Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

To approach also from love is what my PUA friend did I was so fking shocked man. The guy was to conscious.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's see what will happen also the coders I've seen who are very very good in A.I stuff are all coming from love & compassion

[ValiantSalvatore]

Curious to see what these love visualizations will do I'll do it step by step also. The two systems and multiple systems work wise are also setup etc. so the thing really missing is love... this is also why I presume subtely, this random meditation already did weird changes let's continue...

It's okay finding strength here is better, than optimization frenzy I had enough of it. There is only so much possible it's so stage orange. I don't think it is healthy & wise to do. At one level, more on a yogic level I'd say it's really wise etc. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am very tired, yet this generally can work well. The actions I immediately took afterwards are actions I did not take in a full year. I'll again postpone stretching & see if the runs are really neccssary, it is not stretching in the evening is simply smarter work also on the "orange look". 

.... yet it is what it is. the training also might take up to 2h or so, it's not the best, yet let's just do it & stretch also in the evening and do my meditation and visualize the gains etc. This helped me when I was training very hard. I am not sticking also to any science just looking what works.... 

Another subtle thing I noticed is when I wake up and I turn on a stream I just become awake I am so curious about the gaming industry it helps me a lot to get rid of human stuff at times, especially when I am meditating I get a lof of stuff out. Wilbers perspective on evoultion are also way more enjoyable to me than average science guy 102. 

My new friends at least would listen to it more. Did not reply from the girl, was certainly from love... I could also do all of this also to work in the semester break out of love.... Also not beign so degenerate I was very very good on all of this & I have more "conscious friends" now, like we don' need to drink to hang-out etc. No big event just yo what's up let's see and look for interests... no fighting over interests etc. & to extrem comprimises. 

I'd also be better to look at Dr.Keith wisdom and not teal swan to much in terms of relationships it's not really the best angle for me. Seeing a master in this a true master without many flaws is rare. 

yet again first .... more love for life & purpose otherwise not much will be happening & stability... Let's hope this works even without a schedule... this would be full deepak chopra mode and more full turqouise otherwise I can't stomach fking yellow adaptive lifestyle anymore it's the worst part about yellow the functionality & adaptibility over and over again there is not depth.... I only get to root solutions with deeper network connections.

This sould help with projects, to just take the notes, some level of scheduling is important to remember dates eventually, yet there is no need to do all of this so meticuously.

Rather create beauty & a lean note-taking format. Then go balls deep into python etc. & relationships etc. company also pays stuff, yet yeah idk I have to see how much energy and do visualizations where I get more into the team, I've been subtely sabotating this due to not giving myself love... etc

Edited August 27, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I post these in the morning do everything without a timetable besides larger dates & events and keep this in my phone then etc. Or write it down... this works...let's live more from intuition. Yellow will complain about turqouise lax attitude I've never felt I've fully been there, yet after this yes... this is it... so to speak.... I have just not been giving it myself. Chasing fake depth & sparkles of whatever there is....
 

I love the weather swings currently also...

This is way better without the hectic stuff etc. I can also use the resiudal time for personal research etc. *sigh*.... 

Edited August 27, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also don't know why I have this drift in me to watch degenerate and immature people at times knowing how influencable I am.... I'll report tomorrow morning etc. 

Also reading for wisdom is fking different way way different reading.

[ValiantSalvatore]

What is also odd through being authentic and showing a little bit more lifestyle very hot young girls like men who I know are more compatible in nature. 

It's odd letting go, let's generally still do what I did and still be minimalistic. No running... Less coffee more peppermint tea omfg this is the elixir of energy I did not know that this gives so much energy.

On my phone... it's a bit painful to go through this I am a bit happy to have quitted the online-drama of happy chasing through Instagram it is so unhealthy. I really enjoy more introverted girls also even extroverted introverted, not to intellectual, yet maybe that changed due to wisdom value and I just don't care ? I feel less threatened that others also call me stupid. Acting from wisdom is not really intelligent imo. 

