Self-Actualization Journal - Moving Towards Depth

[ValiantSalvatore]

My life is way to weird, the girl I was dating her brothers are pro players in my favorite game. It's so ironic I can't believe it how my deep very very deep dreams could've manifested in some way it's so unreal. 

Way to coincidental. 

Edited October 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Sleeping early I sort of see how "bad parenting" and to issue of to much feminine interests caused a massive delay for engineering interests. It's odd realizing how much of that I would've done if I had a better relationship to mathematics. It's odd how life plays itself out.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to do some shadow work, with the girl at work today, at best right after this. It's mostly the stage red issue of power I also see in Leo more, and it's an annoying field as it's mostly just Makyio bias, in some sense and you never know if the person went crazy, as you can't be the first one to make these claims it's just beyond stupid, it's utter foolery and conaristry like Trump 101. 

It's difficult to explain what I mean, yet it just triggers toxicity especially in me verbal toxicity, as there is a lack of cross-reference and it's mostly from power-hungry unintuitive ppl, I highly doubt for example that Sasaki Roshi at 100 years old watching american cartoon tv, did the same, just based on an intense amount of practice, that is what I mean it's a pure state chasing shadow there is 0 fking 0 stablization of anything. It's fantasy. That is what I don't like about Leo the tangible which he is so good at is missing for whatever reason, due to innovation drive? I dunno it's odd, i can't take the post seriously due to the American languaging and him not seeing the effects of it, but it's all bullshit right? I know what he wants to point to, as there are so many degress of awaekning still it's one of the core driver of many I find he lacks maturity in dealing with such ppl and generally posts to much in all of these drama sections and builds a very weird worldview out of it. I dunno, it's odd speaking to real people in public, no one would even doubt it besides they are true assholes, yet it's still on a gut lvl at times feeling facing some childish Trump/Musk element like in my A.I doctor friend anyhow. 

Edited October 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I ordered also a pill-box to sort all of my nootropics and prepare them for a week etc. It's only a stack of 3 things, and mostly basic stuff I might not get enough due to injury and just eating habits etc. B-12, Iron & L-Theanine. Anyhow let's see etc. About this image & vanity stuff etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Date was interesting agreed to meet up more a lot a lot of talking and commonalities I due think academia if you strive to be successful kills a lot of nautral sexual attraction. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I fking love cats  babuschka blyat cats  



They are aliens I swear the neighbours cat get's high of the plants in front of my door and then blinks at me they are so curious if my place is super clean and quiet and I am working they just come to cheer me up, like what's wrong human and I fking break ngl, I feel internally broken af then. 

Project and work insights:
 

• I work for me and nobody else
• I was outsourcing authority and trust due to fear of beign abused by students, as they are not as honest as workers I've meet etc.
• Working with people who like each other boosts producitivity 100x fold imo, if you're not working on the same desk and distract each other
• I dunno otherwise just hello

Edited October 5, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Date was also good, yet no idea what this is leading to .... I wish sexual attraction was more on, yet it's an issue of beign better with the dark feminine when it comes to dating and the world, as this is what makes the guy go crazy etc. Yet, she is just very solid etc. and also from an MBTI types compatibile and interests, she basically likes a lot of things even video games, which is still not so common. Let's see etc. etc. etc. 

I notice at work nobody cares if you have power or do the work, and if you have power -> do work and get more power.... it's odd... and very simple .... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Dunno why this journal has so many views:

• Went out for food
• Talked with new friend about stuff
• I see the issue of masculinity, yet I also lived it at the very edge which makes it tricky with the "white masculine paradigm" and the dark side sort of dunno how to express this yet
• Generally confused about stuff

More insight about the work place for the LP & I dunno if working as a techy is the thing as it's so ridden with the merit culture, that I don't enjoy without the deep pure joy sort of I never found an answer for, if you tell me it's truth, I have an allergy to truth, yet not honesty, that is odd for me. I dunno if consciouness will auto-correct, yet if pure goodness is a way, then only through this, especially for me. To much brute force is forcing the wrong thing, I did it plenty of times etc. Anyhow I am just chilling right now I might already be to Truthful for many. For me it's a toxic value and it's more fitting for other personality types, espeically TI strong ppl. In MBTI terms...

Right now I dunno the it's more of a matter of executing.... the injury destroyed a lot of healthy young masculinity etc. That has to be replaced with the deep and darker aspects of maturity, difficult to come to grips? to anyhow... it's odd how especially a single unaware girl can't recognize the current female pathology etc. It's odd to describe this, yet it's a general issue both genders sort of face. The more balanced ones are often at the demise of this b.s ..... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Yet he basically gave me the advice I wanted to hear etc. That was very good. So yeah I'll see ... just creating meaning right now is not easy as it comes from work which will involve pride, and I dunno the upsides and downsides of my pride... it's like I am chinese . 

Edited October 7, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Unsure what to think currently, in terms of life purpose and spiritual practice and how deeply these two things went hand in hand and how the lack of science upbringing costed me some potential stuff, yet there is new hope. It's odd working this way, and just seeing sort of the issue of stages. It's odd I stopped reading a lot, I hope some stuff will fix itself by me working on it etc. I could so some shadow work about the good side of power etc. I dunno how else to frame it currently, the Israel event is odd with all of this religious stuff showing up and the more "stage orange/blue side" of the talks I've been having with some greenish elements & interpretations I did not know Islam allowed gay people to be gay... for talkings sake just not in public which is again blue it's very very odd. 

Islam is by far the religion I vibed the least with, yet somehow more of this stuff is just coming etc. etc. etc.... So yeah let's see.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

There are patterns I can analyze and solve, currently it's odd especially with materalistic cravings etc & realizing god more etc. 

This stuff is massive for me etc. It's odd for me how to deal with this etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's odd to realize what my cravings are I dunno. I have cravings about skill development that is paired with science & meditation, yet the sensational aspect of enjoying life I most likely could enjoy that endlessly as I get so many spiritual glimpses I don't get when I do the other stuff. I dunno it's very odd to describe... what do I do about the materalistic craving of others who are interested to use others as slaves for their own empire? Like this stage red stuff and give 0 credit and take everything for fucking granted? 

What can I do about this personally do I have this? Not really have I been affected by this certainly. Also the desire of sex etc. I reduced so much karma, it's alll a desire for deep and rich balance with some excesses etc. It's very odd. I don't crave anymore going to clubs, I crave cannabis & psychdelics if even, then I only crave going out. 

I crave sex with girls, yet when I see them I don't care as much besides when I intuit a deep connection of masculine and feminine polarity that enriches me spiritually. 

It's very odd to describe, my deep intuition tells me it all is an issue of not realizing and coming from the masculine contractive type of giving etc. I dunno for me that is something to contemplate about. For example the desire to be a conscious pro gamer / athelete is a karmic desire I have etc. It's not the smartest thing, yet it's more tied to inspiraiton where in science I just don't care anymore. About expert achievers. Yes the achiever part, yet the expert part I lost tons of drive for this. To bring this to holism. etc. My biggest cravings actually are just very deep sleep and audibooks and sort of exhausting the depth of "me in existence" etc. Then a rich social life most likely etc. Yet, at times due to socialization etc. It's odd to build this with authentic people again, it takes a lot of real pain and good spirit & faith in others to build this etc. So yeah... I hope this will go well....!!!

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's odd for me as I had very deep balance sort of, that was on a very slippery slope as it depended on my health, and that has been a random fucking obstacle. So I dunno. I could write about different stuff. Also from the Sadghuru audiobook right when this episode came out a lot of sexual cravings are ended through sports, I highly doubt for example if you'd have the numbers a shaolin monk and a normal monk the more "real rape" stuff would be with the monks instead of the shaoline monks. Yet who knows. 

I just dunno a lot of my cravings just only come when I meditate deeply otherwise it's just "normal npc life" so I dunno How to go about this. My deepest cravings would be to convert others to higher cravings and still enjoy the lower ones. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Woke up, I dunno how to go about transcending desires, as a lot of higher & lower desires are evoked in the good fashion instead of the negative desire etc. Mostly currently it's some sort of sleep. So I dunno, the career cravings are gone there are different issues that are an issue with my purpose etc. Yet they are not even there. 

Some desires for hot liberal girls also at times. Generally I dunno I will go out clubbing on Friday, and working on leadership is something new due to the issue of it beign an entire caretaker paradigm at work with sort of brats I don't like..... I dunno it's very odd and just shows again the issue of stage blue expert stuff. I really don't know what to do about this. 

Drinking some morning coffee. I hope I can use the ressources and the benefit of me beign diversty at the company better, yet they expect at times a bit to much working with Green seemed also better for very deep skill building as they take away some deep pains in compassion, so there is deeper & faster growth. Working with orange/blue is dipshit so far. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I dunno career wise there are shadows that I don't really know due to the heavy orange & blue stuff that just happens in earlier modern enviroments. Beign online in rooms is also not as cool, as this evokes different shadows studying with camera on etc. It works quiet well etc. Yet it's sort of the issue of professionalism and stage blue and just perceiving everything as merit. I don't even enjoy it anymore etc. and the deep meaninglessness in stage orange & blue work structures is huge. Or just people let's say on it's one girl who is very orange, even though she has green elements she has also an eastern accent & is not highly open. It's a huge issue with people who lack experience in diversity. I never thought it could be so serious they don't know how to appeal to emotions. 

& the point of beauty with her it's to much purple orange, only nature fixes this again at Green. etc. It's odd anyhow.... most likely still very good considering other stuff. Hm.... I dunno I might trip today. I could work on projects again, as people are then more supportive of me etc & I get proper more humane sort of political consciouness cravings etc. Where there rants are even more beautiful  I dunno how to express this, yet I might simply do this. Via the company and express interest and do this etc. 

That is most likely it, I will trip on Saturday or so and express interest and work on this stuff more slowly, so I might have 2 things finished till next year, hopefully they don't have as many hours as the stuff I bought, and it's a better grounding etc. So I can still see etc. Right now it's just evident to me, I would've preferred the business route and creating something of my own, yet I don't have a lot of these cravings maybe mostly in the sexual area where I'd love to fuck every girl in 10k different positions and 100k different places to enjoy the highes of  beauty and intimacy and desire. So I dunno just doing this and keeping in contact with the new friend and beign more chill etc. Especially more physical self-care etc. Is quiet important biggest issue I have is with the orderliness and not cleanliness of Germans etc. I dunno right now it's more like finding a high consciouness girl is nearly impossible imo, without very high status as you provide to much security and the beauty culture currently with social media is intense, in contrast you have the more family driven social dynamic which is healthy. So I dunno, I've never been that fortunate if I meet a girl where I can have a conscious family with 2 people, I don't want children etc. Yet with animals etc. I'd be happy without end. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Definitely missing good projects so to speak etc. I just currently notice how much joy I get from food sort of. Generally creating slots for meaningful projects of any sort might do better, I did not look at life like this as this creates more meaning etc. & Sharing the projects progress, yet not the goal itself? 
 

• Streaming
• University
• Work & Coding
• Exercise(?) -> More chill actually no real project I just workout

So yeah I dunno looking for some insights definitely interested to take on a project I might ask the russian guy as he has similar cravings in terms of merit to do these things, I was looking for a friend like this also, as I am not originally a creator. It's very odd to deal with the stage orange exellence drive instead of achievement and not be in a "player position" and many have this craving etc. I could also eat hotpot again today. Very tasty stuff.... yeah just being more around the russian guy might be a good karmic influence as I quitted most stuff that he does, and I know what it's like at the sametime. He might show me how to DJ or smth. So I dunno let's see I've been missing a creative friend, now I have one. Let's see eventually I get around the deeper bouts of creation etc. With spirit etc. I hope everything will workout in that way etc. I could ask him to take the same "Fortbildung" from the workplace and we could climb together in that sense. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I also thought about the advice one guy gave me here that I talked to about dating, it was the worst possible advice. As I talked and it was all about physical escalation and speaking to someone who seems naturally very bad at this, is a huge issue. I am way more attuned to this then he is. I just realized how bad that interaction was. Again, simply due to this craving of cleanliness and austerity manliness, it's an issue I do better with people who have a stronger abundance vibe etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's odd sort of but yeah it is what it is. Fuck this stupid girl also at work, it's annoying dealing with 9w1's at times. Perfect sharlatans and wolfs in sheep clothing never responsible for anything etc. Just do their work and shut up and get power, I dunno. It is what it is. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am listening to this, to get more insight into stuff, especially about higher desires, it's weird when it comes to gaming etc. I just don't know how to express skill in a different endeavour, as I am satisfied so fast etc. I think work for now is the best thing as a frame. Especially, strategist & construct-aware I was very passionate about these topics and integrated a lot of orange etc. I dunno I feel the power of orange at times pulls me down and corrupts me etc. 

I have very odd cravings, I don't know how to deal with this dealing with a real developmental psychologist would be helpful etc. I could exchange truth for personal growth also etc. Let's see I don't engage with higher desires as much. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I especially have a strong desire to work from an egoless state. That is very very intense that it's egoic. In that sense facint real death. 

Sort of the pure desire to create and do skill from an egoless state. Is the purest desire to reach for the next higher level, yet at times at a pure/mastery/skill level I learn plenty of lessons. etc. Where orange/blue feels more juicy etc. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore