Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

In bed when I consider excellence generally speaking it's just good to have it as an attitude and do as much as you can. Then to be consistent and discipline is just the killer, when you can deal with the emotional maturity of beign very disciplined. 

I get very frustrated when I am disciplined and don't get results. Also talking to strangers is odd due to be going out when I was 14 and we talked to so many strangers. It's only more of a numbers & connection game. Idk about vision for example and knowledge I could exchange knowledge for intuition and make a distinction, currently I don't fully reiterate each value section as it's work I don't implement. When I just focus on the life purpose more as of a process than an achievement things flow more organically. Although since I have this strong excellence drive and I notice how much work stuff can be I dunno. Skill building & having a concrete objective is not easy so far. Especially as no one really controls the quality of my work. 

I don't know how to put it, yet what is missing is simply a deep spiritual connection? I keep listening to very high consciousness stuff, I don't vibe with materalist scientist, mostly Sam Harris stuff if, also the intellectual game is somehow not my world. All I notice is personally I love feeling excellent and doing excellent work. I just am not that sacrificial as others with their free time about this. I dunno if I'd make the effort to have a girlfriend how much time I'd have for video games etc. I also enjoy the consciousness experience of a video game the most. I just dunno I personally feel I'd do better with a 9-5 as I have legit free time and I lived like this for a longtime sort of the game of cleaning, eating and preparing is not that enjoyable to me, yet when I give my best to enjoy it. I hope it works. All I can say is all resistance sort of breaks when you're to conscious some are just the devil of ignorance, yet that is rare. 

I also at times wonder who even reads this journal? Guys c'mon can't you write something smart and thoughtful to help or ya'll just click & compare life's? I've never been that guy that reads other stuff to feel good. I dunno at times if I attract conscious,normal or toxic ppl. Usually it's conscious & normal. 

I don't like schedules, yet it is what it is unlimited energy would be cool at times. Fully going into my life purpose is the only choice, yet I will say no to a lot of girls I don't vibe with, let's hope this works as I will not do any extra courses outside of the company. I generally will not say what I will do and mostly write about the process of the becoming and begin of my personal life's happenstances. The biggest deep move I could make is do only consciousness work and work + fitness and one project totally and do more socially.

What I do is still play competitive video games, as somehow this helps me with inner child + dark side, yet my inner child has started to enjoy the game of working also. 

Hm.... there are some more coherent and clear patterns as of. 

- Highly conscious breakthrough, yet briefly before this stuff immense panic

- Chill beginning into realization fuck how much time did I just spend on this

- Triggers of the past, meritocracy, Depression because of absent father?, flaming and guilt-tripping/blaming others, social dominance and bullying

- Addiction & distraction and having a proper reward

- It mostly comes down to maintaining healthy systems and beign spotaneous about rewards and alternatives for fun

- Also the joy of deep skill building, especially intuitive applied, creating solutions. 

- The issue of skill is the more you learn and get to the hardcore stuff the more existential it feels, I never had safety from my family around this and nature usually healed the most here. This again is for me the point of being with a girlfriend would do me more well, than "having" a girlfriend if you get the distinction.

Another point also here in a second.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I personally have the issue the fear of success is larger than beign the success. Resolving that paradoxical seeming thing is for me I'm beign and creating an authentic me.

I waste to much time on silly video games as I don't see myself as this universal conscious creator I'd yearned to be, and the very hardcore consciousness work is immensely isolating without a community and culture. 

I could write about my vision I never did this to expand on it from the course a bit. I could make a list of what it all included, fundamentally all connections boiled down to this some level of automation for some homesteading possibility like growing my own potatoes and cannabis for example lol, and having a relaxing advanced and technical hobby possibly with hydroponic type of stuff, having a large house financed mostly by work in the tech industry, creating with a.i tech nologies solutions for others I thought to grand big is enough at times. When I was younger to have two girls as girlfriends or one very deep and kinky one I still prefer the later. Right now I just sort of will do shadow work about the girl that solves 100% of the issues till I get to some childhood stuff.

She will most likely get better ideas, when I take more care about myself. Also all till now liked the quality of my work which is surprising to me. At times it's not as innovative. 

The biggest concern is having a high stream of consciousness in myself consistently and just cleaning my Appartement I'd wish I had a cleaning human. I feel better, kitchen is very small and I am confused about the social stuff, the irony till now is the guys who are German give me credit as the reward credit more competitively as girls and not as cooperatively? Especially! When you're cooperstive in an more orange emotional experience. Strong guys give healthy credit in forms same for strong girls. Weak people manipulate, intelligent people appear strong when they are weak and vice-versa. Strength wins at the end though. I thought also how good a spontaneous run feels and to buy these running shoes it's again a big investment. I was very frugal with them and let living costs run down stuff, to the joy of the biggest lowlifes and haters. 

True ones had compassion like richer friends did & I feel guilty they know it, also my b f does not even care he just cares about the connection. A lot of my intellectual work was also keeping it up with the Instagram Jones as a negative drives turned consciousness as much as possible.

My darkest drives involve absolute domination of people who have no skill in an area, no mercy if stupid. 

Outworking others when they are manipulating to get ahead.

Leaving out information if there is no proper credit for work being done and a subtle gaslighting lack of better term culture.

If I would fully follow my intuition I would say I would again take sometime out and read what is possible with a.i and create a vision and steam ahead. A lot of what is and what is not there & doing work consciousnessly focusing on consciousness work and consciounes joy generating Hobbies. Like gaming unfortunately is for me & psychedelics. There is also an immense joy in advancing anl career, yet I dunno short break than another post most likely.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Deep skill development and thinking is also so painful, especially memorz encoding for me is so painful, I don't know why I feel so much resistance and hatred there. Especially deductively, inductively it's not as bad just hard. 

I sort of feel odd about this I bought an audiobook on failure I feel like I miss the right mindset at times.

[ValiantSalvatore]

The new audiobook is very good as failure is framed as a healthy part of progress, if I am not failing I am not making progress this was so intense for me, I changed internally a lot again. Same for my spiritual practice which I find is even more important to see failure as growth as there is so much dejection about I am right my way is more efficient etc. Then the lack of embracing failure again... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also my current stack of supplements really help me to get and be more awake especially fish oil is super good for brain and heart I feel subjectively, I just have less naggy fogginess it's like drinking and energy drink & coffee without draining one so much, somehow. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I argued "basically" I just name call people and call them pathetic as they are bullying and will aruge with any social arugment of winner & looser mentality and I just call them pathetic and name call stuff about their existence, it's an immense sign of poverty imo to disrespect people and make false accusation, these are scientific materalists and also the biggest looser possible. It's heavy how low such people are in playing social darwinistic games and it's all about power it's not even rational as they don't admitt that they are a human mistake and fundamentally flawed. It's funny to realize damn, even in my worst case scenario I would not want to be that guy has he lives a life that is internally as poor as it can get. Empty vanity, is all you get and dopamine chasing.

There is an entire subtle pattern as there is some triggering in this, yet it is mainly the joy of beign a provider for others, and the guilt associated with this at times. Still I notice these people fundamnetally lack love. The more I love my life the more others love me. America is a global issue in a sense, I can see why you would hate America currently, with this no stance wanna be scientific rationalism that I hated about this website and the internet generally speaking, now they are hiding behind Tate & Trump type of energy, and call this "red" America. In a sense, yet they don't really realize this. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It is odd realizing the issue of TIER 2 & hedonic pleasure in a sense. Most love to flaunt their cultural or social achievements, I find this personally so pathetic. I am just unsure how much I should socialize, as people generally really like me, yet it can also backfire. Also getting rid of people who are inclined only in one way or another, also getting my hands on some projects etc. It is odd how much skill is shamed and how much pain it involves, ironically all my group projects were excellent, all of them not a single one was bad, depending on how stuff is. Also yeah anyway so far so good, I am glad my boss is kind and would protect me in a sense, and generally speaking. I don't find it easy, when I contemplate material reality, as I don't have that many cravings, especially when I engage in a spiritual practice and I also get more of it, yet they make it about identity & ego and it's not easy at times to deal with this. 

It's odd at times and also an ironic truth that gray-zoney corrupt people seem more ethical than the so called ethical power people, it's odd to describe, yet more honest for example the guy who went to a hindu temple and the guy who went to the prostitute, it's odd also how much intuition people have about me, when I feel open it's. It's good, yet odd. 

I'll report my meditation session, also how toxic americans are is incredible no wonder that trump became president, the people are just toxically power obsessed creatures. I dunno I should visit the country before I speak. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I wish I could watch this in it's entirety, I really miss extremely good life coaching for practical aspects, in my life from an inspirational human and not a rational robot created from society, sound tonality, everything matters. 

All of this creation is incredibly powerful, I dunno the life purpose course is still immense, there should be a follow up, especially for people in their 30's & 40's not only younger people, with some good sources, the Dr.Keith Witt course is still highly fking advanced and would take me a fkign year to finish, if I do it dilligently. I just lost joy in the creation of stuff, especially in the tech world, and just the sheer amount of work it is. I feel like I can't life my life purpose that way, as I would just flaunt social achievments and not be a real public figure, as I don't yearn for this, yet I dunno some element of depth in coaching and providing guidance is there, yet I dunno how to go about this, and I stopped a lot of efforts to be a consciouness coach in that sense, who is in A.I as I am not a research in that field etc. I am not that deep in the field, yet I still love A.I, I just don't like the current tool sets.Anyhow, I just stop for now, the audiobook about failure and maturity is fantatstic, to learn from every stepping stone etc. It's like you can't fail as your invincible when you keep learning and growing even in wisdom as well as in spirit etc. 

Still it's a bit shocking to see I would most likely still love to work for Google, somehow my heart is at Google, I don't know why, yet it seems to be there, I dunno how to self-create prodcuts and courses, it's very hard and I would not know what to teach and or to sell, or to inspire etc. Especially as I choose a builder path that is the anti-thesis to what I am at the core an unstructured intuitive in a sense, yet I did choose it somehow. I dunno, it's like I am an unsupervised learning approach to gathering information while my beign yearns for a supervised approach for peace. It's odd, then there is deep learning lol, but anyhow, I just don't know how to spend the time pumping these books about a.i and courses etc. Then building stuff that is material I don't get as much joy out of it I just don't know. Doing the work then often feels better, having skill gives me peace and security also, so I dunno. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

also finally some clarity on this... .
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also think I am a very good manager for chill people who like to put in work. Dunno work got cancled today in a sense. I'll talk to one friend within the company also, I sort of scammed him I would also love to do coaching for people to get into tech, and have a higher skill celling originally I would've wished to have a doctor in A.I & then to hire people through all the dirty work, now I dunno. I have time again. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Well. Yeah, I underestimate the skill you can learn online, knowledge is also my passion, I hope the new tablet will do some very very deep work and let me efficiently work, I retain more information when I create very large networks of connections, I trusted that holism thing, that is why math also takes me so long, I find different issues, deeply contained within matehmatics where "memory" is used often from people who have done it, also coming from "memory" to holism is a great way to cherish and love holism more. So yeah, currently the point of self-determined learning I was pretty hard, yet not quiet hardcore and I did not fully dive into the skillset, as I know fuck I will forget that I am not at work, somehow this shifted?

I feel my skill based memory is way deeper entangled in re-learning ever since I started meditating, I also underestimate some tasks, it's still odd creating financial abundance through means and finding the right ideas. For example Leo does not sell a single skill in his course, he just recommends stuff and finds deep principles how to go about life, his work is still unmatched in terms of, well told you so kind of stuff, yet it's so odd in practice like for example my perfect LP looked like.
 

• Do x amount of work on project each day within c.s/a.i
• Do masters in a.i and move to america
• Be a high global player with a skillset that serves the greater good I would love to do data analysis for poltiical campaigns etc. in America and get into the social sphere of American history and integal life, and the new age scene.
• That would include Python & Hacking, Machine Learning, Data Science & Statistics & Deep Learning, yet some of this stuff is very cutting edge, advancement is a huge risk, and right now it's like the innovators of life win, to learn all principles in this area, is still like. The image pains me, I dunno. The people who do this stuff are such incels if married or and not, it's incredible it's like they are an advanced form of incel, the involuntarily subscribed to material displeasure there is no well-beign in their lives. No healthy social feeling besides the hedonic shit. 
• Also a lot of this integral stuff was just a solution of love, I dunno how to describe it. 

I could do this, and I was yearning to be part of integral of my masters also, and be a serious intellectual more based on my own endeavours and my own way of doing it, yet I stopped beign interested in the deep mechanics of it, like finding a good mechanic is fairly easy in Germany, yet globally.... it pains me.... I dunno it's odd to have an interest in this etc. 
 

https://integrallife.com/diversity-empathy-integration/

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also attending real big social events, I dunno the optimization point is more about life & health mostly. Anyway I just be quiet for now & listen to this stuff Huberman & Lex are still for me role models as they exercise and do psychdelics & mindfulness that is far to rare still 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I really would like to learn an instrument and would've learned to play more black music as a kid, to get a deeper connections to my roots. In a sense, especially contemporary like last... 60-70 year of black american music etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno, if I should buy the guitar, there are a lot of internal drives for faster information processing simply, jsut because it creates more freedom in my head. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Listening to this. Neighbour went Nazi old fat people are disgusting energy vampiers and evil, fat compassionate people are disgustingly hideous and evil, they abuse guilt for their own benefit it's sooo fking disgusting. 

Listening in to other neighbours interest, is like the lowest type of behaviour you can do, it's so subtely disgusting, Germans have same inflammatory subtle sterotypes postive & negative, especially older people above 65, my mother does not have this for example. 

Like 

Italian people are sober and clean etc.
Turkish people enhance my culture.
Black people are unclean, creative and aggressive, also dominante or cultural enhancement for my life for sensatianolist seeking. 

It's like ignorance triggers her, yet she is the most ignorant. I dunno That is why I don't like women near a kitchen besides my mother till now and more normal girls, like girls who pride themselves as clean = beauty are so fking disgustingly toxic and neurotic it's insane. Any type of guilt = dirt = dark etc. It's so nasty, I hope this Trump generation dies finally 

 

Edited September 20, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I I ordered a small vacum cleaner as a pc tool to clean stuff, this is horrbile and I hope  Ican clean my desk that way also without whipping constantly. I checked the google course stuff again, and due to the open-mindedness of the company, I could first do the Python courses that the company offers, so I can work internally, and continue with the current stuff, as sort of a side-track hustle, I dunno how else to put it. Due to how heavily my body yearns to experience a deep lustful relationship where I can build a place together sort of as a "survival" more gut level drive. Yet that is more how to go about material things. 

somehow this post was here just brain dumping

[ValiantSalvatore]

Dude I got so side-tracked from one of the friends I made where I now live closer to, as I had these global dreams of pleasure etc. We talked about Islam, I was looking who had something on this omfg, this area was horrible if I would tell him what I wrote he would most likely delete me, I dunno here it was just venting I have and had plenty of friends, it's just the extrem of decadence etc. The religous people are not there. The irony is Leo is right ironically. It's insane. 
 

I never watched this. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The materalistic turkish people and arabic are triggering it's feels insanely enslaving to interact with this "street attitude" etc. Like it's not good the religious people are not that much of an issue. Issue is spirituality and yeah yoga is basically shaping our culture currently. 

It's like tribal materalism like small Andrew Tates it's horrible at times. I am sorry for ranting... I hope you have more wisdom to comprehend how triggering that is. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also Leo worked a shit ton that is actually insane 40h. Course about islam. I have no idea besides talking to friends. Which is sometimes not so good and often leads to some racist white guy, I dunno. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

52 minutes meditation refinement:

• Felt tons of contraction I keep smelling the freaking cannabis odor, it's like it went over into my d.n.a I dunno if this is good and I don't know if I had this stench, it's like a spiritual gaschamber at times, the more sort of spiritual I get the more I smell like this or am I just stupid???? I smoked so much I dunno how much of it goes out of me. 
• Very strong yet breakable contractions at the core, energy is beign made more fluid and the flow of energy through contraction noticing 
• Did spoken labels that helped
• Deeply dove into spatial awareness due to noticing again some deeper and older biologica patterns when my practice was stronger
• Changed intentions on my intention sheet

I am grateful for gaining more elo in the video game I am playing and for the subtle recognition of beign a good player as well as an excellent one at times
I am grateful for again beautiful girls liking the more feminine and boyish profile I have on the online-dating site
I am grateful for the german-turkish girl as I feel my intuition and love is best with her as she has a similar heart of creation and might be 4w3 I fall for this type very often due to depth and pragmatism
I am grateful for the new company beign so open and flexible and giving me an opportunity to build something of value for others
I am grateful for Leo especially when he is not as polarizing and more authentic with positive energy that is inspiring for work and his honesty
I am grateful I will change the value of truth, truth personally will give me nothing I could take faith and procure better results truth is just heavy focus on ego, that I already have, I work more subtely on this and not brute force at times it is fine, but not all day.
I am thankful for feelings of love and surrender during meditation and acceptance of feminine sexuality in me as well as the dark masculine aiding me at times
I am thankful for every ego shattering experience 

That is mostly it, I dunno what else to type about, the night meditation today was easier than early morning, might be because time perception is faster at night and time = worry = stress due to Germany beign like this it's very deep in my nervous system, subtle deep terror and angst.