Uhm... peppermint tea also has been my elixir noticing I clean for beauty and not clarity, yet I love the pristine feeling is good. Doing strength training is also good. This routine is rough 

This is good & easy to do & excellent for my I jury as deep squats focuses on glutes more. 

Otherwise yeah this is better and low effort. 

I hope this will not corrupt myself the routine will be very exhausting the trainers are not very good, so I unconsciously become unclear a bit there is no adrenaline of omfg I am wrong. 

Let's expend less effort and be more efficient. I also dunno the girls I've been getting in contact with seem to have good daddy relationships ? that is odd, only time spent due to work might be a small factor, yet this is normal. I am usually pretty normal if not triggered on purpose for power & money. Let's see maybe I find something through these meditations and yeah the shadow work is good even if it's sorta placebo at times. Let's see if I can get to 160kg bench at the end of the year 180 would be crazy, yet it's my main focus. Then mobity of squats and strengthing stuff I dunno how healthy I can be and get injured. I won't buy running shoes that is for sure I rather take a walk & invest in relationships. 

Etc. Also uhm... I am curious how flexibility affects tripping. Y that is about it. Simply come from more love, never been very good at being rational maybe logical to some extend, yet not rational and common sense yes, yet common sense applied is like 60% of the time it feels so pragmatic at times I feel a bit of the inner burn of the inner critic and perfectionist. Curious if with this I'll get around retreats and actively psychedelic depth and reading rewiring neurons is so important. My life is so different from these 20 minutes etc. Sharing also is way better than insighttimer the yellow phase sort of me comes to an end, I see more value fully moving into tq emotionally especially 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Instagram is also more healthy than online-dating apps they are so catered towards b.s. Yeah, I hope with these visualizations I get the power to work on real projects again the uncertainty made me crazy of sorts...

It's odd to realize I am more logical than rational. Whatever the exact difference is, logic also feels so stupid to generate omfg love will heal.... Also logical patterns and the pristine clarity in this.... I dunno why rationality is not my thing I notice I asked ChatGPT, well still hm.. love & logic odd things I am contemplating here maybe I could be a good daddy ? and be cool. Last thing today is posting tomorrow keep track of what gets you up in the morning maybe it's just love. Without "life" this is a bias by mother. Also how tf can the forum have 4.2k guests.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Girl deleted me I went through my mind and thought how long it will take to finish my studies there is no way doing psychedelics is effective for me. There are to few successful role models in this & the preparedness generally for their lives I did not have that if I ever do it then once or twice a year. 

I briefly went through why this brute force approach does not work for many and they equate it with success, it is partially hatred & it is an approach that can work only if you're better prepared to brute force with will...... 

No, does not work. I thought about how long it will take to finish my studies, as I procrastinated and it took me so long to find some inner strength etc. Also how often people subtley attack you for their own selfish gains, I hope the hatred willl leave them like the racist guy here burnt and depressed. There is no love in your actions...

All in all it is okay I feel better with this routine and value change it's only also 90h it is less of work that is missing by not doing the seminar in that sense. It has been difficult for me and I don't like at times how media culture forms my work relationships to others based on perceptions. Moreover I gain valuable experience.

Most of my internal pains and bad relationships stem from though love over empathy, communication and love. I'll certainly still hope I can do this meditation gave me a lot of strength I don't have the luxury to bait girls with hobbies. Traveling is smith. I valued consciousness so much I'd cared more for retreats and I travelled also plenty, it does not help a career that much. I dunno I felt people lacked respect towards me, especially in terms of what I can or could do & act quiet animalistic at times. Right now I just see that doing these is tricky then to pick-up even a new hobby is so time consuming like climbing etc. I don't even like it that much, yet I will continue etc. Good friend said the same in terms of dating, yet first of let's get of the phone...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post got lost due to timer I am on the pc now, I still hope for the more true girl and the other one who said she is busy with two jobs & studying I don't have this energy anymore due to injury I would be lying. All in all not doing the paper is foolish generally speaking arrogance is one of the most hindering emotions I encountered. I'll be doing a love type meditation soonish & post about it then focus more on my work & write an apology e-mail. All in all this is more what I yearned for and wanted. Deleting these apps feels also good it's so paradoxical, that when you look good etc. Yet display no status etc. Girls just flake especially young girls the decadence and materalism even by the ones not caring is surreal. 

I don't know what to think at times, yet deleting the apps besides the one who gives me a more realistic and less toxic feel is good. Tinder is by far the worst, it just does not work and makes it look so easy, and there are way way more girls also. 

I am glad my mother at times writes me how are you and I love you. Looking forward to these visualizations and proper bed timing etc. I am so disappointed with my life, self & friends it's still immense. That is also why I'd love beign an artist my life would be more filled with the good friends and more exciting etc. I am not happy how my 20's went and some of Leo's advice has not been the best in terms of going intuitively about academia. The rigid rational and calculated approach works, yet not to long for me. For me my life in the morning fundamentally stems from my intuitive actions & not strength alone... I also don't know how desperate and needy I am and I don't like it at all when people call me like this as it does not feel that way it also happens rarely as it's  so counterintutive and it's often I give and provide from love and then others call it needy while they have been needy the whole time etc.

I dunno I hope this will just be better I'll leave this post for now.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Focusing on work and mingling with people there is smarter than university, this time is so long over. If I don't come from love doing this it will also be over for me, there are plenty of great opportunities, I just wish I could have made it more in a different field, the switch is still massive and there are constant switches and newness it's an issue. Also this is an opportunity for leadership. I just focus on the right things more.... I don't experience that much joy as I would have. 

I also don't do well when people cheer for me predictabilly, if it's a routine idc, yet some are so predictable who act like others are predictable it's a red flag of beign an asshole. 

I feel a bit better not doing the seminar. Even though it would have not been much. I have a serious issue also with inside jokes I notice because of lack of proper belonging. As well as secure information & people acting with certainity to not be the left one out based on information and then they leave out information, and act oh this should have been clear.... I dunno I hope the work type relationships will be better than university till now it definitely seems so. 

Let's see I dunno. The issue of isolating myself and doing the work etc. Men are so bad even nowadays at friendships and mutal support. Idk anymore. Priding myself on work is something I have to install, for me this has been such a looser mentality as this is all there is to your existence your work... I dunno, this might also just be because of single-mother household, although I had my grandma as an influence etc... 

Edited August 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's hope for the best normal meditation usually gives me the best type of possible uplifting. I will focus more on work also.... more and retreats this usally is better than pure psychdelics, psychdelics really should be the cherry and not the main practice & tool. I don't think it'll work.

I will also not do psychdelics anytime soon cannabis might be the only thing that is workable LSD & such does not really work for me. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Taking LSD again, I dunno what else to do then it's gone I don't do well storing stuff knowing the purity & beauty issue so to speak, just a little bit at times can be to much. So yeah & I'll also do some for advanced tripping my friends are all so real I care more about depth of experience & I know why ppl did LSD & party. To much & it's to existential. Also since I am making some money now, I might go out and do game & such. I'll blow off the seminar & focus on this Shinzen also has been the only true teacher besides Leo & also Deepak Chopra. The ralston stuff is way to heady and isolating, it misses to much love. Shinzen has a lot of love to give on a subtle level if you leave him alone, especially. He is the most well-rounded master I have ever meet. 

So takign 150 mcg. Doing the 1h positive visualization intention is to live a life of love & depth & work out of love, not money. Be succesful out of joy & love and not money etc. Tomorrow I'll be working it's usually in experience better for me if this stuff is out of the house. I'll meditate also after a while & post about the trip here. I'll write the e-mail also to a professor I still take massive honor & pride sort of doing this work in a psychdelic state. My workouts legit were psychdelic only through meditation and shadow work and the occasional psychdelic I could go into these depths cry and love and come out again with a lot of power and energy, yet yeah here I am. 3 trip this year now. It's fine... 

Might do some enhanced shadow work also through writting when I notice depth patterns. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

LSD is slowly coming on, I briefly watched the structure of reality thing, this is fundamentally what the love type meditation would reval and visualization. I am unsure if I do it, if I don't take action I don't feel it. Yet I still do it etc. Also the joy of doing good work and to visualize this. I miss this true depth of good orange and not the optimization shallow b.s 

Edited August 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is by itself a pretty deep state that I got into it is immense how much sexual desire I crave & to consciously visualize love I also really badly need to see a different place and walk etc. I thought and had some insights about some things, yet ultimately this really depends on work. To be exact I am 3 minutes short on meditating the full hour. The level of desire and sex I crave is absurd. Absolutely absurd. Also some other existential stuff. How much is related to sex energy and desire is so odd. Also the fear of building and creation is real. It might be good that I am training chest muscles. 

There is more fear in creating the life that I want and I sort of see the older fears stemming from my mother beign afraid of dying alone & this is in my entire family. I just notice. While I have the complete opposite of the end from the perspective of having a father. 

Also desire and impatience... maybe this is why many men are fat. Anywy I am going to enjoy my trip. I did 1h of meditation and the longer I would go the deeper I would unravel my entire reality more every strand and layer. Watching & listening to the right channels is also important the real practice also beats. Psychdelics still these states are so novel anything can happen truely. These are certainly the type of trips where I am angry that I am not working and developing myself, then I see the exact reality & result I would get from my world. 

My intentions certainly are there & implanted. I just sort of have to come to grips what a giant the tech industry truely is. It is also better to see that what I am doing comes from goodness & also have a deep desire I will not know what will happen in the tech industry in 30 years specifically. With all of the A.I stuff, I hope we can grow good food at one point. 

Also with all of this I am visualizing having more young people infront of me etc. It's heavy when I did the exercises from david deida how long these sexual energies were awake, with all the wisdom I consumed it's better for me to start loving objects and materials the fundamental structure of it. Meditation is insane this state would not be so amped if I would not have meditated for 1h. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Difficult to comprehend and describe what I am going through, yet I'd do well consistently executing on higher intuitions now, for the sake beign. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post from 2h ago got lost. The biggest issue I might seriously have is when it comes to flesh and panic, and seeing old people around me & I now there is like a deep intuition like death almost facing. It is so weird & idiotic this terror. When my grandma passed away she was just gone. 

Also meditation & gym are almost a must. Still visualizing all of this is the biggest mistake I underwent and did not error out sort of. Also the current professor I will have I will ask them more about the future of this stuff, as I am more interested as a whole in this story line also. Some of this I get it really why this is for mathematicians etc. 

I am go watch some epsiodes of leo it's still odd, to realize how to do all of this and it's really good now if I can get some solidity now more and more. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is an extremely good example to listen to this currently.

I am mastering EQ a lot apparently more in life listening to this. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I was surprised to see this trump shit I forgot also how american news sort of kept me alive, to a certain time to witness and laugh at the b.s, it's great seeing it come to an end. Gives me overall less fear. I never thought about actively contemplating this. Also to see trumps immaturity, I've been listening to so much globalist type of news outlets my worries, are completely somewhere else usually. 

Makes me trust America as a whole a lot more.

[ValiantSalvatore]

The maturity epsiode is really excellent. There are still massive fears. I have in regards to success & maturity also sort of the excesses and immaturity of other. 
 

This music is also the most excellent type of music I've ever come close to listening. I bet masculine compassion at a casual state would feel like this. 

Although at times I really have enough of it. I still have to write the professor & the biggest commitments I have been running from are social as well as guilt socially of when I know I waste time with people etc. 

Also this learning coach I've watched made a great point I noticed when studying & asking for help. 

Edited August 28, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore