I'll break my silence a month approx earlier. as I am not using my success journal anymore, when I consider that level of depth that I am getting it's not good for me I unconsciously scurry around stuff and to be very percise, I'd often had to say. I miss a connection to god, the invinite, profound surrender, a connection to allah, whatever a supreme idenity etc. These are all different terms, I struggle with my value for self-expression and strategic planning and journaling has been a way to console and digest my mental health a bit more effectively, it was something I yearned for when I was a teenager and a kid, a way to express myself without judgement and feeling rules. I just never knew personal development existed. The success journal is a bit to exhausting and I don't feel I have as much control of my life, as when I can type at a place like this and take care of my needs that way. I currently also have an ambivalent relationship to the stage orange performance and meritocraty drive, and I generally miss more TIER 2 self-reflections, even if these authors call these self-generated power questions, power questions a fundamentally and deep down I know what it takes, so I better maintain my current level of mental health and this is a place where I drew more power from, than I thought. I seriously have to re-consider this and this generally also helps with leadership abillities and pushing myself and challenging myself, especially when I don't want to. After the death and the tedious process of my grandma and generally just embracing stage orange more after learning about SD, I don't even know anymore what is burn-out and burn on, it's often just where can I maintain balance & post my meditation sessions and shadow work sessions, I am a bit tired of doing it alone and not feeling seen, even if that is a feminine&yin drive possibly or just human. I definitely crave positive attention and tbh, even the negative can be fun at times. It feels better than to constantly give others attention from a neutral and value providing place, also the level of depth I get from my meditation sessions and then working here helps me to deal with the good side of my ego, or let's say the good part of my ego. The shadow side is from me is absolute domination in the sense of not giving other choices. I also can reflect my readings that way, and I am generally not as stressed as well as I might be able to post from work and just think about ideas, and give others inspiration. 
I'll work for 1h my new setup is basically there, I also miss again the connection to America, my father is such a pussy he deleted me from Facebook, my mother told me she thinks he is a weak man, considering his upbringing and how stupid that guy is I don't know what to feel anymore, it's more like I miss the godlike connection to yang energy, as I completely dismissed this fool, yet some impacts are there in behaviour that I just won't notice do to the ueber feminine influence of my family and the bitter nagging energy against men etc. Made it difficult to enjoy divine masculinity. I often also cringe at notions of king & queen, it's a super black marketing segment, I really resonate only with god-like omnipotent energy. My parents generally deny their toxicity, yet help a lot with their doing, my mother changed also a lot in is generally a stable person & fun person to be around, she is just fking lazy about skill improvement due to the level of rigidity and immense level of frustration and contraction and she is prone to anger and denies it. I don't have and had the luxury of this projection benefit, as soon as you have a tiny bit of color on your face, people will smear that into your face.  A bit of other stuff, a new friend of mine recommended me to read nietzche which I thought was odd, and something about power, I generally resonate with the energy, yet never with the ideaology of it, he seemed the first one normal to recommend it. Spoilers I will not read it.  The engineering stuff & truth are for me an interesting connection currently A lot of girls deleted me and I notice the hinderances of German materalism, they basically all would go for you if you have the potential to provide house & kids or are an absolute murderous degenerate, everything inbetween is boring & average. I'll use the journal to contemplate meditative, psychdelic & other journeys I prefer stuff in real-time and some reflections I ask my self very often  This also generally helped me a lot more when I was alone to deal with the toxicity of this and also I'd like to write unfiltered about my unique dating experience, and subtle impressions etc. Clarity, will be a value that I won't share it's a quality I develop my beign, it's also one of my strength to develop sensory clarity, I just notice that many are not very grateful for this quality and I notice I can work on my gratitude journaling, especially in the morning. The more I trip I can also the the level of depth of a human beign, I've never meet anyone as deep online as Shinzen, maybe Sadghuru my last trip also showed me this, even if others went deeper there is no use and my survival concerns and a more balanced enlightenment is simply a better option - starting from Teal upward! 

About Dating:

The last 7 months, I dated approx. 7 girls so many deleted me online as I did not response and sort of relished in the rather weak abundance, I notice through gratitude I have more of it, yet I did not practice that the last couple of months. I am also massively slacking of with work and I sort of have to distract myself otherwise my inner perfectionist will kill me, I notice also the more imperfect I act the more perfection I generate. 
   Girl_7 half black girl from Bumble, she was half Ukranian and I confused am with pm again, as they sort of hone into this expected American vibe and I am very German even if you don't notice, so it does not make sense I think am & pm are stupid terms just call it 12:00 and 24:00 and there is no issue...., anyway she did not show up for the date. It was a coffee date low pressure etc. It made me question my value as a guy as I derived a lot of value from my strength and physicality which has been reduced, yet still is certainly above average. Girl_6 flaked on the date and deleted me liberal black girl from Bumble, overall Bumble has the worst experience so far in terms of actually meeting, Tinder I don't even get matches. Girl_5 I went on a date did not escalate as I did not feel like it super date, super girl high quality beyond the average platitudes, absolutely horrible music taste, yet I did not tell her that and was curious if I could enjoy it seriously, I can I still think music like reggeaton and reggae are absolutely horrible. To rhytmic absolutely no harmony and super superficial. We are friends currently and I am shooting for gathering people to go out and have fun more.  About Work:

I was a bit lazy and fearful, yet generally speaking everything is good, what is lacking is clarity which I am automatically gaining my asking questions, the value of clarity I notice can also burn me out, it has to come from beauty for me, I enjoy beauty and the beauty energy of girls also a lot. What bothers me about the work place is what they created to become rich, yet I doubt there is any company that is not dirty and they don't really hide it, it's just they make money of the idiocy and luck of others, because they build systems for lottery agencies, yet I am not working on any of this, generally still very art oriented & avant-garde type direction and vibe of the company. I can learn a lot what bothers me again is the level of beign alone, so I am heading to the office, and how green my office is I can't bear it at times, it makes me want to be very vulnerable and that can even be to much for greens I've meet and they regress. The people in A.I till now all seem more second tier, till the orange cravings come out etc. I have to see as I seem "powerful" to others how to deal with that, yet I am already hacked by Wilber, so it does not really work, as there are constant power imbalances minor&larger ones....

The other larger projects are for health insurances and the german criminal police etc. So there is definitely some conscious stuff, yet I notice some patterns difficult to describe due to mastery & consciouness.

About Actualized.org: 

I never really knew what to think of it as a baseline of respect and dignity was often missing and I see that daily almost in different forms. Now it's better and more respectful, and I hope Leo holds his word more often, and if something is not working or an issue clearly explains this, I will not bother in the future anymore with this type of attitude I have an issue with it due to having grown up with mostly women in my family and it was not seen as something big, so I do that differently & I have to see how to be more intentional with my words, I don't energetically follow through as I saw my mother often break etc. At tiny the most tiny fking instances of these promises and word keeping and I don't know, yet how to deal with this shadow wise. These are mostly energetic imprints or "samskaras" I am also to good to get into contact with that, that I often yearn to surrender my entire existence which is a bit to much to get into, I'd have to do this when I am more financially stable "even more". To use the work, what bothers me also is the immense language of Leo & gaslighting terms & seeing the PUA scence bring out the worst type of shadows and resentments in me, it's also an issue abot controlling. These are larger and smaller issues, I generally am quiet positive to Leo's progress etc. Also that here are many people with serious mental issue is at times bothering, yet it is what it is. 

Also my father barely could keep his words and often made this hopes and intentions, yet he is such a bitch ass I can't believe it at times. I can't respect a guy who smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol to much. What my mother was hiding from me about him shocked me, I grew up extremely liberal and innocent. It's a serious issue especialy moderntiy can be an issue, yet it's the center of gravity. 

I also am 100% convinced that Leo is wrong with psychdelics to his abstinence of practice I can't really take what he does seriously anymore it absolutely lacks honesty and integrity from my pov, I knew that health issues could be a problem, yet to not honestly communicate that made me fundamentally loose a lot of trust in him. I often have to openly speak about my health condition, and it for me is an immense sign of weakness to not communicate this, I am sorry I don't like this as it creates issue in my process of awakening etc. I see to others real teachers who done the same and jumped of psychdelics also the issue of him not beign fully healthy distorts the realistic process for others... I don't blame him I lost trust and I am disappointed in him, I expect more honesty from him and he often does not realize how immense his impact is imo. I also feel he lost touch with how reality is like for people who are working and creates this pity-party energy at times, instead of fostering mastery causes a lot of dejective type of vibes.... 

This is what I notice personally, from beign here since 2016/2017. This insincere attitude and I notice this is similar to the "bitch face of my father" and the subtle toxic conservatism etc. He does not realize what mindviruses these people have at times who work for the goverment or police utter purity & clarity is not possible. Being more realistic with myself and honest I noticed this, yet here I am because I know how better & more chill policing truely is thanks to Germany, and how important even more important cyberintelligence is, also cannabis is soon legal here, so that is progress for the folk etc... on a deep fundamental level also etc. etc. 

About My LP: 

Utterly disconnected to much change consistently to much improvement, I'd have to nuture my connection towards god & visualize sparsely and do this unified practice nothing else really works. Also the issue of pride & other constant insight I've gathered through audiobooks and beign here & western social apathy besides at 8pm at night and when alone with a person is also dangerous, anyway dude I forget how much progress I legit made through all of this I just took stream entry on the backburner. As well as by reflecting for example like this for 1h, this is sort of my entrepreneurial journal spirit, and testing billions of options. I applied for coaching now etc.

About My Projects:

I'll make some different things, yet right now I am just happy when I can follow through on duties & commitment without convulsing internally. I had to start & stop multiple projects. Right now I work with what the company offers me & gain experience this is parents advice that stems from wisdom function. 

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I'll be meditating now and then I will stream and play the new Baldur's Gate 3 and work tomorrow, even possibly on the weekend, I struggle with stable structures and I frankly hate my mother for her instabillity and greediness to become children etc. I am also very toxic against the slightest type of materalistic type of girls where I feel she'd suck the life out of me, as I did not have a lot and I generally vibe with someone who generally had to practice graittude, yet these are often girls I'd bet who been "victims" of parental gaslighting, as only the ingrateful ones seriously start to gaslight others and take on the similar patterns. I've been ingrateful a bit, yet I generally attracted so many positive scenarios through gratitude the practice of it develops deep depth & love. 

Also this current dating hype about latin culture is a bit annoying to see the prevalence of 6w7 tendencies & even when I like the vibe I hate the music, so I never know I get bored and I bet I could puke listening to it... seriously.... latin music is by far the most unenjoyable music genere I listened to I could endure schlager more than latin music... that is a big thing to say, it's so cringe and intense it hurts so much. I am still open to it to learn.

That is fundamentally it, I sort of have to inspire myself more as I notice not many things do the trick. I'll obviously will put some limits, into my posting generally speaking, yet right now I am done I achieved my first milestone & it's very similar to the current situation & I see the scary backend for me also & the issue of over people who socialize only by rules and expectations and can't seem to let go etc. 

This set is insane. I'll currently dump the success journal, I don't enjoy a non-organic grind & even if the structure is better to much clarity can feel coercive for me. I'll drink one coffee & then meditate, I'll post about the session and do my gratitude practice etc here and shadow work the level of efficiency here for the work that I am doing is very high and I meet my needs.