into song categories and sorts them based on views and creats multiple stacks of lists or so, so I can extract the best songs I have over 5000 songs in this list I bet 3000 are electronic

Edited September 2, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It is odd contemplating sobriety, especially given 7's type of context, and how well alcohol deals with subtle forms of shame and inhibiton. Anyway my knee does not do well on this I notice, the irony is cannabis will be legalized, so I dunno what to think at times, as far as I know. So I dunno. I hope the girl will come to me at one point.  his mix is older, yet still extremely god. Calling it a year old feels worse imo. 

Cannabis will be highly interesting, I don't think it has as much merit as people believe it has, it only has merit to deal with stage red drives which are running rampage already to some extend, especially shadow wise etc. & a better expression possibly etc. As a lot of it has to deal with power & control imo. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also considering my knee cannabis is just better... way better... to trip on LSD for fun .... yeah a more healthy body would function way better cannabis does not work that way somehow. 

The irony of this is I walk outside and I smell cannabis so loud it's incredible. I bought a bottle of wine that tastes like metal, also german parties are quite lame. I'd really would like to build my own isolated place. Like a castle, yet sort of andrew fuck face ruined the idea of a lord so much, it became gay to me.

Edited September 2, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

A bit absurd, yet it's crazy seeing this footage, and seeing the subtle context of introvert & extrovert etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Downloaded Tinder again out of boredom and checked another forum... not a single analysis I did not run, 10k for coaching is also an insane price, yet people showed their real faces & profiles mostly and there are plenty of free goodies. 

Even with the principles I need some text game help to many girls deleted me & I don't seem to leave a mark. Leo also bets so much on theory and being introverted I'd wonder how much theory is best for me it is good to just have a social network & circle to interact with. Yeah I dunno the issue with human life and boredom is immense in a sense, meditating hardcore & such helps the most to deal with this. My issue simply is getting laid there are plenty of people have as good looking getting less laid & I just care about one deeper connection... I could for sure be .... Stage chasing .... With multiple girls etc.... as there is value to this. Though I dunno having one depth of partner and to explore with her would be best besides if I'd have a sx/so type that could handle a poly, due to their lvl of depth & intensity they bring in 1o1 they help both tremendously and they seem to me generally pretty social just depth addicted in a sense.buf yeah I drank a lot & I am out for now

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's also odd having naturally do none of this and die to injury having to 16x the effort. It's so dumb you'd not believe it. 

I can't really go after my vision and me sort of new vision depends heavily on a functional community & close people I can trust and rings of trust so to speak. It's odd that all my energy sort of has to be intellectual & spiritual emotional & not physical anymore. 

I also feel due to being mixed and light-skinned I am appreciated less & looked at twice and checked and I am so white again... just turning my arm it'll be whiter than your pink arm. 

I find it difficult to find enjoyment in this, especially not with a supportive social circle that is more PvE let's say. Instead of pvp friend groups. I do have some higher desires, yet I notice how strongly my upbringing was against status. Single motherhood brainwashing is by far one of the worst. Yet what is even worse is current day modern women mostly being exploitative maximizers. It's extremely superficial, yet they are all in apps. Also if fling global warming vet's serious and it rained all summer, last summer was not so luckily... 

How do I even meet girls? For me the issue is more of being well-recognized and having options. That I can't fully put in my name due to injury bothers me the most. I am severely limited & I dunno having higher consciousness networks is one of the most enjoyable things I've witnessed and always enjoy witnessing.

Solo depth does not triumph all depth in that sense and multiple depth. I find it also tricks to... Forgoe ...?? My needs and craft a new lifestyle & vision it's simply not possible.

It sucks having these years being. Taken from you and steadily seeing signs from the universe so to speak ... I'll hope cannabis will do me some good if it becomes legal here. It's extremely bad to enjoy life with having any access to things that deepen life and experience etc.

But yeah ai dunno I am out. Inner motivation is almost gone. I find it difficult to maintainhypes etc. currently also the family privilege is unreal, especially injured.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am awake I thought about how doing online-dating similar to game for 1h per day, is better planned & associated time to learn & eventually to 2h or so to get feedback on the weekend and see it as training. 1h per day is also very very serious, so I better prepare myself with new pictures etc & bring more examples & buy a few clothes. Otherwise I am fully invested in my social circle & meditation at best, also my reading etc. 

Right now I am considering how to go about my career & make all of these stable. The desire to drink coffee with cineamon & eventually a few glasses of wine, as I have a strong appetite for sensory pleasure, I saw this also with a 60-70 year old nun at the zen monastary, it's not that easy and she was working extremely hard in contrast to others, yet also in her work she seemed the most conscious in contrast, and best suited to deal with lower consciounes ego's I was put into that group somehow, it was simply also the value of knowledge that felt so egoic. 

For now I believe I am clean af, I just really would like to upgrade my socials, I could also finally buy a camera with my new income to learn to take some picturs & open up a photography thingy & explore the city take pictures & take pictures of food etc. That'll help to get back into art drives & would be a holistic reward for me that also takes action, I also thought about learning about investing again properly. 

I did not see the Andrew Tate stuff, I am sort of implenting the shadow issue of this subtely, as it's simply out of control beign in control exercising power out of control & then you call this order. Although the bbc video I'll watch. I don't go out so it's not that interesting. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The issue I find between sort of the provider trajectory & the player trajectory they are so good at stage red beign playful & manipulation, they just turn on the lust button in girls. It's like girls get the feeling of OMFG a wild horse I'd like to ride it!!! In very simple terms etc. The irony is with trump it's about power and with andrew tate it's about control. 
If I could do that in the way I did it .... I would get such hot & crazy girls it would really help my stage red stuff, yet if I live conscious like my self-care routine would take 3h or so it's so annoying. Seeing Andrew Tate I'd be more interested in hacking and cyber security as the guy is simply black. 

Anything else? I could make the effort the create a new vision board and art, when I have a little more money in my room & buy a book about art history I'll will not take classes, I believe still original analysis is one of my strengths secretly. 

It would be obviously smart to hop on cryto & general grey zone invented hyper trains very very early, as people have the tendency to buy hope no matter what. '

It also shows why the family is so powerful generally speaking, as they'd keep you busy not worrying about andrew tate. The issue is with such charmers, personally I never feel bad watching him & I learn the toxic stuff & girls respond to this, I dunno either you have massive desire&sex type experience and can lure girls that way etc. 

I might still read this book & take notes to deal with this worldview I bet these are at least 200-300 million people would subsrcibe globally to this and also ironically a lot of girls also not knowingly. It's like gen z's issue of unhealthy stage blue, and gen-y's issue of uncertaintiy and baby boomer families beign torn due to rampant individualism also from gen-x'ers my mother is a baby boomer she had me with 31& 1/2 which is interesting in itself. I am not even that old. I would make twice the money as her and 5x to 6x in america. 

She still became very mature especially in her 40's that was insane to me. I did not have that level of maturity. I have it now tbh, as I just went there, yet I also became more mature in a sense. She still has issues with money where my father is correct & this is the sort of rampant online & andrew tate culture. This is why the rave will calm most people I believe. 

I also thought about how I did not fully enjoy my 20's & I hope I can do some stuff this year even solo with a camera etc. There are other ideas & projects etc. Like grow one cannabis plant in my life, get more plants, get more efficiency in cleaning, buy plants that keep spiders out by smell etc. Some subtle stuff I am not going to mention. 

Buy a very high-end gaming pc, my apm is to high generally speaking to not benefit from this & then be in more pleasured order like the guys who have rotations & get more into the player zone also there is not much you can do & girls crave the wild horse & to tame it etc. I've read some interesting stuff on a website about this personality analysis and beign open-minded = rebel tendencies & beign on the edge etc. Also what type of girls exist & what people told me etc. & notions generally speaking of sexual interest I am not quiet mentioning now, yet it's odd. 

Also there are more girls who like gaming & art, and some good friendships of mine came through gaming as fully beign at an elite level in any sports with this injury is just difficult. This is also why I appreciate Joe Rogan the guy has a level of fairness & interest in depth that is surreal. Way better man also than Andrew Tate. I could also not live that wildly and animalistical & primal as much & enjoy it anymore, although I was on that way. I would love to hunt my own meat in a sense & all of these drives are close to gone. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to listen to this, this is new the current practical orange is way to shitted with stuff, as 12 week cycle makes a lot more sense, also the long-term stuff & generally my results if it was in the range of 90 days it was 100% more effective etc. I find many stage orange marketers and stuff tell a lot of b.s I hope this get's more insight. I'll skip my meditation session & most likely do this and eventually tear down the goal section of the LP it's miss leading, and I'll completely deconstruct the LP course I don't think it is as good as it claims itself to be, there is a lot of science that has counter-evidence and a heavy bias towards survival of the bias etc. 

For example talent & hard-work etc. I also generally speaking had the best results doing 90 days cycles with less effort etc. etc. etc. etc. 

It's also the whole scam of stage orange business and abusing the good will of people .... Mostly.

Real-time note-taking:
 

• The post-it bias of variety is so freaking true, it never fking worked. 
• LEO IS CORRECT KEEP THE GOAL TO MYSELF & DON'T TELL THE WORLD..... IS THE MOST TRUE SHIT I LOVED THIS SO MUCH.... ALSO ANONYMOUSLY SHARING IS SO FKING GOOD YOU'D not believe it.
• PEOPLE BECAME SO CURIOSU ABOUT THIS ESPECIALLY MANIPULATIVE 4w5's I am not going to tell it simply anymore NOT EVER

This is so good for all the miss-clarification and sort of novel experiments I did with visualizations etc. It's also so good to let go & simply do etc. 

Also a 90 day financial goal feels also so real to do it & Then you an take a 10 day break or 14 day break. etc.

I am so hyped about this information dude I was training for fking triathlons .... also helps me to keep this gaming cycle in tact, I feel like my basal ganglia this do & w/e shit is so involved in this. 90 day bursts are also so effective. There are so many myths. Like how heavily sprinting improved my abillity to do endurance training was immense etc. 

I'd like to have one cardio day also, it feels so glorious to do cardio etc, yet for now I just listen to this all the structures I created can partially be taken down & used more effectively, especially I was very good on measureable goals & I feel people got offended due to this quantiative drive, as they feel judge & are insecure about this, especially american culture.

In europe people take this more seriously & there is a certain level of pride & love for this. I dunno. This helps also with the ideas from ChatGPT like doing a 90 day theme based specific measureable goal setting plan & executing on it not telling anyone & doing this deeply and intuitively I engraved so many healthy cue's the point is yeah I dunno the craving for novelty and variety at times is very real. I'll review the financial advise also with this, biology = survival is still immensely important to me, yet it's difficult to speak with anyone about this. 
 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The coin flip about random reward is extremely good. Also the point when I understand correctly to do the negative visualization for a couple of minutes, also coupled with the wisdom of subjective feelings of recalling positive past events, like evidence is extremely interesting to look at with intentions. In that sense recalling success is fantastic. Also to much negative visulization seems not to good. 

Also to simply do it and not to outsource it to meditation & intuition etc. & also only setting one goal, the rest are duties sort of etc. Also especially focusing on this & the naturalness of meditation. 

Also to review randomly the post-its etc. and to not have it in one place is important. To switch around art in that sense. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Wrote it down, keeping in mind principles of not sharing & identity shifts and intrinsic motivation how much is internal at times wonders me, also to keep my phone out of reach & schedule time slots etc. Also to keep using different verbs, when I write this it it, or this is fundamentally it, there is an empty abundant frustration behind it. Also all of the subtle planning etc. The shadow work will also make for one of the weirdest changes. I seem to match also more stable girls, I wonder what will happen if I get the new ball rolling and the old good work is put back into it's place what will happen to me success wise. 

I'll never ever tell my goals again, directly without consciously doing so. The point is this became such a normal part of sharing it is odd and I'd have to see how I engage in this. After having this I'd work on some social challenge & one goal in that sense. 

So, I'll work more structurally. I took away the LP stuff & see how much natural. 

The girl that liked me 100% worked as a model that opposite of bitter liberal is insane. I dunno at times. 

It's like liberals became the pragmatic boomers of their parents they have been meming about briefly watching this.
 

Briefly watching this. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I could ask also a photographer for a favour when I take new pictures for this modeling stuff. I enjoy photography art & also this vintage style etc. Is simply very erotic.

THE GUY IS PERFECT MAN THIS IMPRESSIONS OF ROMANCE ARE SO OVER THE TOP. Also this is sort of the point that I went through in my life recently, that I was so much in my head when I worked on my career when I went out, & meditation & exercise was the best way to still let go it's immense how quickly you get out of this toxic energy & can talk to people. I just never approached and seem to hone into this dark drive % edge also. 

I also was always semi-popular that is the odd space. Also Germany is extremely survival oriented. It's insane level of subtle materalism. The coolness was not of use when I did not provide that is the point & also I had issues with what people enjoy I could get better at enjoying contemporary culture etc. 

 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

So far this was the interesting due to the fact that socialization is a skill & I've experienced different forms of it, also becoming better socially there are different tool kits that do help from beign home & alone. 

Also beign introverted and such I'd have to see where & how I'd get my level of happiness etc. Also enjoying video games and such etc. I feel I am also close to selling & reaping the rewards of all the work and subtle visualizations that I've did owen, I'd also like to build some level of community or consistent socialization option, there is a point about deep skill & beign social like an actor or model has some level of deep skill & hence also get's unique social training that is authentic while a promotor or club promotor has to do a very wild and organic process, the other one is more structured and organic for example. My entire clientel would also be different as these are tech guys etc & I forgot usually how suffering can teach us a lot, yet the pain ridden immaturity of glee is one thing that held me back from diving deeper into it, as I noticed these people don't have attainments but serious trauma etc. 

Also the spiritual lifestyle can be highly social. I could still build the vision of doing what I yearned to do. I'd also love to befriend high stakeholder friends with deep skill, there are some qualms I'd can learn for example let's say I would meet Leo and there is this part of me that sort of is very enthusiastic and innocent, yet then I notice how I barely know the guy & when I am more real I notice wow I am the one more dominante for example and stronger & at best we focus on creating love. This is sort of the friendship dynamic I envision with other friends it's similar, also deep friendships are super rare. The setup I have for the social cricle gives me the perfect room for innocent exploring etc. 

I could also do psychdelics in a social field as I learn a lot of vibe type insights that are insane! This gives me a huge boost to build sort of a community & my own place to be with people at times. Yet, I have to get used to the single-minded goal setting and principles here first. Meditation and exercise has been the core pillars of my success and skill has been the best way to get more social opportunities. Right now I would also like to take the social skill of "bars & clubs" to a more IT centric world, where I feel this is all practiced more safely, without wild cult dynamics, as there is a strong baseline of orange moral code. 

It is like generating systematic options, which I have now I am even in the public line of IT so hence the most social. I would really like to market myself better, yet the exercise point is oddly hitting back currently. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also the point about beign popular me organizing doing all the planning was me becoming popular this wisdom is something I completely neglected, also streaming would help me with social skills immensely, as I'd be auto attuned to social cues & behaviour of beign watched by others etc. 

I also don't know if I should use OnlyFans at times to at least get in contact with extremely hot girls and see how their mind works, just to get a picture of this social skill. I also like how he was like the universe will give you exactly what you need having social options is one fun thing to do. Yet I dunno how to deal currently with this more intutively, as I don't make it my main vocal point. It's more something I'd like to consciously pay more attention to as it happens and take direct action, here. 

For example is eating with a friend a training in social skill? 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

is the emotional control I am gaining & coordination that I am doing a part of social skill? I am going to execute on this simply & get into the groove of beign more social again, even if that includes apologizing etc. Also some have been very rude to me subtely, this is why I still appreciate Leo & Owen in a sense. Even when I am an ass they sort of steal treat me as a human in development & I do the same with them  etc. etc. etc.

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Streaming might also help my social skills if there are really no options. Also the contraction meditation helps immensely to digest negative feedback and create the neutral line I create the whole time through mindfulness meditation etc. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It will generally speaking become an art form to be more like this. This is the challenge that I am seeking again a streamlined existence etc. and improving skills seeing value in the frustration & agony & that problems resolve themselves. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Confused a.f model type girl who can surrender and is into love & intimacy is openly direct from TIER 2, TIER 1 that thinks it's TIER-2 is subtely ray ray due to trauma and in denial about it & projects it and causes trigger & expresses it in profile. Odd, interesting observation that I vibe better with girls who like art, than girls who like culture. As culture has a more heavy ego stigma. 

It's like my self-love mantra comes back at me & my shadow comes back at me. At the sametime!?

The irony is my intention also worked & synchrodestiny type stuff, it's also an upgrade to begin made fun of from the street dog girl. The journey of dating & the irony of destiny is the irony of destiny. I should believe in it more maybe, it's also a weird thing that helps me to pair-bond with blonde people I dunno sharing odd observations. 

Edited September 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore