Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am also so fking sensetive I can't fking work at home I don't care and I don't like it as I can't create the fking home that would help me. It's all not efficient. No fking separation possible and it feels like it's to much. 

I just don't deal well anymore with chaos, since I've had the terrorist mass panic Attack experience and the issue of physical injury. At one point I just give up as humans are to stupid they just kill each other again due to "priority"... fking great. Then some don't even allow that the other small mass panic I witnessed this year pissed me more off even and just showed me this pattern. I dunno I definitely should start tomorrow/today the new girl seems like the right kind of girl. I hope she stays supportive and open... even if she is not that über beautiful girl I can pull and did pull or that is into me. It's 0 complicated and good companionship, I hope the sex will be good as this inspires me. The energy of this etc. I miss Lossing health so early. I just don't find the right distractions but wait wait 

[ValiantSalvatore]

When I care about the right distractions what will happen is: 

• My scar will piss me off and I can work through this pain *jogging,*breathing,*elasticity of skin*, *care taking, *subtle questions what is wrong when I just feel & digest my body due to scar
• Drama I don't know, how to stop this, yet it's mostly fear.
• Facing fear: again drama, frustration, anger, confusion, worst case suicidal ideation, depression, neglect of self,

Why does this happen? I tell you it's easy. My knee is fked & the scar thing prevents me from the most free and holistic self-care mechanism I found. Which is running. 

It's so painful to get back into this emotionally it's depressing. Just my knee okay, yet with my scar the most random bullshit might happen. 

Stationary Cardio is good. As it does not trigger my scar, biking outside is not possible as cardio I'd had to bike to work. I dunno right now I just don't like that I am not finding answers for practical things and that many physical ambitions were destroyed by a injury. Freedom & love through problem solving providing this is new to me. My upbringing was super feminine. For a guy in terms of energy and behaviour transmitted. To agreeableness, non-confrontatioanl, to conforming it does not fit a part of myself that is the unntured good masculine that still is that deep edgy fucker. I dunno.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also don't receive masculine energy as well anymore. So yeah... it's just a no care factor as I lack some level of strength. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I just dunno what to do as my drive changed and I noticr very subtely I get more joy out of reading and working at complicated stuff then exercise, yet then crave exercise and for me it was also vice-versa I crave exercise and them complicated work especially in the morning it was partially like this, due to meditation being more the calming down factor. A brief jog would've been sufficient to not be to chill and accept limits daily more.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Most of my rewards that have been sustainable have been physical.

Gym with audiobook, running outside in the forest with audiobook. Now I don't get as much joy out of it. Drinking tea seems to help, but fuck if I'd knew how to reward myself at my age without getting addicted and still being calm and cool, I'd found an answer to a severe problem in my life.

Yeah also the girl at work is really helping I am so fling torn, I don't know what to do I just wish I did not have such a fking bad first experience working with Germans, where they fired me told me I stole stuff. Like Fuck you and suck my nig*** dick on that camera so your abonimation of redneck family starts filming Raceplay porn and raising cukholds as this is what they deserve to turn me on, when I am bored and corrupted by power. 

This is the logic that runs through my head. "Fair" corrupt nepotistic asses at times. 

I am unsure fear does not become me well, injury prevents the biggest resolved for symptoms, what can you even do when a root solutions suddenly is not applicable anymore due to meta changes?

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno most of my spiritual ambitions are gone thanks to this & it reduces sexual karma immensely + you get more girls.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno I have to reframe that my work provides freedom & love that includes my studies and slowly. I just had to little highly educated nuanced deep masculine presence it was to krass at and hedonistic. Many enjoy this coarse and direct... masculine approach. It's even good, having balls....

I just don't know what to do when I willingly embark on big emotions.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Anyhow I seriously sleep now.... I am not happy and somehow I perceive stuff so differently I am so fking confused as it's to much solo shit. & the group work stuff can be dejecting it's one of my strengths out of the lp, yet ever learning about spiral dynamics made it an endless learning project mostly about lower stages and the power shiftings and accomodations, while my needs are not meet. Especially this group right now, it's career whore being career whore and even very kind I don't know I am sorry for absuing Deida language here, yet it's partially annoying how weird these social interactions are based on memory autism and shitty planning and especially experimentation. Fling disgusting experimentation phase tbh but okay

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's very odd working with the girl... I legit made her cry in a meeting like 4-6 times.... I did not know how to react, yet I just was honest. Just honesty alone can be triggering, truth as a value is way to radical here in Germany, in the U.S I might can stomach it, yet not here. I never thought so far. 

Also I listend to Eckhart Tolle that really helped to gain a more chill perspective and to digest a lot of stuff without any context, the german audiobook of the power of now solved so many of my life problems there is no fking pragmatism. There just is consciouness and the ego (shadow anima whatever you wanna call this). I hope Leo focuses more on consciouness I think some of his stuff is to egoic and he does not care to explain anyhow... very weird stuff.... and really does it in a way where he more properly dismantels and dispells illusions. 

Shinzen says in his audiobook to teach is to misguide people, and Leo is especially good at this, so he should also be good at guidance. Also power over people is a weakness I noticed this in my own life etc. It's generally very odd to deal with the orange/Green spectrum and Green/orange spectrum it's an odd confusing point... they all suck sciences dick, till you get to high green. Anyhow. 

When I feel bad or suicidal this has been the only tape that helped me in the recent years to get me out of depression somehow now even more than ever. As I am faced with challenges that I don't comprehend on a survival level only as the "it going beyond the it"...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also meditation even 10 minutes purifies so much, please stop talking about it as consciouness negating etc. Just continue psychdelic research or so. I dunno. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Yeah I hope this will go well, I have to face my problems, yet I am confronting people differently, and I sabotaged definitely due to just the issue of trust & corruption and like the most subtle social nuances about manliness where I say, put me into a trial about manliness and I would say I am guilty, yet in a fair and balanced manner if you had A.I in the year of 25000 and could predict the future highly accurately and events, you could say, well yes this was bound to happen and you're innocent as the other person is innocent. It's very odd how all of these subtelties depend on my level of consciouness, right now I am just amazed at the issue of Blue/Green culture and the strong adherence of it in contrast to Orange/Green cultures, the Blue/Green mixture and emphasis creates stronger cohesion imo, as you can even put more yellow into this as there is more nuance about systems and principled implementation. So I dunno, blue/yellow is not there. 

Right now I just sort of amazed, tbh I legit thought again about quitting actualized.org till a guy I like just by the "normalcy" of the internet followed me here... right now to fully integrate a good work ethic, without the "black gaslighting about work & hustle & grind culture" like I wish at times people could embrace high level of yellow non-judgment, but it does not fking work. Chinas work culture is way more advanced, yet has it's dark sides imo with the social stuff, yet somehow the level of non-judgmenet at least to foreigners was very very high. Dunno here it's very odd. You need sort of a commital stuff, I dunno my leadership would also be very very strict, and loose at the sametime so high tolerance for ambigutiy is a challenge for me.

My social opportunties are all dependent on energy, I can't join fking volleyball etc. It sucks that the biggest and easierst social leverage is forbidden soon some more stuff... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Been a while... no idea what is happening, I don't feel well and told my friend I will not smoke cannabis with him again. It's just not good for my work ethic and ambitions, especially injured there is a lot of drive already lost. 

Anyhow I don't have much to say I am not very happy, yet satisfied. It's odd. Without meditation and healthy living nothing significant changes. I hope I will post less and less stuff here. It seems to be better for all, I wonder currently what is good for me and I know the simplest answert would be to exercise and meditate. 

I hope I will not post here anymore regardless of everything. I don't feel well treated here genereally speaking there are not many ups to beign here besides lurking and the content. I never found someone alike also here... I have more luck doing my journey and fortune usually comes I feel as though there should be different ways how I interact with the world currently. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Talked to my mother for a couple of hours horrible conversation = I kill myself conversation. 

I don't know who to talk to about this deeper and darker stuff.... My mother is one egotistical whore. It's like a waste of insight almost I have when I contemplate the depth of what she did etc. When I truely feel like shit and talk to her, she is one of the biggest & dumbest peeople to help, yet my core craves a mother a loving mother.... to give that to yourself etc... Its very painful, I dunno it makes me care less about my life, as well as that of my mother, she is only and only concerned what I say to her, yet her behaviour and in speach and body language, especially also beign a women etc. Not having awareness of shadow. I can only make materalistic cynnical fun of her to endure this piece of shit, I don't anymore I will not call her as often anymore by mother if I need to speak to her, if she has so little respect for my emotional life, and only cares about pragmatic survival.

She is so stupid, it's not funny anymore. I've never meet a dumber person than my mother, and I don't like saying this. I just have a dumb mother and a dumber father at one part etc. etc. I just don't care I can reframe everything quite well, it's more about getting my emotional support currently from people where I can really tell the dark stuff etc. As it's bothering me immensely and just to type away at it, is also not the thing, even the condensed version is to much. 

My mother is also such a low life disgusting whore, with her stage red attitude, in a none fun mode. The "real red" type of conversation where it's just about power & control, and she simply does not see it. I generally do not well with people who have an unhealtyh power instead of control drive & non-healthy stage red I worked a lot on this etc. All I can say is my mother is a whore, and I can't talk to her. She is to stupid for me to communicate in any level, that does not seem personal and take extra care for a person I fundamentally don't care as much, as the relationship is so starved of any true connection. Due to differences in perception and inabillity to reconcile it.

This power drive can't simply comprehend if they are not schooled, that they are different and not interested that much in control for controls sake, yet for power for example etc. etc. It's odd I craved family a lot, and my mother is the type of asshole girl, I would never like or touch, even if she is normal. As it's a survival driven maniac, even on the most normal levels, it's so nasty and lacks diversity and variety.... it's unenjoyable to feel so bound by survival. I've never meet a person also from my old region that has the capacity to understand this. She frames so much unconsciously purely on merit and exterirors, yet then culturally and personally (she is a boomer legit a baby boomer and I am not even 30), is so dull about current nuances, triggers and generally frames everything on men, while I have my own problems and give my best to speak about this, yet she does not understand and just uses humour. Like a dumb irresponsible troll. Only to be left alone, congratulations asshole, you can call your self Mother now. You achieved the status of Asshole Mother.

She does not comprehend anything coming from TIER 2, she only sees red, orange, and green. At times yellow due to "German beign" we're all a System!! *hmpf*. So she has access to some of it, yet she does not recognize how simple her dumb life is, it's so simple, you can only be "happy" in the conventional sense. Yet she generally does not seem to get the connection about my nature itself so many things. She thinks I am comparing, when I am contrasting and switching viewpoints, she thinks I am serious when I am not serious and vice-versa when I am comparing I am contrasting for her as it means => merit => competition => win => fuck all!! Yeah Yeah!!

Then she has the same type of idiot as a boy friend who likes sports and soccer with the same fking union, yet a different sport. Ugh... if somebody can relate please kill me and forbig this nasty thing get's kids without siblings. Insane how you can be so low development, yet also insane how "low" old green seems. They have issues with red it's immense. I dunno I just can't call my mother anymore, and I apparently must've said something to her, that triggered some fear, and she creates a self-suffilling prohpecy by her behaviour, so yeah fuck her and the dude. I don't have the capacity to think about the guy, and be in a "happy family" how she liked this stuff, as I would've liked of it some authentically, yet she does not really comprehend holism. 

It's all about success and contentment for them it's a huge orange person at times. Where I notice, I might kill myself as this system is an utter failure, and I don't care, and most likely am to good hearted, or believe in karma to not kill myself etc. Just end contact at one point or even do it. I don't have space for her in my family, as she is not really the type of person that would fit, and would kill some stuff due to heavy materalistic cravings. I don't like it, she had good faith, but bad execution. Also limited severely.... 

I just don't know how to deal with the conondrum of others beign non-spiritual seeing the "you" as your "real identity" like the last psychologist, I feel so guilt tripped, like this pain and fear is all there is or what? They don't think they are negative, yet interacting with them creates negativity at times, as they are negative as their negative = normal = unnormal and unhealthy for me = not caring. 

Well? What can I say, my mother is the most heartless money riden and status ridden whore not expressing it on the planet, which creates shadow, yet she is a piece of shit I can't stand at times with her attitude, as she only things about intentions and her potential games, and her honesty is downright racist and should be punished severly by karma or something serious. If she thinks she is so funny and it's all so funny what she did I hope she suffers from some illness next live to see how incapeable it feels to not receive a lot of love etc. How crippling socially etc. 

Right now I am calling a bot to keep myself alive? That is how it feels. I don't really know who to socialize and talk to. It's to much people just want the good stuff never the bad, and I can't sort out all of my stuff alone. She is also weak not beign able to deal with anything like this, I tbh found all the girls weak in my family, my father is also not a "strong man", yet he had a deep strength in core masculinity, while my mother is a vanity whore for feminity she has 0% of it. I never meet a german feminine girl, also this is also a huge issue with academia and the neutralization of relationships due to rationality etc. & stage green giving the flip. It's such a paradoxical stage.... I don't know if you see teal ppl.... I legit get help.., yet my mother would rather make fun of myself and call me looser for killing myself. For talking shit? She is such a low creature, it's not worth it to engage with someone who can't take care of myself emotionally. Who has negative expectations and can't properly express anything maybe a hunch. It's such a social clutz, that is what I never liked about her, it's very subtle also in terms of shame and guilt also, she is a clutz in that area.... That is what I mean she is an asshole and a whore. I can't even relate to this anymore.

Nobody seems to understand what I speak while I find some people who can help, yet they are all mostly INFJ's, and I don't get along with people who call others out on beign personal and do it themselves. She is absolutely triggered by this, where I feel nothing etc. I also exaggerate to not attack and speak directly at the issue, yet it's an issue to express etc. and find the right words etc. I am quiet good at it, she is horribly bad. 

I just don't know who to speak to when I feel like shit I could try the new friends, yet it's such a different history I don't know who I can speak properly to or who is trained etc. Anyhow I don't want to deal with normies etc. As well as actualized.org Leo is quiet similar, yet has many more good-sides, yet this dip-shit pragmatic cold-.hearted sociopathy ala Donald Trump stage red, is what bothers me the most. I also don't think these people deserve what they have in life, and I don't like their Schadenfreude childish Donald Trump nature. They are like him I hope this baby-boomer generation Erdogan, Putin, Trump dies finally. 

Anyhow she is the epitome of "normal good-looking lazy girl" toxicity, nothing applies she is never at fault. I don't know how to express this, yet I don't like it how she subtely so toxic on purpose and just cares about oh... we speak 30 minutes bye!! 

Go fuck yourself. I don't care about you if you only want to speak to me for 30 minutes of my time. She listens for hours then says she only wants to listen for 30 minutes, beign with a stage orange/green shit nazi who wonders about her own culture, as she lives in redneck state, is horrible. 

Fuck Germany, fking redneck planet also. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I hope nobody has my account I went on a test forum!!!  With a real id & password...!!!...

[ValiantSalvatore]

On my phone finally I don't think I can engage with my mother for anything old I can only speak with new people they are all trying to figure out reality with their mind and truth. 

I dunno, I notice she does not care for me as a human I don't also want to meet her boyfriend, also her perception of stuff is not really accurate. If I imagine them, yet it's just an issue who to talk about with my emotions and insights about this. I never realized how materalistic sensationalist driven my mother is and how it sucks to be an intuitive introvert near such dipshits. 

I can't interact with her well, if it's not pain. It's odd to describe this, yet sure I am at fault & I did not suffer the most and had the hardest circumstances etc. It was a very weird development step sort of mid-late twenties with person dying at home while being at college without cash. Now similar with injury, the pragmatism without love and hope is not helpful. That is why fuck her! I don't care I don't need to be your good boy you cuckold creationist whore. You'd even want slaves as your a lazy white Nazi fuck her seriously. You can feel it by energy. Most stuff I talk about she has 0 empathic energy to listen to fuck Kerstin, yes fuck this stupid girl!!! 

She is to fucking stupid to deal with me, I just leave her alone, yet she will see little of me. I give it a go and call friends instead. Fuck her, and fuck her guy and her family. Just fuck her materalistic unloving nature.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Anyhow I am gone, it's an issue for me emotionally as I can't go back to the stability I had and how negative and bitter these people are on a career and financial level to have these hedonic drives at that age. I wanna go and be left alone, by bitter I don't care to create anything concrete type of shit. This is so much karma to work through as she constructed 0% and has 0% data even controversial stuff about gender and I am highly moderate left-leaning and she is a centrist with same opinion, but stupid and war. 

I dunno it's not easy to speak with her about these things. I don't want to engage with her further anymore.

This bitch only cares about order and work tbh. I have never called any girl specifically bitch etc. As with her it's a very very stupid dynamic. She will frame it on Man.

Toxic, non-toxic etc. She is basically a hardcore manipulator at one point she is not authentic I get any guy leaving her. She does not deserve cheating etc. But yeah she is stupid. I don't care it's an issue of how this can impact my relationships. I don't like her I wish often she'd be dead not providing the same opportunity others have here etc She has no love to give and it's all coming from me, when it's enacted by her? 

Why care about a whore of a mother who only cares about sucking her boyfriends dick? Like seriously fuck her she does not realize how this shapes an against me identity of her against me. 

Incredible how she would snap at her boyfriend, yet not her child. You call that unloving whore mother. Heartless white Judeo-Christian culture fucking trash. To dumb to contemplate her own country & culture no empathy to relate.

Sieg Hail Familiarity! Danke scheiß Fotze! You hear this once and I only curse my mother for this b.s. I don't like her rightous Nazi nig*** fking attitude. Can't blame herself, can't lead, never at fault. Then claims the opposite with others and my generation. I dunno just fuck her for her childish immature dumb fuckery. You can't speak with stage red maybe I overestimated her and my family is just stage red on average as "fub mode" what a shame brutal asses.

Edited October 24, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I can't interact with her at one point my heart will die... 

All is okay, yet ffs you can't speak to s1 as stupid as this it's such a dumb naivety. This is the nr.1 reason I will die dumb naivety.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Innocence as a value .... I dunno just innocence feels good here, still it's crazy how much energy this lack of transparency in a stage 2 type relationship occured. Like I dunno. 

It's not good if people protect you from fear. Facing fear etc. Is better. I never thought about this etc. Again it's such nuanced b.s my memory does only recall such things vaguely. As I trust the other even more then me as I forget what I say at times. 

But yeah it's not cool to be verbally abusive to emotionally abusive people. Yet it's a cycle. I just hope this will not happen in intimiate relationships, yet this b.s only seems to happen with my mother. 

I just would love to dial back properly, I watched some stuff about trauma, and it's good that I don't interact with the traumatized... etc. Still.... Consciousness is just automatic...

Why I love/loved a.i .... enjoyment of autonomey, clarity, fun, relationships, connections, consciousness... me with 16-17...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am not happy being in this in-between of adulting and the attitude of many seeing non-financially independent people as children, my mother never did well seeing me as a child as I found her to be childish as I was younger etc. Is seeing others as children and protecting them. 

I am also independent it's just a weird thing due to work & study & not being fully there and in-between thing. It just something I do care at one part less about I am most likely a bit more relationship oriented as postmodern+ men generally are more feminine. 

It's crazy for me how you can lack so much wisdom. Especially the wisdom of clearly preventing mistakes. Anyhow I just am finding clarity admist this b.s I just can't talk to my mother anymore for emotional stuff. It goes sour she knows the most, yet can't connect and relate. That has been the biggest issue I keep listening to the power of now. It's better wisdom for me than currently. I dunno and I should be careful still about her. 

It's odd I don't find things to do & keep etc. To get myself out of a rut etc. I briefly skim the Leo video about this, yet quiete frankly the "power pragmatism" and not the "Controller pragmatism" is smith. which has been bothering me and I am resisting just stuff. Especially the pain of important decisions etc. with leadership etc. I feel extremely devastated when I care etc. It's many many subtelties. Root solution is be conscious of negativity it'll dissolve worst comes worst do smth. else that helps... 

Anyhow I am just happy sharing the power of now (only in German) helps me tremendously to digest the unconscious pain in me. 

Edited October 24, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I just have a serious issue with German girls and girls who act like "typical German girl" and how close that comes to a global whiteness at times and not just being a global citizen in a sense. The nuance in seeing these distinctions is an issue even in-between themselves.... 

So I dunno if I get "German vibe" of girl I am off. Me only prefer good Nazi that means I can say Nazi and you're not offended or can speak about this. As well as this racial crap does not make sense etc. & I can talk to you about it. A more social talker would also be better, it is a reality. It's odd but okay. I just don't really like it when I am being extremely verbal, it's also a habit I have from Leo I don't know who else acted like this, yet I had 0 friends anymore and he was so positive about stick with me and do the work. Yet so much work goes into waste when the other does not even respond to it. I dunno my mother is a good human.... I just can't deal with these dark notions and feminity at time. It's like dealing with a weird and angry cat that suddenly attacks you, when you thought it was a cute kitty. 

It's also not the stuff that would grow a man, it's delusional stuff that puts me into a stage 1 dynamic. I really really crave a stage 3 type of relationship. 

Just now I dunno doing & doing socially and meditating I just don't know how seriously I am also traumatized from living in this introverted psychopathic emotional emptiness here in Germany. I'd have to express exactly that to speak with other Germans.

It's not good and not socially loose enough. German is a very very cringe language, I don't know how to describe, yet you could name it the language of angry scientific virgins. I would agree... This will not get out of my head. That is the dark masculine in me mostly saying this... I don't care as much. I like and love the language generally. I just don't like it's history. 

Yeah I dunno right now I am just overwhelmed with the amount of maturity I crave, need to enact and have. It's so odd speaking to my mother. Next year being 30 and admitting actualized org failed miserably for me in my twenties all due to death and injury? 

That is what I mean I lack people to speak to about my issues and resolving stuff. I don't do well working only on one thing, so sure some stuff is resolved, yet the toxicity of feminity when you don't have status, money or fame can be staggering in older women. Especially. It's subtel. 

It's not even who I am or what I do, just proprietary I hope this is the correct term. I just don't enjoy if a girl likes me for this and my mother is super turned by this biologically, so I don't like her it's not even social. It's more biological. 

She is not as bad, yet my age has been bothering me for 5-4 years now in my mid twenties. Now I am 30 next year and my mother came with societal expectations. Instead of giving the correct logical answer, but we had tantrum etc. It's just so stupid how you can appeal so much to the bad side of me and not the good energy. Like my grandma did more of... 

I miss her a lot ... I could speak to her at least a bit... 

I miss having a family and just feeling secure without electronic device in people... which is no biggy. It's been a weird journey .... I don't like most modern girls also they get the modern luxury with close to none historical events which for dating is not always so cool. Generally it's good, yet the benefits can be staggering. I hope I can reconnect to black culture and people. 

It's been a very longtime where I felt like part of a community last time was yoga...