Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also especially technological joys, yet not cars which is an issue sort of. It's odd.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also a deep desire for flow states that I had in exercises.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Catalyst also stuff here... that went loss etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I was also close to more unitive and was getting way way way more closer. Like way way way closer. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I've found multiple answers now it's just about executing and beign patient. Especially as I have to very very very slowly crawl myself back to beign a morning person that might take 3 solid years.... 

Edited October 9, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also last day where I will order food instead of going out with others, I had some issues as I eat a lot I notice when I truely give into it.... It has been bothering me partially as I have to go grocery shopping alot etc. I feel guilty a bit, yet this is a very bad habit I picked up when I was depressed... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

All good and better than good the irony of this. Still have to take care work is lingering. The pain of beign conscious is odd, especially beign hypersensetive. I might curse and go angry again, at one point yet that is a different story for now. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Had the urge to physically journal & wrote some stuff down. I might do this for my meditation practice even though typing is faster and more efficient, the effectivness of writting small stuff down might be better, especially after meditations to take that 3-5 min and switch this to keep it more real. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Odd things simply. Currently I am just not reaping the rewards and continue to grow, as I lost a lot of pleasure for life I've had with my workouts etc. I just for sure know that when I get on the right track and do very very simple things I get the passion back etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I just hope to find new good people I downloaded another audiobook, just right now it's very odd due to me not having the success early enough so I can fully enjoy it and there was not much I could do, the issue was a lot the emotional sensetivity I have and the point of nihlistic and thantaos type of emotions not turned into space etc. It's very odd. 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Listening to this feels very good.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Wrote briefly about Leo's new blog post. I was originally interested in A.I & stuff due to fantasy & sci-fi themes within dysotopian anime culture as a teen. The point of ones mental capacity defined by genetics and beign able to change genetics is very interesting, for me especially as it's more a social issue at times, and I relate differently emotionally so that area of whatever is just not that activated at times. I dunno as I am "supposed to be gifted" I might test myself very late in life etc. It's an odd experience, especially if exerpience and training is missing that is the point of underachievers as a gifted person etc. I don't think Leo as a very stereotypical and classical overachiever comprehends this as much as he thinks he might does, yet he has compassion for limits, yet I don't think he realizes how this truely is if your gifts are not nutured or taken from you, as well as highly interconnected. Especially as a guy who most likely grew up without the more harder connection between intelligence and physicality and still beign a normal human etc, as it evokes directly drives for power, fame and beauty at best imo. And creates envy. For me this is odd as performance can dramatically suffer if there is inequality and often times that hardnosed rationalist perspective just sucks instead of non-judgement with empathy -> more loving people. 

That is also why I stopped giving my best as it's a very odd dynamic and I've seen plenty of highly intelligent minorities who have given up due to the "whiteness" of this area and just the social non, non-judgemental area etc. Especially if they are from countries with bias, it's very painful as they realize it, yet still have the social lense and want to break it while they are creating it. I'd say  Leo is immune to this mostly, yet the energy of skeptecism can evoke it just at times casually as an inquistion to Truth so to speak which is not good. I dunno I stopped when I meet people who have excellent memory I often remember the very fine details they forget and holistic details if I care, and if I care I'll automatically remember what they remember, it just depends. I've never sort of trained my memory more as I've had to many arguments about this and I still don't remember pragmatic stuff as much, as my brain goes into default mode of I can look it up to save myself the stress etc. That is why doing creates very strong circuits usually a plateau reached is usually a plateau reached for me, I can re-learn it very very fast and this has been a thing that has been praised within my family. They can't really seem to be able to do that. That is why I choose re-creation as one of my strenghts for a part of my time etc. I am very good at finding alternatives that are useful, yet often take the extra mile to create and or even do. Which is still a high cognitive order, I really miss some classic schooling and the goodness of it. Sort of the deserved feeling of it etc. Right now I just sort of contemplate as my life has been a contradiction. I might take the mensa test sooner or later to navigate my career more clearly into a direction where I have mental strengths that suit me. It's still very unclear with high more feeling intuitives, if they don't have the social sphere, like my best classes usually have been biology/math (only maths)/cs/&languages&sports&music -> I was never good at chemistry, physics, (german language) etc. Everything that was alien and new sort if I still wonder what my true mental capacities are, and what I am good at so to speak. Even with a lot of personality tests, and indicators. My best abillity seems to be sequential thinking if that is a thing, and creative problem solving. So yeah that is that. Feeling somehow better today, had a real drive towards wholeness of merit and executing on a task. I am still sort of not really in the space of very good balance due to some stuff within my upbringing like my mother not beign career focused, and I don't have the drive for a career for example. 

It's very odd to contemplate, yet I get a lot of joy of getting things done and the feeling of freedom associated with it. I just notice the impatient & toxic persona when there is to much stuff & I am afraid of that. The point is I keep also having very high iq friends, it's just not good if you've suffered from some form of developmental damage that is not very much identifiable, as you contradict it with some other evidence, being in between two things yet not there can be quiet tormenting. Yeah that is sort of it, due to the bullying and beign more empathic, I just stopped beign more intelligent as other start feeling significantly inferior, which is an issue and I don't feel one bit like this I am just beign passionate. That is and has been a huge issue, not with my mother, yet with cynnicals skepticst where fear kicks-in for some reason. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Especially the point of gaslighting and beign told you can't change and or impact the world has been a huge driver for me, of the issue of "constantly beign percepted to go against the odds", as nobody sees it in your favour due to public perception etc. It's a very odd thing if you're more extroverted etc. It's not as much of an issue. Yet, generally speaking I also think my memory is partially fked and I bet my genetics changed, as I was gaslit partially as I was a very truth & innocent seeking kid, and people played all sorts of social games where I thought, is it not just about skill? & I never really got the help I sort of needed, and I did not know how to ask for it. 

That is why I stopped looking for event the more "mechanical connections", I dunno right now I just can say it's all about bringing spirit and consciouness into work. The pragmatic stuff fixes itself, I can also get way more joy out of this. The issue is shaming -> anger -> apathy -> indifference & unloving and not time taking people. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Filler 

Edited October 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's a bit of an issue, disregard the video. THat is why I listen to deepak chopra it's diffuclt to put into words etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's more pure consciouness not any promises that are just not true. But more expierenced.

[ValiantSalvatore]

For me I notice mostly it's all a point of self-care and sort of the "pain" of co-existing with others. The more I take care of myself and my work the more joy I get the deeper also usually my meditations, as I dive deeper into the masculine gift. There are multiple issues, that are odd to contemplate, yet right now it's better to focus on strengths & saying I will more often was a good point also my gym routine was a hell of a mental resistance training right now it's not as possible anymore & it's more the cleaning aspect and then diverging from that. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I believe one of my biggest issues by far is emotional stability let alone how much food this body craves is immense, and at the sametime can be highly inefficient, as well as just self-care and cleaning it's a bit of an annoyance as I feel "good guy guilt" at times when people applaud me for this etc. I dunno it's very odd currently and I feel as thought there is something missing in terms of dominating that just causes me trouble or even power for that sake. It's very odd. 

I hope this can be my last sort of approach towards this. It's difficult for me to process these emotions of order and the "taking it for granted feeling" I have with this, as I've been told this over and over and over again, and all it causes is paralyzation. There is no passion, inspiration and desire for the postive thing just pure biterness. That was also a discussion within my family, between my aunt and my grandma. While my aunt is more the gaslighter, my grandma was more bitter at times? Yet she had more joy definitely as my aunt, my aunt just complained and victimized herself and hence gaslit unconsciously etc. etc. The amount of effort it takes to describe this is to much. 

Mostly I notice I am just not beign very driven towards achieving things and seeing these small things I do at home as small achievements, when I started a graittude journal I really started with simple things, like a clean appartement, the sun etc. So I definitely could see this as even small achievments and parts of masculinity. I also at times don't know how to deal with the emotion of past memories. So yeah I dunno. It's odd. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

If I don't clean my entire appartement and do meditation today, I will become a Leo Gura patreon, I still don't fully support this work financially a bit out of gratitude as to be frank at times, some element of interacting like Shinzen etc. With the community is missing, it does not suit Leo's personality also apparently as well as I simply did not get the success I craved, otherwise I would've most likely pay back 10x fold. So I dunno at times where to get proper help it's all very good, yet what is missing is the strength of supporting others sort of here. 

I'd really like to create a loving place. Like with lights & lamps and just cozzy feelings etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also could look the skill of domination sort of as people really crave this to me as the art of assertion. I notice even when I play video games etc. the level of god that united even my teammates how ridiculous this seemed and is a huge part of thick face & black heart is missing, I personally don't like it when Leo is very skeptical and denounces a lot of stuff, yet it's his nature sort of and I accept that. Yet the real crew sort of that empowers me, and where I sort of go back to Leo for the proper feedback for improvement is sort of finding itself? I hope so. I just feel treated like shit on this webpage at times for sharing my meditation practice as some members like Shin & some others seriously created weird notions and made fun of stuff, where I was considering if there is this hidden 4chan toxicity, and that I even know that just shows how "unloving" my family sort of was in pursuing heartfelt endeavours etc. etc. etc. Yet I was to curious on the internet. What I can say is this, I struggle with challengs, as beign young and physically challenging yourself is one of the biggest growth paths you can undertake then socially and then skill development. So, yeah I dunno as here are not that many fitness enthusiasts it's an issue at times to be motivated and have a craving for this. What bothers me the most is 40/40% of all my games are lost due to either beign to god-like and people loosing interest I am not even playing anymore at that level etc. Or I loose as I am not god-like enough and the other 20% are just randomlosses due to teammates etc. Where I don't have as much impact, yet I seriously notice. That due to listening to others more I make more mistakes, if I assert myself there are processes that are not taken into consideration. It's odd sort of for me I don't know how to put it. There are multiple realizations, yet often it's also simply the very basic stuff, my PC does not run of 240 fps and as a highly mechnical player mostly... I suck when FPS is to low as there are legit more physical issue. I bet hunger lost me 30% of games recently, as it's just difficult to eat and game and I loose concentration etc. I dunno it's a stupid passion maybe, yet I really wanted to build something that eventually would even include a family and some social stuff, as gaming has been part of my life. Yet I dunno currently it's very odd as I miss the skill and tenacity sort of. As I did so much meditation I doubt this will build tenacity & also just working etc. I feel better when I game less and sometimes then I am more in god mode so to speak as I life more cleanly, yet tbh I miss hugs and food from family at times.